#BlogLife1162 - Yes you were right I'm dumb..

I want to do an experiment and air out all the negative thoughts I've heard said to me and what I think about myself..

To see if that will make writing stories easier...

1. I'm just dumb, I can't comprehend anything.

2. I don't add anything interesting to conversations, I should keep quiet.

3. I'm overweight and unattractive, no-one will/has found me desirable.

4. I don't make sense and I'm boring, so no-one can follow my writing or even feels inclined too seek it out.

5. I'm lazy, I don't do enough active activities.

6. I'm selfish, I only care about myself and my own needs.

7. I'm unlikeable because I don't trust anyone, I don't give any part of myself away and I don't make the time to understand anyone.

8. I hold onto grudges which makes me unapproachable to anyone struggling with their own deficiencies.

9. I'm too wishy washy, I never finish what I start.

10. There's something wrong with me from the inside that I can't reach..

Anger, bitterness, hurt, something that others can see, but I can't and they know I'm not worthy of anything or anyone.

Hmm I've had this draft for ages and I just didn't want to touch it really.

But suddenly I completed the list? Do I feel better or inspired?

Not really, but nor do I feel down on myself. I'm just stressed about money, the same as usual.

The uc appointment is tomorrow. I feel a bit empty about things.

Resigned to it. Whether or not 2026 will have a freshly released Christmas story...

Is anyone's guess. The weather is strange, one minute mild and almost warm and the next freezing.

The cramps are doing a number on my stomach. My body feels hungry but I don't.

A few nights ago it wouldn't stop grumbling for food but I am munching enough.

The last-ish lot I can have today and then I need to get food and a few saline solutions tomorrow.

Plus snacks, slippers maybe. I feel like there is more but I can't think.

Oh I did find an eye drop vial, that was refreshing for my eyes. At least that was an unexpected bonus.

Oh yea and I have to see if the rent letter arrived..

I've got to be smart and stop people taking advantage of me.

As I'm not going away this year, I wonder if I'll take a blogging break.

I've got to focus on the good and not the bad.

Sometimes I feel this need to show others that I'm a decent individual. That I have to act good and then people will see, I'm not horrible.

The problem is when I'm stressed I hate the world and want to lash out and not be nice or helpful.

I should give myself permission to go with how I'm feeling and not feel I have to prove myself just to get basic respect.

Wth the ways others treated me, friends, family, dates, acquaintances...

I constantly have say to myself, all their criticisms aren't true.

It can be more difficult than it seems because it has been year in and year out.....

Being treated like I am always in the wrong for standing up for myself and having my own opinions.

I'm quite tired of being maligned and searching for the strength to prop myself back up.

I think that's why I wrote this. To tell the world. I'm not perfect and that's just fine and dandy..

I wasn't trying to be... I'm just attempting to mix the good with the bad and embrace all parts of me..

Even the bits where I was made to feel ashamed for having feelings or objecting to being hurt.

My voice is still growing. I'm not done yet.