#BlogLife939 - I am such a hypocrite

I've been lending support on the forums, advising others to take care of themselves..

That they should prioritise themselves and not just burnout or neglect their needs.

And I'm not even doing that. Regarding stress I used to overeat unhealthy things and then feel remorseful.

Now I guess I stop feeling the need to nibble, maybe I feel disappointed in myself, I should be doing this and that but instead I'm outsourcing and relying on others.

It's my responsibility, illness or no illness. I don't even fancy dessert and that's the usual comfort food choice.

I can't wait to get back to my normal state of independence where it's just me and I can get it done in my own pace.

I'm reliable, others are not. The sun shining brightly is mocking me.

Am I just continually making the wrong decisions? Making my life harder?

I'm wondering when it will get easier? 

The funny thing about having people coming and going so much, is constantly hiding the washing that's hanging out.

I think I'm just waiting for these intrusive meetings to be over with.

I'm actually running low on a fair few bits so I need to do a shop soon anyway.

It can't be tomorrow, busy, maybe after the surveyor or just before..

Hmm, that's disappointing, I got an email postponing tomorrow's appointment until Wednesday.

It's not to bad and it was an emergency but the cynical side of me thinks, Uh Oh, paid for something and now being messed around......

At least it's still this week and I guess, I can have a lay in, I'll see if I'm in the mood to munch tomorrow.

They didn't have the samosas but I also got a chicken sandwich and the salmon salad pasta.

Oh that's what I was going to say, my hunch was right about one of chats lying about the facts.

I hate that, so now I don't know what to do if they request another one, I guess I have to confront them and move them along.

I hate being lied too, when I'm trying to help. Why would you do that?

Also I bonded with another Listener and it was so weird to see her targeted for trolling and personal attacks.

Why? She's nothing but sweet and supportive, I've never seen her attack anyone aside from defending herself.

I don't get it. Anyway she's a strong character and we are allies which makes it easier for both of us :)

Ah so got around to calling the surveyor and no free slots are available, so she said just wait for the new appointment to arrive by post.

I'm not keen on that but I hope they will also send a text reminder in case I don't get the letter.

Now I have to tackle the course of which I have lost enthusiasm for..

I just have to tell them I'm not prepared to shell out for additional identification.....

Why should I have too? I have enough expenses. Oh that's odd just check the Emop bill, I was only charged £85.

I know it's a lot of money, I just mean't I thought it would be, extra, extra as it was all day, 5 hours I think.. Instead of the 3.

Maybe I got all those discounts in the end or perhaps they knew I wasn't happy.

I forgot that the end of the month passed and the rent is due so after the phone charges I'll pay that.

The money is certainly dwindling down. The rent is paid for the month.

Well I guess it just happened Mama texted to say she's leaving tomorrow for Canada to see her Mama and siblings and will be back on the 4th.

I had assumed she left already so I wished her a great trip. It just felt like the right time to talk.

Although it's not really opening up. I'm not sure I'm ready to re-connect with her.

I don't think I've missed her as such, there are things I've wanted to discuss, general things..

It's the fact that our relationship will never improve, I can say something and then she will take it in and then late on repeat the toxic behaviour.

So what exactly is the point? I'm sick of sacrificing my needs to pretend I'm fine.

I'm realising I can live without her. It doesn't seem right but I don't want to feel unwanted anymore.

I'm just done with being trodden on. It's time for me to be kind to myself and ask, What or Who makes me feel good?

I've also trimmed and filed my nails and trimmed my hair, so all spruced up.