#BlogLife1144 -- Rejected - But not from myself

I woke just before 8am and thought too early but I managed to get some more sleep actually which was nice.

I'm feeling sore here and there so I feel like I need extra rest. I had this feeling I'm dehydrated but at the same time, I do feel I'm drinking enough..

Just seems like I'm on the verge of leg or foot cramps and that's normally a sign to drink more.

I should go to the kitchen actually and get some water. It's just gone 1pmish and I should eat too but not yet.

I'm trying to get my thoughts to make sense. It's been 3 weeks now, since I halted communications with Mama..

And what became clear is that I actually feel rejected by her refusal to listen and acknowledge what I've shared.

I've spent my entire life being unheard, talked over, ignored, ridiculed and I thought finally sharing my deepest confessions would change our dynamic.

But everything has remained the same and she's always been unapproachable, my needs didn't matter and they still don't.

Anyway, that had been on my mind. I was trying to figure out what my issues are and Why I always feel like a burden to others, just for being myself..

Talking, sharing, opening up..... Just seems like nobody in real life wants me too..

Family rejected me for not being confident, slim and intelligent.

Males rejected for not being skinny, pretty or easy.

Friends rejected me for not putting up with being ignored and taken for granted.

Why does talking/writing/sharing always make me feel peckish ha..

I guess I'm the one doing the rejecting now because I just don't really care.

I'm tired of hoping for someone genuine to come along, to embrace all parts of me and see my potential.

I have to keep overcompensating and boosting my ego again and again.

I'd rather not have you in my life, so that I can naturally feel good.

Instead of disappointing you and hearing about, how I don't measure up and all my deficiencies listed..

The pain is bad and I don't even know why. It's just automatic. I thought the blankie would help but for some reason, it's staying on low, when I need it on medium.

Before I die, I'd really like to matter to someone. Just one normal healthy unscary relationship.

But that's too much to ask for and I just don't know how I'd feel safe exploring that possibility...

#BlogLife1129 - It's not necessarily so..

I feel very muddled. I convinced myself today was Wednesday and on the bed was the contact lens case again, where I swear I put it away..

Are there gremlins messing with me? It's lunchtime so for me brekkie time..

A beef toasty and a fishy toasty. I just downloaded some upbeat songs to my phone, so it's something fresh.

I'm not looking forward to Friday's hike, getting to the Market, with the buses only half running.

Plus knowing the morning nausea and tiredness is seeping into my pores.

But when I get home, I'll be able to relax. I haven't been promoting the blog on reddit, in words.

The links are there, that's enough for the moment but I have been getting involved in alsorts of discussions..

Lighthearted and serious and maybe by doing that, someone will be curious and check out my profile?

I'm honestly having fun though. There's more friendly interactions than I anticipated.

I just went ahead and did a grocery shop for tomorrow instead. I'm running low so it makes sense to do it sooner, rather than later.

I am feeling better but at the same time, tied in knots.. I did get some cleaning tips though.

Well one stood out to me, while you are waiting for your food to cook and are in the kitchen anyway..

Why not race to finish off a chore before the oven pings.. I guess by making it more of a game..

It feels less like an obligation. I think my brain thrives on that deadline..

I never know whether to put out half a post or not...

Eventually there are some new Iceland foods I want to try. I think beef sausage rolls..

More veggie samosas, chicken bakes and a beef and vegetable pastie pack.

But for now I'll stick to the basics and throw more things together.

Oh something I didn't want to say..

I'm not sure I will be away for Christmas this year. I am getting closer to the snapping point...

I don't know I'll see. I just have a feeling if there are anymore confrontations or things said to make me feel like garbage..

I may just ask for space.

#BlogLife1126 - Allergic to calls..

Does anyone else get these sudden cold/flu symptoms on long phone calls?

I start off normal (normal for me), and then as it progress.. I feel stuffy, my throat gets really dry and I feel infected...

It doesn't happen in person, only during lengthy calls..

Ugh I made a boo boo. I forgot to put the bread in the fridge and now the second loaf has gone off.

No more sandwiches, but lucky I have snacks and some pasta left, maybe there is more..

I'll do a shop for tomorrow or Friday, mind you, the uc is Friday.. Ok I have to do it for tomorrow, there's no early morning slot and I have to keep the phone free..

I was driving myself mad looking for my protein tablets, it's the beginning of the month so I wanted to do a deep clean on my lenses.

I didn't realise I had removed it from the packaging and rolled it up and stuffed it into the purple makeup bag.

I can do it tonight. I'm definitely having a nutty day today..

I'm performing actions and forgetting about them. I rested the spoon on the panini press while I was getting sorted..

When I picked it up, it was hot and I thought Oh No. It's been on all night but it wasn't switched on...

Literally 5 minutes ago, when the plan to make toast was on. I had turned it on to heat up, so of course it was still warm..

This happens when I'm split in too many directions, I can't focus.

Ugh the bloating and cramping is back.

Tomorrow if it's in stock, I''m going to try a few new things..

Poptastic onion puff crisps £1, x12. Nando's sweet chilli jam £2.50 x285g bottle, sounds interesting..

And McCain triple cooked chips, it was on offer for £1.67 x640g bag.

They are oven thick chips, so will take ages to cook.

#BlogLife1103 - My second to last day here..

I had a few hours of deep sleep so even though it was nearly 8am, I felt rested and now at 9.30am I'm up, trying not to make too much noise and wake Mama..

But I had to put on my lens to see and finally, after a whole day, Mama topped up my Oyster card but it wasn't registering online, so we thought it was a kinda scam..

Everytime I top up, by the time I get home it's been added or had the rules changed, where you had to make a bus journey, for it to be seen in your balance?

No matter, the crisis is over, the next day, my balance was updated.

Mama asked if I wanted to return but I got to get the maintenance stuff sorted with an appointment first..

Then kinda make sure the boiler is working, check the post, relax at home, have the uc appointment over with on Friday..

I think she feels a bit out of sorts, not being able to be as active as before..

Part of me, would have stayed a bit longer, if I had a phone appointment, the other side, is eager to get back to my bed and space..

My own routine of sleeping a bit earlier, not snacking at night, not drinking late and not forcing myself to eat things that I don't have an interest in..

I think my bag will be a lil heavier, but it wasn't really loaded to begin with, as long as the temperamental lift works, it's bearable..

We enjoyed the Indian banquet, there is so much leftover, grilled mild spice chicken wings..

Chicken biryani, chicken tikka and what I did, is what I used to do, but differently..

It was a strange thing but all the family, seemed to do it, so it became the norm for us...

We would fill a cup with fresh dhal and then tear strips of roti in it, probably grab a spoon and eat it...

Fresh buttery roti and dhal? Heavenly..

So what I did yesterday for the wraps, was drip dhal (lentil and veggy sauce), add the chicken, roll it and munch, with half the fillings coming out, ha...

But it was really tasty. I feel like rotis and chapatis are the same thing, but one always seems bigger than the other, when you order from a restaurant..

I was hungry at 7amish but now it's nearly 10am.. Suddenly I'm not craving anything, maybe another soup brekkie later?

The purple £2.50 makeup bag came, aw it's kinda small, so divided up the makeup and put them in that one and the other.

At least when I get home tomorrow I can chuck the green one away now.

I'm mostly done packing. I dunno when I'll return, maybe August. I wonder if the heatwave is over in my area too?

#BlogLife1102 - Crazy cod

I got some more gifts, cute purply bed socks, love those, a makeup case, mini lotions..

Mini foundations. I was craving a cod burger, so made a nutty version with leftovers..

Half an avocado, the remainder of the chicken salad filling, and toasted the buns and put the cod inside, really messy, but quite tasty..

It could have done with olives but I was too comfy too move. I also got a rumbaba dessert, oof that is so tasty, like a doughnut or gulab jamun but a different taste.

No rum discernment, just sweet and cream on the top, lush. I left more than half as I am stuffed.

Me and Mama crashed early and slept til 8am. I wanted to tucker myself out so watched Moana..

Too many damn songs. every 10minutes, good grief, hated that, fast forwarded those.

Seems overhyped for what it is. You'd think it was spectacular with the hype it got at the time..

I enjoyed it but, no love story. no big dramas... I'm not sure if I'll watch the sequels..

There's a proper original staff Ice Age next year, I'll watch that and hope it's not a bore fest...

Still no news about my skirt, which makes me increasingly angry...

They added a blooming proof of delivery photo, yet only sent 1 skirt, what the hell is up with that??

If I still don't hear back tomorrow, customer service will sort it. I don't want a refund, I actually want the other skirt to show up...

Strange day. Still no news about the skirt, so I officially reported it.

Then the foundations turned up... Umm not the 2x I ordered but 3x? Ha what is happening?

Everything is topsy turvy. I double checked but it was definitely only supposed to be 2x.

No explanation either, perhaps they wanted to get rid of the stock or noone was ordering my shade?

Strange, which reminds me, let's double check the shade.. The writing is too small..

It does look a bit dark but I can always blend it, Mama's samples she gave me look light or just right..

It was the colour I ordered, should last quite a while..

Something I've noticed is the pressure to eat, is putting me off food.

One minute, there is tons, then hardly any but I just can't turn into a robot and munch..

So to be honest, I've wasted a cake, some macaroni cheese and I thought I would crave fizzy drinks, but nope, plain water is still my favourite..

Ok well got my refund notification for the skirt, no apology or explanation, so that's that..

But I've seen the same thing on Amazon so that's an option too..

Today's feast, later on, which I am appetiteless for is rotis, salad, tandoori chicken and some lentil dhal, should be nice actually..

I'll make some wraps with it. 

Aww and a side note, Mama's hand/wrist is not a sprain but actually broken, so the doctor put it in a cast for 6 weeks and she can't swim but did get a sling, so hopefully it will heal nicely and be less painful.

#BlogLife1090 - Go go go, No no no..

Hmm well the Greek yoghurt wasn't sweet and neither are the berries but it's not sour either.

I just thought what could I add to make it a lil sweeter? I don't have honey or sugar, never buy it to be honest..

But I do have a smidgen of nutella left over, I could add a dollop maybe, I'll see how I feel.

Getting cool, works for a second and then the sauna atmosphere returns, I wet the ends and my face with cold water and it's refreshing for a whole second then it's evaporated, my hair is dry.

Thank goodness for bottles of ice water from the freezer and my cooling mist which is kept in the fridge.

What another horrid night, the heatwave doesn't seem to end. I thought yes let's be clever, sleep on top of the duvet...

It never works, I can't get comfy, it doesn't feel cosy, even though the duvet is suffocating..

The fan does nothing, the humidity sweeps over the room. I think eventually maybe after 5am, I got an hour or so, maybe more.

I was drained, my head sweating all night. That was a long hour to have the heating on, apparently it's another bad day so I wanted to get up early and put it on.

I still can't tell if it's the weather making me sick or pmt. My stomach just feels empty.

The weird thing is, I have no thirst whatsoever. I'm sipping water to keep hydrated and so that food goes down but it's a struggle.

I'm not bored of the taste, if that happens I stick an icepole in the bottle..

Oh the one thing I do have is hunger, that is normalish, there's loads to choose from, I might do the roast potatoes later..

I've no idea what to pair it with or I could cook the cheese ravioli..

Right now I want sleep but there is too much to do. I should do housework but I'm not sure my legs are up to standing for that long.

As I got the water, I grabbed some ready salted crisps to settle my tum but I don't have an appetite yet so I'll just leave it.

I wondered yesterday, what was the point of going to bed? Laying there, tossing and turning, begging for drowsiness to take over?

Maybe I won't go to bed early but after midnight? The backache seems to increase every time I'm standing up and I can't apply heat to it.

I'll have to play binaurals later. 

I had my first ice bath, not real ice, I remember having icy cold showers on holiday..

Oof once you get used to it, it's refreshing, I washed my hair and did not scream or squeal..

I was brave and now unfortunately it's getting warm again, boo.

Mama's back and she called me, she sounds happy and glad to be back, wow, to a heatwave of all things.

So I guess it will depend on her behaviour, whether or not I spend some time next month with her..

I updated her about the competition win and the debt, maybe we'll do some pampering soon?

#BlogLife1050 - There's something fishy about you..

Hmm is the brain inspired today? It's just before 9am and the usual Iceland guy G, came with me shopping.

No substitutions which was nice. I just double checked it was all there and boom it was.

It's soo frustrating to see the prices continually climb, from things that were reasonable to now ridiculous.

But comparing prices was fun because actually I found instead of 4x steaks for a £1 more, I could get 6x and pay less ha.

The wholemeal wraps look huge so that will be interesting to try. If I was sensible I would cut the steak into thin strips to make it presentable...

But I know I won't do that or maybe I'll risk a lil pain... Knives just don't seem to my friends anymore, grip, dexterity is too much.

I was surprised that the Baklava is back in stock, maybe it's proving to be popular, good reviews.

I thought it was because of Easter, a speciality item.. I was hoping the gulab jamun or the carrot halwa was there too, but nope.

I have a feeling they reduced the price too. I'm sure it was higher, now it's £2.50.

Someone mentioned a coffee flavour? I didn't know that. I've not heard it associated with coffee like tiramisu is.

I just made fishy croissants, bit bland, cheese, cod, mayo. I feel like it would have been better with hummus but I'm trying to use out the mayo first before buying something else.

The mint cornetto was the star. I don't remember it having tiny chunks of mint crisp in it before, absolutely delicious.

Needs nuts, well no it doesn't need anything, it just would have been better, I was munching pistachios on the side so a combination of sorts I guess.

Good value, 6x for £1.75. I am stuffed and trying not to think about next week.

3x meetings. I am going to be knackered. I'll pick up snacks to keep me sane, maybe..

#BlogLife1006 - Good manners, bad manners, table manners...

Afternoony, how's your week been? Mine's mixed, still nothing from the boiler maintenance people so it must have been an error text.

This weekend if I'm up to it, I'll do some light mopping and get around to wiping down the bathtub.

The cramps are still off and on as is the bloating, so I feel a bit yucky.

I had a lot of hand pain and feet pain so I have to make sure I don't do too much or I'll end up with another injury, that are so common to me.

I was hoping to sleep in today but they were drilling outside, I'm not sure what that was about, but very noisy..

I have a feeling Yahoo crashed because I couldn't access it for a while, some error code came up and it seems a common issue but I've never seen it before, refreshing didn't help and then eventually boom, loading normally.

Weird!! There's nothing really on my mind, I mean nothing new really, I was just thinking about dinner table rules that happened when we visited various relatives.

No elbows on the table, no licking the knife, I think some said no drinking while you eat your meal, just before or after, but my throat closes up during munching so that was a difficult one to follow.

And I remember the disapproving stares and the tutting of which I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes.

At those points, eating at home was a tad more relaxing but I think in a way that added to my complex of consuming in front of others.

That, critical all eyes on me, shrank my appetite to the point where it disappeared completely.

Plus everyone having their opinions on my figure, whether positive or negative, focus on my bloody personality, not my appearance!!

None of it helped really, thankfully I'm in a better place, physically and mentally.

But back then it was really hard to say Mind your own business!

I must have done a lot of secret chomping, snacking in my room and creeping down the stairs to grab some nibbles.

I wasn't very healthy and I couldn't hear that voice, that said Coooee I'm full..

Now it's loud and clear Knock knock I'm hungry or All done, no more food, we are at full capacity.

#BlogLife1005 - What am I doing?

I've walked into the kitchen a bazillion times intending to check if I have another contact lens cleaner in the cupboards or when this one finishes, I'll be out, but I never remember to check.

I'm so glad Yodel came early with a time frame, just before 12pm and my duvet came, I will change everything, maybe at the weekend.

I need to mop again already ugh. Why don't things stay clean? I'm such a loon, I woke up and realised I didn't put away my lens case..

Luckily I didn't toss and turn to much or it would have gone flying off the bed and I might not have found my brand new pair of lenses.

I swear I put them away but obviously I didn't luckily they were sitting on the edge of the bed.

I have to eat soon and will probably make a wrap. There is a Greek style bread wrap that I bought which is lovely, I just don't know what to put in it.

I think I'll do one chicken steak and one beef and break them in half.

Yep did it again, went to cook it and forgot to check my inventory and I should have gotten a bottle of water from the fridge.

I don't buy water, I just use the tap because when you're budgeting, it seems like drinks are a luxury.

I don't do that thing of trying to full up on water and having a big chunk of it before meals.

I think I have 3 or 4 bottles a day ranging from 500ml to 850ml and if you have a bottle instead of a glass you can sip it and drink more, until you need to swap or refill it.

By the time you get snacks and mains and then household things like bleach, that's the limit for the week.

Instead of the plain chicken, I got the hot and spicy, it's not really peppery though, just tame, which is perfect for me.

I wonder if I'll skip this month's monthly aswell as December... That would be cool. I do feel bloated though.

Ahh finally remembered and walked back into the kitchen, yep I do have a spare cleaner so I don't need to buy another one for quite a while, they last months, because you only need a lil bit, mind you sometimes it pours out fast.

I'm enjoy the Meeray almonds I bought to snack on, they taste cooked not raw and not salty at all.

I don't remember the price, the pack says £2.50 but they charge anything, and it has lasted me a while..

Ooof the randoms are crazier than ever. I can't recall exactly what I said, but I ended it with dear...

He replied Oh you've used that word it means you're 99% non British.

I've never heard anything so ridiculous in all my life, well lately, so I blocked and moved on.

He changed his name, logged back on and sent this paragraph of curses and insults...

Wow, you have got to laugh. I always think after that... No wonder you can't find anyone to talk too, your personality sucketh........!

I never understand that logic of being rejected and instead of shrugging and accepting, go on a rampage, it makes you look so foolish.

Just see it as no big deal, we all get passed on, it's not unique. Just say Ok, Nexttttt.

#BlogLife998 - Easing into the New Year

Well after the protein treatment on my lenses, I guess they are a lil more comfy, I'm not streaming with tears but I still feel them but an improvement is welcome relief.

How is it when you're half asleep in winter and wake up, you're warm enough under a thick duvet but as soon as you fully alert, you're frozen?

I'm still trying to warm up, it's so cold, I double checked the heating was even on but it is and so is the blankie, slowly getting hotter.

I decided to briefly browse the freezer and I didn't know what to munch so I grabbed some mini veggy spring rolls and samosas chucked them in the oven for 16 minutes and just had them with the creamy onion and garlic dip, so so good.

I forgot it's the weekend and I don't need to put up anything, will probably save this for Monday.

It's been ages since I did an oil treatment for my hair, I should do that soon as it feels a bit dry.

The only chores to do is putting away the washing for them to dry and some light mopping, everywhere else is tidy.

Oh and I should wipe down the sink too. I've been doing spot cleaning so there isn't much left on my agenda, which makes it manageable.

Ah the landlord's number was functioning so I checked my texts and it's back open from Christmas so I just paid my rent, checked my balance and as I thought, the last of the savings is dwindling down, last lot left and then completely broke.

Now is the time to wean off getting takeout, for real this time, so I can have a lil stored for emergencies like a new laptop or microwave.

Iceland had a bunch of new stuff not even advertised in the dedicated section and I still didn't know what I was in the mood for, so bought random things.

There was a Haribo funny mix bag going for 50p half price I guess but it wasn't in stock.

The Belvita honey and nut chocolate chips cereal bar was on offer 5x £1, saving 25p, I don't know if it's like a biscuit or a real cereal bar, I was curious so got it to try.

I also got some crumpets, to make sandwiches for a change as it was 90p for 6 of them.

And I've already got butter but forget to get cheese ha. I'm also excited to try the Slimming World cheese and tomato ravioli £3 steep, yeesh but it sounds nice.

Plus MyProtein chicken alfredo £4.75 I think this has been around for a while but never in stock, so sounds appealing, I'll probably pick out the mushrooms, ick.

And the last two things, cheese omelettes (£3), which I think I intended to put into the fried rice, Oh actually I think I have rice in the freezer..

And then a Chicago Town beef sliced pizza £1.75. I've been getting plain cheese so again, getting some variety and fun things to review.

Ah I feel better, just wrote the scathing new blankie review on Amazon helpfully will stop other shoppers wasting their money.

I can't help but wonder, these faulty products, why do they have such glowing feedback?

Are they even authentic? I've heard of sellers asking for 5 star reviews in exchange for freebies, it's happened to me but I prefer being honest.

Reviews help me get an idea of the product and if it's suitable. Actually when I checked back I did see some negative ones that I hadn't seen before..

Eeek the temperature has really dropped and there's more talks of snow, I hope it skips my area as other people have mentioned they have snow.

#BlogLife989 - Off but on, Merry Christmas :)

I'm still waiting for Zoomy to restock the Badedas shampoo, my hair and scalp loves that but it's still not there.

I might have to get it elsewhere. Ahh just realised, Sainsburys on Just Eat do it.

Ouchy pricey £3.15, and on Zoom it's £2.80. I'll get at least 2 bottles.

Plus I saw some beef pasties minis, those look nice, maybe they will have Quorn sausage rolls too.

But no cheap face washes. Oh they have the Covent Garden soup ouch £3 each, yikes.

So I added some chicken samosas and an egg sandwich, funny that they were sold out of the m&m's, oh well.

I don't feel hungry anymore but I'll sample a few things, the main things were the soup and shampoo and those were delivered so I'm glad.

The cramps are just off and on all day so it's not making me have an appetite as such.

I don't want to eat too late as it won't digest properly, but it's only 4pm so I have time.

I have to do the advents then I'll watch foodie videos, that will make me peckish after some mini reviews.

I was going to get some more fruit juice but I didn't want to spend too much, so left it.

I said I was going to take a writing break and yet still posting.. The brain doesn't want to switch off....

Bad brain, go take a breather..

The chicken tikka samosas, taste vegetarian but I don't actually mind because it's soft and tasty.

I just tried the dip with it, ooh it's like a sweet mild tangy peppery taste which actually compliments it really well.

I usually don't bother with dips but I'm glad I tried that. Tasty. If there's any left, I'll probably dip the pasties into that.

I need dessert now...

I could re-cook it to crisp but I can't be bothered. I like those. The mini beef pasties are also tasty, soft pastry, good size.

It's beef and maybe a veggy or potato, I can't really tell. The egg and cress sandwich is just yum, lots of filling.

I kinda fancy the soup, but it's better in the mornings to warm me up, especially when I'm not hungry but eating to heat up.

I do feel much lighter knowing my body won't be put through a painful travelling journey.

I just totally burned my mouth and throat on the soap, I couldn't resist it anymore, so good, I shouldn't have heated it for 5 minutes as I didn't want it to last for ages and stay hot.

I wanted to drink some of it now. I might be crazy but the carton looks smaller than it use to be, oh well, it will still last for 2/3 meal drinks.

With all the home remedies I've done, peppermint night oil sprinkling, listening to cold/flu binaural videos..

Drinking orange juice, trying to maintain an appetite. I don't have a runny nose, my throat isn't burning anymore.

I cough off and on but it's less potent than it was, the only thing is the limp tiredness.

Yesterday I struggled, I even tidied up a bit but by 9pmish I was wrecked, I wanted sleep so badly and that is so early for me.

I listened to music and watched videos and by 11pmish, I couldn't take it and went to bed but it was a horrid sleep.

I forgot to sprinkle the peppermint and it feels like getting up to do anything is so hard, it takes it out of me.

But having some rest is better than nothing. I got the samosas and pasties to nibble on to give me energy.

And it is still weird that I'm posting, normally I'm burnt out by this time of the year.

I think it's because I'm home, more on that in the new post...

I just wanted to say Merry Christmas if you celebrate, Happy Holidays if you don't.

I hope that you'll indulge and treat yourself and find some peace :)

#BlogLife987 - I wish I could close my eyes

Well the day started off fine, although I would have liked more rest.

But then the cleaner didn't rinse off my lenses even I doused it several times with saline and my eyes have been burning and crying all day.

I'm still having trouble seeing. It's still hurting, I took them out, I've applied drops all day.

I've listened to binaural beats and put the eye mask on, it's helped somewhat but I wish I had some glasses to wear so I could see and remove them and give my eyes a break.

Plus I've got the cough and now sniffles, so definitely caught a bug, explains why I've felt really lousy.

I managed to do the Iceland shop but my eyes were struggling with the laptop screen, it hurts to blink, yeesh.

I bought mainly frozen food and lots of snacks, plus orange juice and this apple raspberry blend, as it's Christmas and I don't fancy Shloer grape juice actually, just some vitamin c.

I think I miss the eggy muffin and the eggy burrito from that cafe, I could probably get it from the Market but I might have to wait a while and my back would be hurting.

I think I've done everything on my todo list now. Just some tidying left.

In January or late December I'll cancel Prime so I don't get charged but I still need boots, a winter nighty and lil stuff I guess.

This year I haven't done the usual Christmas movies binge, I'm not really in the mood.

Somehow I don't think I will publish the Christmas story this year either.

Gosh to be honest, I'm not in the mood for anything but sleep.

Ok, I made a lil boo boo. I thought I had one last Avon face wash left, nope all gone and binned the last one.

Either I can get one from Zoom although not any that appeals. I tried Just Eat groceries, just mens washes or Simple, which I don't want..

Or I could wait until Monday when I go to the Market for the appointment or could try Prime..

Let's try Prime.. Well I did see an offer for something I wasn't looking for ha.

L'Oreal Paris had a cleansing milk, halfway between a toner and a moisturiser, I think from £5 to £2.37 which is really goo for 200ml.

Perfect smoothing and Anti fatigue, hmm it does sound like me..

Then to what I really needed, L'Oreal Paris again Revitalift Vitamin C cleanser 150ml from £7.50 to £6 ouchy.

But I work it out to about £4ish each and that's pretty good for a premium brand.

They are both due tomorrow. I couldn't imagine not washing my face, it can be horribly oily or dry.

They are not the cheapest but I have enough moisturisers for a long while now.

As I was feeling really sicky and exhausted, I wasn't really thinking straight.

No time for plucking, just about managed foundation, my hair is flat as I used a bit of oil, no rain actually, so that was nice.

I forgot to pop in to that speciality shop to see if they had any nice treats, but to be honest, I have things at home anyway.

My UC appointment filled me with dread, the advisor wasn't in and I was referred to that prejudiced guy who is quite nasty and mocking to those with disabilities and just generally rude.

And I thought I really will not stand for disrespect today. I'm feeling rough and why do I deserve it??

But after keeping me waiting, not calling my name, emailing me and asking why I missed the appointment..

His colleague noticed I had been waiting ages and asked who I was here for?

To be honest I just replied my usual advisor isn't here and my appointment was 10amish and then finally the horrid guy appeared and saw me.....

But wow....... Different attitude. I don't think he recognised me or maybe someone slapped him into behaving himself as he was friendly and polite......

Holy moly, a lobotomy maybe? I was just grateful. Any further stress and I may have vomitted on him.

The pizza place is still half price, so got wings, cheesy garlic bread and a large pizza for about £21.

I am freezing, got to put on the heating, plug in the blankie, hang up my coat and start on the advents and UC stuff.

I'll probably open the last pepsi to calm my tum...

Oh that was it. The last thing to mention. As usual Mama texted me late last night and said she'd call tomorrow...

Last priority, expecting me to scramble and accommodate her. No sodding way!

I told her straight Sorry, not coming, I have a bug, cough and sniffles and I am drained.

I think she expected it and said That's ok, maybe next year but I can't see myself staying with her for a while, not while I'm fragile.

I grew up having my needs ignored, catering to everyone else and the belief was that I don't matter.

What I think or feel isn't important. Now I'm getting increasingly sicker, I realise it is significant and always was.

It's still hard though to stick up for myself. The food just got here and I realised, yet again, I left the tap slightly trickling on.

How did I not see or hear it? Ugh I make so many mistakes. At least I have 3 weeks off.

Hopefully I didn't empty the boiler and have to callout repairers.. I'm going to leave it on until late today.

It's cold anyway. It's a shame the pizza place stopped doing the cake or toffee pie, those were nice, not homemade but still good.

Ok time to relax and then jump into obligations. Maybe more posts this week, I will play by ear....

De-stressing is the most important thing. If I get to a point where I'm calm, then maybe I can work on the stories..

I hope you're having a good break :)

#BlogLife981 - Should I go through another blankie saga?

I just opened Mama's giftcard for Amazon and she wrote me a note apologising for the birthday dismissal crap.

I appreciate it but it doesn't change the past, solitude is still a welcome reprieve from others.

Anyway as the blankie keeps going off with a fault and it's 3 years old, I wondered if they were on sale.

Turns out they are. The best one I've seen is reduced from £45 to £30 and it's in a plum colour, my favourite.

But the best part is the extra large size. My current one seems small at 120x140.

And this one is gigantic at 130x180. My bones and muscles need heat to repair.

I don't want to be without one so I could risk it and not buy and have it break down and then pay full price.

I don't think so, let's hope this one works like the first one, super soft and really effective.

Aside from that, I've seen some nice ankle booties for about £20 so all I'd contribute is £10 so not bad at all.

I think I'll also get some more face washes and a moisturiser. It will save my legs, walking around too much.

Only if I get good deals though. Hopefully none of them will use royal mail, just private couriers.

I wonder if they will give me Prime free. I tested the waters, pretended to check out..

At first they said half price Prime. I clicked off, finally decided what I wanted, did it again and free Prime for a month came up woop.

No pesky delivery costs. The blankie was £45 to £30. The L'oreal wrinkle expert moisturiser was £10 to £4.50.

(Wrinkles, ha what wrinkles? I don't have any, I just wanted a cheap cream).

Then these beautiful ice blue slippers were £7, no sale so altogether after the discounts, prime, giftcard.

I paid the grand total of £1.50 ouch lol.

I don't like getting spares when something still works but I hate being cold and the blankie has been on all day on high but still feels low, so I'm quite chilly.

I will try to take some pictures for Twitter, unless I'm too tired or the light is too low to see properly.

I just put the moisturiser on Twitter but had to use the old phone as the other is charging, not sure if it's clear.

It just came at lunchtime, no time frame. It's lightly scented. Generic sweetness.

Light and thick at the same time, not massively dense, medium maybe.

But it just absorbs into the face easily, feels light, not greasy and leaves it soft.

I'm not really suffering this winter aside from my nose, it's in good condition, mini pimples come and go and that's it.

But it's nice to get a premium moisturiser every once in a while, just to take special care of your face.

I consider these all gifts from Mama, the blankie, cream and slippers, all of which I needed.

I like it so far, the only thing that surprises me, it doesn't have the inner soft protection lid, I usually see, to stop it messing up the top.

But that's not a major concern, it just seemed unusual, it was nicely boxed up in a padded thick envelope parcel type.

The last thing I was looking for was the UC benefit letter to show the Optician as proof but I don't think I have one, so I just attached what I did have to email and can show that.

Tomorrow is the UC appointment, then I find out if there is one more before Christmas and if the next one is phone or in person.

Then the Optician in the afternoon, where for the first time in 2 years I'll wear two contact lens, one in each eye, at long last.

Ugh a long day, the blankie is out for delivery and I won't be home, unless it arrives before 1.30pm or hopefully when I get back.

Then I just bought the bakery Too Good To Go bag for £4 and I'm not even sure of the location.

I really don't like visiting too many places. I'll get sandwiches maybe from Tesco, Indian sweets next door.

Oh and had the UC phone appointment, easy but I still have one more before Christmas and not over the phone.

Pity. I was going to post this before I left, but in case anything happens will save it for later.

Ick I'm having such a bad hair and makeup day. I had an urge to do the green glitter eyes, but I don't have any.

The green eyeshadow I have isn't dark enough, so I added some reddy purple but because it's overcast I can't see a thing.

I decided not to do the hair oil, so I can retain some volume but it's sticking up and not smoothing down nicely at the front and back ugh.

Maybe I'll be saved if it rains.. Oh and what was the point of Prime with no timeframe?

Saving on postage is good but guessing when it will arrive, isn't.

I am so dumb, the Too Good To Go bakery wasn't where I thought, again, £4 wasted, feel like giving up on it.

Weirdly I saw other bakeries that were on the app but I was too tired to look.

It's really funny that I was checking the blankie delivery and it said I'm the next stop and I was still on the bus.

Maybe 5 or so 10 minutes later he arrived and I'll unbox it at some point but not today.

Even though I bought sandwiches, will have that later or tomorrow, I wanted hot food and saw a deal, 2x zinger meals for £15.

so added some chicken and wings and hopefully this one won't take an hour, I'll try a new cafe when it's daylight.

Oh the Optician was fine, they didn't ask to see the UC evidence just questioned me.

It irked me a lil when he asked, Oh it doesn't really matter if you wear one lens or two does it?

It bloody does, even though the right eye is just for decoration, very limited vision.

It's still seeing a full picture and not squinting. He put a soft lens in to do some tests and it felt nice but uncomfy having full vision.

But when he removed it, yikes he scratched my eye. It's not really hurting anymore but I'll douse it in drops later.

I think I got the meal deal from Tesco, snack, ribena drink and I got 2x sandwiches or wraps.

Caesar and Tandoori chicken ones looked nice, I didn't bother with the chicken sushi, it didn't have avocado.

I can't see the receipt. I dunno, some saving £3 or £4 who knows.

I expected that delay with the lens but maybe a full set and they have my email and phone number.

Ahh strangely enough royal mail attempted the slippers delivery at 2pm but of course I wasn't here.

So who knows when they will feel like re-posting. That's it for now.

I also remembered to get me and Mama scratchcards, a silly fun tradition we do over the holidays.

Once a year isn't bad.

#BlogLife980 - Old tv shows

Sorry for the silence, I was just feeling really rotten. Last night I was cramping and today was no better.

At least half the day, my tum was hurting. Binaural helped off and on. I switched between anti nausea, cramping and pmt videos.

I was browsing on amazon for the coats, saw a few I liked, then boots and slippers, good selections but not really on sale.

P and I will probably fade out, he's less chatty and feels like he's messaging me out of obligation or habit.

I'm not initiating, if someone isn't enthusiastic,  then neither am I. It's all since I called him out on his behaviour of being a user.

I feel like Mama is pressuring me to join her for Christmas. I'm still not in the mood.

I just want to be alone to be at peace and take care of myself.  No more stress or anyone making me feel low.

I'm just done really. The advents are draining but fun, some have games.

I wonder what it's like to fully let your guard down and welcome people in to your space?

I'm starting to think I'll never again do that.

I guess Iceland is running late as someone called and said we've not got the crisps in stock, would you settle for another flavour?

I quite like that, as I'm not stuck with something that I hate. Plus she's really polite and friendly.

An update on the face brush, I'm hazy as to whether I've mentioned this.

I wouldn't recommend it for sensitive skin, even the gentler brush is kinda harsh on the face.

I'm not sure why, it's not painful but you would prefer to be softer.

I don't know why it's like that and it uses up the face wash way too fast.

It's easier to put it directly on my face sometimes. There was something else I was going to mention but I can't recall it.

I'm re-watching an old show, Life Unexpected, it's a love/hate thing, good acting but the premise irritates you because cheating and using and being vicious is the recurring themes.

Basically a 15yr old girl wants to emancipate herself, she's having bad experiences in foster care but for the form, she has to seek out her birth parents which are not level headed people.

The judge gives them custody instead and as usual chaos ensues.

The baby mama has a thing for the baby papa but she acts superior, all the time, totally offputting.

She cheats and doesn't take responsibility, she's rather blame others for her poor choices.

Then the daughter, acts the same, cheats multiple times and is surprised when she's dumped.

Yuckity! I just want to see how it ends though, because I can't remember who ends up with whom lol.

Ick, it's like the writers said I can't be bothered to thaw this out, so we'll switch partners randomly with no rhyme or reason just to wrap it up the way we wanted.

As up until the last episode, they are all kinda set as couples and then fast forward, not so much, sloppy writing.

I guess they didn't expect to be cancelled and then panicked and thought, let's just write nonsense for the ending.

My L'Oreal moisturiser is out for delivery, surprising that was it only ready from 11/12pm and not time frame for a so-called prime slot.

It just says arriving today. The slippers is coming Wednesday and the blankie is due Thursday, please be a good quality.

Please work properly, don't be another bad quality one.

#BlogLife973 - Am I crazy yet?

Oof it's getting harder and harder to get out of bed as it's soo cold.

I texted P he should carry me to the thermostat ha. He programmes his via text.

There's probably a way to do that but if I tried, would probably mess up the boiler so not going to bother.

I forgot to mention this yesterday, I finally discovered where that original coffee/sandwich too good to go place is located.

The one with the shocking hygiene rating, it's just before the turn in to the market.

The strange thing with that place is, it's very highly rated but the risk of food poisoning is too great, plus too awkward to get too.

Also I don't know if I've lost it completely but the bakery that used to be next to the pedicure place has mysteriously moved across the street..

Why on earth would you do that? I was going to pop in because I needed desserts and snacks and suddenly it's not conveniently located.

It's not near the bus stop and is not near a crossing. I could walk a bit but it's not worth it.

Maybe they are expanding and that place is bigger? But there store seemed huge anyway..

Also it no longer looks like a bakery, more like a furniture store, perhaps they haven't fully switched over?

Very strange. No mention of a re-opening either. Or notice of a move?!

People are odd, wouldn't they just lose their customer base? I'd assume they had closed down, not relocated.

Today I thought I would get up, put the heating on and maybe fall back asleep.

It was on for hours and didn't make any difference, I was still freezing.

There's no point disturbing my sleep then, once I open my eyes, that's usually it, can't get back to sleep, unless it was a rough night.

I'm still feeling that morning sickiness but the binaural beats helps.

Eek I just got a big scare.The groceries were due from 10amish..

And I woke at 8ish but didn't get out of bed or put on my contact lens and then at 9am, loud buzzing.

It was Iceland, yeesh scared me. I had to quickly let them into the main door and then ask Who is it?

But when he answered, usually the same guy, he apologised and said running early, sorry to wake you.

Ugh my hair was sticking up. I hadn't brushed or washed my face, yuckity.

Weirdly enough he handed me some letters, why don't people re-post, like I do?

I'm sure there is one from the Witch. I got some new things to try so will do foodie reviews later.

I don't know why I was immaturely ignoring my post. I think I said to myself, enough is enough, sick of being harassed.

But it's the government, can't exactly say stop bullying me. They will do what they like.

It's too early to munch but there are some new foodie videos to watch from Kbd and Greeno Eats.

The Gary Eats channel has formed a new collaboration. I think he got bored of solo reviews and teamed up.

He couldn't abandon his original channel as it's so popular, he claims that he was going to stop altogether because he's mature and it's too much....

I think that's a lie because he's given himself more work, hosting two channels...

That makes no sense. My fear, he wants to slowly kill off the orginal channel and get everyone to migrate over.

It doesn't have the same magic or cosiness to me. I've seen some of the new stuff but it doesn't seem as appealing.

If he was gonna to work with anyone, I would have preferred it was Greeno.

But it's his life and he can do whatever he likes to feel lighter and fulfilled.

I cleaned the laptop over the weekend, there was nonstop flies, even more so than in summer, very irritating.

I promised myself as soon as Monday came I would open the letters so that's what I will do.

Plus I didn't realise the idiot UC advisor, instead of giving me the usual fortnight appointment, as the last one was last week.

He's given me one for tomorrow, I have to hustle and do the specified applications and somehow upload it.

Also the bloody landlord gas thing has said Oh are you free tomorrow?

Noooo, I'm busy, yeesh, well I've read the letter and it's more DWP questions so I will answer as best as I can.

I don't think I need to send anymore statements. The theory is right that they have the information and answers but just want to continue harassing me.

It just keeps saying the decision maker, needs more details but they know everything, so why keep asking?

Maybe it's a good thing I'm out tomorrow, I won't have to specifically go out for one thing, I can multi task.

I'll post it tomorrow. Gosh that took ages and he didn't even give me the upload link, what a twit.

Only one was available the other was filled, oops. I'm shattered.

It's 3pm and only now I have time to eat, except no real appetite.

But I need to munch, I'm frozen. I don't know if the boiler is fritzing again.

I've had it on all day and it is working but it just seems low and it's the same with the blankie.

Both are really high, I'm shivering. Anyway, I'm heating up some pasta bolognese.

I can't be bothered to do the toasties. Almost everything is done, just need to fill in the form.

Again apologies for the irregular posting but I just can't seem to get my head right.

The more I push myself to write, the harder it becomes until my brain goes on strike and evaporates.

Next month will be the advents, there is very lil time as it is.

The microwave just pinged, time to munchy..

#BlogLife971 - Nothing more to me, Gamer/Writer is all

Ok, turns out I was slightly peckish. I grabbed the chicken tzatziki one with olives, tomato (yuckity), feta cheese and luckily it was in 2 halves and very pricey at £5 something..

But actually, it's delicious, it all works well together and I don't even like chicken and cheese together, except on pizza.

Or sometimes lightly spread on a sandwich. Anyway I picked out the tomato and would actually highly recommend it, the sauce plays well too.

I think this is the first time seeing olives in a sandwich, I used to add them at home to salads and sandwiches and wraps for extra flavour.

It's probably discontinued but my favourite sandwich from Sainsbury was lemon chicken, so rare but so good.

Quick add on, the southern fried chicken wrap was ok, had coleslaw inside it, I wouldn't get that again.

There was limited meal deals but mostly sold out. I forgot to get cake, I might try Asda next time, when I'm in a bind for groceries.

Think I prefer zoomy for the value. This is the second time using the new Avon mask, spreads ok, feels tight on the face.

I can't remember how my skin feels afterwards. I thought being hormonal I would break out more..

I think the mask is helping with the acne, I don't think I have any. Aside from my nose which is dry and peeling, the rest of my face is smooth.

I tried the bang bang chicken with rice, found it a bit dry and dull, I would not get that again.

I've been wanting to try some tandoori chicken strips that have been in Iceland but they haven't been in stock until now.

Maybe they will arrive or be sold out. Sorry I haven't been blogging, just haven't been inspired at all.

I'm living in my head cycling through the same imaginary story with different twists that I'm not transferring onto a page.

I got into a new game that is really addictive Word Associations, I wasn't sure I would like it.

But it's surprisingly challenging. They throw rows of words and you have guess and list them as to what they have in common.

Sometimes they merge into a picture and then it's hard to remember what the picture represents.

To be honest, I've used the hint a lot, you have to watch an advert.

Some do not make sense to me and some words I have to googly because I've never heard of them but it's interesting and simple and I like wordy stuff :)

The tandoori strips are nice good flavour, I'm not sure if it's quite tandoori but tasty enough, probably just needs a lil dip with it.

I've got the UC appointment tomorrow and immaturely been avoiding checking the post.

If he is there tomorrow I wonder if he will give me a new cv appointment? Twit!

I'm trying to watch more of the Passionflix films, some are not spicy but interesting romcoms.

I just saw The Will that was good, not as depressing as I thought and a fun pairing.

Not spicy but interesting.

#BlogLife968 - I don't fancy You

Song of the day - Bobby Brown - On Our Own

I picked this song, probably had it before because I was tiredly strutting past builders try to get energised, cool funky soon, made it home because of it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZpr4qQzeI0

Before I forget, had a tiny bite of that iced chocolate fudge cake, holy moly..

Very dense, sweet but not sickly, intense flavour of fudge and chocolate, not in the mood for pudding but had to try it, divine and soft, absolutely no dryness.

I had the sandwich and still hungry but not enough to get up, not sure whether to go for pasta or the dumplings or the bao??

Decisions, decisions, only the teriyaki bao is new for me, I wonder if I'll like it?

Feels like ages since I've done reviews, it's fun trying new things, even if sometimes it doesn't live up to the hype..

The biscuits remind me of nairn, like a dry oatcake, but nairn is way tastier and cheaper.

I did try to cook a lil teriyaki bao but I left it in the oven too long and it hardened, my fault so not much flavour.

2x minutes is probably the sweet spot, they say 1 minute but prefer to give extra time.

I don't know if the lil Tesco will have it but I saw a chicken and trimmings sandwich, no pork..

And chicken tikka samosas so those would be fun, there's a mango chicken and a pesto one too..

I think it's just struggling with the pain and energy, when I get in, I want to unwrap something and relax, not stand there waiting for something to heat up.

I try to play loud party music and get myself energised but 5 minutes away, just feels like a huge path to trek too.

I know it sounds ridiculous but that's what it is, when you're sick you're sick.

Least I don't have to wash my hair tomorrow. I should go for the pedicure or get my brows done finally but the distance away keeps putting me off.

Oh Too Good Too Go app, says after my next purchase, I'll get £3.50 to spend on an order.

So essentially, will have gotten my money back after all. I have to pick a day, I'm well rested and the back, legs and feet aren't hurting.

Tomorrow lunchtime meeting Mama. Oh I think there meal deal is around £4ish, drink, snack and sandwich.

Maybe I'll get a wrap. Ok just got home, ugh now that the roads are finally open, Tesco is closed.

So annoying I wanted to browse and have fun, looking at what is new.

I wonder when they will re-open, it's all taped up and restricted for some reason.

I don't know if there was an incident or road works or what.

Anyway meeting Mama was actually fun, neither of us were hungry, my tummy won't stop churning.

So we sat and talked and she's getting the heating discount too.

She said she tried a Greek restaurant but they were quite rude regarding the Too Good To Go app, she wouldn't go there again.

No one is forcing you to advertise on the app, you tits! No reason to be disrespectful.

I don't know if eating will make me feel better or vomit. Even a fizzy appletiser didn't help, though I left most of it.

Mama didn't get the pakoras at the rude place we normally visit, they had issues, but she said near Sainsbury's is a good alternative, although it's far.

Plus I told her about the food truck and she was so happy she loaded up for us ha.

I offered money but she said she didn't want or need it. The food smells so good.

I wish I could nap but got the UC stuff to do. I wasn't sure if I wanted pakoras, holy moly it's tasty.

I better get a drink and keep sipping, while I play anti nausea in the background.

I don't know if I'll blog tomorrow, I feel depleted and so sickly. I can't wait to wash off the makeup.

Oh one of the randoms was behaving really rudely, I don't know if it's the same one I added to discord.

I'm in no mood for it. He was saying, be careful other women want me, like stay on your toes, I know you really like me.

See I can't stand arrogance and deep insecurity, unless you add humour to it, like I do.

I replied she/they could have him, I have moved on and he just carried on, like, no you like me too much.

To say something like that, you have to be really sure of yourself, really read the other person and know that they are hooked.

I can take or leave randoms, so I blocked him. When it's not fun anymore and your ego is up your arse, you're dismissed.

Next........!