#BlogLife509 - Dics out to get me....

Oh wow. I am beyond thrilled. I checked my emails and I've been hoping that I was going to get rejected for an unsuitable extortionate scheme that Dic set me up with.

I think they wanted a £1k upfront or maybe half that so I sabotaged some of it, to make myself look a lil bad but not so that it was evident or too obvious.

And I got the news today that I had been told I was unsuccessful. What a relief. 

I did not want to do something that would have been a lasting detriment to my physical and mental wellbeing. 

And I felt trapped and he forced me into it, not for my benefit but for his own.

He confessed that he's been working there for 2 years and this is the first time he's been excited to involve me in something.

I tried not to scoff as I said I have seen loads of opportunities around.

He is just the most unqualified person to lean on or get any insight from.

I can explain it to anyone else that I need people to be aware that I need certain changes to be made when I undertake something.

I don't want to do something halfway and leave because it's too physically demanding and everyone else except Dic, understands that!!!

I spoke to one of the randoms that I had a phone chat with and I might as well be talking in a foreign language.

Whenever I say, I just want a casual chitchat. I'm not looking to meet up or get a romance started..

They agree to the terms and then act strangely afterwards as though I led them on.... Dodos!!

Why couldn't he have just said..... That's for being clear with me, I thought it might progress further but I can see you're not interested, lets be acquaintances or let's not talk anymore.

I accept either but just to behave clingy and weird is just ughhh.

He was asking if I missed him (ick), and that we get on too well for me to block him....... Pffft!!

Then he said I love you........ Cringe!!!! Followed by just joking. That's one of the worst things you can say to me.

I take the L word declarations very seriously, hence why I have never said it to a guy and it's not something to say to just anyone.

I think people over use the term frankly. It loses that specialness when said daily.

It's almost like saying..... Byeee. That's just my opinion, I would save it for special occasions.

Anyway he was behaving so oddly that I eventually blocked him. In some ways he was fine but in other instances..

He was just a complete downer. I felt like he would look to me for support or to cheer him up or fix him or some crap like that.

My policy is help your damn self first, nobody else can do that for you.

I did, I worked on myself, I am still trying to improve myself and for those that don't do it but complain and why wonder their lives suck.....

I have very lil sympathy for them. Sorry but part of it is your own fault.

Look for the lil joys in life, focus on a routine, surround yourself with decent people.

Try to understand your own needs and have any sort of emotional outlet where you can be yourself.

If you need help, then see a Doctor, maybe some need medications to kick start self-improvement.

Find what works for you, don't focus on anybody else. But he didn't want to do any of that, he just wanted to wallow in self pity.

I tried to give him various pieces of advice and he just said Oh sounds good, that's interesting but didn't even attempt anything.

I'm not saying I have all the answers. I'm not saying do as I tell you too.

I know that I have been there, in those dark lonely places but I have also pulled myself out of it.

I know what worked for me and if you're stuck and not doing anything, you're going to stagnate and be awful to be around.

I am in a place where I can be honest. I can say I'm having a lousy day or this may be the most depressing blog I've ever written.....

I could be angry or crying through the whole experience but I also realise as soon as I him Publish....

Half or maybe more than that melts away and there is an immediate release of the power it had over me.

Nine times out of ten, I really do feel better and more able to tackle it.

#BlogLife508 - Unburdened weekend

I'm writing this on a Friday but I won't be posting until next week, otherwise it will go around and around in my head.

It just feels like I am totally free of obligation this weekend. I woke up to silence, naturally..

Do you know how amazing that was? No drilling, no banging, no screaming neighbours!!

I slept until about 10/11am which was bliss. It really was a rough week with the hand/s pain.

It's still not 100% cured but I have a lot more flexibility. Randomly I'll do something and it will twinge but at least most actions are a breeze now.

I took my left hand for granted. I forgot that maybe I used it more than my right hand.

The bills are paid, paperwork is done, no appointments to fulfill. All calls are made. Emails are completed.

I've just done two grocery orders, one for Ocado and the other for Iceland, need a lot of bits and pieces and have to split it into two places which is annoying but I saved about £14ish pounds in total which makes it worthwhile.

I'm just having another wardrobe clearout and it's great that most of these trousers are just too big to wear.

Now I have more space (to shop more if need be). Woop. I got my mini fans out..

And thought they both using fast chargers but one is a regular and I had to dig it out because everything is now on usb-c.

What I'll do as the weather is truly hotter now (boo) because the pain is going to keep building up and I can't nap today.

Is put the blankie over me but keep the fan on and that makes it bearable, instead of boiling alive.

I find I am going hot/cold simultaneously though. I switch off the fan and feel warm and put it on and feel cold.

At least in winter I'm perpetually freezing and know where my body temperature is.

I don't know where I put the new skirt. Honesty new clothes disappear on me. I wonder if it's the same thief as the sock taker?? Hmm.

Yesterday I exited the kitchen about 5 times before I remembered what I needed in there.

I came out each time with something different, drinks, ice poles etc before it dawned on me, I had kept going in there to grab a brand new tissue box...... Sighs :D

My eyes are very irritable so tonight I will do the protein tablet treatment for my lenses.

It's been a relatively uneventful day aside from the noise resuming, bang, drill, thud, clank, arghhhh!!

Everytime I think it's stopped, it starts up again. I'm pleased that I got a double discount on my chicken wraps though.

Just Eat sent me a whole bunch of discount codes for the bank holiday weekend I guess that just passed.

My acquaintance was making me laugh today because she was saying Dic is crazy and if he wants me to pay additional expenses then he can cover the costs :D

But it's not relevant anymore as I extricated myself out of that situation.

I was asked today if I would unblock the lil name caller? I don't think so.. Some things are dealbreakers in friendships/acquaintanceships etc..

Oh I wore the pink X top today, lil bit chilly but the sun came out a lot.

It's not as tight as I thought. I wore a long top underneath and I got away with it.

#BlogLife507 - Dic told me to lie..

It's been a very long day but a manageable one. I feel so tired and I've just ordered some chicken, rice and a sandwich for later or tomorrow.

I think my appetite has left me again. I'm gutted about the NYX lippy, the colour was fabulous but it split in two and that's why it was leaking everywhere.

I have to bin it :( such a waste of money. As I am wearing the new blue top, I decided to get creative.

I did a black base on the eyelids and then added green and purple lol. I don't know why. either?! :D

I was having some fun but now I can't wait to remove my makeup and change into house clothes.

I don't think I can nap it's too late in the day. I made Dic switch the appointments to the morning in 2 weeks so that's much better and he won't be there woop :)

Although I did get a seat on the bus, coming and going which is unusual. The strange thing was the pain was harsher sitting, than walking.

Dic surprised me with this group exercise meeting thing and I was sweating dreading it.

The pain was creeping up but I tried to rehearse in my head, basic things to talk about.

Except that Dic said to cover up some details but I'm pretty adamant that I won't lie.

I will not make out everything is fine when there are serious concerns and I went with my instincts and told the truth and they were surprised but I think they admired my honest attitude.

I also met someone in the group that was really friendly and sweet and he helped to quench the anxiety too, he was nervous and that put me at ease.

Lately I guess I haven't really initiated conversations but I did today and I'm glad.

I really never realise how thirsty and hungry I am until I get munching.

Today was like old times, where I could sway my hips and walk like a normal person without stopping, my face contorting in pain and having to lean against a wall.

I haven't experienced that in a long while...... I'm feeling a touch more slender in the new gear as well, which is elevating my mood too :)

I changed in seconds after closing the door and I set out the food.

Sorry for the late post but I was napping in the morning/afternoon and multi tasking all day.

I hate to admit it but maybe being pushed out of my comfort zone was a good thing.

The nerves settled and even though it wasn't the right fit. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

I did participate without being prompted but I did race out of there as soon as it was over. Ha.

I wanted home and peace.. Oh I finally figured out what all the damn drilling is for.

The neighbours are having their windows replaced. Honestly I wouldn't think it was that big a deal to finish.

But it has been days from 8am or earlier until hmm, now it's 4pmish and I hope they have finally disappeared.

#BlogLife506 - Hands off

I think I forget to mention the review on the dried fruit. I've never seen dried plums before, normally it's dried apricots which are lovely and something I cannot recall.

It's a bit laughable because they kept several stupid seeds in and there's not much fruit around it which is so unappealing.

It's almost on the bitter side which is the opposite of how I thought it would be.

I don't know if I would get it again. I half like it and half....Not quite sure. It's definitely different, fruityish, dryish, plumish ha.

I'm on my third day of mainly left hand problems. Today was the worst yet.

I don't know if it's strained or nerve damage but this isn't a lil ouchy. I'm now cursing because every lil movement kills.

None of my damn home remedies helped. Not ice packs, heat, binaural beats pain relief, rest.

Typing is the most painful thing, hence the lack of posting on Tuesday.

I didn't even want to prepare food until the afternoon hunger pangs got me.

I'm dreading tomorrow. I have to meet Dic and I don't know how I am going to wash my hair and get ready with my hand in this delicate state.

Oh and the randoms are acting peculiar. R was saying he's away and that I should come to the airport and meet him.

I figured this was a joke as he knows about my health issues, vaguely but has an idea.

He didn't mention times and then the next day mentioned he was in my area roughly and that I should meet him.

That really bugged me. Ask me out properly not because you happened to be there.

I think I actually would have considered it, surprisingly enough but I said let's take our time and stop sending me pics, which I keep rejecting and he keeps sending...

But after that he went radio silence. He could be busy but I've checked his status and he's been online just hasn't said hi so that is that.

P still makes me laugh but is unreliable. He is cosy though. No current plans to meet which is nice.

I was gonna take some selfies to possibly share in the future, with the new hair and makeup and clothes.

But I'm not in a happy place so will postpone that for later. There's actually a new one called T.

I was supposed to call him Monday night but P and I were chatting and I wasn't ready to end that conversation so I said I would call from a private number whenever was convenient and he said after 1pm.

Yesterday I was kinda out of it, when the pain is that bad. I find my energy zapped and the only thing that helps me survive it, is to sleep the day away.

I'm surprised I slept so well last night but I do feel happy and refreshed now the pain has mostly gone.

Anyway I was drifting in and out of sleep and I saw that it was 1pmish so I called him and.......

What happened? Grins, absolutely nothing, he didn't answer. I could have redialled later but I didn't really feel like he wanted to answer or was busy.

I just left it and resumed napping. Strangely enough he came on chat that night and apologised and asked for another call, which I didn't mind doing.

We ended up talking for just over 2 hours I think altogether and it was very chilled and entertaining.

The only thing I didn't like was when he called me pessimistic sounding.

What do you expect from someone chronically ill? For me to be all happy and looking on the bright side??

There are many times I can't do a damn thing like yesterday. I could barely open doors, use my hands or feed myself.

You expect me to be bubbly after that?? I have to count on myself, support myself and stay true to my emotions.

And it might not be the most positive initial conversation but I would rather be myself, than pretend everything is ok and go back to hiding how I really feel.

I think back to the Doctors prescribing antidepressants without even informing me and I thought I was going nuts.

I felt so numb and zombie like. All because I was crying throughout their appointments and they wanted to shut me up.

It wasn't about me processing my feelings, my trauma, it was about them getting peace.

Even though they always prodded me for the excruciating details and it was still very raw at that time, yet they had to know everything...

Of course I'm going to be bloody upset. I hate Doctors, self serving idiots!!

The pain is mostly dissipated but now because I've been using my right hand for the majority of activities, it's started twinging but I'll try and take it easy until they both heal.

I really missed writing though. I hope you are doing a lot better than me and that your day is full of smiles :)

#BlogLife505 - Natural enhanced beauty

Today I lost the nausea race. As soon as I properly wake up I always hustle to brush my teeth and gargle before I start gagging and want to throw up.

I don't understand why I have this constant morning sickness but now I have really intense cramps as well which make eating not enjoyable.

But I'm grateful that I still don't have a period again. I decided to try a few new items from Iceland.

8-10am really is there organised delivery time. I had no issues but when it's after that, it's problems and delays and nonsense.

There is a £3.50 (ouch) limited edition Greggs vegan mexican chicken bakes/pies x2, which sound delicious.

I don't think I've tried their vegan chicken products, if they have any but I like the occasional substitution.

I just hope it isn't excessively spicy that puts me off food, when the heat is building and then becomes unbearable, unless you have something to combat it with, like salad or a dip.

I did quite enjoy that with the mixed veggies and the cheesy topping. It wasn't bursting with flavour but neither was it bland.

As there aren't many meat free ranges that I enjoy. I would get that again. I just think the price is excessive.

Oops I also spotted £5.25 Slimming World soy, garlic and ginger chicken skewers.

Umm I didn't notice that there is only 4 inside, I thought there were way more.

This was nothing like the takeaway. It only had a mild taste of ginger, it needed way more.

I would not get it again. It was fulling but it needed more seasoning added to it.

That's ridiculous but I love ginger chicken. It reminds me of when me and Mama usually get Chinese food, we always get the wings because they are so flavourful.

It's always onion, ginger, veggies and I can't remember what else.

She hates sushi though. I don't think she would even try it because some can be raw.

I felt the same way but it looks so interesting and most things with avocado have me curious to try it out.

I think the salmon ones I get are grilled maybe and the rest I'm not sure but possibly lightly cooked too.

It's extremely well seasoned though and doesn't taste raw. Maybe one day I'll get her to try it out.

Ooh I finally did try the £2.94 Boots CYO lippy in Out Loud, dark purple.

Thank heavens it was easy to open because the NYX one was a nightmare and my hands were vibrating from the pain.

Anyway this is probably my favourite or second favourite. I would say this is the ideal shade.

It's dark but you can see the purple, whereas the NYX one just looks black almost.

It glides on smoothly and I would probably still wear a clear glossy lippy over it but it looks sexy.

That would be irresistible on a date. Very smoochy inspired. I'm happy that I liked at least two of them.

Lippy is just my favourite thing to experiment with but it's rare to find a colour I would wear.

The NYX lippy leaks a lot, even though the lip is tightly screwed on. I don't understand that.

I don't know if there's a crack somewhere or it is really poor quality but that's disappointing me.

#BlogLife504 - Can I forgive you?

If you're caucasian I don't expect you to understand what it's like to be nervous in certain places or streets.

To look around and breathe a sign of a relief that there are other faces just like mine scattered around.

I'm still livid that in all but one of the public racist verbal and physical attacks that onlookers never said a damn word.

In the one particular instance on the main high street. English Shop staff heard our screams for help, came all the way out of their stores and witnessed us being sworn at, abused with hate speech and hit and stared like it was a sports show!!

Didn't bother to call the police or break it up or intercept. They stared like it was normal for two brown skinned kids to be targeted and attacked by two white kids.

Like we deserved it because we weren't white and lived in the UK. The same as the train, nobody made it stop.

I was only assisted one time by a kind passerby and he was white skinned, which surprised the hell out of me.

I guess my point is, that this former acquaintance using these slurs like it's cool is perpetuating that being white is above every other race because he doesn't see why it is wrong.

Those racial names are loaded with history and venom behind them. They are not harmless or meaningless.

They are ignorant and poisonous and cowardly and hurtful!

Everytime I think about talking to him or forgiving him. I remember the humiliation of being fought and called names and not being able to get away or protect ourselves.

When it was over, I looked at one of the staff and he was tutting like..... Typical kids, rough-housing...

When we we sobbing and fearing for our lives. He reminds me of that guy now.

The answer is No! I'm not sweeping this under the carpet to make him feel better.

There were numerous accounts that happened but I feel like I have blocked most of them out.

I wish I had thought to walk with a perfume vial to mace them with but live and learn, there is always one in my bag now!!

#BlogLife503 - Arrest me.. I'm a criminal...

I probably should have made a big deal about passing yet another milestone.

500th edition of BlogLife recently published but I never know what to do for them anyway.

Plus I'm only an ickle wickle blogger and at the moment my health is deteriorating.

How is all day, daily pmt the norm suddenly?? But I'm happy to be expressing myself and sharing lil bits and pieces with you all.

The nausea is gone, I had a nap after the neighbours finally shut the hell up from the drilling.

But I still feel my stomach is upset or crampy or something. I want a moment's piece to reflect or relax but there are less and less of those.

I feel really really guilty but honestly it was an accident. (I know all masterminds say that but I'm being sincere).

Oh Jesus Christ, the neighbours are at it again. FFS! All fricking day. Bang, thud, drill.

This has been going on since......7/8am and now it's 3pm! I've turned the earbuds volume up and will probably make myself go deaf.

Anyway as usual when I got in I was dead on my feet. I'm so glad I didn't wear a jacket and I need to pack my sunglasses to avoid hurting my eyes next time.

I ordered some sandwiches and some drinks and when it arrived, I was gutted that there were missing items.

The restaurant didn't answer so I contacted Just Eat and got a refund, that was painless.

Sometimes I like getting drinks because everything is together and I don't need to be walking up and down. I can just take it easy.

No drinks were present so I had some pre-made and grabbed a bottle to enjoy with my meal.

Normally I just have some side dishes or fries and that's it. My stomach is full for a few hours.

When I opened the bag that I thought was the sandwich. It was my lucozade.

Plus a complimentary orange juice and a mini sprite. Ugh the company always looks after me and I reported a refund.

Now you know the truth, you can make a citizens arrest and cart me off to foodie jail :(

I order from them semi regularly so they will get their payment, one way or another but I feel bad.

On second reflection, the food quality wasn't that great. Most of it was overcooked/burnt and dry.

Plus loaded with spices. Hmm my conscience is clear. Normally it is so much more appetising.

#BlogLife502 - I feel respected today

I didn't get much sleep last night but I did have a glorious nap in between deliveries so that was nice.

Pretty much everything has arrived now, except for one more lippy. (That came yesterday actually).

When I say lippy, I mean the glosses, as I have never found a lipstick shade that I actually liked and that suited my skin colour.

I still find it difficult to find darker shades for non caucasian skin tones.

It always looks way better on the paler models and then typically when I receive it, I find it hideous.

Some women can pull it off, wearing brighter shades and all power to them as it looks classy but for me personally....

It doesn't look good, except for certain pinks and beiges but with the reddy, plummy, purply colours.....

Eeek there is a fine line between suitable and disgusting. I've known the regular Postie for quite a while.

Maybe I've explained that as much as I try to hustle to get to the door as some used to leave really quickly.

I always ended up banging my knee/foot/leg and hobbling painfully to the door.

Because he surprised me today and apologised for being over exuberant with the doorbell.

And that's actually the first time it seems like he's remembered what I've told him.

That I am a sick person so it does take a while to get up and get to the door but I do profusely thank him as always and wish him well.

I think it was just strange but really nice to hear that someone was taking my health condition seriously.

And it's doubly worse because it's not noticeable, I don't have crutches or a wheelchair anymore but the damage is still there and continues worsening.

Even when I'm trying to explain my ailments, I get a lot of blank stares and disbelief which is quite hurtful.

I feel like I'm being called a liar, without them actually saying it. It's quite sad to constantly experience that.

To feel as though I have to prove it to be believed by 99% of people. It stresses me out.

If someone was saying the same thing to me, I wouldn't immediately question it, unless they were fake, I would sympathise.

When I was a lil girl, I had a lil bob and a fringe and I think it looked fine but from pre-teen onwards, the idea of having short hair was out of the question.

I had this idea that it was going to look masculine lol. I think that's why I avoided it for so long.

Women around me had cropped stylish do's but anytime I tried it, with the so-called professional hairdressers, they butchered it so badly.

I don't know why it took so long to start doing my own hair, possibly because I loved the shampooing scalp massages too much.

Or maybe I thought this time will be different, it will look wonderful.

The £2.15 NYX lippy in the Dark Magic shade is actually dark. I'm so thrilled. I adore it.

It was a pain in the butt to open, felt like it was superglued together because it took me an hour to use it.

It's not that moisturising and I probably needs about 2 or 3 coats because not a lot seems to come out and it's not thick but not watery either.

I would definitely repurchase it as it is the darkest colour to date. I wore it today and it looks fabulous.

Almost black but not quite. It just needed a shiny thick clear gloss on top and it's perfect.

Plus it was quite cheap, normally they are double that price. The shampoo and face mask might wait to use those.

I will just say that the Black and Red Argan £4.48 face mask smells like vimto/ribena and that cracked me up :D

Never in my life have I tried a mask that smells of sweet berries but that was the initial assessment, might be different when it's applied.

Hmm it's going to be difficult to wait until other products are finished before I try them....

Oh the pink and blue top for £12.50 each, arrived as well. Hmm they fit way looser than the X tops, which is great.

I don't know if I like the colours, the quality for all of them is high and I will always wear something long sleeved underneath now.

I don't really show off any bare skin, except neck, hands and that is about it.

I don't want masses of attention. I like to feel safe when I'm outdoors and I might say hello back if I'm greeted but I rarely hang around past that.

I still feel that nervousness of being insulted or grabbed but I also want to feel a lil different to the normal styles I see and cute in my choice of garments.

I just applied the thick mud mask to my face, it's a lil tougher than I thought it would be.

It still smells of berries. I'm supposed to leave it to dry for 15minutes so I'll see after that.

My skin feels oily and bumpy at the moment. Will this make a difference?

It's not preventing pimples, I still feel them budding on my face. It does take away the oiliness and leaves it as though I have applied a toner.

In the morning my face still felt fresh and smooth. The fragrance isn't bad, I just find it unusual.

I think my issue is that it's already started off tough, over time it's going to get really hard and I might end up binning it, which is a waste of money.

I haven't used the new lippy yet. I put images up on twitter but I feel really sick today so I don't want to use it yet.

I will say though, that it actually smells of plums. Normally I don't find they are scented at all but it's cute and different.

It's the Boots brand CYO in Out Loud, dark purple for £2.94. I feel lousy but I look fantastic in the new get up.

I'm pleased I bought them all and I got a bunch of snacks from my favourite Market too.

Dried plums, unsalted cashews, puffy crisps, unsalted hazelnuts and those Gullon chocolate oat biccys.

I have zero appetite!! If I can manage it this will be the 2nd week without a period.

Woohooooo!!! Nausea? Yes. Cramps? Yes. Bloating? Yes. Period? No!!

#BlogLife501 - Is racism acceptable if you don't mean it?

I'm pretty horrified that I just discovered one of my acquaintances use racial slurs and sees it as normal.

He explained that the N word with an *a* at the end is ok by his black friends and he's caucasian.

But he says he would not use the word with *er* at the end because that's different.

I immediately blocked him because as I've said a million times. I grew up with racism, jokes. name calling, being attacked because of the colour of my chocolate skin.

The slurs weren't even accurate but I was still scared to walk the streets at times as a caramel coloured person.

Friends and acquaintances at school would tell these racial based funnies, expecting everyone to laugh but I stood my ground and said it's not right and they eventually stopped, as more people objected.

Again his other excuse was that it's common practice for America...... And that makes it okay???

Certainly not in the UK. You would be lucky to survive a beating, saying that casually.

Just because everyone does it, that's make you do it? As though you're a sheep??

I can't respect him at all, after those weak confessions. Plus I'm wondering if his slight homophobia is because he is in the closet also.

He will go on and on and on about women but mention a guy and he's all nervous.

I'm quite vex and he's going to remain on block until I don't know...

Even after I explained that it is racist to use such terms he didn't back down from seeing it as an everyday word.

That really troubles me because I don't want him to make a fake apology or say that he will pretend to stop saying it.

I question why he does it all. I know some ethnicities claim their words back and use with it each other.

That's up to them. I'm not even sure I have a derogatory term for my race but if I found one, I wouldn't be using it.

To me it's like swearing at myself or putting myself down or slapping myself hard in the face. I had a few acquaintances that said, you can call me that, I don't mind.

I was not the same background as them and I said No I can't. I don't like the term and I've been called that many times, however inaccurate and it's still offensive to me.

I would only use the proper name and he called me prim lol but I want to respect others and not hurt them.

It's the way I was raised to be kind to others. I'm not defending him.

I will only say that he, like me, has trouble interacting with people.

I do feel bad that now he has few or no-one close to confide in anymore but I was also kinda encouraging him to be a lil self sufficient too.

I learned that I cannot rely on other people for my confidence levels.

I've said this before many times that if someone approaches me and fixates on a part that I hate and says, Oh you have stunning eyes...

And I can't stand that feature of myself, it means nothing at all but if I work on myself and re-train my brain then I can tell myself it's not my favourite part but I don't dislike it as much.

I encouraged him to listen to positive affirmations, use exercise to stop anxiety, to consider jotting feelings down...

He has done none of the work. He has relied on me to make him feel better.

Be your own rock!! I can't fix you and you shouldn't be looking to me for validation.

If you're an outgoing personality, people might naturally want to be friends with you so it's a lil easier, than being an introvert.

I'm not saying he shouldn't make friends but even doing so, opening up is still really tough.

There is a block preventing people like us from sharing too many personal details of our lives.

Through self discovery and journalling and blogging, I learn't to do that for my survival, he's male, it's doubly difficult.

I did tend to offer him support when he was confused or troubled and that was fine, although it seemed more one sided.

However I guess silly chats, helped me to relax, so in that way, it's was strangely supportive in that sense because I decompressed and felt less annoyed and upset.

There is a similar sort of disconnection going. He has certain strong beliefs and when someone is the opposite of that.

Similar to me he distances himself from them. He's anti-drugs also.

And like me, I wouldn't talk or hang out with someone that was a drug user.

I'm not sure what his reasons are and I didn't ask as it is not my business but mine are, that I grew up in that environment and I was always scared for my safety and well-being.

I hope my silence will make him educate himself and maybe think twice before using a slur.

A mutual friend suggested I talked to him about it but I already did to no avail and if he doesn't understand why it's so wrong, I'm not sure I could get through to him.

Maybe when he grows up he will realise that some things are deal-breakers and hate speech should never be used.

It's a step backwards. I'm not better than you, you are not better than me, we are all equal.

#BlogLife500 - Can I pretend I'm normal for a day?

I guess I'm worried at the moment. L might be coming down to the UK and she's asked to see me, which is sweet and she's a great person and funny and caring.

One of the randoms also asked for the same thing C. Maybe, probably before I got sick, I would be excited and looking forward to it.

Part of me still is but I have also have serious concerns about my health.

I get really exhausted easily, the pain sets in fairly quickly. I get irritable.

Panic attacks and PTSD can crop up anytime at all. I guess I don't mind explaining this to a friend, although it's awkward.

But all these details to a guy, to a stranger, is something I generally avoid unless, plans have definitively been made and then I would lay it out and say, the truth is......

I have barriers in my life. I can't travel that far anymore, only locally, someone is always going to have to meet me at my local area.

Which isn't fair really, to have to say, these are the terms, these are my requirements because if I attempt to go farther, I'm going end up sore, recovering for a few days and probably bursting into tears from the pain and discomfort.

I don't know if I can be a fun tour guide. Am I really worth coming down all this way to visit?

On the phone sure I can be lighthearted and amusing and silly, in person...

My body is screaming to go back home, rest, nap, take it easy, be off my feet, don't overstrain my bones.

I don't feel it's fair to burden someone with my limitations. These are my problems, I have to live with it and I'm used to it.

But socialising is extremely taxing and honestly, I'm happier not doing it.

I don't really know how to solve this, except to try and push through it as much as I can but not reach my breaking point.

I'm so happy it's been raining and cooler today. I really needed to wrap up in the heated blankie and it's helped the healing faster.

I'm pleased with the X tops. They are so soft and feel great quality. They fit a tad snug but look really good.

The Dark Paradise lippy, I hate. It came out really light and I wanted the opposite.

I'm hoping the others are a whole lot better. Hmm, the Ocufresh eye drops are supposed to be rewetting..

They don't really sting, are very thin and tiny but actually feel pretty good.

I feel as though I just got an eye bath or put on fresh lenses because my vision has sharpened immediately.

#BlogLife499 - Where's Postie with my lippys?

It's just gone 1pmish and I was hoping Postie was here by now. He can come anywhere between about 11am until roughly 5pm so I can never calculate when to listen out for him.

As my appointment isn't until 3pm, I have plenty of time to try on the new outfits and the lipglosses but if he's running late they may be waiting for me when I get in around 4pm.

I've spoken to a few randoms lately and the growing trend seems to be insulting women and knocking there self esteem as part of.....?

Flirting? Getting to know them? Provoking them? Trying to annoy them and get a reaction?

For example some guy said... "Women and technology don't mix, they're useless!"

The fact that it came out of nowhere and wasn't a sparring session, confused me and then I just rolled my eyes or shrugged, blocked him and moved on.

I don't bother to engage anymore as that seems to be what they are fishing for.

I just think poor idiots, you'll have noone to talk to soon. There was someone interesting called P but he keeps going awol.

One minute chatty and the next just disappears. However sometimes chat does play up and no messages are delivered or printed so it's possible he's telling the truth about not receiving a reply.

I don't usually have these issues frequently though but I did have it with someone else.

It can be frustrating though, when both parties are engaged, especially when he initiated it and said come find me tomorrow night, which was last night.

I told him next time I'll make him screenshot it lol. Aside from that, he seems alright.

He's not bombarding me with personal questions. He's witty and respectful.

I wish my stomach would settle down, it's been lurching since 10amish when I woke up.

Normally I would have eaten or drunk something by now but I have no appetite and I'm not confident that it would stay down.

I'm going to pop a mint when I leave in about half an hour and hopefully that will help.

#BlogLife498 - Let your inner Goddess out

I had some items that I was thinking of getting. Just some casual tops but I never know if they will fit me.

My plus size fluctuates and I'm sick of buying white tops because they don't seem to wash properly.

The UK always seems to be full of I love New York tops, I wonder if America has any I love UK merchandise? Ha.

It was a pretty blue top from Asos but I didn't want to pay £18 for it so I continued searching around.

There's going to be some more beauty reviews as I spotted another Vatika Naturals shampoo (£5.69 ouch) to sample.

It's an Argan based product and I've never seen it before so should be fun, if not I will revert back to the cactus one which I loved.

I also am running low on my mud mask and I wanted a chocolate one but I didn't see any, sadly.

But I did see Black and Red argan again, ha, clay mask 400ml for about £4.48 which actually isn't bad.

It's twice the size I usually get and again it will last a while as I don't tend to apply all that much.

I've used Argan on my hair before and had a good result. I don't think I've used it on my face though.

Certain things are not universal, you have to experiment and use what suits you better individually, concerning your face, body and hair.

Aloe vera, witch hazel and tea tree oil does absolutely nothing beneficial for me. I avoid those ingredients.

I also got Ocufresh eye drops for £3.50 as my eyes are excessively dry at the moment, not irritable just in need of moisture.

Then I saw 2 t-shirts with a single letter on them. I just chose X and they were a fiver each which was very cheap.

Lastly 2 more tops caught my eye, one was a blue floral for £12.50 and the other was this pink and grey floral for £12.50 also.

Even though I was disappointed with the purple lippy I received. I still like the idea of it.

I searched for dark purple and found a few which were reasonably priced.

Nyx in the Dark Magic shade for £2.15 and Sleek Lip shot in the Dark Paradise shade for £2.04.

There's a Boots version CYO brand but it's a lip plumper and my lips are full but the shade looks ideal.

It's hard to tell on caramel skin, what is going to be dark enough and stand out.

I bid on it but I don't even know if I want it.. £2.94 currently, it ends in a few hours, I guess I'll see if I get outbid..

I didn't really expect to win it but at least I have a few to compare and if it's not dark enough, I'll try and blend it.

I've just paid some bills and cleared some of the balance but why on earth a company can't speak plainly about debts is infuriating.

I only wanted to know what I had to pay to make me even and she went all around the houses confusingly and still didn't give me a number, yeesh!

But I worked it out and actually, it's not too bad. I settled most of it today and will do the rest soon.

I just have to be careful to not over-stretch myself, hence the not clearing it all, in one go.

All the shopping bits are in the post, except the lippy I bid on. They predict this week but I'm not holding my breath.

Only one thing has tracking and that's the usual, no update until you receive ugh, useless.

Dic sent me an appointment for tomorrow late afternoon. At least I had a two week reprieve from him.

The nausea and bloating comes and goes. I think it's been a few days without a period and I'm so relieved.

I had some really bad pains in various parts of my body but thankfully that's stopped.

I hope the weather stays mild...

#BlogLife497 - You pay me, I pay them...

I was just paying some bills and unless I can't get through, I pay on time but a while back, I was waiting for some cash to come through and it didn't.

But when it eventually did, I resumed my schedule, only to suddenly be told today, I was behind in the amount.

Plus the bills have gone up and during that period of when I couldn't arrange funds..

Um I guess they may have been charging interest so I owe about £200ish was the quote which seems a lil excessive.

I have to admit, I was kinda late with this latest settlement so next week I may either get up to date or I guess offer up a big chunk of it.

It shocked me though because this is the first time, they have mentioned it and this is from last year.... Weird!!

It almost feels like some companies make up debts just to be greedy and put you at a disadvantage.

First period of May has knocked me out. I literally woke up in the morning knackered and I actually slept.

I had to take 2 naps today because I had no energy. Yeesh I am struggling today to get anything done.

Plus I've been playing agony auntie and that gets grating after awhile when great advice is ignored zzz.

I don't have the patience for it, not now, not today! My mouth feels better, no more toothache or sensitive gums.

I did get into a new show Citadel with Priyanka Chopra. Umm I think I like it, it does have it's amusing moments and I love that Stanley Tucci has some cracking lines.

His dry wit is great. It's a bit violent, action packed though and you know it's gearing towards infidelity once more ughhhh.

Cheating is becoming the norm on television, tsk tut!! Oh and still no sign of Dic..........

2 peaceful weeks I think it's been. I'm glad, the mood I'm in, I would have probably ripped his head off with my bare hands..

May your weekend been full of lightheartedness and fun. I don't know whether to carry on window shopping or hold off from buying clothes... Hmm

Feels like I'm wearing the same thing over and over.

I'm not going to do Song of the day. I'm just listening to Christmas music, currently, to put me in a good head space.

#BlogLife496 - I'm probably anaemic again

Song of the day - Peter Gabriel - In you eyes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3kFPBtc9BE&list=FLI0DEk_aDykRP0sJnme-JBg&index=116

I've just tore open the lip balm packets 3x £1.59 which is a great deal because I'm sure I pay about a pound each just for one.

And those aren't even scented. I normally get the Chapstick brand original and it's okay when you're using it but my lips are still cracking.

Maybe a popular big brand will be better? I don't recall trying Malibu lippys and I'll try new products providing the price is right.

Supposedly there are 3 flavours, tropical (which smells like cocoa butter and I can't stand that scent).

So I'll give that to Mama. I'm not going to bother trying that because they all look the same.

I'm so happy it's not tinted. The mango one I'm currently trying, it glides on smoothly and makes my lips soft but too early to tell if it's long lasting or moisturising for the whole day.

I get a sweet whiff but I don't see it as mango exactly, just sweet and generically fruity. It's nice though.

The last one is mint and that actually does smell like it is supposed too, not sterile but a sweet chocolatey type of dessert one.

That might end up being my favourite actually. I thought I was going to like the mango the best but it's not accurate.

It lasted a few hours and my lips are still healthy looking. The scent lingers too.

I'll let you know later on what my verdict is. Next I'll try the Nivea Rose micellar face wash.

I already opened the cap and it smells wonderful so that's going to be very refreshing in the mornings.

Ooh I wonder if it lathers on my face brush?? Oh I should charge that up..

I've tried it using my hands. Heavenly flowery fragrance which is strong and luscious.

It's a boring clear colour which is not adventurous, you would think a sharp red shade would be contained inside.

There is no beads woohoo!! It's a medium thick gel and so far no lathering but I have to try it on the brush.

My skin is light and fresh and feels like it's been deep cleaned down to the pores but that's the initial assessment.

Hmm sadly it didn't foam up on the brush but maybe the brush wasn't wet enough or I didn't use enough product. I'll try again..

I've gone off kebabs but for some reason the body is craving it so I bought some beef ones, as the chicken didn't have good reviews or it contained pork...

And then I cooked some parathas, added some philadelphia cheese, plus some cucumber/mint raita and I'm surprised that I'm enjoying it so much, it's delicious.

I guess it needed veggies but I like cold salads. The reason I think I'm probably anaemic is that for this month, I've barely stopped having periods.

It's literally just started again after a 1/2 day break. I do feel extra tired, bloated and sickly.

My mood will range from angry to sad to happy (when they stop).

#BlogLife495 - Shopping thief changed her mind

Song of the day - Boyz II Men - End of the road

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8M6yBc9tb0

Just when you think it's gonna be a peaceful day, drama happens.

The one highlight is that the leave in conditioner tamed my hair a bit and even the front doesn't look so bad.

I think the back is probably the cutest with the slight flicks upwards.

Today (Friday), Iceland groceries were due and they were an hour late but I got notified so at least I wasn't too worried.

It's the usual guy and it sorta seems like my shopping. I couldn't see too good honestly.

Then the second box looked really strange. I no longer order fizzy drinks, although the Fanta looked yum.

But I would never order Coke and I couldn't even remember what Robinsons squash I was expecting.

I just told the driver, none of this is mine and then when he left surprised, the remaining things, were not mine either.

Normally they let you keep it but she wanted me to pack it up to return it, when mine is re-delivered from 2-3pm which is now.

Ugh I'm so peckish. There was a lot of pork stuff anyway which I would have binned.

I would have had the rice and would have removed the prawns from the pasta dishes.

But it's all by the door as I'm not going to rush and take it out of the fridge/freezer when he gets here.

That's there hard luck. There's not even any coupons for my next order.

I expect it will all be trashed anyway. She said she was going to swap it out so why not let me keep it?

Ha serves them right, I got freebies after all, some kitchen towels and a Fairy laundry scent booster, smells lovely.

Anyway it's a nuisance but at least it's not like Tesco, what do you expect us to do about it??

No re-deliveries, just take your damn refund!

Then Hermes/Evri was due at lunchtime and then I got an email to say it had been delivered with a photo, that was not me!!

I emailed BodyCare to let them know and I just felt annoyed and fed up.

Maybe 10 minutes later. My buzzer rings and I'm thinking, Oh Iceland is early..

Nope it was not exactly a neighbour, she was probably a street away and her story was fishy.

If it were me and the Courier said are you such and such? And it wasn't me.

I would say, that isn't my name, are you sure you have the right address, what place are you looking for?

Then when the Courier gets confirmation that you are the right person, he/she then puts the parcel by your feet/open door and snaps a picture.

If the neighbour had said, hold on, you've got the wrong person, he would not have put the package down.

When she asked my name, this neighbour, she said, Oh, it was just dropped off and the address isn't similar at all.

I still thanked her profusely but if there was no camera evidence that I could easily refute..

I'm pretty sure she would have kept it. All I would have to do to prove I wasn't lying was take a picture of my door and say, here don't take my word, look this is proof.

I am excited to sample some fun beauty items that are new to me but not freshly launched.

Malibu lip balms a trio pack for £1.59, mint, tropical and mango. I really hope they are not tinted but I do like the Malibu brand, good quality products.

They should smell delightful and a Rose Nivea micellar face wash.

I don't know if it has beads but I'll see. The lemongrass face wash I'm currently using, still smells great and my face is mostly clear but I have mixed feelings on it.

It's just so thin, I'm not sure I'm getting that deep cleansing action that I'm usually feel.

I think I only like it for the scent. My hair is mostly settled now. I just needed to comb it through and it's all styled, even the ends are tamed.

I just ordered some salmon avocado sushi and sweet and sour chicken for later.

I still feel horrible and my stomach will not settle down. I thought I was going to be sicky but managed to avoid it.

Maybe a nap will help but I'm not tired for it to take yet. I'm happy to have gotten my half price discount though.

I paid just over £14 bucks ha. Oh sorry about not posting yesterday.

I was in two minds about it as it was a Bank Holiday. I fancied being irresponsible and not doing much and it helped my stress levels.