#BlogLife1132 - And a suitable response, would have been....?

I'm so glad the week is over. I just have to get through the uc meeting and then slowly get back to the stories.

Maybe I should treat them like the blog. I'm excited to write that. I can attempt to focus on the Christmas story every day.

At least a paragraph maybe?

I hate when I'm right. I checked my email and Mama's response was there.

I called it. She said, Sorry that she's been a bad Mama, that she didn't have the courage to discipline and kick them out.

That she does value/love me. That I'm the only one she enjoys spending time with.

And she hopes one day I'll forgive her. It makes me teary because it's empty..

It's the same speech she's always given. I wanted her to dig deeper but she's assuming an apology mends a lifetime of abuse and damage to my mental state.

This time, it just does not cut it. There is no self reflection

There is no.. The reason behind it was...

I'm sure that she does feel bad but how many times, can you just hear sorry and the disrespect continues??

I need time. I know that. She didn't address the assault or the cousins and I don't know why that bothers me.

But it does because it's once again being swept under the carpet,  like I fabricated it.

If that was me and I was responding, I would have two tabs open. The one with the sent email and the blank page to mention each and every single point raised.

So that person felt truly heard and understood and then I would add my personal input, that I respect everything you've shared.

Thats been built up over years. I'm glad you opened up, even though it really shocked me.

I just want to tell my side now. Then I will take my queues from you.

Anyway Yes I am starting to feel guilty for cutting off contact but not enough to resume it.

I matter too. I have been carrying this for years and I don't want to anymore.

We will be acquaintances but not family. I did not get what I needed.

And Yes I realise it was a lot I dumped on her but some of it, she already knew...

And sorry to say. I question if she read all of it or just cannot handle the truth?

No reaction to your only daughter being suicidal and assaulted? None.....

Does she realise how hard it was for me to talk about it? How vulnerable I felt?

The other concern is, it's my business. I'm very private, I know it's weird I have a blog but this is anonymous..

But she likes to blab and in no way, did she reassure me, she would keep it confidential.

So Yes, anger is beginning to take over. Once again, my needs are ignored.

I don't feel validated. I don't feel it's a safe space.

But since childhood, I've needed to have my say and I finally felt strong enough to do it.

I pretty much knew the reaction. I would get and it's not comfort.

I want to fall to pieces and be seen but I'll never get that from her.

She expects me to do what I've always done and forgive and forget.

No, not anymore. I am staying the child. The raw vulnerable child that was tortured and didn't have any way to stop it or speak...

You better come to terms with it fast, because the pleasing daughter, you once knew, is gone.

I am shedding light on the truth.

Now I better continue getting ready and put this to one side. It's enough for now.

My head needs a break.

I don't know why I have a fierce need to say this....

But I am not a liar, everything I've admitted was the truth. I feel as though, she's already thinking I'm exaggerating or seeking attention.

I have zero support and I am alone but for right now, it's a damn relief because I get to look after my needs that were neglected for so long....

Catering to your illusion!

Goodbye for now. I need to heal and be there for myself, because you can't or won't be my rock.

Take care but don't contact me.

Ps, Another really depressing aspect to this was just how much she supported and listened to outsiders, but not her own flesh and blood.

She is capable, she chose not too. Not to listen but to criticise instead.

#BlogLife1131 - Not preference, but reality

I had a nice chat with a random, don't ask the name. I can't remember and then 5x days later, ghosted.

I can understand when you don't mesh and it's an effort but we seemed to get along well.

But ok, if you don't want to talk. I block and accept.

I've just tried the Grill House tandoori kebabs, the long kofte ones.

It took about 20x minutes. I'd probably do it for a few minutes more.

I like the tandoori flavour but it could do with more herbs, that was the only seasoning that came through.

I still enjoyed it. Pricey. £4 for 5x kebabs.. I had intended to slice it up and put it on top of some cheesy garlic bread slices..

But as usual I was too hungry so had the garlic bread solo.

Oh by the way G finally delivered my Iceland order and he said Oh I haven't seen you in ages..

So I said Yea I've been cheating with other supermarkets, he just laughed and dropped off the bags.

I so wish I had asked the days he was working..

Ok that freaked me out. My phone rang and no number or name came up...

I ignored it and looked at the call history. It was Mama, of course.

I don't want to talk to her yet. It's weird. It's like I already blocked her but I haven't....

I wrote the above yesterday before I sent the email. If you're wondering how I am and if I regret it..?

No. This has been brewing since I was a teenager. I could not articulate any of it.

I had no voice or expression. Day by day the lil self esteem I had was chipped away.

How I felt can be summed up in this point. Imagine, wanting to speak and not knowing how?

It's such a basic thing. Late last night I blocked her on the phone.

This post summed up, me wanting to open up but it not coming out. Until I lived alone and was safe..

This post was so powerful for me to write. In 2017, the year I started blogger..

Highlighting my pain and depression. I think it was the first proper fiction piece.

I am so proud that I was able to say it. I don't know why but I love that line..

"The strands kissed my shoulders and then danced away."

I felt like I was saying to myself through the tears. Hey, this is you, finally writing, finally unearthing.

Go you. I love you so much :) I think I classified it as fiction because although it was real, it wasn't in the usual post style.

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2017/08/if-im-not-me-who-am-i.html

This other post, relives my assault. I finally faced it and when I said He/They..

I mean't my siblings who had bullied me and stole my happiness and safety and the person who committed the act, that I had to recognise happened.

In the end, it got to the point where. It had to be acknowledged. 

That was the only way, I could write it. All of it, I tried to erase but time ran out and it doesn't matter if I'm emotional, reading or writing it..

I have to try and heal.

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2022/05/bloglife266-he-he-he-they-broke-me.html

There had been no text or email. No acknowledgement, to even say..

I didn't know any of this. I do care but if space is what you need after sharing, we will talk in the future.

I have left email as her only recourse for getting in touch. If she chooses.

I think it actually finally dawned on me, when I had the courage to say it to her..

I don't need to know Why. For my health, I just finally want it to sink in..

This was my life and reality. The one you denied. Let it sink in, how vulnerable, depressed, suicidal and unsafe I felt.

Don't dismiss my childhood because it's shameful. Accept it all happened and empathise that..

Even if you felt powerless or obligated. You never once wrestled with confronting them or calling the Police to eject them.

As for my cousins who shattered my confidence.. I did tell you about that..

You said.. They probably don't mean it. You're family. You have to be close.

I admire them for how slim they are. I love how pretty they are. They are so approachable and friendly..

Why can't you emulate them?

With your son's and nieces.. Your attitude was.. You're overreacting to it.

It's not bullying. They are too sweet. It's their Mama's fault not them.

You should want to be like them and be slim. Why can't you lose weight and talk more???

Now do you get it? What I had to live with? And why I am so angry??

And why cutting her out, is not such a problem.

I care. I love her. But there's comes a time, when you think, I've been emotionally rejected and beaten by your attitude, once to often.

It's time for you to face the consequences of your words and actions.

I was broken in pieces and so fragile and only in my 30s/40s was I able to finally face you and reveal everything. 

Whether you like it, accept it or ignore it. This is me.

I have spent decades undoing the damage. Learning how to like and love myself.

That my needs matter.

That what I think is important too.

Lastly I have grown to be a beautiful, flourished, accomplished woman.

Who talks and who people listen too and admire.

I don't hate myself. I don't think I'm dumb. I'm kind to myself and others.

Sounds vastly different to the shy girl, who just wanted to be loved, respected and listened too, with care.

Im sorry you finally have to face it. But the weight is off my shoulders.

Despite you and your family trying to make me insecure and change me..

I turned out great. Never in love. Never surrounded by friends.

But you know what??

I'm true to myself. That's a kind of happiness about not living a life in denial.

Moving forwards. I don't see our relationship being evolved.

I can't see you discussing it deeply. I could be wrong..

It will be civil and friendly but empty.

I finally get to break away of the fake version of life, that you revel in.

I can breathe again and get on with life.

#BlogLife1130 - Crazy Self Therapy 11 *Updated*

If you're a new reader, I'll just explain. I'm not in therapy. I don't trust anyone to open up to them.

So for my sanity sake, I pretend to be the Doctor and patient. It's something that works for me..

Hi SS. Welcome.

Hi Doc. I want to explore something. What if I told Mama the truth and she still didn't care?

I don't want to hurt her feelings but it keeps spinning around in my head.

The reason I don't say anything, is if after she heard everything and dismissed it or said she didn't believe me..

I think that would be the final straw, to walk away permanently.

I've just been thinking how peaceful it would be to break that tether and be free.

Don't you think that's extreme? Wouldn't you regret it?

I've gotten to a point where the stress is burying me. I feel stagnant like I'm holding back or waiting for the next disaster..

I can't write. I can't concentrate. I am floating but shackled and my head keeps disappearing underwater.

Let me be the objective one then. What are the pros and cons?

Well, if I told her, that would make me feel heard and less blocked.

On the other hand, she barely listens and is quick to pretend I haven't shared something vital, because it doesn't fit her rationale.

What is your desired outcome?

What am I even expecting??? I think validation. That how I feel matters to her.

I think I want her to take responsibility for her poor decisions. That had a devastating impact on my life.

As an adult. I will take care of my wellbeing, safety and choices.

But as a child, that was not in my control.

It's not something I can get over until she owns up to her part.

Do you wish she would self reflect and not make empty statements without real confessions?

All she says is that she was a bad parent and did the best she could.

On the surface, that is a step but there is never anything added to explain why? Never!

Do you feel it's a cop out?

I actually do. I've let her get away with so much. By saying that, she relinquishes her guilt without personal growth..

That is what ticks me off. I've worked on myself and don't mind admitting my flaws and wrongdoings, why can't she?

How would you do it? In person? Over the phone? In an email or text?

I don't think I could do it in person. Too public. Probably an email or text messages.

What would you say honestly?

Dear Mama,

Only read this while you are free. Not listening to music, not on a phone call, not cooking, not in company.

Thank you.

This is really hard to say, which is why I need your undivided attention.

For the longest time I have questioned our relationship and what I am getting out of it.

I grew up in an unsafe environment, fearing each day for my life.

Being bullied and threatened, while you stood by and did nothing, or not enough to ensure my mental and physical safety.

I hated my life and my body and my personality.

The truth is, my siblings weren't the only bullies. You became one, when you fixated on my weight and personality and compared me to other bullies, who you worshipped!!

You never once made me feel I was good enough as I was.

I was so depressed, so full of self disgust, so trapped, that I tried ending it, over and over, just to get an escape.

I let men I dated say the most vile disgusting things to me, in the hopes that one day, they would care.

I went out, hoping to disappear into the world and never have to come home again.

When I was 17 years old. I was sexually assaulted. I was a virgin and all I wanted was someone to love me and accept me for who I was and who I would become.

A part of me permanently died. I realised I would never ever feel safe again in male company.

That's why I don't date.

You want to know why I didn't tell you? You would blame me, the victim.

I tried so hard to stick up for myself and face the threats of violence but I was too afraid.

You didn't protect me. You blamed me for all they did wrong.

I am 48 years old and I can never be vulnerable around anyone.

I can never let anyone close to me.

I don't trust anyone!

You taught me, who I was, wasn't appealing. I grew up believing I was unlovable.

So why am I telling you all this? Why now? Honestly, I don't know if I want a relationship with you anymore.

You don't listen. You don't respect my boundaries. You talk about them, the cousins, your sons, like they are innocent.

You tell me to get over it. I'm cold hearted. I'm stubborn....

In your eyes, I'm to blame. You see them as misunderstood.

Never once have you seen it from my point of view.

I tell you, not to mention their names or anything about them.

You gleefully praise them and admire them.

That tells me. You don't care about my needs and you sure as hell don't respect me.

Why should I revere and respect you???

Or want to talk or spend time with you?

I've stopped caring about protecting your feelings. I'm looking out for myself.

Don't you dare make anymore promises or statements, you can't keep.

My health is getting worse and worse. The only thing I've wanted is peace of mind.

With you out of my life. I'm that much closer to it.

Goodbye (for now or permanently)

It depends on how you act from now on...

Wow! That was a lot. I wasn't expecting so much brutal honesty.

If it's something you need to do..

It's not for me to say your next steps. Once you send it, there is no going back.

It's brave though, talking to a brick wall..

It might take some time to take it in. You need to be patient.

So I tweaked the ending, told her not to discuss it with anyone and said I need a break from her.

But it's emailed. My phone's off and I need silence.

#BlogLife1097 - Shut up shut up shut up!!!

As much as I'd like to ignore this, I fear it will eat away until I address it..

So today went smoothly, bar one part of the conversation which just plain vexed me but I as usual had to swallow my irritation because the sun and moon seem to shine out, when she talks about her sons.....

The bullies, terrorisers that I grew up with. Once more she's waxing lyrical about how benevolent they are and I want to scream NO they are monsters....

Why do you insist on bragging about them to me??? I ask no follow up questions, I hold zero interest...

Yet she continues on like they are saints..... How funny, they continually borrowed/stole money from you!!

Hell I'd rather starve than be irresponsibly, running to you for handouts, on things I do not need!

Yet, they say, Oh make sure you treat SS well, she deserves it....

Oh piss off!!! I don't know where the fuck, this saint act came from.....

But I remember the real person..... The one threatening violence....

All the time criticising, calling me an idiot, silencing me, day in and day out...

Now suddenly, you're the good guys??? Go to hell!!

I wasn't the screw up. I wasn't the cause for the Police visits!!

She just went on and on, as though all those memories of my childhood are magically erased as though they didn't happen.

As though how I felt, like the self loathing and disgust, I felt for myself, didn't happen...

Always questioning, why everything I thought and said must be wrong...

Why else would I be mocked? Ridiculed to the point, I stopped talking in school.....

Where the only solution, was to take myself out and not exist anymore...

That would be better, no silly, dumb, unattractive, fat SS, getting in everyone's way........

She is so unapproachable for the deep stuff. One step forwards, two steps back.

The point is, I finally respect how I am, how I feel, it is important but she doesn't!!

It's getting harder to ignore and forgive.

I just had to vent, please excuse the bad language but when I'm mad, I am mad and no-one will censor me, not even me.

I need my voice, I need to be able to express myself in peace.

I wrote the fan and body butter reviews on Amazon, hopefully they will help someone save money.

I always love neutral reviews. No-one likes wasting money.

Strange the Iceland order was due 10-12pm but it's nearly 11am and it's not even out for delivery.

There's been no text to say G or someone else is delivering it..

Hmm, I hope it shows up, there's no call or text, saying there is an issue...

I hope G delivers and no sign of the stationary prize yet. The postie has come and gone and no knocks...

Ugh what an ordeal that was, new driver, argumentative, refused to listen to instructions, talked over me, did apologise afterwards.

But cripes, I kept saying Ouch, ouch, down the phone, having to put my boots on to step outside to further direct him..

Only for him to once again, argue and say I was outside, didn't you see me?

Lies!!! If you were there I would have spotted you. So stressful, arguing with males..

My back is now hurting! Anyway, the whole point of bloody online shopping, is that it gets delivered to your door!!!

I'm kinda irritated today as you can see. I don't appreciate being ignored!

Time to munch leftovers and during the week, I have new things to try...

The R Whites, lemonade and raspberry ice poles, 8x £1.75. They are still sold out of the ginger chicken, which is amazing, so not surprised..

I saw some Chinese sticky chicken to try, 400g bag for £4, I don't think that was part of a deal...

Should be interesting in a sandwich or as a snack. I should have looked for sticky rice.. Oh well..

#BlogLife1055 - Waiting on nitwits........ All day disrespect

Ha, I said I was going to leave the cleaning until the morning and then I thought the sun has gone down, there's only a bit to wipe, sink and the tub, why not just do it?

That's exactly what I did, somehow found the energy and then took out the bins.

I was going to change the duvet but then there will be a pile of washing left out.

I've done enough. There's still a soreness lurking. I'm glad I did it. Tomorrow I might see if there's anything else before they arrive and then that will be it.

Mind you, they might leave a mess and their trash, which sometimes happens..

I'm all done, I should have actually mopped the floor but there is no way I have it in me. It's all presentable, just not spotless.

I slept quite off and on so maybe a few hours and then woke up before the 7ish alarm.

I just want it over and done with then I can relax, eat and be normal for the weekend.

My eyes feel so much better with the eye drops, maybe the saline will come tomorrow..

It's only 9amish. Two hours I've been up and they could come at anytime before 12pm, unless they run late...

I was hoping they would be here by now. Time is going too slowly.

Hmm it's nearly 11.30pm. Have they forgotten? There's still no texts, emails or calls...

They could have been done by now. What was the point of me waking up at 7amish??

I'm drained. I can't even concentrate. I can't turn on the heating or close the windows, even though it's chilly...

If I do when they get here all the windows will be open and I'll catch a chill.

Luckily the blankie is nice and toasty. I can't munch because I don't want to open the door all messy..

I can't nap incase the phone/door buzzes.. I can't change either, even though it's nearly 2pm.

2 hours late! At what point do I give up? I've got no appetite.

Alright just stop everything. It's just gone 3.33pm so over 3 hours and that's it.

I'm done. I'm going to eat and chill and they can go jump off a cliff!

I'm going to try that truffle pasta thingy.

You know what's funny? Being distracted and then not realising, I still had the heated blankie on, when the sun is raging and hot now. Oops.

Holy moly the truffle chicken macaroni pasta is delicious. It has zero truffle taste woop woop.

It's elevated seasoned up mac and cheese, that's what it is, I thought I would hate it, but it's wonderful.

The Muller Mississippi mud pie is not great. The yoghurt part is fine, toffee, coffee, more coffee..

But the other side is like a dry bitter biscuity and it's not sweet enough and not exciting to eat.

That I assumed I would love but I don't, crazy day. I'm glad I munched but that's my limit for today.

Oh one last thing, so it was mostly a good chat with Mama until the end...

One of the siblings asked at what point did I finally start talking in school?

And the whole conversation took a nasty turn because although I don't remember it.

I know why I didn't talk. At home constantly criticised and told to be silent.

I thought I was an embarrassment to myself and representing my family.

Idiots shouldn't talk blah blah blah.. 

And I thought really Mama? You're making a joke and laughing at this?

A traumatic childhood is amusing to you? The fact that I hated myself and thought there is nothing positive about me???

For decades is not a joke. You're bringing up his name and once again, I am the butt of everyone's mockery.

I was half tempted to tell her straight....... The reason I didn't talk was that I believed I was dumb!!!!

That was hammered into me at home, on a daily basis. Did you conveniently forget that??

Anyway I've touched on this so many times, she will never change and wise up.

Heaven forbid she do some soul searching or inner reflection, and even if she does, it won't last.

I don't want to be bothered by it this time, so I'm writing it out and getting rid of it.

Err unfortunately my brain has other ideas and it keeps replaying it in my head over and over.

And I was trying to figure out why? And then it came to me. It's like she wanted a daughter but didn't.

She didn't want my personality, she wanted her bubbly niece's. That's why she continually compared me to them and said...

Why can't you be like them? Skinny, popular, confident, friendly. (She didn't name the traits as such but it was loudly implied).

She conveniently ignored their obvious defects, which was disrespectfulness, being unkind, bullying and a shatterer of confidence.

And I always wondered why, she only saw the good in them, yet only saw the negative in me?

It gave me the biggest complex........ Why am I so unappealing? What's wrong with being myself?

So her view of me, plus my siblings and cousins and Papa and friends made me think Wow, nobody will ever love and respect me for being me, because they keep harping on about my inadequacies so it must be true right???

I just had to shut out and silence all their hatred in order to love myself and know I deserved better treatment and care.

I don't know but I think I needed that reminder today. No matter how arrogant I pretend to be, just to feel semi ok and normal.

When family brings it back...... It's like they are saying it's obvious, You are not one of us.

We barely tolerate you and don't accept you, remember that....

Why can't I just have the good relationship I crave, instead of a bitter one?

At this point I'm glad Mama's is off on her holidays for 2 months. I need a break from her, like she excels on ruining good times.

I just don't want to speak to her or wish her safe travels, I'm too angry.

By the time she comes back, I'll have simmered. I think what's also infuriating is that, even if I said, You of all people know what our home life was like.

Because she gleefully pointed out to all the Teachers, she's fine at home, talks normally.....

She doesn't need extra help or special attention..

Yea even if I said the older sibling in particular told me to shut up, every singe time I talked....

She would have found a way to negate and say, well it was only a few times or I've forgotten or I think you're exaggerating, it was a joke......

I don't feel heard and validated to say my childhood and your version do not match up.

And even though you don't agree with mine, I need you to accept it and realise my reality was real to me.

She'll never give me that closure though. She acts like I should be over it and mentions their names, without filtering or sparing my feelings.

I know I'll eventually snap and blurt out home truths about trying to harm myself.

And the real reason I don't date and the fact that I feel unattractive on the outside and inside..

Plus my confidence fluttering, one minute I'm good and the next just feel I can't do anything successfully....

Or the fact that, the only way I knew I would survive life was to stop hating myself and fight my mind against layer and layer of being despised in my surroundings.

But it took years and years before that happened and I wasn't sure I had it in me or even wanted to live and put up with it.

I know my faults and as negative as my family is...... I want to show someone in the same boat as me, that there is positivity out there.

There is a way out of the darkness, it just takes time, healing, patience, self love and purging your soul from toxicity.

Ok sorry you had to read all that but I had to say it and get rid of it.

#BlogLife1025 - It's me isn't it? Always the cause..

Cripes I was hoping my brain would let this go, same crap, different day, yeesh.

Why can't I ignore it? Why do I let it penetrate my psyche? My good mood?

One lil sentence and I'm all riled up, the rest of the conversation falls on deaf ears....

Pfft. I was talking to Mama, and of course she brings up the two sibling nitwits I've repeatedly asked her not to mention.

I wish she wasn't so thoughtless and cruel. I wish she had empathy for someone other than her friends, like me for example.

She said one is going travelling with her, I couldn't care less, in April, she's off to see family in a few different countries, good for her, she's happy when she's jetsetting.

I just don't need to hear about the companion and then she said Ah got the new phone, I'm giving the old one to him....

I know you don't like him but as he's got a family now, he's must have matured......

Good grief she puts it all one me, all the blame, all the cause. Fricking hell I am so angry.

Why does she do that?? There are lifelong reasons for my hatred!!

WTF! All my pain, fear, lack of self worth is nothing to her. The fact that I wanted to disappear, the fact that I punished myself for being unlovable....

Certain things I will struggle to forgive her for.. The lack of being able to talk, share, get close to anyone, routinely knocking my confidences, day in and day out...

Mama you are one heartless person. You destroy me, you really do!

Why do you never choose your words carefully? Why should I be just an afterthought??

You have such care and consideration for others, yet you treat me like crap!

I'm sick of going over this but until I write it and share it, it lives in my head and I can't escape the bitter distaste.

You choose to alienate me and maybe I've finally worked out the reason why.......

You want me to make it acceptable, you're waiting for me to apologise and say, Actually I deserved it, it was all my fault..

Screw that!

Go to hell!!

I'm not going to blame myself anymore.

And I don't care about your justifications, or that time has moved on, or that you want to think of yourself as a better parent than you actually are.

I am sick of all of it.

I grew up blaming me and you allowed and encouraged people to treat me like dirt.

Why? Because you had no bloody backbone, therefore I couldn't develop one either.

I should be normal, I should want to be around others but half the time, I can't even bloody speak.

I am racing out the door to rush home to feel safe! My mindset, my go to is always going to be to deflect and keep people at a distance.

Be tough and aloof and not permit them close enough to wound me because half the time, I barely feel able to stand, physically and emotionally.

How can I lean on them? I can't even share the basics. Plus that voice in my head, saying...

You're an idiot..... Guess where I learned that mentality from...

#BlogLife963 - Quietness

I know I'm supposed to be a chatty blogger but it's difficult at present, there's too many things swirling in my mind, so I've retreated.

The landlord's bugging me about this boiler non mandatory appointment, they say reach out only if you're free and yet bombard you anyway.

If I don't need to have male strangers in my home I won't volunteer and what if there is a creepy bunch of them??

No thank you!!

I wanted to do a grocery shop for tomorrow but as they are lurking aggressively unannounced I'll save it for the weekend, usually they don't come around then.

I could agree and get it over with but I'm not feeling charitable, I feel tender and vulnerable.

Not in the mood to be around people. 

My hands/arm and shoulder keeps being restrained. That's why I don't want to type.

I'm struggling doing things like stretching or holding things and saying Ouch, ouch, ouch.

I can deal with the emotional stresses but the physical aches take their toll on me.

It just feels like I'll never be normal and have a pain free day. It's almost 2pm and I should eat.

At least Looney Tunes is starting the new event soon, that's just a relaxing highlight.

Once I start blogging, I don't usually like to take a break, until I'm done.

Things with Mama are still strained. I think I'm just angry with her and tired of letting her off the hook.

What I can't seem to shake is the fact that the siblings and both my parents got away with mistreating me constantly.

It's the fact that she let the siblings torture me and never sat them down and made them accountable or punished them.

Her retribution was solely directed at me. You should know better, it's your duty to forgive, this is on you, blame, blame, blame.

I'm hard enough on myself as it is but growing older is making me reflect.

Before I was too scared to speak and now it's built up internally.

Their behaviour isn't right. I don't know what to do with these feelings as talking to her, isn't satisfying.

There is no closure because she won't admit fault. It's like she'll hear me and then carry on doing the same thing.

What is the point? How do I get over it or come to terms with the horrors of my past?

I forgot I had another noodle pot of the fuel snacks. This time was the chicken, as the cupboards are mostly bare, reluctantly tried it.

Not good either, dry and powdery is the taste. I do not recommend them at all, worst noodles I've tried.

#BlogLife950 - Disliked for my gender?

Dear Moi,

As usual I would have loved more sleep but 9amish was when I really woke up properly and that was it. 

P told me he injured himself and is getting checked out, nothing major and he's in good spirits, still hope he's ok though and I appreciated him telling me.

It got me to thinking of the silliest but excruciatingly painful incident that happened when I was pre teen..

The door rang and for some reason I was so excited to get it. I don't recall who it was and why I was so giddy but I ran barefoot and somehow smacked into the door and chipped a bone in my lil toe.

I didn't even get to open the door, I just hobbled back hopping in agony and what sticks out, is the lack of compassion or sympathy..

As my Mama said, it's your own fault, you brought this on yourself. I remember thinking I am in so much pain, probably crying at that point and you can't even be nice to me...

Looking back I don't recall any instances where she was hyper critical to my male siblings, it was just me and there is a long pattern of blame and disgust for me being human and making errors.

When I was on my first weight loss journey, there wasn't many options that were affordable in the stores, so I tried on a jacket maybe and it was an inch too small.

She looked so repulsed at me with a grunt. The implication being, Cripes, Why are you like this? Why can't you be skinny like the other females in the family?

I felt so low and I think the self loathing was already present but there was anger and resentment that I couldn't express because she was the one that was obsessed with my weight and gave me a complex in the first place.

I felt like I could not get her approval until I began to skip meals, exercise all day and was fainting a lot.

The reason I am calling it a gender issue is because she compared me to her favourite nieces that were skinny and popular but also my siblings that were male and popular..

My siblings were nasty human beings to me, bullied, threatened and made me a terrified silent shell of myself.

But because they were popular, they were admired and celebrated. 

I was sensitive and struggled to communicate with anyone, so forming attachments was too challenging and still is, as I get used for my kindness and then ignored when I need something.

This still weighs on my mind as it is ongoing. The fractured relationship with my Mama has less appeal to be repaired.

I like being a woman, I mostly do like myself but I have gotten to the point where family or not, I think I would rather be alone in life than being critiqued and feeling like I'm barely seen or tolerated.

What is it about me, that causes distaste? 

Yes I make mistakes, Yes, I'm sensitive, Yes I'm unable to form friendships or relationships because I can't stand being vulnerable or talking or opening up around others, only in safe written form. Anonymously.

Were you expecting me to be a perfect doll? Pretty, skinny, well adjusted, popular, confident and outspoken? 

I wonder if both my parents would have preferred their only daughter to be male, I'm beginning to realise that's the way it appears..

Disgusting behaviour, rudeness and arrogance were favoured because what? They had a lot of friends and were ambitious to the outside world?

But behind close doors...... Shouting to get their way, intimidation, silencing and thievery happened.

Did my parents look back and genuinely think, You know what the bad traits we can tolerate and forgive but our daughter we can not..

She is not like us, she does not belong in our family. She is anti social, not trusting, doesn't have friends, is pathetically long term sick and has no ambition or purpose in life.

That is inexcusable to us, We will show out distaste for her and revere the males as they represent us favourably.....

It's funny to me, my eyes are watery admitting all of this because you emotionally stole the confidence out of me.

Yet you wanted me to be better and stronger, it backfired on you because I felt kicked when I was utterly defenceless.

Your sons made me unable to trust anyone. Especially any males.

Yet you kept saying, ignore it. You kept saying Don't eat too much. You kept saying/implying Who you are, isn't good enough.

I know nobody will ever love me for me, only I will accept myself as imperfect.

I know I am good enough as I am but I failed to meet your impossible standards and I don't want to serve myself up anymore for your inspection.

You, my family are the cause of staying invisible for most of my life and I'm sick of the living in the shadows..

I want to walk in the daylight proudly and be seen and accepted and respected. Is that too much to ask?

#BlogLife917 - Unwanted

I don't really want to talk, I want to bury my emotions but my brain is super chatty and doesn't want to listen.

This word, unwanted is circling around and around. It's saying to me, Listen even your own family doesn't want to be around you.

It's hurtful, it makes me sad and depressed and just I guess that feeling of being unlovable returns..

Like hell, something about me is just sooooo disgusting that no-one is ever going to care about me, let alone love me.

I cannot get rid of it, and the worse people treat me, the more it reinforces that belief.

But at least the tears are coming out freely and that's what I was after because later on, hopefully I'll start to heal and feel better about myself.

Right now though I still feel awful. Talking to Mama is like talking to thin air, she just didn't grasp that I purposely do not want to spend time with her, talk to her, be around her....

I want her to recognise that she's continually doing me harm. The funny thing is, if I sent her a link to this blog, she'd be like...

Errr yea I'll get to it, probably a year would pass and she'd be like, didn't you send me something, send it again?

The new random BB/P is probably reaching his limit with me, because I'm not flirting and I can't shake this downcast mood.

I think I'm losing my appetite but still munching because otherwise my stomach hurts like hell.

Comfort food is not healthy it's what I am doing right now. I'm still in post birthday month mood, so I ordered Chinese.

I've never tried or seen chicken wonton dumpling soup, I think it's been pork, I hope it doesn't contain red meat, but something different to try.

There was a discount so that helped. I'm trying not to repeat myself, certain themes are recurring and that's fine.

I'll always need to purge it when it crops up. Growing up I was told to swallow my needs and take care of everyone else's, whether they respected me or not.

So I find it really challenging to stick up for myself and say, Umm, this is what I need because usually, nobody cares frankly.

Mama received part of her gift, the truffles arrived and she called and texted to thank me.

I'm glad the phone was on the charger, so I didn't see or hear it.

I haven't gotten back to her. I don't want to sweep it under the carpet, even though I feel like I'm being selfish and over the top and spiteful for no reason.

Except there is a reason. I'm not ready to talk to her yet. It's just getting increasingly difficult to forgive and tolerate this despicable behaviour.

I'm not a priority and worse than that, she'd rather deal with tedium than get back to me.

It's like someone telling you all your life, I'm forced to deal with you but I'm not happy about it.

So what I'll keep doing is deal with everything minor, keep you waiting and then with no notice and consideration, demand you ignore everyone but me.

I don't care about your plans, your schedule, what else you are putting off, so you can visit me, none of that matters.

Just drop everything and do as I say and remember with anyone else, I'll be kinder.

I'll welcome give and take. I'll give them lots of notice but because I've always treated like a doormat....

I don't need to respect you because you'll always do what I say and not question it and give me grief about it.

That's how I feel and what's making this worse is my right leg is suddenly in oodles of pain walking around.

So physically and emotionally, I continue to feel bad. There's never any point talking to Mama.

But I hope deep down she idly wonders, if things are okay between us.

Silence seems petty but there is no damn closure. I reckon she would deny everything.

Actually she probably wouldn't even listen. I want to be over this mood and forget that family has always treated me this way.

That I've always struggled with my confidence and feeling good about myself, accepting myself as I am.

I want to cheer myself up and turn things around and then the other side is like....

Why bother, no-one will care, no-one will value you. Don't self improve, don't write, give up and stay lost.

I want to stay open to how my emotions are playing out. Good or bad.

It's important to vocalise them. I'm a lil all over the place, I get that.

Two sides of me are battling. Hmm this mood will pass when it's good and ready, not a second sooner.

Just have to add this in, the chicken wonton was delicious, lots of flavours, not too salty, was in the same chicken and noodle style soup.

I don't think there was that much maybe 4? But they were huge, like pierogis style pastry.

Soft and light and moreish. I'm happy I tried them, no red meat woop.

I know you're supposed to be sensible and not turn to food but honestly I feel so much better.

I just keep thinking this weekend at Mama's we usually have Chinese food so it was inevitable..

I wonder if the only way to feel better is to reply or call her but I'm still not ready.

I still have her number saved but I deleted the text chain conversation.

I think I'm so used to making things ok for her, letting her get away with talking to me/behaving around me callously, that it doesn't feel right to step back.

I've always bitten my tongue to protect her feelings, even though she doesn't do that for me.

At this point I'm afraid of what I'll blurt out.

#BlogLife895 - Witch's Insanity interrogation part thousand.. *rolls eyes*

To recap, the last I heard from Witchy was I can't recall if it was January or April?

But I do know that she said You didn't cooperate and give me what I wanted, aka the balance affecting statements....

Pfft I gave you the whole bloody statement, you're just too spiteful and lazy to go through it!!

Any excuse to rile me up and have a go at me. Anyway I just checked to see if I had any post and low and behold there was a letter.

Oh yea and the last thing she said was Wait to hear back regarding a final decision which will typically result in a fine.

I have to talk to my supervisor and this has been dragging on since October and I don't want it taking up anymore of my time.

Blah blah blah. But I've always seen through her, she takes months and months to give updates and it's always to say.....

Do this or that..... She has no intention of resolving this situation. Her goal in life is to stress me out.

Oh sorry also her other demand, (she said I had a choice, but I didn't), was to grant access to my entire bank history so fine, I did it.

Now today's condescending, letter asks yet more questions, to which I've answered already but yet still continues to interrogate me, saying reply by Thursday.

Um I just got it, so unfortunately have to go out next week, will probably do the library printouts too, or maybe an eyebrow shape.

I'm not sure, it depends how I feel but I literally had to go over some details with Mama, as I have a giant foggy memory.

All this is surrounding the time when I was recently released from hospital and I just blocked things out.

Even when I was recuperating at home, I felt I was going through the motions. I couldn't think straight for maybe a year or more?

I'm not sure, there were too many traumas. My brain just shut down and had enough and said Hey, rest, heal, cope as best as you can, forget the rest.

Also I was on a ton of medications, of which I just stopped taking after I while, they were driving me insane.

Paranoia and numbness was a lethal combination, plus I didn't want to get addicted, my family was full of druggies already, that would not be me!

The doctors were not happy, ha screw em, it was my body, my decision and my life.

And so because of all that, plus grieving, it's so hard to recall specific details, I'm struggling and she wants precisey, precisey.

I told Mama she reminds me of a diva Columbo, Just one more thing......... And that although I'm always polite to her, even though she is disrespectful...

In my head I keep repeating W W W W, witch! Mama has a theory that she's deliberately pushing my buttons to try and trip me up.

But I'm consistently telling the truth, I haven't deviated from that and that is why she gets angry and ridicules me constantly because in her mind, she wants a different outcome.

She wants me to lose my cool, shout back at her and confess to her version of what she believes is the truth, not the actual circumstances.

My life has been a horror show. I still get the feeling, she's waiting for the day, that I say.... Oh you got me, I didn't spend money on bills and groceries...

Actually it was tiaras, jewels, trips to Barbados, eating at the Ritz hotels, buying designer clothes...

Skiing vacations, I can't even think of anything else far fetched? Spas? 

VIP nightclubs? Cruises? Ok I'll stop but you see my point hopefully, that's why she keeps hounding me, she wants to hear all of the above, maybe all the previous people were like that?

Who knows, I will let the evidence speak for itself, the paypal and bank histories.

What actually happened, for anyone interested in facts.... Hmm I'm hesitating about sharing all the personal stuff, but maybe it will help...

Ok, here it is, my health conditions were starting to get worse, the pain was constant, I was struggling with walking and using my hands. My legs used to burn when I went anywhere.

But my Papa got sick and needed someone to take care of him, so I was nominated for this as I wasn't in employment.

It was a horrendous time in my life. I felt like I could barely function, let alone take care of someone else.

Bu I did what I could, only for people to jump down my throat and say I wasn't doing a good job, I was slacking off.

Because what I did, when Papa slept, I was shattered, my bones were killing me, I laid downstairs on the couch and slept and because I dared to rest, I was this useless carer and human being.

Let me mention the fact that I didn't get paid, he was really ungrateful and I didn't get fed either.

I was there maybe from 9am to possibly 7pm? All week. I ran his errands, made meals and most of the time, I wanted to weep, the pain was intense.

And I was starving all day. Mama insisted I pay rent, and then I had my own bills, yet she let the other two, run up debts in her name.

So I was lucky if I could afford to buy bread and sandwich fillings. I had a healthy appetite, even though I got called fat constantly.

And if you are wondering, when I would go out to buy my Papa's lunch and ask if he could pay for mine as I didn't have any money.

His reply was Sorry, I can't afford it! So even though I wanted to call him a liar, I accepted it and just went without eating all day.

So then suddenly food was an elusive luxury item. I went home exhausted each night, made a snack, watched television and then probably tried to sleep.

Then I've mentioned the rest, his brother and sister were after his money so they whispered in his ear, your daughter is stealing from you, confront her and kick her out.

And I got this devastating call. He was yelling saying I was this untrustworthy heinous person who was bad and unwelcome.

My parents were experts at painting me as this pathetic loser and finally I got so angry I snapped back.

Hard for me to do when I always feared the repercussions but enough was enough.

I sacrificed my time, my energy on looking after you, and you accuse me of this????

No I wasn't having it so I told him I didn't want anything to do with him unless he apologised and took it all back.

My friends were like Oh stop overreacting that's your parent but when you've been bullied and verbally abused all of your life, you get to a breaking point and you think Sod off!

I am a good decent helpful honest person. Why do I deserve abuse???

Eventually he did apologise and I said I forgave him because that was what was expected but I never thought of him fondly after that.

He trashed my trust in him and I was so damn frail to begin with. No self worth whatsoever.

Soon after he passed, I got the inheritance, I told the Jobby about it and then I landed in hospital fighting for my life, touch and go..... Intensive care, couldn't breathe or move.

And half the time I prayed for death, told the nurses I wanted to die and half the time, I felt guilty for abandoning my Mama, leaving her with her demon spawn.

So I was released from hospital six weeks later, paid off my debts. Won maybe my first proper prize, a beach hamper.

A year later was kicked out of home and lived in a hotel for a few months still on crutches.

A chunk of the inheritance went on the hotel fees and debts, the other was cab fares, I didn't really want to leave the hotel room and go outside, although I did get cabin fever a lot.

Then I moved in to my place and had to get cleaners, wooden flooring, blinds, furniture, and the utilities insisted I pay the previous tenants bills that he skipped out on.

So I ask you, is that a frivolous party lifestyle? Can you understand why I have a contentious relationship with both my parents??

I was forever hailed as the useless idiot overweight daughter. Too stupid to accomplish anything in their eyes.

Do you get now why I struggle to feel good about myself? Why I've worked so hard to be kind and supportive and boost my own ego?

Why I don't trust anyone? Why I never let anyone in or even close to me? Why I definitely do not date??

It took a lot of healing to get where I am now, and still I struggle.

Just one last thing that explains my love/hate relationship with my family.

Before she kicked me out, my Mama turned to me and said I blame you for your brother's behaviour.

You're a bad sister and that's why he is the way he is, stealing, abusive, hateful. It's all your fault.

You should have been a better person, a better example. She never once held them accountable, it was always me.

I was the despicable, evil, daughter/sister/human being. Do you know what it feels like to hear that constant disappointment?

To be looked upon as scum? Well that's what I grew up with, everyone piling on the hate for me, for simply daring to exist in their orbit.

It's no wonder I didn't want to exist either. That's all for today. I just don't want to think about it anymore, stay in the past where you belong.

Society seems to revere boys/men no matter how disgusting they are but women/girls are to be stepped on and humiliated.

That's why I want to champion females, lift them up, show them they aren't alone, their feelings are real and important and they can achieve anything they set their minds too.

If you are a female and you're reading this, You are a delight in any room you walk in too.

Hold your head up high, you are right where you belong :)

Why can't I stop adding to this post?

I think it's just slowly bringing up things I tried to forget.

As I spoke to Mama yesterday, I swallowed my irritation at something she said.

Oh I couldn't even mention lawyers/the incident/compensation to you.

I thought Do you know why??? I wanted desperately to forget, to cope, to battle the depression that was engulfing me from the inside out.

Each moment reliving it, panic attacks, shakes, waking up terrified I was still in that moment.

And all her friends wanted me to relieve an excruciating part of my life. Tactless!

But Mama wanted the compensation money to cover her debts that her sons bled gloatily ran up in her name proudly.

She didn't care how I felt, so after I had to go over it again with Police and lawyers, thankfully they said I didn't really have a case.

Inwardly I jumped for joy. Trauma is best left hidden until you have the strength to face it, Not when people bully you into it.

I could barely stand, walk or have it in me to face anyone, yet once again at my lowest point, I'm cornered and made to talk about what I went through.

And insensitive people congratulating me on living through it. I was a mess, that was the last thing I wanted to hear.

Living at home was still scary. The pain was unbearable and functions were limited, yet everyone wanted me to jump for joy.

To all of you that piled on to my self torture and self loathing...

Sighs, take a good hard look at yourself, think before you speak, be aware that battles are not always faced, conquered and finished with, some linger years/decades afterwards.

Don't expect someone to heal on your timeframe. Have some consideration people are protecting themselves and trying to focus elsewhere.

And for heaven's sake Ask what they feel comfy sharing, don't presume!!

You're doing more harm than good otherwise, take it from me, I'm still facing things as though it were a fresh occurrence.

Hopefully that's it and I can move on to today's post and not let brekkie/lunch get cold.