It is not moi.. It is you!

I've just had another penpal request come into my inbox that I have a feeling I have received before but this time I replied to it as I was in a generous mood. 

Telling him politely that I was satisfied with the penpals that I had and I wished him well in his search for the same.

I am really content only having females to correspond with and will update my advert if we part company to limit it to not having males. 

They know how to have full conversations and listen. They don't make me feel creeped out or that I am being flirted with. They also write fairly long emails and space them out so that I don't feel pressured to reply every day.

I can also have a difference of opinion from them and not feel like it will turn into a full blown argument which is wonderful because I can learn a different perspective and appreciate the thought that has gone into it.

Even if I still do not necessarily agree with it. None of them have crumbled and lost face with their convictions and just jumped onto my way of thinking. 

Officially I have two penpals but I do write to someone else as we bonded over the struggles of writing. She is very intelligent and sharp. Her words leap out from a page and hit you. 

I really admire her talent and the way her mind works. Plus she is really funny so it's an interesting mix of content in our back and forth exchanges. 

On the whole I think most people prefer snail mail and it is exciting to know a letter is due and I can curl up and read it in my leisure time. 

However the amount of information I cram into my replies would cause me problems so emailing is a gentler less personal solution but it works for me.

There are some nasty people in the world so if you are thinking of getting into this worthwhile hobby. Please take it slowly and let the trust build up first before you share anything too personal. 

I would still recommend it though. Just make your own ad and be honest about what you want and that way I am sure a few decent responses will come out of it.

Bad/good dates part 2

This time I'll start off with the bad dates and end on the highs. 

First the socially awkward date, where on the surface he seemed fine and then the date happened and I have never cringed so much in my life. 

He was on time which was a good start so brownie point for that but before we even went to the bar for drinks. 

He asked me if I fancied him and liked him enough for this to get serious as he needed to know right that second.

I told him that I would need to get to know him more first and see how the date progressed. 

He demanded an answer there and then so I told him straight if he was going to pressure me for an immediate answer he wouldn't like my response but he insisted so I told him bluntly to be badgered like this was very offputting. 

It reeked of desperation and I told him point blank he needed to relax and let the date move forward more naturally. Sometime it works out and other times it doesn't.

Just as I thought now things would calm down. He asked me a question and then says, well I asked you something, now it's your turn to speak. 

I'm not sure if I smacked my forehead, dropped my jaw, rolled my eyes or shook my head. 

Let's just say that soon after my hasty exit was established.

The next date seemed harmless enough, we got chatting inside a convenience store and arranged a date later that weekend. 

It was the first date I had in a while but I considered him the icebreaker into the dating, shark infested whirlpool. 

I met him up at his workplace and from there we went for drinks at a quiet little pub.

The bartender was so yummy. He was the spitting image of David Boreanaz but a younger better version. 

I have one of those expressive faces so I think he knew I was keen on him, hell even my date noticed. 

I did try to halt my face turning red whenever he looked at me but failed miserably. It didn't help that he was being flirty back. 

Returning to my date. It was not going well. We had very little in common and seemed to be struggling making even the basic chit chat, so I offered to go to the bar and get us another round of drinks. 

(Any excuse to talk to the hunky barman again). Begrudglngly he agreed and I lingered a little too much. 

When I returned my date wasted no time in asking for my phone number. 

Sheer panic had to be hidden because I had my phone on me but fibbed and said I didn't have a phone. 

I just thought please do not ring, pretty please with a cherry on top.

Thankfully for me it didn't and soon after we made tracks. I smiled taking one last lingering look at the barman and left. 

He insisted on dropping me off so I climbed into the car and from this point on, I can't remember if I had buckled my seatbelt or not but the next thing I knew he had lunged at me trying to kiss and I don't want to think what else. 

I was pounding on his back yelling at him to get off me and then he did apologise. Only to lunge back again two seconds later. 

This happened about two or three times and I was petrified that he was going to increase the aggressive attacks and really hurt me but I had managed to keep fending off his advances and raising my voice seemed to finally get through to him. 

He insisted on dropping me off so at that point leaving was not an option. I have a feeling I was buckled up.

Throughout the drive he kept profusely apologising and I pretended to forgive him in order to keep safe as now I had no idea what he was capable of next. 

"No!" Didn't seem to be a familiar word with him. Eventually we got back to his workplace and I have never unbluckled and scrambled out of a car so fast in my life. 

It could have been worse but it sure was not what I expected from this mild mannered man.

I got chatting to a guy online and he was very cheeky and sweet and he kept asking me out and I kept saying no and then months went by and we grew somewhat closer and talked practically every night and the important thing was that he stayed consistent and reliable, so if he made a time to be available for me then barring any complications I knew he would be there.

He eventually wore me down and I did agree to meet him on the proviso that he would make me feel safe without hitting on me or saying anything to make me uncomfortable and he was agreeable to the terms so we swapped phone numbers, probably talked for a bit and then made plans to have dinner.

The night before we were due to meet. I was gripped by panic and uncertainty. 

My track record was hellish so what if he was just pretending to be this decent man? 

I got myself worked up into quite a state, feeling nauseated and ill at ease and did not get a wink of sleep. 

I got up the next morning and still felt horrendous. I just couldn't seem to relax as this was my first link up with a man in years. 

It was also close to the trauma that happened and I was still shaky and had not been all that sociable since it happened so I went through my entire wardrobe and then felt exhausted.

I think I set the alarm to wake me up in an hour but promptly slept through it and a few hours later I had woken up to missed calls and texts. 

I was running late, the traffic updates had severe congestion and I really should have cancelled the plans but as we talked I realised it was now or never and I owed him this much as he also had not been that sociable since his breakup.

Extremely late and still unsettled I decide to try on a few more outfits, picked a dress and just headed out. 

I texted my apologies and to say I was on my way but it was a long tedious journey, however when our eyes met. 

He was not at all mad or aggressive, he was relieved that I showed up. 

We had Chinese for dinner which was awful. My stomach still hadn't stopped lurching so although I had not eaten all day I couldn't face having a big meal. 

I ordered a snack, had a few bites and cast it aside as it was bland and tasteless.

The more we talked and joked around though. The better I felt. 

He was extremely thoughtful and when we were outside around a lot of people he took special care to either put his arm around me or let me hold on to his arm and far from teasing me about it, he seemed to like it.

Next we decided to visit a nearby bar and when a few drinks had gotten inside me I really stopped feeling tense and overwhelmed and began to let my guard down and enjoy myself. 

I like to think I helped with his lack of confidence because he really was a lovely guy and very easy to talk to.

For two people that hadn't met before we got on as though we were old friends. The only thing I didn't like about him was that he kept asking me back to his place for the weekend and that made me very wary but aside from that he was a complete gentleman.

Next was my most recent encounter which still happened a long while ago. I had just picked up a product test, some fruit juice and then had my brows done to perfection and I was waiting to go home, when a random guy broke into my train of thought. 

He was full of compliments and easy banter and persuaded an exhausted me to go for a drink.

I don't usually leave with strangers but this was very much in the mid afternoon so plenty of people were scattered around and I thought. 

Why not just have an innocent conversation? I joined him in the local pub and we had a very frank discussion for a few hours about life, love, work and hobbies. It was very chilled and amusing.

I felt conflicted about staying in touch as I still didn't want to date anyone but friendship would have been great so we did end up swapping numbers but that is pretty much how it should have ended. As a lovely imprompt afternoon chance meeting.

Moi? Surely not..

Well September is proving to be a very fascinating month. I got a private test which is exactly what I needed but it isn't the way I thought it would be however early days yet. 

I came back from a late lunch today with mum and it was great to just chill out with her and have a sumptous lunch.

I was able to tell her about the hot streak I'm currently having. £20 paypal, £50 shopping voucher, multiple scratchcards and the month has just begun. 

There have been a lot of small but regular wins this year and it is all adding up so very overdue pleasant news for me while I'm suffering these increased dizzy spells and foggy brainwaves.

The only thing I'm sad about is that I forgot to pick some dessert to take away with me. Cupcakes would have gone down a treat

Is insult/judge me written on my forehead?

I seem to be an magnet for people that appear sweet and thoughtful and then because we think or act differently, the tentative insults come out. 

My guard was up as it always is but I want to learn to trust more and be open even though this situation invariably comes up.

Good naturedly it seems she offers me a present. I think, how thoughtful but unfortunately it isn't suitable so I sincerely thank her and explain a bit more about my circumstances..

Thinking that she will understand and accept my reasons for politely declining. However she seems to take it very personally.. 

Admitting to being in a similar situation but with her she doesn't limit herself but carries on regardless but if I did a whole day of that I would be on bed rest for a week.

So again hurt but instilled with manners I tell her I admire her strength of character. She then follows up with.....no wonder you have negativity in your life and then I reach the point where I snap because I draw the conclusion that she thinks I don't even try. 

I didn't expect her to be judgemental or to readily assume people don't have limitations set for the good of their health. Just because she pushes through the pain, I can't believe she expects me or others to do the same.

There have only been a few instances with her where I have been in a foul mood compared to the majority of the time when I am playful, cheeky and witty. I am not a robot. 

If I'm experiencing pmt/pain/tiredness or being surrounded by rude people I should be entitled to be temperamental. I spent far too long suppressing my emotions until I had no self worth or jubilation remaining.

I have pushed past the pain many times before and then the pain will spread everywhere until I am in agony. It is at this point I find it almost impossible not to cry and this is humiliating. 

I reach my breaking point and can't control my emotions. There is too much pain which is why I avoid too many strenuous activities. 

I know my limitations and I am responsible for taking care of me, noone else, so for me to act nonchalant and blindly accept a gift that will backfire is not practical. Aren't gifts supposed to evoke happiness?

I can always sense but not necessarily tell for sure when someone is being less than kind but what cemented it was the weak, bitter, sarcastic apology. 

That's when you know you have been called out and need to think about what you've said to me or how you have acted towards me as I do listen and pay attention..

To everything that goes on and you better believe sooner or later I will call you out on it, then disappear because frankly I have seen an unpleasant side to you that lingers.

It would have been vastly different if the apology was sincere and you took into consideration the details I included but you didn't. 

You claimed to be empathising with me but I knew that you were lying. The aggressive tone just kept increasing and then you were surprised when I reacted strongly.

Every day is a fresh challenge. I may have suffered nightmares, panic attacks, flashbacks which then make me relive in excruciating detail the trauma, raw pain or general soreness and insomnia. 

I have to follow my routine and try to avoid all the triggers that make me feel downcast. Otherwise I feel I will crumble and never stop crying.

I put on feel-good tunes and I am able to function. My mind is suddenly lifted and I can get on with whatever is on my schedule, up until the point where the pain starts to hit me. 

It may start off in one area and then some mystery pain will surface or suddenly I will feel dizzy or incredibly tired and I feel mad at myself for giving in and either taking a nap or resting. 

I know that it is the best thing for me because it halts the pain and lets my body stop straining itself but sometimes I want to be stronger.

I feel weak at times that I let people get to me and that it doesn't take long for the pain to surface. I should be tougher by now.

Words should bounce off me but they hurt still. I'm not made of mush am I?

Do I seem funny to you?

The easily agitated season is almost upon me. I have skipped July/August's period but that isn't unusual for me. 

Something recently happened and at first I had a twinge of hmm but let it wash over me, however now two others have said the same thing and it no longer seems so harmless.

"Nobody understands anything you say but we all laugh anyway." Exactly how am I supposed to take that? I know there is no intended malice behind it but it is still thoughtless.  

While they are chuckling away at my expense. I have feelings too. I do admit to not always filtering myself, sometimes random thoughts pop up and I share however I am sure that most of what I say is legible. 

At times I feed off somebody else and then add my own witty spin to it or I can just come up with something on my own.

The really close people near to me are laughing themselves silly and making me laugh. Other people however are adding sarcastic comments and making me feel self conscious. 

One friend has already noticed that I am quieter than usual.

The sensitive part of me that grew up being ridiculed has always been prickly about not being laughed at, but that people laugh with me.

I can only be myself the madcap, sensitive and intelligent me. Certain things people say will always hurt me but nowadays it is merely a superficial dent and not the long ago festering damage it once was.

Good/bad dates I've had Part 1

I'm not sure if this really counts but a friend called me up and pleaded with me to tag along on a cosy foursome outing. 

This guy she was unsure about, had asked her out and to placate her he said he would bring a friend to take the pressure off and she thought of me.

I had zero enthusiasm for this, although I had always thought what a fun idea double dating was.

Pessimistic me comes out again. She would not take no for an answer so I finally relented and then scoured my wardrobe for something sexy.

I met up with her, shaking my head and wondering how I got talked into this and then the guys picked us up. 

Straight away it was divide and conquer. Her date was driving so she sat upfront with him and mine was at the back with me (sounds naughty but it wasn't).

I recall it being so strained at first, hardly anyone was talking and if they were it was very closed questions and answers which didn't help at all. 

Normally this is my cue to vamp up the chat and get it flowing but I didn't feel relaxed yet so I left it to the guys to fill in the awkward silence.

Eventually after a long car ride filled with excruciating pregnant pauses we were finally there. My friend kept shooting me looks and smiles to get me relaxed but I knew that alcohol would do that far better than anything else could. 

(Those days to cure my shyness I used to have to get tipsy to relax, otherwise I just felt so self conscious it was horrible).

I'm a teetotaller now and have been for many years, more on this later as one of the dates are directly response for this decision.

We all exited the car together and headed into the nightclub and as we were queuing up at the bar, my date turned, pulled me aside and gave me one hell of an icebreaker. 

The very best I have encountered to date. He smiled and said "look, we both can't play shy." I laughed so hard and all that nervous tension was finally lost.

Aside from expecting me to dirty dance/kiss him, it really was a memorable time, dancing the night away and laughing.

I didn't see him in a romantic light but for the most part, he was an absolute gentleman and I found out the hard way how rare these encounters would be for me. 

There are too many bad dates to mention but the one that sticks out is actually a secondish date. Me and a friend had gone to the local pub for drinks and I had gotten her into playing pool.

There were no free tables so while waiting around, some guys took pity and said if we waited until they finished their current game we could join them. 

(That actually happened to us a lot, before all the pool tables were taken out of the pubs). It must have been all the pouting and fluttering of lashes that did it, not to mention us cute as ever. 

Again we were split up and my friend really hit it off with her guy and mine was alright but the alcohol hadn't sunk in yet.

We decided to have another go at it and he asked me out on my own so I thought, anything beats staying at home in that atmosphere. 

(I took so many risks back then). He picks me up and then we go to his place and the romantic sappy side of me is thinking, he'll cook for us and we'll curl up and watch a movie..

However the reality was a lot of talking and no food (of which as per usual before a date, I ate nothing so that my belly wouldn't stick out in my chosen outfit).  

He kept plying me with drinks and that should have been the warning to get out but I thought maybe we would just eat later.

I remember asking him for mixers, ice and nibbles of which he claimed to have none and then the more the evening wore on, the dizzier I became until I felt sick. 

The rest is hazy but what stands out is him driving me home, begging me not to throw up in his precious car and driving off as soon as I had closed the car door. 

I stumbled towards my home shakily, couldn't get the keys in and that is when my memory fades.

This is what my mum told me the next day. She had to let me in as I couldn't get the keys in the lock, I took a step in and promptly passed out on the floor.

She couldn't wake me up, so she had to leave me. When I finally awoke and crawled to my bed, my insides just felt really weird. 

I was hungover but this felt different. I don't know if he spiked my drink or not but it took me a few days to recover and put me off alcohol for a long time.

 Even then every drink I had my body rejected it, so not being a big drinker I just abstained from it happily.