I woke just before 8am and thought too early but I managed to get some more sleep actually which was nice.
I'm feeling sore here and there so I feel like I need extra rest. I had this feeling I'm dehydrated but at the same time, I do feel I'm drinking enough..
Just seems like I'm on the verge of leg or foot cramps and that's normally a sign to drink more.
I should go to the kitchen actually and get some water. It's just gone 1pmish and I should eat too but not yet.
I'm trying to get my thoughts to make sense. It's been 3 weeks now, since I halted communications with Mama..
And what became clear is that I actually feel rejected by her refusal to listen and acknowledge what I've shared.
I've spent my entire life being unheard, talked over, ignored, ridiculed and I thought finally sharing my deepest confessions would change our dynamic.
But everything has remained the same and she's always been unapproachable, my needs didn't matter and they still don't.
Anyway, that had been on my mind. I was trying to figure out what my issues are and Why I always feel like a burden to others, just for being myself..
Talking, sharing, opening up..... Just seems like nobody in real life wants me too..
Family rejected me for not being confident, slim and intelligent.
Males rejected for not being skinny, pretty or easy.
Friends rejected me for not putting up with being ignored and taken for granted.
Why does talking/writing/sharing always make me feel peckish ha..
I guess I'm the one doing the rejecting now because I just don't really care.
I'm tired of hoping for someone genuine to come along, to embrace all parts of me and see my potential.
I have to keep overcompensating and boosting my ego again and again.
I'd rather not have you in my life, so that I can naturally feel good.
Instead of disappointing you and hearing about, how I don't measure up and all my deficiencies listed..
The pain is bad and I don't even know why. It's just automatic. I thought the blankie would help but for some reason, it's staying on low, when I need it on medium.
Before I die, I'd really like to matter to someone. Just one normal healthy unscary relationship.
But that's too much to ask for and I just don't know how I'd feel safe exploring that possibility...
