#BlogLife1155 - Off/on... This site or that?

A lil tip if you buy as many earbuds with cases as I do and after a while it randomly stop/starts charging or only does side..

Keep the case open and that way, you can see the red charging light come on and then see it switch to blue when it's full.

That makes such a difference. I hate connecting it and assuming, yea it's fine, connecting it and the battery low voice pipes up..

Grrr you were in the case for ages. I also try to keep the case fully powered too, that helps mostly.

Ugh the neighbours were so noisy and then someone was knocking loudly.

I don't know if it was for me or the neighbours but I didn't have my lenses on so I ignored it..

I was hoping it was a parcel but there was no note or box left.

Ugh BT wrote and said my service is going to be cut off soon so I quickly rang them and she said don't worry, it's because you haven't officially switched over yet but everything is in order for the 28th.

That's a relief. I thought something went wrong for a minute.

Somebody on Reddit set up a new blog site so I was giving feedback on it.

I don't know whether or not I want to commit to it. It's called Melody and I like that you can incorporate a song into it..

I'm not sure how good or bad that would be.. For readers, apparently only when you press play though..

Not automatic as I thought. I'm not sure how many users there are yet.

The developer is very open and responsive so I joked about a dedication page and their first million ha.

The set up was easy but I looked at the post page and went blank so I left it..

Blogger is so easy to use. I could have a secondary one for maybe notes..

I don't know. I'll see later on, how I feel about it..

It's so annoying to satisfyingly have cleaned up and then notice it's messy again..

It's probably a minimal tidy and I'm just making it a big deal..

I'm going off 7 Cups more and more. The members are fine, the admin staff are horrible.

I can't respect a site where you can't post and be heard as a woman.

I'd like to be able to express myself but I can't unlike Reddit, who let you post anything once you have Karma behind you..

I think I'm mainly using it as I told uc I volunteer there, which I do but it's not as satisfying as before..

I'm helping the same sort of unhappy people on Reddit and being able to post my own stuff easily without them being removed.

#BlogLife1154 - Does stress overrule you and stop you moving forwards?

I wish it was a better night's sleep but some rest is better than none at all.

I didn't hear back from the penpaller so that's that. A pity but maybe I'm not in the right headspace anyway..

I keep forgetting about the chronic pain binaurals. I was so focused on the anti nausea, the hand pain was creeping up and now typing is pretty sore..

EDF (gas/electricity), wrote and said they are upping my bill by £20 so that £10 saving from EE (broadband), seems void now.

I'm tired of stressing about money. I'm as careful as I can be and whatever will happen, I'll deal with it.

I was freezing last night and took the blankie off prematurely. I still only put the boiler on every other day..

I don't want to make myself ill though.

I'm still enjoying Reddit, despite the immature downvotes. People thinking only their opinion matters and leaving gross comments on my posts.

Despite saying Keep it clean and respectful but some posts have taken off and the nice users far outweigh the negative ones.

I should have joined years ago :)

Something that was bothering me I recently addressed. I wrote about it on here first but probably ran out of steam..

The post titled Talk with words, not pictures..

Anyway someone asked for feedback and I thought because they brought it up..

I can safely admit, something your doing which I'm not a fan off is...

You use a lot of gifs instead of talking to me and that doesn't work.

I'm burnt out on gifs because I'm a word person and it's a bit meaningless to me.

I don't feel you've read what I've written or bothered to answer my question so that disturbs me.

And they took it onboard and said they won't do it anymore. Which I'm pleased about.

I was in the minority which surprised me, other people don't mind them but for me, it was affecting me a lot.

But I didn't know how to address it.

At home or around family, I could never speak my mind. That menacing look or tone, scared the hell out of me.

I got used to not talking at all, I'm presently still trying to unlearn that and speak up..

Well I wasn't expecting that. I completely forgot about the government heating allowance.

EDF wrote and said I quality for a £150 rebate so 3x months ish really or probably closer to two months paid..

The Warm Home discount scheme for the electricity only, not the gas...

But I have a gas combi boiler... I'm never sure how that works exactly but it's automatically applied so I can start using the boiler normally again.

Thank goodness. One less thing to stress about :)

#BlogLife1153 - Safety net gone..

Well the bank is withdrawing the overdraft that I had. It started with £1k and reduced to £250.

I just liked knowing it was there for me. I mean hopefully things will turn around soon with next week's deposit.

The reduction in broadband costs and the possible extra £30ish from saying my savings are gone, can't hurt..

My Chromebook is 6 years old now, how long will that last? The microwave and panini press are showing a lot of signs of wear and tear too.

Would be nice to get lucky and win replacements for these pricey items.

I don't know what to do with my hair. I have a sudden need to grow it a lil bit.

But the back is so scruffy, maybe I'll keep the front and sides long and trim the back?

Well I'm glad I trimmed the back and kept the front and sides long.

I think every so often I want a change. Why is it whenever I load blogger I forget immediately what I was going to say?

I reset the banking app which wasn't as bad as I thought and put the password somewhere else..

Because I am forgetting alsorts now. It was confirming a text code..

Putting in your customer number, pin code, pass code and then creating a new pin..

I've got £60 and 2x grocery shops at £40 each. I can only do one on Monday.

This weekend sushi... And then with my appointment pushed to Friday..

I don't know how to have the energy to shop but I need too. Goodness how do I do it with the pain and sleepiness plaguing me?

I looked at the Sam Pound shop online, apparently they have small face washes and no face masks other than peel off, no thanks.

But I think they have biscuits and noodles and sweets so ideally I can pick up things...

But I don't know how to plead with my body to do that.. Hang in there, rest won't be for a while.

Plus the schmucky bus driver isn't stopping outside my street so it's so much walking to do.

Then the fear of straining my hands carrying the bag... I really don't want to spend money...

But life goes on and I need stuff. I'll just try to rest a lot. Hit the bank, sit down, then make a deposit..

Then maybe get pakoras or browse the pound shop and then go for my uc appointment, where I'll be sitting and waiting around anyway.

I always have an idealised plan and then my body is like nope, knackered, nice try though...

The pain and tiredness doesn't end when I sit down. I'm just no longer out of breath.

Knowing me I probably miscalculated and I'll be overdrawn soon again...

I ended up not getting the sushi and doing a grocery shop instead.

I wanted that more. I couldn't get any dessert but everything was mainly in stock..

Just the smaller loaves of bread. I think I'll do the crackers with cheese this time and the mackerel/sardines in a toastie.

Hmm changed my mind ha. The fish works better with a crunch. I knew it.

I like my cheese toasties anyway.

My pmtish nausea is so weird. At times, I forget to put on the anti nausea video and I'm perfectly fine..

Other instances I have to race to play it and think, stop everything, pause the munching, listen and stay calm, don't vomit, please don't be sick.

Usually it works, other times it doesn't but it's better than anything else I've found.

#BlogLife1152 - Merge games

I don't know what it is about Merge games, putting objects together to create something else but it's relaxing to me.

I've actually found one that isn't false advertising for the first time ever.

The advert where you fix things with the ingame coins but the reality is just the merge part...

There is actually a storyline and you do get to do a home makeover via repairs.

The other thing is the energy usually runs out super fast with these types but they keep putting events up so you can play for a while and not run out too much.

Sometimes I have to stop and focus on other things as the time has gone by ha.

Oh and this one you don't have to guess how you make a specific thing.

Crikey, the first ever one I played, no instructions at all and it was flipping rare to get what you needed.

This one can take a minute or so but you do complete goals/orders and progress fairly quickly.

I don't have to googly information which is so much easier. I've got 2x installed.

Frost Valley, my preferred one with the storyline sometimes and then Whisper Castle which is good too.

Hmm Yahoo deleted half my draft emails. There was way more in there.

Luckily the stories and drafts are there but a chunk of other stuff is gone.

I've not exceeded the storage limit. Wowser. I don't even remember what was in there, except....

Damnit the bank password. I'll have to reset it. I have a strong feeling, there were more passwords in it.

Cripes!

Anyway I finally called up BT, they are phasing out the copper wire broadband or landlines or something..

I couldn't stay with BT sadly. I like them for their customer service, helpful for queries and upgrades. 

They care, whereas EE seems to focus on profit, not people. Upgrading is way more expensive.

I spoke to a nice chap who said, if I didn't need the landline anymore I didn't have to pay for it.

He said I currently pay £41 not sure if that's with the mobile contract but the new cost of switching is..

£27 I think and it goes up by £4 yearly. Plus I could keep my router. Phew no faffing about with new equipment.

The official changeover is on the 28th October and my service shouldn't be disrupted.

The speed should be the same as with BT and I think that was it..

Saving money is good. I like EE for the service, much better than others but sometimes calls drop.

The phone disconnected about 2 or 3 times. I'm thankful that he called back.

I dislike EE for always pushing expensive mobile contracts. Why would I pay 3/4x times the amount I am paying now??

Why don't you care about your loyal older customers instead of just the new ones??

I had this dream last night. I was shopping and this millionaire elderly woman needed help, so I did what I could..

And afterwards she gave me some cash and wouldn't take no for an answer..

So I thanked her and exited and she followed me and said.. Don't take offence but you're facing hardship right?

I was cagey. Umm I don't talk about money but life is tough at present.

She said I need some companionship, advice and support and I'll pay you in vouchers if you like?

So I thought this is weird but it's also where I'm skilled and grocery money would help.

So she kept giving me bonuses and I said No, let me earn it by being useful.

I don't want to be a user and she kept saying... Look I can see you need stuff and I can afford it.

You need groceries and new clothes and other things. You're providing a service, why not let me take care of you?

It was soooo against my nature to accept but deep down I thought...

Isn't it nice someone is looking out for me?? I asked her about her friends and family but she didn't have anyone.

She didn't seem lonely or unfulfilled but happy and content. I admired her.

Then I woke up wistful because I'll never have that. I always have to look out for myself.

There is noone that sees my struggles.

#BlgLife1151 - Waiting on Iceland..

I did rest a bit but it felt like I was just getting into a deeper sleep when it was time to get up for Iceland..

Abrupt awakening so I remembered the dream partially.. Something about getting lost, trying to buy food and the salesperson was crumbling it in front of me..

Trying to get me to go to some political event. Very strange.. Iceland's running late.

I probably could have slept in, operational issues and no G delivering it, aww, which means no bags and bending and unhelpful drivers..

Oh yea and the cramps were keeping me up too. Brutal first thing but now I'm listening to binaurals and I think they've disappeared, although some lingering discomfort remains..

I'm not bothering to look at new stock. I just need the basics. Ha, the Hills biscuits which would have been dessert are out of stock..

Selfish Iceland could have delivered an alternative, loads there but nope. 

It's going to be a long week. Oh wait, I think there's maybe 2 chocolate cereal bars left, that's something..

And there is the biscuit spread but for some reason, it has zero appeal to me.

Sometimes I swear I've gone nuts or Iceland has randomly removed items.

I'm sure I put sardines and mackerel in the basket, but no sardines, I wasn't charged for them though.

Plus I thought I added black bags. I'm low on that too, but nope, not delivered, not charged.

It could have been worse, no bread but cheese, or cheese but no bread ha.

That's happened before.. Maybe I did remove them for budgeting sake..

My stomach's rumbling for food but not appealing yet. I got partial help from the driver..

Always a relief when the uc appointment is concluded. For once they were on time and it was quick.

I don't know whether to have croissant hotdogs, aka hottisants..

Chicken frankfurters, chilli jam, maybe some cheese. Oh I wish I could afford olives and stuffed peppers yummm..

Or the mackerel with crackers and butter or maybe one of each...?

Hmm tasty decisions...

This is something I wrote a while back. Anyway I have to let you know when I loaded up Blogger today..

There was a notice about changes to the content and that a new setting is there to warn people ahead of time.

My blog isn't explicit, however there are some things that are for adults only.

Now when you click on my blog, you'll have to confirm you're ok with sensitive issues.

Hopefully it's just one time and you get to decide if you want to proceed or not.

If I didn't switch it to adult, my blog could be flagged and probably terminated I'm guessing.

#BlogLife1150 - Boiler indecisive moods - Engineer gobbledygook!

Song of the day - Deni Hines - It's Alright

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_FectCw-jg&list=WL&index=96

Oh I used to love this forgotten song...

I started the day off with music. I feel okay actually even after yesterday's cleaning, it didn't take long and wasn't gruelling.

I really love that simple mix, hot water, bleach and washing up liquid. It serves me well.

I did two methods as I don't have a bucket, filled the sink with the soapy concoction and the other one was just spilling it directly onto the mop itself which is my preferred method now.

Something weird is that, half the tall mop handle is gone. I don't know how that happened.

Either it fell out or was thrown away mysteriously by someone else...

Ok the engineer just left. He came in the last 15 minutes of the appointment and I couldn't understand a word he said.

No apology utter confusion. Do they take classes on how to bewilder customers?

I don't know why they act like it's always a catastrophe site. He seemed to indicate there was an issue with the thermostat..

Then it was... I need to run tests. I didn't know if he was coming back or not, they normally do that, flit from indoors to outdoors to back inside..

So I stood by the door like a fool waiting, while my hand just got painful.

And then he joked I'm not here all day. I told you I was done and that was it...

Oh I swear he clipped on or installed another boiler on/off switch....

Why? The other one works well. I didn't understand the logic and then he says, I need to switch it off to run diagnostics..

I thought Ok... I hope it's easy to turn it back on again.. As I thought he meant he was turning off the whole system and I'd have to figure out what to press on the boiler.

At this point I don't even know if it's on or off. It's now boiling though..

Oh I haven't eaten so time to make toasties..

Ok a few things I realised, a lil too late. He was not clear so today because the boiler is fine.

The blue numbers are still there, no error message. It turned on easily today..

I'm wondering if he meant..... You turn off the boiler for me, I'll do what I need too outside with the meters and then when I leave, you turn it back on....

That was not clearly conveyed and he did not say.. I asked you to turn it off..

I assumed he did it... Oh such a headache when they are not talking properly.

The other thing was I forgot to ask him to loosen the tap. Plus for some reason in the bathroom...

I thought the hot tap, was the cold tap...... So that's why running the cold tap didn't produce hot water....

In my defence ha..... I usually run the tap and by the time I'm done, there's no hot water anyway.

It is very slow to produce warm/hot water... So it is working. I know the radiators seem only lukewarm..

I don't feel cold... Maybe I freaked out for nothing and it's all ok?

I'm glad it's done for another half a year or so... I need to make breakfast..

It's nearly 2pm lol

#BlogLife1149 - Chatty Chicks Watching Flicks 30 - The Darling Buds Of May

I watched the whole series. Gosh so short only 3 seasons. I guess Catherine and David had other projects to do.

It's a shame it wasn't longer. I never understood Pop flirting and kissing other women.

I know for some he boosted their ego and Ma didn't mind much but it felt disloyal.

Mariette and Primrose sure inherited that trait in a bad way. Primrose had the worse taste in guys.

A voyeur, vicar, a thief and a poet who all were unsuitable. I didn't realise the 10 year age gap between the vicar ick.

In the end Mariette was two faced. She flirted with every guy that gave her attention and then kissed her acquaintance Tom.

But threw a giant hypocritical hissy fit when Charlie was kissed, plus didn't confess her crime, show remorse and then went running off to see him.

I mean damn, it was Tom that acted like a gent and told her to go back repeatedly. She wanted to stay pfft.

Even deceived her Mama when she enquired about Tom.. Friends pfft. You don't kiss friends especially when you know they have expressed interest.

I mean bloody hell before that she went gaga over Peter the German guy.

She knew Charlie was jealous and feeling insecure, she just didn't care.

I liked the parents helping others in need. That was sweet. It was gentle with comedy and conflicts thrown in.

Although I loved all the characters I wish they gave Monty more of a storyline. 

Maybe the kids were seen less and less because of child actor labour laws?

Apparently there's a spin off but I doubt any of the original cast is in it..

I highly recommend it, a fun watch.

Oh goodness. I ran the hot tap to mop the floors and there was no hot water.

Soo strange because yesterday or the other day accidentally left it on all day.

I put it back on and the kitchen tap is really stiff. Cripes that hurt like hell trying to turn it and then have the strength to switch it off without getting scalded.

I am beat. I intended to do the bathroom too but gosh I'm knackered.

Good job the boiler guy is coming tomorrow. The heating is fine, although low but running the water taps seem off.

Maybe he will say it's low pressure again?

I'm gonna wake up early tomorrow and do the rest. I'll leave the boiler on for another 30 minutes and then take it off.

Ok the cleaning is done. My hands and body are stiff and tired and it's 10amish now.

Supposedly they get here before 1pm and I'm supposed to get a text but I might not.

#BlogLife1148 - Anyone else sick of second guessing themselves..?

Today is freezing. I thought the heating was on but no, I didn't set it high enough to turn on.

Usually I get up without the contact lens and just guess. I mean it's pressed up a zillion times, surely that's enough..

The blankie is taking it's sweet time to warm up too. Sipping hot soup would be nice now, although, not really hungry or thirsty.

Oh crap got to do the Iceland order. Although Sainsbury's emailed and said they are doing 50p slots..

Nope didn't see any. Strange Iceland has finally gotten onboard with telling you an item is out of stock...

Unfortunately they don't tell you which item, which is useless to me.

Maybe when I checkout. Ugh I think it's the face wash, which I really need.

Ugh no they don't tell me. I am totally confused. The message disappeared.

Does this mean they've restocked? I don't even know which spare item to get??!!

Anyway back to the title...

I keep making decisions and backtracking wondering if this is the best thing for me to do or say?

I hate it because I'm usually not impulsive. I would have thought about it and weighed the options prior to acting on it..

So why does it still concern me whether it's right or not?

I'm not perfect or an expert on life. I'm always just struggling through it and trying to make the best of a bad situation.

I think about the short term and long term repercussions of it.

And still when it's done, I'll fret and think.. Hmm but was there a different way to do it?

A better way? Should I have spent more time evaluating all my options more carefully?

Was I too rash? Am I being foolish or irresponsible?

I wish I could just think... You know what? That was a good outcome. I'm glad I did it that way.

It worked out well and I'm pleased. If I had make that other move, it may not have turned out this great.

But I don't. I keep over analysing it.. Until it just comes to a head and then I resign myself to the ending.

Well I have progressed now and I was unsure but I did it anyway..

Who knows if that was the proper result? Would I do it differently next time?

I've no idea! I can just change my opinion in the moment. It might depend on external factors or how frazzled I am.

Sometimes I want it over and done with. I don't want to obsess about it any longer.

#BlogLife1147 - Things Randoms say to me....

1. I lied about my age because I knew you wouldn't talk to me otherwise...

Congrats you found a way to justify fabrications! (I've had this lie more than once)

2. If you go out and dress as though you're on your way to meet me... You'll feel better..

Yea as if that's magically going to solve chronic pain, PTSD and confidence issues...

3. If you socialise more, you won't be so weird..

Who has the money and inclination? Not me that's for sure.

4. You should be more trusting..

This is our first chat. I don't know you from Adam..... And yet you want me to trust you? Ha, you're funny I'll give you that!

5. I don't understand you..

Sometimes I use quirky words instead of the normal types. I literally just said to one..

Have you munched yet? His reply was... I don't get it..

Honestly, take a moment to think about it. Use your brain to comprehend what it might mean..

I literally responded with.. I thought that was English, it means have you eaten?

I have no compulsion about shaming now. I'm not speaking Martian!!

(Oh yea, he didn't reply, which made me laugh).

6. You should seek therapy or do what I tell you, You need too.

Unlike you, making a snap judgement based on the lil I've divulged.

I don't tell people what to do, I might advise or give a bunch of suggestions, but ultimately it's their life and choice about what benefits them.

I am my own person and will decide what is in my own interests and therapy is not it!

7. Tell me about your character?

Why?! You only get to know someone through time. I can say anything, is it true or is it false? How would you tell?

Then he said.... Let me put it another way... What would your friends say about you?

I'm not an idiot. I understood the question!! I just think it's a pointless one to answer and I don't feel like selling myself.

Get to know me slowly and take me as I am. I don't feel the need to impress you!!

8. What should I do?

I've repeatedly given you advice, suggested things and yet you keep ignoring it and treating me like I have all the answers in the world.

Why don't you try and help yourself, Googly it or ask someone else, as my patience has run out.

I have no issue, assisting, if someone listens, but the minute you don't....

Forget it. It's different If the information I share isn't helpful that's separate.

Fair enough but if you're not going through steps to fix it yourself....

Why should I bother? I can't wave a magic wand and say Ta-da... You don't have to lift a finger...

SS to the rescue, poor baby!

#BlogLife1146 - I'm still trying..

Once again. I looked at the time, listened to my tummy grumbling for food and decided to start another post..

I want to get it down while I remember. The boiler people texted me with an appointment next Monday.

I'm glad I don't have to call and wait endlessly on hold, soo that's sorted which is good.

Great, now I've gone blank again..

I should do a grocery order for tomorrow, a week has passed but what I'm going to do is finish everything and see how long I can stretch between orders.

I just have to be sensible. I still have biscuits, crisps, pasta and pancakes.

Plus the hash browns and maybe steak. I think there is chicken also.

That should stretch for a few days and then Wednesday or Thursday I can do it.

A week and a half is better. I feel hormonal so my appetite is increasing.

I just might have to resist eating and stay hungry in the evenings.

Oh yea my plan is, when I inform UC, of the rent change in October..

That's when I'll add naturally, by the way, my savings are gone now and I'm happy to send screenshots if need be to prove it because I cannot afford food now.

That way, they have to take me seriously and knock off that £30ish penalty that they keep deducting each month.

And I really need that for groceries but there is no easy way to inform them, it's complicated.

I really wanted to do at least a top up shop, get some bread in or something.

I'm going to have the last of the pasta/food today and not do a grocery order until Friday.

I can't keep spending money from my bank account, unless I top it up and even then, it will be used up.

Tomorrow takeout for 2x days. It's the only way to stretch the budget.

I never thought I'd be stuck like this. Wanting to shop but being physically unable to do so.

I never envisioned the hand pain and body pain and tiredness, getting to this degree.

There is absolutely no help, no-one to rely on. The neighbours are shady..

And again even if there was someone to take me to the shops, how do I carry it, without bursting into tears?

I miss having paypal savings. Just go to Ocado Zoom, get the lunchtime deal, pick up snacks and bread and have enough until my next big grocery shop...

Anyway I can adapt. I'll try and make good decisions. I'll learn what will sustain me long-term..

For now this seems to be the way to do it.. Gosh I want December to get here.

The roads open and buses running all the way so I can grab items and not walk halfway home, with my hands killing me.

I don't really want to thinks about Christmas. I've spent it alone, that's nothing..

But that's the time I want to treat myself a bit.. I don't know if I can afford to do that..

I don't know how or why but it's got to work out someday. I can't keep struggling to make sense of life and it just not come together for me.

#BogLife1145 - Switching.. But not if I have a choice..

I wasn't expecting that. The sardine tin had way less fish in it, compared to the Mackerel, I would have thought it would be the other way around.

Actually I hoped both would be packed. I thoroughly enjoyed them.

The sardines probably had more salt and slightly more flavour, it lingers on the palate.

I definitely would get each of them again, so simple yet delicious and I need something uncomplicated because the pain is just creeping up more from doing nothing.

I'm so basic at times. Mainy all I was eating with the crackers was cheese so to have a different taste was great.

At times, nothing appeals to me, so at least with familiar foods, I know I'll enjoy it and have it until I'm tired of it.

But I still try to rotate, fish, chicken, beef or meat free meals to interchange it.

I can't remember if I had a boiler checkup this year but I got a missed call from them so I'll call them back next week (this week), whenever I post this..

Also a message from EE, bit confusing. They want me to completely change over to EE broadband..

I'm with BT their partner, but I prefer BT, I wonder if that is an option..

They said something regarding fading out UK landlines, the home phone but also said, you can move to EE for that service too..

That doesn't make sense. Why would I want too or have to switch over then?

I have to call them and discuss that too. Ugh I don't want another router. I hate setting it up..

For some reason I always mess it up. Plus I have to input the new wifi password into my phone and laptop ugh..

Hmm.. Well that was unexpected I was checking the spare email as one of the randoms bugged me to email, but hasn't even responded..

Anyway in my spam there was an authentic looking penpal request....

It seemed normal, a few paragraphs long, a solid introduction and it appealed so I replied to it.

I'm taking it with a pinch of salt.... We'll see, penpalling can go sideways for various reasons..

Too flirty, too short, too long or some can't handle different opinions..

Oops...... My bad. Curiosity made me look at the date it was sent, this is how lil I check the spare email...

13th September, eek I'm a lil late. Three weeks ago.. Umm better late than never?

I didn't even apologise. I literally thought it was a day or so that it was sent..

#BlogLife1144 -- Rejected - But not from myself

I woke just before 8am and thought too early but I managed to get some more sleep actually which was nice.

I'm feeling sore here and there so I feel like I need extra rest. I had this feeling I'm dehydrated but at the same time, I do feel I'm drinking enough..

Just seems like I'm on the verge of leg or foot cramps and that's normally a sign to drink more.

I should go to the kitchen actually and get some water. It's just gone 1pmish and I should eat too but not yet.

I'm trying to get my thoughts to make sense. It's been 3 weeks now, since I halted communications with Mama..

And what became clear is that I actually feel rejected by her refusal to listen and acknowledge what I've shared.

I've spent my entire life being unheard, talked over, ignored, ridiculed and I thought finally sharing my deepest confessions would change our dynamic.

But everything has remained the same and she's always been unapproachable, my needs didn't matter and they still don't.

Anyway, that had been on my mind. I was trying to figure out what my issues are and Why I always feel like a burden to others, just for being myself..

Talking, sharing, opening up..... Just seems like nobody in real life wants me too..

Family rejected me for not being confident, slim and intelligent.

Males rejected for not being skinny, pretty or easy.

Friends rejected me for not putting up with being ignored and taken for granted.

Why does talking/writing/sharing always make me feel peckish ha..

I guess I'm the one doing the rejecting now because I just don't really care.

I'm tired of hoping for someone genuine to come along, to embrace all parts of me and see my potential.

I have to keep overcompensating and boosting my ego again and again.

I'd rather not have you in my life, so that I can naturally feel good.

Instead of disappointing you and hearing about, how I don't measure up and all my deficiencies listed..

The pain is bad and I don't even know why. It's just automatic. I thought the blankie would help but for some reason, it's staying on low, when I need it on medium.

Before I die, I'd really like to matter to someone. Just one normal healthy unscary relationship.

But that's too much to ask for and I just don't know how I'd feel safe exploring that possibility...