#BlogLife943 - More Iceland

Wowser I'm trying the chicken and red thai curry. At first with the green beans I think it is, I wondered if it was the green thai.

It is really just gently seasoned but not salty, not spicy, just a great flavour.

Delicious, enough chicken, enough rice. Another winner. I also remember the green thai bag they did which had the same flavour but was double the price and they thought people would pay for it..

Nope! I'm sure I only bought it on offer, anyway I avoided this dish all my life because I assumed it would have that strong curry taste but it doesn't, maybe it's part of the 3x £10 meal deal.

There's just a touch of sweetness to the sauce but nothing to ruin it.

Coriander, lime leaves, pineapple and loads of other stuff, highly recommended.

The fajita bake, hmm, the pastry is good, the filling was just ok, too blended.

I would not get that again. The waffle fries cooked weirdly. A few were perfect, others were massively overdone so inedible.

I did less than a handful just as a snack to try them. I guess 20 minutes is too long, I'll try 15 next time.

It's so funny, I've gone from no appetite, to what can I have next?

As I bought chicken and beef to make burgers, I also got the yoghurt and mint sauce that I previously liked..

But I'm not enjoying it, my taste buds want something tomatoey or like a burger sauce.

I'm trying to be healthy!

I'm doing these reviews over a few days by the way. The beef and potato curry with sticky rice was also exceptional.

Lots of beef pieces, the sauce was the best part, mild flavourful.

Another good quality meal, I didn't try the potatoes, sometimes I'm not keen, prefer crunchy veggies, the rawer the better.

That is absolutely bizarre. It is Sunday right? I just got a loud buzz at the door..

I ignored it, it's always the disgusting neighbours and then I got a letter pushed through the letter box.

My heart sank, my first thought, was I'm in trouble, I'm getting evicted or going to jail, this is it.

So what was the letter with a sticky note containing the wrong postcode???

Was it serious? Was it scary? Was it imperative it was opened immediately?

Nopeeeeeeeeeeeee! It was a rent statement. What the hell. Post it through the bloody postbox outside.

And why didn't you buzz anyone else? Actually this is the first time you've buzzed for a statement.

Idiot landlord! I don't know why I panic so much but it's the fear of DWP and they love hounding me.

As predicted, it's September, nearly a year of being hassled and no closer to resolving it.

It's excessive cruelty that I have to worry about bills, jail, eviction, homelessness, debts, for 11 months and there is no sign of them stopping..

Eventually probably just before Christmas she will probably say give me more printouts or write more statements of the exact same thing, just for laughs.

They have no interest in wrapping it up. It's just having something over me and inflicting mental cruelty to someone that's already sick.

Because after a year of me providing proof and evidence. In her mind, she had expectations of me living the high life..

She thought I will break this woman down into fits of tears, make her depressed and highlight that she is irresponsible..

That she spends money on holidays, cars, spa days, jewels, designer gear, nightclubbing and anything preposterous that you can imagine..

Instead of the actual reality of it being, grocery shopping, bills, landlord arrears, rent and cleaners.

To her, it doesn't make sense, so even though I'm transparent, she continues making my life a living hell and will drag this out for probably years.

It's like she won't be happy until I self harm or commit myself to an asylum.

And yes all this stress, does worry me. I can't escape from it. It's the same thing of growing up and trying to survive my childhood that was a terrifying atmosphere.

The bullying is ongoing and the worst thing is, she's always turning it around on me, saying I am not co-operating, when I've done everything asked, multiple times, but yet she infers I'm holding things up.

What's the term for it? Gaslighting!!

Anyway on to yesterday and today, I am so stuffed, decided to try the Chinese chicken wings and they have that ginger spice added, glorious.

Even though I just finished the monthly, I feel like my body is preparing for another period.

I feel bloated, nauseated and crampy. I'm still tired from yesterday's walking.

I'm glad today is free and then tomorrow, one morning follow up appointment and that's it.

I'm waiting to see if they will knock and request the windows to be opened for the painting that seems like it's all done but still wet.

With a yucky strong smell attached. I have some chicken fried rice as leftovers I'll munch later, even though it's lunchtime now.

And P has man flu so he has worse insomnia than me. I'm trying to offer some advice but not sure he is taking it.

I offered to call this afternoony, as my voice always makes him sleepy, we'll see if he takes me up.

I specifically didn't say nighttime, as I don't want any flirtiness and sick or not, men always provide that element.

The volunteering is increasingly weirder. Just because it's anonymous people share anything and I don't know if it's trolling or the weird truth but good grief.

I want a normal chat please. I'm sick of the oddballs. It's too much to cringe, ugh, yuck!!!

#BlogLife908 - Fear of men

There's a few things swirling around in my head, some new, some old.

Whether she does this on purpose or not I have no idea but Mama loves to bring up the other two siblings, and I've repeatedly told her not to do this..

But as usual she dismisses my needs in favour of her own or theirs, above mine and that's always been the case.

She continues praising them, Oh he's so helpful, he's assisting me with this and paying for it.

She conveniently forgets they've forgotten her birthdays, Mama's Day etc.

I don't know if she's changing the history, as in what a good parent I am, raised them right, did a good job.

Because all I remember is thinking I don't want to be here. I'm sick of being harassed, I don't want to exist.

Having no expression as a child or a teenage, only now as a fully grown adult.

It constantly feels like she's saying in-between the lines, let go of your cruelty towards them, they've forgiven/accepted you for your coldness, you should do the same..

It angers and attacks my self esteem actually. It makes me feel I deserve to be ill treated and I deserve my past, which I don't.

Nobody deserves to grow up afraid to talk, afraid to stand up for oneself and fearing for their general well-being.

My childhood manifested itself into dating. The verbal abuse, then physical abuse.

The reinforced belief I had nothing to offer. Dating was no longer exciting, it became fearful, a wary reluctant experience.

I think I hid behind the weight gain and was mostly ignored and that suited me.

I didn't have to put myself out there and be raw and exposed. I could just cover up and be left free and safe.

Now things are different but still the same. I'm steadily losing weight, being healthier.

I feel like my thighs are slimmer. I have no interest in showing them off but I'm still proud of my accomplishments.

I continue to ask myself what do I want? What would make me happy?

KIds? No. Marriage? No. Friendship? *Shrugs* A boyfriend? I have no idea.

I'll always have that apprehension, waiting to be judged, waiting to see if he'll pounce.... 

Waiting for the disrespect or for the violence. I don't see a way to be comfortable around a man, not in public or in private.

So I'll continue shrinking, reach my goals and then what? What I do know is that this healthier journey is for me and no-one else.

I want to feel good about myself. I want to look after my body and try and lessen the pains and exhaustion.

But if there is any sign, I'm not being treated right, I will probably cut my losses and exit.

I'm not sure how I feel about second chances being as sensitive and fragile as I feel at present.

I've spoken to Mama and I'm a bit annoyed that she's given me no notice, just expects me to drop everything and visit her, when it was supposed to be at the end or the beginning of next month.

Good job I charged my electric toothbrush, that takes about a day.

It won't take long to pack, I'm just drying the washing now. There are a few things I need so I'm glad I didn't buy them and then leave them to possibly sit outside my door, where the neighbours would probably steal them.

My stomach feels delicate but I think it's stress, worrying about not being able to get a cab, sometimes they are just overbooked.

And I never want to call up beforehand because I don't want to rush and if I'm feeling sicky or dizzy like I am today, I want to take my time, wait for it to pass and then get ready.

It's risky but I prefer it. I don't know if this will be my last post for a while, it's nice to switch off, rest my brain and body.

I just realised that because it's summer, I can't used the heated blankie remedy on my bones so after travelling the pain is going to be really bad.

Sitting is just not my friend. I wish I had another pain remedy, I guess I can binaural beats videos, sometimes that helps to relax me.

I'm not in the mood to walk with my portable shiatsu massager, it's too heavy.

#BlogLife883 - In the quest for healing..

Does it mean you forget everything that happened like it didn't exist?

Does it mean it's not as powerful? Does it mean everything returns to normal, as though you're suddenly sane again?

In my case, no. I'd like to stop being afraid. I would like to open up and I would like to be akin to others, without hangups and conditions and pauses.

It's stops me from writing, I know it does. I want too but I can't. It just feels like trashy fictiony lies, that's not how real life works.

He doesn't say sweet things, he doesn't care about your needs and he doesn't treat you, the way he should.

But in an ideal made up world, he actually does all of the above.

Ugh it's not been a good day. I've come to the realisation, I have to deplete my savings as fast as possible in order to survive.

UC is stressing me out, depressing me and I can barely function with this hanging over me.

I felt like I wanted to vomit, was struggling to breathe today. I couldn't even play the happy music, because I kept switching to anti nausea videos.

I kept having to stop getting ready and sit down and try to calm myself down.

I just had the UC appointment and I feel bullied and hopeless, he suggested I get into coding, wtf and I'm not in any way interested in that.

But he's sending me links to God knows what. Then he said he didn't receive my payment issue message so I have to start again with that.

But he seems adamant that UC isn't responsible for paying the bloody service charge, bins/cleaners/hallway lighting, etc..

So I literally blurted out trying to hold back the tears that I worry I'm going to be homeless if this continues.

He said I should seek out a Doctor for a sick note, Oh sod off. I've been trying to be diagnosed for what 20yrs???

And it amounts to sod all except making me relive it and letting the depression take over my senses and then being dismissed without support or referrals.

I will send him another message that I'll draft and copy and paste with every flipping monthly expense and then what they are paying me and they can draw their own bloody conclusions on where the money is to buy food and pay the bills, when there isn't sufficient funds.

I did intend to stop buying takeout, but the sooner the savings deplete, is when I feel like they will pay the correct amount.

It's a horror show. I'm scared for my well being, my sanity and not having a home to feel safe in anymore.

I can't shake the feeling I'm going to be living on the streets soon.

I don't know what's going to happen, I really don't. My health is worsening and things continue to stress me out.

How is this a normal life, when I'm forced to pretend I'm physically capable??

Something will push me over the edge, they send me on a course and my body will snap and never recover.....

I wish there was someone in my corner. I wish the only thing I had to worry about was what to write in BlogLife.

The good thing about it raining is that, if I find the energy, I can unpack and switch on blankie.

I did intend to visit Tescos the mini supermarket but I felt too sicky.

I have limited functionality so instead got to the bank and that's done.

I still need to do my eyebrow shape, the pedicure with Mama and her bestie isn't until next week, which is better because I still feel rough.

Half the time, I'm switching between the anti nausea and the cramps videos.

I got some half price pizza but not a huge appetite, I'm just munching to help settle my tum.

Plus I got some sprite, that also helped control the nausea. Then I saw an iced lemon cake and something that looks like knock off ferreros again.

I'm going to try to relax a bit now that I've unburdened myself. Life is just pretty horrid at the moment.

I don't even fancy dessert, that's how wound up I am. I would like to switch off and doze but I'm too wired and drowsiness won't come.

I need escapism, maybe I'll write some fiction but on the other hand, I've gone back to feeling sicky.....

#LetterLife3 - Dear SS

Dear SS,

Just checking in as you seem quiet. I'm disappointed there wasn't a post on Thursday or Friday..

Dear Nosey,

I did intend to post but when it came to it, words failed me. I just couldn't muster anything so it remained half empty.

To be honest I don't appreciate the nagging guilt trip. I feel bad enough for being flaky and inconsistent. 

Dear SS,

Sorry that wasn't my intention, I was just curious is all.

Dear Nosey,

Sorry too. I didn't mean to be snappy. I just have stuff in the back of my mind that refuses to speak up.

Until now. I got stood up tonight for a chat date but that's not my concern.

Usually he'll mention something came up but tonight nothing..

I don't have proof but I suspect he's fabricating his single status and that's why he disappears a lot.

Although he does let me know first, he did offer me his number, that I called on witheld, ha I'm so sneaky.

Anyway that's a low priority. Tonight (Saturday), I saw that I had a missed call from Mama.

I don't even know if she's back. Ugh I'm kinda annoyed at that.

I can't call or text, that's gonna spike up her bill again.

She could have texted or emailed. She didn't reply to mine.

Emails are free, to say Oh I'm back or due to return blah blah..

I could have sworn she said she's returning in April and that she's missing Mama's Day, which is tomorrow. 

If I knew her status I could have sent a gift or food or something but I'm left to guess.

The lowest priority possible because I'm sure she's letting everyone else know her whereabouts.

Alright that felt good to let that out and stop repressing it.

I felt guilty for being mad at her, as though I don't have the right to feel the way I do but our dynamic remains difficult and askew.

Next I just feel like one of these days I'm going to be homeless.

I'll do or say the wrong thing and the landlord representative will boot me for being problematic.

What's next? One of these days, what if I am injured beyond repair?

What if the next time I fall.. I can't brace myself and get up again?

Or I sprain something and it doesn't heal and I lose the ability to take care of myself and function?

What do I do? I can't exactly talk my way into making it better.

Next up.. Because even though I can't hear these thoughts, when I write like this, the padlock springs open and the thoughts are clear as day!

Why do I make such a fuss over finishing the stories?

I guess I've never really felt heard and understood and storytelling needs that captivated audience.

I don't feel I have that, but in order to get that I need to complete more and more.

It's a catch 22 situation. Also what the hell do I know?

I've no knowledge of love and stability and healthy relationships or friendships.

I don't know if my fiction is realistic enough to pass as entertainment. 

I'm constantly pretending I know what I'm doing. I don't have a clue.

Why do people read my blog or stories? I have no earthly idea.

I keep waiting to improve my words. To be better at explaining things or to  compose something flawlessly.

I know it doesn't work like that. I can't just blink and be amazing, I have to keep trying.

I guess tonight I thought.. What's the point in it? If I just have this feeling, I'm not genuine.

I'll never be great at anything. I'm just lacking those skills.

It's 2.38am. I wanted to feel sleepy by now but my brain said..

Hey You, I'm finally ready to talk.. So I loaded up blogger and thought, what should this be?

Crazy Self Therapy? A regular post? Fiction? But then I realised, letters draw out the vulnerability the most.

And as nothing was clear, as soon as I decided, it poured out. All of it.

I can finally sleep. I hope..