#BlogLife1143 - First mackerel experience (Naming it Hash-ishy)

I've bought the tinned sardines and the tinned mackerel and I thought What should I do with them?

I was hesitant to buy bread or rolls, what if they are sold out and I'm left with nothing?

I ended up getting bagels and muffins, shame they are white, but more likely to be in stock, than wholemeal sadly :(

I decided, what if I load up the Ryvita rye crackers instead? I didn't get cheese, to save money..

I do have fake butter and what I might do, which sounds weird.. (But I like weird)..

I saw mini hash browns, what if I cooked them and maybe mashed them up on top and then added the fish..

Like a crispy crunchy potatoey, fishy snack? Then some chilli jam drizzled over it?

Now as always, What do we call it?? These mixtures need a name...

Pot-ishy? Hash-ishy? Ha, it never gets easier..

I mean assuming everything gets delivered or they substitute..

I want to make it heartier.. To fill me up and I need to stretch out the meals too..

I think that work for the breakfasty lunch, first meal I have. I just have to cook the hash browns in advance..

I know when I'm hungry, I have to eat immediately.. So I'll have to plan ahead somewhat..

I can't predict when I'll be hungry, it varies.. 

I also have fillings to do some beef and some chicken burgers.

Plus a chicken pasta and a spicy cheese macaroni.

Plus snacks. Hopefully it's enough food for a while. I still have leftover takeout..

But for some reason I am cramping hard so a light dinner was all I could cope with.

I would have liked to get salmon but oof is that pricey... These are way more affordable.

And it's better that I change things up anyway, rather than the same thing..

Oops I wonder if I got boneless.. I'm a lil nervous what if I hate it?

I also went with tomato sauce, rather than oil. Sometimes oil is too strong and ruins the taste for me.,

Ok I've paid the rent and tomorrow a fresh month to budget for.

I woke up at 8ish I think and it's now 11amish, very drizzly here, which I love.

Oops got to get the blankie out and I finally feel hungry, so I have to do the hash browns first and make my crazy sandwichy cracker thingy..

Ahh the hash browns are minis and look like croquettes, mini tubes of potato in batter I think..

Much easier to squish down. Iceland had a great version, seasoned well, I hope these are similar..

Wow, wow, wow, another successful pairing, to me, it tastes like sardines..

Absolutely delicious. A lil butter on the cracker gave it a more premium feel..

All the flavours blended well. I'm so glad I opted for tomato sauce instead of oil in the tin, perfect.

Granted the cracker was falling apart slightly. If I had a loaf of bread, that would be more stable..

But you know what, I actually like it on the cracker, it's different.

The mini hash browns, lil salty but very tasty, such a good choice..

Now to try with the chilli jam but being honest, that half filled me up so I don't think I can.

I have a feeling pmt is taking over, limiting my appetite, plus the cramping.

I'm writing this, in the hopes, my hunger increases, because I have four hash browns that need to go in a sandwich..

Oof but I'm full and completely happy and satisfied.

I don't cook, I have no expertise and I'm just going with my gut :)

Last thing, the mackerel, I had it in the fridge because I wasn't sure, so the chunk I pulled out was a big tough to separate.

It didn't taste tough but that's my only thought. The tin was easy to open, a pull tab, once I got a good grip.

Ooh I want to eat more but I don't have the capacity.

Ps I tried it with the chilli jam, it didn't add anything so it's not needed.

I bet it would be spectacular with olives, more of that mildly salty flavour enhancing it...

Or green peppers or cucumbers for extra crunch...Yum :)

#BlogLife1141 - Chatty Chicks Watching Flicks 29 - My Mad Fat Diary

As I'm rewatching this again and Reddit likes to delete newcomers opinions for having too lil Karma.

I'll just write my own take. I didn't watch this or know about it when it first came out..

I don't think. Maybe a few years ago I watched it for the first time and it was eerily accurate.

A portrayal of a plump teenage girl who didn't fit in, had a troubled home life, an issue with food and low to zero confidence.

I didn't realise that the snide bestie was played by Jodie Comer. I knew she looked familiar but didn't know why..

Anyway it's wonderfully acted and I'm glad they got a cast that looked young and a lead that had meat on her bones and not just a size 12 wailing about her figure.

Heaps better. My heavens the bestie is so relatable. Outwardly appearing confident and supportive but inwardly self doubting..

And instead of confessing. Yea at times, I feel out of place too..

She throws Rae to the wolves, time and time again.. I had that too, until I stopped engaging..

She assumed making me look bad, made her look good but people always flocked to me for opinions, so she basically alienated me for nothing..

Anyway back to the show. Wait let me wash off the mud mask and cleanse my face first...

Ok back. I'll never understand why Archie pursued her, kissed her, implied he fancied her.

Instead of just confessing.. Look I have a secret, Keep it to yourself. I feel like we've bonded away from the group..

But I'm questioning myself... Even just saying, can we practice kissing to see how it makes me feel?

Hell anything would have been better to someone socially awkward who is clearly inexperienced too..

She's been nothing but nice to you. You exploited her crush..

Hmm Kester, the unconventional therapist. I like him but an abundance of boundary crossing..

Kiss on the cheek, giving his home phone number.

A show without mobiles, crazy.. and 16yr olds, drinking alcohol. Weird..

Now Rae and Finn, the love interest. I liked him and didn't at the same time..

He didn't really fight for her but they seem unfinished.  I hope they reconcile..

But the other thing is.. Cripes you must have guessed she's inexperienced, has confidence issues and instead of taking it slowly..

Or reassuring her. I fancy you and I like this, that about you..

Intimacy just kept coming up

..To me he should have confronted her more and said.. I know something is up and I want to be there for you..

He was too laid back, waiting to bump into her in person,  squeezing a brief chat in and knowing they'd get interrupted by the group..

The new guy Liam.. Hmm not a fan. It's like he's pretending nothing fazes him..

The risk taking and wrecklessness, it's gonna catch up..

Aww so Tix died. I was hoping she recovered. I liked their friendship and Two hat guy, Danny :)

Hmm the controversial bit. Rae accusing Archie of being a phony and ladding it up, to fit in, while she swallowed her identity to also fit in with popular mean girls..

There was another way she could have confronted Archie and his girlfriend..

She could have told the guy.. You're not his type, he likes tall ones..

Instead of outing him and saying He's gay. I think that's pretty unforgivable. It's not your place to reveal that.

If he wants to blend in, until he's ready. That's his business, not yours!

I really didn't like her in that moment. Oh and also the Tix dinner, abandoning her, knowing how important eating was...

Pretty heartless, schedule it, on a day, you don't have a conflicting outing..

Aww so she and Finn did reconcile and then her moving away became an obstacle.

She should have pulled him aside and said, I need to talk. I'm unsure of what to do, can you be neutral for a second..

Discuss whether it be long distance whether you can move nearby..

Or whether we will break up. It's a bit rough to say, pick me or a career...

And yea it was stupid to be manic, pushing your friends to go out, when they should be studying, all because you're having boyfriend issues..

The cheating hmm? I mean the real issue is the bad communicating and pushing people away, living in your head on self destruct mode.

How long are people supposed to be patient with you? It felt an unsatisfying ending but at the same time, good for her, going away and maybe getting a fresh start from people, who don't know her past..

A fun rewatch with the up and downness. I do recommend it.

#BlogLife1142 - Female maturity Vs Male immaturity..

My patience is wearing thin. The recent random B let's call him, after about 5/6 chats confessed he's 20yrs older that stated..

WTF! Why lie?? Before that, here is the weirder part, he logged on with a slightly differently spelled name and his real age..

Messages me and it's a familiar sort of greeting. I assumed he put his date of birth wrong...

So I even made a joke... Oh I aged you and then he said No this is my real age so I said Sorry thought you were someone else..

He doesn't come clean about deceiving me...

Next time, he messages me and says I know you don't want to talk but I have to say something...

And I'm still none the wiser.. I said, Oh we had a misunderstanding, forget it....

Only then did he come clean... Umm, the truth is this is me and my real age... I lied because I knew you wouldn't talk to me..

I'm just shocked....... And frankly disappointed. I just said Congrats you found a way to justify lying!!

What do you want me to say???

I feel like he wants instant forgiveness and to carry on, as normal. Hellll no!

My instincts were right, he's still messaging me, trying to talk, as if nothing happened.

No, actions have consequences, you chose to purposely lie, now live with it!!

The next random says.... Fancy going out to dinner sometime?

I say No thanks..... His reply? Not Ok, take care...

He says Just joking! What a dodo!! I don't respect people that can't handle rejection maturely!

Yeesh you're an adult!!

The next random with a sleazy name... Fancy a chat??

I say only if it's decent....

Oh I only chat clean, it's against my nature to talk smuttily....

Lying ass, Why have that name then???

Ugh!!! I'm tired of the stupidity!

Well that's randoms for you. Ha a new theme could be #RandomLife...

But no, there's not enough material. Anyway it's been quite a morning.

I had hoped all the bills came out, but no the tax was the last one and I'm overdrawn by nearly £100..

I scrambled and quickly converted that £9ish into the bank balance, from the cashback.

And then I thought those paypal savings have to go. No more safety net...

I thought I only had £100 left but actually, it was just over £200..

I didn't intend to transfer it all to the bank but I guess I did, so my paypal balance is zero now.

Wow, it's come to this. I just did an Iceland shop for tomorrow. I need food.

I don't really know what's going to happen now, maybe I'll have to shop every other week...

I can see why people sell their souls for money now. What else can you do when you're long term ill?

The bills need to be paid, food is optional and budgeting? I'm spending the bare minimum as it is already..

I'm really tired of life and stress and having to put a brave face on.

I'll do my best, that's all I can do. It's actually funny, that I've lost my appetite now, just as I've done a shop..

#BlogLife1140 - May have been a tad overdramatical..

I feel a tad reassured. There's more in the freezer than I anticipated.

I do have fish, steak, beef pancakes and I have crackers too. I can stretch that out.

My hands are paining me so carrying shopping is going to strain them, that's a no no.

The cafe (The C****) I discovered has a really bad hygiene rating so that's not going to work either.

No matter the options, I'm taxing myself. Maybe I'll switch from 2x meals a day, to just one?

I still have that £10 altogether cashback pending. Oh ok it's £12 that's even better but it's still not enough to do a £40 grocery shop.

I feel like not buying food, is something I eventually have to get used too. There just isn't enough money.

I cut back and it still didn't work. At least with product testing, I can get some premium hair and beauty supplies for free.

Maybe I'll get a competition win that contains shopping vouchers?

It's ridiculous I can't even get to the shops. I think there is a Supermarket on the way to the Market but it's across an insanely busy road and I don't feel comfortable crossing..

And then I'm still stuck, if I try to carry a lot, I'll break my hands.

Not my preferred outcome but there is a 40% deal going at Just Eat. At least that's 2/3 days worth of food and £12 off.

I guess this is the time I wish I had no appetite. The spare cash I have is going to run out eventually.

At least when December rolls around the roads will be open and the shops are more accessible.

I won't be so delicate and exhausted. I just have to survive until then.

Oof I am so bloated. I had some soup and spring rolls, the rest can be for tomorrow or the next day.

I was hoping they threw in prawn crackers, meanies. It was pretty funny to be called and asked if I had change..

Just walk with some dodo, maybe they heard about my reputation.. This time I actually did though. 

#BlogLife1139 - Reddit is not for the faint hearted..

Hmm now I'm feeling the after effects of walking, my legs have stiffened and the pain is everywhere.

And on to today Wednesday afternoony. I do feel heaps better. I stayed in bed for about an hour after I woke, not for sleepiness but to give extra rest.

And now walking doesn't feel so bad. No real pain at present, which is a relief.

I finished the leftovers and I love the complimentary, make your own salad extra.

Yesterday I just felt like cucumbers so that's all I requested, other times I add onions, red cabbage, whatever those long green peppers are called...

Anyway I kinda reached my limit with my skin and just started scratching. I don't think it's bleeding but a tiny bit tender.

Now I'm trying to slather it with cream as I have no vaseline and hope that will cure the excessive dryness.

What I've noticed about Reddit, is the immaturity. If your valid opinion differs from the majority, you get downvoted, which means, losing Karma, that results in limiting where you can post..

I would only downvote for rudeness or unhelpful sarcasm because you're not adding to the conversation or you are diminishing my voice.

I think it's a shame to silence someone. It feels like a form of bullying.

But the majority are interesting and finally a few of my posts have actually landed and gotten replies.

A fair few get downvoted into oblivion and that feels personal but I persist anyway to spark off discussions.

I had fully intended to do an Iceland shop for tomorrow but the bank balance says different.

I completely forgot to deposit cash in the bank and if I want to groceries, I have to walk to get them and carry them back?

No that's not going to happen. I would have taken the bus, if it was running fully, but it isn't.

I could cab it but is that a necessary or unnecessary expense?

In 7 days, money will go in my account. I'll have to wait until then, otherwise there is an overdrawn fine, no thanks.

There are bits and pieces. I'm not sure if the bread is still good.

I have crisps left, maybe there is something hidden in the freezer that will save me..

If I get desperate, there is a cafe or a corner shop. I don't know if I'm up to walking that distance..

I am no stranger to starving myself or rationing food.

#BlogLife1138 - Rainy day Solero

I was not expecting that. I just cooked the puff pastry steak and cheese bake..

I'm so glad it wasn't overly cheesy, just a tiny amount and it was really nicely seasoned.

Very tasty. The older I've gotten big chunks of meat, turn my stomach, but these were small.

I'm glad I tried it. It was steaky, but not unpleasant. I would get that once in a while, quick and easy.

The knock off Magnum ice cream almond lollies, are divine, very creamy, tasty, ample size.

I miss my lollies lol. Oh and I'm not sure if it was new but for the same price as I usually pay..

They had southern fried fries. It's quite nice actually but the cooking is weird, some were perfect after maybe 18 minutes..

Some needed a bit more but then my appliance is so old, that could be the cause.

At least with chunky chips after 25 minutes they are all crispy. This weeks breakfast is probably going to be..

Cheesy toast, baked beans and if I can be bothered, sliced chicken meatballs, which are yum.

I'm trying to make heartier meals. I should eat more fish and not just salmon and cod, come on woman..

Expand. I'm thinking about mackerel. I don't think I've had that and sardines I had a lot when I was younger so as an adult, steered clear.

The taste wasn't bad. It was the repetitiveness. These would be good on crackers or toast or even fishy bagels..

I just felt a bit wimpy about seeing eyes, but they are headless, phew, an option is boneless too, which I would opt for...

I choke way too easily.. Pity Iceland doesn't sell kippers, those are lovely.

I forgot about that, another £10 is waiting to clear, cashback on my card.

I have to be sure to request it before the end of the month, otherwise it expires.

It's wonderfully miserable today. No sun, overcast all day, probably rained.

I was shivering and didn't need the fans. I got out the heated blankie and decided to try the berry Solero...

Hmm lolly and inside is vanilla ice cream. This tastes like a diet food.

Not very sweet, but luckily, not too bitter either. It surprisingly held it's shape and didn't fall apart, like most do.

I enjoyed it. Citrus is preferred. I wouldn't pay the regular price but it working out to £2 was reasonable.

It was a nice blend. Each day I've been opening a packet of 3x of a kind Hills biscuits.

They are crunchy, tasty and varied. I've been loving it. It's like high quality biscuits in a tin but the budget version and not skimping on the taste.

Where else would you get such a mix? I love ginger, orange, chocolate. I even loved the coconut and that's not my preferred taste.

What might be the only downside, is the custard cream, we'll see.

Granted they are small, but by the time you have the 3rd one, you're satisfied.

Not many would want more than that. Well maybe if you're famished but for me, I'm good.

I would definitely recommend it and Yes I'll be buying it again :)

I can't think straight but I swear the Chippy is usually open by the time I get home from my UC appointment.

Maybe I got back way earlier, this time around 11am and the appointment was 10.10am, good actually for all the walking I did..

Ugh I'm irritated I have a strong feeling the same bus driver is not stopping deliberately at my home..

I'm bloody exhausted. I hate him. Anyway good news, no horrid advisor, the stand in bantered about the weather, was genuinely concerned about me not feeling well and gave me an authentic phone appointment..

Woohoo!! So time to heal up, well rest really. I don't know, I just felt really sicky today..

Quick review, I used the Xpel argan conditioner with my own hair oil..

Umm.. It's not very luxurious looking. A white think gunk. It was easy to use and rinse out.

But no premium feel, my hair is flat, but soft but it styled really nice, cute flicks out...

But based on today. I would not get it again. It's very basic and if I'm paying for something, I want benefits..

#BlogLife1137 - Things loners and unsociables wish you knew...

There seems to be a lot of assumptions about why a person chooses to be alone or doesn't particularly welcome you in their life..

1. Stop assuming I have no people skills. 

I can carry a conversation, initiate, listen, be witty or serious. I'm not fazed by that, unlike some others who brag about how confident they are...

And fall to pieces, if you suddenly go quiet and let them lead!

2. It is a personal choice. 

I'm not horrendous to be around. Why is the perception to blame the soloist for being unlikeable, instead of perhaps intensely guarded? Is beyond me.

3. My life experiences greatly differs to yours. 

I have been through a hell of a lot in my life.

Maybe....... Just maybe, that has contributed to it.

4. I've always been independent and I will always love my own space.

Why do you think I will desperately latch on to you, like you are all that and then some pfft?

If anyone should be counting their blessings here.. It's you!

Whether it's a romantic entanglement or a friendship or even an acquaintanceship...

I like space to breathe and hear my own thoughts quietly. I'm not on call for you 24-7 and frankly any company drains me.

5. Why is it you think. Oh it's obvious, she won't prioritise others needs, that's why she's alone..

Ahem. Big falsehood. I will make time for others and give them what they need.

Why am I automatically labelled selfish? Did it ever occur to you, that though I strive to support others...

I do not get the same care and concern back?

6. I'm not You! You need people or have a need to be liked or surrounded or ego boosted or to be popular..

I don't feel any of that. All I want is to be accepted and seen for who I am, not who you want me to be, to fit in to your ideals.

7. You must be shy or lacking in confidence, poor thing..

Stop labelling me! I'm random in the moment. I can be nervous, confident, arrogant even.

But that's not the reason I'm not engaging. I just have no interest.

8. Did it ever, even once occur there could be a medical reason behind my reluctance to go out?

That it's an immense challenge to battle my mind and body and have to psyche myself up first, before exiting the building?

9. Very few people are worth over taxing myself for. 

When I get home, I might be dizzy or disorientated moving around to get to my room and sit down to take the weight off my tootsies..

Then it almost seems overwhelming to get back up, get some water, change and deal with whatever else needs my attention.

I've got to deal with the intense pain shooting through every part of my body and the extreme fatigue that's drowning me..

10. Listen Dollface, (I don't know why I love that name for sarcasm, it just makes me laugh).

(Back to the post)..

All the above is pretty flowery words but humans are sociable creatures.

You can't just not be a part of it. I forbid this rebellion..

You listen to me Dodo! The great point about being an individual, is that I don't have to conform.

I will decide if I want to socialise or not, on my own terms.

People have not been kind or decent or respectful. I've gotten to the point, where I wonder why I bother?

I like my walls. I like my safe space and most of all. Unlike you, with zero standards, I choose to be selective about who I let close to me.

#BlogLife1136 - Treats for my sweet (tooth)

I'm shopping for the essentials, grocery wise but if offers come up, where I'll save money anyway on a premium product..

Why not get it? I don't think I've tried Solero berry bliss, mix of ice cream and a lolly, 3x £2.75..

I think I tried an orangey version and it was a love/hate. I didn't think it was ice cream and it was on the bitter side. Hopefully this is sweeter..

Scrap that I don't think it was the Solero brand but J20. Maybe I've not tried them then...

I don't buy ice cream that often, lollies quench the thirst better but beggars can't be choosers..

It wasn't my first choice, there are limited frozen options and Iceland doesn't seem to be restocking, which is bizarre, wouldn't customers go somewhere else..?

Anyway with this crazy humidity and sun, I wanted something chilled or frozen.

It turns out there was a discount 2x £4 and the other thing was the Nando's chilli jam. I finished it already ha, so good.

The real price of that is £2.50 so the proper price is £5.25 altogether but only paying £4 so why not.

The other new thing is the Hill Biscuits mini pack, for a £1. This seems fun, if you get everything.

Apparently, 3x in every pack, who knows how tiny they are or if they taste good?

Coconut, ginger, shorties (shortbread I guess), and then custard, orange and chocolate creams.

I mean that's pretty extensive as a range. I'll try to take pictures.

Also there was a 2x pack of steak and cheese bakes for £2. It looked interesting, I prefer chicken and maybe without cheese but it's new so we'll see.

The other thing was the Majestics almond ice cream lollies 4x £2 and as a Magnum knock off, that's superb value.

I don't recall if I've tried it. It's been mainly pure lollies for years. The last thing I saw..

I don't know if it's exclusive to Iceland but I was waiting until my free hair products ran out..

Xpel argan oil conditioner £1, for a 300ml tube, that's very cheap.

I've been dying to try it out and now I can. All this is stock dependent, so unlike other stores that say, oops, not available..

With Iceland you take a risk or get another brand just in case.. Ahh now I get it..

This time Iceland's tracking said Out for delivery but the map didn't come up...

No queue number and no name. Then I got a text, having difficulties but will still deliver today..

Well it was supposed to be 8-10am and it's 9.40am but at least I was just called and at least they didn't cancel.

The representative said, the driver didn't turn up, so they've got another person to fill in and it could be another hour.

I appreciate the call. I forgot to mention that I'm struggling with the bending and would they consider, my shopping bagged?

Oh well.. As predicted around the 11am mark, Iceland showed, did apologise, which was respectful.

Considering they are short staffed. I was expecting to wait longer.

And only helped towards the end, some ouchy back twinges but the bins are out, the shopping is unpacked.

There are photos on twitter for the conditioner and biscuits. My appetite hasn't surfaced yet.

I just wrote another #Things series, which was fun. It's so funny how certain items look so fancy and you're only paying a pound.

You'd expect the biscuits and conditioner to be really pricey for the amount included.

I do love my bargains. I could have slept more :(

#BlogLife1135 - Back up

Good afternoony folks. How are you? I had a long glorious sleep last night.

I woke up late but my body needed it and my back feels so much better with the binaural beats on all day and trying to not over exert myself.

(I think I played it for 2 days straight and it was one of those... Is it working? I don't feel better..)

But obviously it was, because I don't take painkillers. I haven't used heat much, so what else could have helped?

Actually while it's early I have the blankie on low to boost the recuperation process and the fan is on too.

It's not completely healed but at least now, while I'm bending, I'm not screaming or cursing from the sharp pains..

I'm going to order groceries for tomorrow as it's over a week and I need to stock up.

Hopefully G will deliver in bags and then less straining my back but we shall see..

I've finished Asda's Face Facts cleanser... Umm I liked the orangey appearance, the fruity scent, the lightness..

But it didn't help with the breakouts. It was preventative and I still have dry patches on my face so I wouldn't buy it again.

I don't recommend it for combination skin. I think yesterday I started on the Garnier Vitamin C clarifying wash £3.50.

50p less and it foams nicely. Transparent appearance so a lil boring.

I don't think it's scented, another minus point but it is refreshing to use.

Parts of my face are still dry. I think my eye drops are the cause, it runs down my face and the sides are dry.

I'll be honest. I keep forgetting to moisturise, so I have to do that more.

I'm speculating but I think the Garnier will perform better but it's too early to say anymore.

Hopefully in a few weeks I'll remember to give an update. I'm so glad the weather is presently mild, my back is loving the heat.

I don't even want to get up for water or food but oof it's nearly 2pm, so I definitely should..

At some point, I have to pluck my brows also. It slips out of my mind, gosh they must be a fright..

#BlogLfe1134 - Is it better to hate myself or put up with hate?

If I reached out in the future, I'm not sure what I'd say to Mama. I don't want to keep being cruel, but I also can't stand dealing with her.

Maybe something like.. It wasn't all bad. I appreciate the good things you have done for me too.

But I have squashed my needs all of my life and I'm finally recognising what I can and can't live with..

I just don't want to sacrifice my happiness, just so that you won't be sad.

I can't say... Oh you make me depressed or that you're not approachable..

Or that, the truth is You have always made me feel bad. I should have communicated this clearly a long time ago..

But I feel like when you kicked me out. I was lost and then trying to find myself.

Then unearthing and trying to put everything into words, took time too.

I think if I had broached everything and you still gave this cold unfeeling response..

I would have cut contact then. I always felt like noone had my back and was on my side, so I felt alone.

I just don't have the strength to endure it and confrontations were always so hard because noone listened. Noone cared.

Being brave and finally opening up was a big deal. I've been scared all of my life, to deal with any backlash..

And the hurt of being ignored. My worst fears were confirmed. You don't want to work on our fractured relationship..

You expect me to sweep it under the carpet and forget I have needs, which I've always done, to spare you being upset.

When do I get to look after myself? When am I ever going to be the concern?

It's very freeing to stand up for myself and say. I'm tired of this crap.

I know for sure, if I contact you..... After a while, it will all go back to the same treatment...

And I don't want to be depressed anymore. I'm tired of pretending I'm strong enough to deal with you.

I'm fragile and delicate and sensitive and there's nothing wrong with that.

Luckily you have really special friends around and they will support and look out for you in my absence.

I don't have that. I have never had that because I grew up thinking.... Nobody wants to be around me.....

I'm not enough. Not slim, not pretty, not smart, not sociable...

Everything wrong with me, you were quick to point out. I have this belief, people can see inside me and laugh that there isn't any substance to me,

I run and hide before they can tell me, confirm it...

That I'm just not someone that deserves love and care and wholesomeness.

That they don't see anything good and special about me. That I'm just rotten and defective.

The lifetime of damage is done and you can't fix it.

I don't want to be hurt anymore. Not physically, not emotionally..

I want to rest my head on someone's shoulder and cry and not be punished for being weak..

But uplifted for being true to myself.

Why don't you understand that and stop making me miserable?

Think about someone, other than yourself..

I have a feeling, the longer I stay away, the more content I will be.

I don't know if it's even possible to recuperate while someone keeps inflicting pain..

This is soo strange. I thought I saw season 2 of Happy's Place but it's news to me Emmet and Bobby sorta moved forward..

Ugh I'm trying to heal my back and had the blankie on, but I'm suffocating. It's turned really hot, so the fan feels ineffective.

The humidity has gone awful. My back is still screaming every time I bend for something and I keep dropping things argh.

But I need a distraction from the pain. I did eat yesterday some pasta that was easy to heat up.

Aside from the early morning wakeups and getting back to sleep. I am rested but now I'm worried about the weekend shopping.

How on earth can I manage to bend, pack it into bags and not scream or curse?

I really am beginning to hate the drivers. Please let the back be healed, otherwise I may just skip it and I'm not sure what to do when the food runs out...

I can get takeout I guess. Let's think positively. It's only Tuesday, still a few days left.

If the temperature drops I can put the blankie on and not feel faint.

Ugh I have a uc appointment next week. That's going to be painful, getting ready.

Let's just take it one day at a time. Hmm Morrison's sent me a £10 off coupon but I have to spend £60..

The reality is spending £50ish and I've scaled back. I'm only spending £40ish now to stretch the pennies further.

It's not a good deal, considering some of us have smaller households.

#BlogLife1133 - Living for myself, no more holding back..

Oh the double socks help so much. The weather looked overcast but I didn't wear a coat,

But layered for the first time in ages. I'm glad I did, it was part blinding hot sunshine, freezing cold wind.

I was a bit warm from walking, but at least I wasn't cold. No horrid uc advisor, he didn't grill or accuse and I was not in the mood.

Not as tired as I usually am, slept off and on every 2 hours but I felt rested.

But walking back, I didn't rest, did eventually get to sit on the bus.

Slightly embarrassing... The oyster fare thingy was out of order. He was so angry, I kept trying to swipe it...

My version. I was a minute away from where the bus stopped and was leaning on the bus moving forward...

So knackered and pleading he wouldn't go... I am grateful, he waited for me.

I could barely stand so was searching for my card, trying to stay upright and he waved me on..

I thought...... He mean't catch your breath and then swipe...

I think that's happened before to me. So I got back up and tried to swipe and he was like....

Sit down..... It's not working!!! Umm well say it clearly then, instead of whispering..

If you get caught by a bus inspector, not swiping.. There is a fine to pay.

Sorry can't recall how much but there was no way I was risking that!

I tried both the mini foundations one is my shade, the other is darker, so I blended both.

Oh the new palette it came out as lighter. I'll have to watch for that and mix that so it gets darker.

Ok that was stressy. I didn't have the correct change for the takeout guy and for some reason, he couldn't break a twenty..

I said what I always do. Take it back and he was saying. Bring me the change or get it.

So I had to explain, the buses aren't running, I am disabled. If you're not happy, take the food back...

He was like I can't take the food back. I'll go and get change and return.

The one thing I did like was he gave me the food and half the money, as if to say, I'm not robbing you..

I will return and that's the guarantee. But the smug attitude, I can do without.

I won't order from them unless I have the exact amount or I'll change branches..

But I do love paying 50% less every time. I shall sip my 7up to stop my tummy feeling upset and munch away.

On to today, Monday.. I was bending a lot yesterday, to pick things up or plug things in and now my back is in excruciating pain.

I can barely move. I don't know if I can be bothered to eat today.

It's not easing up and I feel rotten, plus just started my monthly, so it's a lot to cope with.

I need new earbuds, The case is not charging them properly. I have to keep it open and keep fiddling with them.

They are blue, indicating fully charged but the battery percentage is only halfway.. Ugh.

I feel like they only charge, when the case is plugged in. I've got the binaurals on, the heated blankie on but it's hurting a lot.

This would be the day, to order sandwiches but nowhere takes cash and I don't know whether I have an appetite anyway.

I'll see how I feel about blogging this week. I just want to curl up and bed and sleep.

#BlogLife1132 - And a suitable response, would have been....?

I'm so glad the week is over. I just have to get through the uc meeting and then slowly get back to the stories.

Maybe I should treat them like the blog. I'm excited to write that. I can attempt to focus on the Christmas story every day.

At least a paragraph maybe?

I hate when I'm right. I checked my email and Mama's response was there.

I called it. She said, Sorry that she's been a bad Mama, that she didn't have the courage to discipline and kick them out.

That she does value/love me. That I'm the only one she enjoys spending time with.

And she hopes one day I'll forgive her. It makes me teary because it's empty..

It's the same speech she's always given. I wanted her to dig deeper but she's assuming an apology mends a lifetime of abuse and damage to my mental state.

This time, it just does not cut it. There is no self reflection

There is no.. The reason behind it was...

I'm sure that she does feel bad but how many times, can you just hear sorry and the disrespect continues??

I need time. I know that. She didn't address the assault or the cousins and I don't know why that bothers me.

But it does because it's once again being swept under the carpet,  like I fabricated it.

If that was me and I was responding, I would have two tabs open. The one with the sent email and the blank page to mention each and every single point raised.

So that person felt truly heard and understood and then I would add my personal input, that I respect everything you've shared.

Thats been built up over years. I'm glad you opened up, even though it really shocked me.

I just want to tell my side now. Then I will take my queues from you.

Anyway Yes I am starting to feel guilty for cutting off contact but not enough to resume it.

I matter too. I have been carrying this for years and I don't want to anymore.

We will be acquaintances but not family. I did not get what I needed.

And Yes I realise it was a lot I dumped on her but some of it, she already knew...

And sorry to say. I question if she read all of it or just cannot handle the truth?

No reaction to your only daughter being suicidal and assaulted? None.....

Does she realise how hard it was for me to talk about it? How vulnerable I felt?

The other concern is, it's my business. I'm very private, I know it's weird I have a blog but this is anonymous..

But she likes to blab and in no way, did she reassure me, she would keep it confidential.

So Yes, anger is beginning to take over. Once again, my needs are ignored.

I don't feel validated. I don't feel it's a safe space.

But since childhood, I've needed to have my say and I finally felt strong enough to do it.

I pretty much knew the reaction. I would get and it's not comfort.

I want to fall to pieces and be seen but I'll never get that from her.

She expects me to do what I've always done and forgive and forget.

No, not anymore. I am staying the child. The raw vulnerable child that was tortured and didn't have any way to stop it or speak...

You better come to terms with it fast, because the pleasing daughter, you once knew, is gone.

I am shedding light on the truth.

Now I better continue getting ready and put this to one side. It's enough for now.

My head needs a break.

I don't know why I have a fierce need to say this....

But I am not a liar, everything I've admitted was the truth. I feel as though, she's already thinking I'm exaggerating or seeking attention.

I have zero support and I am alone but for right now, it's a damn relief because I get to look after my needs that were neglected for so long....

Catering to your illusion!

Goodbye for now. I need to heal and be there for myself, because you can't or won't be my rock.

Take care but don't contact me.

Ps, Another really depressing aspect to this was just how much she supported and listened to outsiders, but not her own flesh and blood.

She is capable, she chose not too. Not to listen but to criticise instead.

#BlogLife1131 - Not preference, but reality

I had a nice chat with a random, don't ask the name. I can't remember and then 5x days later, ghosted.

I can understand when you don't mesh and it's an effort but we seemed to get along well.

But ok, if you don't want to talk. I block and accept.

I've just tried the Grill House tandoori kebabs, the long kofte ones.

It took about 20x minutes. I'd probably do it for a few minutes more.

I like the tandoori flavour but it could do with more herbs, that was the only seasoning that came through.

I still enjoyed it. Pricey. £4 for 5x kebabs.. I had intended to slice it up and put it on top of some cheesy garlic bread slices..

But as usual I was too hungry so had the garlic bread solo.

Oh by the way G finally delivered my Iceland order and he said Oh I haven't seen you in ages..

So I said Yea I've been cheating with other supermarkets, he just laughed and dropped off the bags.

I so wish I had asked the days he was working..

Ok that freaked me out. My phone rang and no number or name came up...

I ignored it and looked at the call history. It was Mama, of course.

I don't want to talk to her yet. It's weird. It's like I already blocked her but I haven't....

I wrote the above yesterday before I sent the email. If you're wondering how I am and if I regret it..?

No. This has been brewing since I was a teenager. I could not articulate any of it.

I had no voice or expression. Day by day the lil self esteem I had was chipped away.

How I felt can be summed up in this point. Imagine, wanting to speak and not knowing how?

It's such a basic thing. Late last night I blocked her on the phone.

This post summed up, me wanting to open up but it not coming out. Until I lived alone and was safe..

This post was so powerful for me to write. In 2017, the year I started blogger..

Highlighting my pain and depression. I think it was the first proper fiction piece.

I am so proud that I was able to say it. I don't know why but I love that line..

"The strands kissed my shoulders and then danced away."

I felt like I was saying to myself through the tears. Hey, this is you, finally writing, finally unearthing.

Go you. I love you so much :) I think I classified it as fiction because although it was real, it wasn't in the usual post style.

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2017/08/if-im-not-me-who-am-i.html

This other post, relives my assault. I finally faced it and when I said He/They..

I mean't my siblings who had bullied me and stole my happiness and safety and the person who committed the act, that I had to recognise happened.

In the end, it got to the point where. It had to be acknowledged. 

That was the only way, I could write it. All of it, I tried to erase but time ran out and it doesn't matter if I'm emotional, reading or writing it..

I have to try and heal.

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2022/05/bloglife266-he-he-he-they-broke-me.html

There had been no text or email. No acknowledgement, to even say..

I didn't know any of this. I do care but if space is what you need after sharing, we will talk in the future.

I have left email as her only recourse for getting in touch. If she chooses.

I think it actually finally dawned on me, when I had the courage to say it to her..

I don't need to know Why. For my health, I just finally want it to sink in..

This was my life and reality. The one you denied. Let it sink in, how vulnerable, depressed, suicidal and unsafe I felt.

Don't dismiss my childhood because it's shameful. Accept it all happened and empathise that..

Even if you felt powerless or obligated. You never once wrestled with confronting them or calling the Police to eject them.

As for my cousins who shattered my confidence.. I did tell you about that..

You said.. They probably don't mean it. You're family. You have to be close.

I admire them for how slim they are. I love how pretty they are. They are so approachable and friendly..

Why can't you emulate them?

With your son's and nieces.. Your attitude was.. You're overreacting to it.

It's not bullying. They are too sweet. It's their Mama's fault not them.

You should want to be like them and be slim. Why can't you lose weight and talk more???

Now do you get it? What I had to live with? And why I am so angry??

And why cutting her out, is not such a problem.

I care. I love her. But there's comes a time, when you think, I've been emotionally rejected and beaten by your attitude, once to often.

It's time for you to face the consequences of your words and actions.

I was broken in pieces and so fragile and only in my 30s/40s was I able to finally face you and reveal everything. 

Whether you like it, accept it or ignore it. This is me.

I have spent decades undoing the damage. Learning how to like and love myself.

That my needs matter.

That what I think is important too.

Lastly I have grown to be a beautiful, flourished, accomplished woman.

Who talks and who people listen too and admire.

I don't hate myself. I don't think I'm dumb. I'm kind to myself and others.

Sounds vastly different to the shy girl, who just wanted to be loved, respected and listened too, with care.

Im sorry you finally have to face it. But the weight is off my shoulders.

Despite you and your family trying to make me insecure and change me..

I turned out great. Never in love. Never surrounded by friends.

But you know what??

I'm true to myself. That's a kind of happiness about not living a life in denial.

Moving forwards. I don't see our relationship being evolved.

I can't see you discussing it deeply. I could be wrong..

It will be civil and friendly but empty.

I finally get to break away of the fake version of life, that you revel in.

I can breathe again and get on with life.

#BlogLife1130 - Crazy Self Therapy 11 *Updated*

If you're a new reader, I'll just explain. I'm not in therapy. I don't trust anyone to open up to them.

So for my sanity sake, I pretend to be the Doctor and patient. It's something that works for me..

Hi SS. Welcome.

Hi Doc. I want to explore something. What if I told Mama the truth and she still didn't care?

I don't want to hurt her feelings but it keeps spinning around in my head.

The reason I don't say anything, is if after she heard everything and dismissed it or said she didn't believe me..

I think that would be the final straw, to walk away permanently.

I've just been thinking how peaceful it would be to break that tether and be free.

Don't you think that's extreme? Wouldn't you regret it?

I've gotten to a point where the stress is burying me. I feel stagnant like I'm holding back or waiting for the next disaster..

I can't write. I can't concentrate. I am floating but shackled and my head keeps disappearing underwater.

Let me be the objective one then. What are the pros and cons?

Well, if I told her, that would make me feel heard and less blocked.

On the other hand, she barely listens and is quick to pretend I haven't shared something vital, because it doesn't fit her rationale.

What is your desired outcome?

What am I even expecting??? I think validation. That how I feel matters to her.

I think I want her to take responsibility for her poor decisions. That had a devastating impact on my life.

As an adult. I will take care of my wellbeing, safety and choices.

But as a child, that was not in my control.

It's not something I can get over until she owns up to her part.

Do you wish she would self reflect and not make empty statements without real confessions?

All she says is that she was a bad parent and did the best she could.

On the surface, that is a step but there is never anything added to explain why? Never!

Do you feel it's a cop out?

I actually do. I've let her get away with so much. By saying that, she relinquishes her guilt without personal growth..

That is what ticks me off. I've worked on myself and don't mind admitting my flaws and wrongdoings, why can't she?

How would you do it? In person? Over the phone? In an email or text?

I don't think I could do it in person. Too public. Probably an email or text messages.

What would you say honestly?

Dear Mama,

Only read this while you are free. Not listening to music, not on a phone call, not cooking, not in company.

Thank you.

This is really hard to say, which is why I need your undivided attention.

For the longest time I have questioned our relationship and what I am getting out of it.

I grew up in an unsafe environment, fearing each day for my life.

Being bullied and threatened, while you stood by and did nothing, or not enough to ensure my mental and physical safety.

I hated my life and my body and my personality.

The truth is, my siblings weren't the only bullies. You became one, when you fixated on my weight and personality and compared me to other bullies, who you worshipped!!

You never once made me feel I was good enough as I was.

I was so depressed, so full of self disgust, so trapped, that I tried ending it, over and over, just to get an escape.

I let men I dated say the most vile disgusting things to me, in the hopes that one day, they would care.

I went out, hoping to disappear into the world and never have to come home again.

When I was 17 years old. I was sexually assaulted. I was a virgin and all I wanted was someone to love me and accept me for who I was and who I would become.

A part of me permanently died. I realised I would never ever feel safe again in male company.

That's why I don't date.

You want to know why I didn't tell you? You would blame me, the victim.

I tried so hard to stick up for myself and face the threats of violence but I was too afraid.

You didn't protect me. You blamed me for all they did wrong.

I am 48 years old and I can never be vulnerable around anyone.

I can never let anyone close to me.

I don't trust anyone!

You taught me, who I was, wasn't appealing. I grew up believing I was unlovable.

So why am I telling you all this? Why now? Honestly, I don't know if I want a relationship with you anymore.

You don't listen. You don't respect my boundaries. You talk about them, the cousins, your sons, like they are innocent.

You tell me to get over it. I'm cold hearted. I'm stubborn....

In your eyes, I'm to blame. You see them as misunderstood.

Never once have you seen it from my point of view.

I tell you, not to mention their names or anything about them.

You gleefully praise them and admire them.

That tells me. You don't care about my needs and you sure as hell don't respect me.

Why should I revere and respect you???

Or want to talk or spend time with you?

I've stopped caring about protecting your feelings. I'm looking out for myself.

Don't you dare make anymore promises or statements, you can't keep.

My health is getting worse and worse. The only thing I've wanted is peace of mind.

With you out of my life. I'm that much closer to it.

Goodbye (for now or permanently)

It depends on how you act from now on...

Wow! That was a lot. I wasn't expecting so much brutal honesty.

If it's something you need to do..

It's not for me to say your next steps. Once you send it, there is no going back.

It's brave though, talking to a brick wall..

It might take some time to take it in. You need to be patient.

So I tweaked the ending, told her not to discuss it with anyone and said I need a break from her.

But it's emailed. My phone's off and I need silence.