#BlogLife88 - I wish I had a friend like moi...

The title makes me out to be a saint and I am not, you know this but the hard time I am going through is not letting up and it is turning me into a raving basket case.

I have stuff to do but there is no life in me to do anything. I would kill for dessert and a takeout but no joy because I have too many expenses and they continually climb..

I got in not too long ago and everything is just crashing all around me. Walking was tough, I literally kept dropping things every two seconds and I felt my body screaming wanting to swear.

Someone said you could go locally and get a thing for yourself and I thought, are you insane? Do you see how I am holding on to something for dear life?

I can't stand up straight, I can't sit down. I am shuffling forward slowly and you want me to run errands??? It literally killed me to top up my oyster card and get bread.

That was all I could manage. I thought I could get a lip balm and a sandwich but noooooooo. Too crippled in pain and too damn exhausted.

I was sooooo hoping to grab a chocolate cake and a chicken and avocado baguette. You see if it were me and I know one of my friends is struggling....

I wouldn't say....... Is there anything I can do for you? As long as I could afford it, I would get them lunch or a pick-me-up gift. I have done that loads of times!

Not because of obligation or reciprocation, just because I think, why should they be unhappy, if I can do a small gesture to show I care??

I don't want to move. I want to stay resting but because I'm starving I have to once again shuffle around and I have no energy to do anything.

I honestly would like to cry but there is nothing in me. I feel numb and dried up and I just hate everyone and everything.

I will manage and give myself care but ffs today. I just want to be looked after! I want to be pampered and fed and tucked in and not have to do a damn thing.

Or apologise for being in a lousy mood. I'm entitled because unless you are dealing with chronic pain and other ailments. You don't have a clue, what it is like.

Sure you can grin and bear it sometimes but when you are fragile and then further aggravate/strain or pull a muscle further..

How are you supposed to be positive?? It's already torture and now it is just piling on more and you want me to be smiley??

I don't think so! Ugh I have to get up and finish making a sandwich.....

:(

#BlogLife87 - Laugh until it hurts! (Woo nots 2)

I feel like there was another underground secret meeting and the leader said.....

Hey lads we took a survey or more likely read a woman's magazine stating women love a sense of humour.

Next time you are out to impress, hammer her with nonstop jokes and I do mean relentlessly.

Do not under any circumstances be serious and make it the cheesiest unfunny banter in the history of the world.

She will not be able to resist such wit. Putty in your hands. I am telling you, this is gold!! Follow my instructions to the tee!!

The reason I say this is because I am getting these types of conversations more and more frequently.

Yes I do love to crack up and joke and be amused but I need to know there is an ounce of intelligence and that you have the ability to share something, otherwise it looks like you are brain dead with no personality.

The trick is balance. Once in a while, sure be silly or unfunny but do not do it constantly. What is wrong with you? Do you know how tedious that becomes, really quickly?

I am already out the door, running to anyone else. The really funny thing about all of it is that I even give a warning to knock it off and it is ignored always.

Then when I exit gracefully. I get a shocked expression and a plea to remain. Pfft.

Turn into better listeners or pick up on evident social cues!! Then maybe a lady will stick around for longer and actually relish your company!

#BlogLife86 - End of volunteering?

This is officially my last week. It has been two months since I started volunteering and I have just been told I have options to consider.

Either I can continue being a supporter, quit altogether, or become somewhat of a mentor to others who need a friendly ear or further guidance.

I am so confused and there is a lot I have to unpack before I can make a decision.

This role took me way out of my comfort zone. I was in a safe stagnant place before and I feel I was thrust into the deep end unprepared but overall I reckon I have done amazingly well considering..

On the plus side of things...

1) I gained so much confidence and self worth by partially sharing my wisdom and life experience with others.

2) I made friends and realised that this world is now a lil less dark to me and I feel a lil less alone.

3) I have built a lot of people up to the point where they can now cope and move forwards to a brighter capable future.

4) I realised through listening to others constant self negativity. I like myself a lot and am proud of myself.

5) I can handle a lot more pressure than I thought previously.

6) I can say my peace and if disrespected further, just terminate a chat.

7) With everything I have been through in my life, I relate so much that I can make a big difference.

As for the negative side.....

1) I am laughed at times, which triggers my anger and insecurities.

2) I feel obligated to stay in chats that rile me up and disgust me.

3) I feel unsafe and like I am being hunted and forced into a trap of questions and answers.

4) I feel pushed into taking chats that are not my preference as in, the younger demographic.

5) It is emotionally draining having to listen to people in such pain.

6) It eats up a lot of time because I linger at times, when I feel someone just needs to offload and they don't feel better as yet.

People like Dr K. The real mentors, they have a way of looking outwards which is upbeat and unique.

I think it's really admirable to be that caring and dedicated. I am not like that.

I can help others and try and be there but I know I wouldn't give all my time up.

I honestly am not sure I have anything to offer.....?! Any insights that would be eye openers.

This hasn't helped at all. I am still puzzled. I guess I will ask what is expected of me and see if I am willing to meet those requirements.

In the meantime I have to eat breakfast or lunch. It is 2pmish and I've been consumed all day.....

#BlogLife85 - Neighbours from hell Update

Good morning all,

I hope your weekend was better rested than mine was. I did manage to get more sleep than usual but I am under stress from a new source at the moment.

This weekend I received this unpleasant letter from the council asking me to remove non recyclable materials from the green bin.

Else I would receive an £80 fine. I would hold my hand up and step forward embarrassed but guilty if I was the one doing something wrong..

However it is one of my neighbours that has actually been the miscreant. I tried to call up and sort it out but there was no way to do that as the option did not present itself.

Instead I saw an email address and used that to address the complaint and explain my side of the situation, acknowledging the letter and my frustrations.

Who knows how long it will take to get a reply or if they will just say.....

Madam......Remove it yourself!

I'm not going to do that. Who would willingly rummage around  in someone else's garbage? My hands are really delicate at the moment and I'm not going to strain them further.

I am worried about the possible fine though. I have had some big bills and this would just add to the expense.

I am not sure what else to do so I shall wait and see what develops and update this post later.

I guess the worst case scenario is paying the whole fine or even a portion, the best case is that the neighbour owns up and removes it themselves.

Otherwise I can see the fine being split up. As how would they prove who was the guilty party? 

I am pleased to say that the neighbour stepped up and fixed the problem. I didn't get a reply back but the bins were emptied routinely without further fuss.

I am so relieved as this what weighing on my mind. I don't need further headaches as I have expenses and other matters to do deal with..

Actually I was mistaken. The recycle bin has not actually been emptied and noone has owned up, however I heard back from the council and they actually apologised...

For causing me stress. They have acknowledged my innocence and told me that I am in the clear and will not have to pay any fines or be in trouble, in any way at all.

I can exhale now officially now that I know I am off the hook. I really was panicking but that is one less thing to occupy me. Phewwww and woohoooo :D

#BlogLife84 - Wake Up!!

Admittedly I am stressed out and hormonal but I still thought I would be okay taking some conversations but these took the cake..

I can only talk about one as the alternate was in the Supporter category but the other took the biscuit...

He starts off impolite demanding information from me and I am in a generous forgiving mood so I address him and say that is not how you speak to me.

You give a warm greeting like hello, how are you? He apologises and tries again and then he keeps saying little things and when I correct him he uses the same word about me...

You are arrogant. I just assumed he was kidding around. I pointed out that he was the one that sounded cocky because of all the bits of information he shared and then he denied it.

I can be a lil overbearing at times. I can confess to that. Then he out of the blue told me that he saw a man trying on makeup in a store and he shouted at him to cease.

Who the hell has the audacity to do that??? What business is it of yours?? Who made you lord of the universe??

The guy is probably nervous and feeling all sorts of guilt or shame for doing what he finds natural or happy and then a complete stranger makes him feel worse??

The guy I was speaking to, told me I was wrong about him, that he was correct in confronting the man and making him stop and that he got thanked afterwards.

I just kinda wanted to slap him. The victim in question was probably embarrassed and scared. If someone is angry enough to seek you out, what else are you going to say?

Shut the hell up? Sure if you are confidant, you probably would. However if you feel conflicted and that you are a bad person, then you would accept criticism because you feel you deserve it.

Once I realised that he actually was a fully fledged buffoon. I walked away. I realised that, this is another male animal that doesn't like confident women who speak their minds.

He abhors females that will stand up for themselves and challenge opinions like I did. So sorry that you are used to being looked up to by brainless women.

But the rest of us are real and will call you out on your idiocy!! I welcome someone having a different point of view but if in your mind, no-one else's voice carries weight....

Then get out of my sight! It would have helped your case had you been even a tiny bit credible but you kept opening your mouth and garbage was pouring out.

What a waste of a human being and as for the others..

The thing about me is.... I don't talk that much but I listen exceptionally well. People spill and spill and spill their guts and contradict themselves.

I feel guilty because I know they aren't happy at that moment but I just don't feel like talking in circles.

Like me or hate me but I strive to improve your mood. I will ask you tough questions and give you cruel-to-be-kind answers because you need a kick up the butt!

Some people are more fragile than others and I treat them differently of course. Others test my patience.

Hi I am S and I'll support you. Notice I did not say, Hi I am perfect and I have all the answers. I do not!!!

Stop treating me like I am a magician who can fix your life. Only you can do that. Take some responsibility. Grow up and do something about it.

I can listen, I can be there, I can support you and give you ideas about where to start. I cannot waltz into your life and make you whole!

For all those that are not ready to be helped or refuse help, why are you wasting my time??

Contrary to popular belief I have other things to do. I don't see you handing me a big cheque to be there for you endlessly.

My time is precious. You are not my life, my reason for waking up. You are just a mere second of it.

I don't owe you my time but I happily share it, that is why I choose to do it.

I will never let you lie to yourself or me. It is your turn to do the hard work and look internally and see what needs to be focused on.

Isn't that why you are here??? If not, happy wallowing in your unhappiness.

I will be moving on to the next one and making them feel stronger and ready to take on the world and achieve all their goals.

Don't waste your time and convince me you're happy. It is more than obvious to everyone that you are not.

You are only hurting yourself and your time is up!

Ps if you think I am one of those robotic listeners that will just agree with you and accept your reasons for being dickish, then you are in for a rude awakening.

I never do that. I have my own deductions for why you are behaving this way and I will make sure you are accountable.

Just because you think you are flawless and the greatest thing on earth, doesn't make it true!!

Open your eyes, turns out, you are just as mortal as I am!

#BlogLife83 - Let me in S (fiction)

I hear tapping on the door. Let me in S.

I can't. 

Come on, I need to talk to you. 

It's not a good time. I swallow hard waiting for footsteps to leave. 

My hand wants to reach for the handle but it stays glued to my side. 

I'm not leaving!

I gingerly creep forward silently sliding my hand over the peep hole. Please just leave. 

S.. Look, I miss you and I'm not going to let you walk away and destroy what we have. 

I close my eyes, put my hands over my face and slump against the door. 

Remember when we first met? You thought I was so arrogant and sure of myself but you cut me down to size. 

Then saw that I was just an ordinary guy who was smitten trying to find some way of keeping you talking so I could impress you?

I nodded to myself as though you could see my expression.

I know your past hasn't been ideal and you have no reason to trust me but I am here. I have passed your tests. I have stayed true and contrary to what you believe..

I'm not going anywhere and you aren't either. I'll stay here all night if I have too. If that is what it will take to convince you..

I sighed. Straightened up and took a deep breath and then still unsure, I quickly opened the door before I could change my mind.

The sight before me, made me weak. I fell to my knees looking ahead at nothing and nobody.

I had been lying to myself and was almost convinced that.. 

You..

Were..

Authentic!

#BlogLife82 - Revenge (call spoof 3) mature audiences only

Good afternoon madam. I need your limitless, undivided attention today.

I am available. How can I be there for you?

Well my hot chicky apple crumble pie. Now you are talking, aren't you?

Excuse me?

My name is Chris but you can call me lov-

Whoa. Hold your horses. I mean't be there for your emotionally.

Oh my delicious pudding. You can be there for me emotionally, physically, standing, sitt-

I think you have the wrong impression.

No I don't. You all but threw yourself at me. Are you really insatiable?

I will just clarif-

Listen babe. You feel the same strong magnetic attraction as I do. What are your vital statistics? What are you doing after work?

Look Sir. Are you having a hard time?

Sir? Ooooh that is so kinky. Yes yes yes! So hard but I think we should discuss that in person, you never know who is listening...

I really wish you would refrain from profanity and flirting.

Listen dumpling buns. I wasn't flirting I am genuinely in discomfort with this monster......

Ok that is it. I have tried to offer you support but no more. I am reporting you for being inappropriate and mis-using this service.

Wait sugar hips, does this mean you aren't going to call me??? My number is 0-

I disconnect the call abruptly!!!

#BlogLife81 - Today has been weird

I feel very strange today because my messages have been abundant first an old friend got in touch to check in and then Dr K did.

My comfort level is to retreat and not be the one to speak out because mostly when I do, there is silence.

Was it a test to see if I would respond? There has been no reply back so maybe it was.

I have very little time to dwell on it as I have the volunteering and I was having a conversation with Dr K but instead of me being the focus..

I turned it around on him and thought it would be nice to check up and see how he was doing for a change. He does a lot for me and others so I wanted to do it.

When people are upbeat and always positive sometimes it is hard to recognise when deep down they are troubled.

That is the way he comes across, as though he wouldn't burden someone. I figured just by being gentle, he might be alright with it.

I just asked how he was doing? And he answered and said he appreciated it. 

Looking back with my ranting and unease maybe he figured I wouldn't stick with the volunteering and just drop out entirely.

Which I don't blame him for thinking as I contemplated it a few times but ultimately just thought, take a break and see.

Each time I did. I missed being there for someone who had no-one on their side.

I see how the conversations evolve from that person being emotional to having a complete turn around.

I did that, me. I still can't see myself as significant though. I can see others like Dr K as making a difference and enhancing lives.

I just don't ever see myself as someone that impacts others. I dismiss the praise, compliments or gratitude.

I wonder if I will always feel this way??

#BlogLife80 - Dear Bear

Dedicated to Bear,

The great thing about having an anonymous blog and being a fiction creator is that nobody knows if this is real or not. Who says I have to tag it as fiction, it might or may not be... 

My phone is half dead so I've left it on but on the charger listening out for you.

We've already texted and chatted on the phone and it seemed like our longest one yet.

I find myself thinking of you and picking up my phone in case there are missed calls or texts.

I said something silly in my last message. You asked me to explain and I shake my head. 

No, some things cannot be uttered or pieced together. They are better left unsaid, hanging in the air, waiting to float away and be forgotten.

I have breakfast sat next to me but I haven't touched it. A teacake with some cream cheese.

I guess my only appetite is for you these days. You are the first thing on my mind and the last.

I wonder how long we can maintain this... Distraction? You have a life, I have one and do we even fit together?

I'm not thinking deeply. I'm just musing in a round about way. 

It's a lil addictive when you focus on me and we have this strange utopian world where there are no other factors driving us apart.

I can't multi task, I can't think straight. I give myself to you alone.

Each day I wonder if you are happy? If you have everything you need? if your day is going smoothly? 

Whether or not I can do anything to fix or improve it?

I have set up a roadblock inside and don't want to think about what any of this means.

Or the fact that it will all come to a crashing end. I want to protect myself and be a lil less present.

The scary thing is, most of me just wants to stay where you are and be in the moment.

I want to walk with you and move forwards but I don't desire false commitments or promises or feelings.

I just need you to feel just a lil keen to have me around and miss me a tiny bit when I'm not.

The fleeting times we talk and laugh together are magical.

The thing you do unconsciously now it seems, where your voice changes and you wake up and go back to being practical, drives me wild!

I feel like you are straightening your tie, running your hands through your hair and clearing your throat, trying to shake my voice from your mind.

You say you have to go, that you are being called away and I want to pounce on you and protest.

I don't want to share you but I'm also realistic too. I have priorities but then I see another text and my face lights up.

Maybe I should be running from you? Today though and maybe always I just want to dash into your arms and remain there for an obscene time!

~X~X~X~ 

~X-X~

~X~

#BlogLife79 - Uncreative sparks (mature audiences only)

For the past couple of days I haven't felt really imaginative. I don't feel unhappy although the pmt is making me extra sleepy and just when I want to rest more..

I just feel even more awake. That isn't helping and I have had cramps off and on but all that I can deal with. I just wish I felt more ideas flowing through me.

Yesterday was a dud day. I didn't feel like I accomplished much so today I turned it around and achieved a lot more so much so that I forgot to eat.

I am just sliding a pizza in the oven now. Just between you and me I met someone new and he is too entertaining for my liking. Why is that an issue?

The reason is, he and I text practically nonstop and there are even calls when he has priorities and I do too but we just seem to make the time for it.

I don't bump into someone new and think yes, yes, yes. I think let's wait and see who he will turn out to be. I reserve what I can and sprinkle snippets into the conversation.

I see how he reacts and if he takes an interest or delves deeper into it. I told him about the blog and the books and he wanted to peruse them and I declined.

Then time passed and I thought. I feel just fine about it so I offered the links and shrugged. It will always be difficult to offer up a piece of myself.

However despite twinges of unease. I didn't feel pressured or obligated to share it. I realised that throughout our time, he actually asks more personal questions than I do.

Not intruding things. I mean more like get to know you, enquiries. I deferred the ones that I wasn't comfortable with and revealed the rest.

But I am usually the talker. The one trying to unearth someone, even though most of the time I don't get very far. This time I guess he took the lead.

To be honest, I'm not mad about it. I'm kinda thrilled about it because whether or not he is just playing me or collecting information to use against me..

I feel like it is preparing me to be more open in the future. I will eventually find out if his motives are pure in any case. I always do.

So far there has only been one thing disturbing me. Another thing that is unusual is I can tell him stuff without feeling any sort of regret. I've explored my feelings and admitted a fair bit.

It's not really typical of me and the more I do it, the happier and more content and secure I feel. As though it unlocks a part of me that I judged myself for feeling.

I think growing up in a conservative religious family screwed up my head about a lot of things. It was sinful and wrong and not what a good girl does or feels.

There is a whole classic element that if you act a certain way, you get called a certain thing but if you reclaim it and say, you know what, actually that thing I like feeling, doing, saying..

It isn't bad, it isn't unhealthy. It is just something I like. It's normal. Some like this, I like that. I never kinda questioned it this deeply before.

But I suppose through talking to someone non judgemental and who supports and frequently compliments me and makes me feel safe.

I got thinking about all of it. That I shrug things off and forget that I ever said them and deny them later when in fact I knew exactly what I was saying.

Also not having healthy relationships and dating such awful men did not make me feel secure about telling them anything about my own actual desires.

I realised I focused solely on them and my voice once more disappeared and they were happy with that because they didn't care about me, they cared I was female, that was it.

The few men that I did confide in didn't see that I have to choose to be that way. They can't make me bend to their will or have my focus on them entirely.

I have to make the decision to be how I want but when I want too. Not for them and just because I will be acting or saying certain things, does not mean it's a 24-7 deal.

Why does it have to be all or nothing? Why can't I sometimes act in a way that makes me feel fulfilled and then other times just be like my more usual self??

The one thing I know for damn sure is that everything to do with me will be on my own terms, not theirs. It's my life and it is my body!

#BlogLife78 - The wrong approach

I was tempted to call this *I'm a ball buster* but considering the recent post joking about DomLife I thought hmmm. Nope lol.

Recently I got this guy who was full of confidence but confusing. 

It was like he had an invisible script writer prompting him. 

Like he had never spoken to a normal female before. As though he escaped from a desert island and was free at last.

He mumbles a nonsensical weird dialogue introduction. I'm baffled but polite and just say hello. 

Then he repeats and apologises for wasting my time. I'm shrugging and saying take care.

Then he says No I won't because I wanna talk, so I'm thinking I need to kill time, why not. 

Then his whole attitude/demeanour alters. Like he reeled in a fish and I'm supposedly a sure thing. 

He starts puffing out his chest and telling me how's he's a ladies man and women are predictable and how he's not to be trusted.

And in my head I'm already rolling with laughter. But I play along, until he slips up. Again and again and again.

I mean the stockings thing really? Rolls eyes. Plus some other things which had me dying. The whole Vicki Michelle look, so I rolled my eyes and said French maid? 

And he said No! However that actually was her look in the show. The man didn't even know what the hell he was saying.

Then he talked about how if he just met a woman he would insist upon visiting her home and I thought what brain-dead female would let a strange weirdo into their home???

I don't even give out my number, let alone my address. Purleaseeee! Who are these illogical women?

I have to believe he is fabricating because that is the only thing that makes sense. He has no authority, no credibility, no assurance about him.

No woman would do anything he suggested. Everything took ages to say and I started questioning things and wow he snapped!!!

You broke my concentration. I don't know where I am. The man was pouting!!

My sides were split at that point, it was hard holding it in.

Then he said you really know how to anger a man don't you? (He actually swore but I cleaned up the language for you).

I replied Kinda and left lolol. I chuckled so hard it hurt. 

Why when you are talking casually, making yourself out to be God's gift to women, do you need to concentrate so hard on your words?? 

How is it, you can't take a joke? The most off-putting thing is a humourless man. Ugh.. 

I'm constantly being weird and having a laugh. I can admit cringey things. It's fine. 

The world didn't end I survived I got over it. Big deal, but the fact he couldn't do that and said your loss... 

That really gave me a fit of laughter. Boohoo whoa is me. I'm really depressed now lol. 

Has he never met a strong woman before? Lol. Alright I'll stop because I can't chortle anymore. It hurts. 

If you insist on speaking to me and trying to chat me up. At least be yourself while you do it. Don't pretend to be something you're not.

I will unravel you and call you out on it. I have bouts of insecurity but there are times when my conviction in myself is sky high.

I can actually live that attitude because I'm not faking it. There are experiences I have gone through which make me tough and strong and I can say yea I'm a beastess because I know stuff inside out.

Be who you are and accept it. You will get a much warmer reaction!

#BlogLife77 - Being on the other side

I'm sure I mentioned that I have used the Supporter chat as a member to see what it would be like to have someone there for me as a change.

I only used it twice and it was a mixed experience. The first one it was more curiosity to see how it all unfolded and how other people approached it.

It was nice and I felt less nervous and more included as part of the group. I then just stepped up my introduction and was set.

The second one was not so good. I don't quite recall the reason but I was feeling rough, alone, upset and vulnerable.

I said that I wanted to vent out my frustrations and the person agreed and I did but it was as though the person went off to do something else.

There was pure silence, no words of.. Uh huh, I hear you, I'm listening, nothing at the other end so instead of feeling better and comforted, it highlighted to me once more, how alone I am in the world.

I could have done without feeling worse about myself. It put me off to be honest and I broke down, did what I usually do to make myself feel better and retreated from everyone and everything.

I know that there are good people doing this role and that they help but I am not looking to be fixed, just as usual, heard. That's it, that was the only thing I needed.

Just a tiny bit of comfort in my emotionally/physically taxing world that is almost too much to bear at times.

But no matter because I know I am the best person to take care of me as I have been doing it all of my life.

For everything else there is my randoms/acquaintances/dollfaces :D

#BlogLife76 - Alone but not lonely

I've had many people ask me the same question. They always approach me and say I'm so bored living by myself.

"Don't you get lonely at all?"

I always kinda look at them sideways, shrug and say nope. I love being in my own world. There is an immense freedom and safety about it.

I am just constantly working on myself, trying to be imaginative and kookie and find a balance between being productive and de-stressing.

It isn't always easy to do that with noone keeping tabs on me but then at the same time, it makes me step up and say, alright now.

You had fun catching up with a tv show, now it's time to act responsible again.

I'm constantly switching between BlogLife, writing fiction and other priorities so my day is packed.

I don't feel left behind as such. I just feel the strain of supporting/picking myself up.

I do occasionally miss the company of men but only for chit chat sake. I found with friends, family and acquaintances there was indifference but with males..

For that moment I am their sole focus so they tend to pay attention and ask follow up questions. I don't get that with anyone else.

I mean they aren't all perfect listeners but they do listen..

I suppose the only downside to being by myself is that I have had many falls and injuries where I was immobilised and couldn't do anything.

It is kinda scary and those times I guess I wished there was somebody around but typically I just manage the best way I can and make it through.

#BlogLife75 - Finally believing in myself

I guess with all the changes this year I am starting to feel a lot different about myself. I have spoken to people from all alternative walks of life with different issues and ego levels.

I do have confidence but not as much as I thought I had. Through being dedicated with the writing, the books and the Supporter role..

I just feel like before I was saying Yes I can do this outwardly but inside I was saying You really cannot. Face the facts. I needed to challenge myself and my inner perception to rediscover myself.

I can have these interactions and nod and quietly think to myself, been there, felt that but I no longer have those negative emotions plaguing me.

I am not saying I am completely cured and feel marvellous 24-7 because I do not. I am realising that despite not truly thinking I can do anything right or succeed, I still went ahead and tried.

I was so apprehensive about adding another failure on to my dossier that I wanted to back out and almost talked myself out of it but I persisted and followed through and held my breath and then I surprised myself.

I had setbacks and road blocks and half of me wanting to go the easy route and give up again and the other half was saying, listen you have gone so far. 

I am so proud of you for going out of your comfort zone. It wasn't easy at all and the daily ignored boundaries are a nightmare to navigate but you are rocking this, just hang in there, you'll see it will get easier.

I also took the plunge yesterday and added myself to a current UK Blogger list that I saw ages ago but didn't quite have the guts to add myself too.

I just thought it was time now and although it took all day to find an image as my blog doesn't have any to use as a thumbnail. I found something, not quite what I hoped but it was stunning.

Hopefully that will help me get more noticed/followed. I also get some unexpected recognition as one of the top ten supporters for taking on the highest number of chats.

News to me, I thought I was skiving lol but sweet to hear nonetheless :)

#BlogLife74 - The subpar indecent proposal (mature audiences only) Update

Have you ever been minding you own business twiddling your thumbs and then all of a sudden you get this peculiar approach. It starts off relatively normal and the questions come..

Do you like to shop?

Do you like to be in control?

How would you feel about taking over my life?

He says I don't want a relationship or an affair just to be ruled..

I mean I have always wondered how those women got men to do their bidding. I wrote it in my book but the reality weirds me out.

It sounds fun and funny to have gifts turn up and be spoilt but then you have to deal with the murky side.

I have never liked submissive men. Alpha men are too arrogant. I guess I want slightly less alpha and definitely not submissive with a nice deep voice.

The thought of someone calling me mistress, makes me shudder. 

I ask the questions that pop into my brain like..

Can you afford this?

What the hell do you want from me, in exchange??

He says he just wants no physical/emotional attachment just to spoil someone and be taken for granted.

I furrow my forehead in a yea right manner. Then he says, can you call me humiliating names and give me punishments...

After my jaw stopped dropping. I think I just laughed. I started, well never stopped cracking jokes.

I've never been spoiled or treated nicely. This is too bizarre. I would be a gold digging, meanie, dominatrix? Lmao :D

What the hell??!!

Although I do need a new summer wardrobe, a new phone, some new boots, new makeup, accessories... This could work.

What shall I call it DomLife? Bahahaha :D

I wasn't going to add this bit but this is already amusing so why not? He wanted to lavish me via a gift card, as in not dip into his savings but use a surplus and have me pick up my own gifts from a warehouse!!

Purleaseeeee as if I self named Queenie of Sheebie dare sully my hands and tootsies traipsing to an unknown collection point.

That is not how this alphess fempot/barnpot/Queenie behaves. I get things delivered to me by a hopefully hunky/non-hunky/ok-make-him-hunky courier!!

Pffft I have ludicrously extravagant taste. For the next applicant you can trawl through my Amazon wishlist. I put some cute outfits that I wouldn't buy myself because the price tag offends me :D

#BlogLife73 - Samsung downloads

Since I got my Samsung A41, I have been having increasing issues trying to figure out where the hell my downloads are located.

I don't have error messages, the download completes and I can see it. Apparently it stores away on my memory card which has ample space.

But when I use the *My files* they are nowhere to be found, not on the memory card or the phone. Android claims it gives system updates that improve the experience.

However a lot of times it seems worse. I miss the easy function of saving/not saving to the memory card without it being permanent.

I switch handsets so much I do not want anything permanent as in two years I will have another mobile. Actually I just checked my contract and now I know I can get early upgrades..

Maybe October next year I can get another Samsung with a much better battery. I have to charge it 2/3 times a day with the games and other usage which is very annoying.

Plus the whole, people can't hear me issue, unless I turn the loudspeaker on at all times.

Anyway I always use a separate browser that blocks advertisements and pop ups. Free Ad Blocker is the one I am using as well as the default Samsung browser.

I realised I was using the Ad Blocker for all the downloads and they were coming up missing. I thought I would experiment and I switched to the Samsung Internet and my downloads showed up in the correct folder immediately.

I could see it visible and it played without further issues. I think from now on I will just use the regular browser and not have the trouble of moving/copying it manually to the correct folder. Grr.

I have just gotten the Android 11 update on Saturday morning I think it was. I don't really see any difference apart from the look and dimmer options which are not low enough.

The battery life is still poor and it is messing with my own dimmer app but aside from that, no real changes that I can tell.

#BlogLife72 - I'm here for you S (fiction)

I look at you and then avert my eyes away. How was my day? It was alright but drained the life out of me. 

It wasn't anything I couldn't handle but somehow it just bothered me because the issues annoyed me and I couldn't make the difference in swallowing my irritation.

I know I'm not there to say pretty little phrases and be agreeable but straight talking with brick walls was no picnic. I challenged opinions and it did not go down well.

I got my first bad reviews. I don't really think that affects me because although I should have been more tactful. I asked probing questions and was not a yes person or an agree-because-you-clearly-need-me-too.

I take your hand and lay out on your chest on the sofa and you hold me tight automatically without me asking you.

I guess it wasn't even bad, technically it was average but meh. The funny thing was the same people, almost immediately requested me again.

Hah, fat chance. Even if I wasn't already in a chat, I still wouldn't have taken it. I think because I am older, immaturity annoys me.

I want to shake some of them and say act your age. This isn't a hand holding session. I'm not a robot. I'm not here to dictate a short term fix. 

I'm saying open your bloody eyes and stop burying your head in the sand because it's going to get so much worse. (One bites one's tongue and doesn't actually say that).

I don't tolerate your wallowing/whiny attitude because it isn't assisting you to recover and move on. I have no patience with you if you refuse to continue imploding your life.

If you try and make the effort, then I can certainly show you a better way to cope and healthier tools to make your transition smoother.

But I will not pander to your unrealistic dreams. How would me lying to you help you grow up? I offer you an alternative perspective, what you choose to do with it, is your decision.

I trace my hands around your chest, making small circles and peek up at you to see if you are still alive.

I melt when I see your face grin at me, especially as you waggle your eyebrows suggestively. It never fails to crack me up.

But this is not a seduction, this is a rant session. I lay my head back down on your smooth chest and tell you that, there isn't any other place I would want to be.

I guess I feel exceptionally cruel as sometimes I have to assert these boundaries for the good of the people so they don't become reliant on me or anyone just constantly building up their confidence.

Life isn't like that, there are mean people in the world and you have to toughen up to survive.

I won't always be around..

I feel you stroke my hair and say the words I need..

I am here for you and always will be.

You don't have to be obligated to those that you don't mesh with. You can pass them on. It doesn't matter if they have to explain it all to someone new.

Let someone else take the burden away.

Lastly can you stop dribbling/drooling on my top please because you are sleeping in it tonight and I'm not holding a wet tshirt contest.....Or am I?

I roll my eyes and hit you with a cushion, you're such a perv- mwah but a great kisser Monsier...

X

#BlogLife71 - Off the wagon and on J

I don't know what it was, he appeared and then I blinked and said No no no no but by then it was too late. I was drawn to him.

I promised myself I would stay away. However I haven't found anyone that I have felt comfortable with and tonight I wanted something familiar and cosy.

I confronted him again but as I did and he did answer. He made more of an effort. I saw that we both had entirely different interpretations of the whole saga.

He thinks he was more open and responsive to my queries, some of them and I don't think he was. He confessed that some things were topics he steered away from.

He said I know you talk to other men and that's fine as long as I'm your favourite. That just made me smile.

As for the phone calls which I couldn't help but grill him about. He said that he didn't feel they were a good idea because we tended to be very friendly.

I asked him if he avoided contact because he figured I was going to get clingy or fall for him and he said he wasn't that arrogant.

He just didn't want to impose on my life. Is he timid or is he just afraid to be a burden? (To be honest the whole love thing, made heaps more sense to me). Not that I have feelings, not those feelings.

I have a fondness for him. It's a connection I have never had before. I can't seem to shake it. Maybe it is because I have pushed him away a lot..

And yet he still comes back. There are disagreements but he's never said anything unkind. Unlike the rest. As for the private things I've told him..

I don't even know if it was him I told. He doesn't recall either. I asked him if he would swap emails but he said he prefers talking..

I'm confused and then there is someone else who wanted a piece of me, but not in a creepy way in a genuine way. J number two.

Baha :D All I know is that I miss talking to him and it's crazy fun and laughter. It always is magnetic. I asked him if were friends and he said Yes that he hoped we were reconnecting.

That whenever he sees me he feels good. He said there was no reason for us to stop hanging out but I am in two minds. What do I do if I see him again??

I had a full on blush when he stated I could make the weather sound sexy. I need sleep....... Heaven help me I don't regret being with him tonight!

After eventually falling asleep. Some of his words rang out in my head, something he had never told me before. That on one of our long, talk half the night chats..

He had been so eager to talk to me that he was clock watching and it was only 5am. I had told him that I might be awake from 9am.

I said he should have just dialled my number but he replied that he didn't want to take the risk and disturb me. I am beginning to think he has put me on a pedestal..

I am not even sure I slept that night. I was phone watching. I think I am considering the possibility that he has purposely blocked out the personal things I've told him about my hardships each time..

As I don't think he wants to remember me in my reality. That when I'm with him, I can be carefree but without him. It's nonstop stress and pain.

Plus I now recall the mixed signal speech I made about how I was sick of clingy men and that I normally get rid off them fairly routinely.

Maybe by being mysterious he figures he ups the odds of not being let go? Although that backfired now, didn't it J?? Perhaps I'll ask him his preferred subjects of chat or maybe I'll just ghost him....

I still haven't made up my mind.

#BlogLife70 - You really think you have what it takes? Update

I am getting a lil sick and tired of people thinking that anyone can be a supporter and it is easy breezy work. Newsflash it isn't. 

You have to be patient, sympathetic, understanding and empathetic all at once. You have to curb your instincts to give advice or shout. 

You have to possess an extremely high tolerance for the repeat offenders who range from saying very little to those that drain the life out of you.

Then you have to deal with people that attack you, insult you, take you for fools and those that goad you because they just know they can get away with it, time and time again.

You also have to deal with people that need you to say the right thing, for them to open up and be comfortable. Now that time has passed and I have gone from doubting myself to consistently being really good.

I can say that I have a natural affinity for this work. I've been doing it all my life, so it doesn't feel like a job. It's natural. I have one second of.....

"What the hell do I say?"

And then everything clicks into place and my brain can just relay the almost perfect thing that person needs to hear. I don't have a 100% success rate but I am pretty close.

Someone I know heard about what I do and thinks it is the perfect role for them. Pffft. Seriously? I mean do you have rocks in your head?

Did someone hit you with a sledgehammer repeatedly? You have no tolerance for people at all. You are without patience or kindness.

You don't possess any feeling whatsoever. Your life revolves around your needs, not the desires of others. Yet you think, you can do what I do???

Hah!!! That is a joke! How would you deal with someone telling you..

"Go to hell."

"You can't help me, you can't even help yourself."

"I don't like you. I prefer anyone on earth rather than you!"

"Do the world a favour and shut your trap."

You wouldn't!!! You would snap in five seconds and verbally/physically want to assault them. You would take it extremely personally and see it as a character assassination because you deem yourself to be perfect.

Why else would you never improve or reflect back on past transgressions and not fix or vow to do better?

Again to clarify, noone has said any of the above to me but I have had confrontations and dealt with them accordingly and I am someone that doesn't like being backed into a corner. 

I guess my point is think twice before embarking on this type of role if you cannot even be respectful to those around you. You have no business even contemplating a vocation like this.

There is a reason this position has so much turn around. People leave almost immediately or sometime later because of the stress and also the technical difficulties.

Some make the critical mistakes of thinking they are there to be everyone's best friend and fixer. Nope. That isn't the job description.

The worse thing you can do is let someone in need become dependant on you. How would that help them in the long run? They need to find a way to build up their self worth without you.

Also if you are not willing to give any of yourself up to relate to someone feeling misunderstood, then do not apply. It is impossible to not share a lil of your own experiences.

I'm closed off but I have done it and do not regret it because in that moment, people have that ah-ha clarity and you see them smile and their world turns around because they see a whole new perspective.

Support, support and more support. A good day is when someone says their mood is improved. A bad day is when someone says.... This isn't working...

#BlogLife69 - The lost art of conversation

When did fun become a dirty word? Sure I would love to hang out and we can have fun together.

My thoughts... We'll laugh, do an interesting activity. Maybe grab a bite to eat, go for a walk, swap stories...

His thoughts... Sex sex sex. How soon can I get her nude? It's probably going to happen in the car because she said the magic word "fun."

I am a fun loving person, how about you? Entertain me if you think you can.

My thoughts.... I wonder if there will be any lighthearted confessions or wackiness.

His thoughts... This is it. The moment where anything she says I will turn around and make it about sex. I am so going to send her some naked photos. She is going to die......

Am I up for a fun phone chat? Of course, that is way better than texting.

My thoughts.. This will be great, we will just laugh and smile, being really goofy and sharing embarrassing tales.

His thoughts... Wow I can't believe she agreed. Phone sex is on the table. First I'll ask what she is wearing and then I'll tell her I'm in a towel and then............

What do you do for fun?

My thoughts... He'll tell me about his interests and hobbies. I wonder if he is a nerd?

His thoughts... Whoa already? She means sex. I love sex and could talk about it all day and night.

I think I have my point fairly clear. I miss the innocence of conversations where it was getting to know someone outside of the boudoir.

Perhaps I am still too old fashioned but that used to be the most fascinating part of meeting someone new. Their life story. 

Finding out what made them tick. What their dreams were? Now it is......

What do you look like?

How soon can you send me naked photos?

How soon can I send you naked photos?

When can we have phone sex?

What are you wearing?

Can I come to yours for a hook up?

*Rolls eyes* I want no part of you!

#BlogLife68 - How honest are you?

It is currently pouring down with rain in the UK and I am on the look out for a delivery. I've just washed my hair and looking at it, I never thought I would embrace a short hairstyle.

Somehow prior to this when I was forced to get it drastically trimmed, it just never looked right. I had this bit in my head thinking..

I can't pull this off. I don't have a slim face. Since then though I have seen hundreds of women looking stunning donning short do's.

The fact that I cut it myself helps immensely. I know that I have options and can wear it straight, wavy, up or down. Although I will always clip it up in some fashion.

My hair feels playable. I can mess around with it and not feel depressed it is coming out in chunks or that it has no bounce to it.

I finally heard back from the seller and I am not sure whether to believe them or not. They claimed not to have received my messages.

The tracker has now been updated to *despatched* and I am wondering if they are fibbing about the whole thing. I wonder why someone would risk their reputation like that?

I rarely leave negative feedback now, I just abstain from it completely. On my blog I am a lot more candid. I will see if it shows up and if I get sent a tracking number.

The Biore face wash is being sent and they gave me a tracking number. Which sounds good but it is for Amazon, not Ebay. I have never had that before.

How on earth does one track an order, outside of Amazon? I already tried a universal tracking place and it said it cannot do it.

Maybe they will all just show up within the normal postal route. Which is usually lunchtime. At least I can add them both to the review page, assuming they actually get delivered.

Lol and just like that I got a knock on the door and no sign of the courier but a parcel was left. It was my Biore face wash. Bahaha :D

That took just two days to arrive. It smells wonderful. I am a lil nervous but wish me luck. Woohoo my face hasn't fallen off, melted, burned or scabbed up.

I am totally safe :) I have already added it to my review page.

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2021/05/bloglife60-do-these-make-me-look.html

#BlogLife67 - Goodbye Hercai/Ramo from my blog!

Whenever I am on my period I always feel melancholy. I have been feeling strange and I have been contemplating something for a very long time and today I made changes.

Once again I have modified the theme as I just loved the idea of it, the name is called *masquerade* and that is how I constantly feel.

It suits me. I just wish I could have find something more representative of who I am as a caramel skinned angry fem. At least I did not have to do any upgrades, it displays fine.

Plus it is all one glorious colour so to me it no longer appears like a mobile version of a squished blog. My favourite theme has been the white background with the female without clothes but only showing her back.

I just couldn't work out how to fit in nicely. Anyway I will just keep searching endlessly so that I can find my ideal. Now as you will notice I have removed all the Ramo/Hercai commentaries.

They were fun to write and it was a distraction from all the gritty emotional blogs that I had composed. However it was fluff.

Meaningless words that I don't want on my blog. It just distracts from everything that I am trying to build here. I want to express who I am and explore my creative writing.

The shows have ended for good now and it just seems like the perfect opportunity to delete them and I have to say, it was immensely satisfying doing it.

I have been dying to get rid of them for ages but I felt guilty as you readers loved them but all good things must be killed off. 

There are tweets on my twitter, knock yourselves out and enjoy those as a compromise.

I just didn't want my blog known for it's commentaries. There is so much more to me, than that.

I also just found the *Ramo* song that they were all dancing too. This really should have been the theme tune. I think this is the right one, it stuck in my head and I was searching for it but no luck until now..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJD3bbzXJN8&list=FLI0DEk_aDykRP0sJnme-JBg&index=2

#BlogLife66 - How do accolades make you truly feel?

I mean I am sure I have gotten them before but today somehow it was different, as though it was the first time someone stood up and acknowledged me.

They said something along the lines of.... 

"You do realise what good work you are doing right?"

I don't know why that struck me so hard. I half smiled and half thought huh so that is what is bugging me. Most of the time I don't feel appreciated.

I hear the words Thank you but it is as though it is being said automatically without the sentiment behind it.

I am not referring to the people I am supporting or the organisation that hired me, they are sincerely grateful and I take that on board.

I am referring to friends/family who expect me to drop everything when I'm occupied. My time and energy is redirected elsewhere and yet I stop and assist them.

I did have good friends and people that were there but I still never felt really heard. It was although a timer was counting down.

"Come on, come on.. 

I can only spare a few seconds.. 

Sorry what did you say? 

I didn't get that. 

I'm kinda busy with...

Sorry I have to dash......."

My favourite line was always.... "I promise, we'll catch up soon." It never did quite arrive and I can only chase a friendship for so long before I wonder what the hell am I trying to keep it alive for?

It's clearly dead. I am not sure if I will do it but I am thinking of taking a blog break. Maybe a week of no writing. I don't know if I will still post BookLife. 

I have posts saved and written but I am just not in the mood to be here. I feel dissatisfied once again. I could start again. Delete this blog and reinvent myself.

Delete the Facebook and Twitter profiles I set up also. Completely disappear. That is quite tempting. I am not looking for pity or attention.

I am just airing my thoughts and there is a lot of unrest in my head.

Goodbye for now.

SS

**1/6 Update**

I thought I would just take time out and take a breath, do some beauty treatments and have time for myself without worrying about the books or the blog.

Also entertaining you lot. I'm still fond of you but having this moment to myself was exhilarating. I didn't realise how stressed and agitated I had become.

I definitely needed this and there is a whole load of posts waiting to be published that you will receive each day. 

I hope you've been well and enjoying some fabulous sunshine and warmth or out discovering new blogs or reading some of my old posts, you've never noticed before..

I can't find a template that represents me, all of me. I have settled on this one for now as it uses non caucasian models and uses a musical/dancing theme.

Plus the purple colour is cute and everything lays out without me having to tinker with it. I suppose I want an angry/vulnerable woman, not girl.

Non white, that loves music and being creative, with splashes of bright colours, who isn't a party animal but is more of a solo artist.

Now is that too much to ask?? :D Evidently it is!

Thank you to those that were curious and checked out Faithless Pursuit. I appreciate it but the reads tapered off so I won't be publishing anymore.

It's still on Wattpad so if you want to continue on, there is where you will find it. As for the complete removal of the commentaries you'll have to check out the next blog, or the one after that, to discover why.....