#BlogLife1025 - It's me isn't it? Always the cause..

Cripes I was hoping my brain would let this go, same crap, different day, yeesh.

Why can't I ignore it? Why do I let it penetrate my psyche? My good mood?

One lil sentence and I'm all riled up, the rest of the conversation falls on deaf ears....

Pfft. I was talking to Mama, and of course she brings up the two sibling nitwits I've repeatedly asked her not to mention.

I wish she wasn't so thoughtless and cruel. I wish she had empathy for someone other than her friends, like me for example.

She said one is going travelling with her, I couldn't care less, in April, she's off to see family in a few different countries, good for her, she's happy when she's jetsetting.

I just don't need to hear about the companion and then she said Ah got the new phone, I'm giving the old one to him....

I know you don't like him but as he's got a family now, he's must have matured......

Good grief she puts it all one me, all the blame, all the cause. Fricking hell I am so angry.

Why does she do that?? There are lifelong reasons for my hatred!!

WTF! All my pain, fear, lack of self worth is nothing to her. The fact that I wanted to disappear, the fact that I punished myself for being unlovable....

Certain things I will struggle to forgive her for.. The lack of being able to talk, share, get close to anyone, routinely knocking my confidences, day in and day out...

Mama you are one heartless person. You destroy me, you really do!

Why do you never choose your words carefully? Why should I be just an afterthought??

You have such care and consideration for others, yet you treat me like crap!

I'm sick of going over this but until I write it and share it, it lives in my head and I can't escape the bitter distaste.

You choose to alienate me and maybe I've finally worked out the reason why.......

You want me to make it acceptable, you're waiting for me to apologise and say, Actually I deserved it, it was all my fault..

Screw that!

Go to hell!!

I'm not going to blame myself anymore.

And I don't care about your justifications, or that time has moved on, or that you want to think of yourself as a better parent than you actually are.

I am sick of all of it.

I grew up blaming me and you allowed and encouraged people to treat me like dirt.

Why? Because you had no bloody backbone, therefore I couldn't develop one either.

I should be normal, I should want to be around others but half the time, I can't even bloody speak.

I am racing out the door to rush home to feel safe! My mindset, my go to is always going to be to deflect and keep people at a distance.

Be tough and aloof and not permit them close enough to wound me because half the time, I barely feel able to stand, physically and emotionally.

How can I lean on them? I can't even share the basics. Plus that voice in my head, saying...

You're an idiot..... Guess where I learned that mentality from...