#BlogLife292 - Pmt/Pms depression

I feel like because my cycle is so off my hormones are at their craziest. One minute angry, then sad, hungry, depressed and deep in thought, sentimental, romancing..

I think I'm up to my fourth 1 day period. This last one didn't even last a day. It was just the afternoon. 

Very light and then it was over, there was nausea, cramping, bloating and mood swings.

I'm still craving sugary things. not chocolate really, just something sweet in the afternoons.

Sometimes my brain races ahead. I lay my cards on the table for future scenarios and say oh by the way, it might never happen but this is my opinion, just in case haha!

What a fruitloop?! I wonder if anyone else does that?? Please say yes so I'm not the only looney.

I also just seemed to be really upset and sad. I processed the bad volunteer chat. I'm not dwelling on that anymore but something feels residual. 

I find myself withdrawing again and instead of reaching out, I say to people, focus on your own needs, not mine....I'll be fine, toodles..

I think just between you and moi... I am waiting, well not desperately but a small fraction is curious if someone will actually say....

Actually SS, I can see you're not fine so let's focus on you and give you a lil bit of tlc.

It's like I've had all 4 full term periods because I've gone through all the emotions each time.

There is someone I'm actively pushing away or testing or whatever you want to call it.

I'm just not entirely sure if I am doing it for my sake or his. It doesn't seem ideal on paper, however we get on swimmingly well and seem to fill each other's voids.

My brain just can't get around the big reality practicalities because they are huge.

Me being poorly, needing to rest a lot, not being active, the selfishness of being my own person and catering my own musical/movie/foodie delights.

Or even something as huge as relocating out of the area I have lived all my life and am comfortable in.

I think some men just get lost in the feelgoodness of it all and ignore the obvious obstacles, whereas I just like to look at them and think.....

How on earth can this survive because from all angles, there just doesn't to be a way to maintain it.

They think short term, everything seems peachy right now, why rock the boat?

I just come along and screw with that because you can only live in denial for so long before you wise up.

I'm not sure what outcome I'm expecting or hoping for. You're right? Goodbye? Or we'll find a way...?

I feel guilty about bombarding him but it's how my brain works. I spiral and have this need to divulge my thoughts and see what the reaction is...

I didn't sleep well last night, even worse than usual so I had my phone off all morning until lunchtime and then it was off again.

There were missed calls and texts that I wasn't in the mood to return. I could have dialled him back but I felt cranky.

I did text back and say we don't need to communicate, I'm tired, you're busy and he agreed readily which stung lol.

Then by mid afternoon I finally was able to nap after putting on the heated blankie and curling up.

I just can't seem to snooze without it covering me, even in summer, peculiar.

When I switched on my phone I replied to messages and we started talking like natural, all day, maybe lunchtime calls and occasionally evening ones.

I like him but dating is not realistic, someone that has to come down to see me, as I can't travel.

Someone that has to be patient because being in constant pain makes me frustrated, angry, weepy and despondent.

Someone that realises I'm never going to be fit and healthy because any lil bit of movements seem to cause catastrophic strains.

Someone that knows, I'm not an open book at all, It takes time for me to reveal details and to trust them, it's not an immediate stance I can ever take.

Someone that knows, when to leave me be, let me rest or let me heal myself because I'm overtired and overwhelmed and not coping.

Someone that can support me but not push me into anything, that recognises, I know what is best for me.

Lastly I think, someone that makes me feel utterly safe and relaxed. I have never had that before. I've always had to watch out and be on the look out for abuse or lies.

By the way, the outcome of the chat was that he was understanding about my concerns and fears. He got where I was coming from and just acknowledged how I felt was normal.

He appears to be very different that I'm used too. He is open and talkative but actually has opinions and a backbone.

He's not afraid to say No to me or disagree and he doesn't back down which I respect.

Before I seemed to be getting my own way and turning people around but not in this case.

It's very appealing.

#BlogLife280 - Wait on me

I want to be someone else, not because I'm ashamed of who I am but because I'm tired of propping myself up each day.

I'm tired of my Insomnia

I'm tired of PTSD on top of PTSD. I didn't realise how traumatised I still am about my childhood.

I buried so much. Maybe if I wasn't still dealing with my ongoing family's mind games I would have been better by now but it's still the same actions.

I'm going to have to do some therapy/fiction or both to draw some of it out so it's less intense.

I'm glad today was completely uneventful. There were triggers about but I managed to avoid them and keep myself in check playing feelgood tunes.

I did feel a bit sicky but that seemed to subside. I'm not sure why I'm having 1 day periods but my cycle has always remained weird.

It's the second time this month it's happened but normally it's spaced apart between early in the month and the last days.

This was just 2 weeks apart. I was going to pop into my favourite store but I didn't want to be tempted.

However I got home and realised that I actually did want some snacks so I ordered my usual sandwiches and I thought I would try out Yum Yums.

I think I sampled them before and wasn't keen but heavens above, these are soft, glazed and have sugar sprinkles, plus icing.

It's totally obscene food wise and I am going to cut down on unhealthy foods but these are sublime.

Pret sold out of my chickeny goodies so I opted for Gregg's again and to be honest I get the 20% off as it's Tuesday so it's probably better.

I haven't had a fizzy drink for ages so I bought the Cloudy Lemonade which is tasty but slightly tart as are all there drinks it seems.

It does balance the dessert though so I'm okay with it.

BookLife has gone into the 34th chapter and I'm not sure exactly where I want it to go, it doesn't have long left but I have to wrap it up in a fun way.

It's so unrealistic and some things I google and still get baffled and others I just completely make up.

I'm going to eat and watch episode 3 of the Flight Attendant as I'm behind and I just finished binging The Closer which was so so funny.

There's something fascinating about cop shows, maybe that's why I wrote about crime themes in a few stories but I never touched on the police influences until now.

I am enjoying the show which is a different spin but the characters, no the writers annoy me a lot because every word is a curse word.

It's just lazy uncreative dialogue. to me that marrs the whole experience. You can have a frustrated character talking without swearing.

You can use body language, you can come up with alternate words but yeeesh it's so offensive to the ears.

I use bad language a bit and it's not something I'm proud of but that is not an every day thing and it's only when I'm extremely vexed.

#BlogLife210 - The battle of the moods....

Who will win the coveted cup for best mood? Pmt is making me depressed and annoyed but on the other hand I feel quite high in good spirits.

Although this morning after barely sleeping I felt extremely nauseated and was dry heaving for about 5 minutes straight.

I'm just trying to look up how to avoid Paypal or bank fees or whatever the charges are, when you send to friends/family.

You can do it for free but the process is confusing. I always forget the steps in the correct order.

I'm looking at the Frequently Asked Questions and I have found the bit I was scouring for.

You have to do it like this :-

1. Click Send & Request

2. Click Send and type in the name, email or number.

3. Type the amount you want to give.

4. Instead of clicking Paying for an item or service, select Sending to a friend.

Ooh more good news. I discovered why the headphones weren't connecting on the calls.

I don't remember it happening before but I just have to click on the name of the headphones and it activate it, even though it's already set up for calls.

This happens in the midst of the conversation and now it's working perfectly.

Strange but at least it's not bugging me any further. I spoke to BT about whether or not they are getting any new mobiles and the answer is No!! Grr!

She mentioned since the alliance with EE that they are encouraging people to switch to them for their mobile requirements with a 20% off deal switch.

However the Broadband should remain with them because they are superior in that region. Odd.

I did have Tmobile (former EE name) ages ago but I'm not sure I want to go back, apparently the service dropped significantly.

I have time to decide and will see if I get a good deal and free phone out of it.

Last night I finally just went on my splurge. I saw the multipacks of Saline solution and got that.

There is a quadruple points offer going on Nectar. Spend £5 and click to activate it and it ends on the 16th February.

I also bought some tops and trousers from Yours Clothing. I thought I had purchased from them before but maybe it was somewhere else.

I got a pink star top, plain black top, this fancy purply flowery blouse and two sets of wide leg, split flare black trousers.

I've always liked the bootcut design, straight leg is so frumpy looking, especially for a shortie like me.

I'm nervous about the sizes to be honest. I hate returning things.

It should arrive tomorrow or early in the week. Everything should be trackable.

I'm excited. I still need a jumper, a new coat, some tshirts and maybe some new comfy boots but those can wait :)

#BlogLife202 - Once sweet, twice salty

Yesterday I did manage to go to bed early, well actually it was midnight but I slept about 1ish and it normally takes a lot longer.

I wanted to wake up early in case the repair guy was premature. The regular guys shows up first thing in the morning, the others keep their appointments.

Anywhere from 12pm-8pm and it's now 10.48am. While I wait, I might as well do some blogging.

Last night I was talking to an old random but he refused to share his name, the greeting was just familiar to me.

Then he offered his number to reconnect, suggesting we Whatsapp. 

I replied that I no longer have it, which I don't. He said but you did have it, just for me....

Now this is what is strange. I looked at his number and his is not the one I downloaded the messenger for..

How on earth did he know, that I once had a messenger? Did he rewrite history and pretend it was him?

Those two randoms sound completely different. Unless I'm am getting muddled with the digits but I don't think so.

Strange I didn't feel like reconnecting so I said people usually looking forwards not backwards and that he should take care.

He optimistically thought I was going to get in touch but I'm not.

Another random I talked to was all excited to see me and thought I would be the same.

I couldn't honestly remember anything except his nickname. He said that I was sweet and enjoyable company..

I thought that was strange and I said.....Moi?? Odd because I'm usually not. I'm more likely to be moody and icy.

Oh and I've been cheating on you, talking to a zillion guys. (I was just feeling quite irritable but it was supposed to be taken in jest).

He said now I see the mood swing, well I'll leave you to it. Ha. I didn't bother to inform him, I was messing around with him.

I like to see who can take a joke and who expects me to be falsely devoted to them.

I guess when I'm dealing with the usual stresses and strains I can mostly put it aside and have a giggle but when there is added pressure and I'm supposed to be casting that aside for them to feel special.....

I can't always do that and frankly I don't want to suppress this bitey bitey mood!!

Very few will understand and stick around for it. Even when the boiler is fixed.....

I have a feeling this mood I am in will linger for a while longer. It's hard to shake...

Cheer up

How I hated hearing that growing up. I'm not like you. I never plastered on a fake smile when I was feeling like hell or even if I wasn't. 

I'm not a smiley person, sure I can joke around but I don't walk around always grinning like an idiot and for that reason people always took it upon themselves to try and cheer me up.

Alright sometimes I was down but other times I just felt like a regular person but without the need to make you feel better because you were "happy." 

Consider for a moment that we are all not the same, we deal with things differently. How do you know I'm not dealing with something serious? You don't so knock it off.

Like I am really going to snap out of it because you said cheer up. Oh yea that did it, now I'm all tingly with joy. 

No it doesn't work like that. Just because you go around smiling and appearing as though you're in a good mood 24-7 that doesn't mean that I should.

I stopped concealing my feelings. I stopped feeling the need to please you and be like you. 

I would rather be real. To feel all this hurt and rage and despair and know that there is very little I can do about it. 

What is wrong in being in touch with your feelings?

It is perfectly acceptable when someone asks you if you are ok, to say...No I'm not but I'll get there. 

I think the reason people had such a high opinion of you and wanted to emulate you was because you exuded confidence and acted as though nothing fazed you. 

Hell even I thought that was true until the cracks started appearing.

You reeked of insecurity, just like I did but you hid it so well. You didn't like your face or your weight and assumed all compliments were insults in disguise. 

I started to really see you. The way you mocked me and pointed out my flaws was a deflection from your own crisis.

I know it's bad to admit it but I took pleasure in it. That you weren't perfect after all, that you were actually unsure of yourself. 

I just couldn't be the only one feeling self conscious. You never actually came out and admitted it but someone outed you, although I had already started to notice myself.

Maybe just maybe instead of making me feel worse that I wasn't a perfect doll, you should have confided in me that you were sensitive too.

Do family ever learn? 

Before you try to improve someones mood, ask yourself, who are you doing it for? Them or you? 

Let them feel it. Allow them to be moody. When I was left to get in touch with my emotions I felt so much better than being pressured to be happy.

I understand that you want to check up on a person but don't influence their mood. 

It's a process that I have to go through, sometimes I don't even know why I feel sad but as time goes on I can pinpoint it to hormones or something else but I need the time to work it out. 

Have a little patience and trust that I can figure it out. Don't enforce a time limit. It isn't helpful. I will get through it when I am supposed too! 

Floundering

I had an onslaught of panic attacks and this time no tools to help me combat it. I had barely slept the night before, severe cramps having kept me up and in the morning after missing the two alarms that I set. 

There was nonstop nausea. No time for makeup or even a breath. I looked down at my phone and unfortunately it was completely dead.

No secret tool to help me face the outside world. I was ok at first and then I had a multi trigger attack and I just froze. People kept asking me if I was alright and I mumbled yea. I feel like such a freak even after all this time.

It has really been such a rough couple of months. There are less comfortable positions to sleep in and walking is just shuffling forward grimacing at how tense and tender I feel. 

I was hoping to get a break and go away for a bit but it was cancelled. I spent the holidays alone fatigued by pmt, constantly running out of food and distancing myself from loved ones.

I broke off contact with my last penpal. Part of me thought that I would have more time to write and the other part knew I was just empty inside. 

My creativity has abandoned me. It's a new year and I still don't feel whole again. I had a dry December opting not to snack anymore and have stuck religiously to it even now but nothing else has snapped me out of the funk I am in.

I keep reminiscing about my younger days, walking, partying, shopping, just being spontaneous. Now I have to think about whether there is seating, transport close or how close it is to where I live incase I need to rest. 

I miss those days. I miss the girl I used to be. I loathe saying no to invitations because I know that it is an all-day event with no time for a proper break but this is just my life now and has been for over a decade.

Another of my highlights is gone as I've just been told my account is officially blocked/banned from the bingo promotions for life. 

The only thing I can think of is that I had not made a deposit in a while but kept withdrawing and I may have made a few complaints about cheaters. 

There are countless multiple account names listed winning the free bingo so I suggested they look into it but nothing came of it, yet moi, with my one measly honest account gets condemned, pretty laughable really. 

Good job I have another bingo site I use. I have made a delicious profit so I didn't make a fuss, just said fine. Down the road I will look for a suitable replacement.

I think the only bright spark for a while has been my unflailing confidence in myself, someone recently tried to make me feel inadequate and I didn't even feel a little hurt. 

I just calmly told him that he himself must have some deep insecurities to try and make someone else feel bad. 

I finally realised that if I ever did start dating again and fell into old patterns with a nice man on the outside and a vindictive man on the inside, that I could handle myself and not turn myself inside out trying to be a perfect ideal.

Worthiness

I had a lot of scathing surrounding me for a very long time and I started to believe I was imbecilic and pointless until I grew up and fought back..

Against all those people that tried to tear me down and make me feel insignificant just so that their lives wouldn't grate as much. 

Positive affirmations over and over to myself and dispelling any negative thoughts, started off my journey. 

It was tough and I felt silly at first but soon it became so natural that I wasn't faking being self assured, I really was. 

Then I cut out all the toxic people around me and felt immediately better that the backhanded compliments and secret jabs at me were no longer affecting me.

I took a good hard look at myself and started thinking about my good qualities instead of my failings. 

I was a great listener, everybody used to approach me for my good advice and care what I thought and said, so I must have something worthy to contribute. 

Beauty treatments are a wonderful way to spoil yourself and have that me time that is genuinely deserved. We all need it and should make the time. 

The weekend tends to be the time I do a face mask, my epilating, pedicures and if I feel like it, simple nail designs that might not seem like much but for me, they give me this jolt of happiness that I've done something different to the norm.

I loved studying English growing up and making up stories, it was the one bright spot at school as I never felt smart enough or capable enough. 

I would read a lot and change the story/characters in my mind. I had hoped one day to write something significant of my own.

I'm loyal to those I love and care about. I watch out for them and make sure they are happy and problem free. I go out of my way to be thoughtful and spoil them with little things to brighten up their days.

It could be a card, a hamper, a smile or just telling them how much I appreciate them and how them being in my life makes me grow as a person and feel rejuvenated when the times are tough and I shut the world out. 

Friendship is a two way thing, both people have to make the effort to keep in regular contact and just care what happens in each others life.

Confidence comes from within. You can't look to another person to make yourself feel good. 

Sure people can support and cheer you up, they can make you feel unburdened as they listen to your woes but you have to see yourself as important.

As someone that actually matters and realise that we all have flaws and insecurities because well-meaning friends will try and boost your ego and remind you about the abundance of qualities you possess but if you don't believe in yourself to begin with, then no matter how hard they try it will be pointless.

Our looks, our personalities, our abilities. Whatever it is, you can look around and see someone walking tall and seeming like they don't have a care in the world.

Even go so far as to envy them but I have been that person and looked at that person and seen first hand, they are just as insecure and self doubting as I am. They just hide it better, so now I make the most of myself.

For me it is makeup, and wearing clothes that suit my curvy figure. I experiment with my look and walk out that door with an upbeat playlist and I feel good.

There are times when I do feel utterly depressed and miserable and at those points I don't just sweep it under the carpet.

I'll maybe watch a sad movie or I used to write in my journal a lot. If I wasn't ready to face the problem I would say to myself I acknowledge your existence.

I am not ignoring you but I will deal with you at a later time and that way I wasn't letting everything engulf me. I allowed myself to be sad or in touch with emotions and a few days later I was back to normal.