#BlogLife917 - Unwanted

I don't really want to talk, I want to bury my emotions but my brain is super chatty and doesn't want to listen.

This word, unwanted is circling around and around. It's saying to me, Listen even your own family doesn't want to be around you.

It's hurtful, it makes me sad and depressed and just I guess that feeling of being unlovable returns..

Like hell, something about me is just sooooo disgusting that no-one is ever going to care about me, let alone love me.

I cannot get rid of it, and the worse people treat me, the more it reinforces that belief.

But at least the tears are coming out freely and that's what I was after because later on, hopefully I'll start to heal and feel better about myself.

Right now though I still feel awful. Talking to Mama is like talking to thin air, she just didn't grasp that I purposely do not want to spend time with her, talk to her, be around her....

I want her to recognise that she's continually doing me harm. The funny thing is, if I sent her a link to this blog, she'd be like...

Errr yea I'll get to it, probably a year would pass and she'd be like, didn't you send me something, send it again?

The new random BB/P is probably reaching his limit with me, because I'm not flirting and I can't shake this downcast mood.

I think I'm losing my appetite but still munching because otherwise my stomach hurts like hell.

Comfort food is not healthy it's what I am doing right now. I'm still in post birthday month mood, so I ordered Chinese.

I've never tried or seen chicken wonton dumpling soup, I think it's been pork, I hope it doesn't contain red meat, but something different to try.

There was a discount so that helped. I'm trying not to repeat myself, certain themes are recurring and that's fine.

I'll always need to purge it when it crops up. Growing up I was told to swallow my needs and take care of everyone else's, whether they respected me or not.

So I find it really challenging to stick up for myself and say, Umm, this is what I need because usually, nobody cares frankly.

Mama received part of her gift, the truffles arrived and she called and texted to thank me.

I'm glad the phone was on the charger, so I didn't see or hear it.

I haven't gotten back to her. I don't want to sweep it under the carpet, even though I feel like I'm being selfish and over the top and spiteful for no reason.

Except there is a reason. I'm not ready to talk to her yet. It's just getting increasingly difficult to forgive and tolerate this despicable behaviour.

I'm not a priority and worse than that, she'd rather deal with tedium than get back to me.

It's like someone telling you all your life, I'm forced to deal with you but I'm not happy about it.

So what I'll keep doing is deal with everything minor, keep you waiting and then with no notice and consideration, demand you ignore everyone but me.

I don't care about your plans, your schedule, what else you are putting off, so you can visit me, none of that matters.

Just drop everything and do as I say and remember with anyone else, I'll be kinder.

I'll welcome give and take. I'll give them lots of notice but because I've always treated like a doormat....

I don't need to respect you because you'll always do what I say and not question it and give me grief about it.

That's how I feel and what's making this worse is my right leg is suddenly in oodles of pain walking around.

So physically and emotionally, I continue to feel bad. There's never any point talking to Mama.

But I hope deep down she idly wonders, if things are okay between us.

Silence seems petty but there is no damn closure. I reckon she would deny everything.

Actually she probably wouldn't even listen. I want to be over this mood and forget that family has always treated me this way.

That I've always struggled with my confidence and feeling good about myself, accepting myself as I am.

I want to cheer myself up and turn things around and then the other side is like....

Why bother, no-one will care, no-one will value you. Don't self improve, don't write, give up and stay lost.

I want to stay open to how my emotions are playing out. Good or bad.

It's important to vocalise them. I'm a lil all over the place, I get that.

Two sides of me are battling. Hmm this mood will pass when it's good and ready, not a second sooner.

Just have to add this in, the chicken wonton was delicious, lots of flavours, not too salty, was in the same chicken and noodle style soup.

I don't think there was that much maybe 4? But they were huge, like pierogis style pastry.

Soft and light and moreish. I'm happy I tried them, no red meat woop.

I know you're supposed to be sensible and not turn to food but honestly I feel so much better.

I just keep thinking this weekend at Mama's we usually have Chinese food so it was inevitable..

I wonder if the only way to feel better is to reply or call her but I'm still not ready.

I still have her number saved but I deleted the text chain conversation.

I think I'm so used to making things ok for her, letting her get away with talking to me/behaving around me callously, that it doesn't feel right to step back.

I've always bitten my tongue to protect her feelings, even though she doesn't do that for me.

At this point I'm afraid of what I'll blurt out.

#BlogLife895 - Witch's Insanity interrogation part thousand.. *rolls eyes*

To recap, the last I heard from Witchy was I can't recall if it was January or April?

But I do know that she said You didn't cooperate and give me what I wanted, aka the balance affecting statements....

Pfft I gave you the whole bloody statement, you're just too spiteful and lazy to go through it!!

Any excuse to rile me up and have a go at me. Anyway I just checked to see if I had any post and low and behold there was a letter.

Oh yea and the last thing she said was Wait to hear back regarding a final decision which will typically result in a fine.

I have to talk to my supervisor and this has been dragging on since October and I don't want it taking up anymore of my time.

Blah blah blah. But I've always seen through her, she takes months and months to give updates and it's always to say.....

Do this or that..... She has no intention of resolving this situation. Her goal in life is to stress me out.

Oh sorry also her other demand, (she said I had a choice, but I didn't), was to grant access to my entire bank history so fine, I did it.

Now today's condescending, letter asks yet more questions, to which I've answered already but yet still continues to interrogate me, saying reply by Thursday.

Um I just got it, so unfortunately have to go out next week, will probably do the library printouts too, or maybe an eyebrow shape.

I'm not sure, it depends how I feel but I literally had to go over some details with Mama, as I have a giant foggy memory.

All this is surrounding the time when I was recently released from hospital and I just blocked things out.

Even when I was recuperating at home, I felt I was going through the motions. I couldn't think straight for maybe a year or more?

I'm not sure, there were too many traumas. My brain just shut down and had enough and said Hey, rest, heal, cope as best as you can, forget the rest.

Also I was on a ton of medications, of which I just stopped taking after I while, they were driving me insane.

Paranoia and numbness was a lethal combination, plus I didn't want to get addicted, my family was full of druggies already, that would not be me!

The doctors were not happy, ha screw em, it was my body, my decision and my life.

And so because of all that, plus grieving, it's so hard to recall specific details, I'm struggling and she wants precisey, precisey.

I told Mama she reminds me of a diva Columbo, Just one more thing......... And that although I'm always polite to her, even though she is disrespectful...

In my head I keep repeating W W W W, witch! Mama has a theory that she's deliberately pushing my buttons to try and trip me up.

But I'm consistently telling the truth, I haven't deviated from that and that is why she gets angry and ridicules me constantly because in her mind, she wants a different outcome.

She wants me to lose my cool, shout back at her and confess to her version of what she believes is the truth, not the actual circumstances.

My life has been a horror show. I still get the feeling, she's waiting for the day, that I say.... Oh you got me, I didn't spend money on bills and groceries...

Actually it was tiaras, jewels, trips to Barbados, eating at the Ritz hotels, buying designer clothes...

Skiing vacations, I can't even think of anything else far fetched? Spas? 

VIP nightclubs? Cruises? Ok I'll stop but you see my point hopefully, that's why she keeps hounding me, she wants to hear all of the above, maybe all the previous people were like that?

Who knows, I will let the evidence speak for itself, the paypal and bank histories.

What actually happened, for anyone interested in facts.... Hmm I'm hesitating about sharing all the personal stuff, but maybe it will help...

Ok, here it is, my health conditions were starting to get worse, the pain was constant, I was struggling with walking and using my hands. My legs used to burn when I went anywhere.

But my Papa got sick and needed someone to take care of him, so I was nominated for this as I wasn't in employment.

It was a horrendous time in my life. I felt like I could barely function, let alone take care of someone else.

Bu I did what I could, only for people to jump down my throat and say I wasn't doing a good job, I was slacking off.

Because what I did, when Papa slept, I was shattered, my bones were killing me, I laid downstairs on the couch and slept and because I dared to rest, I was this useless carer and human being.

Let me mention the fact that I didn't get paid, he was really ungrateful and I didn't get fed either.

I was there maybe from 9am to possibly 7pm? All week. I ran his errands, made meals and most of the time, I wanted to weep, the pain was intense.

And I was starving all day. Mama insisted I pay rent, and then I had my own bills, yet she let the other two, run up debts in her name.

So I was lucky if I could afford to buy bread and sandwich fillings. I had a healthy appetite, even though I got called fat constantly.

And if you are wondering, when I would go out to buy my Papa's lunch and ask if he could pay for mine as I didn't have any money.

His reply was Sorry, I can't afford it! So even though I wanted to call him a liar, I accepted it and just went without eating all day.

So then suddenly food was an elusive luxury item. I went home exhausted each night, made a snack, watched television and then probably tried to sleep.

Then I've mentioned the rest, his brother and sister were after his money so they whispered in his ear, your daughter is stealing from you, confront her and kick her out.

And I got this devastating call. He was yelling saying I was this untrustworthy heinous person who was bad and unwelcome.

My parents were experts at painting me as this pathetic loser and finally I got so angry I snapped back.

Hard for me to do when I always feared the repercussions but enough was enough.

I sacrificed my time, my energy on looking after you, and you accuse me of this????

No I wasn't having it so I told him I didn't want anything to do with him unless he apologised and took it all back.

My friends were like Oh stop overreacting that's your parent but when you've been bullied and verbally abused all of your life, you get to a breaking point and you think Sod off!

I am a good decent helpful honest person. Why do I deserve abuse???

Eventually he did apologise and I said I forgave him because that was what was expected but I never thought of him fondly after that.

He trashed my trust in him and I was so damn frail to begin with. No self worth whatsoever.

Soon after he passed, I got the inheritance, I told the Jobby about it and then I landed in hospital fighting for my life, touch and go..... Intensive care, couldn't breathe or move.

And half the time I prayed for death, told the nurses I wanted to die and half the time, I felt guilty for abandoning my Mama, leaving her with her demon spawn.

So I was released from hospital six weeks later, paid off my debts. Won maybe my first proper prize, a beach hamper.

A year later was kicked out of home and lived in a hotel for a few months still on crutches.

A chunk of the inheritance went on the hotel fees and debts, the other was cab fares, I didn't really want to leave the hotel room and go outside, although I did get cabin fever a lot.

Then I moved in to my place and had to get cleaners, wooden flooring, blinds, furniture, and the utilities insisted I pay the previous tenants bills that he skipped out on.

So I ask you, is that a frivolous party lifestyle? Can you understand why I have a contentious relationship with both my parents??

I was forever hailed as the useless idiot overweight daughter. Too stupid to accomplish anything in their eyes.

Do you get now why I struggle to feel good about myself? Why I've worked so hard to be kind and supportive and boost my own ego?

Why I don't trust anyone? Why I never let anyone in or even close to me? Why I definitely do not date??

It took a lot of healing to get where I am now, and still I struggle.

Just one last thing that explains my love/hate relationship with my family.

Before she kicked me out, my Mama turned to me and said I blame you for your brother's behaviour.

You're a bad sister and that's why he is the way he is, stealing, abusive, hateful. It's all your fault.

You should have been a better person, a better example. She never once held them accountable, it was always me.

I was the despicable, evil, daughter/sister/human being. Do you know what it feels like to hear that constant disappointment?

To be looked upon as scum? Well that's what I grew up with, everyone piling on the hate for me, for simply daring to exist in their orbit.

It's no wonder I didn't want to exist either. That's all for today. I just don't want to think about it anymore, stay in the past where you belong.

Society seems to revere boys/men no matter how disgusting they are but women/girls are to be stepped on and humiliated.

That's why I want to champion females, lift them up, show them they aren't alone, their feelings are real and important and they can achieve anything they set their minds too.

If you are a female and you're reading this, You are a delight in any room you walk in too.

Hold your head up high, you are right where you belong :)

Why can't I stop adding to this post?

I think it's just slowly bringing up things I tried to forget.

As I spoke to Mama yesterday, I swallowed my irritation at something she said.

Oh I couldn't even mention lawyers/the incident/compensation to you.

I thought Do you know why??? I wanted desperately to forget, to cope, to battle the depression that was engulfing me from the inside out.

Each moment reliving it, panic attacks, shakes, waking up terrified I was still in that moment.

And all her friends wanted me to relieve an excruciating part of my life. Tactless!

But Mama wanted the compensation money to cover her debts that her sons bled gloatily ran up in her name proudly.

She didn't care how I felt, so after I had to go over it again with Police and lawyers, thankfully they said I didn't really have a case.

Inwardly I jumped for joy. Trauma is best left hidden until you have the strength to face it, Not when people bully you into it.

I could barely stand, walk or have it in me to face anyone, yet once again at my lowest point, I'm cornered and made to talk about what I went through.

And insensitive people congratulating me on living through it. I was a mess, that was the last thing I wanted to hear.

Living at home was still scary. The pain was unbearable and functions were limited, yet everyone wanted me to jump for joy.

To all of you that piled on to my self torture and self loathing...

Sighs, take a good hard look at yourself, think before you speak, be aware that battles are not always faced, conquered and finished with, some linger years/decades afterwards.

Don't expect someone to heal on your timeframe. Have some consideration people are protecting themselves and trying to focus elsewhere.

And for heaven's sake Ask what they feel comfy sharing, don't presume!!

You're doing more harm than good otherwise, take it from me, I'm still facing things as though it were a fresh occurrence.

Hopefully that's it and I can move on to today's post and not let brekkie/lunch get cold.

#LetterLife3 - Dear SS

Dear SS,

Just checking in as you seem quiet. I'm disappointed there wasn't a post on Thursday or Friday..

Dear Nosey,

I did intend to post but when it came to it, words failed me. I just couldn't muster anything so it remained half empty.

To be honest I don't appreciate the nagging guilt trip. I feel bad enough for being flaky and inconsistent. 

Dear SS,

Sorry that wasn't my intention, I was just curious is all.

Dear Nosey,

Sorry too. I didn't mean to be snappy. I just have stuff in the back of my mind that refuses to speak up.

Until now. I got stood up tonight for a chat date but that's not my concern.

Usually he'll mention something came up but tonight nothing..

I don't have proof but I suspect he's fabricating his single status and that's why he disappears a lot.

Although he does let me know first, he did offer me his number, that I called on witheld, ha I'm so sneaky.

Anyway that's a low priority. Tonight (Saturday), I saw that I had a missed call from Mama.

I don't even know if she's back. Ugh I'm kinda annoyed at that.

I can't call or text, that's gonna spike up her bill again.

She could have texted or emailed. She didn't reply to mine.

Emails are free, to say Oh I'm back or due to return blah blah..

I could have sworn she said she's returning in April and that she's missing Mama's Day, which is tomorrow. 

If I knew her status I could have sent a gift or food or something but I'm left to guess.

The lowest priority possible because I'm sure she's letting everyone else know her whereabouts.

Alright that felt good to let that out and stop repressing it.

I felt guilty for being mad at her, as though I don't have the right to feel the way I do but our dynamic remains difficult and askew.

Next I just feel like one of these days I'm going to be homeless.

I'll do or say the wrong thing and the landlord representative will boot me for being problematic.

What's next? One of these days, what if I am injured beyond repair?

What if the next time I fall.. I can't brace myself and get up again?

Or I sprain something and it doesn't heal and I lose the ability to take care of myself and function?

What do I do? I can't exactly talk my way into making it better.

Next up.. Because even though I can't hear these thoughts, when I write like this, the padlock springs open and the thoughts are clear as day!

Why do I make such a fuss over finishing the stories?

I guess I've never really felt heard and understood and storytelling needs that captivated audience.

I don't feel I have that, but in order to get that I need to complete more and more.

It's a catch 22 situation. Also what the hell do I know?

I've no knowledge of love and stability and healthy relationships or friendships.

I don't know if my fiction is realistic enough to pass as entertainment. 

I'm constantly pretending I know what I'm doing. I don't have a clue.

Why do people read my blog or stories? I have no earthly idea.

I keep waiting to improve my words. To be better at explaining things or to  compose something flawlessly.

I know it doesn't work like that. I can't just blink and be amazing, I have to keep trying.

I guess tonight I thought.. What's the point in it? If I just have this feeling, I'm not genuine.

I'll never be great at anything. I'm just lacking those skills.

It's 2.38am. I wanted to feel sleepy by now but my brain said..

Hey You, I'm finally ready to talk.. So I loaded up blogger and thought, what should this be?

Crazy Self Therapy? A regular post? Fiction? But then I realised, letters draw out the vulnerability the most.

And as nothing was clear, as soon as I decided, it poured out. All of it.

I can finally sleep. I hope..

#BlogLife846 - Is it hormones?

I feel a bit off today. I'd like to write but my brain is torn. I think I've been ghosted by another J, why do we even bother at this point? Ha

That's fine, it was like talking to a quizzer anyway, as though he googlied questions.

I prefer more stories less interrogation techniques. Anyway yesterday I heard back from Mama but instead of email, she texted.

And didn't say she was alright, just something impersonal instead, which doesn't reassure me one bit, that she is safe and not surrounded by physical or mental cruelty.

She probably wouldn't admit it anyway. At least she can have fun spoiling, fussing over a newborn.

I am just concerned that he will steal her money or try some sort of blackmail technique, like if you don't give me cash, you'll never see your grandkid again.

He's psychotic enough to do that, although she's given his inheritance already, he's squandered it and her savings have gone now.

But I don't trust him at all. Even without the drug use, he/both brothers have a screw loose.

They despise women and are comfortable with threats and violence to get their way.

Nice to others, but behind closed doors, I certainly grew up wishing I was never born.

I'll be relieved when she returns next month. I don't really want to push her for information.

And I'll be completely honest, you can hate me if you want but I have no earthly interest or curiosity about seeing my niece or nephew.

The spawn of the devil, is not my concern. Sorry but anything to do with him, I don't want to know.

When I'm stressed and I have nightmares taking me away from my serene place, it's always because family is present in the dreams, haunting me.

I feel fed up and irritated at the moment. I'm not sure why. Before I go to sleep, I try to think of a comforting place.

I try to hit pause on all the stressy things. I might take some deep breaths.

There is something else that is an overshare. It makes no sense.

When I escape to fantasy land, when I want peace and a way to cope...

I always pretend I'm with a good guy, that I'm getting to know, and he's doing the same.

I think about sex and intimacy constantly and sometimes I freak out, other times, it just seems to happen.

But in real life, I know that I would be guarded. Now that I've sorta come to terms with my childhood upbringing and traumas.

I can no longer pretend they didn't happen. I used too, as though it couldn't ever repeat the pattern.

Things are different now, every date that I go on in the future, if I let myself..

I'll have to face it that this guy can not only hurt me emotionally, but physically too.

Which mostly prevents me from doing it and saying Yes I'll meet you.

For me I can't imagine settling down and finding a life partner. It's too far fetched, having never successfully found a decent boyfriend.

Probably the most I would hope for, is to find a man to talk too, hang out but taking things very slowly.

Letting it unfold naturally instead of bedroom antics. One issue I have is that, it's been so long since I've done anything physical, what if I get carried away?

The other is, what if I have a breakdown? What if I burst into tears or start screaming?

Or get trapped in a massive panic attack and blackout? In all honesty, all those things probably won't happen.

I think I'll have the strength to say, You know what? That's enough for now.

I'm not ready to go any further or I need a minute. Eventually I'll have to explain myself.

Explain the hesitancy, explain why I don't trust anyone and explain why I'm not comfortable around men or why I can't opn up without being prompted or gently coaxed into it.

It's 2.20pm and I haven't had anything to eat or drink. Ugh I'm sick of having no appetite.

Is it really hormones? I have to fix myself something and watch a foodie video to kickstart my hunger.

All these things I have to do, just to be normal. Yeesh. I don't look forward to that conversation either.

Where do I start? Ugh I don't even want to do it for the blog. Most of my readers I expect know already.

Maybe it's not just about finding someone, maybe it's proving to myself I'm not entirely broken, I've managed to somewhat heal.

And I'm capable of loving and being loved?

#Bloglife769 - Love to L/Evil rationale

I offered to call L on discord and elaborate a bit more on the situation and on most if not all sites, I usually block the webcam and microphone options but I completely forgot about that.

So I missed her call and tried to return it but it said the mic is disabled, go to chrome settings to switch it and it was under security and site, I then just changed it to allow.

And boom but before all that, I just said I would use the mobile instead as all it asked was permission to use the mic, I clicked ok and the call was just instant.

She was clear, I was understood and we just talked for an hour, I was literally laughing and crying.

She is the best person, totally sweet and she definitely did make me feel less hopeless.

Like all is not lost. I appreciate that and her. I actually am hungry so I'm cooking some garlic bread, plain and hmm, either I'll pair it with some cod or maybe wings.

I think cod because, I enjoy that and at the moment, going off beef.

Those Gullon crackers things are sooo yummy, I bought 2 tubs, only because they are a £1 each and I can use it to feel my hunger pangs as it's a big tub.

It's actually a really bright and sunny day today, maybe that's a positive sign?

Oh yea I have flavoured ice poles, it's been too cold to eat them, but today is the right temperature.

I sometimes forget, that not everyone in this world is horrible. Today is a nice reminder of that.

I'm going to eat, watch Oh yea, the second season of Found is back, I started watching it and then got chatting to L.

Wanna watch it with me? That first new episode was great, whereas the second episode of High Potential seemed a bit slow.

I talked to Mama and she apologised for basically putting me into this spot.

Which I dismissed as I don't fully blame her, that's her son and she's unable to cut ties, but his influence on my life is devastating and continues to haunt me.

That part aggravates me because I repeatedly tell her, not to mention both of their names and any information regarding them.

But it's almost as though she does it on purpose, so that maybe I can sympathise with them?

I have no idea still, how both of them have a more elevated status to her, than I do???

I don't care about money, but an example of what I'm talking about, is that she gave them both an early inheritance and didn't leave me anything but will set aside the remainder of her savings.

I have never wanted anything from her, except to be treated as an equal.

So she said, Oh don't worry, he got his karma, because he was scammed out of money, from a housing investment.

And I thought, why are you telling me this? Do you expect me to pity him?

Do you think that makes it acceptable, what he has done to me? Are we even now? Is that how malice works?

Because he's suffering, somehow it's fine what he did to me, on purpose??

Getting me in trouble with the law and having all my savings taken and making me worry about not being able to survive financially or emotionally?

I didn't say anything of the above to her, I'm not intending to hurt her feelings but between you and me, I am angry.

I still feel like she gives them a free pass to treat me like crap and she's been doing that all my life and that's not alright.

It's as though she wants me to remain a doormat, that's how it feels, to constantly forgive them, or make her conscience clear.

I have no idea but like I said before as long as they are around, I fear for my life and sanity.

I know they will both always find ways to hurt me. They don't reside anywhere near me but their reach seems to extend to my mind.

The same as my entire childhood, I feel trapped and like there is no escape ever.

I continue to teeter on the edge. Sorry I just can't be perky at the moment.

I need to continue airing these feelings out, while I have access to my laptop.

My problem with her is that, although she didn't raise monsters, she taught us to respect others and be upstanding people.

She seems to brush all their wrongdoings under the carpet, but mine, she gloatily highlights them and knocks my confidence.

Oh and the icing on the cake, was when she said, Hmpff, well if he ever expects you to speak to him again, that will be his tough luck.

Excuseeeeee me?????? He's out to destroy my life and you think I have ever wanted anything to do with him?

You think even if he didn't do this, I would be buddy buddy with him????

Alright, admittedly, selfishly, I would prefer she cut him out of her life too, I wouldn't ask her or expect her to do that.

But at least I would feel a lil freer, than I do now. After all this is over and if by some lucky stroke, the damage isn't too bad..

I don't know how I'll feel about blogging/talking. I may just take a break from it.

Blogging is my necessity but I'm feeling emptier and emptier. I will see how it goes, I'm not positive or negative, just realistic.

Oh I think officially, both the housing benefit and JSA have stopped so if Universal Credit rejects my claim..

Plus I have to pay a fine. I can pay one or two more rent payments and then I'm broke.

I have an appointment on Friday and maybe I'll know more about my claim. Plus the letter would or should also arrive by then.

I can do the bank/paypal statements and send them off. My stomach is back to lurching but that could also be cramps.

#BlogLife671 - Crazy Self Therapy 9 - Me against the family

Doc, thanks for fitting me in, this is a bit of an emergency although I'm not sure I can put it into words.

Listen SS you don't usually force it, let it come out naturally as per usual, alright?

That is just the problem, I have to get it out, as soon as possible, today in fact, the stress and apprehension is too much to cope with, so many stirred emotions.

What exactly happened to get you into this state?

Truth? An ex part of the family said that he was going to plot so much trouble for us that we would appear as law breakers and be thrown in jail, all of us, unless we paid him money, lots and lots of money.

Wow! Could he do that? Why would he do that?

My fear is that he made it convincing and showed us the report and made us think, we were all going to be harrassed so much so, that we would make ourselves crazy or plead with him to stop and send him the blackmailed money.

This is almost unbelievable but then he has been in jail, has been in trouble with the law and is the criminal, that steals from others and abuses them constantly.

How are you coping, what are you going to do? Knowing that you have always tried your best to be someone who believes in treating others fairly and helping them?

I wanted to hold it together and shrug it off. I know that no-one in the family would comply and send him cash.

But I just felt helpless and weak and lost sleep and my appetite thinking any minute now, Cops will knock on the door and cart me off to jail because of him and his evil words.

Fear took over your rational mind, in other words and this is what he was banking on?

Absolutely. I just felt as trapped as I was, growing up with two devils who tarnished my whole world and made it a scary place.

What happened next?

My Mama said she was going to write him this long farewell forever email and block him, pfft, as if she knows how.

I thought, he is loving the attention and power over us. Just say one word GOODBYE! 

And he would lose his mind. I just thought I'm kinda sick and tired of all of them.

She keeps forgiving him and he keeps hurting us and I want to cut them out permanently for own sanity sake.

She called today and I looked at the phone thinking, ugh, I don't want to talk to you but I was curious about any developments.

In the end, I called her back and she said, Oh turns out, he lied and never filed any documents about us and that he wasn't going to torment us until we were all behind bars after all.....

You see now this is the part where I am supposed to be all relieved but to me, it just shows what he can do.

I bet she is already forgiving him and that's what I can't stand!

I angrily spoke my mind and said, Don't mention their names to me, either of them, they are evil, we are good, we make the world a better place and they have no part in it.

They are dead to me!!

She said alright but I know that she won't respect my wishes.

Which is why I am taking a break from her, or at least stepping back.

That is a lot to process so this is why you have felt so low and depressed?

I felt hunted once again as though he was holding a weapon and saying. I can end you anytime I want and there is not a damn thing you can do about it. Ha Ha Ha.

Listen to me SS. Hear me good. I know that you've always been bullied and tortured mentally.

I know that your family tried to stop you from succeeding and being positive and sharing.

But I also know that each day you managed to gather up courage and spread your gift with the world.

You write and open up to show others, some people have imperfect lives and childhoods and families.

Some people feel no-one can relate to them but you show, that you do.

You encourage them and support them the way your family, held you back and didn't.

Cutting ties as a parent is nearly impossible so perhaps you should cut her some slack, although I do know that you can be a fragile person also.

At least you spoke your mind and told her how you feel.

Thanks Doc but I'm still angry because the next time, this crap happens and it will....

I'm going to feel like saying.... Mama you brought this bs on yourself by keeping him in your life, so don't come crying to me about it.

Except I'm too kind to do that so I will keep it to myself but share it on here before I burst.

A part of me wants to protect her feelings and the other part is on the verge of snapping and telling her, like it really is.

But if I did that, I would be just as cruel and heartless as they are and I am nothing like them!

I don't know why she can't accept my truth about how they affected me, my lack of trust, the way I retreated from people.

But everytime I say I want nothing to do with them, she cuts me off and says Yea, Yea, Yea.

I don't think she's brave enough to ask me the question......Why??

As an adult woman of 45 years old I deserve to feel secure and protected from harm.

When am I ever going to be free?

#BlogLife667 - Ex family - You don't scare us anymore!

It's Saturday night and I'm relaxing, my throat is a lil dry and scratchy and I'm just about to get a drink, when I see I have a missed call.

Mama is frantic, she is being coerced into giving money, that she doesn't possess to the vile, younger ex sibling.

Of course she refuses as she is fed up with his anger, threats and entitlement, but it's way too late to make a stand.

She should have been way harsher with his money grabbing ass, a long time ago.

At least she finally admitted, that he stole money from her friend and it wasn't "gifted."

That if he dares to step back in the UK, he will be arrested and get thrown back in jail.

But as his wifey is pregnant, hopefully she will leave him soon. He wants a girl as a boy would grow up to kick his ass. (His telling words).

He doesn't want to be independent and work hard to earn a living, he wants others, to fund his lifestyle.

He told Mama to ask her wealthy friends to get a handout and she point blank said NO!

She at last got to the point where enough was enough. All the verbal abuse, game playing, cruelty and nasty attitude just made her snap.

So his parting shot was, I am out to get you and the siblings and I won't stop until I've accomplished that.

And she apologised to me, for having to deal with his wrath but I said there was no need, he just always wants attention and if you don't react anymore, he as a bully is powerless and alone and he deserves to be miserable.

What goes around, comes around!

Because you are all happy and careful with money, (we all learned to budget and he resents that).

He actually said, Why should I struggle, when you/they don't. It's become a personal vendetta.

I'm not surprised, he, both siblings are hateful human beings. I know that at least for me and Mama, we are flawed but trying to be helpful and give hope to others, who are struggling.

So am I scared? No. I don't really care what happens to me. I grew up afraid to live and talk and enjoy life.

There is just stress every day, my mind is tortured and my body is trying to be like everyone else and do everything without limits but it can't function.

I thought each day, today is the one, I'll get punched and beaten to a pulp.

Or I smiled or at least felt relief when I tried to kill myself. Some peace at last.

I've been sick since I was late teens/early twenties. There is constant pain, nausea, insomnia, panic attacks and exhaustion.

There is no-one I can open up to completely. I rarely go out and I typically only socialise with Mama now, although there is the occasional random on the spot mini date.

I love writing but it's a good and bad thing. Sometimes I feel I share too much and other times, not enough.

I guess I wanted to say, that if I disappear, it will not be by choice.

It will mean, that he finally got me.

Until then, I will just carry on and keep trying to be a good, decent person.

Oh the saving grace is that Mama is finally cutting him off for good.

He will have no-one to BULLY!

It's actually pretty funny that he said, I wished I hadn't repaid the debt to her (moi), as he needs the money.

But newsflash, he always needs money. For cars, holidays, labels and I suspect drugs.

I don't think he ever stopped taking them, no-one sane threatens the whole family with bodily harm habitually.

The private in-joke between Mama and me is that because he stole the money from me before and I begrudging paid his debt as Mama begged me too.

She paid me back soon after so really he was paying her back.

I couldn't care less what happens to me at this point. I'm struggling each day and if the worst happens so be it.

He actually said, we all collectively need to send him money. Ha!!!

I think the silver lining is, he can't say anymore hurtful things to Mama, he can't stress her or make her upset.

As he has been doing, over email, in her presence, over the phone, all of it.

All he knows how to do is Attack, belittle, depress and threaten other people.

I thought I was safe in my own home.... But turns out his reach is still present.

I don't know if I'll be around on Monday but I hope I will still follow my routine and not get scared/depressed.

Goodbye for now and thanks for sharing my pain, joy and laughter.

Be strong, even when you're afraid. Have hope, even when it feels like there isn't any.

And be safe :)

I care about each and every one of you.

X

#BlogLife618 - The family mood

Song of the day - Touch Me - Poonam Singh/Natural Black

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37-3k80VKsY&list=FLI0DEk_aDykRP0sJnme-JBg&index=1

When I'm surrounded by family I feel some repressed anger and resentments come out.

I feel I've spared their feelings enough and it's not nice but a part of me feels better for telling the truth as I see it because no matter how respectful I say certain things it's ignored.

I can only repeat myself so many times calmly before I snap. Mama has selective hearing and can be hurtful, meaning or not meaning too.

I just feel hormonal at present so that just makes everything worse I miss blogging so I don't think I'll post this but the others I have saved up.

On the whole we are getting on well but she brings up things which irritate me.

For example, lets load up your bags with leftovers when you leave and I have explained a million times, that my hands collapse with chronic pain with the strain of carrying heavy objects.

They crick, they get sore, they stiffen and the more I use them, I suffer a lot, so I avoid overloading them.

So spitefully, I just matter of fact retorted, Oh you know what I did when you filled my bags?

I threw all your food in the nearest bin and she was surprised but said Alright you don't need to take it with you.

What does she not understand about chronic pain?? I just get vex and vex and this time I did not apologise because I wanted it to hit home, that she is causing me physical pain and it's not great to deal with.

If it's prolonged pain, it can get to the point, where I can't use my hands at all without screaming in agony.

I do not want to reach that far. Why should I suffer needlessly to make her feel better??

She's well aware of my limitations and yet, it's the same argument over and over.

Enough!!

That really wasn't a big deal as confrontations go but I think another issue I have with her, is the other usual one.

My ears bleed hearing her praise the other two psychopaths as though they are good people, while my name is barely spoken in any depth or detail.

I've realised that although she's read past stories and enjoyed them, she hasn't read any of the latest ones.

Aka the BookLife set because as much as she claims to want to read them, she can't be bothered.

I feel like at least if she read some of the longer ones, she would get a better sense of me and my writing.

But I have too much pride to beg her and I really shouldn't have too anyway, is my feeling.

I think she's embarrassed of me being a writer. I don't think she respects that choice at all.

If I was a millionaire bestseller it would be different, she would have something to brag about.

I assume that's why she doesn't tell anyone. It's a dirty secret from her waste of space daughter, that's how she makes me feel.

But I'm proud of my abilities and happy that I have this gift. In person I may not be the most sociable, but in writing form, you can't get me to be silent ha :)

My good mood isn't shaken now that I've shared that with you, I feel better about myself.

I've never claimed to be the best, but I'm not talentless either!!

It's 11.26pm on New Year's Eve but I'm freezing cold and stiff so want to sleep soon.

Happy New Year to you and you and you :)

Have you tried the Terry's chocolate orange egg? I assumed I would hate it because of an orangey goo inside but it's nothing like that.

Just blended orange flavouring which is tasty. Plus we just sampled the Terry's snowball bar which taste similar to something else, that we can't recall.

No goo once again just a different sort of blend, I recommend them both. Not over-sweetened.

It's been a strange day, I went off meat and desserts just because of hormones.

I just opted for plain roti with butter for breakfast and dinner was a fried egg sandwich.

There were snacks in between like bombay mix, crisps, grapes, yoghurt.

Corfresh products were always seasoned well but over salted but the Gujarati Mix is yummy and mild, it just needed nuts added.

Oops I've been spelling that wrong all this time, it's Cofresh. My mistake.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll go back to less cramps and a better appetite.

I'm sorry that some themes are recurring but being at home with family, that's what happens.

I feel small and insignificant and have to build my self-esteem back up each time.

I do feel better sharing it and it's always better not to suffer in silence but it might make boring reading.

Which is why I'm still sprinkling BookLife and the Spoofs around, until I return home.

You may or may not have read them before but I feel it's all relevant and entertaining.