#BlogLife340 - Death becomes me

I really didn't want to blog today, I knew I would be exhausted from going out twice this week.

The pain and exhaustion lock in place until the next outing but I had to be somewhere and the morning got away from me, decided to experiment with the hair, half up, half down.

It looked cute, even if it's uneven at the back. I didn't have time for full makeup so just did some lipgloss.

Nobody knew anything but the bus stopped once and said, hop on the other one and that one stopped a bit later and said the roads closed, everyone exit.

What the hell was the point? Just say up ahead has been barricaded both the footpath and the road.

I think the bus station was closed as cars whizzed by normally but buses halted.

Still I was determined, I like to keep appointments and I was halfway and then the road I needed to take was sealed off.

The sun was draining me of energy, I forgot to program in the phone number and I thought to myself, if you know, the area is blocked, why the hell wouldn't you call, text or email, to say...

Stay home, there is very lil access here, we will reschedule. But nooooo, there was nothing at all.

So in the end I had to turn back and saw half the bus stops were closed and there were roadworks blocking me again.

The man made traffic lights weren't working and I tried to cross and this car came out of nowhere and almost got me.

I had a major panic attack because I couldn't cross the road and I had to, to get the bus.

I just burst into tears because I was so scared and there wasn't anything I could do about it.

I was just worrying and people just walked by and completely ignored me, whatever, people are sick in this world.

It took me about 10 minutes to cross, I swear I had to wait until there was a family there and go with them because I was shaking.

I got home and found an indirect message.......Oh by the way, meeting cancelled.

Bastards!! You gotta excuse my language in here and on twitter but I need to vent and heal up.

I just ordered a pizza, chicken, olives and green peppers and some wings, plus chocolate fudge cake.

It will last me 2/3 days. I'm not even sure I am hungry, just trying to drink a lot and replenish the lost fluids.

Luckily I don't have to go anywhere for a week hopefully. I gotta clear my bed, so much, makeup, clothes and beauty supplies.

May your weekend be full of laughter and not tears. I'll see you Monday hopefully........I need tlc.

#BlogLife273 - Wake up or you're dead!

It's been a bad, bad day and it's only just gone 1pmish. You might think the title is extreme but that's pretty much the extent of my horror dreams, being chased, someone trying to kill me, or watching others being slaughtered.

The nausea was kicking my ass today but I persevered and did my hair and makeup. Actually I did something different, pulled the hair down and swept it to one side and it looked much better.

It's probably still flat and the greys are still winking at me but it also looks stylish and peppy. I clipped it back and it stayed in place.

There was lots of lil waves and curls and one tendril came loose but it appeared as though it was on purpose. 

Today could be a record I had about 4 or 5 panic attacks. There was a lot of triggers and I already felt dizzy and sickly and then I came home, I forgot to put the light on so the hallway was dark and I got turned around.

I literally didn't/couldn't see where the hell I was, where the doors were. It was petrifying. I slammed into a door because it's like I couldn't see, everything was dark and the light switch was hidden from me.

How messed up is that? I was so relieved to be home where it's safe and then I just lost my bearings. At least I had music to pick me up..

I would be a basket case if not for that. I fancied Pret but they are not taking deliveries so I settled for Greggs, which is pretty good actually.

I still feel like I can't catch my breath though. As I've said before, my nightmares mesh together from deep rooted stress.

That's why I try to be organised and do things one at a time, but sometimes the pain is too much and I quit for a bit so it becomes demanding.

I'm getting a couple of hours sleep at the moment. Mostly I lay awake, look around the room and listen to music or asmr. 

I try to clear my head but subjects float in and out. It's hard to close my eyes, knowing that I could be in danger and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

I just have to be in the moment and stay absolutely terrified. On a lighter note. I received the protein tablets I ordered for me and mama.

Also I discovered a hidden gem. Elizabeth Taylor makes sublime perfumes and I barely realised that they also do giftsets.

The lotions and shower gels are phenomenal nothing lacks the quality and now there are body mists that are a hell of a lot bigger than the perfumes and half price.

I just got mine and it's my favourite to date. Sparkling White. Oh my final highlight is a kaftan came back in stock.

It's not the exact same version but hopefully it's thick and warm, the last one lasted 5 years and all the others I've bought barely last a year so I don't mind investing in this.

It's a silky looking dark blue. The only thing I detest is that it has a zip. I'm not keen on those or buttons on a nightgown/kaftan type product and it digs into the skin but we'll see..

Yodel is bringing it, maybe this weekend or earlier...

#BlogLife172 - All eyes on the freak

I'm breathing but I feel choked up. It doesn't feel as though there is any air passing through my lungs.

My hands aren't shaking but panic floods my senses.

I closed my eyes wishing it would depart. All eyes flicker on me.

Is she crazy? Get out of my sight FREAK.

Do you have any idea what it's like to have to involuntarily shut your eyes in the midst of a panic attack?

I can't look forwards because it's unfolding, that trigger I can't bear to watch.

I'm holding on to door, pleading with myself not to collapse.

There is no sense of how I can protect myself from this dangerous element.

I want to see my surroundings and feel safe, knowing where I am but I cannot open my eyes until I know it has passed.

It did but I can hear myself breathing and I feel shaky.

I managed to get my headphones on and listen to music and felt calmer and more in control.

I know that I won't feel normal until I am safely inside my home.

I managed to pick up some tissues, that I still cannot get from Iceland and I had completely run out.

It was 2 for £1 which was quite a bargain. I also selected some pocket tissues for a £1.

Topped up my oyster with £10 because the driver seemed to be in space...

I kept asking him if my card went through and he was staring at me blankly, so I just kept swiping until he eventually nodded.

When I asked my balance from the guy at the til he said minus £1 lol.

I was okay feet/legs wise but I just couldn't make myself go towards the takeout places.

I skipped breakfast and it's 2.08pm. I don't feel hungry as such but like yesterday I am trying to stick to a rough eating pattern and that helps to ground me in a sensible routine.

I went into that special supermarket again. I swear I am addicted, I walked past the bakery selection and wow they looked scrumptious.

I just had no idea, what any of them were. No labels and I felt embarrassed to ask.

I could have picked up desert but I was carrying drinks and crisps in my hands as the basket was too heavy to carry...

My second panic attack came when I realised once again they had moved around the bus I normally take home.

One minute it was showing on the timetable app and the next it was off.

I finally got up and checked the schedule only to see it had switched to somewhere that wasn't clearly marked.

I walked up and down as others were confused and it was just difficult to stay serene.

Eventually I checked on the opposite side and it was there. They have moved it to 2 different places so far.

I pointed out that another stranger was lost, was in the right area and he in turn told me the bus had arrived and was behind the current one.

I hadn't even noticed and had missed several buses while waiting. Grrr.

I feel okay now that I am back home but it was all I could do to stop myself having a meltdown.

No-one said anything mean but it was the looks. I really do feel weird and small.

I can't cope and I admit that freely. My eyes are now swimming with tears and it was a long time coming so that's a good thing.

I am really trying to curb my spending but just this once I might grab a takeaway from Just Eat.

There is a 20% off deal on Tuesdays. It's been yonks since I had a chicken hotdog and a chicken kebab burger. It's just a pity, they don't sell dessert :(

Floundering

I had an onslaught of panic attacks and this time no tools to help me combat it. I had barely slept the night before, severe cramps having kept me up and in the morning after missing the two alarms that I set. 

There was nonstop nausea. No time for makeup or even a breath. I looked down at my phone and unfortunately it was completely dead.

No secret tool to help me face the outside world. I was ok at first and then I had a multi trigger attack and I just froze. People kept asking me if I was alright and I mumbled yea. I feel like such a freak even after all this time.

It has really been such a rough couple of months. There are less comfortable positions to sleep in and walking is just shuffling forward grimacing at how tense and tender I feel. 

I was hoping to get a break and go away for a bit but it was cancelled. I spent the holidays alone fatigued by pmt, constantly running out of food and distancing myself from loved ones.

I broke off contact with my last penpal. Part of me thought that I would have more time to write and the other part knew I was just empty inside. 

My creativity has abandoned me. It's a new year and I still don't feel whole again. I had a dry December opting not to snack anymore and have stuck religiously to it even now but nothing else has snapped me out of the funk I am in.

I keep reminiscing about my younger days, walking, partying, shopping, just being spontaneous. Now I have to think about whether there is seating, transport close or how close it is to where I live incase I need to rest. 

I miss those days. I miss the girl I used to be. I loathe saying no to invitations because I know that it is an all-day event with no time for a proper break but this is just my life now and has been for over a decade.

Another of my highlights is gone as I've just been told my account is officially blocked/banned from the bingo promotions for life. 

The only thing I can think of is that I had not made a deposit in a while but kept withdrawing and I may have made a few complaints about cheaters. 

There are countless multiple account names listed winning the free bingo so I suggested they look into it but nothing came of it, yet moi, with my one measly honest account gets condemned, pretty laughable really. 

Good job I have another bingo site I use. I have made a delicious profit so I didn't make a fuss, just said fine. Down the road I will look for a suitable replacement.

I think the only bright spark for a while has been my unflailing confidence in myself, someone recently tried to make me feel inadequate and I didn't even feel a little hurt. 

I just calmly told him that he himself must have some deep insecurities to try and make someone else feel bad. 

I finally realised that if I ever did start dating again and fell into old patterns with a nice man on the outside and a vindictive man on the inside, that I could handle myself and not turn myself inside out trying to be a perfect ideal.

Quack doctors

I'm feeling really conflicted at the moment. Possible changes are around the corner finally but now I have to face my fears and make a doctors appointment.

I haven't done that for many years now because I hate the medical profession that dismisses you and makes you feel crazy.

Like you're wasting their precious time because they haven't been able to diagnose you and you don't fit into anything typical.

When I switched to my third and final doctor. I gave it my last chance. I have been sick since I was a teenager and all they were content to do is make me go back and forth with blood tests.

Telling me that I was making up my symptoms and that I just needed pills and more pills. Antidepressants, painkillers and iron tablets because my body doesn't process iron very well.

I'm someone that doesn't ask for help. I fix myself. I do whatever I feel is best and relying on pills isn't and trying to be recognised as someone with chronic health issues is just as detrimental to my health as the symptoms themselves. 

I started to question my own sanity and wondered if maybe I was making it all up but then I moved and did something routine and the pain was instant and then I knew. 

My pain was real. 

Right at the beginning. I reluctantly accepted the cocktail of medication that I was prescribed because it was necessary. 

However being a numb walking zombie and not being able to keep down food, sleep or feel anything was horrendous. I just felt paranoid and blank. 

Defying the doctors orders. I took myself off them and felt immediately better. It still surprises me how strong I am deep down but I've been through a lot and treating myself naturally without chemicals is far better for me.

Hot/cold gel packs, massage cushion with heat and simply resting is all the assistance I need. As for the panic attacks, my secret weapon is distraction. 

Eyes averted, deep breaths and music playing in my ears. If I don't or can't do those things it is ten times worse and it's all I can do to stop myself from passing out.

Is insult/judge me written on my forehead?

I seem to be an magnet for people that appear sweet and thoughtful and then because we think or act differently, the tentative insults come out. 

My guard was up as it always is but I want to learn to trust more and be open even though this situation invariably comes up.

Good naturedly it seems she offers me a present. I think, how thoughtful but unfortunately it isn't suitable so I sincerely thank her and explain a bit more about my circumstances..

Thinking that she will understand and accept my reasons for politely declining. However she seems to take it very personally.. 

Admitting to being in a similar situation but with her she doesn't limit herself but carries on regardless but if I did a whole day of that I would be on bed rest for a week.

So again hurt but instilled with manners I tell her I admire her strength of character. She then follows up with.....no wonder you have negativity in your life and then I reach the point where I snap because I draw the conclusion that she thinks I don't even try. 

I didn't expect her to be judgemental or to readily assume people don't have limitations set for the good of their health. Just because she pushes through the pain, I can't believe she expects me or others to do the same.

There have only been a few instances with her where I have been in a foul mood compared to the majority of the time when I am playful, cheeky and witty. I am not a robot. 

If I'm experiencing pmt/pain/tiredness or being surrounded by rude people I should be entitled to be temperamental. I spent far too long suppressing my emotions until I had no self worth or jubilation remaining.

I have pushed past the pain many times before and then the pain will spread everywhere until I am in agony. It is at this point I find it almost impossible not to cry and this is humiliating. 

I reach my breaking point and can't control my emotions. There is too much pain which is why I avoid too many strenuous activities. 

I know my limitations and I am responsible for taking care of me, noone else, so for me to act nonchalant and blindly accept a gift that will backfire is not practical. Aren't gifts supposed to evoke happiness?

I can always sense but not necessarily tell for sure when someone is being less than kind but what cemented it was the weak, bitter, sarcastic apology. 

That's when you know you have been called out and need to think about what you've said to me or how you have acted towards me as I do listen and pay attention..

To everything that goes on and you better believe sooner or later I will call you out on it, then disappear because frankly I have seen an unpleasant side to you that lingers.

It would have been vastly different if the apology was sincere and you took into consideration the details I included but you didn't. 

You claimed to be empathising with me but I knew that you were lying. The aggressive tone just kept increasing and then you were surprised when I reacted strongly.

Every day is a fresh challenge. I may have suffered nightmares, panic attacks, flashbacks which then make me relive in excruciating detail the trauma, raw pain or general soreness and insomnia. 

I have to follow my routine and try to avoid all the triggers that make me feel downcast. Otherwise I feel I will crumble and never stop crying.

I put on feel-good tunes and I am able to function. My mind is suddenly lifted and I can get on with whatever is on my schedule, up until the point where the pain starts to hit me. 

It may start off in one area and then some mystery pain will surface or suddenly I will feel dizzy or incredibly tired and I feel mad at myself for giving in and either taking a nap or resting. 

I know that it is the best thing for me because it halts the pain and lets my body stop straining itself but sometimes I want to be stronger.

I feel weak at times that I let people get to me and that it doesn't take long for the pain to surface. I should be tougher by now.

Words should bounce off me but they hurt still. I'm not made of mush am I?

Knocks pain out of my mind temporarily

Today I set out in good spirits wondering if I could achieve a few of the things on my ancient task list but as the bus neared to my destination, at the shopping centre I felt the familiar pangs of foreboding.

I dread the walking around, the build up of excruciating pain and knowing that once again I will not be able to be the girl I once was. Energetic and carefree.

This time however being fed up of letting my body dictate what I could and could not achieve, I decided to once again think positively and give myself an inner pep talk. 

Pretend I had boundless energy and that the pain would somehow not be present until after I had concluded my business. 

It worked. I just cranked up the happy tunes and just thought I can do this.

I realised I had forgotten to bring in a form to hand in but no matter. I headed in the direction of the pound shop to pick up some beauty supplies. 

I remember ages ago I used to spend £6 on a single bottle of Rimmel foundation and struggled to find my shade elsewhere but by chance I tried out Poundland's version and found my exact style. 

It's a smaller tube but it lasts me a good while and I just stocked up on it.

Next I hoped to pick up some cooling mist, such a great buy but unfortunately they were sold out and unsure if they would restock them as summer is almost over sadly. 

I saw some nail buffer blocks which I have been dying to try out and they are much less abrasive than what I'm used to but I think they will also last longer. 

I did try to pick up some eyebrow pencils but unfortunately they fell out of the basket and my back would not permit me to bend so had to leave them be. 

Lastly I just wanted another notebook and some pens and then I checked out horrified that it was self service, so I ended up bending anyway to put the items in the bag and that's when the pain started to hit me.

Instead of walking fast with long strides. I made another smart choice and took smaller steps and that really helped maintain the pain. 

It didn't really increase until I got home and then it was quite bad but it was worth it. 

I had an unfortunate panic attack trigger but with my new found strength I just blocked it out and kept taking deep breaths and telling myself that I would be alright.

I stayed still, had my music playing and waited for it to pass. I don't know what the right or wrong thing to do is in these situations but I do what feels right for me.

A few minutes later the trigger disappeared and I put my hand back down, composed myself and blocked out images that threatened to send me over the edge. 

I just carried on walking until I got to the bus stop and sat down feeling quite proud of myself. 

I know that it won't always be that easy. I have had triggers where it affects me so badly I can't stop shaking or crying but I am trying to cope better and with each new post, I find that I can be that much more open.