Waves goodbye

I gave hints and warnings and waited for you to open your eyes but you wanted to stay small and not grow and tonight/yesterday was the icing on the cake. 

Making statements and pouting and not really saying anything of significance and then running away because you're too cowardly to face me.

*Shoves you out the door, don't come back*

I kept my cool and I thought that you would appreciate that as I usually just lose it and things get tense and confrontational but I suspect I knew you weren't going to change and I was fed up caring so I was waiting for the final showdown. 

Except there was nothing but silence as you refused to talk and I got bored and left.

I am partially similar to you, but when I truly get close to someone I relax and give a little more of myself but you just give nothing but the surface and it has been months, maybe even longer, so I am not asking too much of you.

You care more about me than I do of you. I know that because you were always so certain we would never quarrel and be friends for life but I'm a realist and I kept having to explain to you that my friendships are short. I may demand a lot but I also give a great deal too.

You are stuck in a resentment loop where you just project the hurt and anger on to me but in reality on one or more of our chats you should have thought about what I was saying and even given me an explanation as to why you remain closed off.

When you look back and possibly decide to get in touch, know that it is too little to late and you should have grown a pair and faced the issue. 

None of it is easy but I did it and I am notoriously quiet with a hellish past. You think going into the harrowing details was easy for me? 

No it wasn't but I did because I felt safe and comfortable and I hoped that you would trust me someday and do the same.

Time's up though. I am no longer interested in what is going through your head. You can keep deflecting the questions directed at you but sooner or later you will lose your identity for good.

*23/1/17*

I had to open up past emails as reference to your address as I couldn't even remember yours. I was so used to hitting reply but you messaged me with empty words and nothing deeper once more so it will be relegated to the trash. 

You say that you still see us as friends and hope in the future we will talk again but don't go into details about what you're hiding and why you have never shared anything so enjoy the shallow friendships you have ahead of you, you've lost mine permanently.

Twas never meant to be.

Close yet divided

I grew up wanting a sister. I saw so many people that had loving sisters and that bond was something that I craved, someone to confide in and be myself around but it was not meant to be.

It must have been a family party where you and I first met and we just seemed to click, both shy and awkward and not really fitting in with the others we just hung out, laughed and forgot all about the utter fascade that surrounded us.

We spent time together and grew closer, we really did bond and were so alike in the way we thought and our principles. I remember the time fondly but all good things come to an end eventually. 

I didn't really understand my feelings and why I reacted the way I did until many many years later and even later than that I confided in my mum the real reason I walked away from you.

I started to feel a little bitter about always being the one to initiate contact with you and then during one of our long legendary chats you turned on me and I just never saw you in the same light again.

Why were you suddenly above me? Why was your life, your emotions superior to mine? I know that you were going through a breakup and not once did I ever say to you, ok you're boring me now or can we change the subject. 

I patiently listened to you talk but I had stuff going on with me as well.

Why couldn't you have said sorry for going on, what's happening with you? Instead you just silenced me in the most hurtful way and carried on talking. It changed everything between us.

You just triggered up all my insecurities, how I had always felt small and insignificant and that nobody cared about what I had to say. 

I get it, you were hurting but I had always been supportive of you, we boosted each other and yet now you just wanted to wallow and hear your own voice.

My issues may not have been as fraught as yours but they were important to me. I couldn't go backwards anymore, that quiet girl who looked on without a voice. 

The hurt that bubbled up to the surface each time an insult was hurled my way.

You knew about my home life, you knew how hard I struggled to find my voice and express myself and yet you were unfeeling and unapologetic. You lost me that day and I lost a friendship that I loved and cherished.

I know you didn't understand why I cut you out of my life and was so hostile towards you and if I had known that you triggered the painful memories of my past. 

I would have explained it better but back then all I knew was that you just cared about yourself and yet another person that I once held in high esteem, didn't think I was worthwhile to listen to.

The past is the past but for some time after that I did shut down again. 

I felt sad and alone and started to believe all those people that said I was a nobody but I learnt how to channel my emotions and I was able to cope again.

An abundance of betrayals, lies and indifference. Is it any wonder why I turned out prickly.

I am your equal. You are not better than me. There was just no excuse for your behaviour. 

This wasn't the first time you hogged the conversation but it was the first time you had that outburst and wouldn't let me share.

Have a nice life. I just don't want to be any part of it.