#BlogLife904 - Heatwave hiatus

Ugh the end of the day finally. I was waiting on something to arrive, it said it was running late so I was patient, then before I knew it, a month has passed.

So I thought I've waited long enough I'll explain and get a refund, only to get this unapologetic response.

Instead of sympathising, she was like why did you wait so long, I find it suspicious.

Ugh because I was notified it was delayed and I have other things to deal with!

Yeesh not sure I'll get my money back but we shall see. I just let her have it.

I'm in no mood for someone's mood swings, I have plenty of my own to contend with.

Ooh another surprising thing is the twit advisor changed my appointment from the usual 9am, to 12pm, good I can sleep in a bit, hopefully the nausea/dizziness won't be as bad.

When is it going to rain? I keep splashing my face with cold water and having icy drinks to try and stay cool, it helps for a second and then goes back to a suffocating heat.

Ugh just tried the sorting office, turns out they've changed their hours, it used to be open all day and now it's only 8-10am, so I missed it.

The heat and pmt are killing my appetite, but I need to eat for some energy so I did some cheesy garlic bread and salmon.

I just feel like something simple. It was delicious actually. I know I overcooked the salmon but at least it was better than undercooking it.

The nights are getting worse and my body is paying for it. I can barely sleep and these sharp pains are worrying me.

But eventually I think I got some rest, though it doesn't feel like it, I can't stop yawning and I don't give a damn about phoning the sorting office.

There's no way I'm getting up early, sod the refund, I'm too weak and drained.

How is it nearly 3pm already? I just did some veggie samosas and had a twix, it did give me a lil boost.

Oh that's what I was going to talk about. I don't know if I'll be away this month or August.

I'm normally at Mama's for July, it's her birthday and mine but I'm not sure. I'm just hormonal and bloated and feeling yucky at the moment.

I don't know if I'll be writing either. I shall let you know before I go away though.

#BlogLife901 - And another thing..

One other thing that's been annoying me is that when the twit UC advisor called me up, he said next time you're late pop a message into the journal.

Ahem!! I don't think I've been late for your meetings ever so that's insulting, I'm usually there early and it's You that keeps me waiting!!

Secondly, I could barely stand and function, you want me to stop, try and remember the login, get the stupid idiotic text security, paste that and try and type in my present state??

Twit! When I got up to ask the staff for help in the library I was so shaky I had to hold onto her desk, otherwise I felt like I was gonna fall or collapse!

Jerk! Anyway had to get that off my chest.

I forgot to mention that as I was emptying the old bag to transfer the contents, in the lining, I felt something and I thought Oh my...I thought you were lost.

Any guesses? I'll wait.. Nope, not that either, shakes my head, sorry none of you were correct.

I found, not one, but two...... Tweezers ha! I literally bought a set and soon after thought I had accidentally chucked one away but nooo it was caught in the lining, how weird.

I have an update on the drops I bought, it doesn't cure the dry eyes, it's just refreshing in the moment.

I think I've used better quality ones but these were very cheap. I don't know if I would recommend them, my eyes are non stop itchy and dry at the moment so I'm using them a lot, whereas other ones, I'm sure I only used them once or twice a day..

TV wise, I'm re-watching Kiralik Ask on Youtubey to see if I like it any better and can finish it the second time around, hmm.

Also I found a new show called Outrageous, the British version of Bridgerton but tamer, less laughs, less wildness, actually it's a lot sadder.

I wish they had lightened it up. It's about a former wealthy, now struggling family and their daughters mainly.

Ok I've just checked the UC payment for the end of the month, expecting to see the usual £800ish and they've bumped it back up to what is was before when they were covering the whole rent.

What's even stranger is that, previously in May when they paid the £800ish only, they've rewritten the statement to say they paid me just over £1k.

What is going on? They love to drive me around the bend. I'm not questioning it, if my bills are covered and I can get groceries, that's all I want.

But what on earth made them change their minds? It's so perplexing, why do I think, in July it will drop back down to £800ish again?

Could the landlord have told them about all the supposed arrears I was charged over the years since moving in??

Did they take into account suddenly my health conditions? They've continually said No you're not entitled for full rent coverage and now they've whimsically changed their minds yet again.

I'm thankful, I really am. I just wish their was some stability so I could stop worrying for good.

#BlogLife891 - Blah blah, Wait that changes things../ In trouble for being sick

As usual, back to my usual state of confusion. I just got a notice from UC, after them declaring nothing has changed, the payment stays the same.

All because I then said, by the way, the landlord said the rent increases now happen in October from now on, not April, as that's what they told me, suddenly it's whoa.....

Stop the presses, this changes everything. We've given you a surplus payment, and I thought ok, but why?

I've literally spelled out my expenses that you're not covering and you didn't give a damn, you said Go to a food bank, I'm not taking sustenance from those that need it.

That's a dumb unhelpful suggestion. I know how to budget, I've been doing it all my life, surrounded by irresponsible people, that I didn't want to grow up to emulate.

I've been without food before because I couldn't afford it, that's nothing new to me.

I'm desperately trying not to get to that extreme state, which is what these imbeciles don't seem to grasp.

Anyway I think this is a one off adjustment amount that will be sent to me.

I guess the point is, if it comes from the landlord, someone that gouges people for money, they'll take it under consideration.

If it's from a human being struggling, getting depressed about having no future which includes a roof over their head, they don't give a toss!!

I did not intend to write at all today but I had to voice this. Whatever!

Again I'm not looking forward to Monday's bullying UC meeting, he's turning into such an ass!

On to today (Monday), as I wrote the above last week. I hate confrontations, but I loathe being bullied more, though when it came down to it..

I swallowed my tongue and didn't object to his dictation.

Apply for the coding course, that I'm not remotely keen on and I didn't stand up and say If you're so interested You go for it!!

I just started to feel nauseated, so he warned me I could be sanctioned for failure to do as he asked.

Which means the payments get suspended. I have some options to think about.

He wants me to print out applications not sure how to do that, the form or the acknowledgement receipt email after submission?

Can you print out emails? Maybe I'll just screenshot the contents, save it to a draft and print them all just before the appointment, if I'm late, screw it, he gave me a bloody 9am slot again. They never open on time.

Ugh library visit prior then. I could apply to the coding course but not keen, he says they're online but the blurb says in person..

I just don't feel like arguing when I want to vomit. Why is he even making me print out responses, half of them don't even acknowledge you've applied anyway, let alone get back to you.

It's insulting, it's basically saying Hello liar, prove yourself to me. Fine dickhead, as you wish!

Another thing I could do, if it's still running was go back to volunteering, I don't feel emotionally stable for that but if it gets him off my back, I would do it.

There's too much on my plate, too much stress and stomach churning already.. I feel out of options though.

What else could I do? Have a higher number of entries in my journal.

Something else that ticked me off was him asking who I got rejected from, ahem it's on the freaking journal, what is the point filling it in, you don't check it, ass!!

I really hate that, it would two seconds to go through it, prior to seeing me, I'm your first meeting but no yack it up with your colleagues instead.

The only highlight of today was seeing the smiling happy delivery driver, when he delivered breakfast.

Oh wait, before that, popped into Tesco, didn't have time to look around so got a chicken caesar wrap and a sprite but then the assistant insisted I get a chocolate as it's cheaper as part of the meal deal, ugh I was so tired..

I got a twix and then realised afterwards, it's white chocolate yuckity.

So anyway when the guy greeted me by name and handed over the food, I just offered the twix and his whole face beamed back at me, he was so chuffed, he just thanked me for that tiny gesture.

I would have binned it but at least it didn't go to waste. It is nice to do something for others but crikey, I feel I can barely stand at present.

My tum is still flip-flopping, even after drinking and munching the fries.

Oh I am all out of eye drops, dang my eyes are so dry but I saw a great deal, 3 bottles for £5 and I snapped it up.

Hopefully they get here this week. Ugh I have to put away the food.

Oh ha, the cafe gave me a complimentary chilli cheese packet of crisps, not sure I'm brave enough to eat that, I declined the coke as I am not keen at all.

#BlogLife888 - Turning over a new leaf starting today

My method over stressing about every lil thing is not helping me. I need to find a new coping approach.

Whatever the messy future is I'm resigned to it. I've tried my best to be careful and budget. I will continue to do so.

I try to do the right thing, it doesn't always work out well but I have good intentions.

I just need to accept I can't fix everything, some things are designed to drag on, it happens..

I'll just do what's in my power, survive it, as usual like I've been doing since I was lil and afraid, even back then.

I have to stay calm, be strong, know that whatever happens I have my own back, if the worst happens, then so be it.

Thus far I've been able to be independent, fight my own battles, live alone and give myself soothing pep talks.

I feel like because I'm polite, others mistake me for having no backbone but I'm as deadly as they are, I'm just sneakier.

I get my own way, I just don't demand it. I have convenient excuses instead.

I'm not sure what to do about the course he's trying to bully me into taking, coding is not for me.

I'm currently taking a break from the cleaning and tidying. To be honest I've only done one thing and that destroyed all my energy.

I was changing the bed and looking for the pillowcases and the other duvet was tangled up, I couldn't find the edges and I just felt sickly and depleted.

So just doing that, took me an hour, which is ridiculous but that's what being sick is, simple things take longer and longer.

I'm trying not to be frustrated with myself but I have insanely high expectations, that even though I'm weaker, I still should be able to push past it with ease.

I have to be kinder to myself because I knew it, the pain is beginning to spread around my body and that's going to drain me even more.

I just feel really sore and fragile today, the pain is not my friend, although I did sleep well in sections, deep enough to dream about moving and mingling, it was odd.

I haven't eaten yet and I don't really feel I deserve it as I haven't finished with the bathroom, I wanted to scrub the tub and wipe around the sink first before relaxing with a meal or snack.

I just remembered the rent was due so I practically paid off the last of the rent arrears, only a couple of pence needed, well under a pound really.

So at least now, I have £50 extra a month to help with the bills and groceries, at least that's something positive.

#BlogLife887 - What is best because either way I'm lost..?

Ooh I bought some cheese and spring onion quiches from Iceland and this time cooked it for maybe 18 minutes, last time I undercooked it, maybe it only needed 15 but actually it's great.

Nothing compares to the school dinner ones. Soft bubbly egg and cheese, it was so light. I've never seen that recreated anywhere else.

Not good for the breath though. They are tiny but tasty. I'm glad I tried it again for something out of the ordinary.

I'm beginning to wonder if the Jobby get's kickbacks for every course they refer people onto.

They are mighty insistent and I don't think it's for my benefit, I think there is a financial reason for it, I could be wrong, I am a cynic after all but he's being wayy too pushy.

The other thing following on from the last post is that yes, sending pictures of myself is hard but at least once in a blue moon I do it.

Whereas I don't get one in return, frankly I don't want one but at the same time, I can't help but think of them as cowards.

I've revealed myself and you can't do the same? What does that say about you? Chickeny much?

And as suspected, there's been no further emails so my hunch was right, he's clearly moved on.

The rest of the randoms are acting weird too.

One called T.I and I had an interesting long chat but today he's moody and sullen.

Why even message me?? Then another one changed his name, acted nice and then turned aggressively insulting..

What is the point trawling for arguments?

I just blocked and didn't engage pfft, silly human.

The only one that was regular was believe it or not, the male version of me.

He's SS, ha I never put that together until tonight.

He's not a people person either, has trouble sleeping too and can talk about anything.

He even offers me an ear if I want too.

Part of me is tempted to tell someone everything and the rest is shaking my head.

Either they won't get it, won't sympathise or they'll be judgemental. 

I got to tidy up for Thursdays appointment. Ugh, dreading it.

I'm not even sure if the pedicure is still on next week, Mama hasn't confirmed and I'm too stressed to chase it up.

Something else that just sprang to mind is that before when UC was covering my expenses, they must have checked with the landlord to make sure it was correct and they still covered the service charge.

Now suddenly they aren't and it's because of the savings. I don't want to be frivolous but as I suspected, they will cover me, only I'm destitute and I'm hesitant to use up everything.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Just to finish off, I saw T.I and he behaved normally.

Men are so strange creatures. It was a bit different actually he was telling me more personal stuff and I appreciated that, I'm not sure I believe it all.

The randoms lie so easily about the big and lil things, it's confusing so I listen out for clues and inconsistencies and that usually tells me the truth.

The pedicure is on for tomorrow, just me and Mama as her friend is under the weather unfortunately.

It's anyone's guess if we'll get the veggy pakoras, I guess it depends if they are in a selling mood, so odd, they are always resistant to make a sale.

#BlogLife884 - Surrounded by idiots

Thank heavens the coding course he referred me into, isn't local or online, it's in person so screw that, I wasn't interested anyhow.

Twit! It's literally annoying me that they are so incompetent they don't see suitable vacancies and assume nothing is available but I do find them, luckily I get rejected though :)

He literally said to me, there isn't any remote/work from home positions and I argued and said Yes there is, I've seen them.

That's why he bullied me into applying for the coding crap course, when I wasn't interested.

Also he said Oh I can refer you to some jobs I've seen but they are in person.

Why the fuck does being long term ill, present such an issue? Like I said, they want me to pretend I'm fine and not in intense physical pain.

Fuckers!!! At least my former advisor understood my limitations, she knew how sick I was, knew I couldn't deal with travelling every day and the physical demands of a work placement.

I go out for an hour or even less and by the time I get home I am shattered, my body has locked up, the pain, the stiffness is spreading and I have zero energy.

What am I, faking for the bloody attention?? In one way, I hope they force me to accept a position and on that first day, I will fall apart completely.

The pain will kill me, I will bawl my eyes out, trying to walk, trying to lift, trying to sit still, trying to stand and I'll beg them to let me go home and quit because I won't be able to function, at all.

In fact I'll be shaking so badly, I'll struggle to get to the bus stop and get myself home.

But I have to pretend I'm okay, all the flipping time, because I'm never taken seriously as a sick, disabled person with limitations.

Ooh those chocolates I bought are fancy. It's not like ferreros, it's truffles with this crispy crunchy inside, pretty nice and of course hazelnuts, so will bring some for Mama and her friend next week.

I'm so tired but have washed off the makeup and got the blankie, so that helps. 

Plus I shoved the food in the fridge, I wasn't up to eating a lot. The cashier was asking me about the lemon cake if I've tried it, but I haven't, it was £3.

It does look similar to the chocolate iced coffee cake one and that was sublime.

Unfortunately as I've said, I don't have the munchies so maybe tomorrow when I feel calmer.

I'm just going to message the UC idiot again and get it over and done with, there's no way he can claim not to receive this message.

FFS! I did it, wrote it on email and copied and pasted it and it did deliver as I saw it on my timeline.

I'm sure they'll say it's not our concern, just because each month your £200/£300 over budget, use up your damn savings then come crying to us.

Anyway, the cake is similar to the coffee one, lovely soft sponge and thick tasty icing which isn't too sweet just very tasty.

The stress is getting too much so I'm escaping in my head pretending everything is hunky dory and that I'm in a relationship where I'm supported and looked after and I don't have the same burdens as I do now.

It's way easier to live in la la land. I have leftovers for breakfast actually it's lunchtime now.

My body needed the rest so that's good.

#BlogLife883 - In the quest for healing..

Does it mean you forget everything that happened like it didn't exist?

Does it mean it's not as powerful? Does it mean everything returns to normal, as though you're suddenly sane again?

In my case, no. I'd like to stop being afraid. I would like to open up and I would like to be akin to others, without hangups and conditions and pauses.

It's stops me from writing, I know it does. I want too but I can't. It just feels like trashy fictiony lies, that's not how real life works.

He doesn't say sweet things, he doesn't care about your needs and he doesn't treat you, the way he should.

But in an ideal made up world, he actually does all of the above.

Ugh it's not been a good day. I've come to the realisation, I have to deplete my savings as fast as possible in order to survive.

UC is stressing me out, depressing me and I can barely function with this hanging over me.

I felt like I wanted to vomit, was struggling to breathe today. I couldn't even play the happy music, because I kept switching to anti nausea videos.

I kept having to stop getting ready and sit down and try to calm myself down.

I just had the UC appointment and I feel bullied and hopeless, he suggested I get into coding, wtf and I'm not in any way interested in that.

But he's sending me links to God knows what. Then he said he didn't receive my payment issue message so I have to start again with that.

But he seems adamant that UC isn't responsible for paying the bloody service charge, bins/cleaners/hallway lighting, etc..

So I literally blurted out trying to hold back the tears that I worry I'm going to be homeless if this continues.

He said I should seek out a Doctor for a sick note, Oh sod off. I've been trying to be diagnosed for what 20yrs???

And it amounts to sod all except making me relive it and letting the depression take over my senses and then being dismissed without support or referrals.

I will send him another message that I'll draft and copy and paste with every flipping monthly expense and then what they are paying me and they can draw their own bloody conclusions on where the money is to buy food and pay the bills, when there isn't sufficient funds.

I did intend to stop buying takeout, but the sooner the savings deplete, is when I feel like they will pay the correct amount.

It's a horror show. I'm scared for my well being, my sanity and not having a home to feel safe in anymore.

I can't shake the feeling I'm going to be living on the streets soon.

I don't know what's going to happen, I really don't. My health is worsening and things continue to stress me out.

How is this a normal life, when I'm forced to pretend I'm physically capable??

Something will push me over the edge, they send me on a course and my body will snap and never recover.....

I wish there was someone in my corner. I wish the only thing I had to worry about was what to write in BlogLife.

The good thing about it raining is that, if I find the energy, I can unpack and switch on blankie.

I did intend to visit Tescos the mini supermarket but I felt too sicky.

I have limited functionality so instead got to the bank and that's done.

I still need to do my eyebrow shape, the pedicure with Mama and her bestie isn't until next week, which is better because I still feel rough.

Half the time, I'm switching between the anti nausea and the cramps videos.

I got some half price pizza but not a huge appetite, I'm just munching to help settle my tum.

Plus I got some sprite, that also helped control the nausea. Then I saw an iced lemon cake and something that looks like knock off ferreros again.

I'm going to try to relax a bit now that I've unburdened myself. Life is just pretty horrid at the moment.

I don't even fancy dessert, that's how wound up I am. I would like to switch off and doze but I'm too wired and drowsiness won't come.

I need escapism, maybe I'll write some fiction but on the other hand, I've gone back to feeling sicky.....

#BlogLife882 - It's not how you look but how you feel..

That's not bad, the Iceland shop just arrived and I unpacked it and thought I would make an early breakfast but actually I don't feel hungry as of yet, so I grabbed some hula hoops instead ha.

I had an Android update for my A16 Samsung but no version 15 yet but apparently soon.

I enjoyed the salmon pasta from Zoom so much that I bought some more, this said lightly smoked but is the real version of salmon, the fillet variety, I hate the thin stuff, yuck.

I don't know what I'll do with it, probably add it to some sandwiches as I have half a loaf of bread left and not sure what to pair with it.

I got into yet another new show Code of Silence about a deaf woman who reads lips and ends up helping the cops but she get's over involved.

I know I shouldn't compare it to Sight Unseen as she is an actual detective who is blind but I can't help it as the main character in Code of Silence is so much more likeable ha.

Ugh this weekend is up and down because I have so much breast pain and cramps and nausea.

I think I will get another period soon, it's the only thing that explains it. I feel icky.

Ugh Twitter is acting up, it's not loading properly so I will leave it for a while but I was just wondering about something.

I'm a very ordinary person, the opposite to a celebrity but how do you feel when the lead people starring in a show or movie, like your tweets?

It's only happened to me twice and I go to their profile assuming it's a doppelganger fan page but it wasn't.

I'm chuffed but the cynical side of me thinks it's probably just their assistant reading out tweets they were mentioned in and not them personally acknowledging it.

My first instinct is to thank them and then I feel like I would be bothering them, I mean who am? A mediocre person.

I just find it entertaining to talk about films or tv shows because it generally relaxes me. It's escapism from real life heartaches.

By the way I've finished Code of Silence and highly recommend it, it wasn't too predictable, lots of action and giggles.

It's not often you see people with disabilities in the main role. In one sense it's don't underestimate us and in another sense it's could/should I be doing more?

Then the guilt washes over me and the pain rears it's ugly head. I feel useless most of the time anyway.

I guess in my case, people assume I'm faking or exaggerating the symptoms and I only I know the truth about my daily struggles.

The physical and mental toll. The inner peace I get from distancing myself away from others.

Talking of which I stayed away from chat for a few weeks while I was recuperating but last night it was too early to sleep so I popped on looking for one person JR.

And actually the first thing he said made me laugh instantly. Omg, you're alive? Ha, he is such a ham!!

So we had a mini update and then he had an early night so excused himself, I was glad because I was tired too.

He's a fly by night, not interested in a deeper connection, hasn't asked for email or a number, which tells me he's probably not as single as he makes out.

He is after all a J and those are dubious, every one of those, ha! But until I know for sure, we'll keep chatting.

#BlogLife880 - All over the place

Song of the day - Dave Hollister - Yo Baby's Daddy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCq6CRf8Ygg

Apologies I know it's another late post but I had a late night and late morning and busy day, so here I am, with thoughts scattered around.

Song of the day is back because as I was getting up this morning, I had the playlist going and it reminded of of when I was younger.

That's when I used to have the answering machine on, for my mobile, but instead of an outgoing generic message, I would play a snippet of a song, so whichever guy I was avoiding that was plaguing me with calls, would constantly hear it.

And it made me laugh because these songs had such cutting vocals at times, much better than I could articulate back then.

Anyway I tried out the Marks cheesy ravioli, it had too much tomatoey sauce and weirdly not enough cheese inside, it was nice pasta but again needed more seasoning and more cheese.

Odd that Mark's meals are very hit and miss for the price. Two newish shows maybe, I'm not sure of the release date.

One was called The Royals and luckily the english subtitles for this indian show were spectacular for once.

It's about this CEO Sophia who takes on a project to build and market a hotel centred around this Royal family.

Her love interest is Aviraaj/Fizzy, an irresponsible playboy Royal.

I wanted to like both or either of them but I really didn't. The lead Sophia just seems usery/manipulative.

I feel like the show wants us to feel sorry for her, or root for her success but as I continued watching, I couldn't care less.

It was the whole personality, the friction between the leads a quick hookup and then saying You're not my type I don't like you and expecting him to tolerate that and what?

Beg for a chance? Pfft. Then flirting with her ex who was convenient for an ego boost but at the same time throwing it in his face, he was jealous of her.

Yuckity yuck, I was rooting for him to leave her asap and he was headhunted away, thankfully, she stopped being able to use him and he grew tired of her bs.

The lead himself was troubled but he was push/pulling her away also, and I know that's typical standard fashion but only if the characters are likeable, which I didn't find they were.

Enough of that, onto the next one Pulse. I got happy as soon as I saw Justina Machado was starring in it.

It's about these young group of Doctors navigating through life and work.

One the lead, Danny/Danielle, is promoted after accusing her former mentor/boss (Xander) of sexual harassment.

She seems to have trouble coping with stress and confidence and experiences panic attacks regularly.

But as the story unfolds, I find it weird because both her and the love interest are flirting and dating and getting along mostly.

It all seems consensual, then she's changing in front of him and agrees to working along side of him without flinching???

It just seems like she's playing games or sabotaging his career on purpose.

I know it's just fiction but if she is lying I hope she get's reprimanded for it, that hits close to home to me as I've experienced a lot of harassment and it's not joke.

It is entertaining apart from that sordidness, although not keen on the gory bits.

#BlogLife878 - It still burns

It's funny, I woke up feeling a lot better, almost cured and now I've gone back to being delicate, throat still tender, ears now sensitive.

There's no mouth pain though. I've been gargling with salt water, listening to various binaural beats videos, sometimes it doesn't seem like it's helping, but maybe it is?

The essential oils are due soon, usually around lunchtime, but our Postie is very relaxed so they come at any time they feel like it, up to 5pm..

Mama has a theory that certain places they don't deliver to daily anymore, as she in her retirement complex she mainly gets post on Friday's which is shocking service.

But it's true because we no longer get daily post either, not counting the special deliveries which are tracked so they have to be on time.

Ahh he turned up just before 3pm ha and I finally remembered to ask for the regular caps, not the child proof and she delivered so it will be much easier to open, as I still can't get the lemon one to unscrew ugh.

Iceland finally had the chicken sandwich filler without pork or sweetcorn, I saw the tikka version and it's really nice mild and creamy.

I got some orange juice too. I think the subliminals helped my monthly as it seems way lighter now, no cramps or sickiness.

Just this burning throat off and on. I booked extra early the 8amish one so I was up 7ish and it's a good job as they were running late.

If I had done the 12pmish slot, which was the earliest, I would have been starving all morning.

They didn't show up until just before 10am and even then knocked and left.

Oh I just realised I didn't get the peanut bar chocolate thingy for a £1.

I have to double check, but I knew I would have ordered more snacks than one thing.

Might be doing the brows and pedicure at the end of the month unless I still feel under the weather, then I will cancel and make it April instead.

#BlogLife870 - Worst fears confirmed, UC doesn't want me to buy food

I'm trying to keep everything in perspective, that the whole UC payment thing is just a mistake but now I'm wondering, what if it's permanent?

What if it's literally only for paying the bills and no money to buy food or for the oyster travel card or anything else that I need?

I am dreading when the savings are all gone because that is the end of my safety net.

The fear of being homeless becomes all too real. I'll end up taking money that I've allocated to the expenses and buying food and household items with it.

I'll go into my overdraft, the bank will charge me interest. The landlord will say You are suddenly in debt to us for thousands and I won't be able to pay that and then they'll say...

You're a bad person, totally unreliable and a bad tenant, you're evicted, get out.

I've been thinking about that a lot recently which is why I keep bringing it up.

Of course there is my Mama's place but living with her and all the criticisms and having my needs and boundaries ignored..

My self esteem once more being chipped away until the depression comes back..

Being made to feel I am a waste of space...... That I'm just a colossal disappointment in her eyes...

I think I would rather live on the streets that deal with a slow painful internal demise.

At least out there in the world, it's quicker. This is where my brain goes when it's all too much.

I'm ill and instead of focusing on taking care of myself, I have to expend it on all this damn stress.

As always I'll keep you updated but it's not looking good. I wonder what people would say about me, after I'm gone?

Wellllll, she was always a chunky girl, didn't have the self preservation and discipline to control her weight.

Granted she was steadily getting slimmer but hey no matter what the outcome, I wouldn't have accepted her, she's doesn't belong, she has never been nor will be one of us, no matter what she says or does.

She was so anti-social, I would invite her out to things and she always made an excuse not to join in, even though a part of me hated her guts, I still consider it rude, to decline my kind charitable offer.

She had the coldest hardest heart of anyone I know. I don't understand why?

Sure she grew up with bullies but so what? She should have forgiven them, taken it on the chin and accepted her fate as a victim.

Sure she grew up feeling unwanted and unloved but honestly, is that any reason not to date and settle down?

It's like she refused to conform to the natural order, on purpose to spite us.

You know frankly speaking I never did buy into that whole chronic illness thing...

Don't you think she was faking for the attention? Pretending she was weak and feeble for the sympathy?

I never gave her any but to me it was an excuse to be self indulgent and not be as active as she should have been.

What? It turns out she was a writer/blogger/storyteller? Nahh, not her, she didn't have any intelligence to her name.

She probably copied someone else's work, palmed it off as herself or paid someone to write on her behalf.

I mean how could she create anything original or interesting? The girl was boring, she stayed at home, rarely socialised and didn't have any friends.

I used to laugh when I was with her, my phone would be beeping nonstop with calls and messages, hers?

Pfft was always silent. I mean you have to be bland and dull, to not have anyone rooting for you in your corner, right?

It's strange though, she couldn't even attract a desperate guy. I mean she wasn't pretty, we all know that.

She definitely wasn't confident, I mean she had no reason to be honestly.

But she couldn't even get an unattractive guy to commit to her. How bad must she have been?

MmmHmm Yea I read that in her memoirs, that something happened in her past.

But I think she most probably made it up, used it as an excuse as to why no-one would date her.

All in all, I'm glad she's gone. She didn't contribute anything. Unlike me, who is a nice thoughtful respectful person who only says nice things about people.

She was mean-spirited, only saw the worst in others. I didn't support her or like her and most of the time ignored her..

But she should have known her place as my lowest priority and should have been grateful that I deigned to her give any attention.

She's so ungrateful, demanding respect, pfft. Who does she think she is? Moi? Ha! She wishes, she is not worth your or my time. Let's go celebrate......

Now why did I write all of that? I feel it's the way people see me.

From family, to friends, to acquaintances, to randoms. I could lie and pretend it's not true.

That I'm seen in the highest regard, affectionately beloved but this blog is about honesty.

I had to lay it all out. Do I feel better? I don't know, numbness is taking over, the tears have stopped though.

#BlogLife861 - Is is better to talk?

Doesn't it just mean, the other person knows all your vulnerabilities?

I'm currently finding it harder and harder to get out of bed these days.

Now that the sun is out, the problem neighbour kids are swarming around like parasites.

If they're not smoking outside, stinking up the neighbourhood, they are kicking the ball against my wall and windows and one day it's going to smash.

Thud, thud, thud, is all I hear, the sound reverberating two whole rooms away.

Then UC wants to know my current rent, which sounds simple but it isn't.

I've told them the correct amount and it's still written falsely. The landlord said, it was due to increase this month, but instead will change in October.

If I tell them what I actually pay and that's not including the arrears, I have to include, when it changed and officially that's last April, what if they want proof?

I don't have that! There is so much confusing double talk, it makes my head spin.

I guess the most pressing thing is not hearing back from the DWP.

Maybe she does want to throw me in jail, find something concrete and say Aha, I was waiting for this, I stalled and stalled and here it is.

I can take your life from you, happily, since last October, her hands have been around my neck, squeezing, choking the life out of me.

It's like being back at home, trapped, slowly suffocating, walking around in my own safe bubble world, wishing things were different.

That I could breathe, that there was hope, that I would survive. There wasn't any peace then and there isn't any now.

This lil doom and gloom rain cloud is still stalking me. Am I ever going to be free?

I needed to get that off my chest, it helped somewhat but ultimately, I'm continuously stressed waiting for the next disaster to crop up.

I don't feel like my life has ever been my own. At the family home, I learn't that it was better not to express myself or my needs..

As it resulted in insults, humiliation, intimidation and the reinforced belief, I had no brains or personality.

Here, now, living alone, I can talk, I still find I don't want too, most of the time.

Maybe it's interesting for the other party to know I'm struggling but I find that doesn't help me at all.

Really and truly, talking to myself or you dear readers, is the only thing that takes away these crushing burdens.

I find I am going off food again. I try to buy things that seem appealing but when I go to prepare a meal, it doesn't strengthen my appetite, it puts me off.

I'm not starving myself, I nibble here and there but I do end up wasting food.

You know what I would love to utter actually, the only thing, right now that I can?

I'm a sick person. I'm not saying that for attention or sympathy, it's just a fact.

I don't want to look on the bright side of things. I have limited energy and I don't want to feel guilty about lollygagging.

Sometimes the pains are so intense, I can't stand it.

Why am I expected to be strong or cope easily? Why can't I fall apart and be depressed?

Sometimes I want to lie in bed and do nothing, just pretend I can sleep easily and switch off.

Why do I feel this guilt about relaxing? Gaming or watching movies/tv shows?

Why do I think I should be writing 24-7? The whole reason I stopped posting 7 days a week, was to give myself a break.

Why is that a bad thing? To look after myself? 

Why can't I maintain a positive attitude? Why can't I believe in myself and stay confident?

....... Because SS, you're a human being, not a robot, you feel things, like we all do.

You're trying to be better. That's all you can do.

Lastly why do I feel like I should be mingling, dating and making friends, when all I want to do is withdraw from everyone?

It's wrong to be alone, right? Or is it? When it's just me, I don't have to entertain anyone or pretend I'm happy.

I can just be myself and let down my guard, take off my mask and be transparent.

There is no-one on this earth I can do that with.

#BlogLife860 - We're going to flame out

I finally got around to checking the EE phone bill and there was this extra charge of just under £7 and I thought Noo, for what??

And I thought maybe it's just a transitional thing, or it's from calling/texting DL as he's away.

Turns out the representative reassured me that it was from the handset delivery cost, it just wasn't itemised.

I am so relieved and it made me smile that the 10% is coming out of the line rental, from £20 dropped down to £18 which is great news.

I feel less burdened already. Although a moment ago DL asked for the blog link and we've been having various shallow and deep and meaningful chats so he can handle it.

But he's still male and overall that seems to result in a negative outcome.

Every now and again, I have to be willing to put myself out there though and not only did I share it and die of cringe at the thought of him reading it..

I also encouraged him to search for the fiction and spoofs. I hate the thought of being critiqued but I usually play it so safe.

Too afraid to open up and share my words with someone that possibly may offer real feedback.

I saw these chicken and vegetable kebabs so I'm just cooking those and I have that special soft bread wrap and some dips, hummus or the garlic and herb will blend nicely.

I can't say I feel peckish but my stomach needs something inside it.

I'll probably leave half for tomorrow. DL says he really likes my writing but maybe he's being nice, to spare my feelings.

I'm just using humour to mask my insecurities, it's easier, than trying to figure out.. If I can captivate an audience.

The kebabs were nice, could have done with more flavour though and the veggies came out soggy, which didn't appeal.

I prefer crunchy and raw ones. I've just tried one of the pizza rolls that I saw.

It was £2 for a cannelloni sized portion. It reminds me of the mini ones they introduced over Christmas, except these are regular sized.

The breading is tasty, it's got the right amount of tomato and cheese, anymore and it would be a bit sickly.

I didn't find it too dry, most people would probably add some spice to it or dip it in a condiment for an extra boost.

For me I found it great as it was. It's a shame though, it's only in the cheese or pepperoni version, they completely ignore the chicken lovers, once again.

Oh I settled and bought a pair of earbuds finally £14ish. A bit more than I wanted to pay but I didn't see hardly anything with a long battery, it was only a few hours and that gets shorter after a while, so it isn't worth it.

And supposedly it has a 12hour battery life, hmm, we'll see. They are due before Thursday, I have the tracking link.

#BlogLife859 - Insomnia ruling over me

It's another hot stifling day today but this time I have the fan on as I forgot I left it charging all night.

I think I have a spare but I'm not sure where I put it, I'll have to dig it out.

The good thing is that I can finally use up the lollies and ice poles, because although I don't have much of an appetite, I'm quite thirsty and if I don't start drinking more, the violent cramps are going to return.

I should probably just ignore HM from now on, I've tried to be polite but he's on constant flirt mode and at some point, you just want to talk about anything else, like the weather...

I couldn't sleep at all last night, until the early hours. I'm not sure why it was late and I was tired but I just couldn't drop off.

I tried to clear my mind and practice deep breathing and maybe that helped as soon after I got a couple hours of sleep, maybe 4 and that was sufficient.

I should start pricing around for earbuds, the one with the long life q33, now only lasts 2/3 hours, where it was maybe 10 before.

Least they lasted 3 years. I've seen one for £8 and the other for £11 claiming to have 10 hours continued playtime but I'll see if there's anything longer at the same reduced price.

Last night one of the randoms pmmed me DL and I said quite cattily, this will never work as your Doctor and I believe they are the devils incarnate.

Kinda harsh I know but they aren't my favourite species, due to fighting to be seen and diagnosed, only to be told I wasting their time, I was lying and exaggerating blah blah.

Until I believe I was going crazy and perhaps I was just fibbing those whole time...

Anyway I was expecting a nasty response and he didn't say anything bad.

Just said, I believe I'm decent I help others but I understand if you feel that way, take care.

And I thought dang, he took that well, seems intelligent, polite, I try to give others a fair shot.

So I said, Let's go for it and we did end up having a laugh, he shared a bit, I did too.

I called him on witheld last night and he does have a nice English accent and there was no sleaze, surprisingly!!

So I texted him, sharing my number and we've texted a bit today.

He seems like a safe best for an acquaintanceship, because he's not looking and I'm a mess when it comes to dating so I guess it works out.

And on that note, I think the sms/text messaging service has officially migrated to rss messenger.

I don't think I can revert back so I'll just keep it. It's strange I can see his live typing a response.

Unlike whatsapp though, I didn't need the wifi on to see a reply.

Maybe it's the new phone but notifications seemed to be off. When I got a text, it only displayed in the text app, now on the front screen.

Now I think it's fixed. There's so many lil tweaks to a new phone.

#BlogLife857 - I don't have to be nice to you..

Ugh I was hoping today would be better. I made sure to have a late lie in, I think I got some sleep, bit broken.

But again I woke up to feeling sore, my arms or shoulders can barely move without the pain creeping up.

I think when it's like this, it takes over and my brain says, I'm off. Shutting down for the day.

I thought it was sweet that when I spoke to Mama last night to thank her for the food and meet up, she apologised for buying a small amount of pakoras.

As they are sold by weight and it's confusing, especially when they keep changing the bag sizes, that's why whatever I see, I normally buy the lot.

Mama gets half with leftovers for a few days and I do too, as it's not a regular thing but something we've never gotten tired of.

But actually I told her that it was the most enjoyable meal of my day, because it was so tasty and I didn't have the energy to move much.

So I appreciated it and we were talking about all the places that had come and gone, others were much friendlier.

Some had changed management sadly and the new owners put me off with their unfriendly attitude and recipe changes.

I always think it's strange to hire people with a snarky attitude in customer service roles.

There's so much competition out there, wouldn't you want someone welcoming and competent representing your business?

I always remember the original owner because either he was born in the same place as my parents or was just big hearted and greeted every customer by name with a warm smile.

He genuinely cared, didn't flirt just valued your custom and always gave me extra ha.

I don't really see that much these days. I guess to be fair, I don't visit many shops regularly, except the oyster one and the international food store.

Maybe people just have lower standards and are not classy anymore?

There is a lot more to be stressed about, nowadays but some professionalism would be nice.

Ok I just tried to scramble up to make breakfast/lunch, whatever you want to call the first meal of the day and I'm at the point, where every motion makes me say Ouch.

I doubt I will be blogging much or at all this week. Sorry about that but once again I can barely move about.

The pain is getting unbearable. If I do post, it will probably be short.

I can't manage right now, at the moment the pain is limited to the arm/shoulder but if it spreads, I'm going to be in agony.

Breathe, breathe, be calm and don't let the pain make you cry and fall apart.

Exhale. I'm going to get lost in fictional shows and forget my current status.

Take care for now. I'll be in touch.