#BlogLife1054 - How do you prepare yourself...?

I've just unpacked the groceries and everything was there, aside from these beef puffy pastry thingys.

They looked fun to try, similar to the Asda ones, where they infused cheese into the pastry and it gave it an extra kick of flavour.

It was probably £1/2ish and it was a big bag of maybe 6 minis or more I think and then they stopped it, aww :(

It was quite dense pastry so fulling as a snack. Iceland has never had it in stock, I thought it was strange it was. Oh well.

I'm not big on truffle but there was a parmesan chicken pasta bake that had positive reviews..

I thought I would try it out, plus the Muller Corner Mississippi mud pie yoghurt, apparently toffee and coffee, that sounds fun.

The only reason I got it was the yoghurts were on a 3x £6 deal and most of them were nearly £3 alone.

I wanted to stretch out the desserts, 12x altogether I think. A mix of healthy and unhealthy because the others are fat free strawberry..

And a red fruits combination, which is lush. Also Aunt Bessie's roast potatoes because the potato pops seem to be discontinued and I loved that tiny dinky roast potato flavour.

I miss it. I'm hoping I find the energy to do that lil bit of cleaning but I woke up sore and now just feel drained.

Wow that was super fast. I only bought the eye drops yesterday and they are out for delivery with Yodel.

They predict between 10ish and 12pmish, just before 1pm. They haven't said how many people are ahead but maybe later on..

Typical nonsense, problem with your address, contact us, so I did and he was the slowest typer.

Literally 5 minutes later, the courier buzzed and it got here at 12pmish.

I don't know why they don't use gps. I'm trying to read the instructions.

I wanted to see if they said anything about removing contact lenses but the print is so tiny.

Hmm maybe I have lost my mind but the new drops smell of carrots? Umm why?

Strange, but they are nice and thin, they don't sting, thank heavens and feel refreshing.

I honestly don't see a brand name but I don't care as long as they make my eyes feels better.

And now the salines are being posted, supposedly 48hrs, but realistically as it's Royal Mail, the local service, maybe Monday and not Saturday..

I feel hungry but I don't and now my under eyes are feeling a bit stingy, probably too much eye rubbing.,

I feel as though I don't want to make anymore mess. I'm just going to finish cleaning tomorrow morning.

I'm going to get up early anyway. I think 8-12pm, maybe? Which means just in case I have to get up 7amish.. to be dressed and I never risk having a shower.

I need to be fully clothed and feel as safe as possibly can with strangers lurking around and who knows how many? Ugh don't think about it.

At least on Saturday I can sleep late, there is no reason to wake early.

I hope it's a quick straightforward appointment. The coming and going unnerves me so badly.

I think because I feel icky about them barging into my room. I'm going to try and relax, listen to music, distract myself and ignore them.

Tomorrow after they leave I will eat properly, 2x meals and snacks.

Today was just once. I'm unable to relax so I'm not going to force myself. I'm not starving, I was peckish, not anymore.

Plus it's very warm and that's making me empty as well. I want rain, lots and lots of rain please. Thanks :)

#BlogLife940 - Iceland goodies

I thought I would have a look, it's been a while since I checked to see if any new products were available.

There were loads but I'm only interested in the non red meat versions.

Greggs have a limited edition chicken fajita bake 2x £3.50. Iceland has a beef curry and sticky rice £3.75 ouchy prices.

Las Iguanas have a chilli beef burrito and a chicken one, chicken for me I think.

I hope these things aren't overly spiced. Iceland has new creamy chicken pies x4 £2.50 that's good, I like their own range.

And there was a chicken pasta that's sold out and a red thai chicken with sticky rice that looks good £3.75.

I personally now I've tried it and like it, prefer green thai, to me it's stronger and has a better taste.

But they are also offering deals, so 3 for £10. I'm only trying to get items that I really crave to kickstart a full appetite again.

I don't know what maintenance work was being done today, a lot of banging, seemed like they were cleaning the walls or windows, strange, that isn't a service that's offered.

There's no letters about it.

I'm done munching had the salmon pasta and the sandwich, plus some starburst and the hobnob biscuits.

I forgot to add this, remember the spring rolls I bought at the market that weren't spicy but needed extra seasoning?

I didn't notice at the bottom of the bag was a deliciously mild cucumber mint raita dip, ughhh. By then I had finished them lol.

Even though it wasn't the best, but it was goodish at least it was affordable. I really want to try the samosas and maybe the kebab roll, but in chicken not lamb.

Oh and the pakoras too, not sure if they are veggy or chicken.. And I bet all that filler food would be a tenner or so..

And by that time the buses will be running all the way to the market not stopping part way, so the food might even remain hot and crispy.

I need to budget and instead of me paying £15 or £20.. I can get snacks cheaper.

The only thing our market doesn't seem to have is a good Chinese takeout or a sushi place.

But I know other good places to get them from, it would be easier if they were within walking distance, I would spend less.

I have a feeling the next trip to the Optician or pedicure place, I'll pick up fish and chips and a cod roe, I've been craving that.

I can get the small version, it just won't be hot by the time I get home.

Mama's place and our local seems like they challenge themselves to put in as much food as possible.

The chunky chips are so plentiful, we can never finish and it's always fresh, a family business so it's never empty.

I need to get some more eye drops, a new towel, maybe a flannel and what was the other thing?

Oh yea face wipes too. I'm still waiting for the appointment to show up...

Ok 11.11am he turned up, there was no text this time so I was getting anxious I had been scammed again.

He was due before 12pm and I let him know everything, instead of not speaking up and regretting it.

I have no idea where the cleaners put the mop, the broom and the pan and brush, ughh.

I had things in sight for a reason so that they were easily accessible, if I can't find them I'll have to get replacements.

I just have a few more things to discard and that's it. I had to get the cleaner to open up an essential oil lemon bottle as I couldn't break through the child proof cap.

Embarrassing but hey ho. The other issue pressing on my mind is worrying about keeping things clean and manageable.

I'm really trying to do spot tidying as much as possible but I know there will come a time, when I'm injured or tired and it will get harder.

Hmm that took 20 minutes only but at least there wasn't much mess.

Umm I'm sceptical, he's coming back next week and I hope he didn't just do a rush job.

I deserve a thorough experience. It just seems too quick and easy.

I just thought it would be longer. He forgot to take the dvd player and I'm not reminding him.

I don't mind him having it, what I mind is.. I'm not convinced, it's all done.

I wanted to have peace of mind afterwards but I just feel I have been ripped off.

Maybe I am unnecessarily worrying for nothing? I have one more appointment with him next Wednesday.

I will address my concerns then because my appetite hasn't returned and I can't do a badly needed Iceland shop as I'm too stressed to eat.

He just made light of the things I said, not in a mean way but I don't feel reassured.

He did talk to me afterwards but I can't help but wonder if, he was just not really bothered to spend time double checking his work.

Or more eager to move on to the next paid job. I have to find a way to confront him, just so I can feel at ease.

I have to get over this mood but I don't know how. The funny thing is I can help other people feel better..

I just can't seem to do it for myself. I will try to continue grazing on snacks..

Maybe later, not now, my stomach is in knots. At lease the rest of the week is free.

Ugh what is even the point doing a grocery shop when I'm not munching.

I was looking forward to it. I guess I expected to feel differently.

I'm pretty sure the bins have been emptied, I heard a few trucks, unless they have forgotten about us again.

I'm just really trying to follow all these steps to improve my life and wellbeing so why doesn't it seem like it's evolving to a better place?

I'm fed up.

#BlgLife938 - No peace this weekend

I don't know what to do now. As predicted (Friday) is another disaster.

I got billed for today's supposed cleaning from Fantastic Services, only for it to be cancelled again.

Emop sent me a 15% discount that expires today maybe. Which horrible company do I pick?

I'm waiting for them to get back to me, as I missed the call. Maybe I'll get a discount from them too?

I guess if I am dissatisfied with the update, I will revert back to Emop.

I just wanted it done so I could relax this weekend until next week's appointments.

Now I'm in limbo, waiting, waiting, waiting. Why couldn't it be straightforward?

There's nothing I can do but stress and continue to be scammed for more money and no work.

Let's rationalise this out. If I pick Emop, there's no guarantee it will be done, but usually they can have cleaners at short notice.

Plus it's cheaper and they show up!!

If I choose Fantastic Services, they keep cancelling but promise to stay until it''s complete, if they ever show up..

They are way more expensive and I suspect want to find an excuse to charge me more.

Oh and the volunteering chats, two are dubious. I pay attention to inconsistencies and these are huge.

I'm not a fan of that, maybe it's a misunderstanding on my part, or they were nervous but it's put me off those two.

If I'm spending all this time listening, offering you my patience and sympathy and you keep changing your story, what is the point??

So it's 2pmish now, 3 hours to get back to me, to say, they'll be in touch?? Not so fantastic a service.

I just figured, Hey if I'm going to be taken for a ride again, might as well be the lower cost version.

I don't know if the 15% went through or not. Oh by the way, as of nearly 7pm, no news from Fantastic, pfft..

I booked with Emop for tomorrow and figured, if they have anyone fine, if not will try Sunday and/or Monday.

Then got a call to say, can't do it in the morning, 1.30pm is free though, ugh, always the afternoonys.

But I accepted it. They've preliminary charged £78 but only for 2.5 hours, not the usual 3/4.

I wonder if that will be enough? Doubtful, as they take an hour per room.....

Or even sometimes 4!!! Then I think for possibly every hour over, it's just under £7..

I'm glad it's a female and a different one, maybe she will take pride in her work and just get on with it and not go slowly.

Or for once, not try to pull me aside for extra cash...

I'm guessing either it won't be done yet again. She'll do one room and then quit...... And leave..

Or she will say sorry changed my mind, this job isn't for me..

Or...... No I don't believe a miracle will finally happen and I'll be happy with the outcome..,

What else will be broken or go missing??

As always I will update you and I have to stop talking to P about this, I'm sure he's fed up by now.

Maybe you are also but it's consuming my thoughts, so until it's sorted, I can't move on..

I thought of a compromise, if she can manage the bathroom and hallway, I'll say what about just doing half the bedroom ha.

Sounds really weird but I just want the 3 rooms mopped. I don't want to pay anymore damn bills.

If this is the only way, then I'll compromise. Just under 2 hours to go... Hmm..

It is so weird I have to sacrifice my needs... That was unusual the cleaner texted to introduce herself and confirm the arrival.

That's classy so I just repeated the instructions on how to get here and said call/text if you need me.

45 minutes to go. I gotta trim my hair and nails soon, they are both too long..

Well the cleaner is running late, maybe 2pm-4.30pm instead. At least she texted me though.

And no haven't eaten, no hunger pangs at all.

1.50pm - 4.20pm. Well I think it amounted to about 3 hours but because she was late, it wasn't really charged overtime, I don't think.

I went ahead and booked a cleaner for tomorrow as the hallway is done and the bathroom is done and my bank balance is done.

The only thing not done, is the bedroom floor. Once more wasting money, but to be honest, she was a lot nicer than the previous ones.

I'll hopefully get a full club and cleaning refund from the idiot service Fantastic and I bet they would have quoted a couple hundred to do it.

Altogether for 5 rooms, the total will probably be £280. The first clean was £115. (2 rooms), 5 hours.

The second was £78 (2 rooms), 3 hours and the third will probably be the same £78 for 1hr30 maybe for 1 room.

So because it's not done yet, I'll have crisps for dinner. I could get takeout but that's more money lost and I'm not even peckish.

I woke up early and even by 8amish Pret was sold out of the chicken baguette so I didn't bother with it.

They finally emptied the bins so I de-cluttered a bit and took the trash out, still more to go though.

After today is done and next weeks appointments are finished, I'm hoping my eating will return to normal.

The worry will be alleviated as the significant responsibilities will have been finally dealt with,

I still feel a bit numb, maybe it's hormones. It's been so difficult to get every seemingly straightforward task done.

It does feel nice that my place looks emptier and more simplistic with most of the junk gone.

Well, well, well. You can probably guess what happened??!!

The cleaner called to say she was running late and could it be after 5pm but as my room light is broken, there may not be enough natural light.

I wonder if craziness happens to anyone else?

She said she'd cancel the booking but then called back and said she couldn't, could she do it tomorrow instead.

I was literally rebooking for tomorrow and requested as early as possible.

She said 12pm would suit, which is good. This really holds me back but she's new and seems dedicated to staying until it's cleared up.

She can help me de-clutter and then mop and then maybe I'll feel like I deserve food, who knows?

I won't be eating today though, I have water. There hasn't really been cramps.

A lil bit of nausea. At least I can post this tomorrow to stop it turning into a book..........

I was watching foodie videos hoping that would inspire me to munch but I feel too twisted in turmoil.

If I do not make the surveyor appointment really soon, I'm going to be in big trouble, that's what is scaring me.

That's why I can't eat and do the usual food shop, well that and something else..

I shall probably post this way, way, way after 12pm and then you'll know, if she turned up, if it was spotless, if I'm finally done with cleaners...

Or if I'm rescheduling yet again for Wednesday as Tuesday, I'm busy.

(Ps unlike yesterday 5pmish came around and it's all bright and sunny. Ugh, could have risked the appointment).

I might as well add to this post as it is all relevant. I heard back from UnFantasic and they provided me a new quote..

I knew all those last minute cancellations were just a money grab.

They wanted to gouge me for more money just to declutter and clean.

The new price made me laugh, as it was 3x times the amount of the original.

I was not surprised at all. They wanted to stretch it out over 2 days, to make it more expensive.

If you cancel at the last minute, you can't call yourselves professionals.

Sorry before I can move on, I have to say this. UnFantastic called and was really surprised I wanted a refund.

She balked at my tone, that I wasn't happy and then said, Well you cancelled so I don't know about a refund.

I said No, You cancelled last minute, twice! I expect a full refund for your unprofessional service.

She said, maybe we can tailor it to your budget ha!! Then she was deflated and said Um, I'll consult with my team.

Pfffft!!!

Nothing more I can do about that. The cleaner from yesterday arrived.....

I was gobsmacked. She was nice and insisted on helping me declutter.

I have to say, the amount of junk accumulated was embarrassing.

It took all day to be honest but she stayed and did it and wasn't clock watching or complaining or judging.

She just got on with it. As I ran out of bin bags and had a voucher, I did a mini zoom and bought her the lunch deal, wrap, drink and chocolate.

It was the least I could do, it's not much. Oh and she spotted some booties she liked, so I gave them to her.

I don't really think I wore them, too big a heel and she really helped to put my mind at ease.

I can't explain why I got so rattled with the door opening and closing and any sudden bangs.

Anyway I hope the binmen actually come early this week, the neighbours will hate that I filled up the bins with trash.

Actually, she insisted that she was happy to take them out. I honestly insisted but she was stern and I was relieved as they were heavy.

And just like that my hands are stinging with pain. Unfortunately the Surveyor was closed by the time she was done.

I will contact them tomorrow to book it for this week. Oh and happy to report..

I ate some nuts and an egg sandwich, also water. I grabbed the starburst and crisps but I'm full.

The half sandwich stopped the cravings but because I opened, I finished it off.

Ok you'll be relieved to know, that is it. See you tomorrow.....

#BlogLife934 - Checked off

I had such a gloriously long deep sleep last night and it's put me in a great mood, because the insomnia was pretty bad due to stress.

The last of the chores is done. I booked the cleaner for tomorrow morning, an ouchy estimate of £109.35 to a £145.13 reality jump and there was nowhere to put the 10% promo code sadly..

I just added it into the comment section, I doubt I will get the discount for the deep clean, but it is a Bank Holiday weekend.

I just prefer booking cleaners for the weekend, it's way less hectic for me.

I can't see it lasting 4 hours just to mop 5 rooms, even though it's a deep clean service.

But afterwards maybe they will wipe the tub or sinks or help me declutter.

Either way, although I feel guilty about not doing it myself. I'm also sorta proud of myself for reaching out to get assistance as that is so difficult to not be seen as capable.

My hands are already tender and I feel devoid of energy just wiping a lil bit.

I still feel the flu is lingering, bit stuffy, bit sneezy but I feel heaps better being productive now the energy has returned somewhat.

The washing is drying and smelling delightful. I can't book the Optician and get my spare lens until the bus station opens in September so that has to wait.

I will also get my pedicure done afterwards and that's it really. Very high expenses but if it gives me peace of mind, so be it.

I'm not frivolous, I don't spend heaps on myself, I continue to budget and seek bargains.

Oh and will probably book the Surveyor appointment for the week after next, this one is already busy.

I forgot to ask for female cleaners and if I could stay as I don't fancy going out and Ohh just realised I'm definitely staying, the buses aren't running all the way to the Market.

It's weird I remember things and then instantly forget, so foggy.

I think Scratchy is done. I needed to talk and let things out and I did that.

Alright, a strange morning indeed. I woke up to see conflicting texts and emails from the cleaning service.

One said, Sorry no-one is available. The other said, Yes we have 1 person, so relieved it's a female yesss.

I woke up at 10am called them, they were busy and I was just about to email and they called back.

I do like them for that, they don't leave you hanging in that respect.

When they cancelled I felt a bit deflated. I didn't sleep until 4/5am but then it was bliss.

I would have preferred a morning slot, I did book for 11am, but 2pm was all they had.

I wanted it out of the way so I could eat but I'll munch after. I don't know why my stomach is in knots..

Maybe it's the uncertainty of them not showing up and then this matter is still pressing.

Or maybe it's the judgement of, this is you responsibility not an outsider.

Or maybe it is having an unknown person in my home. I'm sure the cleaners are vetted.

I had to Googly it and yep there are background checks. We shall see how this experience goes..

The first was a mixed bag, good outcome but damage was done and no apology.

Plus I think he was late and didn't stick to instructions. I just wanted to sleep.

I think I was just tense, a male cleaner roaming the rooms, making lots of noise..

That's why I didn't let him mop the bedroom floor, it was my safe space.

Argh I forgot to enquire about the promo code discount. I'm really curious as to whether or not I will get it.

I should for all the faffing around. You advertise for short notice, lots available and then say, Nope nobody is around.

At least she will get double pay as it's the weekend. Umm, let's just say, things did not go according to plan...

#BlogLife929 - Vanishing brain

 It's only 2pm but it feels like it's been nonstop dealing with the UC stuff.

As I said it was a shame they didn't have a writing course. I think that would have boosted my confidence.

They did have the customer service but actually I saw a counselling one, that's good for volunteering, dealing with people so I wonder if he'll bitch about it.

They said I qualified for funding and seemed to accept me, but as I was trying to prove I was a UK citizen, it didn't accept my passport upload.

Hmm not sure what that is about. At least I tried. Next I have to re-do my CV but as I said it's already in STAR format so I'm going to add that I've started volunteering at 7 Cups and that's it..

Oh yea sod it. I hate confrontations but after I finish tailoring the CV and upload it, I'll apologise and say sorry have come down with a bug so can't make it tomorrow.

I feel so obligated to do the right thing and sacrifice my health to please disrespectful others but I'm getting close to snapping.

I'm so fricking tired and there's still lots to organised. Ugh it never lets me edit the CV so I alway have to write it out all over ffs.

Oh I bought what I thought was the good yellow sunflower alternative Flora butter but I don't like the taste, the other one was much nicer.

Yikes I'm on my second box of tissues, good job I bought extra.

I have a feeling at the weekend I might have to get more. It's annoying that I need to follow a procedure in the to-do list and I want badly to do it all.

But I'm so drained. It's only Wednesday though there is time before the weekend.

The biggest thing is how bitchy the UC advisor will be at my absence. I'm not in the mood for his bastard ways.

The more stressed I get, the sicker I become. I want sleep but it eludes me.

Right got to sort the CV and message the prick. Ugh just realised something, before last time, he said it had to be 2 pages.

How the hell do you add more information and expect it to expand into another page?

You are such a dickhead and excuse the poor language in this but it helps me feel a whole lot better because I can't stand up to him or swear so this is the next best thing :)

I forgot about Googly Docs, lets me save and edit in any format.

It's done and to be honest, I didn't change a damn thing, just added that I'm volunteering on 7 Cups.

It was almost funny trying to reword it as it had the exact same duties as HearMe.

Come on SS, stop being a chicken and send it and tell him you're not coming in to see his smug heartless annoying face!!!

Alright I've done it, argh damnit, he's responded. I hoped he had left for the day.

Oh ok, no shouting, no threatening to cut my funds off yet.. He just said he'll call tomorrow.

Notice.. No I hope you feel better soon or any kindness whatsoever.

I'm actually surprised he didn't send me the upload message link, ha, well at least I jumped through his many idiotic hoops, even though I feel wretched.

I was planning to keep my phone on anyway. I don't know if I still sound nasally..

For the love of chocolate, please give me an appointment in 2 weeks, cripes!!

Let me recover and avoid trekking when I'm dizzy and nauseated.

I had some yoghurt, a sandwich and a lolly. I don't think I want anymore.

Water is refreshing but I wish I had orange juice or apple or blueberry or lemon.

Sorry this is another short one, I really can't focus. One thought pops in and then disappears, plus my head is thumping.

At least I'm getting things done slowly but surely and finding the courage to use the forum more, open up, ask questions, champion others..

Oh the other thing that is really annoying and the reason I'm fluey in the first place is the extreme weather changes.

Hot/Cold/Hot/Cold so the fan is blowing in my face and I'm hot and cold, then I throw the duvet off and same thing hot and cold.

I want to be snuggled under it but then I can't breathe.

#BlogLife870 - Worst fears confirmed, UC doesn't want me to buy food

I'm trying to keep everything in perspective, that the whole UC payment thing is just a mistake but now I'm wondering, what if it's permanent?

What if it's literally only for paying the bills and no money to buy food or for the oyster travel card or anything else that I need?

I am dreading when the savings are all gone because that is the end of my safety net.

The fear of being homeless becomes all too real. I'll end up taking money that I've allocated to the expenses and buying food and household items with it.

I'll go into my overdraft, the bank will charge me interest. The landlord will say You are suddenly in debt to us for thousands and I won't be able to pay that and then they'll say...

You're a bad person, totally unreliable and a bad tenant, you're evicted, get out.

I've been thinking about that a lot recently which is why I keep bringing it up.

Of course there is my Mama's place but living with her and all the criticisms and having my needs and boundaries ignored..

My self esteem once more being chipped away until the depression comes back..

Being made to feel I am a waste of space...... That I'm just a colossal disappointment in her eyes...

I think I would rather live on the streets that deal with a slow painful internal demise.

At least out there in the world, it's quicker. This is where my brain goes when it's all too much.

I'm ill and instead of focusing on taking care of myself, I have to expend it on all this damn stress.

As always I'll keep you updated but it's not looking good. I wonder what people would say about me, after I'm gone?

Wellllll, she was always a chunky girl, didn't have the self preservation and discipline to control her weight.

Granted she was steadily getting slimmer but hey no matter what the outcome, I wouldn't have accepted her, she's doesn't belong, she has never been nor will be one of us, no matter what she says or does.

She was so anti-social, I would invite her out to things and she always made an excuse not to join in, even though a part of me hated her guts, I still consider it rude, to decline my kind charitable offer.

She had the coldest hardest heart of anyone I know. I don't understand why?

Sure she grew up with bullies but so what? She should have forgiven them, taken it on the chin and accepted her fate as a victim.

Sure she grew up feeling unwanted and unloved but honestly, is that any reason not to date and settle down?

It's like she refused to conform to the natural order, on purpose to spite us.

You know frankly speaking I never did buy into that whole chronic illness thing...

Don't you think she was faking for the attention? Pretending she was weak and feeble for the sympathy?

I never gave her any but to me it was an excuse to be self indulgent and not be as active as she should have been.

What? It turns out she was a writer/blogger/storyteller? Nahh, not her, she didn't have any intelligence to her name.

She probably copied someone else's work, palmed it off as herself or paid someone to write on her behalf.

I mean how could she create anything original or interesting? The girl was boring, she stayed at home, rarely socialised and didn't have any friends.

I used to laugh when I was with her, my phone would be beeping nonstop with calls and messages, hers?

Pfft was always silent. I mean you have to be bland and dull, to not have anyone rooting for you in your corner, right?

It's strange though, she couldn't even attract a desperate guy. I mean she wasn't pretty, we all know that.

She definitely wasn't confident, I mean she had no reason to be honestly.

But she couldn't even get an unattractive guy to commit to her. How bad must she have been?

MmmHmm Yea I read that in her memoirs, that something happened in her past.

But I think she most probably made it up, used it as an excuse as to why no-one would date her.

All in all, I'm glad she's gone. She didn't contribute anything. Unlike me, who is a nice thoughtful respectful person who only says nice things about people.

She was mean-spirited, only saw the worst in others. I didn't support her or like her and most of the time ignored her..

But she should have known her place as my lowest priority and should have been grateful that I deigned to her give any attention.

She's so ungrateful, demanding respect, pfft. Who does she think she is? Moi? Ha! She wishes, she is not worth your or my time. Let's go celebrate......

Now why did I write all of that? I feel it's the way people see me.

From family, to friends, to acquaintances, to randoms. I could lie and pretend it's not true.

That I'm seen in the highest regard, affectionately beloved but this blog is about honesty.

I had to lay it all out. Do I feel better? I don't know, numbness is taking over, the tears have stopped though.

#BlogLife852 - Fakeaway/Mama's Day weekend

I had one day's reprieve from the cramps and nausea, now it's back so I decided instead of getting a takeaway, I would do my home version.

I got those kebab bread type thingys, they were on offer too ha. Plus some chicken tikka and sticky chicken.

I should have got some veggies too or red cabbage. Oh well and I'll create my own tasty wraps.

It turned out really nice actually. Just Eat sent me another gift code, which I might ignore again.

Maybe I should have got some fizzy flavoured water to calm my tumtum.

They are still out of stock the After Eight minis, but I saw Fox had these mint rocky bars for a £1.

I thought how bad could they be? I will try that out later or tomorrow but probably later.

I just want to curl up but maybe eating will benefit me? Actually the chocolates are pretty good, not overly sweet, bit of a crunch, biscuity type, tasty.

In the UK on Sunday it will be Mama's Day on the 30th March. I usually have no clue what to get her.

Typically it's a put together gift basket of chocolates or fudge, snacks or perfumes.

I don't think she needs anything specific at the moment. When she comes back I'll ask her.

Perhaps a gift certificate towards a full body or back massage, although it's quite pricey.

And/Or maybe some flowers? At least something relaxing after her exhausting trip.

Plus I have no idea what psychological games he played. Cripes I had such a violent nightmare this morning.

The only reason I remembered it was because I jolted awake. Quite literally someone was trying to burn me alive.

Opened the door and there was this giant man with a flaming torch, threatening me.

I was screaming Help or No or Stop but my voice got softer and quieter.

I didn't run exactly just moved backwards. Weird but it's always the same underlying theme about family, murder and fear.

I'm relaxed now but I couldn't close my eyes after that.

#BlogLife820 - Inconsiderate time waster/Who are you to tell me what I'm capable of doing??

I'm home now and just ordered food. I've got to say that is the only bright spark.

On Monday, there was 40% off the sushi and today the pizza is half price ha!!

I'm all about the savings, so I got some chicken tandoori pizza and wings and a drink, it's not spicy just flavourful.

I am frozen solid as the twits were running late, heaven help me if I swan in late but they can waste our bloody time as much as possible.

The pain and stiffness kicked in and now my stomach is lurching, but this time I think it's from hunger pangs.

I'm not actually hungry but because I was up early and have been out, my body needs fuel.

The appointment at the Jobby was 10am, so being a responsible person I aimed to get there just before.

At about 9.34am they call and I ignore it, I can never hear them and vice versa when I'm outdoors, too noisy.

A text pops up to say, Oh we're running late, come back in an hour!

Fuckers!!! Who texts/calls at the last bloody minute? You had all morning, most of us leave early to arrive early, we don't leave it til the last frigging second!

So I sat there waiting in the freezing cold, having just arrived. Then finally 10.30am arrives and I set off just before that.

They are still not ready. Asses! I wait another half an hour and then about 11amish, she's finally ready to see me.

By this time I'm struggling to move, the pain is established and I'm on the verge of tears.

She wants me to do a course for 9 bloody weeks, over 2 flipping months, 9-5pm???

WTF?! It's a technical IT course and that holds no interest. I'm trying to explain to her, that my valid concern is that I'm going to find it too strenuous, it being full time and that I was less interested in the technical side, more the customer side of things.

And she's like, Oh don't limit yourself, don't feel left out. I wanted to swing for her!!

Does she have any bloody idea how taxing it is for me to be active for even an hour, let alone 8 bloody hours???

There's no rest as it's every weekday and I'm still expected to do the job searches?? In what time.

Plus my priority is this blog and the stories but I can't tell them that.

I have hand/body pains, exhaustion, poor eyesight and stiffness. The pain doesn't stop magically after I take a break.

What it does is halt, remember the intensity, stay dormant for a small while and then if I continue doing anything active, it climbs and climbs until I feel like I can't move at all.

She's like Oh don't worry we'll support you. Like fuck you will, what are you going do? Stop the bloody class midway through??

Once I'm done for the day, I'm done, the pain has taken up residence and I have limited functionality.

I need rest and no activities. I can't see her being understanding about me leaving the course after 2 hours and saying, Yea I'm done for the day.

And the other thing was she compared me to single Mama's, like what the hell does that have to do with people that have  chronic illnesses???

FFS!!

Of course I bit my tongue and uttered none of the above and she's like yea, scan the code and upload some video answers in the interview, if you're interested.

Excuse me? No way! I shudder at the thought.

But I'm going to take the weekend and pretend to ponder it and then decline, let them penalise me for rejecting it, I don't give a fuck!

I feel emotionally calm now, no more cursy cursy. But my body is sensitive and the pain is starting to spread all over and worsen.

While I'm on a rant. It occurred to me that the Witch from DWP is on a power trip.

I've seen it at the Job Centre they can literally shout at you, insult you and the moment you raise your voice in retaliation to stick up for yourself, the security guards rush over and you get in trouble.

She knows she can say anything, demand anything and I have to comply, that's why she's stretching it out, when she has repeatedly got all of the information from me.

4 months later and all she can keep saying is wait to hear back to see what you have to do next.

Congratulations to her, she's excelling at making me lose my mind.

I'm surrounded by evilness.

Oh I just tried the part bake cinnamon swirls. It does take about 20 minutes to cook, the whole room smells of cinnamon but it's not that sweet really.

I didn't realise there was an icing packet, I was supposed to drizzle it over but it's frozen.

I'll just keep them in the fridge, it's not bad. It needs more sugar and cinnamon surprisingly.

I'm not sure I would get it again, personally I would prefer more natural sweetness and not to rely on the icing for the sugar content.

Also I prefer it softer, rather than crispy, it changes the experience and not for the better.

But I can't cook it any less as it's not ready to eat then.

#BlgLife810 - Too hoarse for you? Stop hoarsing around!

Ahh I can breathe again. I just had the UC meeting and was staring at my phone just prior, thinking please ring, don't send an email link to a video chat.

My advisor called and said Erm for some strange reason you were scheduled for a video call but I'm sure you weren't aware so I called instead.

I thanked him in gratitude but my voice is cracking and going so I wanted to laugh when he kept saying, Speak up, I can't hear you.

I was coughing and apologising but I couldn't speak up, I can barely talk because my throat is just dry and this bug whatever it is, won't leave my system.

It's been two weeks, shish! Anyway he actually was understanding and jotted notes about how I tried for the courses but were rejected.

Plus he said that I could have another phone appointment in a fortnight, if I'm still unwell, just to let him know.

I felt a lil guilty as it's been 3ish weeks since my last attendance so I said, I'll meet you in person if you want me too. 

I'm not sure if I'll be cured by then but thank heavens he said call, not video.

Phew!!! That was too stressful for words. Now that's done, I did a smallish/mediumish Iceland shop as I needed a few things and it's booked for tomorrow morning.

I'm not even sure I'll eat again today but I prefer to have the option of food available, than none at all.

I'm not even craving snacks or sugary desserts which is highly unusual.

But even if I just have a small snack or meal each day, it's better than nothing. I will try to keep my strength up.

I can't believe he said two weeks and not one, that's another miracle.

On JA it was every fortnight but ever since I've been on UC it's every bloody week, barring Christmas.

I have a lil bit of cleaning to do but I'm going to save that exertion for when I'm better, everything is still so tiring.

I literally struggled to take my dressing gown off that I put on just for the video call as I wanted to cover up completely.

And I forgot to menton Iceland is now stocking the turkey bacon, woop.

I finally have the energy to finish off this post. I've just felt drained today.

I unpacked the shopping and took out the bins and just felt like sleeping but I couldn't so I was lounging instead.

I watched some foodie videos on Youtubey last night and today and I have a slightly bigger appetite today.

This morning/afternoony I had a small chicken pie slice and some mini chicken balls, with some water.

Now I might try for a small meal, a lil pasta or rice and I'm running low on supplies and saw a lil £1 coupon so I did some shopping.

It worked out to about £4ish each, Neutrogena moisturiser, Eveline gel wash, which is new to me.

Lastly Avon pink clay mask. I was looking for scented products, I'm not sure they are, but they seem it.

Apart from my nose area, my face isn't too bad but I like to maintain the regular weekend pampering.

Plus it keeps me looking youthful and it's relaxing. I'll let you know more probably next week when they arrive.

#BlogLife801 - Disappearing from realty..

Well turns out I could have had a lay in. UC cancelled today's appointment, without informing me at all. I was dreading dealing with the nasty advisor.

That's a relief, however just as I felt some peace of mind, my anxiety went through the roof, when it mentioned that the next meeting, is a video call on the 7th January.

Yeesh I thought I would have had more time off than a further 2 weeks.

I've never done a video call in my life, I'm sure the camera on my laptop, is deactivated and the same for my phone.

I really hope that was a mistake. I wouldn't know how to unblock, yeesh why can't something be straightforward.

Why not just a regular bloody phone appointment? I would rather cut my trip short than do that.

To further pile on to this nonsense of a life, I looked at my Paypal, logged in and saw the statement, they didn't email me to say it was done.

I don't know if this is from the first request or the second but it's identical to the other one, with no running balance.

She will not accept it so for the third time I will have to call Paypal, Jeez!!!

Weirdly this one was only 92 pages. I can't deal with this incompetence right now, I just wanted to vent.

I'm going to do the advents, have some pakoras for brekkie and game to unwind.

You're only allowed a certain number of reports, I wonder what happens after that?

Hmm I just did a bit of Googlying, I don't think the rolling balance is even possible to do, hence why Paypal are not providing it.

You know what. I'm just going to send off, the one I requested. Then when she gets back to me, I'll explain it.

I requested it twice, the first time it didn't appear. The second time I had to look for it.

I read forums and Googylied it. There was no instructions. When I manually tried, there was an invalid date range error message.

According to Reddit, lots of people are in the same boat, panicking and being told it's not Paypal policy to do it.

Again she has the complete transaction history, anything else is unnecessary.

It's literally a witch-hunt!

I'm going to focus on the positive. I have something to send off before I leave, I can pop into the Bank and take some money out.

I didn't have to speak to the horrid advisor today. I'm officially on a Christmas break for two weeks.

I'm going to check the bus app tomorrow, well all weekend to check it is going all the way into Town.

Then at least I would have tried something. I feel very out of my depth here.

It's not going according to plan and it's all up in the air. I don't know how to fix this and make it end for good and release the tension that's building up.

I hate being stuck in limbo land. I see a problem and just want to fix it and move on.

I'm holding off from contacting Paypal, maybe this is what she wanted. Maybe the report is fine?

Who knows? I think I need a miracle. I still haven't been in contact with the randoms and nobody has reached out.

I can't say it matters. I've been preoccupied and I think I'm avoiding any potential confrontations.

Last time me and T spoke, there was friction and I feel like he should have given me a heads up and said, I'm a lil sensitive at the moment so now isn't a good time to talk.

Instead of lashing out. As that's what I do, I retreat and unravel the mystery of why I'm upset and who or what is causing it.

I should write some blog fiction or maybe a CrazySelfTherapy.

I'm not sure what would help. I'm not sure why I can't end this post, it doesn't seem there is anything left to say.

I don't know if I'll suddenly be inspired when I'm away and can take a breath.

Maybe the Christmas story maybe published in January? Maybe I'll be really irresponsible and start yet another short story that will never get finished?

I'm disappointed in myself. I had a lot of time to finish it but zero interest.

I actually do like the plot and characters but all I can focus on, is that I'm too boring, too hopeless to finish it.

Reading was such magical escapism when I was lil and throughout my teens and twenties.

Life was difficult. I was this insecure outsider. I tried to connect with people and in some ways I did but it just didn't seem enough.

I wasn't compelling enough to be friends with or to be cherished.

That's probably one reason I stopped trying to give a part of myself away, it was usually neglected.

I would sit up in bed, with the lamp on. My back pressed against the headboard, snugly wrapped in the covers.

Knees up or down and get lost in that world. Hours and hours would fly by and I would be in heaven.

Nothing could touch me. I wasn't afraid, I wasn't depressed. I was just content and soaring into this fictional world.

Is it possible, that I want to do that for someone else? Take them away from any nightmares or cruelties that life throws at them?

I didn't really think of that before now, however I think that's when my eyes shone and coupled with the imaginative dreams I have.

I thought, what if I could recreate that world? For someone to get immersed in.

A safe happy lil bubble world, even if it was short and temporary.

Could I do that, one day?? As a lil girl, I probably shrugged and thought no way.

No matter how preposterous it sounded, it always stayed with me though.

I hoped that one day, I would have the courage, to unlock my voice and try.

Back to the present day, I somehow managed it and you can too :)

#BlgLife800 - Hit another milestone, not worth celebrating though

I'm sure that's the first time that's happened. I quickly did an online Iceland grocery order last night, as they have started charging for delivery as it's Christmas and it ranges from £2 to £10.

Outrageous as it was free before. Good job I checked, I was going to do it for tomorrow, anyway I got the free slot and just got a call from them..

Which I didn't really understand, I think something wasn't in stock so she asked me what replacement I wanted.

But it came under the offer of 3 for £5. But I didn't know what was available and I felt pressured to answer her lol.

So I think instead of some chicken stick thingys, she gave me another cheese and onion roll thingy, which I've never tried.

Oh well ideally I wouldn't have bought 2 versions of items that I've never tried before in case I hate them but she didn't mention anything else ha.

Only 2 things and one of them, I didn't like. I guess at least she called to offer a substitution, it's just a small shop as I'm leaving Tuesday.

How are we at 800 already in the BlogLife realm and overall 984 posts, I don't know if that includes the drafts..

I really don't feel good as I just came on and the cramps are unpleasant.

Now more than ever, I really don't want to head out. This settles it, I'm waiting for the bus service to resume as normal and that's from Friday onwards.

Oof and then Paypal hasn't emailed me the statement anyway, I hope they haven't forgotten.

Hmm I was just reading some old posts to see how long the printing took, it was about 2 hours.

That doesn't seem right but then I just double checked the bus app status and it's not resuming on Friday, it's Saturday.

Ugh, looks like the weekend it is. Oh I just got my shopping and am trying out the cheese and onion rolls, they are delicious, not too much onion or cheese.

I'll probably freeze the second batch, it's not something I want all at once, tasty though, soft pastry, good flavours.

But a lot bigger than I was expecting. Actually that's really good value.

Oh I am so close to beating last years posts, that was 193 and this year is 184.

It will be close as I don't feel like writing at all at the moment. I've been stressing and worrying about cancelling Christmas at Mama's.

I kept checking Paypal and my email for the report and it was not there.

I'm trying to be patient and keep my cool but time is running out. I decided to call them up again and ended up re-requesting it.

I just laid it on thick, that I'm stressed, that I need this done before the holidays, that it's urgent that I want to spend time with my family but if I don't receive it, I can't.

She seemed really nice and understanding, plus sympathised and said she would get it done today or tomorrow.

I don't know anymore what will happen. It's Thursday and I only have Saturday, Sunday and Monday to print it out and send it off.

I guess if by Saturday it doesn't arrive, I'll have to call the Witch up and get an extension because I don't want to leave Mama alone.

But she'll probably give me another short deadline in which, I still can't get it done.

This is why I loathe relying on other people. I would rather do things myself but sometimes, it's just not possible.

When I attempt or complete it, I know I've tried my hardest and made the effort, others are just flippant and don't give a damn.

It is infuriating. I'm comfort eating at the moment, albeit with a limited appetite as I just was sick.

But I tried the Hershey's cookies and cream crepes. I'm not a fan of thin pancakes or filled ones, usually but I thought why not.

It's sweet but not overly so and quite nice, there was 5 in a pack for £2. I thought it was cheaper than that actually ha.

It's solid and a lil crunchy which I preferred and much better warm than cold.

I wouldn't buy it again, it's a lil too indulgent, I prefer the plain, lemon and maple syrup type.

Oh I just realised something. The deadline isn't until the 30th. I should wait until it's nearer the day and then call, at least I will buy myself some time.

Spend the holidays with Mama and still have time when I return to complete it.

Oh that's something at least, a lil loophole..

#BlogLife799 - The Bitch that stole Christmas

Hmm I've been Googlying nonstop, having nightmares last night, stressing and feeling overwhelmed.

I've been reading forum threads, searching Paypal help section and I think I've sorta figured out, what the hell she wants.

When I went on Paypal the first time and clicked on downloads, I selected all transactions, now specifically I think she wants Balance Affecting.

Sounds straightforward right? Well I clicked on it, added the date range, only it keeps saying invalid.

I'm not sure why as it did, the all transactions, selected simply enough. Some advise to download in csv, whatever that is, I usually do pdf.

I wanted to do both but neither of them are working anyway. Why does it hate the date range?

The only thing I can think of is that it's too large or it's in an Americanised format, but I tried clicking on the months and days and years tabs instead and it still wouldn't work.

I tried the contact us section but as usual, it's just a bot and that was no help.

I might just call her tomorrow and say I'm stuck because I don't know what else to do.

I just want it done and out of the way but she probably knew that I would run into issues.

Again, why on earth wasn't the All transactions, good enough??

Oof I finally saw a phone number for Paypal and contacted them, spoke to a nice guy and he just said I'll do it for you and email you today or tomorrow.

Arghh, thank heavens that one is done. Now to do the course thingy, although, I want to eat.

I made another course enquiry which said, funding isn't available and then one more, which said, they will get back to me.

I'm done, warming up some chicken chow mein and will see what else there is.

I do feel a lil bit better but another thing bothering me, is that the UC advisor calling on Friday is the really nasty one and he's so horrible and condescending, totally unfeeling on those with disabilities. 

I'm worried he's gonna set me some aggravating tasks, to further ruin the holidays.... With his prejudice attitude!

Anyway I have done everything possible, to please them all. I can't do anymore than that.

I'm worried that the library will close early for Christmas or it will be swamped and I won't get the help I need to download it all again.

I just need to take a breath and know that I'm organised and will get it all done on time, despite the many obstacles that I've faced.

I'm also worried about the pains and the walking, knowing how dizzy and faint I felt and how long it took me to recover, which is the whole reason I wanted a phone appointment in the first place.

But now I'm stuck having to head out. Do libraries open on Saturdays?

I still don't know whether to go on Thursday or Friday, or even earlier.

What is better, peace of mind or health?