#BlogLife157 - A different kind of listener (call spoof 4)

Hey whoever the hell you are. Welcome to Truth Hurts. This isn't the softly sweetie gentle approach. This is direct and to the point.

Yes, yes I am aware.

Well, what are you waiting for? Spit it out, I haven't got all day!!

Depressed but not depressed. Fix me.

What kind of nonsensical idiotic statement was that? Either start making sense or I will charge you triple.

You thought this was a free service trial? You got bamboozled. I have your credit card details and will authorise a quadruple payment for wasting my time!!

Ummmmmm...

Keep playing with me and I'll bankrupt you!

Yeeesh calm down. Alright here goes. Well I am seeing this girl but not seeing her.

Explain in detail or so help me, in the name of Axe Murderers everywhere, I will hunt you down or reach through this telephone and strangle you!!

I mean, well I was kinda, sorta, in a way seeing her mostly at night. She just seemed to appear wherever I was and then, well now it's been 16 and a half evenings and nothing.

She was stalking you??? (Pfft yea right, as if you are some prized hunk of beefcake)! 

Hmm? No I didn't say anything like that...

I feel sad and stuff. I close my eyes and rest my head and curl up and I don't see her in my dreams anymore. I was going to propose and everything........

WHAT!!! She isn't even real you twit. She is imaginary. I am going to murder you in your sleep now.

Arghhhhhhhhhh mummy. Help!! This mad woman on the phone is trying to kill me. Arghhhhhh.

Wait. Oh yea, she really isn't real. Thanks I don't feel so bad anymore. Can I give you my address so you can give me a refund?

Okay, that seems plausible. It's 169 Blood Splatter Road, Murder Way, Texas.

Hello? Are you still there?? Hmm, she hung up..

#BookLife2 - The lost girl (fiction)

I hum a song without words. I look upwards, it is difficult to traipse through this muddy swamp. Mud is sticking to my bare feet and I feel unclean but free.

There isn't even a straight path ahead of me, it feels bumpy and split. Which way do I go? A bird flies ahead and shows me a dark shadowy direction.

I shake my head. I don't think so. I want an easy route. Something clear and light. I swerve to the left and almost get hit by a branch but I duck.

Hmmm. It seems straightforward but is it really? I hear rustling. Who is it? Who is there, show yourself!!

A 5ft11 creature appears in front of me. 

My name is Randolphino and I own this swamp, to get past me, I need to understand you better.

I don't like visitors, especially gatecrashers. 

I roll my eyes, look Randykins, if you didn't want trespassers, you should have put up a sign or seven.

He growls. Look I do, I try but somebody keeps stealing them. I am at my wits end but that is no excuse for you to be here. This place isn't on any map. 

How did you discover it? 

I shrugged I was just wandering around and then I fell down here and it looks pretty peaceful actually.

I can see why you like living here. 

Yea yea yea. What are your intentions???

My what? As possibly n-nice as you may be when someone knows you better. I'm not looking for a hubby, just a lookie, a carefree ramble of sorts..

Don't you think I'm cute? I haven't shown you my best side, wait wait *twists right* Check out my profile. Hunk city, yes?

*Coughs* Trying to not show how repelled I am. Umm you are definitely, t-truly, ummmm, like noone else on this earth!

He beams! Works every time. No creature or human can resist this timeless beauty.

Mumbles to myself...Remind me brain, why did you want lots of illumination? I would happily poke my own eyes out if I could.

Speak up, don't be shy.. Can I call you... Wait, how dare you not introduce yourself to me.

Where are your manners girl? Tell me at once, what they call you?

My name is Deliphina. You've been a really kind host but I s-should g-get going.

Nonsense ether you stay for dinner or you will be dinner! Chop chop Delphy, this way, mind the branches.

I am going to need your bag so you can't run away. Lot's do, they say, I'm too handsome and they aren't worthy.

I hate to have to dine on them but I detest clutter. I only have one giant cage and that is for someone truly deserving.

There is the cage for when I need me-time and the love palace, love cave for........Giggles, you know..

Wheezes with panic and a hastily covered laugh. You know this is an amazing property. How much to buy it and bulldoze it??

WHAT??? Are you crazy woman. This swamp has been in my family for.. Okay well we just acquired it and by that I mean, I ate all the inhabitants.

I have grown attached to it though. Don't you think we would make beautiful hybrid creatures together?

*Chokes and tries to catch my breath* Randykins slaps me on the back viciously.

S-stop. I'm fine. I'm yeesh, did you just bruise my rib?

Mmmmm spare ribs. *Looks me up and down* I just remembered I skipped breakfast.....

You look weary. I'll light a fire and you can marinate, oops I mean bathe in this giant pot...Errr tub.

Give me a few moments to look up girl stew, I mean gravy stew..

Grabs my bag and runs screaming...... Somebody save me. I don't care if you're not human. Cannibals need not apply. Arghhhhh!!!

Almost trips but doesn't. I look back smirking and then stumble over a tree branch and fall flat on my face. Grrr.

I lean against the tree, ponder and then hastily limp backwards. He wasn't so bad apart from the looks and monster appetite. Maybe I am the real villain?

I lock myself in Randolphino's cage and calmly sit cross legged.

Turns out, I am the monster, not you!!

The End

#BlogLife156 - Weirdness in the penpal world

It is time for a progress report on the penpal situation. They are still trickling in but a strange thing is occurring. It cannot be a coincidence or can it??

A name keeps appearing in the replies, in the email addresses and conversations. The same name, slightly altered. Is it the same person?

I have rejected them because I never want to hear that name again. Yet I check my inbox and the name appears with a different email attached to it.

Also sometimes it is the first name, other times the surname. That's peculiar right??? Plus he began the email, mid argument lol. Who does that?? :D

Anyway.. I did get one reply that I have been exploring on a trial basis. He seemed to be fine and fit all the boxes. Shared, was communicative and had a sense of humour too.

Initially it was good but the tone has definitely changed dramatically, ever since he brought up swapping photographs and having a video chat, getting together via a messenger.

Ick, not my thing. You know my deal. I prefer them faceless, somewhat anonymous so I can remain the same.

Also is it just me, or does that seem a bit romancey/dately/flirty/intimate? This is a penpal which is platonic.

I'm not looking for an overseas hubby. I'm having flashbacks to my old penpal experiences, read the other penpal posts, if you want to know more :D

His reply was that he respects my wishes and accepts it. His actions and the fact that he went from being really responsive to short, curt replies, tells me different.

Why not just be honest? I don't understand the lies. If you are not okay with something, speak up and say.. 

Hmm that is surprising, I assumed you would be fine with it and you are not. I have to think about whether I want to carry on or not. 

Rolls eyes. I am not holding my breath so the search continues for someone less picky I guess :) He has since not said anything at all.

He could just be busy but my instincts say he has gone to find a more picturesque beauty. Good luck to him. That will not be me.

Plus if he expects me to chase him up............ He will be waiting a very long time!

#BlogLife155 - We need to talk..

Actually we don't need to talk. I need to be heard for once! You need to listen.

You're witty, smart, cute and entertaining so I can pretend that everything is equal between us..

For a while at least. I enquire about your life, your romances..

Fine is your favourite word because that's all you reply. 

You ask me about mine superficially as you know I don't date. 

It feels as though you are putting your obligatory time in and waiting until the topic switches to something fictiony/flirty/lighthearted. 

I'm getting tired of you being there but feigning ignorance. 

Sorry I was busy.. 

Sorry didn't get your message.. 

Sorry I-

I just don't care anymore. I tried to hang on to the good memories but the bad, now outweighs it. 

I had a crush on S but he judged me and cowardly ran away.

J2 I liked hanging out with but when I confronted him about being dissatisfied, there was no effort made at all. 

and C was one sided but amusing. I knew him the longest. A few years. 

J1 I honestly just like flirting with. He is one sided also but there is a more vocal presence.  

I want to be able to say to someone.. Anyone.. And have them be concerned, the way I am, when they say it to me!!

I'm having a bad day. That I feel troubled and stressed. 

I want you to prompt me for more details.

To really truly listen, pay attention and take it all in and remember that I struggle on a daily basis.

That each time I step outdoors, it takes me a while to recover. It is now Friday and my body is still in pain.

When I lay down and should feel relaxed and soothed. I want to cry because the pain has my heart locked up. 

I feel like what happened to me, is fresh. I feel the same tightness. The very same pains and aches.

I feel trapped and helpless and so scared. The tears are trickling down my face because I don't want to feel like that.

There is absolutely nobody that listens and cares. I kid myself that you do. That you did.

Walking away, judging me and not bothering to ask how I am? Clearly tells me otherwise.

Today I realise I am better off without you.

I needed you to care about someone other than yourself and to acknowledge my requirements. 

I realised you didn't act concerned at all today and frankly it's unacceptable. That was the last straw. 

Farewell indefinitely. I already said my goodbyes to you. 

One accepted it, the other ignored it and the ghost, I now have my closure from.

My banter will be two way from now on. I'm not sure why I expected more from all of you but I did.

You all thought I was going to settle for your dismissive attitudes forever?

Nope I am too good for that and deserve way more but I had a good time while it lasted.

The worst thing about all of you is that you all know I crave this closeness, this intimacy but you go along with it in the most minimum way and then just put a barrier up.

I feel like you know to a degree, that I put myself out there and share things and you side step, side track and get me off on a new tangent so that I don't realise at first, you haven't opened up much or at all.

Even just at the basic level, what you are up to. What your weekend was like. There are no details whatsoever.

Inconsequential chatter is your forte. I realise that now. In the beginning I can take it but afterwards. Yeesh. It's not enough.

There is something about me that needs to be extra understanding. I have no earthly idea why. The crappy thing is, you realise and exploit my nature!!!

Only when I have forged this deep connection with you, do I look for excuses, to gather why you must be acting this aloofly. 

Instead of meeting me half way and being a decent respectful human being. You crack jokes and tease and just distract me, this whole time.

You truly are heartless acquaintances. You all are! At long last my rose tinted glasses have been smashed away and I see you all as you appear.

Selfish, arrogant and cruelly apathetic!

Goodbye and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!

You can finally drop the pretence, we both know, you never ever gave a damn!!

#BlogLife154 - Was my drink spiked?

I talked about this before in another post. I got thinking about it as it was trending on Twitter. I realised I didn't even know the signs of a spiked drink.

1. Ice sinks to the bottom

2. The glass is cloudy

3. Bitter unusual taste

4. Excessive bubbles

I just about can ascertain things and the rest is a blur. I still to this day cannot remember clearly.

I know that, he never ever poured the drinks in front of me, which was odd.

He claimed not to have ice or snacks that would have watered down the drinks and coated my stomach.

He never ordered takeout, just kept egging me on to chug down, drink after drink after drink.

Come on, you are lagging behind. I have already downed mine!!

I can still see the tiny glass. It wasn't foggy or bubbly but each time he left, he took his time so he could have waited for the bubbles to disappear or wiped the fog away?

I do know that I had problems with my balance and vision. I know as soon as I tried to get up, I felt really sick.

I was wobbly. I couldn't figure out where the bathroom was. That is the last thing I remember about being in his house.

I don't recollect being led outside to his car. His words in the car still ring out in my head and I hope I threw up all over him.

Please don't vomit in my car, please please please. 

I don't remember walking to my door. I do know that I couldn't even see the lock to put my key through.

The door was opened for me and that is the extent of the memory. I passed out.

#Agonylife4 - Dear SS how do I get over my ex?

Firstly just know that we have all been there and it really sucks.

It will eventually get better but for now you might just have to deal with whatever emotions you are going through until they become less intense.

1. Was it a mutual break up?

Think about this carefully. Was is a whimsical decision or was there merit to it? 

It might not seem like it now, but maybe it is for the best and you can find someone more suitable way in the future.

2. Was it a healthy or non healthy relationship?

When dissecting this before we move on. You need to be able to take the good from it, learn what you can and just leave the negativity behind.

How can I be a better girlfriend/boyfriend? Could I have supported more? Been less selfish? Opened up more? Did I allocate enough quality time to my relationship?

If each day you can strive to be a better person than you are doing your part to evolve and make yourself ready for a new uplifting relationship in the future.

3. I know what you are going to say........ But I will ask anyway, can I keep tabs on my ex, what if he is keeping tabs on me? That's acceptable right?

Wrong, false, hell no, absolutely not, NO! All clear on my stance? 

Good, if you really want to move on as you claim, you need to cut all ties and erase them from your existence completely.

Obviously ignore that if you have kids together but you can still limit your interactions where possible as while you are hung up on this person, how does anyone else get a look in?

It is not fair to bring someone new into your life while you are heavily mooning over your ex, that is not acceptable and will make you a user.

Stop obsessing with what your ex is doing. They are your past. Look to your future and all the wonderful opportunities that are yet to be experienced.

Take a deep breath, delete, the texts, voicemails, call history and number. Unfollow, block do whatever you need too.

This is about a fresh start and a re-evaluation of your priorities, mainly yourself.

What do you want out of life?

Are you satisfied in your career?

Take up a new hobby, skill, interest.

Travel somewhere different

Shake up your routine

Re-invent your look

3. How do I get closure?

Vent to friends, family and whoever you feel closest too. 

Be completely candid and raw in a journal, blog, vlog etc. 

Write a letter and say everything you need too. Pour your heart out and have the frank discussion you craved but didn't get the chance to have. Don't mail it, just release the feelings.

4. How do I feel better?

Cut yourself slack and stop expecting to be over it immediately. Take the time needed to grieve but allow yourself to heal also.

Do nice things for yourself. You could treat yourself to something special.

Do some pampering or book an appointment.

Stick to your normal daily routine. Keep busy, have a purpose. Your thoughts can stray temporarily but after that, get back to work!!

Start living for yourself. You are the king or queen of your own destiny.

Don't wait for things to get easier, go out and seek the radical changes for your well being.

I have enormous belief in you, don't let me down, okay???!!!

You are a stunning, resilient hot totty and anyone would be lucky, damn privileged to have you in their lives!

Finally stop putting your ex on a damn pedestal. Stop thinking they were perfect and had no faults.

You know they had a lot of terrible habits. Think about those for a change. They were far from perfect.

I mean letting you go? That's just bad judgement for one. Perhaps they were manipulative? Perhaps they refused to compromise??

Whatever it was, it will just help to know that maybe the relationship you built up in your head, already had some significant cracks and wasn't as ideal as you made out..

#BlogLife153 - Who else has an aversion to being photographed?

When I compare the difference between when I was pre teen and now, the difference is significant. I used to make silly poses and want to be in the spotlight.

The centre of attention, well not the centre, somewhere upfront and clearly seen. I had a silly wig, probably won at a carnival and these bright red shoes that were probably gawdy to most..

But they conveyed a unique splash of colour so I adored them. However when I turned into a teenager and the weight piled on a bit, I felt so self conscious.

Suddenly having my picture taken and then looking at it, wasn't so appealing. I looked larger than life. I didn't feel cute or attractive, I felt like an oddball.

This excessively chubby girl who stood out and couldn't control the sweet tooth and the hatred of sports. I think I always had a zany dress sense.

I looked around at the mainstream sensible attire and thought.....Nope I want something different, something that not everyone is wearing.

I'm not sure when I turned that into a negative quality but staring at these ill-fitting mirrored images was just too much. Every time someone wanted to take my photo, I covered my face.

The response was a disgusted grunt and an insistence, a few times I got away with it and other times, my face just froze in front of the camera.

If I smiled it looked unnatural, if I didn't, I appeared moody and depressed. There was no good pose or way to beat the unpleasantness.

The final straw was when family friends came over and my mama, insisted I hand over my photo album, this bright green heavy book filled with cringey pictures.

I don't recall how many times I said No but it was pointless, I should have been able to laugh it off but I was too used to being humiliated and this was it, in ten fold.

I couldn't stay in the room. I wanted to be okay with it but I wasn't. I heard the laughter and my face burned red. I know it wasn't malicious but it hurt nonetheless.

It was similar to a hideous nickname that I was given by family/cousins and they knew I despised it but insisted on using it.

Everyone else had these sweet, adorable names and I had this one that implied..... Ugly monster duckling!!

When I finally snapped and had enough of the mockery. I insisted everyone use my name only and the nickname died right there and then, to my relief.

I ripped all the unflattering pictures out of my album and felt sadness and relief. It was as though I was disowning the carefree me, who had no insecurities and replacing her with the bitter me....

Who was nothing but a crisis messy bunch of self loathing. I even hated my baby photos.. But the one time that I actually looked good...

I wasn't even trying. The picture didn't even look like me. I had to get photo identification for College and the guy taking it, said smile.

I laughed and said no way, I look awful, just take it and I will resign myself to looking bad. He gave up but then said hmm, you'll be pleasantly surprised how good you look...

I scoffed yeah right, has never happened before. I picked it up and my mouth fell open. Damn I did look good, great even. It was a black and white image only and I was grinning but it looked natural.

I didn't feel like a cheesy chesire cat posing scarily. It was as though I was having a blast and the moment was captured forever.

I showed people and I was unrecognisable which stung. I finally looked delightful and noone saw the comparison...

I still loved it though. Then I reclaimed my unique style and made it work for me. I try to take my photo and like it but I can't, showing anybody my image just makes too uncomfortable.

It doesn't matter if I look alright, I still feel like that messy freak, who refused to conform, that wasn't skinny, beautiful and a clone of everyone else.

I can accept I am cute and have a certain basic beauty now though. It took me a long time but I see it in myself. It disappears in front of a camera but I see it in the mirror at times..

That is enough for me. I don't care if it's not acceptable to anyone else. I truly don't.

#AgonyLife3 - Dear SS how do I cope with being ill, knowing it won't get better on a daily basis?

I don't know what ailments you are dealing with but again I'll use myself as an example. Today I strutted out with a spring in my step and a sexy walk.

I was pain free and I knew it was going to be a long day because I had errands and needed things from the market. It's still difficult to get certain items.

I had run out of saline solution for one. Well honestly, I don't have cleaner or storing solution actually. There was a nearby specsavers and they had run out.

I gritted my teeth and had to walk about five minutes to get to the further stores but the pain was creeping viciously upwards. It started with my feet, each step was agony and then hips, back, hands.

Pretty soon I was stopping every few minutes to exhale loudly and hold onto the walls. No more happy movements, this was excruciating.

I was cursing loudly but I made it and then my body stiffened and the pain just moved everywhere. Each action was torture. I got home and didn't want to move.

I wanted sleep and food but of course I made myself something to eat and went to make amendments to the blog I posted today.

Then I did some volunteer chats and stayed busy and productive. That is my coping mechanism.

You see some people are in such desperate need of assistance that it makes me forget my own dramas. 

My point is find a way to vent to either friends, family, partner or on a blog/vlog/journal.

Then stay as productive as you can in your daily routine. Rest when you need too and be excited about your hobbies.

There is no magic fix that will make everything better. I wish I could do it but I can't. Another trick I think about is counting my blessings, possessing readily available food, having shelter and family around.

Certain people don't have anything at all so we should all be profoundly grateful that we do. There is always someone worse off than you.

One last thing, we all have those days where nothing works and it is so bad. On those occasions, I am not saying plaster on a fake smile and get on..

I say wallow and purge it from your system, take some time to acknowledge, Yes being ill sucks. It is a mood killer, not being able to perform routine activities.

Not wanting to leave the house because the pain is unbearable and you feel disgusted with yourself because being indoors all the time isn't normal but at least the pain is manageable.

Just do what you can, listen to sad songs, watch sad movies, cry it out if it helps. I certainly won't judge you for it. I do these things myself.

Then when the moment passes you will have the strength to get back and focus on the next challenging action.

It's okay to be in whatever mood you need too so that you can get through the day. I hope you realise that and that I am proud of you for coping as well as you do.

It doesn't always seem like we can bear it, but we can..Together..

:)

#BlogLife152 - Am I back to penpalling?

I guess I was feeling nostalgic and visited the sites I used to go on for my penpal needs. They are mostly the same, one has turned more into a paid type of site..

Whereas the other was the same aside from deleting old adverts and mine was one of them. I tried to read what I have written but it was gone.

They want to keep more current ones posted which is understandable. I felt a bit sad though. I mean yes it has been a mixed bag but there were some genuine responses that filtered through also.

This time around I used a different address so I won't clutter my main one with the inevitable spam fest that may or may not follow.

Plus the time wasters that don't read my blurb properly and just want something more romantic..

It is so much easier to place a summary than just wade through the listings hoping someone will reply. It also seems like I am disturbing them, when the post is old.

Maybe there will not be any replies at all, who knows? I definitely want something more gentler and shorter though. Last time it took to much time and it was draining.

That's why I quit. I didn't have time for anything else, it was just too much. Lovely people but mentally exhausting.

That is not appealing anymore. I foolishly left it open, to males and females. Hmmmm.

I posted it tonight so will let you what happens in the future. Anyone want to wish me luck? :D

A quick update. This morning I checked my inbox and I saw about five replies, some were too old, some were lacking details and others were too religious.

I think if I am putting myself out there and writing a detailed note then I expect in the first message to hear something about the person so I can get a sense of them.

I replied to all of the unsuitables one and said they didn't fit my criteria. There is one that has potential but it has been a really rough painful day so I shall reply tomorrow when I am less sore.

If you want to be acknowledged at all, be somewhat vulnerable and give a bit of yourself to the experience. It is not guaranteed to be fruitful but at least you will have a real chance.

#AgonyLife2 - Dear SS how do I make friends?

Hey all, are you enjoying this half chilly half sunny weekend? Are you getting up to much or just kicking back? Enjoying the new series of AgonyLife?

I think it's cute. While I am waiting for a topic of interest on the volunteer side of things.. I can't do anymore relationship or work chats...

Or the ramble chats with no purpose. I mean it is like pulling teeth trying to get someone to open up. Meh..

It's a strange question to ask, me of all people and even crazier for me to try an answer but here goes :)

Starting from the other AgonyLife post where you are discovering who you are and what interests you have, try and make that into a group activity.

Let's build on that. I actually wasn't trying to start a theme but kismit..

1) You could download a friendship app like Bumble

2) Use a chatroom and hope for the best

3) Try gaming or another interest and join a forum or discord, discussing it

4) Take up penpaling around the globe, great way to discover about a new way of life

5) Pick a theme and start a group and advertise it, could be a bookclub or anything you like..

6) Live your life and maybe people will just catchup and navigate towards you striking up a conversation. That's actually what my mama did.

7) Take up an evening class

8) Get active on social media

9) If you're a blogger or have a site, look for those with similar content, follow and engage with them

9) Start volunteering to further your career or to help others, fellow volunteers are a friendly bunch

Mama loves swimming and she went out, joined a gym and made a whole bunch of tight close friends and never had that before.

If she can do that, so can you! If you have any other suggestions, let me know and I'll add it to the list.

#BlogLife151 - Ever experienced a phantom period?

I'm not crazy, promise but occasionally I do get these phantom periods. I have all of the usual pmt symptoms.. Nausea, cramps, irritability and the odd sensation of someone pinching my chest.

It's painful, not sure if anyone else experiences that? Very peculiar and not at all pleasant. I just feel really tired also and my sleep is a bit hit and miss.

I actually feel like I am bleeding but I am not. It's weird I just finished my period and expected all these feelings to be safely tucked away for next time but here they are.

Plus I am still craving sugary and chocolate things. I admit (holds hand up guiltily) that I went on a shopping splurge..

I bought these chocolate viennese biscuits, plantain chips, and Harry Ramsden sticky toffee pudding. Of course these items were all on offer as I never spend a lot on treats.

The pudding reminds me of being back at school, those steamed desserts with the dense strong toppings, it is quite sweet but the quality is outstanding.

I feel like it needs something bitter to offset the sweetness. Any ideas? I can only take a short sample of it but I am glad it is solid and not too soft as I dislike that consistency.

#AgonyLife1 - Dear SS how do I like myself?

Nobody actually wrote me a message like this. I like to fancy myself as a cool Agony Acquaintance.. 

(Don't you dare call me Agony Aunty, refer to the previous post for an explanation).

I even wrote it into one of my books because how cool would that be a blog but also people writing in with issues and I could be like whoa..... I could help this person out..

Anyway back to today's lil musing. Wait just one more thing S has dumped me I think. I heard nothing and didn't see him yesterday and today has been the same.

Looks like he didn't approve of the blog because he disappeared without a goodbye and hasn't been around since. 

Full disclosure, I haven't been around as much as previously either, but still.. I thought he would have been more mature and ended it like a civilised human being...

I could kill him frankly but meh......Next!! He could have emailed an excuse but whatever..

Back to the topic at hand, let me flip it back on you..

1. Do you compare yourself to others?

2. Have you always felt this way?

3. Do you surround yourself with good people. I mean those that would tell you the whole truth because they know you would thank them for it and appreciate their candour?

I don't know you at all so I can only talk about my experiences. I don't recall envying other people until my parents starting pointing fingers and saying....

You know this person is nice and slim, why can't you emulate her and she is very bright, why can't you be the same?

I do remember feeling there was always something wrong with me. I was too introverted and really couldn't fathom how I couldn't make friends even way before when I was just small back in school.

I had this bubbly girl inside of me, waiting to showcase herself but I could not open my mouth at all back then. I waited for someone to see my potential, my uniqueness..

I was overlooked and I think eventually maybe I had a pep talk with myself and just found the courage to branch out and make the effort and when I did, it paid off and I was more able to engage.

I think finding out what makes you tick as an individual is a great start to liking yourself. For me it's music and words. I have always loved them both.

Other people like different things and that's fine. You don't have to copy X, Y or Z. Have fun figuring yourself out and trying new experiences and interests.

#BlogLife150 - Online chatiquette

Ha, who else loves making up random cutesy words? I've always done it.

No bad language in this one I promise. I am not a fan of foul words but honestly sometimes the anger and frustration takes over and I need to release it.

You know the score. I am not suppressing anymore like I have always been ordered too. Those days are over.

The more involved I become on discord/other places and help the newbies finding their feet is the more male pms I am getting.

I am not a fan because the age ranges are wildly ranging from teenagers to older than me so I am not comfortable with male pms from the Looney Tunes World of Mayhem gamers.

Also being called Madam or sister, makes me want to vomit. I know it is supposed to be a term of respect but it just makes me cringe.

Either use my nickname or real name depending on the platform I am using and address me like that. Do not become overly familiar.

Maybe because the word sister is supposed to mean affection or respect but that wasn't the case for me.

Or maybe I like to keep the boundaries in place, I don't know you, you certainly don't me, so keep to yourself and mention my username in the main room and I'll reply with no objection.

As for the term......Madam, I feel like I am in a store as one of the representatives. Madam I object to the price of these bookmarks!!

Nope, those terms will not work for me at all. My various acceptable names..

Discord - MzLooneyTuner/LT if you prefer

Youtube - SS

Twitter - SS/SleeplessScribbler

Unnamed Volunteering gig - Use my real name, it's listed

Facebook - I no longer really use it

Email - Feel free and you can even address me as, Dear blogger...

This Blog - SS or Dear Anonymous..

You see I have given you an abundance of choices, apart from the ones I loathe.

Thanks in advance for listening/reading/treating me properly so I feel comfortable around you :)

#BlogLife149 - Loner by choice or circumstances?

In general life I have spoken to a whole range of individuals, some have been popular and surrounded and others have a smaller circle of people around them.

In some cases though, there are those that don't have anyone or fleeting acquaintances that maybe around occasionally but not really in a dependable manner.

I used to think that it was more normal to be around a lot of friends, even if they were fake and taking me for granted. It was a numbers game.

How many friends do you have? Ten. You? Ummmmmmmm none. Shrugs. I felt like there was a checklist to be normal and having a lot of friends was one of them

I have the randoms, I have people flitting in and out but friends? I don't have any, anymore. You know as strange as this concept is...

I am actually okay with it. I should be horrified right? Embarrassed even? Questioning what is wrong with me?

Hah. I am done with all that. It is exhausting giving and giving and giving and getting barely a tenth of effort back in return. It just doesn't seem worth it.

I have re-thunk the whole attitude and decided it's actually fun to do my own thing. I don't have someone raining on my parade saying ermmm..

I don't want to do that.

I don't want to make the effort. I don't want to meet you halfway. I don't want to give you any of my time. I don't want to go cheap and cheerful.

I want to go where I want and spend a fortune on crap food and an extravagant atmosphere because it is the place to be seen.

I no longer have to deal with the apathetic personalities! A weight has been lifted off my shoulders so I understand how people suck the life out of you and when they aren't around..

I have the biggest smile on my face. Oh the joy, the freedom, the weightlessness of it all is a blessing. Before I was dressing up, walking in heels I couldn't move in and feeling out of place.

I just didn't like these fancy places with the sterile environments and lack of warmth and friendliness. I am a low key type of girl.

I just want great food and genuine bodies around me but that seems too impossible a goal so for now I'm going to keep doing my own strutting thing.

I will breathe in the air, look up at the sun, feel this immense light inside of me and carry on living my life and carving out happiness where I can find it.

#BlogLife148 - If I keep slapping you and say I'm sorry, does it count?

Hey all. How's it going? What's new? Okay back to me. I have noticed an increasing amount of people making continuous errors and hurting others but expecting forgiveness.

So I can't help but wonder, would you let someone off the hook if they kept hurting you but were always apologetic afterwards? Does it make it right?

Is it appeasing you somewhat? Better an act of self reflection than none at all, correct? Or is it helpful for them to actually step out, take a moment and say.....

Wow I'm not going to say I'm sorry because I don't forgive myself, let alone expect you too. I was out of order and forgot myself.

I'm going to take real steps to find out how to fix this and treat you with respect from now on. Then and only then will I possibly earn your forgiveness..

Sounds too good to be true doesn't it? You have let this person damage you and either have not spoken up or have not made any threats for them to change.

But there is always time to stand firm and make your position clear and you can say to me but S, why don't you do the same huh?

You give us this great advice but I don't see you following through with your family? Why is that? Seems like a double standard to me....

I was thinking about this today. I guess I figured out stuff or am ready to share my findings.

The truth is that growing up as I did, where I had no expression, nobody found anything wrong with that. I wasn't ever encouraged to talk more or join in.

My parents and siblings who all bullied me, found a comfort in keeping me silent. Either they weren't aware of it or they were but didn't care.

My siblings verbally harassed me to the point where I feared for my life. I expected to die at their hands or my own. It was just something I had in the back of mind for a very long time.

My parents on the other hand didn't see that their whole negative criticisms of me were so harmful that I sunk lower and lower and lower.

With those two sets of attacks I had/have no recourse because they see nothing wrong with that behaviour and it continues to this day.

I personally see no point in confronting them because it's like talking to a wall of ignorance. Nothing get's through and if for a second it did.

I know the response would be..........

Hmmm, really. Well it happened a long time ago, so time to forgive and forget. Everybody else has moved on and you're the one immature person still holding a grudge.

Get over yourself please because we're are all tired of you blaming us and not taking responsibility for being a good lil victim who she keep her damn mouth shut!!!!

I realise for sure that is what I would hear because I have tried and instead of them holding up their hands and admitting fault, saying you know what...?

Wow, you girl are speaking facts. It was hard for you growing up and I should be more tolerant and treat you better.

I am still held accountable for not letting it go. Bullying is bullying it destroys from the inside out. I don't care it happened a long time ago but still occurs now.

It makes no difference as it still affects how I see myself and that there are times I think of myself as subpar.

I want to know, why I must be the grownup and say, it's acceptable that you treated me like I wasn't worth anything and let's be friends again.

Let us go back to me being deathly afraid that I would die. Let me go back to not expressing myself or disagreeing.

I'll just sit here and panic and wish I were dead laying in the ground instead of watching what I say and do because you control the household and I am a puppet.

F*ck you and f*ck the hell off!!!!

#BlogLife147 - A deeper connection

I'm not sure what makes an interaction more significant. How does it go from a casual conversation to something on a new level?

I don't know how that switch is pulled. I don't recall what me and S used to talk about. I think it was basic chitchat though, nothing that deep or meaningful.

It was still pleasant but it just seemed limited and didn't progress further. I don't think I had any pangs about it, maybe time just got away from us both.

This time around there is a different sort of intensity and I'm not sure how it arrived but the questions got more personal on both sides and we opened up more than usual.

It wasn't just the typical get to know you type of thing, it was the exes and life and other stuff. Nobody demands answers, we just say if you are comfortable letting me know, cool, if not, I understand.

He's already warned me he's busy this week and talking has been a bit scarce but it's still been daily. We both just carve out some time. 

He told me that he sought me out last night but I had gone to bed early. I felt drained and had some cramps and nausea so I just wanted to sleep early.

I think that was the first time in the evening that he's looked for me. I thought it was sweet because we haven't been getting together much so the days aren't as fun.

I also asked about why he was still single because he's pretty easy to talk too and down to earth and he said he's being cautious, which I get.

I told him about my trust issues and the health stuff and said, I'm giving you an out, if you want it but he didn't take me up on it.

Or maybe he did and I'll find out tomorrow I'm blocked, who knows? I can't say I am sweating it because I'm not. I am just taking it slowly and getting to know him hasn't raised any red flags so far...

We'll see what the future holds, if anything but normally when it's supercharged like this, it just burns out quickly. I keep wondering what will be the catalyst?

So far we just seem mellow with each other....

#BlogLife146 - Truth hurts was my motto

I'm actually not sure if it still is my motto. I'm still blunt and direct and will tell you the unkind truth for your long term well being but so many people just want to hear their own version of the truth..

The lies they have told themselves to make being a pushover seem acceptable, when really it is not. I'm glad that at least some people can recoil in horror but then quickly understand where I am coming from.

I'm not misinterpreting the scenario. I am not being mean. I am not exaggerating the facts. I am just telling you the reality and giving you options.

I am not dictating saying do this or that. I am laying it all out for you, what you do next, is your decision and you have to live with the consequences of your actions.

You picked on the wrong girl to ask for advice from. You thought I would be like a warm protective hug? Telling you that everything is fine and that you don't need to grow up and act like an adult.

Plus have a serious talk and assert some boundaries because all that is too scary and you would rather carry on being mistreated for the rest of your days..

Ooops. Big mistake. I am all about the personal growth and your happiness is what I care about. Right now you are in a cocoon of deceit.

This utterly delusional but safe bubble world. No bad thoughts can penetrate and ignorance is bliss. I mean you only have suspicions and zero trust but that's alright..

You just continue being stressed and anxious and wishing you were being treated with respect but not demanding it and see how it works out for you.

It's your life, do as your please. I am saying nobody respects someone who doesn't respect themselves. You will continue to be taken advantage of until you have the gumption to say...

Hey...... Listen up. Your behaviour towards me is unacceptable and offensive. Either you apologise and change your ways or I will leave your sorry ass alone and look for someone a thousand times better!

And if you lack the balls to confront without an ultimatum then good luck expecting any change for the better. Things will continue declining and that person will laugh ten times harder knowing they have you, right where they want you.

That they can get away with murder and you will let them because you have made no effort to teach them the correct way to behave.

You absolutely do deserve better but don't take my word for it. You have to believe in yourself. Feel that you are entitled to careful consideration and genuine affection.

Think about it...... You know I'm right :D

#BlogLife145 - You are wrong!

This is a bit of a toughie one today. It's very personal because I feel unheard so much in my life. I just feel there are a lot of times, where I say something and someone says.....

No incorrect, that is completely untrue and they then go on to explain in depth and prove my point that I understood them perfectly the first time and I was accurate.

I don't have the foggiest idea if it is a simple honest mistake, they made, just a misunderstanding or it is sheer arrogance from them.

I do not take comfort from either of those reasons. I have taken my time to be there and offer you my advice and yet you are content to talk over me and ignore my words???

These useful nuggets of wisdom that I am trying to pass on to you, because you are struggling?? Grr! Why exactly did you seek me out in the first place?

Then you are going to talk down to me and say..... Oh I see. That is what you meant? Oh yea umm you are right after all but umm. 

I didn't think you knew what you were saying and to be frank, I have not found you that helpful because you aren't agreeing with me and telling me what I want to hear.

I mean I was after a specific profound thing but all you have said is... Well okay, I can benefit from the insights but I mean I could have just googled that myself.

And I will continue getting angry and arguing with you due to this feeling of embarrassment. I mean I was clearly misjudging you however I am far too proud to divulge that so instead I will just attack you.

That's what you are here for anyway, to be the object of my violent outbursts. Pardon?

Oh..... Really? Sorry I- Alright I'll let you finish..

You should know a couple of things about me before I cut you off and leave.

1. I am insanely intuitive about people's issues. I can pinpoint causes and offer intellectual solutions that work for each individual.

2. You came to me. I didn't come to you. That means you are the one lost and scrambling for help, not me, so trying shutting your big overused trap and heeding my words more carefully.

3. You can be in any mood that you are feeling but if you think for a moment, I will take your disrespect. Think again genius.

I will call you out and I will point out some very harsh truth hurts facts.

4. Where is my damn apology? You know you are in the wrong and just being insulting for no reason whatsoever. Either humble yourself and wise up or we will have a fierce battle of words.

Guess what? You aren't going to win and worse still, when someone is being vindictive for the sake of it. I don't play nice and I will give you pause for thought so much that it will cut you deeply!

Now get lost I have decent people to deal with!

#BlogLife144 - Compliment me

Do you fish for compliments? Are you being purposely negative and self deprecating to get a boost from someone.. Anyone?

You do realise that whatever they say will soon be meaningless to you right? 

Following the seconds after they utter it. You'll think awww so sweet but then you'll find a way to dismiss it entirely. 

Hmm they were just being kind for the sake of it. I helped them so they just popped out easy platitudes.

Why cant I take them at their word huh brain? Maybe they actually mean what they say? Quit overthinking it.

No you're right brain, I apologise. You weren't mistaken, they were just saying nice words out of obligation.

Big sigh :(

You want to know why you can't tolerate their words? It's because you need to believe in yourself first and foremost before any outside voices can make a meaningful impact. 

Let's start afresh from today, shall we? You and I will do this together.

I can't do this. I don't have it in me. I tried for a bit but it's too complicated and there is so much of it to process. I give up. I quit!

Take a deep breath. In..... Hold for a few seconds and then exhale. Again, a few more times. Alright so you have this big project and it's too much to handle?

There's no need to panic. You can easily get organised and break into down into sections and keep dissecting it until it becomes manageable.

If you keep at it, you'll see how well you are progressing and before you know it, you'll be halfway through and just supremely proud of yourself.

Fine fine fine. I'm starting to see your point but what about this one. I hate my figure. I just feel so aware of myself. Other girls are so slender and have so much going for them. 

Why can't I be skinny and be just as good as them? You tell me why??

Hmm. You're telling me there is nothing you like about your appearance?

That's right zilch. I mean....... Well I guess I do appreciate my hair, it's long and versatile and everyone just tells me how much they love my different hairstyles.

Actually umm.. I like my arms too, they are toned and I work hard on keeping them looking great.

I see so it turns out, there are some likeable characteristics after all. Good job on reminding yourself. Focus on these wonderfully positive attributes.

Treat yourself to hair accessories or new hair products to keep you feeling good. To showcase your arms, some short sleeved or sleeveless tops would work wonderfully well.

Lastly come on. Think about it rationally for a second. You truly believe someone's life is perfect because they are slim??

They have problems and insecurities just like you do. We all struggle. They may have just become experts at concealing theirs.

You are just as great as anyone else. The only thing that separates you from them......Is confidence. They have it and you don't.

However you can build that up over time, by moving forwards and achieving goal after goal. Put your all into it and work hard.

That is how you'll start to believe in yourself and feel oh so gooood :)

#BlogLife143 - Who am I talking to now?

There have been a few randoms that I have gone through. One was a guy that was obsessed with pics, sending me half a dozen, clean atmospheric but there were more pics than words and the voice was alright but not enough to interest me.

I cannot for the life of me, recall his name so no initials haha! D actually came before him or after? Before I think and he was highly intelligent but brash and troubled.

He wanted to meet straight away and had the second best voice I have ever heard. It actually was deep but to even consider something like that I need time and he didn't want to give me that so I never heard from him again.

Which is okay because he was upfront with his needs but the voice was phenomenal!!! Also I had the sense that a few other things would have held demands.

He wasn't after something serious and had a legitimate matchmaker lined up for his marriage needs so that wasn't appealing or flattering.

But that conversation was rare because it was deep and meaningful and he was so open and transparent which is unusual. 

I don't regret that chat at all. Lastly we have S. I know I know, I'm going through the alphabet ha! I think this is our third consecutive day we have been engaging together.

It's highly unusual for me not be bored at this stage. Normally they will be clingy or ask silly questions or go overboard but he is different.

You're wondering about his voice? It's nice, it's posh but it's not deep but the person behind it, is really fun. He's smart, he's confident, he communicates properly.

Also he isn't a pushover. He says things and stands by them and doesn't drop everything for me and I don't either. 

He steps away to take meetings and calls and I focus on writing and the other million things I'm doing. 

We're both able to remain productive. We're not communicating this weekend though.

I'm not even sure what will occur next week. It was left open ended. Either we'll resume naturally or we'll figure it was only meant to a brief fleeting connection.. 

He always make me laugh and he varies the topics of interest. He asks questions but not intrusively or pesteringly. Plus he listens.

He's a very likeable chappy and consistently does what he says he will. He hasn't made any demands and will probably turn out to have a harem of women in his dungeon but meh.

For now he takes up half my day, every day and the banter between us is still oddly flowing effortlessly. Go figure?! I will savour it until it fizzles out.

Oooh he's around today and I am seriously smiling but heavily sidetracked by him... He just let slip that actually we used to be in touch before a while ago but petered out..

He thinks it's meant to be. I think it's a peculiar coincidence. Today he was waiting for me and I busied myself delaying it, thinking he wouldn't be around but he was.