#BlogLife478 - Faux Thursday 2 - Words can hurt!

Sorry about not posting yesterday but even though the fourth period is finished. I'm still suffering through all day pmt.

Cramps, nausea, chilled to the bone and uncomfortable bloating. It's hard to collect my thoughts and make sense of it when I'm sooo distracted by it all.

I was up early to unpack the shopping and now the weekend can be full of lay ins as it should be.

I just snacked on some monkey nuts. Those and cashews are probably my favourites but these are more affordable for a sweet tooth fix.

I do feel bad about not publishing something but there are certain times when I need to go with my mood and just take it easy.

I thought eventually I would pull something together but I felt wretched, although a long nap did help.

I'm loving the new show, The Night Agent, although lots of cursing and violence but the leads are great and there is humour added.

I did just watch, I'm not sure if it's the finale of Call Me Kat and I was happy with the ending.

I'm not going to spoil it, in case you haven't seen it but I will say it spoke to me.

When someone screams at you for whatever reason and doesn't let you explain or hear your side and then ups and leaves..

It's a bad situation. I know when tempers flare, it's hard to be rational and say, okay, I had my outburst, now say something or defend yourself...

But it's not something excusable either as that person left behind is totally unheard and angry.

Why is one person's emotions greater than the other?? It makes me think about my childhood/acquaintanceships/friendships when Sorry was uttered all too frequently.

Does that cancel it out? Is everything hunky dory? Am I supposed to forgive and forget because you apologised?

NO! Is the answer. I can appreciate the fact that it isn't easy to take responsibility and face the potential wrath of whoever you upset.

But just apologising for your behaviour doesn't make it alright. You have to pay penance and suffer for your thoughtlessness and strive to be better next time.

If not, your words are meaningless. I had a lot of empty half hearted admissions of guilt from people trying to make amends and it's kinda sickening that I wanted to forgive them and make peace.

I wanted to forget the awful behaviour because I hate confrontations and stress and worrying about more explosions of anger.

So I let a lot of people off the hook, that should have been accountable, out of fear and not feeling comfortable enough to explore my frustrations and what was running through my mind.

I kept hearing my Mama's voice pressuring me to put it all behind me and smooth things over and that didn't make me feel better but I did it because I wanted to be a good person who does the right thing.

I didn't need to be liked but I did need to try my best in all situations and try to get along with people because I struggled so badly to even let them in, to begin with.

And now that they were, I had a responsibility to maintain the relationship, the civility.

The thing with this positive attitude is that people creep in, take advantage and treat you like a fool.

A lot of people just thought they could treat me any which way and I would keep coming back for more.

With family, I let most of it slide because I didn't feel I had a choice. 

I was socialising with them and they acted normal as though they were innocent so I guess I treated them fairly as though they were.

In certain situations I didn't feel strong enough to stand up for myself and say, I'm not happy about this and until you make it right, I can't be around you.

I kept going back and forth in my head, am I overreacting? Am I taking this too far? Should I laugh their cruelty off?

It felt like I was being told what to think and how to act and I know that because my brain was split, it started cracking and the confidence was building and the rebellion began to emerge.

My voice had been trying to break free, from being smothered in silence and it was just held down, until I moved out.

It did a lot of damage and even now, she tries to manipulate, guilt or influence me but I refuse to let that take over my expression.

She doesn't like it and she certainly does not grasp the reason behind my stubbornness or that she had anything to do with it.

I guess to heal, I should let it out, my side of things....

You've apologised and think that is all it takes??

You assume I will just accept it and move on and that you won't have to self-reflect on your actions and words??

I'm stronger and smarter than you give me credit for. I know that you laugh behind my back and make lil jibes that you don't think I understand but I see/hear all of it.

The sad about you is, you put on a circus act, you're constantly performing and making sure everybody loves you...

But the thing is.. Because you're not being true to yourself, I see the fakery.

I see the insecurities, I see the nervousness of being potentially found out as a fraud!

I see your struggles, I see the lack of confidence and I see the false bravado.

I see all of it as unlike you, I am trying to be as transparent as possible.

I'm the opposite of you because I'm deeply flawed but I can admit it.

I'm not scared about being imperfect, I celebrate it. You on the other hand are self loathing and affix that to me because there must be lil inklings of jealousy.

That I get to me and be natural and you have to do everything you can so that your charade doesn't get discovered by the world!

You trash and destroy my confidence, whenever you can. It can be a backhanded compliment, a derisive look, a chuckle at my expense...

Whatever it is and your reasons behind it, I no longer care because I have not sunk to your level, where I am being intolerable to be around.

I am not judging you and making snide comments. I'm just telling the truth.

I don't like you. I don't feel anything for you. I don't want to be around you or hear about how you are.

In all honesty........ You completely butchered any relationship we previously had.

You're meaningless and I'm relieved you're out of my life for good because even to this day, you don't acknowledge what an awful spiteful and hateful person you are and were.

That's why I can't forgive you because you don't think you have made any mistakes or have ever been derogatory but you have and continue on and I feel sorry that you can't see that.

It's immensely satisfying to look back and fix any wrong doings and change for the better.

I feel love and weightlessness. 

You'll never know what that feels like :)

#BlogLife477 - Ode to Whispered Distraction/Corey

This is dedicated to Whispered Distraction/Corey who had a Youtube channel and emptied it out.

He was kind enough to warn us that he was taking a break and I don't know if Corey is his real name so I don't tend to use it.

This was three months ago and because he removed all of his videos. I personally don't think he is going to return.

Admitting you need a timeout has to be a lil easier than saying goodbye forever or I'm starting over afresh with an audience that doesn't know me.

And which of whom I won't feel vulnerable around because they don't have any inkling of what I go through..

Youtube channels come and go and most I couldn't care less about but his was my favourite and I didn't realise it, until he disappeared.

To obliterate all your work must have been a decision he wrestled with because I have seen a lot of dead channels who keep their videos up, they just don't upload anymore.

I've mentioned this before that I've been tempted to do the same and I know it's not fair to the audience/the readers/the fans that have supported and been there through the journey...

But sometimes it's healthier to step back and do what is best for yourself as a creator of content.

I certainly don't blame him for stepping away. I do genuinely miss his uploads and friendly demeanor.

We would have mini chats in the comment section and he always managed to make me laugh or smile and I think I did the same because under his farewell message, he only hearted my comment.

Some times you want to talk but at the same time, you don't. You want people around and then again, want to be alone.

It probably sounds confusing and I'm sorry about that but reserved people such as myself have a hard time sharing and opening up.

At the moment, I'm going through something and I'm not even sure I want to divulge it at all.

My brain just has to sit with it and process it and maybe afterwards, then again maybe never.....

I guess I'm saying appreciate the people around you because you never know when they will up and leave.

If I do ever decide to delete this blog, I hope I'm as courageous as he was and able to write a farewell message before I leave.

I'm not planning to do that but sometimes I feel overwhelmed. The writing never stops and I feel empty and as though I would be easily forgotten.

We would all like to be impactful and make a lasting impression.

The tiredness isn't just physical, it's emotional too. I feel other bloggers can connect more with people and that's why they have a cult following which is great for them.

I grew up struggling to find myself, to communicate and that has left a lasting result because there are so many barriers I've put up, it's near impossible to let go and be completely open.

I'm in retreat mode at the moment and trying to heal myself. I'm not sure how long it's going to last but I'm kinda of enjoying the solitude of not explaining myself and just able to be..

Not judged, not explaining myself, not fed up with being misunderstood, just quiet and contemplative.

I just realised it's the lack of support also. When you have to bear the brunt of whatever disaster is coming or that you're dealing with alone, it's excruciating.

There's no air, there's no comfort, there is no-one reassuring you that it's going to improve.

It's just this heavy suffocating storm cloud above you that is looming closer and closer and there is no way to combat it or lessen it, until it engulfs you completely.

I am left drowning with no-one to throw a life jacket out to me, that's what stress and depression is to me.

It takes over my life and saps all the energy away.

#BlogLife476 - Why does Dic trigger me?

I decided last night while it was dark and I put away the mirror to trim my hair again, the ends just felt long and Spring is upon us, so why not do a haphazard job?

It always feels uneven, no matter what I do. (Ugh cramps are back). I feel quite sicky today but that's probably because it's nearly 4pm and I haven't eaten.

I opted for more sleep, than to get up and cook breakfast, of which I probably would not have had an appetite that early anyway.

Actually I think I did a good job with the hair, when it was wet, it looked all spikey, I've never really had that before and now it's dry, it looks like short layered floppy, volumed hairdo.

It's just a bit too short for curlers now but I can get away with it, just loose and hair tousled and it looked styled.

I just looked at my calendar and there has been 3 periods this month, mostly lasting half a day to 2 days.

Why can't the pmt be that short? Over the weekend, it wasn't even that cold but my body temperature dropped significantly and I had to wrap the blankie around me on maximum heat for half the day until I was warm again.

While I was waiting for Dic and trying to distract myself from the pain creeping up, sitting down is like, someone is pulling my thighs apart, it's a burning sensation.

Anyway I think I was waiting about 10-15mins and he apologised and I just nodded because it's always half hearted.

It struck me that when I was in all those Consultant/Specialist/GP chairs and I was explaining my symptoms, it was always met with these blank expressions.

I always felt I was a nuisance and because I grew up that way, being ridiculed and told that my opinion doesn't matter, it's doubly worse, when you take that onboard that, my health concerns are not important.

There is this back and forth row in my head, am I making this up? Should I not waste their time and suffer in silence?

Are other people more deserving of treatment?? And empathy?? Am I not entitled to compassion and understanding?

When I used to say to Dic, I'm not feeling well and he would just look at me blankly and say Oh but with no heart behind it, it transports me back to seeking treatment.

Now whenever he asks me, I just mutter I'm okay because there's no point expressing myself to someone that doesn't give a damn.

I'm not expecting him to fall to his knees and say Good grief, stop the presses, let me look after you.

But damn just say something like, that's not good or would it kill him to be nice?

Anyway I got side tracked again as Mama is back and she called, well I missed her call and returned it.

She came back yesterday and was resting up and she bought me back sugar cakes.

That's what we call them, it's coconut cakes with.. I'm not sure if it's sugar cane ingredients but it's quite sweet and delicious.

I'm not big on coconut overall but in certain things it blends really well.

I'm excited for that and I can finally give her the belated Mama's Day goodies, the perfumes etc, the last of which should be arriving this week.

Plus I'm dying to get the laptop charger and see if it works. I have to jiggle this one and hear it crackling which unnerves me.

Hopefully next week, eyebrow shape and pedicures, long awaited beauty treatments.

I just don't feel up to going and it has to be in the morning as more chance I will get a seat on the bus and there will be less congestion.

Apologies again for the lateness of posting this but once again I had a fourth period last night yeesh.

I was so uncomfortable that I couldn't sleep, maybe eventually I got a few measly hours and then woke up groggy, napped and waited for my thoughts to collect so I could write something.

I hope you are all well and I can't wait for these multivitamins to be over so I can go back to having maybe 1 period a month, yeesh!!!!

#BlogLife475 - First KFC in decades,...

Song of the day - Iris - Goo Goo Dolls

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dy_eP-mqWow&list=PL_S79tzxwHpOjlynfkGbkx-UC99ltSAXW&index=15

I've been craving fried chicken since last year but I normally order for 2 days because it works out cheaper with the minimum spend to get a discount and with chicken, what choices of accompaniments do you have?

I take advantage of the 15/20% off deal but fries and chicken. I didn't want to order excess of that, until I checked the menu and saw that KFC had this ricebox thingy.

Plus wraps and I thought aha, as I haven't ordered in decades let's check it out.

The ricebox looks small to medium and there is a tiny portion of seasoned rice, it's supposed to be spicy but it isn't and I'm relieved.

It's tasty mixed with sweetcorn (yuck), lettuce (ick), tomato/bean salsa, (not a fan) and the chicken fillet is a good size and that's seasoned well and tasty with a tiny pepper kick.

I'm not keen on the sauce, buttermilk, I would prefer regular mayonnaise or just to have it left sauceless.

The fried chicken wasn't that salty and was cooked perfectly and it was good sized thighs.

I did make a boo boo, thinking that the mini burgers were included but it was the regular fillets which I've never tried.

They are a bit saltier, could do with less but soft and yummy. The wings I hate, they have truly gone down in quality.

They used to be cooked well, not over battered, soft and with plenty of flavour, these are bland and tough. I do not recommend them.

The fries were all over the place, literally spilled into the bag. Some were fine, others undercooked but again under-salted or had no salt, woop woop, so the ones that were cooked properly were delicious.

The wraps I haven't sampled but famous named places, rely on their brand too much and end up cutting corners and messing with recipes to save money.

That's why predominantly I've visited more off-brands because they care about their customers more and want to get it right each time, not just make a profit.

KFC is just overpriced and for that money, I expect a way better experience.

I would rather just give my money to local places that have a higher professional level and cost way less.

The bbq mini fillet wrap, which wasn't that smaller than the regular, had too much sauce.

It overpowered the wrap and it wasn't flavourful. It's not something I would get again.

I just tasted the slight sweetness of the sauce and that is it, nothing else comes through.

The twister wrap was much better, that I would get again, nice crunchy coleslaw, seasoned chicken and toasted wrap but only lightly unfortunately.

The original prices I'll list for your entertainment because compared to overseas, it is ridiculous.

The ricebox is £6 or £6.50 with a drink.

The bbq mini wrap is £2.50 (that's actually acceptable).

4 wings are £4

2 pieces of chicken are priced at £4.20 and the above is without fries or a drink, yeesh!!

The mini fillets (strips), I think they are called abroad are £2.19 each.

(1 chicken burger, that I didn't purchase is £6)!!

That is complete insanity. The only things I would re-purchase is the chicken, the twister wrap and maybe the fillets but that's it.

If I went to another place, it would invariably be ten times cheaper and a better standard of food.

It was a fun detour though and I got my fried chicken fix.

#BlogLife474 - Do you think it's easy being debilitated?

Song of the day - Nickelback - Lullaby

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjkJ6GZh-pY&list=PL_S79tzxwHpOjlynfkGbkx-UC99ltSAXW&index=1

Song of the day - Shawn Mullins - Lullaby

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSPjTAFn-l0&list=PL_S79tzxwHpOjlynfkGbkx-UC99ltSAXW&index=8

Sorry about the delay, I was all set to edit and publish but a wave of cramps and lethargy washed over me and knocked me out and I had to rest.

Sometimes I hate my creative brain, I was trying to switch off and these deep and meaningfuls kept chattering in my head.

My mind was raring to write but my body was gone, too much tiredness and discomfort.

The reason I have put up these two different songs is due to my state of mind, when I first and subsequently listen to them, it's like stepping away from the mental breakdowns and depression I was going through.

Like a musical someone was saying, hang in there, it's going to be okay, persevere and come out of the other side.

Yesterday I was talking to an acquaintance and she's normally really cool but there is something she keeps bringing up and she knows my situation, that it's difficult to cope with being ill.

But she keeps hammering the point that I should be able to get additional support and benefits from being chronically ill.

You might think she is looking out for my welfare but I have to painstakingly explain for the hundredth time that this is all bundled together with recognition.

I have to be seen as ill and that has to be taken seriously. I've been fighting for myself to be heard, believed and treated since I was a teenager, to absolutely no avail.

(Side note). As I was just handed my groceries and I already forgot what the top up quickie shop entailed..

Mouthwash, my beautiful scented Radox bath soak, that I use as a gel and some chicken wraps for tomorrow.

Then as he handed me the bags with the drinks, I shrieked and he laughed, not in a bad way but in a.... Be careful Madam lol.

As it was a big bottle of sugar free Ribena squash and 2x6 cans of sugar free 7UP in one bag, arghhh.

I thought Oh no, my legs are buckling, my arms are weakening but I readjusted and was fine.

I may pay the price tomorrow but that will be an issue then.

Those were the things I was running low on and to do a full Ocado shop would be quite pricey so a mini one suited me better.

I made sure there were discounts. £6.50 saving I think altogether, plus free delivery and that makes it worthwhile.

I was disappointed that I didn't see the Christmassy red Radox but there's a green one I haven't used before and that was in stock.

I'll review it when the other one finishes. I do love the red but it comes out in clumps and ends up spilling into the water so it's a bit wasteful.

I know it's supposed to be used as a soak but as I can't physically sit in a tub, I have to stand and use these products in a showery gel form.

Alright enough rambling, back to the subject. To have to admit to someone continually that I am on my own and every time I visited Doctors and Specialists, it kept sending me into spirals of depression.

Is really upsetting in itself. I had to hold back the floods of tears because it was in a public place.

To get told cruelly that you're wasting their time and are faking and just lying is utterly disheartening.

To face that inner fear that you're existence is meaningless and the medical tests backed it up because there was no evidence to back up my claims, is tantamount to anyone having a breakdown.

How long do you debate and crawl to the medical profession and deal with being talked down to and being judged and criticised throughout the visits???

I'm not putting myself through that. I'm in a good as any place. My health is deteriorating and that's normal I guess.

I just have to add that, it's really weird the supplements are giving me additional periods.

I've taken vitamins before and I don't recall this happening before.

I told her again and she knows that, I have to deal with this situation each time I visit a GP or hospital,

But it just vexed me that she was saying casually, Oh you could have been entitled to a free heating blanket (arghhh).

That is insult to injury!!! Don't tell me these things, knowing that I have to go through a battery of medical test to claim for it.

And that invariably I'll be denied. It's sickening! Everyone labels it as disabled in a wheelchair/crutches.

And able-bodied, walking around unaided. I'm in the latter pile so will forever be stuck in the grey area of disbelief.

I've been discriminated a lot and it will continue but that has been my life since I was a teenager and now I'm in my forties.

It's just the way it is. I just don't appreciate someone making out like it's so easy breezy to get diagnosed, it bloody isn't.

Just because bones are supposed to have healed, it doesn't mean they have.

In the same way, just because the tests are not revealing symptoms, it doesn't mean I'm fabricating, it just means, you need a new way of testing patients!!!

#BlogLife473 - My shopping, your shopping, our shopping..

This is probably going to me more rambly than structured as I'm half asleep.

I don't know if I napped or just rested, I'm still pretty sore but breakfast/lunch whatever you want to call it at 12pmish really aided settling my tummy as did the binaural beats.

I'm finding small snacks or meals are better at the moment and if I'm peckish later, I'll just have something else.

I did finally remember to get the cash out for the eyebrow shape and pedicure, I can't even remember what it costs..

Ahh last time it was £28, I took out £30 hopefully that is enough. I'm just not sure when I'll feel up to going.

It's not that far but it's the pain and exhaustion and taking 2 buses is not appealing at the moment or ever really.

Ooh I forgot to tell you the freebies I got when Iceland's unhelpful driver, made me do all the work, unpacking from the crates.

I much prefer Ocado's drivers that hands me the bags, are always smiling and friendly. I never need to bend down.

Anyway as the bags spilled over I noticed some extra dessert that I didn't order.

I try to be good and limit the snacks at times, when I'm not craving them so I was pretty sure I didn't order it.

I tripled checked my receipt and low and behold, these were someone else's items, ha.

They always get refunded back, so they don't lose out, it's just the inconvenience and I love freebies.

I just found it strange, the person ordered 3 boxes of the same item.....

It was a 3 for £5 which was really good deal but 3 boxes of eclairs? Why?? Maybe it was a huge dinner party, but why not get a variety..

Or maybe it was a substitution because oh my oh my oh my, the delicious cinnamon mini apple pie bites are back and they are heavenly.

There was fruit, trifle, yoghurt, cheesecake to choose from. Should have mixed and matched but who am I to judge?

Took out one box and shoved the rest in the freezer. What a relief, they are tiny.

Perfect for a mini sweet tooth indulgence. I gotta change the title, this does not fit, it wasn't what I was going to talk about, oops.

#BlogLife472 - Am I a saucy fem?

How is that for a spicy title? Actually I'm only referring to condiments. Do I partake?

Generally I don't. I'm not on a fixed diet as such but I try to be aware of additional salt/sugar products that I don't need to add to my meals or snacks.

If I could find something that was healthy to compliment a dish, I would but aside from hummus, everything that I have sampled, even the low calories options taste revolting.

I don't want to ruin my dishes just to shave off some calories, I want to enjoy it but know that sometimes, it's a good alternative.

Caesar salad dressing, mayonnaise, ketchup and sweet chilli sauce, even though I'm not big on pepper, were my go to favourites.

There was something else that I adored. Vegetarian pakoras with the cucumber mint raita dip.

I don't actually know if it has cucumber ha, sorry. I know that it is yoghurt, mint and I'm not sure what else.

Some add cumin, some add spices, according to Googly woogly.

I always preferred it over the red tamarind dip, (ginger and cumin).

I've tried the chicken pakoras and although tasty, the vegetarian version is just that much nicer.

If you are wondering what pakoras are, they are a fried dish with onions, potato, flour, spices and herbs.

I grew up with it and although I preferred the wraps, somehow we always came away with simple pakoras and made them give us stacks of sauce because it is inside a tiny tub and they are very mean with it.

On the other side of the counter, usually there is desserts, like gulab jamuns, sweet syrupy balls of goodness.

It's milk based with flour and again fried and then coated in syrup, very very sweet but delicious in small doses.

I don't really know the names. There is one like fudge or toffee, that is not as hard but isn't too soft either.

I'm not sure if that is Burfi/Barfi? Sorry I am just not knowledge and the fact that they have the same name Mithai, makes it that much more complex :D

I'm rambling I know. My point is that I have just bought the supermarket alternative to a raita with yoghurt and mint.

I'm not sure if it's going to be spicy though or even in stock because the shop one, definitely had a kick to it.

I'm hoping it doesn't or if so, just something mild. I'm just really missing some sauce at the moment, so I'm going with my cravings.

I'll let you know what it tastes like tomorrow.... Wish me luck. Mint is supposed to be healthy and aid digestion, I was happy to read that.

Alright I've shaken it well and tried it on salmon, cod, beef and actually I found it quite weak, there was very little mint coming through, no cucumber, just plain yoghurt.

I wasn't sure why the reviews were so positive but then I put it on some chicken pakoras and somehow that made a huge difference.

It's not spicy but it really compliments it and leaves it less dry. It tastes more hearty.

I'm not sure why that is, most people were saying it's versatile on dishes but I don't agree.

I can't believe I'm saying this but it probably would have been nicer, with a tiny pepper kick...

One last thing. I have found that the mint is better distributed throughout the bottle when shaken each time, before usage.

The brand is Crucials and it cost £1.50 for a 500ml bottle.

#BlogLife471 - DicTwitless week and weekend??

I've been feeling extra sore these past few days so decided to sleep in and try to combat it.

It helped a bit, I feel more rested but really peckish, I don't know if I'll have another period this month or not.

I properly woke up and checked my phone to see missed calls and I thought ugh Dic has finally remembered I'm due to see him tomorrow.

Usually there are texts or emails or both reminding me of appointments but strangely there was none but it wasn't from him anyway.

Mama called probably to say she is safe and having a blast on her Cruisey. But I missed it, I leave my phone on silent in the evenings as I don't want to be disturbed then or in the mornings.

As an insomniac, it's near impossible to get back to sleep, let alone actually sleep so I don't take the risk of leaving the ringer on.

Maybe she'll try again in the week but I thought texting or emailing would be cheaper, maybe she got a good deal from BT or EE, not sure if she has switched over yet.

I guess the nice thing about Apple is that she can call and talk to them and get lots of help, when she's stuck and they always transfer her phone's details to the new one to make her life easier.

I'm glad about that because using her phone is wildly frustrating as an Androidian.

I did email her to wish her the best for Mother's Day. I guess she'll see it when she gets back.

I'm not sure if she is travelling alone or with friends. She's really independent so it doesn't faze her at all.

I think there are group tours and she probably just makes friends easily, she's fairly approachable as long as you're not rude or creepy.

I'm wondering if Dic has the balls to send the appointment details tomorrow (Friday) on the actual day.

There's no way I'm getting up early and I think I will schedule a grocery order if I haven't heard anything by 5pm.

I'll be reasonable and give some time as it is only 3.30pm and the workday isn't over yet.

I didn't end up hearing from him, so most likely he overbooked or forgot which I was relieved about.

I had another 1 day period yesterday and today nothing. It's so random.

I had to go see Dic as he sent me an appointment over the weekend, ha.

It wasn't bad actually, few minutes of time wasting and then a minute later, all finished.

But it did takes ages to get home. When I start walking, it's as though somebody has taped ankle weights to me.

I feel like my legs are being stretched out and almost like they are about to tear apart.

That's the sensation of everyday walking. Sometimes when I sit down, you would think the pain would fly away..

But it can be as though my feet are being mashed. It's like an iron has been placed on each foot and there is this pressure pushing down upon them.

It's hard to describe chronic pain, it can vary. I'm just glad to be home. 

Oh it's also like wanting to cover my mouth, to stop me projectile vomiting because that is what I'm going through now.

My stomach is in knots and will probably stay like that, until I eat the sandwich I've ordered from Pret, chased down with a fizzy sugar free lemonade.

Oh I just checked my post and happy to report that I got one set of Mama's mini perfumes from Avon, in a cute lil envelope type thing.

All I am waiting for is the next set, next month and that's it. I can't recall if she said it was a 1 week holiday or 2.

I guess I'll find out when she calls me.

#BlofLife470 - Religion or cult?

I'm so glad one of Mama's perfumes arrived and I had to cheekily smell it.

As we both love the same brand and I was dying to know what it was like as it's newly released.

It's very sweet but distinctive, not like a cheap perfume but something classy.

The courier was annoyingly impatient though, rudely prolongingly buzzing. I hate that, press once and wait, twit!!

I'm glad she's away Cruising it up somewhere. I'm always glad when she vacations because there's no-one just take, take, taking from her.

Thinking back I realised how frantically stressed she used to get, the night before Church.

She would be so busy, snapping and angry, as though she had the weight of the world on her shoulders and still today she is the same.

I didn't really connect it to religion before but now it dawns on me how much she does for them.

Cooking, cleaning, volunteering, donating money, attending long boring lecturey services, the ongoing meetings in the weekday,

There's so many times when she's been tired or ill and said, ugh, I really don't want to go but I can't let them down.

I never understand that, I always think it's fine to take care of yourself and rest but there seems to be something important frequently going on.

And I do think they needlessly over tax the elderly and exploit them a bit.

Otherwise why would she not be at ease? Why would she feel so burdened and be running around like a headless chicken?

Why also would she not take time off routinely without feeling guilty???

I just remember being told I was going to go to hell. Don't lie, don't have pre-marital sex, don't drink, don't do drugs.

That pretty much screwed my head up because it's as though they are saying be a perfect virginal doll.

Judge other people, act flawlessly and don't think about sex. As a pre-teen to teenager..

It all seemed outdated and illogical. What should I do? Stay home, cross my legs and pray 24-7??

I had hormones, lustful thoughts and instead of feeling natural, it felt shameful.

Which is disgusting! Sex should be normal, it's up to the individual whatever they want to do, as long as it's legal and with consenting adults.

It took years and years to unlearn the stupidity of what I was being brainwashed with.

It's 2023 and I still feel a lil unclean if I even mention sex. That is definitely one of the reasons I can't write a mature story.

Some part of me feels, it's inappropriate but it isn't, both men and women enjoy saucy tales.

It's just human nature! Yeesh!! There also seems to be double standards, these all seem to be targeted towards women, to remain pure!

Don't wear trousers, wear skirts or dresses, be feminine, be a lady, but for heavens sake, keep your bloody clothes on!!

Rolls eyes!!

#BlogLife469 - Respectfully teasing..

This seems to be the week of insults to me that have just blindsided me because they popped out of nowhere.

I can tease someone or they can do the same as long as there isn't a rudeness attached to it.

I'll do it about silly stuff and half the time, it is taken in jest and the other time, the person gets their panties in a bunch and goes on a rant.

I like to see who can laugh at themselves and take a joke because that is what I do.

I need humour to lessen reality somewhat because it can be monstrous to be this constant actress..

Yes, yea, umm sure I'm fine. No health scares, no I didn't just take another tumble, no absolutely not, I didn't just twist, sprain, bump something leaving me immobile.......

Nope, I am peachy! I keep most of it bottled up to myself or sometimes on here but usually I make light of it.

Because I don't recall anyone ever saying.. Just talk freely for however long you want and I'll listen.

It's usually just them half listening and putting in the obligated time and I can't share under those circumstances, there isn't any point.

These are writer/bloggery related barbs.

"Oh come on, Blogger isn't a real job, I'm a lawyer, that's genuine!"

Obviously this is not the first time I've heard this, it's said to me quite often.

But it still stings as though I've been slapped in the face. I find lawyer types always give me the cruel feedback.

I could take the time to educate and explain that some Bloggers get sponsored, have advertisers and do research into their subjects.

Plus get paid by google adverts or referral links and they lovingly take the time to write each day with something new.

That isn't easy, you don't know their schedule or what they are personally going through but they do it out of a necessity to share their lives with readers or guests or people they bond with.

They aren't saying look at me, I'm fabulous but rather look beneath the surface and see if you can relate.

Don't feel you are alone in this, maybe I'm just being more public that you would be, but at least you know, someone else is struggling too.

"There is a new app/program that is replacing Bloggers, try it out, it's going to wipe you out completely, use it, do it, it has depth and you have no chance of competing."

What I find amusing is that after the heartless quip, they expect me to stick around for more.

Ha! Fat chance, I've blocked and moved on. I can't see a bot, having more heart and soul than a person.

How can it have life experience? How can it speak from the cutting woulds that have been inflicted over time??

Maybe some people want to read something mindless but I prefer reading a person's journey and seeing where they have been and how they are progressing.

I refuse to serve myself up and say that I'm dealing with multiple chronic illnesses.

The truth is I was born to write, I had this shy unspoken voice inside me all along, bursting to be released but it was stepped on and now it's free.

I don't owe you or anybody an explanation about my life. I'm just trying to survive it as best as I can.

I could do without the judgements!!

#BlogLife468 - I can't give up the fizz

Afternoony Poppets.

How was the weekend adventures? Me? Well it was a mixed bag of nuts.

I rested a lot which was good but I felt really weird at the same time. Cramps, some nausea and this heavy feeling washing over my body.

It's probably just pmt and the nagging cough that comes and goes from a chill I caught doesn't help the situation.

It just won't seem to pass, sipping a sugar free drink helps for a while and then I return to my stomach being unsettled.

Plus my injuries are playing up, pain wise but I'm sure it will improve soon or in a few days.

I did have a deliciously deep sleep and that always benefits me, plus lovely naps during lunchtime.

Ooh I think most of Mama's perfumes are arriving this week, one of the sellers is away so that's not due soon.

I had a strange Ebay pop up which said one of the products I bought, the saline, there was some issue and the listing is being removed.

I haven't even opened it yet, it's just sitting there in a bundle. I've bought from them before and never had a problem.

I wonder if it's a quality control thing? Or a customer made a complaint. Who knows?!

I'm all about the bargains and saving money. I purchase from whoever sells it the cheapest and bulk buying works out to be better value.

That's pretty much how I control my spending and don't get in debt. I try to be careful.

Are you a fussy eater? Do you still refuse to eat certain things? For me when I was lil, I just remember being picky about cooked vegetables, I couldn't stand the mushy consistency but raw I loved.

I was never a big spice fan and my parents loaded and loaded it into food which turned me right off it.

They thought I would get used to it but no I can tolerate really mild, mild flavouring but that's it and not often.

I guess broccoli and brussel sprouts I found the least appetising but it's all about the seasoning.

I remember being in hospital recovering from having my tonsils and adenoids out.

It was definitely pre teen era and I was freaked out about being alone. I don't remember talking to any kids, fellow patients.

It was a long long time ago though. I just wondered when I was going to be allowed to leave.

I'm not sure why I recall certain memories and others are blank. I remember the nurse calling me into this tiny room, trying to give me the anaesthetic and her not finding my veins for a long time.

I don't know if they testing to see if I was allergic to it, prior to the operation but my head was spinning and I was either going to faint or vomit or both and she said, wait outside, we'll try again soon.

I was just thinking damn, let it be over. Eventually I just remember this patch being on my hand and the rest is a blur.

It was successful. I could eat ice cream but there was no appetite at all, just soreness.

Later on I recall them serving broccoli with I'm not sure if it was mash but it was the blandest thing ever.

I took a bite and refused anymore. It was only when at home the seasoning and spices were added, did I grow to love veggies, lightly cooked with the crunch remaining.

It just needed some cooking with love, to taste better.

#BlogLife467 - Premature Mama's Day

Mama is off on her Cruise next Tuesday I think so will miss Mother's Day and I wasn't sure what to get her, she's fussy.

Don't ask me where, I keep forgetting. I just called today and asked what she wanted and she said, she's running low on scents.

I just bought a mini batch of perfume samples for when she's travelling as she said she's run out and I bought her a whole big bottle of Lustre mist by Elizabeth Taylor, it's supposed to be fruity.

I also have a bottle of sun cream and a fitted sheet for her, I know crazy bundle but it's everything she needed/wanted.

I was going to buy her dinner also but she's trying to empty her fridge before she leaves, so postponed the pedicures and lunch until then, which is fine.

I can't believe we've gotten snow again, it's the same year, that's not supposed to happen.

Actually I don't think in my neck of the woods there was any, just everybody else's, Mama was saying that the rain washed hers away and here was just windy and rainy.

I just got back from Dic's appointment, needlessly waiting a few minutes but he eventually saw me for another minute and I escaped.

Just order some fishy food, Turkish salmon and avocado sandwich, I've not tried that before and a cod fish burger.

Plus a chicken tikka sandwich, one to be consumed and the rest for tomorrow. 

Hmm it was the sliced salmon version and I'm not keen on that, prefer the chunks that have more texture and flavour.

Ooh and chocolate cake for the sweet tooth. I am so bloated and was dry heaving all morning but now I feel okay, just achey and sleepy.

I'm supposed to do an Iceland shop for tomorrow but maybe I will leave it until Sunday instead.

Ahh I tried out the new gel pens and they are dark enough and legible but I noticed sometimes I have to really press hard otherwise, no ink is visible, as though it stop-starts and that isn't ideal.

I'm trying to reduce the pressure and strain from using my hands, not add to it.

Oh I finally remembered to wear the mascara, there was no irritation at all, mind you, I only used one coat, just in case.

There wasn't any curl and next time I will build it up to another coat or two.

But usually my lenses would be blurry and coated with mascara and I wouldn't be able to see.

 

I didn't want to take that chance as I would be outdoors, maybe when I'm in the mood, I'll do it inside and see what the result is.

Goodness I forgot to wash off my makeup. It's funny on the left eye, there's no residue at all but on the right, there's a slight feel of leftover mascara.

I've just finished the Vatika hair fall shampoo and I really loved it but Mama gave me a shampoo and conditioner to try so I'm using that until it runs out and I can buy some more.

Ahh another thing I noticed about taking the supplements is that I didn't have the usual hormonal acne breakouts.

It's not a massive amount, a few pimples generally but this time nothing, clear skin.

Last mini review I just tried Dr Pepper zero sugar for the first time in my life as the restaurant I order from always gives me freebies.

The name alone is enough to put me off, pepper in a drink? Yuckity.

I didn't want to waste it so I tried some and threw the rest away because frankly, the bitter aftertaste made me gag.

It's like flat coke, sarsaparilla, that kinda dry consistency, as opposed to fresh.

Then the last flavour was like shandy I guess, I'm not sure I've even tried that but there was this alcoholic taste, ickkkk.

Just thought I would share that, it's a new experience so why not.

Although I had to get the taste out of my mouth as soon as possible!

#BlogLife466 - Kik or Kick? Manipulation time!!

Yesterday I decided to be nice. I admit, I can be very stubborn and resistant to change at times.

I get something in my head and I'm adamant that is my stance and no amount of negotiations will alter that.

But for some reason on Wednesday I thought hmm, what if you do this thing and it's not so bad after all..

(Except I knew it would be)!

Despite my better judgement I decided I would download Kik messenger for I, as he is against number swaps and for this crappy messenger.

It reminded of maybe it was a few years ago when I downloaded Whatsapp to my chromebook and that lasted, what maybe a few days?

Before he royally just annoyed the hell out of me and I was relieved to get rid of it.

My objection to it, the incessant adverts, now one video randomly pops up that you must watch.

Plus you need your wifi constantly on and I switched mine off at times.

Coupled with the fact that as soon as you get it, the questions arise, asl and show me photos, now now now.....

Ick!! Certain enquiries are now just intolerable..

What do you look like?

Where in *censored* exactly do you live?

Can I see you?

What do you want to talk about?

Tell me everything about you?

It's just too annoying. I don't narrow down my location, it's nobody's business but my own.

I'm not out to meet anybody so why do they need to know?

My looks well, again, what difference does it make? Photos, I still can't stand them.

I usually just ignore them and move on to someone else as some are just insistent and demand to get the information with some sarcastic, bitter replies.

Anyway I think deep down, although I don't put myself out there and meeting someone is just too horrifying and overwhelming....

It would be nice just once to care about someone, to take care of them and have them cherish me, for me!

Instead of what usually occurs, I compromise or be willing to try and it's immediately exploited.

I always hope that someone will be grateful that it was difficult for me and they will appreciate me and respect my boundaries.

But nope, they excitedly think, omg omg omg, she caved, her walls are down. Yipeee.....

I can get her to do anything. She's going to be so easy to manipulate now, woohooo.

Ugh what a relief, no more objections, she's just weak and I can move in for the kill!

Why do I say this? It always happens. Case in point, before I downloaded the app I was transparent.

I said don't ask me for images, don't ever ask my asl and he agreed wholeheartedly.

Then it was.......... Show me your glasses, show me your nightgown....

Oh and the nail in his coffin........... You need to stop saying no to me!

I got so mad, I retorted back in full capital letters, I don't do pictures, what did I tell you before??

And he made the mistake of not taking me seriously. Ooooh was he lame answer.

I ignored that and laughed thinking now I have an excuse to get rid of this application.

Then eventually he wasn't so cocky. He asked if I was still around?

I smiled and responded sweetly with, for now, until you bug me again and I uninstall it.

Did he apologise or act like he did anything wrong? Of course not.

He said at least we had fun and the last parting gift before I uninstalled it was......

A bad result cancels any good that came before it. What am I waiting for? 

I'm uninstalling. Grins. Did I wait for him to reply? Nopity, nope.

Just because I relent, it does not make me a people-pleasing doormat!

I'm still the same hard ass I previously was, I've just made allowances and tested you, to see how you treat this generosity of mine.

Newsflash, you failed!

#BlogLife465 - Can I be faithful?

It's a late start today. I just couldn't get out of bed, I've been having late night rendezvous and it's exhausting.

But very funny, the randomness of the randoms :D I checked my email to see if anything was pressing and what did I see....

No, nothing from Dic, thank heavens but another 2 year old email from either a penpal or an old flirting buddy.

Why?? Why do some men not clear their emails?? And it was bizarre that he added some old correspondences between us..

Then just said Hello lol. Can you not meet any new women? Was I that memorable??

It's just weird. I trash these and don't respond. What can I say? Hiiii, so good to hear from you, what's new in 2 years???

Pfft! I prefer to move forward and not look back. This is the slowest I've ever written a post.

My phone keeps pinging, I keep getting top up drinks and I burned my eyes this morning because the acid (that's what it feels like) cleaning solution, lingered on my lenses.

I rinse with the saline every morning, to wash away any eyelashes or debris but if you don't remove every trace of cleaner....

Ouch, that stings like mace!! I'm happy that the Hermes driver, (seems to be a regular) came a while back, in the hour slot and all my things were there.

I paid for a specific day because I never know if Dic will call, text, email an appointment.

Some companies, use my additional address line.... Do Not Leave With Neighbours.

Others do not as my parcels go mysteriously missing frequently... I'm really surprised that the Marks nightie fits me.

I bought a size smaller and took a chance, I prefer darker shades and some embellishments.

This had pretty laced short sleeves and was surprisingly long, ankle length for me, as I'm a shortie.

It's actually loose, not baggy, just lovely and loose, soft cotton and it cost £15 which is a lil pricey as it is thin but delightful.

My clothes seem to take ages to dry so I like spares around.

Alright let's focus on the topic. In person I would be totally faithful and committed to giving a relationship a chance.

I can't see me having multiple casual meets, every weekend with strangers.

It would drain me but online that's a different story. I prefer to have a range of chats, even if they are one offs.

It stops me getting too attached, even though I can still never recall most of what transpired.

Sometimes I make notes on the basics, just to stop me asking....Wait which one are you? What's your name again??

Haha, it's pretty insulting to them because they seem to have a much better recollection and I'm thinking hmm, have we spoken before??

I'm terrible, I know. V, the soft spoken guy, revealed something and although funny and sweet, has this immature personality.

I've totally gone off him. I, the latest new guy prefers I don't chat to other men at all.

To which my reply was..... I'm single, I'm not married. Meaning I'm free to do as I please.

He doesn't want to swap emails, numbers and that's a red flag but does want me devoted to him.....

He says he is single but then they all say the same and reveal down the line, Oh yes, well actually I am married...

I will begrudgingly believe him, until there is proof that he is not being truthful.

When someone's appealing you can chat to them and then find someone else, but the spark maybe missing with the next guy.

You may not get the same rush. I've told him, he can speak to other females but he's not keen on that.

I've said this before but I'm a talker, more than a texter. I understand it's more convenient to text but I feel I can read someone better over a call.

He doesn't want to do that, at all. Another red flag. Voices, distance those are all dealbreakers in friendships, flirtships? Lol.

I need someone local to me and I need a deep voice, if not deep, then definitely not soft or high pitched as though their voices haven't broken.

Yuck! He should really protect himself from getting too hooked on one person, putting all your eggs in one basket.

It's too fragile. I know eventually this is going to go wrong, somewhere down the line and I'm going to walk away fairly unscathed but he's gonna be slightly cut up because I was the sole focus.

He doesn't want to listen to that so that his choice. Me? Hmm I think I will focus on stories, rather than real life.

Fiction is much more satisfying than reality. I can give it a happy ending and know that it will all work out because it has too.

I want that and I'm sure the readers do too.

I really just don't see how a messenger is simpler than texting? You need wifi for a messenger.

Guaranteed I'm going to hate his voice lol.

#BlogLife464 - 26yrs old microwave croaking

Song of the day - Sia - Big Girls Cry

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6tfQBADnk4

It was both exciting and nerve wracking furnishing my first home, the expenses kept mounting up but I was extremely fortunate that I had won a cash prize and that helped out a lot.

The silver American style fridge freezer seemed extravagant, spacious and shiny, I couldn't believe it fit perfectly into the narrow kitchen space. (£200ish)

Then or before I forget which order was the overpriced stainless steel microwave for £250.

That price stuck in my mind because I didn't want to pay it ha. I wanted something around £100 but the reason I went for stainless steel was because it would be easier to clean and last longer.

The cheap appliances at the family home didn't last long and had a myriad of problems but they were affordable.

Usually I can shop around for deals and hit my price range but no matter where I looked the stainless steel variety was scarce and extortionate.

This was the cheapest I could get but I'm so glad that I bought it. I didn't expect it to last 26yrs.

I was very lucky. I think it's a Panasonic brand. Actually to be honest, it's still functioning but the light bulb has blown.

I guess while it's still working I will use it. I have the panini grill as a backup.

Ugh I thought the Postie was buzzing me to come in but nope someone else.

I just saw a blue nightie in Marks and Spencers and bought it for £15 at least it is really long and a nice navy shade.

I also picked up some more socks and lingerie as the washer seems to make them vanish.

One minute I have so many and the next, can't find any. Grr. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that Elizabeth Taylor company has brought out yet more unheard of perfumes.

There is one called Night and another called Lustre but I don't know what they smell like, I'll have to Google them and see.

I think I have liked all or nearly all that I have tried so far which isn't many actually.

The original white diamonds, sparkling white (my favourite), en rouge.

Plus the scented lotion I got for Mama, which we both loved, I think that was called Passion.

I'll think about it some more before I buy one. I would rather spend money on something I know I'm going to like, than waste money and chance a fragrance.

There is also a few randoms floating around. I've had ongoing chats and 2 phonecalls.

I witheld my number and I'm glad I did. They are both highly intelligent but the voices aren't ideal.

One swears too much and is a lil too flirty and the other makes me laugh but is too soft spoken, I really hate that.

There's probably only been about 5 voices, that I've loved listening too, the rest have been a mixed bag of tolerable and awful.

I'm more of a talker than texter so voices in my ear, have to be pleasant.

Ha, I ran into the curser last night and he's just obsessed with sex and flirting.

I don't encourage him and try to re-direct the subjects but he's relentless.

Finally I just had enough and ignored him, to which he finally got the message and said have fun with your intellectuals.

Lmao it always amuses me how arrogant they see themselves. Comparing to how they see their rivals.

But the thing is their rivals can talk about a broad spectrum of topics, unlike them, sex sex sex.

Yeesh, yawn. You got to have more substance than that, opinions, interests, hobbies...

I feel lousy today and I forgot to apply the mascara, arghhh. Do you run for the bus to catch it?

I briskly walk until I slow down but unless I miss someone, I never hustle, I just let it go by..