Beauty and mind cleanse (fiction)

I dial your number and wait patiently for you to answer. Hey listen, if you're free.. I have a surprise for you. I know you need to decompress and I have the perfect setting.

Mmmhmm. No hints. Just get your butt over here pronto. It's all arranged. Ok. I will see you soon. No need to thank me, what are friends for?

I click play and my YouTube playlists cycles through my soft tunes. I start humming and sway to the music as I add the final touches.

A little time later, the doorbell rings and I greet you with a warm hug. It feels like forever since I've seen you. I nod agreeing, things are crazy at the moment.

I lead you in and ask if you need anything before we begin. Uh huh. I may just have that. I smile and bring out an assortment of goodies.

The heating is on at full blast and I hand you a chocolate milkshake with soft scoops of chunky mint ice cream, followed by crumpled bits of milk and dark chocolate Ferrero Rochers and the best bit? 

A chocolate wafer to use as a straw? Do I know you or what bestie? Huh? Weren't expecting that right? I laugh as your eyes light up and grab the drink eagerly.

Good right? What is tonight about? Umm, well I get the impression you have something on your mind and you want to be heard.

I don't pry but you know I'm here to listen, When and if you choose to confide? Uh huh. I thought so. I've been following your blog and your recent posts were....

Yea I know. Look I hear you. It's not easy thinking about the future. Plus Christmas and your writing commitments. Just prioritise whichever one you feel the most passionate about in that moment, alright?

Wow that was quick. You practically downed that milkshake. Bahaha. Of course there is more. I think we should get started though or this will turn into a slumber party. 

I know we are a bit too mature for that.. On the other hand.. Well we'll see, how the time passes? I hang up your coat and drape a smok over your front tying it at the back and then I pull your hair out and back. 

I then tie a soft silk bandana around your hair and secure it out the front, tucking it in. I think I'll start with your brows first. I ask you to lay out on the sofa and get a cushion for your head. 

I push the makeshift headband back as far as it will go. I then reach for the wet wipes. Next I dab some micellar cleanser onto it and stroke across your face, until all your makeup is removed. 

You're lucky you know. You're naturally beautiful. You don't need makeup to enhance your looks. However, similar to me, you just love experimenting with it. 

You're back to feeling out of sorts huh? You feel it is unnatural to enjoy your own company and push people away? It's a tricky thing, to be honest. 

Um I know you felt like an outcast everywhere you went. I know that you tried to make friends and be part of a group but it never worked out. 

When you wanted to socialise nobody seemed to want to join you and when they did. You never felt inclined to join them. Suddenly instead of feeling empty and alone and sad that you didn't belong.. 

You did your own thing. Developed your own interests. Got to know what you liked. You didn't have to please or change or compromise. You just got on and adapted. 

I know because we are alike. We had similar experiences and feelings. I do understand you. I get that you are two halves. One side is independent and creative and needs solitude to conjure magic, onto a page.. 

While the other side craves brief interactions, which give your mind a rest and rejuvenate you, when you are feeling empty and uninspired. 

That's why the random acquaintances don't make an impact. They are but mere distractions. What matters to you and makes you feel alive is writing, not people. 

All people are to you is disappointing. They don't ever see you. Your whole essence, which can be cranky, impatient, angry, scared, lost and vulnerable. 

Or sweet, funny, charming, flirty, intelligent and confident. They see you as good or bad. You are all of those things though. Noone has unearthed that yet. I sigh, nod and get the wax strips. 

Ummm lol disclaimer hon. I've never in my life used these, so if I end up making your face bald and hairless by ripping your eyebrows off... 

Promise to give me a head start before you kill me? Deal? Phew. Thanks sweetz. Er I'm just going to read the instructions again. Have a lil patience. 

I'll scar you for life soon, I promise. Just let me read it. Yeesh and I thought I was demanding.. Huh? I didn't say anything. Your highness. 

First I gotta heat them by rubbing them between my fingers. I'll explain and act accordingly. Then I cut the strips. Then the scary bit. 

I press firmly applying it to both your brows. I smooth it down and wait for a few seconds to pass. Cringing for you, while you're perfectly at ease. 

I hold your skin tight and rip those suckers off. Honestly I'm scared to look. I shove the mirror in your hands. Just tell me. Are your eyebrows still attached? 

For the love of hair. Please say yes!! It's not funny. Can you stop laughing. I feel like a butcher. You're fine? They are both still there? Pheww. I can breathe now. I was nervous. 

I wipe away any excess residue and start tweezing the remaining stragglers. Keep your face still and stop smiling. I did not look like death warmed up. 

I was merely the tiniest bit concerned. I did not freak out!! I take more wipes with aloe vera on them and sweep across your brows. 

Actually they look pretty impressive for my first time. I hand you back the mirror and you nod in gratitude. I put a stool in the bathroom and tell you to get as comfy a you can, while leaning forward. 

I remove the bandana and turn the shower on. I move my hands through the length of your hair and make sure the hot water coats it completely. 

I then flip open the dandelion shampoo and squeeze a generous amount into my palm. I wet my hands and let the shampoo get sudsy by blending it. 

Then I work up a foamy lather and start with your scalp and then coat the length of your hair, right until the ends. I reach deep into your roots and start massaging in lil circles. 

My hands start wiping all your hair from around your face. I make sure no shampoo drips into your eyes. I start smoothing all your hair back and scrunching random parts. 

I make sure the shampoo dissolves deeply as I continue rubbing it into your hair. I make loose fists and start touching your scalp in circular motions from each side. 

I apply gentle pressure and start from the front of your face, down to the sides. Then from back of your neck. I drive both hands up and into the middle of your scalp, softly.

I then rinse it away until your hair is squeaky clean. I wring your hair so it isn't soaking wet and spritz a few pumps of leave in conditioner over your hair.

I wrap the pre heated towel around your locks and seal it tightly and the flip it behind you. I lead you back to the sofa so you can sprawl out again.

I refill your drink and hand it to you. I dab some moisturiser onto your face and using my fingertips I blend it in, swirling around each area until it is absorbed.

Then I grab two sliced cucumber pieces and place them daintily over your eyes. You can't say it isn't a real spa experience now.

I then use the creamy L'Oreal fine flowers cleanser and dot it into your forehead, cheeks, nose and chin. I grab my pre moistened face brush and switch it on.

I press deeply moving it across your forehead. Then I drag it down the side of your face, under your eyes, down your nose and all over your cheek.

I then slide it across your chin and repeat the same on the other side. I grab my wet wipes to stroke all over your face and remove it completely.

Your face feels so soft already. I open up the thinnish Rivage mud mask and coat it on both of my fingers. I dab it on your face and then massage it all over your forehead, cheeks, chin and nose.

I'll leave it for about 10 mins. The pack says about half an hour but who has time for that? I peek under your cucumbers to make sure you're still alive as you haven't said anything in ages.

You seem to be fine, so I move to the other room and continue watching Hercai. Time passes and I nudge you awake. I remove the cucumbers and bin them.

I then get a new face sponge, wet it and start slowly removing your face mask. I sweep along your skin and it seems to disintegrate fairly easily.

I take a wet wipe and do a last freshen up over your face and honestly it is glowing. You look radiant. How do you feel? Like royalty huh?

I unwrap your hair towel and gently comb your hair straight with my fingers and then I tousle it to get some natural volume going.

It is practically dry already, so I just gather it all together and pop it into a messy bun. I give you another hug and we sit down to watch Hercai together..

One of the worst nights of my life

I barely last slept night as I was in excruciating pain. My left hand was strained and throbbing painfully. For some reason my skin was burning like a raging fire. It just would not stop. 

The pain was equal to being in hospital. Way back when. Every movement was such torture. I was praying for death. I don't know the causes but it was agony. I couldn't sleep. 

No position was comfortable. I wanted to drift off but it didn't happen for hours. I'm still a little sore and my hand feels like it didn't repair itself as it feels delicate. 

I'll either get my gel pack to use after a hot shower/bath or I'll use my shiatsu massager on heat to see if it helps. I wish I could do two things.

Switch off my phone for a few days and not use my hand. It's just not feasible though. I'm stuck. No rest for my cracking mind and no break physically. 

I cried out so much last night. Pointless. I couldn't bear it. There is no curing me. I hate my life of torment. I don't have the strength to deal with it. 

Somebody just make it end please!!!!!!! 

Slipping away (fiction)

You place your hand over mine but as soon as I sense it. I look down and pull away. 

Don't you see who I am by now? 

You still to this day, do not understand me.

What should I explain? 

That as I grew up and looked at the world with innocent bright eyes. I saw a world of murky shadows and a reason to constantly retreat?

I wanted to belong. I used to be so lovely, open and unguarded. I followed the wrong people, thinking it would lead me to somewhere illuminated and beautiful but it never did.

Look at my face. Look at my body. Do you see any evidence of bruising? No! Now look inside me and see if you can say the same thing?

You were smug enough to think you had me hooked but there are reinforced walls made of ice inside me.

You thought what? That we bonded? That I opened up to you? That you were different? 

I belong to nobody! I talked and you listened but you didn't hear me. You refused to acknowledge it. The fundamental truth.

I will always be free!

Why, you ask?

I close my eyes and smile. I feel at peace. I don't need you or anybody anymore. I used to think that I needed to be surrounded and that I should conform but not now.

I was delicate and fragile and the only thing that approached me was poison. Hurt and attacked and made to feel that I deserved it. 

Did you?

For what?? The crime of being me???!!!!!!

I get up from the bench, slide my headphones on and crank up the volume drowning your voice out. I follow the sun and it cures me.

I'm now unreachable.

Lil disappointed

I was really hoping to watch the latest Ramo episode as someone normally uploads it either really late Friday night when I've gone to sleep or early Saturday because by the time I wake up it is ready. 

However today there is nothing. I looked on the official Youtube channel and they show Episode 20 snippets but with no subtitles I wouldn't be able to understand it anyway.

They usually post the episode a few days later but first without the subtitles. Then maybe Wednesday it is added and I can watch it, so I guess if it is not added to my usual place. 

I can see it on Youtube next week, which seems ages away. :( I may check out some other dramas while I'm waiting.

I finally got to try out the new Asda Charcoal Gel face wash. It has a faintly mild pleasant smell. I couldn't tell you what it is because I can't detect it. 

Black appearance as you would expect and it does seem very mildly grainy which I'm not a fan of but as it is tiny it's fine. I just tried it on the spinning face brush and it's too thick to lather, unfortunately.

It washes off easily and is a little moisturising but not enough for my oily/dry combination skin. It is early days though but so far, nothing stands out and it's probably not something I would buy again. I may change my mind down the road when I have used it more.

I just finished watching this old show called Quantico with Priyanka Chopra. I did enjoy it. FBI recruits that try to avert disaster and decipher who the bad guy is. I like policey shows because I try to follow the clues and figure it out before they do.

It got cancelled after 3 seasons so I guess that it why it had such an unsatisfying ending. I was also hoping the Alex (Priyanka) character would have evolved more. 

She jumped from man to man and then back to Ryan (main love interest) and then on to random men lol. She latched on and then when they were smitten, then she high tailed it out of there.

By the middle of the second season. I wasn't bothered about Ryan and Alex staying together. I just wanted her to mature. It surprises me though that they broke them apart and Ryan ended up with her best friend. 

The chemistry was off and then right at the last episode when I thought this is it.  A nice cutesy ending. Instead of introducing her new beau to her soon-to-be adopted daughter. She just looks and dismisses him completely. Good grief. Frustrating!

I was sure that by now my mud mask would have arrived. This was the day predicted and I only have basic tracking, which states we will only update when it's been attempted grrr.

Trying to be a better blogger

I've been sitting here feeling guilty because I haven't put up a new post in a few days. My classic posts are nearly depleted and that took so much pressure of trying to publish something regularly.

The more I try to come up with something suitable to write is the less ideas that spring to mind. I have been a blank canvas for weeks. 

I feel calm and I'm beginning to think I can only blog when I'm angry or sad, when I'm processing those extreme emotions.

For dinner I made these chicken coleslaw paratha wraps. They were great but so messy. How do you not have the whole thing come apart in your hands? 

I didn't even want warm coleslaw but it was easier to put the whole thing together and then reheat it. 

Plus if you don't have some type of sauce, it's really dry as a sandwich. I'm thinking maybe sweet chilli or garlic mayo would have worked better. 

I am definitely due on soon. I can tell by my monster appetite. I am just craving all sorts and just seem to want to graze endlessly.

My eyes feel so much better after my lenses had a good night soaking in the saline and protein tablets that I used for a deep clean. I've never used Bausch and Lomb saline solution before. 

It's pretty effective at rinsing out the cleaner which is really strong and if not removed completely and will sting your eyes for ages.

If I saw another offer I would purchase it but I need to be saving money not spending it. I'm used to getting my supplies from Morefield's but now that I am not visiting them anymore. I look elsewhere. 

An acquaintance was recommending Specsavers but I loathe them. The branch closest to me in town are rude and dismissive. 

If I encounter bad customer service, I tend not to give them my repeat business. There is so much competition, why suffer?

I'm still waiting for my mud mask and new top. I also bought a 300x bumper pack of mini hair bobbles because I use them and then a few days later bin them. It was just about £2ish so they should last a while. 

I can't believe these new clips are actually staying secure in my hair, normally I wake up and look scruffy with the clips dangling by my sides like earrings :D

The Perfectil supplements are giving me an energy boost, increasing my nail growth rapidly but I'm not sure about the hair growth or skin clearing. 

Although I did just chop two inches off but it has only been just over a month so I just need to be patient which is not my strong point.

I can't breathe

It could be any number of factors. I know when I am hormonal I get irritated and prefer to be left in peace. It could also be from evolving. 

When I lived at home and saw friends in particular I felt like I had to constantly entertain and be the one to lift everyone's spirits.

I consistently lied to my cousin about not wanting to get together. The real reason I didn't want to see her is she and her sister zeroed in on all my insecurities. 

I never felt enough and shish they let me know it. I felt like I had to transform in front of them into this whole new person who was confident and worldly and constantly on the go.

I am a really simple woman. The opposite to them. They had to be liked and have everyone in their orbit be in awe of them. 

I just wanted to blend in and be allowed to do my own thing and feel how I felt. I didn't need to be liked and still don't but I deserved to be respected at the very least.

I am still learning how to ask for what I want and to be around them means I feel off-balance. I have irregular acquaintances that float in and out of my life and that's fine and a few who manage to linger longer.

The brief ones seem to latch on to me for dear life. At first the regular contact is amusing and fun but a few days later, their constant pull on me, starts to be stifling. 

I am back to steer heading the conversation and making all of the effort. It's like they lose the ability to maintain their individuality. I am their sole focus. 

Nothing happening in their life comes across, it is just follow up questions about mine. At this point, my oxygen runs low and I run screaming for the hills. I cannot be your lifeline. I am my own breathing apparatus.

I normally stop responding for a bit or lie but for this latest one I told the truth. I need some space away form you and will be in touch later on in the week.

Apart from stunned silence and taking a while to respond. He actually handled it pretty well and said he would wait to hear back. 

My next step is to limit the contact channels. I'm going to cut off emails and leave it with texts and calls. It is just too much to be badgered in all directions.

He may last a little bit longer but the expiration date is close at hand. I can sense the resentment that I don't fawn all over him, boost his ego or want to spend every waking moment in his presence.

I have been living on my own now since 2007 I think and I absolutely love it. I can entertain myself. I can do whatever on earth I want. I rarely feel bored or alone. 

I don't have to be pressured into being someone I'm not or forced into being chirpy. I can just breathe and feel according to my mood.

Why can't the clingy among you do the same? Why do you have to be so suffocating? Get a hobby. Learn a new skill. Find out what interests you, apart from me. 

What are you going to do when I sever my ties, with or without the explanation that you've turned dull and needy? 

Beauty topup

I got my Asda shopping earlier and was gutted to learn that my saline and a few other bits were out of stock grrr. I have no luck with the damn saline but have bought it from Amazon because of necessity.

A 3 pack of 500ml for £11.25. It's not ideal but larger than the size I usually purchase, plus it will last me a while.

I also got confused and thought that the Asda charcoal face wash was out of stock too so I bought another one from Ebay. The same L'oreal Flowers I bought previously. It's lush.

It turns out that it was the face mask, that was unavailable. All these amendments are confusing me.

I'll review the Asda wash and face mask when I've used it as my current one is almost empty. I hopped online to find a deal and wowser. It presented itself.

It was probably newly listed and I jumped at the chance. I'm not big on brands unless it is important like eyecare. I also don't want it to be so basic that it will irritate my skin.

Anyway the price was a mere £1 and postage was £2.90. I knew that I was prepared to spend up to £4 for a face mask but at a decent size and this was 200ml.

It's funny the postage is higher than the item. The make is Rivage which I have never heard of so I googled the worth and it is priced at £26!!!!

I don't know why the seller was selling it so cheaply but bargain of the century. Obviously I have to try it first but it was cheaper than all the rest and I hope it isn't a peel off version. They are so wrong ickity!

I would have tried out the Asda brightening gel mask for £2.25 and that is only 100ml. Ebay does have a lot of bargains if you shop at the right time.

I really love the Asda beef and vegetable pasties, they are like mini pies and are so tasty as a snack. At one point they had stopped them but either it is temporarily back or it is a seasonal thing.

Next I'll either get some nightshirts or a new top. I haven't decided yet..

Asda home shopping

I've decided the best thing to do is try out Asda and get my saline and beauty supplies like face mask and face wash. I really do love Iceland but the limited stock is a killer. 

I spoke to customer services today and made a suggestion, they stock eyecare. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I don't seem to have much luck shopping anywhere but Iceland but I am desperate for supplies and my lenses need to be regularly cleaned for them to be comfortable and clear enough to see properly. 

I'll just forgo buying storing solution as it is too expensive. I will stick to saline and use it for hosting my lenses and rinsing them from the cleaner.

Yet more tinkering with my Chromebook and I figured out how to permanently get Youtube in a separate space away from my Chrome tabs. I just use *alt* and open it in a new window so now my precious Chrome has no other tabs on it.

I thought like WIndows I would be able to bypass logging in with a password but I don't think you can. I'm worried about forgetting it but so far I seem to remember it.

I forgot how much variety Asda had. I used to quite like popping in there for speciality bits and pieces. If it works out and they actually deliver successfully on Monday. I will just end up alternating between Iceland and them.

If not I will keep looking for a saline bulk buy offer that doesn't have ridiculously high postage. I got to stock up on essential oils. They get used up so quickly or maybe time is just flying by.

Me and mum were talking about Christmas, even though it is only November and nobody knows what is going to happen yet. I know she wants me to come down, even if my brothers are there but I told her I wouldn't.

Even now she doesn't get my fear and anxiety regarding them and what they put me through. I think she assumes I'm being difficult, selfish or overreacting but constantly placating a bully capable of verbal/physical outrage takes its toll.

She may not forgive me for putting my needs above hers but I don't forgive her for letting me shrink away to nothingness.

Anyway, we shall see what happens, closer to the time.

Productivity

It has been a busy morning for me and I feel happy that it is all done. I paid bills. Finally got a long overdue payment from a company that refused to cooperate and pay what was owed me.

My perfume coming via Hermes is due anytime 11am-1pm they said.

I was able to purchase the giftset for mum, the fragranced lotion/body wash. I know it is early but with everything going on, I thought that would be best. Plus I didn't want to spend out the money I just received.

I haven't even eaten yet. It's hard to believe that it is already November and Christmas is ever closer. I really need to soak my contact lenses in protein tablets soon. I haven't been cleaning them daily as I am completely out of saline.

I am left with just a quarter left of storing solution and I just realised, I can finally afford to get them online from Ebay or whoever has the best deal.

I genuinely like my new Chromebook but it is honestly a step backwards from Windows. If you are multitasking and used to a quicker pace, it is a challenge. 

Not being able to use other browsers other than Chrome effectively and not being able to right click without jumping through hoops. 

It slows me down and irks me that the things I used to do without even thinking. I now have to backtrack and redo all over.

I used to use the mouse a lot for scrolling but now I have to click and then scroll but if I use the arrow keys, it just works immediately. 

Plus I have noticed with the caps lock. It is extremely slow at turning off so while I am busy typing away, the second letter is capitalised and I have to constantly go back and edit. Frustrating!

Ahh I realised that my display was too bright and that was killing the battery. I dimmed it as I have a usb light anyway and now it lasts 5 hours ish I think.

Ooh my perfume just arrived 12pmish. All I can smell is alcohol but the little I do is wonderful.

When I'm writing I prefer the browser I am working on to be free of other tabs. It just helps me feel unburdened and more creative. Otherwise I am reminded of all the things I have yet to finish.

I have managed to repin Youtube on my taskbar so that is one less tab cluttering up my page. I'll probably just start blogging in the morning and then do everything else later.

I am going to have lunch I guess and I shall resume the classic posts shortly. To be honest there are not many left anyway.

I haven't seen any good saline offers. The postage is way too high so I might have to buy those really crappy individual vials and use it that way.....Ugh annoying!

The less I am using my hands the better. They are already strained.

Sweet blunder

I was supposed to get my Tesco groceries order yesterday but they let me down so today Iceland texted to say they were running late.

It was a 4pm-6pm order and I don't usually like the late slots but I was lucky to get anything on short notice. 

I had initial panic that they wouldn't show but they have never let me down before and true enough about 6.30pm the friendly driver showed up and I began unpacking..

Now here is where it gets interesting. Over half of it wasn't what I ordered. I just double checked to see that I have received all of my original items and luckily I had bar the items out of stock. My lovely wholemeal rolls.

I spotted about 6x 2 litre bottles of drink, lemon and a fruit medley. Dove soap. Sugar. Fruit smoothies. A carton of orange juice (sorely needed as it helps with pmt). Baguettes. Chicken sandwich filler.

Also everything to break my diet that I have been so good at keeping from July/August.

Viscount biscuits, ginger nuts, twirl chocolate, viennese swirl biscuits.

It is cheeky to say, this shopper has really fabulous taste? I would purchase these types of things. I'm not going to toss them in the bin as that is wasteful.

I will just enjoy it after all the pmt/grocery stress I have endured. I feel bad for the other person because I know what it's like to have half your shopping missing but I've also had lots of other peoples shopping too.

I am claiming complete innocence. It's not my job to double check I have the right goodies and the drivers scarper off immediately anyway.

Sorry intended purchaser of my sweet treasure bounty. I promise I will savour each bite....Yummmm :D