I'm trying to keep everything in perspective, that the whole UC payment thing is just a mistake but now I'm wondering, what if it's permanent?
What if it's literally only for paying the bills and no money to buy food or for the oyster travel card or anything else that I need?
I am dreading when the savings are all gone because that is the end of my safety net.
The fear of being homeless becomes all too real. I'll end up taking money that I've allocated to the expenses and buying food and household items with it.
I'll go into my overdraft, the bank will charge me interest. The landlord will say You are suddenly in debt to us for thousands and I won't be able to pay that and then they'll say...
You're a bad person, totally unreliable and a bad tenant, you're evicted, get out.
I've been thinking about that a lot recently which is why I keep bringing it up.
Of course there is my Mama's place but living with her and all the criticisms and having my needs and boundaries ignored..
My self esteem once more being chipped away until the depression comes back..
Being made to feel I am a waste of space...... That I'm just a colossal disappointment in her eyes...
I think I would rather live on the streets that deal with a slow painful internal demise.
At least out there in the world, it's quicker. This is where my brain goes when it's all too much.
I'm ill and instead of focusing on taking care of myself, I have to expend it on all this damn stress.
As always I'll keep you updated but it's not looking good. I wonder what people would say about me, after I'm gone?
Wellllll, she was always a chunky girl, didn't have the self preservation and discipline to control her weight.
Granted she was steadily getting slimmer but hey no matter what the outcome, I wouldn't have accepted her, she's doesn't belong, she has never been nor will be one of us, no matter what she says or does.
She was so anti-social, I would invite her out to things and she always made an excuse not to join in, even though a part of me hated her guts, I still consider it rude, to decline my kind charitable offer.
She had the coldest hardest heart of anyone I know. I don't understand why?
Sure she grew up with bullies but so what? She should have forgiven them, taken it on the chin and accepted her fate as a victim.
Sure she grew up feeling unwanted and unloved but honestly, is that any reason not to date and settle down?
It's like she refused to conform to the natural order, on purpose to spite us.
You know frankly speaking I never did buy into that whole chronic illness thing...
Don't you think she was faking for the attention? Pretending she was weak and feeble for the sympathy?
I never gave her any but to me it was an excuse to be self indulgent and not be as active as she should have been.
What? It turns out she was a writer/blogger/storyteller? Nahh, not her, she didn't have any intelligence to her name.
She probably copied someone else's work, palmed it off as herself or paid someone to write on her behalf.
I mean how could she create anything original or interesting? The girl was boring, she stayed at home, rarely socialised and didn't have any friends.
I used to laugh when I was with her, my phone would be beeping nonstop with calls and messages, hers?
Pfft was always silent. I mean you have to be bland and dull, to not have anyone rooting for you in your corner, right?
It's strange though, she couldn't even attract a desperate guy. I mean she wasn't pretty, we all know that.
She definitely wasn't confident, I mean she had no reason to be honestly.
But she couldn't even get an unattractive guy to commit to her. How bad must she have been?
MmmHmm Yea I read that in her memoirs, that something happened in her past.
But I think she most probably made it up, used it as an excuse as to why no-one would date her.
All in all, I'm glad she's gone. She didn't contribute anything. Unlike me, who is a nice thoughtful respectful person who only says nice things about people.
She was mean-spirited, only saw the worst in others. I didn't support her or like her and most of the time ignored her..
But she should have known her place as my lowest priority and should have been grateful that I deigned to her give any attention.
She's so ungrateful, demanding respect, pfft. Who does she think she is? Moi? Ha! She wishes, she is not worth your or my time. Let's go celebrate......
Now why did I write all of that? I feel it's the way people see me.
From family, to friends, to acquaintances, to randoms. I could lie and pretend it's not true.
That I'm seen in the highest regard, affectionately beloved but this blog is about honesty.
I had to lay it all out. Do I feel better? I don't know, numbness is taking over, the tears have stopped though.
