I'm ready to close this chapter now. I feel how I feel, they feel how they feel and it differs.
I try to present two sides but there are times, when I want it to just be me, venting..
Again do I publish the comment to be fair and mature? Or do I delete it?
My hope was that all the messages that came through here, (if any at all), would be authentic, so I could happily respond.
If I'm not talking on the main platform we share, why would I bother to suddenly converse on my blog?
There is no-one that can make me do anything, I no longer wish to do.
What I am sure of is that, I've no inclination to carry on debating, there is no hard feelings, but there is a slight distaste.
I've gotten to a point, where I feel like a burden, if I initiate a conversation. I feel like a nuisance, that people feel this obligation towards me to respond.
But somehow if they just randomly message me, I see it as, ok, they want to chat and engage, they are invested..
Usually though, I feel they have more important things to do and that, when they are free, they are more likely to reach out, if they choose.
I am guilty of letting others, contact me first and I'm not blaming them, it is my thing, for always being treated like an afterthought.
But I do feel, at the same time, I do make the effort sometimes, maybe not regularly but it is done.
Now there are times, when I cut myself off and disappear, stress, injuries, life takes over and I want to comfort myself.
And the truth is I don't trust anyone to be around to catch me as I decline.
I am the way I am, but also I'll look for clues to see the attitudes of others and how they speak and respond and if they make time for me.
To see if eventually I'll be comfortable. A lot of crap just goes on with me and it's overwhelming to manage it, without a support system in place.
I need space to sort my head out.
I take responsibility for not always communicating and explaining myself clearly.
I hate being vulnerable, except on here or 7 Cups, so I tend not to share and just continue falling apart, solo, where, I can be transparent to myself.
I feel safe then, being depressed or weepy or generally unhappy.
My thing is, I don't want to look foolish by letting the wrong people get close to me.
Something else I should be honest about. I wasn't expecting a response, I hate long goodbyes.
We are mid August now. For me, nearly mid march, was when 2ish months had passed with no contact, so that's when it concluded for me.
My pride and being constantly rejected by others, means I can sever contact quite easily.
If it just seems to fizzle out naturally, then I let it. It would be too weird to cling on to someone disinterested in me, that's how I saw it.
I do not recall being prompted to initiate more. I'm not saying it wasn't said, but for me, there's no memory of it, because if I had, it's something I would have kept in mind.
I skimmed the comment because, although I hate confrontations and am past caring, I do respect someone telling me how they feel..
They have a right to do that. I guess I didn't want to read it as, I don't want to fix it. I didn't need closure.
But I did it anyway because at one point, a bond was formed and I appreciated the memories but when something is over.
I just want a clean break but it's vital that I don't silence anyone's voice, it's always courageous to speak up.
I don't want anyone to feel unheard, the way I generally feel. It's not pleasant.
At the same time though it was settled for me. It could have been a conversation before the silence but it wasn't, not for me.
We both could have said... Something akin to, my thoughts are these.. But we both chose not too.
At the end I just thought fine.. Next.
Also other things had my attention where I was sinking lower and lower.
My priority was trying to face another day without losing my mind..
That's why I'm choosing to publish the comments because I'm not perfect.
I'm not always correct but this is my interpretation of the whole thing, anyone reading can agree or disagree and that's fine.
But I want to stop thinking about it and enjoy the weekend, without this hanging over me.
I'll never be a people person but I do love to talk (at times).
Considering my beginnings where I did not express myself at all.. I've become a right chatterbox...
See you next week, where they keep promising the heatwave is over and yet, awful humidity lingers, the fan cannot be turned off.
