#BlogLife773 - All that remains.../Designed to fail *foul foul language*

Crikey I had a mini panic, trying to locate where Paypal hid the bulk statement file but it was under Activity report and I just downloaded it.

I attached it to a draft email and then when I go to the library tomorrow to print it, I don't know if I have to decompress it first, hopefully not.

Plus as it's public access, I have to remember to logout of email after I've finished.

I just want it all over and done with, there's only so much worry a person can go through, until they just try to carry on as normal.

Ha I just picked up my phone and was listening to music and Mama called to wish me luck for tomorrow, that was sweet but it's only part one.

I won't have any news about the fine or worse for a while or next week.

The meeting tomorrow is supposed to be an introduction but maybe they will turn around and say, You're rejected, fend for yourself..

Good luck paying your expenses and Welcome to Homelessness......

I can't dwell on it anymore, it affects my sleep. It's just always there in the front and back of my mind, making me nuts.

I'll probably add to this when I get back Friday afternoony, although if it's particularly brutal, I might just curl up on my bed and weep for a lifetime......

I just wanted to be able to take care of myself without relying on anyone.

I don't need the stress, even if I do deserve it.

Well today was a complete more or less bust. I went to the Bank, thinking ok maybe 20 minutes, to print it out, nope.

They order it and it takes 5 working days, how the hell that is going to fit into one envelope, I don't know.

Then I go to the library, only to be told I don't have to queue and then either the computers are broken or they ask for login details.

So back to waiting in line ages, then she sets me up and I go to my email, only to be told, they need to verify, so have emailed Msn, of which thankfully, my phone let me login but it didn't send the verification email.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Fuckity, fuck, fuck!!!!

Finally got in, was ready to download it, but then it said it's 134 pages! What the fuck???

I can't carry that, let alone print it. I just left and called up and I was hoping, she would say send me the file, but it was Nope, we don't accept that!!

She said, spend a few trips, going back, do it double sided, 67 fucking pages to print still???!!!

What a bitch!!! She could have easily accepted the file, but nope, I have to go through all this shit multiple times.

Fuckkkkkkkk!

All this isn't supposed to cost anything, I'll end up paying for the printouts, the envelopes, stamps, probably sellotape, oyster fare.

All because they want to put me through this headache, when they know all the fucking information anyway.

She's extended the time from from the deadline of the 18th October, to the 1st November.

I'm sore and exhausted. I should go back to the library and start printing but fuck that.

As for the Universal Credit side of things, surprisingly that all went smoothly.

It was just accept the terms and she said she would speak to my other JSA advisor about cancelling Tuesday's appointment.

Then they will email me my next meeting time and that seems done.

Jail seems easier than this. Two last things, during the Universal Credit appointment, she said Oh if at anytime you're not fit to work, just go ahead and see your doctor for a sick note.......

Yea I'll get right on that, they didn't even recognise me as sick, when I was critical!!!

Secondly my back is killing me, I am fantasising about my salmon and avocado sushi, that I'll probably never eat again.

I would love to have ordered that but I have to be sensible. Bills first, food second.

Oh one last thing, which was just weird and almost laughable, was when they assumed I was attending a JSA appointment and I said No, it's a Universal Credit one, the guy whooped and said Yea Good you joined us....

Umm, ok, I'm going to miss my JSA advisor though, she was really sweet, she mostly understood the health side of my complexities.

Anyway I tried my best to get everything done today, notified the relevant parties, attended where I was supposed too.

Now I'm going to just wait and decide what to do next week. The thought of going out multiple times, knowing I have to be on my feet when I get back to cook, is not appealing.

It's almost worth not eating, but no, I'm going to try and see how I cope.

Sigh, I just want some peace, without drama or obligations, can't I be sick in peace and quiet???

Well it's now Monday, I didn't hear back about Tomorrow's cancelled appointment, I called up and was advised to attend it.

I'm kinda glad in a way, I get to speak to her one last time, my old advisor and I don't know whether I should beg for her help with the printing.

I'm trying to be as discreet as possible but that is a lot to ask, I think I'm desperate enough.

67 pages though, that's such an unreasonable favour. If she did it for me, I would get her a gift to say Thank you, maybe lunch or something.

They are probably not allowed to receive kickbacks but this isn't a bribe, this is gratitude.

I need help, I admit it, this one time, I can't manage it alone, I strive to struggle and rely on myself completely but to hell with it, if she says No, there will not be any hard feelings.

I will just do it in sections at the library and then the post office and try to fit it all in, before the freaking end of the month deadline.

Wouldn't it be nice to get it all printed at once and not have multiple draining trips?

Then I'm still waiting for the Bank statements to arrive and that's a whole load, they have to be sorted into piles of envelopes, then weighed and sent off also.

So much to do and I feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of it but I guess lil by lil I will complete it.

Doesn't mean I won't grumble constantly though. Hmm ok, that's my battleplan.

This just feels never-ending. 

#BlogLife341 - Dodging deaths call

I've been wondering why yesterday has been plaguing me so much. I think it's because I cheated death again.

It's brought it all back and I can recall all the conversations, exactly how I felt, all the life being drained out of me slowly.

I recall the policewoman asking me how I was and me slipping in and out of consciousness saying I'm scared.

The male cop nervously or shockingly laughing exclaiming we all thought you died!

I switched from bouts of, I'm ready to go, to I want to live. Yesterday I felt the same sense of helplessness and fear.

I just kept pondering, how am I going to get home, where it's safe, when I'm stuck?

I was in so much pain and there was so much danger all around me.

I just kept swearing and telling myself to rest, stop, take a deep breath and carry on, not far now, it's ok, you're doing great.

I mean midway I was taking baby steps and stopping. I was holding on to the walls, poles, fences, anything to steady myself.

I felt dizzy, I felt the discomfort of being upright for so long and my body was locking up and home seemed to be so far away.

A strange thing that happened when I was finally at the bus stop was a van honked at me, this guy waved and smiled.

I didn't recognise him, so as usual I just looked at him and he drove off. If it was someone I knew I would have begged for a lift home.

I have no idea if it was a stranger or somebody from my past. I did look lovely. 

I tried on the second new top, it was one of those built in jackety 2 in 1 tops, thinnish but it all seemed kinda fitted and loose near the middle.

These tops were made for me, stylish and pretty and just suited me so well. I just wish the other colours were in stock.

Anyway I think it was the control freak side of me that was in distress. I just could not get my bearings and there were so many obstacles that I lost it completely.

Oh to give you some context, the journey takes anywhere from 10-15mins so bear that in mind, when I say it took me 1 hour and 30 minutes to travel home!!!

I passed my breaking point. Had a fit of tears because it was a situation I could not tackle and that just made me panic and think, am I going to make it this time??

#BlogLife148 - If I keep slapping you and say I'm sorry, does it count?

Hey all. How's it going? What's new? Okay back to me. I have noticed an increasing amount of people making continuous errors and hurting others but expecting forgiveness.

So I can't help but wonder, would you let someone off the hook if they kept hurting you but were always apologetic afterwards? Does it make it right?

Is it appeasing you somewhat? Better an act of self reflection than none at all, correct? Or is it helpful for them to actually step out, take a moment and say.....

Wow I'm not going to say I'm sorry because I don't forgive myself, let alone expect you too. I was out of order and forgot myself.

I'm going to take real steps to find out how to fix this and treat you with respect from now on. Then and only then will I possibly earn your forgiveness..

Sounds too good to be true doesn't it? You have let this person damage you and either have not spoken up or have not made any threats for them to change.

But there is always time to stand firm and make your position clear and you can say to me but S, why don't you do the same huh?

You give us this great advice but I don't see you following through with your family? Why is that? Seems like a double standard to me....

I was thinking about this today. I guess I figured out stuff or am ready to share my findings.

The truth is that growing up as I did, where I had no expression, nobody found anything wrong with that. I wasn't ever encouraged to talk more or join in.

My parents and siblings who all bullied me, found a comfort in keeping me silent. Either they weren't aware of it or they were but didn't care.

My siblings verbally harassed me to the point where I feared for my life. I expected to die at their hands or my own. It was just something I had in the back of mind for a very long time.

My parents on the other hand didn't see that their whole negative criticisms of me were so harmful that I sunk lower and lower and lower.

With those two sets of attacks I had/have no recourse because they see nothing wrong with that behaviour and it continues to this day.

I personally see no point in confronting them because it's like talking to a wall of ignorance. Nothing get's through and if for a second it did.

I know the response would be..........

Hmmm, really. Well it happened a long time ago, so time to forgive and forget. Everybody else has moved on and you're the one immature person still holding a grudge.

Get over yourself please because we're are all tired of you blaming us and not taking responsibility for being a good lil victim who she keep her damn mouth shut!!!!

I realise for sure that is what I would hear because I have tried and instead of them holding up their hands and admitting fault, saying you know what...?

Wow, you girl are speaking facts. It was hard for you growing up and I should be more tolerant and treat you better.

I am still held accountable for not letting it go. Bullying is bullying it destroys from the inside out. I don't care it happened a long time ago but still occurs now.

It makes no difference as it still affects how I see myself and that there are times I think of myself as subpar.

I want to know, why I must be the grownup and say, it's acceptable that you treated me like I wasn't worth anything and let's be friends again.

Let us go back to me being deathly afraid that I would die. Let me go back to not expressing myself or disagreeing.

I'll just sit here and panic and wish I were dead laying in the ground instead of watching what I say and do because you control the household and I am a puppet.

F*ck you and f*ck the hell off!!!!

Dear bully 2

I have something to say to you and unfortunately because of your aggressive tone and temperament I am too afraid of you and all men, to say it to your face.

I don't like you. I may even hate you and wish you great personal harm. You never think about how your words and actions impact anyone around you.

Crumbs, what I would give to have absolutely no conscience whatsoever. I think about what I say and do constantly. All you have ever cared about is yourself.

Now you think you have this free pass because you've just been formally diagnosed? I don't give a damn. You are selfish and rude and I live in fear because of the male role models in my life.

From time to time maintenance workers or someone from the gas company needs access to my place and I just hold my breath until the moment they leave.

I cannot relax or feel safe when someone I don't know visits. That isn't normal is it? One time, there was actually two of them because normally it is just one person (typically male).

When they said, we need access to your room for blah blah. I can't even remember, some radiator check. I all but freaked out.

My eyes widened so much, they almost popped out. I wanted to say no, even though they were nice as pie, so I just stood outside the room and held the door open and they did whatever they did and it was fast and painless.

Inwards I was a mess and freaking out completely. I actually feel sorry for them because they have to look into a woman's eyes and know they are causing her to be afraid.

Well I can't speak for anyone else but I still feel nervous. Luckily nowadays there are very few visits and those that are necessary are done by the same person, it makes it more bearable.

I am sick of thinking about you and hearing about your screw ups. I have no compassion for you. From everything you have done, you got off lightly.

Imagine readers, someone that screams and threatens, everytime something isn't immediately done or if you dare disagree with them.

Not only that but if not done to satisfaction, the manner gets increasingly dangerous. I would love to cut you off completely but I am forced to celebrate some holidays with you.

You know what the really messed up thing is? When my own mama said.... Oh he doesn't hold a grudge for you not speaking to him, you should forgive him and don't let it ruin the celebrations.

How the hell am I the bad and unreasonable one for merely wanting to protect myself? Ugh!! I'm done putting your thoughtless needs above my own.

She maybe willing to be a doormat but not me, not anymore. I deserved better and still do. It is like being around poison and no I am not expecting her to cut ties.

I would never ask her to do that but she damn well shouldn't expect me to be hurt again. I wish she would toughen up and deal with it better and I am sick of fighting her battles and getting the backlash from it.

Here's what I want to say to you. You deserve nothing. Noone owes you a damn thing. Try for once in your life to do the right thing.

Take responsibility for your own nonsense. Apologise once in a while when you make mistakes and use your tiny insignificant brain to think before you act.

Mull it over and say to yourself. Hmmm I need to do blah blah, how can I achieve this without stressing the family and making their lives worse??

Let's list your crimes and put it in perspective.

1. Stealing from me and mama.

Going into my room and taking the little cash I possessed and then using mama's cards and buying tons of goods, like computers and such so that mama was in debt and forced to take out loans and struggled to pay the bills.

2. Taking drugs.

Which resulted in late night parties until 3am. Threatening behaviour towards me and mama. Police raids and fines, of which I like an idiot paid once.

3. Straining and dissolving my relationship with my mama.

When I was kicked out. Everything was strained. I don't know how I became the bad apple? It was all my fault apparently and I resented that.

It took a while to repair it and even longer to get an apology but I didn't even want that. I wanted an explanation. I didn't really get one.

I just knew I didn't have any armour on and so took on the hatred and anger that should have been directed elsewhere.

I remember when the policewoman came and talked to me and I was just crying and I wanted to say please save us. Please take him away and lock him up but I couldn't.

One reason was fear of retaliation and the second was I don't think my mama would have ever forgiven me. She protected the monster and didn't save me.

Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to go to a police station and wait and be judged like you're the criminal? When, if you're someone like me, has never broken the law.

Just an addition for the curious among you. He has never paid back the money. Never apologised and meant it. Never atoned.

I think that is what irks me. If someone behaved badly and then made amends with sincerity, that is a different story but it is as though someone has crowned him King of Fools.

In his head he must think he is perfect. That is the way he acts. I think the hardest thing apart from the fear was losing all the ways to express myself.

It took me years to unravel all the pain and suffering that was in my head. I had so much I wanted to deal with but I didn't know how to do it vocally or even in writing.

I just got angry and frustrated and retreated from the world. It all just swirled in my head and there was no escape from it, with my family there was no freedom.

My home, my sanctuary, there is control and peace and my own identity. I get to put myself first because noone else did. I get to be safe from harm.

I get to be happy and sad and angry, I get to do what I want and if it's wrong, I am not reluctant to say, I did that. I'm sorry because I am grown up.

I am responsible and even though the post I will reference wasn't the first I ever wrote, it felt like my first expression. It was unwritten in my head but I knew someday I would let all the grief out.

It wrote itself like so much of my fiction does and it was surprisingly quick. I was writing it in between the tears because I was basically saying..

Hello world. This is me. I didn't get to speak a lot or know myself or what I wanted out of life but here I am. Back then I was just a young girl and now I am a mature woman.

Do you know what it's like to be forbidden from communicating so much that it disappears and you have to relearn it? 

It might be dark to some as other pieces of my writing are but to me it's what I survived.

It's a dissected part of me that nobody sees or hears about. I am happy and proud that I got back my ability to share. 

Thank you for reading my blog and I know that there is only a small portion of my posts that are cheery but these are my experiences.

I hope none of you ever feel as alone as I did or still do sometimes..

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2017/08/if-im-not-me-who-am-i.html

Self destruct mode (fiction)

I need to escape from you. You're all I think about but you are not healthy. 

You don't make me feel good or safe or warm. I'm leaving you behind and there is nothing you can do or say about it.

I've heard it all before. Sweet little promises. It will be better this time. Things will be different. I just have to stay positive and believe. 

NO! I don't trust you anymore. You're making me ill. I can't make the effort to please you. I can't compromise.

I've settled for your lies once too often. You keep pulling me back with intriguing words but it all amounts to the same. 

Nothing ever improves. I wanted so badly to see it through.

I wanted to have a successful relationship with you. I tried my best to work with you and let you in but you are a block of ice. A cold shoulder. An unapproachable wall that I can't reach.

Friends and family say I should try harder and find a way to get through to you but I've reached my limit. 

Don't touch my arm. Don't say soothing empty words. Don't smile. Don't look at me like that. I hate you.

I shrug your hand off my arm and glare at every trinket you've ever bought me. 

I stomp to the kitchen grabbing a refuse sack and sweep my hand across the mantlepiece. I shove everything into the bag.

The picture of us. The princess cut birthstone ring. The letters and notes I wanted to preserve forever. 

I slap away your octopus arms and shove you aside. Not this time. I will not relent and forgive you for causing me this heartache and emptiness.

I always thought our home was spacious but now it feels stifling. 

This time you creep up behind me and snake your arms around my waist and for one brief moment. I give in. I crave your touch, your comfort, your heat.

I don't want to be alone. I sigh and lean back on you as your arms tighten and I feel safe again. 

You still don't say a word but you don't twirl me around to face you either.

Are you afraid of what my eyes will reveal?

I snap back to reality and realise you are unworthy of my affection and time. 

I wrestle your arms away with difficulty, panting with the exertion and open the cupboard door. 

The dinner set we lovingly bought together mocks me. I reach for the plates and smash them on the floor, pieces of porcelain flying everywhere. 

I turn my face away quickly as you begin screaming and trying to shake sense into me.

I disentangle from you and reach for the cups. You pull them away but I tug aggressively and then let go and they drop at high speed on the floor. 

I lean my back against the cupboards trying to catch my breath.

This time I avoid your gaze. You move towards me and I turn my face away, so you abruptly stop. 

I march past you but again you grab my arm. Why does my breath halt when you do that?

Time stops and I want to crumple in your big strong arms. Why can't you meet my needs? 

Why have you created this distance between us? Why do you whisper words of love when you lay next to me, cradling me in your embrace?

Why did you fall out of love? You loosen the grip on my arm just as I yank it clear and go upstairs to our bedroom. I stop at the hallway, remembering how you carried me inside. 

The way you looked at me. There was so much emotion on your face. All that is gone without any trace of it ever being there.

I wrench the drawers open and then grab my set of our matching luggage and start filling it with clothes. 

I hear your footsteps approaching and I rush to close the door but you slam it open.

I bite my lip and search your face. I see anger, confusion, hurt and stubborness. 

Your eyes widen as you spot my suitcase half filled. You grab my hand firmly but not tightly and sit me on the bed on to your lap.

I sit rigidly while you place my arms around your neck and pull me closer. 

I listen to your heartbeat and my voice breaks when you say my name. It is a final plea. A cry. A wish for me to stay.

The tears trickle down and wet your shirt. No more makeups and breakups. This really is the end.

Our eyes lock one last time and without speaking I unmask my feelings and let you see what I have become. 

An insecure hollowed out person. I get up and let the distance return between us.

I grab the suitcase and without turning around I confess "I wanted to stay but.. 

..Now I have to say goodbye and know that I'm finally free of you and you caused this. You are at fault."

I walk out the door and my shadow fades away. I was never really here and neither were you.

 

You're a whack job!

I made an error in judgement and I was quite the catty madam until I realised I had the facts jumbled oops.

Well, as soon as I realised my mistake I sought to rectify it immediately with an admission of guilt and an apology taking full responsibility.

Even though wow I was on the receiving end of a lot of swearing which is not really pleasant but in the circumstances I can sort of understand, one person doing a 180 for no apparent reason.

I'm glad I didn't swear back now, although I wasn't really fuming just slightly miffed at having my nice evening ruined. 

I squared up and explained that I had no excuse other than getting confused and wasn't expecting anything but just to be heard.

This was not welcomed in the slightest but I still said my peace and apologised. I think by the second or third vicious sarcastic barb I was done being tolerant. 

Yes I was at fault and I was wrong, however it was a small misunderstanding. I really wasn't expecting this sort of drama.

It's one of those sad silly moments in life that happens. Who doesn't make mistakes but I'm nobody's punching bag anymore. Been there, done that, won't be abused anymore.

Take the apology, don't take the apology. To purlong the bitterness is just juvenile. 

I know you want me to crawl on my hands and knees on broken glass or split my wrists or be miserable forever grovelling but it's not going to happen.

I said I was sorry and I meant it. I explained what happened and it was unfortunate. I'm not going to carry on fighting. I walked away and moved on now. 

I did the right thing in the end. I'm fine with not being forgiven but the insults are tiresome, so carry on without an audience.

Second update. I was wrong about you. You launched an unprovoked attack on me for no reason so you are looking for any excuse to antagonise me instead of laughing it off as a stupid blunder.

In the beginning you were sweetness and light but look at you now spitting venom and making yourself out to be holier than thou while you paint me as the horrible person.

I can have my own independant thoughts and feelings. I can vent for the sake of it and see the good in others but I'm not a pushover and won't be mistreated just because the other person is thoughtless and inconsiderate to my plight.

I don't understand your agenda. If I had not apologised or just carried on with the false accusations I could understand you being angry but that didn't happen so you and your righteous attitude need to just disappear and leave me in peace.

One day you'll make a simple mistake and crave forgiveness and I hope that person gives you a taste of your own bittersweet medicine. 

Then maybe you will understand human nature. Nobody is perfect. Not even you!

Third update. You need to seek professional help. You masquerade as someone else without telling me it's you and by this time, any newcomer I see I'm wary of. You talk nicely and I am none the wiser.

Today you go around the houses and say thanks for the chat last night and it's me, like I can tell who "me" is and then you say you were offering an olive branch and I should have recognised you. I'm a psychic now am I??

Then when I'm polite but distant you are quick to go back to your poison spouting words. I'm this, I'm that, blah blah....showing your true colours.

As wrong as I was in the way I treated you at least I had the balls to face you and show you it was me. 

I apologised and spoke directly to you and made no real excuse but you thought you would mingle, hide in the shadows and that what..? I'd forgive you for being a bitch? For being thoroughly nasty and stressing me out?

You had your chance. You could have said look, I'm bitter and I need some time and then perhaps later on we can talk but no you just went into full persecution mode even after I walked away.

Did you realise how much of a dick you were? Did you miss the fun, the way I made you laugh? Did you fear rejection so think you would weedle your way back? 

You're psychotic and noone is going to put up with your bullshit attitude.

I wash my hands of you. Karma sucks doesn't it?!

False accusations and obstacles

Like I said before, you can't utter "I was just joking" to get you out of a sticky confrontational situation. I haven't misled you in any way. I've answered everything but the personal questions. 

I've been consistent and communicative but I've also never pandered to your ego or attention-seeking.

If you have low self esteem, work on yourself. I've done it and feel better for it. I will not be the one to boost your feelings of self worth. I have a line that can't be crossed or played with and you massacred it again. 

I let you of the hook the first time because I was in a generous mood but when you just did it again for no reason than your pride being dented, I took a stand and told you exactly how wrong you are.

Between the two of us, you can easily be replaced but me, good luck with that. 

For over half my life I got treated like crap from nearly everyone around me and yet today I don't take nonsense from anybody and I'm always sought out.

Requested and respected despite my massive mouthy ego because I love myself and have integrity. You ought to try it out sometime.

Unless you make a grand gesture, you're going to have one hell of a miserable week without me.

I don't have the time or inclination to molly coddle you. I have my own issues. 

Today I thought that I could just get on, pretend I'm not sick and get things done but no I realised that I could barely function again and even though I'm trying to be healthier and lose some weight not all. 

I figured out that was yet again the reason I couldn't function again today. I overdid it and at the time it seemed routine and bearable but I know different.

Rest hasn't helped. The intensity is beginning to happen faster so that I can only manage small tasks at once. It's getting worse not better and there is no cure or magic pill to fix it.

I deal with all of that on a daily basis and yet I can still crack a joke and hold a conversation without making it all about me or making myself out to be a sad case. 

I don't even mention that I'm ill, I may just indicate when certain questions are asked because I'm not going to lie but neither am I going to launch into my life story.

It's personal, it affects me but I have other stuff that defines me too, being sick is only half of it. 

I see you're still licking your wounds and sulking, well carry on, if you think I'm going to make it easy and meet you halfway... Think again!

This time you have got to go out of your comfort zone and reassure me that you're not in fact a jackass but somebody that is insensitive at times and willing to overcome being an imbecile.

I'm trying to be responsible at the moment and do something that isn't required but it is the right thing to do but I keep getting blocked at every turn.

Attempt one, unavailable. Attempt 2 littered with someone else's errors. 

Attempt 3 I have just made and will see if they reply so I can cross it off my list. I'm trying and yet there is just no way to do my part. 

I don't want to be selfish but I'm running out of ideas. Actually I have one last resource.

Certain things should just be straightforward. I've done a great job with it but it doesn't seem to matter.

I can't stop yawning. The stress is wiping me out.