I'm so glad the week is over. I just have to get through the uc meeting and then slowly get back to the stories.
Maybe I should treat them like the blog. I'm excited to write that. I can attempt to focus on the Christmas story every day.
At least a paragraph maybe?
I hate when I'm right. I checked my email and Mama's response was there.
I called it. She said, Sorry that she's been a bad Mama, that she didn't have the courage to discipline and kick them out.
That she does value/love me. That I'm the only one she enjoys spending time with.
And she hopes one day I'll forgive her. It makes me teary because it's empty..
It's the same speech she's always given. I wanted her to dig deeper but she's assuming an apology mends a lifetime of abuse and damage to my mental state.
This time, it just does not cut it. There is no self reflection
There is no.. The reason behind it was...
I'm sure that she does feel bad but how many times, can you just hear sorry and the disrespect continues??
I need time. I know that. She didn't address the assault or the cousins and I don't know why that bothers me.
But it does because it's once again being swept under the carpet, like I fabricated it.
If that was me and I was responding, I would have two tabs open. The one with the sent email and the blank page to mention each and every single point raised.
So that person felt truly heard and understood and then I would add my personal input, that I respect everything you've shared.
Thats been built up over years. I'm glad you opened up, even though it really shocked me.
I just want to tell my side now. Then I will take my queues from you.
Anyway Yes I am starting to feel guilty for cutting off contact but not enough to resume it.
I matter too. I have been carrying this for years and I don't want to anymore.
We will be acquaintances but not family. I did not get what I needed.
And Yes I realise it was a lot I dumped on her but some of it, she already knew...
And sorry to say. I question if she read all of it or just cannot handle the truth?
No reaction to your only daughter being suicidal and assaulted? None.....
Does she realise how hard it was for me to talk about it? How vulnerable I felt?
The other concern is, it's my business. I'm very private, I know it's weird I have a blog but this is anonymous..
But she likes to blab and in no way, did she reassure me, she would keep it confidential.
So Yes, anger is beginning to take over. Once again, my needs are ignored.
I don't feel validated. I don't feel it's a safe space.
But since childhood, I've needed to have my say and I finally felt strong enough to do it.
I pretty much knew the reaction. I would get and it's not comfort.
I want to fall to pieces and be seen but I'll never get that from her.
She expects me to do what I've always done and forgive and forget.
No, not anymore. I am staying the child. The raw vulnerable child that was tortured and didn't have any way to stop it or speak...
You better come to terms with it fast, because the pleasing daughter, you once knew, is gone.
I am shedding light on the truth.
Now I better continue getting ready and put this to one side. It's enough for now.
My head needs a break.
I don't know why I have a fierce need to say this....
But I am not a liar, everything I've admitted was the truth. I feel as though, she's already thinking I'm exaggerating or seeking attention.
I have zero support and I am alone but for right now, it's a damn relief because I get to look after my needs that were neglected for so long....
Catering to your illusion!
Goodbye for now. I need to heal and be there for myself, because you can't or won't be my rock.
Take care but don't contact me.
