#BlogLife883 - In the quest for healing..

Does it mean you forget everything that happened like it didn't exist?

Does it mean it's not as powerful? Does it mean everything returns to normal, as though you're suddenly sane again?

In my case, no. I'd like to stop being afraid. I would like to open up and I would like to be akin to others, without hangups and conditions and pauses.

It's stops me from writing, I know it does. I want too but I can't. It just feels like trashy fictiony lies, that's not how real life works.

He doesn't say sweet things, he doesn't care about your needs and he doesn't treat you, the way he should.

But in an ideal made up world, he actually does all of the above.

Ugh it's not been a good day. I've come to the realisation, I have to deplete my savings as fast as possible in order to survive.

UC is stressing me out, depressing me and I can barely function with this hanging over me.

I felt like I wanted to vomit, was struggling to breathe today. I couldn't even play the happy music, because I kept switching to anti nausea videos.

I kept having to stop getting ready and sit down and try to calm myself down.

I just had the UC appointment and I feel bullied and hopeless, he suggested I get into coding, wtf and I'm not in any way interested in that.

But he's sending me links to God knows what. Then he said he didn't receive my payment issue message so I have to start again with that.

But he seems adamant that UC isn't responsible for paying the bloody service charge, bins/cleaners/hallway lighting, etc..

So I literally blurted out trying to hold back the tears that I worry I'm going to be homeless if this continues.

He said I should seek out a Doctor for a sick note, Oh sod off. I've been trying to be diagnosed for what 20yrs???

And it amounts to sod all except making me relive it and letting the depression take over my senses and then being dismissed without support or referrals.

I will send him another message that I'll draft and copy and paste with every flipping monthly expense and then what they are paying me and they can draw their own bloody conclusions on where the money is to buy food and pay the bills, when there isn't sufficient funds.

I did intend to stop buying takeout, but the sooner the savings deplete, is when I feel like they will pay the correct amount.

It's a horror show. I'm scared for my well being, my sanity and not having a home to feel safe in anymore.

I can't shake the feeling I'm going to be living on the streets soon.

I don't know what's going to happen, I really don't. My health is worsening and things continue to stress me out.

How is this a normal life, when I'm forced to pretend I'm physically capable??

Something will push me over the edge, they send me on a course and my body will snap and never recover.....

I wish there was someone in my corner. I wish the only thing I had to worry about was what to write in BlogLife.

The good thing about it raining is that, if I find the energy, I can unpack and switch on blankie.

I did intend to visit Tescos the mini supermarket but I felt too sicky.

I have limited functionality so instead got to the bank and that's done.

I still need to do my eyebrow shape, the pedicure with Mama and her bestie isn't until next week, which is better because I still feel rough.

Half the time, I'm switching between the anti nausea and the cramps videos.

I got some half price pizza but not a huge appetite, I'm just munching to help settle my tum.

Plus I got some sprite, that also helped control the nausea. Then I saw an iced lemon cake and something that looks like knock off ferreros again.

I'm going to try to relax a bit now that I've unburdened myself. Life is just pretty horrid at the moment.

I don't even fancy dessert, that's how wound up I am. I would like to switch off and doze but I'm too wired and drowsiness won't come.

I need escapism, maybe I'll write some fiction but on the other hand, I've gone back to feeling sicky.....