I guess the good thing is that I remembered to do the hair oil thing, it felt good giving myself a scalp massage this morning.
Now I have a face mask on and I wanted to do the face brush but the battery is dead, as per usual, when I go to use it.
Something has been living in my mind and refuses to leave, so either this will stay a draft or I'll let it out.
I'm just fed up of having a family that is out to get me, and continues making my life a living hell.
You are my only tether to that evilness, your sons, I mean and if I cut ties with you, I feel like I'll finally be free and at peace.
Obviously I could never say this to you, but over the years, I've gotten close.
I can't stop thinking about it, around and around it goes. I feel like I'm literally being driven crazy.
First it's being just verbally tortured and threatened and now more than ever it feels psychological.
They win, they can have you all to themselves. I just want to stop being afraid, to stop looking over my shoulder, to be able to take a breath and not worry about the consequences.
It will be near impossible to say Goodbye, but if I don't do something for myself, I'm going to jump off the deep end.
Today I basically said, I don't care what happens to me anymore.
Let them cart me off to jail. I just can't stand it anymore. There is nothing left of me.
I want to have a life, I want to form a bond with someone. I want to be normal.
I want to be able to function but I'm stunted, like an overgrown child.
I'm just hiding, hiding, hiding, never being true to myself, never letting anyone close to me.
I just don't know if it's worth being tied to you anymore.
I realise that's ungrateful or blameful and I don't think you're a bad person.
I just think you're only crime is, you're too forgiving and there are no consequences to their actions.
The posts that keep jumping into my head, is this..
https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2017/08/if-im-not-me-who-am-i.html
And this one..
https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2022/04/bloglife259-you-killed-my-last-safe.html
That's how far gone I am. It helps to air this out and I just feel like, on some level you know, I may or may not cut you out of my life, for my sanity.
But honestly this whole blog is made up of these types of posts, about bullying and despondency.
And you choose to continually brush it under the carpet.
I just can't cast it aside anymore. I didn't even want to write this post but it was a necessity.
I just feel like I need to say Goodbye and I don't want too.
I'm just defenceless once more and I'm sick of it. The fear of what will they do next???
I am not okay. I know that's not what you want to hear but it's truth.
I'm slipping, slipping, slipping further away from you. I genuinely did not want to admit any of this out loud but when I wrote this.
It felt like a release, it needed to be aired in some format. I don't feel better for sharing it but I feel more at peace.
It's no longer chipping away in my mind. I needed to clear my head, there's too much stress already.
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On to today (Tuesday), the JSA appointment wasn't cancelled, so I was advised to attend it and I thought maybe it's a good thing.
My advisor wasn't available but I saw her friend, which is equally sweet but she said, they are out of printing paper, so that was a dead end.
She said the JSA side of things is officially closed, so the migration to Universal Credit is complete.
When I logged into Universal Credit, there was something about Sanctions..
Which I am expecting, fines or worse. I feel so dizzy today, I felt like I was going to fall over, vomit and pass out.
My back is killing me, there is breast pain, nausea, cramps and exhaustion.
But even though I kept faltering, I held on to walls and just perservered.
I went to Ryman's and spent about £6 on 2 extra large brown envelopes and some sellotape to keep it together.
Then before that was the library and thankfully, hardly anyone was there, so the lady in charge had time to help me.
She was really kind and I appreciated that, she did the whole of the 134 double sided printouts and didn't give me a hard time about it.
I was so relieved, I apologised to the woman who came after me, to print 2 pages, ouch.
I left home about 9.35am and now it's 12pm. Anyway, anyone want to guess how much it cost?
I figured maybe £20 or £30....... Not even close.
This cost me just over £48, I also went to the Bank to get out about £50 to pay for everything prior.
Then she kept warning me about the cost and I said it's ok, because I have no choice, it has to be done.
She said, we don't accept cash, just card so that was fine, I put in my details, they were approved and the long wait for the printer begun.
Now I am home and have to wait for the Bank statements to get here this week, then I will seal them up.
I hope 2 envelopes are enough, if not I can get more. I don't know whether I should put Freepost on all of them but I don't want to risk it, incase it bounces back.
I'm on a time limit. Then when everything is here, the last step is to seal them, weigh them at the Post Office, buy the stamps and post them.
£54 so far, maybe just over £6 altogether? Who knows, I just want it done.
I should do my brows again but I can't be bothered. I so want sushi or any takeout but I won't do it.
I should go to the kitchen and make food but the pain is too much currently, I don't want to move.
I'm not really hungry but for energy I should munch and it is lunchtime, plus I've been up for several hours..
Oh and right on queue, my tum starts rumbling. Ugh why won't this stupid period end.
4 fricking weeks long!!! And pmt to boot.
Despite all of this nightmare. At least I didn't have to make dozens of trips this week.
Actually there maybe one more, the Universal Credit one is maybe this week or next, she said soon.
I have no idea though. They didn't explain anything about how to use the website.
I checked the post, but I have a feeling the Postie's gonna knock for the bulk statement delivery.
