#BlogLife992 - Bad truffle

Oops I don't think the truffles I bought for Mama were well received...

She said they were ok, really hard shell but soft centre. I got to look up the name so I don't buy them again.

I thought they would be softer like ferreros. Cocoa Loco, that was it, pricey too.

Oh well, I'm not sweating it, as I got her Divine and fudge so, it's not all bad.

That's why it's good to buy a bunch of things and hedge your bets, plus she's fussy and hard to please so at least with old favourites, she's happy.

Actually I have to ask her if she liked the Divine bar.

Anyway a funny exhausting day, I was fighting with the roll of bin liner sacks as they were stuck together and for half an hour, I could not pry them apart.

I swear this roll is thinner, eventually it ripped and I just tore off a new one.

I could not stop craving chocolate, it could be hormone related, around this time, it's what I go for.

I was looking for Black Magic chocolates, a dark mix of varied fillings but no joy.

In the end I was going to get some sandwiches and a drink, forgot about the drink, and because it's Bank Holidays, off course no daily sandwiches are brought in.

So that was a bust, I got some beef bolognese and a cheese burger.

Plus...... Crisps, although 1x was sold out. Oh and I saw chicken spring rolls, but they sent me veggy ones, so I asked for a refund and I got it.

But the main goodies were Cadbury Bournville hazelnut bar £2.25 100g.

I don't think I've tried that. I think that is a hot chocolate brand..

Also M&M's £2.30 for a 112g bag and finally Quality Street 550g which I expected to be tiny somehow..

And ended up as a huge box for £5.45, it was the cheapest box I could find ha.

Why did I order so many chocolates? I wanted to make sure at least one was in stock.

They don't tell you until after you've ordered, when they are preparing it.

All that will last ages because my appetite isn't fully back but I can pick at bits and pieces and not have to do a major shop.

Although at some point, I will need bins ha.

I know this is calorific and everyone who struggles with their weight battles with indulgence.

Should I? Shouldn't I? Family, friends, colleagues all nagging you to relax and just eat whatever recklessly..

And you might do it and feel guilty afterwards.. Or you might say, Look I can justify it because I'm exercising and generally being careful most of the time so I can afford to treat myself.

There isn't really a right or wrong path. What I've personally learned is continued binging doesn't suit me.

Starving myself isn't healthy but having occasional treats here and there, lessens the intense cravings.

Aside from when I'm bloating and cannot tell if I am hungry or full..

It took me getting out of my head, trying to dictate myself, what I'm supposed to do....

Versus, what is the normal and doable thing because now I can have a big or small meal..

Have snacks, good or bad ones and still maintain continued weightloss, which way back when I started, seemed impossible.

I felt like no matter what I did, I put on the pounds and stones and it's frustrating and disheartening, to keep trying your best and failing at it.

Everyone has to figure out what will help them, some join slimming clubs and the support of doing it with others or sharing struggles or tips, can be beneficial.

I thought about it, but paying for something like that, to be embarrassed or shamed, was not my cup of tea.

I don't really know what finally spurred me into action really. I think I was just unhappy generally and wanted to wear cute clothes in a smaller size and have the ability to walk into any store, see my size and think yea....

That will suit me. I did a bunch of pointless things and then found my routine.

What could I do without? What is a smarter choice? Maybe late night munching isn't good for me..

Hmm I didn't mean to get so rambly. I'm quite pleased Asda and Sainsbury found my address without me having to go outside.

Asda handed me the stuff in their own proper plastic bag. I love that, normally it's paper or thin bags, but this is a sturdy reusable one.

I'll let you know when I try it, what I thought of the Cadbury bar.

I know it's Friday and a Bank Holiday, I feel like I should be doing something lol.

Oh darn it. That's the thing I really wanted, nuts, specifically almonds and cashews, love those and I forgot, Oh well..

#BlogLife950 - Disliked for my gender?

Dear Moi,

As usual I would have loved more sleep but 9amish was when I really woke up properly and that was it. 

P told me he injured himself and is getting checked out, nothing major and he's in good spirits, still hope he's ok though and I appreciated him telling me.

It got me to thinking of the silliest but excruciatingly painful incident that happened when I was pre teen..

The door rang and for some reason I was so excited to get it. I don't recall who it was and why I was so giddy but I ran barefoot and somehow smacked into the door and chipped a bone in my lil toe.

I didn't even get to open the door, I just hobbled back hopping in agony and what sticks out, is the lack of compassion or sympathy..

As my Mama said, it's your own fault, you brought this on yourself. I remember thinking I am in so much pain, probably crying at that point and you can't even be nice to me...

Looking back I don't recall any instances where she was hyper critical to my male siblings, it was just me and there is a long pattern of blame and disgust for me being human and making errors.

When I was on my first weight loss journey, there wasn't many options that were affordable in the stores, so I tried on a jacket maybe and it was an inch too small.

She looked so repulsed at me with a grunt. The implication being, Cripes, Why are you like this? Why can't you be skinny like the other females in the family?

I felt so low and I think the self loathing was already present but there was anger and resentment that I couldn't express because she was the one that was obsessed with my weight and gave me a complex in the first place.

I felt like I could not get her approval until I began to skip meals, exercise all day and was fainting a lot.

The reason I am calling it a gender issue is because she compared me to her favourite nieces that were skinny and popular but also my siblings that were male and popular..

My siblings were nasty human beings to me, bullied, threatened and made me a terrified silent shell of myself.

But because they were popular, they were admired and celebrated. 

I was sensitive and struggled to communicate with anyone, so forming attachments was too challenging and still is, as I get used for my kindness and then ignored when I need something.

This still weighs on my mind as it is ongoing. The fractured relationship with my Mama has less appeal to be repaired.

I like being a woman, I mostly do like myself but I have gotten to the point where family or not, I think I would rather be alone in life than being critiqued and feeling like I'm barely seen or tolerated.

What is it about me, that causes distaste? 

Yes I make mistakes, Yes, I'm sensitive, Yes I'm unable to form friendships or relationships because I can't stand being vulnerable or talking or opening up around others, only in safe written form. Anonymously.

Were you expecting me to be a perfect doll? Pretty, skinny, well adjusted, popular, confident and outspoken? 

I wonder if both my parents would have preferred their only daughter to be male, I'm beginning to realise that's the way it appears..

Disgusting behaviour, rudeness and arrogance were favoured because what? They had a lot of friends and were ambitious to the outside world?

But behind close doors...... Shouting to get their way, intimidation, silencing and thievery happened.

Did my parents look back and genuinely think, You know what the bad traits we can tolerate and forgive but our daughter we can not..

She is not like us, she does not belong in our family. She is anti social, not trusting, doesn't have friends, is pathetically long term sick and has no ambition or purpose in life.

That is inexcusable to us, We will show out distaste for her and revere the males as they represent us favourably.....

It's funny to me, my eyes are watery admitting all of this because you emotionally stole the confidence out of me.

Yet you wanted me to be better and stronger, it backfired on you because I felt kicked when I was utterly defenceless.

Your sons made me unable to trust anyone. Especially any males.

Yet you kept saying, ignore it. You kept saying Don't eat too much. You kept saying/implying Who you are, isn't good enough.

I know nobody will ever love me for me, only I will accept myself as imperfect.

I know I am good enough as I am but I failed to meet your impossible standards and I don't want to serve myself up anymore for your inspection.

You, my family are the cause of staying invisible for most of my life and I'm sick of the living in the shadows..

I want to walk in the daylight proudly and be seen and accepted and respected. Is that too much to ask?

#BlogLife626 - Butter me up

I don't know if it's the hormones or being unsettled that's depressing me but each day is a challenge to get started.

I feel like I'm being toyed with. One minute I'm on the road to recovery and the next, it's three steps backwards.

I forgot to get fresh fruit juice as that was something I was enjoying and I don't usually purchase it that often.

I'm craving things I don't consume and the things that were my favourites, I push aside.

At the moment I want butter for my sandwiches and I haven't bought that for decades.

I use it when I'm at Mama's or out in a cafe/restaurant but not at home and I don't miss it but all of a sudden I want it.

I don't understand these peculiar needs. It doesn't seem rational. I stopped using butter because I felt like I had to adjust my diet as much as I could.

Exercise is not safe. I feel like I've permanently damaged my arms, when I lift them up, there is this excruciating pain still.

That's been present for months now. A gentle workout is preferred, although I'm not sure it does anything but get my heart rate up.

But I keep hurting myself, whether it's my back, my legs, my feet. It's offputting.

My body is just too delicate so I prefer to keep tweaking my eating habits and the weight is steadily downsizing.

Although truth be told, ideally I should lose another 2/3 stones to be really healthy.

That's the amount I have already lost, as I've gone down 2/3 dress sizes and that's how I measure it.

I'm not obsessed, I'm not crash dieting, I'm not cutting out snacks. I'm just trying to find a good balance.

The Burt Bees lip balm has this pleasant sweet minty scent. I don't mind it.

It's soft enough to get on the tip of my finger, but not runny or gloopy.

It applies easily but I wouldn't recommend it. As soon as I stop using it, it ceases any benefits.

My lips go back to being dry and chapping and as with my balms, they are only effective upon continued usage, once you stop, it stops.

Oh I did go ahead and trim my hair and it's really short but tidy. That helped my mood because it's minor pampering and although I want to head to the salon, I don't have the energy.

#BlogLife222 - I'm too alphette for you

If boys are alpha, what are girls? 

Alphette? Alphina? I've no idea.

All I know is that life shapes you, when you are young and impressionable.

I'm constantly aware of people's behaviour towards me and I try not to let them take advantage which is tricky because at times you want to think the best and give them the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe I've become too cynical, too tough because of it. I feel like I am stronger and more independent than any of the randoms I come into contact with.

Are girls/women supposed to remain soft and mushy forever? 

I guess it depends on the life you lead or what you have gone through.

Mine's been rough but then I compare it too some of the volunteer chats I've taken and yikes..... Nowhere close.

Where have I been?

Right here but I had no words in me. I felt depressed but only hormonally speaking.

I feel there was an extra surge, as I skipped last month and my head is still fuzzy.

I am at the point where, every lil thing I have to do is overwhelming me, so nothing is getting done.

No matter what I do and say to myself, I can't pull out of it yet. It's got a tight grip on me.

I had a takeout tonight, I really fancied a chicken and avocado panini and some cake and the bag felt so heavy.

As I was unpacking it, I found 2 whole cartons of soy milk...... Ha!!

Who orders a sandwich and soy milk, from a cafe? At first I thought it was a replacement but I got everything.

Even the cake was hugeee. I had a tiny bit and shoved the rest in the fridge.

I've noticed something weird about me. As soon as my mama said..

"Oh the trousers you bought were too big? You must have lost weight!"

I've been snacking more and eating unhealthy foods. Subconsciously I'm trying to put the weight back on.

Why??

A part of me, hates that my mama only seemed to accept me and be all smiley when I was slimmer.

It's been haunting me, that on all our shopping trips together, if something was the tiniest bit too small...

She was soooo damaging with her criticisms and it wasn't even the words.

It was the looks and the attitude. "Really, it doesn't fit? Ughhh."

It's like she wanted me to disappear completely. Not eat, just exercise 24-7 and yet when I became as obsessed with it, similar to her.

She said.. "Hey I'm watching you, eat something." I think the whole thing is *insert swear word* me off.

As she sees my bitchy cousins as ideals, when they aren't nice, decent or respectful, just because they are slim.

Whereas I, constantly trying my best to lead a good life and be polite.....

Arghhhhh. This should not still bother me but it bloody does! No matter what I accomplish.. It's like she has written me off as not a real woman/daughter..

You can call me tough on the outside but soft on the inside but that's not accurate.

I reckon I am purely a brick wall. That's why it's tough for people to get close because I don't want anyone weak around me.

I refuse to let their weaknesses infect me. It took forever to repair the confidence that everyone took away from me.

I don't want to be that insecure girl/woman anymore. I understand parts of me will be self conscious about certain areas like my body/intelligence but I can also see how far I've come.

It might be strange to be seen as an Island but it's oxygen to me.

I hope this makes sense. It turned rambly because normally I'll start and finish a post and be done with it, while it's still fresh but this one, I couldn't get any feeling behind it, so it was on pause.

I'm not sure I will post tomorrow. It was hard enough to write this one.

I'll just wish you all the best and hope that you have a delightful time over the weekend 

:)

#BlogLife40 - Walking on broken glass

Remember that Annie Lennox song about heartbreak? It's really catchy. I was trying to find a suitable title and that was only one that fit anywhere close.

I'm not going to be talking about heartbreak. Today it is about obsessive workouts. 

The reason I am not a feet/shoes person is because at my most compulsive phase I did a lot of walking and for some reason, my feet bruise really easily.

I used to go for hourly walks at night. I would walk, back and forth to College which was about 45mins-ish. My feet were cut up and bleeding, a large majority of the time.

I still have scarring and bruises from that era and that was so long ago. I never wore stilettos because I couldn't walk in them but I did wear block heels.

Nothing was comfortable. I tried trainers for a while but I felt so unclassy. I just remember limping a lot of the time and yet I still carried on walking everywhere.

The reason being that at that point in my life. I didn't want any body fat at all, such was my preoccupation with weight. I did actually achieve that on my tummy area but not in a healthy sustainable way.

I just couldn't halt from comparing myself to women around me. They were all effortlessly skinny and I looked at food and just piled on the pounds.

Now I just wear loose fitting ankle boots and they are sooo cosy but I still used to panic about what on earth I would couple with a dress or a skirt?

My boots were casual out the outfits were smart. They just didn't go together. I recall buying these luxurious black velvet thin mini chunky heeled shoes..

And wearing them to a club with friends. I honestly thought I had broken them in prior and I did wear a mini foot slip to go with them..

But within possibly fifteen minutes my feet were in agony. I couldn't dance, there was no place to sit. I was miserable and the sweetest guy, not in a romantic sense,

But in a caring way, was trying to cheer me up. He kept me from losing my mind as we walked to the car and he let me sprawl out on the backseat with my feet up and my shoes off.

Everybody was laughing as I walked to my door with my shoes removed and promptly threw them in the bin. They didn't cost an obscene amount.

I think they were on sale £20? I reckon. I just wanted that to be the last time I suffered to look good. It wasn't but that was my hope.

Weight off my mind

It was such a burden to grow up in a weight obsessed household. Every snack and meal scrutinised and then being mocked for having a healthy appetite. 

I couldn't stand it and then I remember the times when there was not enough money for food when my parents separated and I felt so hungry and frantic that when there was an abundance of food laying around I would overeat and enjoy the feeling of a happy full stomach.

I was pretty much a chubby teenager, not really into sports but always had my head stuck in a book absorbing knowledge and dreaming of a better place.

I went from gorging, to grazing and then bouts of eating nothing because I discovered I could. The problem was after the meal skips or going a day without eating it became harder to have a meal, although inside I was famished. 

I completely took it to heart, all the sideway looks I received and the disapproving tone when I was still peckish and possibly craving dessert. 

Nowadays I listen to my body and act accordingly to my needs. I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full.

Three times my weight has drastically fluctuated from big to small because of severe stress and trying to adapt to having health issues and chronic pain. 

I can no longer do the workouts I used to do because it's too harsh so I have to adapt them or do alternatives which are less taxing but is making the weight loss very slow. 

I also keep injuring myself no matter how gentle it is and then have to rest up which is frustrating also.

Part of me would love to just not care and continue to be overweight and half happy in my skin but the other part remembers what it was like to not carry around extra stones and waltz into a store able to find my size in pretty much any outfit. 

Nowadays I shop online and to be honest there is much more variety and style. I am less forced to pick something I'm unsure about.

My wardrobe had gotten quite drab and boring with practical but unfeminine clothes but over the past few months I have updated it with some pretty skirts and my first two maxi dresses in very bold colours. 

I just don't know when I'll have the courage to wear them out.

If I'm completely honest there is another reason that I haven't been as dedicated to losing it and that is because I'm afraid I will be tempted to go back into the dating pool. 

It has not served me well at all and my energy needs to be directed at staying positive and upbeat which is hard enough to do, without adding a guy to stress me out into the mix.

I wished that when I was slim I had relaxed more and felt confident but I feel like there was always somebody chipping away at the little confidence I did have until I just wanted to be so skinny I'd turn invisible and blend into any background.

I do feel a lot stronger and now I am able to define myself as cute and then a head turner when I was in my teens/early twenties but I know that I would look and feel so much better if I trimmed down and made the effort to exercise regularly.

Verbal food abuse

Thinking back I can pinpoint the first time I realised I had a problem with food. 

My parents kept calling me greedy for snacking and so I would sneak into the kitchen and gorge a little, not to much but enough to satisfy my appetite. 

That by itself doesn't seem that bad but it must have affected me because when I had a sleepover at my cousins house, I did the same thing snuck into the kitchen while everyone was out and had a snack.

This time however I was caught and I panicked. My aunt looked at me softly and said "You are allowed to eat, you know." 

It didn't feel that way and I felt so foolish because she was right and so my life long battle with food began.

I always wished I was good enough for my parents to accept me as I was. 

When I asked my mum why she called me names and made me feel bad for being hungry her excuse was that she wanted to motivate me to lose weight.

When I went down to a size 12 and she suspected I wasn't eating then she began to worry and monitered me during meal times. 

If I felt like vegging out she would say the same thing again "Watch out you'll get fat again." There was no pleasing her with this issue.

She learn't her lesson though when I finally spoke up and said it wasn't ok to say those things to me and because of that it makes me eat more not less and then starve myself. 

Now she doesn't say anything and I appreciate that because I will forever be the yo-yo dieter.

I remember walking into a room while a party was going on and hearing laughter with the words "Look at my fat daughter." I didn't cry, speak up or look in that direction. I simply got up left the room and felt my heart break into a million little pieces.

I don't hate my parents although from time to time I may still complain. I just disliked some of the parenting techniques that were just horrendous.

I suffered from bouts of depression and contemplated suicide but some of that was to do with being bullied by my brothers who kept threatening me but I suppose my parents thought it was just sibling rivalry or angst.

I however was scared out of my mind and when I finally moved into my own place. I severed all contact with them.

I remember only wanting peace and quiet and a safe haven to call my own. I think that's why hardly anyone knows my address just selected friends and family.

I could never understand why they were so popular and loved. They were both junkies, verbal abusers and psychopaths behind closed doors. (That's the reason I have never nor will ever try drugs). 

Yet everyone always asked me about them and seemed so shocked when I said I no longer interact with them so should they wish to be updated on their live's they would need to contact them directly.

Maybe being honest, reliable, considerate and well mannered doesn't mean anything anymore..

The thing I hate is that I learned that negative mentality from them and it stuck with me all through my extreme dieting. 

I would put myself down constantly in order to lose weight, telling myself that I was unattractive and dumb and that nobody really liked me but after a while that was too much of a toll on me.

Growing up with a childhood like mine definitely put me off relationships and having kids. 

I think that is why I'm content now not to put myself out there and rush to be hurt. I've been through enough now. 

I tried so hard to be a better person, someone that would be liked but it was just never adequate.

I love and accept myself now and whoever doesn't...needs to look inwards instead of projecting their low self worth onto me.