#BlogLife1137 - Things loners and unsociables wish you knew...

There seems to be a lot of assumptions about why a person chooses to be alone or doesn't particularly welcome you in their life..

1. Stop assuming I have no people skills. 

I can carry a conversation, initiate, listen, be witty or serious. I'm not fazed by that, unlike some others who brag about how confident they are...

And fall to pieces, if you suddenly go quiet and let them lead!

2. It is a personal choice. 

I'm not horrendous to be around. Why is the perception to blame the soloist for being unlikeable, instead of perhaps intensely guarded? Is beyond me.

3. My life experiences greatly differs to yours. 

I have been through a hell of a lot in my life.

Maybe....... Just maybe, that has contributed to it.

4. I've always been independent and I will always love my own space.

Why do you think I will desperately latch on to you, like you are all that and then some pfft?

If anyone should be counting their blessings here.. It's you!

Whether it's a romantic entanglement or a friendship or even an acquaintanceship...

I like space to breathe and hear my own thoughts quietly. I'm not on call for you 24-7 and frankly any company drains me.

5. Why is it you think. Oh it's obvious, she won't prioritise others needs, that's why she's alone..

Ahem. Big falsehood. I will make time for others and give them what they need.

Why am I automatically labelled selfish? Did it ever occur to you, that though I strive to support others...

I do not get the same care and concern back?

6. I'm not You! You need people or have a need to be liked or surrounded or ego boosted or to be popular..

I don't feel any of that. All I want is to be accepted and seen for who I am, not who you want me to be, to fit in to your ideals.

7. You must be shy or lacking in confidence, poor thing..

Stop labelling me! I'm random in the moment. I can be nervous, confident, arrogant even.

But that's not the reason I'm not engaging. I just have no interest.

8. Did it ever, even once occur there could be a medical reason behind my reluctance to go out?

That it's an immense challenge to battle my mind and body and have to psyche myself up first, before exiting the building?

9. Very few people are worth over taxing myself for. 

When I get home, I might be dizzy or disorientated moving around to get to my room and sit down to take the weight off my tootsies..

Then it almost seems overwhelming to get back up, get some water, change and deal with whatever else needs my attention.

I've got to deal with the intense pain shooting through every part of my body and the extreme fatigue that's drowning me..

10. Listen Dollface, (I don't know why I love that name for sarcasm, it just makes me laugh).

(Back to the post)..

All the above is pretty flowery words but humans are sociable creatures.

You can't just not be a part of it. I forbid this rebellion..

You listen to me Dodo! The great point about being an individual, is that I don't have to conform.

I will decide if I want to socialise or not, on my own terms.

People have not been kind or decent or respectful. I've gotten to the point, where I wonder why I bother?

I like my walls. I like my safe space and most of all. Unlike you, with zero standards, I choose to be selective about who I let close to me.

#BlogLife1136 - Treats for my sweet (tooth)

I'm shopping for the essentials, grocery wise but if offers come up, where I'll save money anyway on a premium product..

Why not get it? I don't think I've tried Solero berry bliss, mix of ice cream and a lolly, 3x £2.75..

I think I tried an orangey version and it was a love/hate. I didn't think it was ice cream and it was on the bitter side. Hopefully this is sweeter..

Scrap that I don't think it was the Solero brand but J20. Maybe I've not tried them then...

I don't buy ice cream that often, lollies quench the thirst better but beggars can't be choosers..

It wasn't my first choice, there are limited frozen options and Iceland doesn't seem to be restocking, which is bizarre, wouldn't customers go somewhere else..?

Anyway with this crazy humidity and sun, I wanted something chilled or frozen.

It turns out there was a discount 2x £4 and the other thing was the Nando's chilli jam. I finished it already ha, so good.

The real price of that is £2.50 so the proper price is £5.25 altogether but only paying £4 so why not.

The other new thing is the Hill Biscuits mini pack, for a £1. This seems fun, if you get everything.

Apparently, 3x in every pack, who knows how tiny they are or if they taste good?

Coconut, ginger, shorties (shortbread I guess), and then custard, orange and chocolate creams.

I mean that's pretty extensive as a range. I'll try to take pictures.

Also there was a 2x pack of steak and cheese bakes for £2. It looked interesting, I prefer chicken and maybe without cheese but it's new so we'll see.

The other thing was the Majestics almond ice cream lollies 4x £2 and as a Magnum knock off, that's superb value.

I don't recall if I've tried it. It's been mainly pure lollies for years. The last thing I saw..

I don't know if it's exclusive to Iceland but I was waiting until my free hair products ran out..

Xpel argan oil conditioner £1, for a 300ml tube, that's very cheap.

I've been dying to try it out and now I can. All this is stock dependent, so unlike other stores that say, oops, not available..

With Iceland you take a risk or get another brand just in case.. Ahh now I get it..

This time Iceland's tracking said Out for delivery but the map didn't come up...

No queue number and no name. Then I got a text, having difficulties but will still deliver today..

Well it was supposed to be 8-10am and it's 9.40am but at least I was just called and at least they didn't cancel.

The representative said, the driver didn't turn up, so they've got another person to fill in and it could be another hour.

I appreciate the call. I forgot to mention that I'm struggling with the bending and would they consider, my shopping bagged?

Oh well.. As predicted around the 11am mark, Iceland showed, did apologise, which was respectful.

Considering they are short staffed. I was expecting to wait longer.

And only helped towards the end, some ouchy back twinges but the bins are out, the shopping is unpacked.

There are photos on twitter for the conditioner and biscuits. My appetite hasn't surfaced yet.

I just wrote another #Things series, which was fun. It's so funny how certain items look so fancy and you're only paying a pound.

You'd expect the biscuits and conditioner to be really pricey for the amount included.

I do love my bargains. I could have slept more :(

#BlogLife1135 - Back up

Good afternoony folks. How are you? I had a long glorious sleep last night.

I woke up late but my body needed it and my back feels so much better with the binaural beats on all day and trying to not over exert myself.

(I think I played it for 2 days straight and it was one of those... Is it working? I don't feel better..)

But obviously it was, because I don't take painkillers. I haven't used heat much, so what else could have helped?

Actually while it's early I have the blankie on low to boost the recuperation process and the fan is on too.

It's not completely healed but at least now, while I'm bending, I'm not screaming or cursing from the sharp pains..

I'm going to order groceries for tomorrow as it's over a week and I need to stock up.

Hopefully G will deliver in bags and then less straining my back but we shall see..

I've finished Asda's Face Facts cleanser... Umm I liked the orangey appearance, the fruity scent, the lightness..

But it didn't help with the breakouts. It was preventative and I still have dry patches on my face so I wouldn't buy it again.

I don't recommend it for combination skin. I think yesterday I started on the Garnier Vitamin C clarifying wash £3.50.

50p less and it foams nicely. Transparent appearance so a lil boring.

I don't think it's scented, another minus point but it is refreshing to use.

Parts of my face are still dry. I think my eye drops are the cause, it runs down my face and the sides are dry.

I'll be honest. I keep forgetting to moisturise, so I have to do that more.

I'm speculating but I think the Garnier will perform better but it's too early to say anymore.

Hopefully in a few weeks I'll remember to give an update. I'm so glad the weather is presently mild, my back is loving the heat.

I don't even want to get up for water or food but oof it's nearly 2pm, so I definitely should..

At some point, I have to pluck my brows also. It slips out of my mind, gosh they must be a fright..

#BlogLfe1134 - Is it better to hate myself or put up with hate?

If I reached out in the future, I'm not sure what I'd say to Mama. I don't want to keep being cruel, but I also can't stand dealing with her.

Maybe something like.. It wasn't all bad. I appreciate the good things you have done for me too.

But I have squashed my needs all of my life and I'm finally recognising what I can and can't live with..

I just don't want to sacrifice my happiness, just so that you won't be sad.

I can't say... Oh you make me depressed or that you're not approachable..

Or that, the truth is You have always made me feel bad. I should have communicated this clearly a long time ago..

But I feel like when you kicked me out. I was lost and then trying to find myself.

Then unearthing and trying to put everything into words, took time too.

I think if I had broached everything and you still gave this cold unfeeling response..

I would have cut contact then. I always felt like noone had my back and was on my side, so I felt alone.

I just don't have the strength to endure it and confrontations were always so hard because noone listened. Noone cared.

Being brave and finally opening up was a big deal. I've been scared all of my life, to deal with any backlash..

And the hurt of being ignored. My worst fears were confirmed. You don't want to work on our fractured relationship..

You expect me to sweep it under the carpet and forget I have needs, which I've always done, to spare you being upset.

When do I get to look after myself? When am I ever going to be the concern?

It's very freeing to stand up for myself and say. I'm tired of this crap.

I know for sure, if I contact you..... After a while, it will all go back to the same treatment...

And I don't want to be depressed anymore. I'm tired of pretending I'm strong enough to deal with you.

I'm fragile and delicate and sensitive and there's nothing wrong with that.

Luckily you have really special friends around and they will support and look out for you in my absence.

I don't have that. I have never had that because I grew up thinking.... Nobody wants to be around me.....

I'm not enough. Not slim, not pretty, not smart, not sociable...

Everything wrong with me, you were quick to point out. I have this belief, people can see inside me and laugh that there isn't any substance to me,

I run and hide before they can tell me, confirm it...

That I'm just not someone that deserves love and care and wholesomeness.

That they don't see anything good and special about me. That I'm just rotten and defective.

The lifetime of damage is done and you can't fix it.

I don't want to be hurt anymore. Not physically, not emotionally..

I want to rest my head on someone's shoulder and cry and not be punished for being weak..

But uplifted for being true to myself.

Why don't you understand that and stop making me miserable?

Think about someone, other than yourself..

I have a feeling, the longer I stay away, the more content I will be.

I don't know if it's even possible to recuperate while someone keeps inflicting pain..

This is soo strange. I thought I saw season 2 of Happy's Place but it's news to me Emmet and Bobby sorta moved forward..

Ugh I'm trying to heal my back and had the blankie on, but I'm suffocating. It's turned really hot, so the fan feels ineffective.

The humidity has gone awful. My back is still screaming every time I bend for something and I keep dropping things argh.

But I need a distraction from the pain. I did eat yesterday some pasta that was easy to heat up.

Aside from the early morning wakeups and getting back to sleep. I am rested but now I'm worried about the weekend shopping.

How on earth can I manage to bend, pack it into bags and not scream or curse?

I really am beginning to hate the drivers. Please let the back be healed, otherwise I may just skip it and I'm not sure what to do when the food runs out...

I can get takeout I guess. Let's think positively. It's only Tuesday, still a few days left.

If the temperature drops I can put the blankie on and not feel faint.

Ugh I have a uc appointment next week. That's going to be painful, getting ready.

Let's just take it one day at a time. Hmm Morrison's sent me a £10 off coupon but I have to spend £60..

The reality is spending £50ish and I've scaled back. I'm only spending £40ish now to stretch the pennies further.

It's not a good deal, considering some of us have smaller households.

#BlogLife1133 - Living for myself, no more holding back..

Oh the double socks help so much. The weather looked overcast but I didn't wear a coat,

But layered for the first time in ages. I'm glad I did, it was part blinding hot sunshine, freezing cold wind.

I was a bit warm from walking, but at least I wasn't cold. No horrid uc advisor, he didn't grill or accuse and I was not in the mood.

Not as tired as I usually am, slept off and on every 2 hours but I felt rested.

But walking back, I didn't rest, did eventually get to sit on the bus.

Slightly embarrassing... The oyster fare thingy was out of order. He was so angry, I kept trying to swipe it...

My version. I was a minute away from where the bus stopped and was leaning on the bus moving forward...

So knackered and pleading he wouldn't go... I am grateful, he waited for me.

I could barely stand so was searching for my card, trying to stay upright and he waved me on..

I thought...... He mean't catch your breath and then swipe...

I think that's happened before to me. So I got back up and tried to swipe and he was like....

Sit down..... It's not working!!! Umm well say it clearly then, instead of whispering..

If you get caught by a bus inspector, not swiping.. There is a fine to pay.

Sorry can't recall how much but there was no way I was risking that!

I tried both the mini foundations one is my shade, the other is darker, so I blended both.

Oh the new palette it came out as lighter. I'll have to watch for that and mix that so it gets darker.

Ok that was stressy. I didn't have the correct change for the takeout guy and for some reason, he couldn't break a twenty..

I said what I always do. Take it back and he was saying. Bring me the change or get it.

So I had to explain, the buses aren't running, I am disabled. If you're not happy, take the food back...

He was like I can't take the food back. I'll go and get change and return.

The one thing I did like was he gave me the food and half the money, as if to say, I'm not robbing you..

I will return and that's the guarantee. But the smug attitude, I can do without.

I won't order from them unless I have the exact amount or I'll change branches..

But I do love paying 50% less every time. I shall sip my 7up to stop my tummy feeling upset and munch away.

On to today, Monday.. I was bending a lot yesterday, to pick things up or plug things in and now my back is in excruciating pain.

I can barely move. I don't know if I can be bothered to eat today.

It's not easing up and I feel rotten, plus just started my monthly, so it's a lot to cope with.

I need new earbuds, The case is not charging them properly. I have to keep it open and keep fiddling with them.

They are blue, indicating fully charged but the battery percentage is only halfway.. Ugh.

I feel like they only charge, when the case is plugged in. I've got the binaurals on, the heated blankie on but it's hurting a lot.

This would be the day, to order sandwiches but nowhere takes cash and I don't know whether I have an appetite anyway.

I'll see how I feel about blogging this week. I just want to curl up and bed and sleep.

#BlogLife1132 - And a suitable response, would have been....?

I'm so glad the week is over. I just have to get through the uc meeting and then slowly get back to the stories.

Maybe I should treat them like the blog. I'm excited to write that. I can attempt to focus on the Christmas story every day.

At least a paragraph maybe?

I hate when I'm right. I checked my email and Mama's response was there.

I called it. She said, Sorry that she's been a bad Mama, that she didn't have the courage to discipline and kick them out.

That she does value/love me. That I'm the only one she enjoys spending time with.

And she hopes one day I'll forgive her. It makes me teary because it's empty..

It's the same speech she's always given. I wanted her to dig deeper but she's assuming an apology mends a lifetime of abuse and damage to my mental state.

This time, it just does not cut it. There is no self reflection

There is no.. The reason behind it was...

I'm sure that she does feel bad but how many times, can you just hear sorry and the disrespect continues??

I need time. I know that. She didn't address the assault or the cousins and I don't know why that bothers me.

But it does because it's once again being swept under the carpet,  like I fabricated it.

If that was me and I was responding, I would have two tabs open. The one with the sent email and the blank page to mention each and every single point raised.

So that person felt truly heard and understood and then I would add my personal input, that I respect everything you've shared.

Thats been built up over years. I'm glad you opened up, even though it really shocked me.

I just want to tell my side now. Then I will take my queues from you.

Anyway Yes I am starting to feel guilty for cutting off contact but not enough to resume it.

I matter too. I have been carrying this for years and I don't want to anymore.

We will be acquaintances but not family. I did not get what I needed.

And Yes I realise it was a lot I dumped on her but some of it, she already knew...

And sorry to say. I question if she read all of it or just cannot handle the truth?

No reaction to your only daughter being suicidal and assaulted? None.....

Does she realise how hard it was for me to talk about it? How vulnerable I felt?

The other concern is, it's my business. I'm very private, I know it's weird I have a blog but this is anonymous..

But she likes to blab and in no way, did she reassure me, she would keep it confidential.

So Yes, anger is beginning to take over. Once again, my needs are ignored.

I don't feel validated. I don't feel it's a safe space.

But since childhood, I've needed to have my say and I finally felt strong enough to do it.

I pretty much knew the reaction. I would get and it's not comfort.

I want to fall to pieces and be seen but I'll never get that from her.

She expects me to do what I've always done and forgive and forget.

No, not anymore. I am staying the child. The raw vulnerable child that was tortured and didn't have any way to stop it or speak...

You better come to terms with it fast, because the pleasing daughter, you once knew, is gone.

I am shedding light on the truth.

Now I better continue getting ready and put this to one side. It's enough for now.

My head needs a break.

I don't know why I have a fierce need to say this....

But I am not a liar, everything I've admitted was the truth. I feel as though, she's already thinking I'm exaggerating or seeking attention.

I have zero support and I am alone but for right now, it's a damn relief because I get to look after my needs that were neglected for so long....

Catering to your illusion!

Goodbye for now. I need to heal and be there for myself, because you can't or won't be my rock.

Take care but don't contact me.

Ps, Another really depressing aspect to this was just how much she supported and listened to outsiders, but not her own flesh and blood.

She is capable, she chose not too. Not to listen but to criticise instead.

#BlogLife1131 - Not preference, but reality

I had a nice chat with a random, don't ask the name. I can't remember and then 5x days later, ghosted.

I can understand when you don't mesh and it's an effort but we seemed to get along well.

But ok, if you don't want to talk. I block and accept.

I've just tried the Grill House tandoori kebabs, the long kofte ones.

It took about 20x minutes. I'd probably do it for a few minutes more.

I like the tandoori flavour but it could do with more herbs, that was the only seasoning that came through.

I still enjoyed it. Pricey. £4 for 5x kebabs.. I had intended to slice it up and put it on top of some cheesy garlic bread slices..

But as usual I was too hungry so had the garlic bread solo.

Oh by the way G finally delivered my Iceland order and he said Oh I haven't seen you in ages..

So I said Yea I've been cheating with other supermarkets, he just laughed and dropped off the bags.

I so wish I had asked the days he was working..

Ok that freaked me out. My phone rang and no number or name came up...

I ignored it and looked at the call history. It was Mama, of course.

I don't want to talk to her yet. It's weird. It's like I already blocked her but I haven't....

I wrote the above yesterday before I sent the email. If you're wondering how I am and if I regret it..?

No. This has been brewing since I was a teenager. I could not articulate any of it.

I had no voice or expression. Day by day the lil self esteem I had was chipped away.

How I felt can be summed up in this point. Imagine, wanting to speak and not knowing how?

It's such a basic thing. Late last night I blocked her on the phone.

This post summed up, me wanting to open up but it not coming out. Until I lived alone and was safe..

This post was so powerful for me to write. In 2017, the year I started blogger..

Highlighting my pain and depression. I think it was the first proper fiction piece.

I am so proud that I was able to say it. I don't know why but I love that line..

"The strands kissed my shoulders and then danced away."

I felt like I was saying to myself through the tears. Hey, this is you, finally writing, finally unearthing.

Go you. I love you so much :) I think I classified it as fiction because although it was real, it wasn't in the usual post style.

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2017/08/if-im-not-me-who-am-i.html

This other post, relives my assault. I finally faced it and when I said He/They..

I mean't my siblings who had bullied me and stole my happiness and safety and the person who committed the act, that I had to recognise happened.

In the end, it got to the point where. It had to be acknowledged. 

That was the only way, I could write it. All of it, I tried to erase but time ran out and it doesn't matter if I'm emotional, reading or writing it..

I have to try and heal.

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2022/05/bloglife266-he-he-he-they-broke-me.html

There had been no text or email. No acknowledgement, to even say..

I didn't know any of this. I do care but if space is what you need after sharing, we will talk in the future.

I have left email as her only recourse for getting in touch. If she chooses.

I think it actually finally dawned on me, when I had the courage to say it to her..

I don't need to know Why. For my health, I just finally want it to sink in..

This was my life and reality. The one you denied. Let it sink in, how vulnerable, depressed, suicidal and unsafe I felt.

Don't dismiss my childhood because it's shameful. Accept it all happened and empathise that..

Even if you felt powerless or obligated. You never once wrestled with confronting them or calling the Police to eject them.

As for my cousins who shattered my confidence.. I did tell you about that..

You said.. They probably don't mean it. You're family. You have to be close.

I admire them for how slim they are. I love how pretty they are. They are so approachable and friendly..

Why can't you emulate them?

With your son's and nieces.. Your attitude was.. You're overreacting to it.

It's not bullying. They are too sweet. It's their Mama's fault not them.

You should want to be like them and be slim. Why can't you lose weight and talk more???

Now do you get it? What I had to live with? And why I am so angry??

And why cutting her out, is not such a problem.

I care. I love her. But there's comes a time, when you think, I've been emotionally rejected and beaten by your attitude, once to often.

It's time for you to face the consequences of your words and actions.

I was broken in pieces and so fragile and only in my 30s/40s was I able to finally face you and reveal everything. 

Whether you like it, accept it or ignore it. This is me.

I have spent decades undoing the damage. Learning how to like and love myself.

That my needs matter.

That what I think is important too.

Lastly I have grown to be a beautiful, flourished, accomplished woman.

Who talks and who people listen too and admire.

I don't hate myself. I don't think I'm dumb. I'm kind to myself and others.

Sounds vastly different to the shy girl, who just wanted to be loved, respected and listened too, with care.

Im sorry you finally have to face it. But the weight is off my shoulders.

Despite you and your family trying to make me insecure and change me..

I turned out great. Never in love. Never surrounded by friends.

But you know what??

I'm true to myself. That's a kind of happiness about not living a life in denial.

Moving forwards. I don't see our relationship being evolved.

I can't see you discussing it deeply. I could be wrong..

It will be civil and friendly but empty.

I finally get to break away of the fake version of life, that you revel in.

I can breathe again and get on with life.

#BlogLife1130 - Crazy Self Therapy 11 *Updated*

If you're a new reader, I'll just explain. I'm not in therapy. I don't trust anyone to open up to them.

So for my sanity sake, I pretend to be the Doctor and patient. It's something that works for me..

Hi SS. Welcome.

Hi Doc. I want to explore something. What if I told Mama the truth and she still didn't care?

I don't want to hurt her feelings but it keeps spinning around in my head.

The reason I don't say anything, is if after she heard everything and dismissed it or said she didn't believe me..

I think that would be the final straw, to walk away permanently.

I've just been thinking how peaceful it would be to break that tether and be free.

Don't you think that's extreme? Wouldn't you regret it?

I've gotten to a point where the stress is burying me. I feel stagnant like I'm holding back or waiting for the next disaster..

I can't write. I can't concentrate. I am floating but shackled and my head keeps disappearing underwater.

Let me be the objective one then. What are the pros and cons?

Well, if I told her, that would make me feel heard and less blocked.

On the other hand, she barely listens and is quick to pretend I haven't shared something vital, because it doesn't fit her rationale.

What is your desired outcome?

What am I even expecting??? I think validation. That how I feel matters to her.

I think I want her to take responsibility for her poor decisions. That had a devastating impact on my life.

As an adult. I will take care of my wellbeing, safety and choices.

But as a child, that was not in my control.

It's not something I can get over until she owns up to her part.

Do you wish she would self reflect and not make empty statements without real confessions?

All she says is that she was a bad parent and did the best she could.

On the surface, that is a step but there is never anything added to explain why? Never!

Do you feel it's a cop out?

I actually do. I've let her get away with so much. By saying that, she relinquishes her guilt without personal growth..

That is what ticks me off. I've worked on myself and don't mind admitting my flaws and wrongdoings, why can't she?

How would you do it? In person? Over the phone? In an email or text?

I don't think I could do it in person. Too public. Probably an email or text messages.

What would you say honestly?

Dear Mama,

Only read this while you are free. Not listening to music, not on a phone call, not cooking, not in company.

Thank you.

This is really hard to say, which is why I need your undivided attention.

For the longest time I have questioned our relationship and what I am getting out of it.

I grew up in an unsafe environment, fearing each day for my life.

Being bullied and threatened, while you stood by and did nothing, or not enough to ensure my mental and physical safety.

I hated my life and my body and my personality.

The truth is, my siblings weren't the only bullies. You became one, when you fixated on my weight and personality and compared me to other bullies, who you worshipped!!

You never once made me feel I was good enough as I was.

I was so depressed, so full of self disgust, so trapped, that I tried ending it, over and over, just to get an escape.

I let men I dated say the most vile disgusting things to me, in the hopes that one day, they would care.

I went out, hoping to disappear into the world and never have to come home again.

When I was 17 years old. I was sexually assaulted. I was a virgin and all I wanted was someone to love me and accept me for who I was and who I would become.

A part of me permanently died. I realised I would never ever feel safe again in male company.

That's why I don't date.

You want to know why I didn't tell you? You would blame me, the victim.

I tried so hard to stick up for myself and face the threats of violence but I was too afraid.

You didn't protect me. You blamed me for all they did wrong.

I am 48 years old and I can never be vulnerable around anyone.

I can never let anyone close to me.

I don't trust anyone!

You taught me, who I was, wasn't appealing. I grew up believing I was unlovable.

So why am I telling you all this? Why now? Honestly, I don't know if I want a relationship with you anymore.

You don't listen. You don't respect my boundaries. You talk about them, the cousins, your sons, like they are innocent.

You tell me to get over it. I'm cold hearted. I'm stubborn....

In your eyes, I'm to blame. You see them as misunderstood.

Never once have you seen it from my point of view.

I tell you, not to mention their names or anything about them.

You gleefully praise them and admire them.

That tells me. You don't care about my needs and you sure as hell don't respect me.

Why should I revere and respect you???

Or want to talk or spend time with you?

I've stopped caring about protecting your feelings. I'm looking out for myself.

Don't you dare make anymore promises or statements, you can't keep.

My health is getting worse and worse. The only thing I've wanted is peace of mind.

With you out of my life. I'm that much closer to it.

Goodbye (for now or permanently)

It depends on how you act from now on...

Wow! That was a lot. I wasn't expecting so much brutal honesty.

If it's something you need to do..

It's not for me to say your next steps. Once you send it, there is no going back.

It's brave though, talking to a brick wall..

It might take some time to take it in. You need to be patient.

So I tweaked the ending, told her not to discuss it with anyone and said I need a break from her.

But it's emailed. My phone's off and I need silence.

#BlogLife1129 - It's not necessarily so..

I feel very muddled. I convinced myself today was Wednesday and on the bed was the contact lens case again, where I swear I put it away..

Are there gremlins messing with me? It's lunchtime so for me brekkie time..

A beef toasty and a fishy toasty. I just downloaded some upbeat songs to my phone, so it's something fresh.

I'm not looking forward to Friday's hike, getting to the Market, with the buses only half running.

Plus knowing the morning nausea and tiredness is seeping into my pores.

But when I get home, I'll be able to relax. I haven't been promoting the blog on reddit, in words.

The links are there, that's enough for the moment but I have been getting involved in alsorts of discussions..

Lighthearted and serious and maybe by doing that, someone will be curious and check out my profile?

I'm honestly having fun though. There's more friendly interactions than I anticipated.

I just went ahead and did a grocery shop for tomorrow instead. I'm running low so it makes sense to do it sooner, rather than later.

I am feeling better but at the same time, tied in knots.. I did get some cleaning tips though.

Well one stood out to me, while you are waiting for your food to cook and are in the kitchen anyway..

Why not race to finish off a chore before the oven pings.. I guess by making it more of a game..

It feels less like an obligation. I think my brain thrives on that deadline..

I never know whether to put out half a post or not...

Eventually there are some new Iceland foods I want to try. I think beef sausage rolls..

More veggie samosas, chicken bakes and a beef and vegetable pastie pack.

But for now I'll stick to the basics and throw more things together.

Oh something I didn't want to say..

I'm not sure I will be away for Christmas this year. I am getting closer to the snapping point...

I don't know I'll see. I just have a feeling if there are anymore confrontations or things said to make me feel like garbage..

I may just ask for space.

#BlogLife1128 - Lil sweet, lil fiery....

Nope I'm not talking about moi... It's time for some foodie reviews.

I just tried the McCain triple cooked chips. I did them for about 25 minutes which was perfect, the smaller ones were a bit crispy..

The large ones, just right and I thought I would dip it in Nando's sweet chilli jam.. Good crunch to them.

Yummy combination, like a sweet relish or ketchupy type.. It's not too sweet or peppery and I'm glad I tried it..

I wasn't sure at first. I think the more you have, the more the pepper kicks in, it was a lil tongue tingly but not harsh, just gentleish, if you don't like a lot of spice.

It's different to the usual mayonnaise or hummus or even garlic dips that I buy.

Oh it pairs really well with beef. I put it in a toastie and just small dabs, the lid is really hard to open.

Actually with every single thing I've tried, fish, cheese.. It's complimented it well, very versatile.

Something driving me crazy all weekend was this phone popup in all the games, cpu, fps I think..

Anyway I finally got rid of it. I opened up the plus tab in a game, unpressed System monitor and boom that solved it.

Even though my stomach is lurching, I do feel better now. I updated this previous post as more information came today.

Ah this means I'll have to do a grocery shop for Thursday or Saturday..

Oh my it's nearly 2pm and just had my first meal. I decided to do a burger toastie as I didn't have any buns.

Oof this was more like steak. I can't recall where I got it from, the same one with a short expiry..

I think it was Sainsbury, pretty tasty so what I did was grilled the bread, cooked the burger separately for 20x minutes.

Then when the toast was done, put Philadelphia cheese, garlic and herb one and a bit of the sweet chilli jam..

Delicious. I actually ended up slicing the burger to cover the whole toast, it was better.

Oof I am so bloated, still no monthly, but the symptoms are brutal.

I need to sip more water and see if that helps. An old show that is only 2 seasons long I love is called The Catch.

Basically a conman, seduces a woman, proposes, to get access to her company and client base..

To swindle her cashflow also but she's no simpleton that will lie down and sob and take it, she fights back.

It's an investigative firm and he just walks out on her and she tracks him..

But the kicker is, he has real feelings for her and she for him.

But he's also got a stranglehold partner who won't let him go. I like it, interesting.

I'm a bit scatterbrained today. I keep forgetting the topics.

The last thing I want to say. I'm extremely petty.

So me and Mama were talking and she said Oh if you're finished with that, don't throw it away because I can give it.... To so and so..

I would have no issue giving it to her, for private use but I'm guessing the person she is referring to...

Is my, I can't say it. The person, the sibling that's been destroying my life, bullying, threatening, etc..

His wife is who she is referring too and when she said it. I didn't even react. I have had absolutely no interest in them whatsoever.

They have a kid and I've never asked to see a photo or how he is doing.

Any enquiries, would be like me saying.... Yea being treated like crap is instantly forgotten and forgiven...

I can't do that. She would like that, but she's living in bloody la land.

She doesn't mind being treated disrespectfully, verbally abused, threatened with violence...

But I do! It's the fact that she has no compulsion and would ask and not think about how I might feel, which infuriates me...

So thoughtless and clueless. Really??? My patience is wearing thin.

I still feel like she's patiently waiting for me to say Yea I'm over a lifetime of fear.

*Shrugs* and to be honest, I was just overreacting to constantly running and locking myself in my room to avoid violence..

Silly me. Rolls my eyes. I think she's deathly afraid of looking inwards and realising she enabled all this toxic behaviour and still does.

I wish she would leave me out of it though. The more she includes me, the more it says. I don't give a damn about you.

I choose the abusers over you! She always blames me. One day I will snap.

Hateful things will pour out and the saddest thing of all, is that I will mean every single one...

Not because she's a bad person or because I'm evil. It will be due to holding back all these years.

Like how can someone as religious as you make me feel so small and insignificant??

How did you not see your own daughter didn't care about life?

You never questioned why your daughter stopped dating? Because you know what?

You didn't give a damn.

You never asked, Why is she so cold and detached? Why doesn't she have friends?

Why why why?

Maybe I would have told you. You pushed me to socialise with people that hated me...

I in turn couldn't stand myself. What did you expect?

And you know the funniest thing of all? In your eyes, they were perfect princesses.....

Could not do anything wrong. Model figures, winning personalities. Always smiling...

The daughters you craved and yet the one you had, that only wanted to please you..

You threw away like trash. I told you, how disgusting their behaviour was....

Your response? Oh just forgive them.....

My conscience is clear. Yours not so much....

Oh and Reddit is different now, when I post I don't have to choose a community, it's gone automatic I guess.

Some still get removed, saying Oh you're Karma is too low. Numbnuts, what the hell does it matter?

It should be based on offensive comments..

#BlogLife1127 - Just the two of us (blankie and I).. *Update*

I finally felt chilly enough and just yuck with the cramps that I grabbed the blankie and am cosily underneath.

It doesn't feel hot but that's ok. I just need it to warm me up and it has.

Heat therapy is nice. It will help sooth my bones. I have the fan on too, in case it's too stuffy.

Oh goodness me, what a morning. No G, so unhelpful Iceland driver stood there watching me unpack...

Back is sore and then lollies got stuck in the back of the freezer, the shelve wouldn't push in, spent ages trying to sort that..

My back is killing me... I'll be paying for that exertion soon enough..

It's not helping it's boiler day, had to put it on for a while and the nausea is just plaguing me...

Hopefully the binaural beats will ease it and I have ice water to sip and for brekkie in a bit, Greek bread and a salad with some butter

Eating might help but sprawling out is good too. I wish I could put on blankie today too, but I'm boiling hot..

A strange thing happened, when I looked at the Iceland invoice... 

It didn't say 50p for the cornettos, it said £1.85... I thought What on earth??

I had to calculate the bill because it did say discounts but not details but it turns out, I did get it for 50p.

Otherwise I would have handed them back and thought Scoundrels!!

Unfortunately no rolls in stock and no substitutions, arghh. They could have given a loaf of bread or another croissant pack..

But I will make do. This is the time, I would do a mini shop but nowhere takes cash and I can barely stand, let alone move..

Oof finally, I don't feel so queasy any longer, the binaurals helped.

I don't feel like munching yet.

Ugh, I took out the bins and they haven't emptied them and there is a notice someone put something in the recycling and they won't empty it..

Fine....... But what's the reason, you aren't emptying the bins??

I hate them, they frequently skip us without reason and it will continue piling up...

Ahh they finally came and did their job. No more bins on the floor. Good.

tt's now 11.14am, uc hasn't called or sent a message, the cramps and nausea is present.

I'm feeling stressed. I tried to finish this yesterday but couldn't.

It will be a FauxThursday edition.

Ugh I still can't relax, they are an hour overdue, it's nearly 12pm.

While I am waiting, I decided to get rid of all the facebook friends that existing from games I think..

I'm starting new because I'm entering the competitions and need tagging buddies.

I'm confused I deleted a bunch of names and they are still there..

I added my twitter and facebook name to a database so I can stop missing out on the goodies..

I give up. I will message them at 12.30pm. Right now, I've been avoiding eating so I wouldn't be away from my phone..

Sod it, time to make breakfast and relax away from these twits, who constantly have no issue, putting my health at risk!

Swines!

Right it's just before 1pm, I've made a salmon and egg toastie and it's getting cold as I write this.

I've messaged them, to give an update and to show, I didn't decide to ignore my meeting and will see if I get a response.

I'll update later or next week, I just want to switch off now.

Yea I thought so, they screwed me over. I got a threatening message to say give us a good reason you didn't attend, even though I messaged them..

So I just repeated it and I'm hoping, they ask me about it and don't penalise me, as they were the ones at fault, dodos!!

I want to leave this behind me, it's been a source of stress through the weekend.

So I am updating this post. The more I thought about it, call it paranoia or whatever you want...

But I am always called if I'm running late or to inform me I am supposed to present for a meeting..

This time I was not called and I find that strange... Because she's always running late and calling me...

How did she know, I wasn't in the building???? And even if she did, Why didn't she call and say Where the hell are you?

Unless she knew I wouldn't be there.

Either the person I saw messaged my advisor and requested the phone appointment and she saw it and thought..

How dare she take care of her health... I'll ignore it and she will face the harsh consequences of a no-show...

Or he forgot to email her and pass on my wishes.. I'm thinking it's the first one, she's spiteful and has a problem with anyone that has health problems..

They are not "real" in her eyes, we are all whiny fakers. Anyway like I've stated. I'm used to the prejudice, having faced it many times and resulting in barely being able to walk..

My point is, it backfired. She didn't know I'd cover myself and send a public journal message to explain myself.

So these messages mean everyone can read them, not just her. They are not private, so everybody gets an update.

She probably thought, Ha, I'm going to get away with punishing her...

But everyone can read that message and to deny it, she'd have to provide proof and I can waltz in there, supposedly point to the person I saw and have him confirm it.

(Lil does she know, I can't remember his face at all) lol.

Today, (Monday). I got a message. No apology, no thank you for updating us and providing an explanation....

All it said was a new appointment for Friday is booked, please attend.

And I shall. It will be curious to see her attitude. Whether she'll yell, be cruel, be sarcastic or be peeved, that she didn't get away with it...

The temptation to laugh in her face will have to be smothered by a calm composure...

I have my own back for anyone trying to mess with me!

#BlogLife1126 - Allergic to calls..

Does anyone else get these sudden cold/flu symptoms on long phone calls?

I start off normal (normal for me), and then as it progress.. I feel stuffy, my throat gets really dry and I feel infected...

It doesn't happen in person, only during lengthy calls..

Ugh I made a boo boo. I forgot to put the bread in the fridge and now the second loaf has gone off.

No more sandwiches, but lucky I have snacks and some pasta left, maybe there is more..

I'll do a shop for tomorrow or Friday, mind you, the uc is Friday.. Ok I have to do it for tomorrow, there's no early morning slot and I have to keep the phone free..

I was driving myself mad looking for my protein tablets, it's the beginning of the month so I wanted to do a deep clean on my lenses.

I didn't realise I had removed it from the packaging and rolled it up and stuffed it into the purple makeup bag.

I can do it tonight. I'm definitely having a nutty day today..

I'm performing actions and forgetting about them. I rested the spoon on the panini press while I was getting sorted..

When I picked it up, it was hot and I thought Oh No. It's been on all night but it wasn't switched on...

Literally 5 minutes ago, when the plan to make toast was on. I had turned it on to heat up, so of course it was still warm..

This happens when I'm split in too many directions, I can't focus.

Ugh the bloating and cramping is back.

Tomorrow if it's in stock, I''m going to try a few new things..

Poptastic onion puff crisps £1, x12. Nando's sweet chilli jam £2.50 x285g bottle, sounds interesting..

And McCain triple cooked chips, it was on offer for £1.67 x640g bag.

They are oven thick chips, so will take ages to cook.

#BlogLife1125 - It's not you readers, it's moi...

I have had so many drafts stored, fully written or just halved that this feels like the first time in ages, I'm staring at a blank page.

Worse still, I can't think of anything to talk about eek. The pressure is on..

I don't think this will go out today, unless I suddenly get inspired..

Finally someone was available to take the rent payment, yeesh I was kinda fed up on Friday, after calling twice and told to call back. Pfft.

I thought Nah, I'd be super vex, if no-one was available for the third time, so to avoid that I waited until today, almost forgot actually.

I woke up at 6amish. The BX29 earbuds are not lasting all night, just maybe 6 hours unfortunately.

Wow only 5 and a half months later, practically newish and already depleted that much.

I need a new pair, I'll save up Amazon credit and get it. I'm not sure there is any reasonable ones in the Market...

I'm still cramping and feeling a bit sicky. Friday is supposed to be my phone appointment..

There's been nothing official to say it is a phone one. I guess I'll be in trouble for a no-show.

I'll just explain my side, that I was told not to show up.

The Calypo lollies are lovely but I wished they fit inside the water bottle, that hint of fruit juice is lovely.

As the money isn't lasting the month, I'm going to spend less on groceries each week.

I tried to update that I had less savings, but it's way more complicated than I thought, so I gave up.

Ahh I just remembered another foodie review. Iceland had another chicken in a bag meal.

I think it was £4 or just under and it was pasta, peas, broccoli and chicken.

It's seasoned well, tasty enough. The broccoli is disgusting, it's just bitter so I don't eat that.

The peas are perfect, soft but not mush, with a lil chew to them.

I don't know why everything has to have broccoli, pick a tastier vegetable..

This bag is similar to the other one, I'm not sure if it was salmon, but that was hit and miss, if you heated the salmon too much, it became tough..

But if you only warmed it for a small while, the rest were cold.. A bad mixture..

The only thing that ever worked with broccoli was the Bachelor's cheese and pasta.

It was dry and you just added water to it, for some reason that combination worked well..

And I think somehow they tempered the harshness of the broccoli, maybe with butter or something else..

Another website that is really laggy and horrible to use, is facebook on the laptop.

For some reason on the mobile, it's really fast. It makes no sense to me.

I'm only using it to enter competitions.

Ooh exciting I was just making a shopping list for the weekend. Iceland is still out of most of the lollies, but broadly browsing..

I saw for some reason the 6x chocolate and nut cornettos which are normally...

Maybe £1.75 have for some reason reduced to 50p lol. I'm gonna get 2x boxes lol.

That's insane, in case they are sold out, I'll get the Magnum knock offs, the almond version..

It's 4x £2. I'm also going to try Nando's sweet chilli jam, it looks interesting..

For my sandwiches. I think I want something different from mayonnaise or ketchup or garlic and herb..