#BookLife8 - Scratchy

Chapter 1 - Her name was Scratchy

Today was a tough day. I needed someone to talk too, even though I'm not a sharer. I sat on the windowsill looking out as I often did, trying to switch my brain off and stare into the void of nothingness.

I felt something rough brush against my sleeve. "Ouch." Suddenly you appeared outside the window floating looking at me smiling with a silly grin.

Your only words ever spoken to me were.. "Hi I'm Scratchy."

Your eyes stared at me intensely and for absolutely no reason you fell about laughing, it was soo infectious I started giggling too.

You held your paw against the window pane and urged me to do the same as though we were connected.

I did and then you gestered me for to talk as you curled up cosily encouraging me. I couldn't though it was too soon.

So you started pulling funny faces and we both chuckled at the absurdity.

You then held both paws out wide as though you were hugging me, saying It's alright, feel this way or that, it doesn't bother me at all. 

I see you, I accept you and whatever happens food will always be our favourite subject.

I'll purr you later..

 Chapter 2 - Her name was ScrabbleBrain

I headed back to my bedroom window in the morning searching for my new pal Scratchy, she wasn't there and with a heavy heart I sat down to wait.

I closed my eyes tightly trying to wish her into existence and a few seconds later there she was grinning at me, tilting her head to one side.

Tapping her paw to ask where have you been, I've been waiting.

I felt so light just seeing her smiling back at me. "I'm sorry I've been unwell so pretty much resting up."

She looked at me and drew a heart on the window and touched her own and I knew what she was saying.

She feels for me. She cares. I didn't respond. I wanted too but I couldn't.

Any sort of affection, kindness or true friendship was alien to me, it didn't feel right. I was suspicious.

I looked down and bit my lip. How do I respond? She didn't tap but glided her hand along the window drawing an even bigger heart.

I looked up saw it and pressed the side of my body to the window and she did the same.

Our hands found each other and we were connected again.

I began to whisper unsure of who was listening. "I did it you know, I told Mama I need a break."

"She probably thinks I'm being selfish or doing this to hurt her but the truth is....."

"Actually the truth is, my family were the first ones to break my heart and I've never trusted anyone since."

She nodded sadly, broke her paw away from the glass and waved Goodbye.

She turned before disappearing and tapped her paw. 

She was saying Don't be late next time.

She was saying she'll listen again.. 

She was saying I'm not abandoning you..

I took comfort in that and walked off.

Chapter 3 - Her name was No-One

I'm looking out at the peaceful garden and the ripe cherry trees, there is a stillness without any wind blowing rustling the leaves.

I'm staring so hard I don't even see your arrival. I'm taken aback when I see frantic paw waving to get my attention.

I smile apologetically. "Sorry miles away." I ask how she is, she smiles and shrugs nonchalantly as if to say, it's not important, I'm here for you only.

I'm a lil uncomfy with that. I'm not used to opening up but maybe it will get easier. I look down at my hands pausing, How much do I share?

It's almost as if I had to remind myself to be cautious. Knowledge is power to be used against me.

I half smile, well today was a lil better. I did want a lot more sleep. I find when I'm extra ill, as in short and longterm, rest heals me quicker but because I had so much to do, I couldn't relax.

As usual there was a pressure to meet other people's deadlines and ignore my health.

But I did make a pressing call and actually she was understanding about it. I felt a lot of relief, it was weighing on my mind and I expected a nasty attitude.

I snapped my head up suddenly realising I wasn't meeting your eyes and the thought occurred to me, whether or not you were actually listening.

It was as if you saw through me. You nodded and touched the glass again and I did too. You did hear me after all.

I felt relieved enough to carry on. After that went smoothly it spurred me on to do something else and that was it. That was all I could manage because every breath ended in a cough.

Tomorrow is another day and more things will get done, even though the tiredness is draining me as is the heatwave.

I looked at you realising I wanted something back in return, this had to be equal. Almost instantly I could hear your thoughts, it was so powerful I had to hold on to the wall.

You were saying I hear you, 

I understand you,

You're doing well.

Keep going,

I got your back,

I'm proud of you.

I shook my head unsure why I was angry. These were very pretty, very flowery words but I still felt empty as though I hadn't earned them. Earned the right to be praised..

I broke my hand away from yours severing the connection and instead drew a broken heart.

Words can hurt, words can heal but sometimes words aren't enough.

You looked at me sadly, tears were falling but they weren't my tears or sadness. I was devoid of emotion.

You tried again to reach out your paw and offer me friendship, comfort and loyalty but it still didn't feel quite right anymore.

I looked at Scratchy and said "Sometimes no matter how much you want to help, you can't make it better. Thanks anyway."

With that I turned my back and you vanished.

Chapter 4 - Her name was Sneezy

I sheepishly looked out the window but this time you had your back turned to me. "Scratchy um.." I saw your paw angrily stick up, I can see you were hurt.

I sighed. "This would be a lot easier if you talked. I'm not a mindreader. I would actually like to get to know you too."

"Me talking all the time, doesn't make me feel close to you and if we are going to bond, we should do it properly."

You turned slowly, still clearly disturbed wiping a tear away with your paw. "Why didn't you just say so? I'm not a mindreader either."

"I didn't realise you wanted me to open up also. I figured you wanted to be the centre of attention."

I scoffed scornfully. "Was that a dig? You know I'm uncomfortable in the spotlight."

"I just mean you looked troubled and I was happy to listen." I shook my head. "Look Scratchy, yesterday wasn't personal, I keep people at a distance for my own peace of mind."

" You have to be patient until I trust you." Scratchy pondered on this and nodded. "Ok, I will do that but don't shut me out."

"I'll tell you about me then. I was always lurking at the window watching your life unfold, seeing the good times and the bad but you never noticed me, which means you never needed me until now."

"I wanted to comfort and support you all those times you were afraid and alone. I wanted you to turn to me. I wanted us to laugh together but you weren't ready to accept me as part of your life."

"I don't know what's changed but here I am and you can ask me anything."

I was not entirely surprised, I sensed a presence but my main focus was on looking internally and trying to survive.

I couldn't help but return to my suspicious ways. "Why are you here?"

"I sense you don't need but want someone on your side."

I begrudgingly nodded. "I didn't ask for you or look for you but maybe you're right. Today was tough. Everything was taxing and seemed like it would never end."

"The more I do, the more the list grows. However I did it all, postponed my appointment, waited for the backlash, none yet, probably tomorrow but that felt good putting my needs first."

"I want to rush through and finish everything but I realise I have to get better first. There is time. I can't push myself more than I have been."

Scratchy looked at me fiercely. "You may not always like what I have to say but it's said with love. There's nothing wrong with slowing down, being vulnerable, opening up or leaning on someone else for strength."

"I know you hate it but it won't always end up with you being cut to shreds."

I shook my head in disbelief. "How do you know?"

This time Scratchy smiled. "I know because you did it before, a long time ago. This isn't the first time we've met."

"We were close friends but then you sorta disappeared from view. It's as though I couldn't reach you. I decided to stick around so if you ever sought me out, I would still be here for you."

I waved Goodbye and wondered if this was the reason I felt close to her.

Chapter 5 - Her name was Burnout

"Hi Scratchy how was your day? You spent the day chasing your own fluffy tail and frolicking in the garden? That sounds nice.

"Mine wasn't as lighthearted. I thought I was going to have a tense meeting that turned out straightforward and short."

"I thought doing something else was simpler but that turned out to be really hectic. I feel like this fluey thing is trying to wear me down and beat me."

"I like knowing I've done today's tasks but I felt so tired and empty. I got it all done and my body and brain was screaming for a break."

"I realised for once I put my needs above others and not only said Please help with this, but also No I'm not doing anymore today."

"That was huge for me. I just feel obligated to do what I perceive is the right thing and constantly focusing on something important instead of slacking off."

"And to be honest, taking care of myself is too self indulgent for me. I can neglect my needs particularly if there is a lot to do."

Scratchy shook her head sadly. "This is why you're sometimes prickly and unapproachable. You push yourself too hard and snap."

I nodded unable to argue. "My cough does seem worse. I had hoped to slow down, it is the weekend soon but I've more stuff to do tomorrow and for the next couple of months."

Scratchy beckoned me closer. "I think it's time you open the window. Let's hangout properly."

I grimaced. "I'm sorry Scratchy. I'm not ready for that yet, it's too soon and I don't trust you fully. I worry about ulterior motives and letting my guard down."

Scratchy gave me a strange look. "Are you sure?"

I didn't like this confrontational side of her. It was too much. "I have to get going, thanks for your company."

I briefly waved farewell and hurried away. I cannot let her in. I just can't.

Chapter 6 - Her name was Guilty

Scratchy was excitedly jumping up and down on the ledge. I had never seen her like this before. She waved as soon as she saw me.

"Look, look. What's different about me?" She was twirling and laughing and I envied her so much. How nice not to have to worry.

I fake smiled pretending I was in a good mood. She was gleaming as though she just had a makeover. "Umm.. You tinted your fur?"

She laughed and shook her head. "You're so silly. No I got pampered at the pet salon. Shampoo, wash, set, massage."

She leaned in closer, looking left and right. "They even asked if I wanted fake fur extensions. I mean purleaseeee. I'm 100% natural."

My eyes widened in disbelief. "They should know you better than that." She nodded. "How did your day go? Are you feeling any better?"

"I'm trying to hide the truth from you but to be honest. I don't feel any healthier. It was busy and I just wanted to lie down."

"But I did what I set out too and took a chat. I feel guilty about letting people queueing down but after that chat I was done."

"Sorry to those that were waiting, it's not personal and I hate letting you down but I have even less energy now."

"Do you remember the picnics we used to have in the garden with fruits and sandwiches and cakes? We would lay out on a purple rug looking up at sky talking about the future?"

"I'm sorry Scratchy it just doesn't ring a bell." I felt bad all Scratchy wanted to was reconnect and all I wanted was to forget the past.

"Talk soon Scratch." 

Suddenly I had a flashback, it was me and Scratchy, we were making up stories somewhere, drawing, painting and laughing but I didn't recognise where. Am I making this up?

#Bloglife769 - Love to L/Evil rationale

I offered to call L on discord and elaborate a bit more on the situation and on most if not all sites, I usually block the webcam and microphone options but I completely forgot about that.

So I missed her call and tried to return it but it said the mic is disabled, go to chrome settings to switch it and it was under security and site, I then just changed it to allow.

And boom but before all that, I just said I would use the mobile instead as all it asked was permission to use the mic, I clicked ok and the call was just instant.

She was clear, I was understood and we just talked for an hour, I was literally laughing and crying.

She is the best person, totally sweet and she definitely did make me feel less hopeless.

Like all is not lost. I appreciate that and her. I actually am hungry so I'm cooking some garlic bread, plain and hmm, either I'll pair it with some cod or maybe wings.

I think cod because, I enjoy that and at the moment, going off beef.

Those Gullon crackers things are sooo yummy, I bought 2 tubs, only because they are a £1 each and I can use it to feel my hunger pangs as it's a big tub.

It's actually a really bright and sunny day today, maybe that's a positive sign?

Oh yea I have flavoured ice poles, it's been too cold to eat them, but today is the right temperature.

I sometimes forget, that not everyone in this world is horrible. Today is a nice reminder of that.

I'm going to eat, watch Oh yea, the second season of Found is back, I started watching it and then got chatting to L.

Wanna watch it with me? That first new episode was great, whereas the second episode of High Potential seemed a bit slow.

I talked to Mama and she apologised for basically putting me into this spot.

Which I dismissed as I don't fully blame her, that's her son and she's unable to cut ties, but his influence on my life is devastating and continues to haunt me.

That part aggravates me because I repeatedly tell her, not to mention both of their names and any information regarding them.

But it's almost as though she does it on purpose, so that maybe I can sympathise with them?

I have no idea still, how both of them have a more elevated status to her, than I do???

I don't care about money, but an example of what I'm talking about, is that she gave them both an early inheritance and didn't leave me anything but will set aside the remainder of her savings.

I have never wanted anything from her, except to be treated as an equal.

So she said, Oh don't worry, he got his karma, because he was scammed out of money, from a housing investment.

And I thought, why are you telling me this? Do you expect me to pity him?

Do you think that makes it acceptable, what he has done to me? Are we even now? Is that how malice works?

Because he's suffering, somehow it's fine what he did to me, on purpose??

Getting me in trouble with the law and having all my savings taken and making me worry about not being able to survive financially or emotionally?

I didn't say anything of the above to her, I'm not intending to hurt her feelings but between you and me, I am angry.

I still feel like she gives them a free pass to treat me like crap and she's been doing that all my life and that's not alright.

It's as though she wants me to remain a doormat, that's how it feels, to constantly forgive them, or make her conscience clear.

I have no idea but like I said before as long as they are around, I fear for my life and sanity.

I know they will both always find ways to hurt me. They don't reside anywhere near me but their reach seems to extend to my mind.

The same as my entire childhood, I feel trapped and like there is no escape ever.

I continue to teeter on the edge. Sorry I just can't be perky at the moment.

I need to continue airing these feelings out, while I have access to my laptop.

My problem with her is that, although she didn't raise monsters, she taught us to respect others and be upstanding people.

She seems to brush all their wrongdoings under the carpet, but mine, she gloatily highlights them and knocks my confidence.

Oh and the icing on the cake, was when she said, Hmpff, well if he ever expects you to speak to him again, that will be his tough luck.

Excuseeeeee me?????? He's out to destroy my life and you think I have ever wanted anything to do with him?

You think even if he didn't do this, I would be buddy buddy with him????

Alright, admittedly, selfishly, I would prefer she cut him out of her life too, I wouldn't ask her or expect her to do that.

But at least I would feel a lil freer, than I do now. After all this is over and if by some lucky stroke, the damage isn't too bad..

I don't know how I'll feel about blogging/talking. I may just take a break from it.

Blogging is my necessity but I'm feeling emptier and emptier. I will see how it goes, I'm not positive or negative, just realistic.

Oh I think officially, both the housing benefit and JSA have stopped so if Universal Credit rejects my claim..

Plus I have to pay a fine. I can pay one or two more rent payments and then I'm broke.

I have an appointment on Friday and maybe I'll know more about my claim. Plus the letter would or should also arrive by then.

I can do the bank/paypal statements and send them off. My stomach is back to lurching but that could also be cramps.

#BlogLife225 - In love with love but not with you

I think because I always had such a creative mind, as speaking and expressing myself wasn't an option I was always romanticising scenarios.

I thought life would be this huge dramatic soap opera or film. It all seemed plausible when I was a lil girl, that you could have a bunch of friends and it would be equal.

Or that you could date and it would be a romantic adventure, not creepy, not scary but a respectful union between me and some hunky slab of beefcake..

Even though it took me a long time to start dating and get noticed by the opposite sex. I was still hopeful that it would work out in the end.

Perhaps I should have been more realistic and that way I would have had low expectations and been pleasantly surprised if it did turn out well.

I just feel like I attracted men that knew I wanted something meaningful and I was not that confident at all, so they tapped into it..

Lied and told me what I wanted to hear at the start to fool me and then their true colours came out and I blamed myself for not picking up on this pretend magic show.

Why didn't I see that they were just faking being nice? I have to cut myself slack because I'm not a mind reader. 

Only time reveals someone's true nature. After talking with the latest J. I came to the conclusion that I don't really want to fall in love.

I want (but don't need), some genuine friendships, with him, there was mixed signals and a bad parting. 

It lacked any warmth or good feelings and when he said "You talked a lot." That was a revealing rude eye opener.

I feel like he said that specifically because I wasn't interested in anything romantic. He seems to think he could coerce me into something else but I don't play games.

I just mention upfront that I'm not looking for a lovey dovey connection just companionship and he seemed to switch from being warm and attentive to aloof and a tad snarky.

The one good thing about being mistreated a lot is that you know the signs and language to look for and can recognise it and avoid getting too deeply involved. (Hopefully).

If you're wondering why I shared some of my health issues. I was already in pain and needed to sit down.

He wanted to go somewhere further and I just needed to rest up and get a drink, that's why I said I need somewhere nearby because I'm not doing so good and the reason why is.... I gave the most basic explanation with no real information.

That was a huge flashing red sign, that he was somewhat going through the motions and wasn't invested in my truths.

I was still censoring half of my life story but if someone isn't even interested in the basics, then why would I want to hang out with them??

I would rather someone say. "Thanks for opening up, that's probably difficult. I appreciate you sharing."

That's what I'm looking for. Not another person trying to tell me to be quiet and know my place. Screw that!!

My friendships with females have been rocky. It just always seems offbalance.

As though they respect themselves but not me. What I want, doesn't seem to get a look in, it's just their wants and needs and happiness.

The males just see me as this sexual plaything. I don't give out signals. I don't flirt but still, it's touching the leg, groping my chest, pinching my butt.....

How is that platonic friendship?? I guess the only safe place I have found to be friends with guys and gals is online.

It's easier for me to be detached and cold, when I'm not feeling respected back. I can just end it and not feel any regrets.

In person I just put up with it and let the resentment grow and just feel smaller and insignificant.

#BlogLife190 - Be someone else (crazy self therapy 6)

I'm lounging here finally realising that as well as plugging in the electric blankie, I need to switch it on too.

I am finally de-thawing as it is heating up and wearing two blankets helps, one heated, one non, are better than none.

I'm trying to wrap up the foodie short story I was hoping to have concluded before Christmas but my brain is spiralling.

This was the wrong time to buy cold breakfasty stuff like yoghurt. I'm not quite back to having a bit appetite. Just nibbling bits and pieces.

Currently that oaty nutty cereal. Anyway my mind is just randomly connecting thoughts and I realised that my confidence identity crisis has stemmed from people wanting me to be someone else.

Hardly anyone has ever said and mean't it or acted like they wanted me to be myself and stay that way.

It was always, act like your cousins, act like your friends, act like your siblings.

I think that is why I punish myself and am self critical. Noone else was accepting me so I figured. Hey I must be a bad person and must need to alter myself to be normal.

People around me continue to treat me the same, as though I am a burden and easily dismissable.

Pretty impossible not to take that personally and think, meh it's just them, that is their opinion.

I just wanted a piece of someone's time, never all of it. Yet people talk over me and are "busy."

Yet they have sufficient spots for other people. I have had multiple types of friendships.

1. Timewasters - Some purposefully seek me out and then drag the conversation down 24-7 or lie continuously for no reason.

2. Control freaks - I want to go here, I want to do that. I want to call the shots. I dictate the topics.

3. Apathetic - A one way friendship. They don't want to communicate but expect me to be warm and fuzzy while I'm chasing them trying to maintain this nonexistent relationship.

4. Spiteful - Whether knowingly or unknowingly. They have made a lifetime habit of lil digs at me. Hmm clutzy much? Wait a good looking guy, fancies you??????

5. Good at first, then fizzles - These were more wholesome. It was more equal. At first we both made the effort and put time into it and then it was just me and my patience only lasts so long before I figure.......

What the hell is the point??

I'm trying to keep going and embrace all the odd parts of me and I say odd affectionately because being quirky is part of me.

I'm not trying to be perfect and be like everyone else. I'm carving my own path forwards and stumbling and getting back on my feet.

It would be nice if one of my stories or posts could be the one that get's me more noticed or more engagements but I'm not after notoriety.

I think it would just be satisfying to write something that could reach people in a way that is unique to me.

I like all my fiction but the latest one on the blog at least, not on wattpad is my favourite one to date.

I just don't know how to bring it all together and then end it. I'm really trying to keep them short and fun but I want to develop it a lil bit so there is a bit of substance there.

I'm on chapter 15 of Lethal Curves Ahead and I can't wait to skip ahead to other storylines I have in my head.

I'm just trying to create some sort of love triangle, as per usual. You know me, I hate where there is only a solo hero. There always needs to be two candidates to make it less predictable.

The last time I published a chapter was November. Eeek, that's bad right??!!

At least I managed to finish it yesterday. I don't feel so clouded anymore, even with this freezing cold weather.

It's just past 9am and I hope the repair guy turns up soon. Would be nice if it is the same one I am used to dealing with but we shall see.

I'm hoping it is just the usual problem and not anything more serious. He already mentioned a backlog for spare parts which has me panicking slightly.

This week was difficult to get through as it is. I wish I could walk around in the furry fleecey heated blankie but I would probably trip over the plug :D

I hope you all have a fun, chilled or action packed weekend, depending on your interests.

I'll see you back, hopefully Monday :)

#BlogLife142 - Comfort for a sick friend (fiction)

Hey just stopping by to say Hi. Dang have you still got a pulse? You look lifeless. 

Are you hungover, poorly, recently dumped? An amnesiac that's forgotten how to dress?

Okay, alright I'll stop joking.,... Our mutual friends called me and said you sounded bad, weepy, pathetic, whiny- Put the shovel down!!

I'm not really worth murdering! Let's get you comfy on the sofa with a blankie. No you can't go back to bed, you'll just feel worse.

Yes I do know what's best and no I'm not an egomaniac. I just happen to always be correct. Wow not even a giggle huh? Why is a sense of humour the first thing to go, when you're down?

Let's draw the curtains, let the sunshine in and open up some windows. Breathe in the fresh air. Get back here, right now! I am not going to let you wallow!

Have you eaten today? No I don't mean a packet of crisps. I mean an actual full meal? You haven't done the shopping yet? 

Hmm I will see if there are scraps around and then I'll order in or will do a shop for you. No need for thanks, you haven't seen my bill yet.

Wow still nothing? No smile even? Tough crowd. Let me get you a drink to start with. Do you miss the sound of a whistling kettle?

I don't know if I do, at least it was clearly signifying you it was boiled. Alright, here you go, a nice steaming cup of coffee. Strong, accompanied by a splash of milk and three sugars.

Fine two and a half? No I won't tell a soul you go overboard... I put some viscounts on the table and I spotted the only edible thing left.

A baguette so I am toasting that and will apply garlic butter, cheese, cucumbers and turkey bacon to it. Are you drooling? I swear there was a hint of a smile..

Look at that, it's all done and I even sliced it up into two halves for you but I draw the line at feeding you. That lame joke, you giggled at??

Strange person but whatever floats your boat dearie. Now go shower and get dressed, we are going for a walk and damn right I'll be out here.

I'm not you're caretaker or nursemaid, just your close friend that cares and worries about you. Bring it in, time for that hug but if you give me your germs, I'll throttle you.

I know I know, you aren't actually ill, just feeling down?! Come on now, dry those tears and get ready. It's going to work out, you'll see.

We all need a helping hand every now and then. Ready to go? I've booked an online grocery order for tonight and I'll be back to help you unpack later.

Now let's head out, I am taking you for a scalp massage, manicure, pedicure and shopping for some cute outfits. I know, I realise, the mood you are in is difficult to shake.

I understand that thing is on your mind and I am not saying to forget it, just put it on pause and we will discuss it in depth later.

Yes I know you're grateful to have a friend like me, selfish to the core, giving up my time, my randoms, my writing to cater to your needs...

Hah. Ok I'll be serious. You realise, that is what good friends do though? They are present, when you need them and even when you don't.

It's not about asking, it's about them knowing you, well enough that you are not dealing with situations and need support. Even if it is just company.

Yes, you can put your arm in mine and lean on my shoulder. I will help you get back on your feet. I will show you how tough you are and I will never let you down.

You look much better after today's pampering session. I agree it was fun for both of us. We should do it regularly. I'll see you tonight and remember..

Even though it feels like you don't have anyone by your side, you'll always have me nearby and we are in this fight together. 

We will overcome any adversity. It's not you against the world, it's both of us.

Take care and see you soon :)

#BlogLife139 - I just called to say.... (fiction)

Hey, how are you doing? I know its been a while right? Sorry life is just super busy at the moment.

Wow. I can't believe how long it's been. I was just thinking of you and you called. Everything is mostly fine you know. 

Just some aches here and there and stress. Same ol same ol. Nothing changes that much to be fair. What's new with you? How have you been? 

Sorry to hear about the pains but you sound in good spirits. I'm good too just trying to get more organised and fit more into my days. 

You know I love to keep busy right but please do forgive me for not getting back to you right away. I just get distracted easily.

Anyway I was wondering if you needed anything or wanted anything? I know I know, you're independent and can manage but sometimes, you can just ask.

It's not a burden, it's friendship.

Hah! You are so right. Okay you can stop the gloating. I'm sure I have said that many times prior to this moment. I really do appreciate you asking.

Not many do. However I seem to manage just fine and anything else just doesn't seem like a priority. It feels like if I can't quite get it/do it.

Then it's unnecessary for me to have or I will just find an alternative route. Either way it's doable if important and if it isn't then I guess I am not to fussed.

To be honest maybe you like to feel needed and relied upon, maybe that is your way of giving back and showing love but to me, no offence.

I don't wait for the opportunity to step in when there is a crisis. I just volunteer my services continually and be there in whatever capacity is needed.

I'm not saying you're only there for the bad times. I think you should just get rid of your hero complex because the only thing I need is your presence around.

That is the biggest, well only gift that is precious to me. Everything else I need to sort it out for myself. That is how I maintain my strength.

*Puts my arms around you for a tight bear hug* 

You are a kind hearted person. You know that. Just try to be there for the lil moments as well as the big ones.

Plus don't try to fix everything, some things/people are not broken. They are just fractured and don't need help as such. They need an ear, some support and for someone to be there.

Ha time permitting, of course of course ;)

#BlogLife27 - What do people see when they look at you?

I had this friend that I knew and our families got on well together. I thought that I wanted to be popular and have a lot of platonic male friends.

I didn't realise that very few men are capable of a platonic friendship with a female. I don't know if it's a respect thing or it's an I'm-so-in-awe-of-you I won't try it on.

But friends of mine managed to have guys in their lives that didn't cross the line. I rarely did. I was typically inappropriately grabbed or told something gross.

I was always upfront. I repeated it continuously. My view is friends are non physically intimate. I was purely after a friendship, nothing more.

Anything else can be touchy-feely. Anyway this mate of mine was always clowning around and making himself out to be the greatest guy in the world.

I saw past it because when he wasn't in crowds, he was a completely different person. He was sweet, kind and considerate.

My friends didn't like him though because they only saw that arrogant side, he showed to them. In fact his ego almost cost us our friendship.

I had always defended him, saying you have to look underneath, he has real substance. I started calling him every week, not because of a crush.

I never saw him in a romantic light, he was just a good pal. Maybe I just wanted to see a good guy up close. I didn't really have anyone like that around me.

Could that be why I tried so hard to maintain a constant bond? Out of the blue I got a message from his girlfriend stating.. Stay away from my boyfriend or else.

I didn't really understand it. Thinking back though, with the calls and the card that I gave him with the message.... Thank goodness for your eyes and ears..

She got the wrong impression. I wrote that because him and his brother were one of the few people I had opened up too and they had actually paid attention and not shut me down.

I am no homewrecker so I promptly called him up but he wasn't around so I just had the most awkward conversation with his papa.

Hahaha!! I said could you please pass on the message, that I will be leaving him in peace from now on and my intention was not to cause trouble.

I can't stop laughing because his papa, took my side and was livid with his son, apologising for his son's behaviour and stating he would make his son fix whatever it was.

I kept telling him there was no need but he insisted and I quickly mumbled a goodbye, relieved it was over. My ex-friend called me up and asked to meet.

He wouldn't take no for an answer, so reluctantly I agreed and we had a really frank discussion. He had wrongly assumed I had a huge crush on him.

I had to correct him and say that I even went so far as to avoid making an effort in my appearance so that he would know I wasn't ever holding a torch for him.

He made the colossal mistake of throwing my name in his girlfriend's face whenever they fought. Stating that at least....wants me..

I could have killed him!! No wonder he girlfriend despised me. I couldn't blame her, after what he confessed. Eventually it was all sorted out and I backed off somewhat.

We were still friends but I respect boundaries and if my friendship, made his girlfriend insecure. I wasn't about to make it worse.

I still cared about him and sure he made an error in judgement but he was still a great guy.

I don't know why I ended up reminiscing. I didn't need to be surrounded, all I really required was genuine, respectful buddies.

I have a lot of vanity and I do take a lot of opportunities to broadcast my abilities but it is just my armour. The more mud that gets slung my way, the more of an egotistical brat I'll become :D

I'm thinking I give off many first impressions..

Stand-offish

Sarcastic

Unapproachable

Giggly

Jokester

Direct

Pessimistic

Awkward

Clumsy

Death-stare is my favourite one. That means steer clear, keep walking, avoid eye contact. Do not get close. This is not a drill people. 

It all depends on my frame of mind.

#BlogLife26 - Weight conscious Update

I've just discovered a show called This Is Us. I gravitate towards characters and shows that deal with weight issues because I can understand the difficulties they face.

Some of the others shows I've seen in this field would be, Fat Friends, Mike and Molly and My Big Fat Mad Diary. This gave me pause for thought when he said...

"I used to be like you. Tried to lose the weight. You know what I finally figured out? It's a hell of a lot easier to accept who you are, in all your damaged glory."

"Than to be someone you are not."

I interpret it in two ways. Come to terms with being a weight challenged person and deal with the fact that you will always be this way, so why bother making the effort to change?

Secondly. Instead of hating on yourself and thinking that everything will become magically transformed once you drop the extra stones or pounds.

Start by finding things to like about yourself. Don't say..

As soon as I get lighter, love will appear...

As soon as I get fitter, I'll be more confident..

As soon as I Iose those extra pounds, I'll update my wardrobe..

You can't put your life on hold waiting for everything to be perfect. You have to work on yourself now so that when or if you manage to be slender.

You have the right frame of mind, to actually enjoy it. To pull off wearing tailored outfits that aren't baggy. That do show your figure off.

Then you have to deal with all that attention you now get. It sounds thrilling. For the first couple of seconds it is but it soon gets overwhelming and it will challenge that lil bit of courage that you have built up.

My wardrobe as the weight piled on, was so drab. Black everywhere so that I wouldn't stand out and the extra curves wouldn't either.

It was so dull. I kept promising myself that, once I got into a regular workout routine and went down some clothing sizes. I would splash out and invite colour back.

Over time I just missed wearing exciting clothes. They no longer had to be revealing. Hell they just needed to be cute. Reds, blues and purples I used to like.

Little by little. I shopped around and instead of going for black shades, I opted for darker blues, purples, reds and even greens.

Long sleeves and long tops that were probably meant as dresses but I themed them with skirts or trousers and it all worked.

I got bolder and started shopping for lighter colours. I still feel all eyes are on me, for the wrong reason but I look adorable!! I choose specific things to flatter me and it does.

I'm going to finish by saying.. You are a gorgeous warrior and I hope we can both keep an active routine but don't stop there. 

Work at your thought patterns and improve all of you, not just the bit that shows outwardly.

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2020/07/you-are-not-alone-2.html

I forgot to add that, another bit of the show made me stop and think and that was the conversation between mama and daughter.

The daughter considers gastric bypass as a last resort as the weight is not shedding fast enough. The mama turns and says.....

Did I do this to you? The daughter replies as she is crying, I don't know.

It made me consider, when I was growing up. I liked snacking and I didn't see myself as overweight or having a problem.

My parents did and the more they commented to say..

You're being greedy

Do you really need that?

What is wrong with you? Do you have worms?

You're going to get fat

You're going to struggle to lose weight

Look how nice so and so looks, don't you want to be like them? Look like them?

Etc etc is the more I began to obsess about my figure and stop thinking that I had a healthy appetite and instead view food as the enemy that I no longer wanted to eat.

If you know someone with this predicament. Be encouraging towards them, instead of being damaging!

#BlogLife25 - Why are you so anti-social?

I heard this question from my parents quite often as I grew up. The other two made friends easily and just seemed to adapt to being surrounded by known and unknown people.

I didn't. I guess being told to hush for half my life, erased all my social etiquette. The few times I did speak, I made my voice as soft as possible.

I didn't even realise I did that. I didn't want to embarrass myself or my family so if people couldn't hear me all the better. I grew up being made to believe that I had nothing significant to offer.

I took it to heart. I people-pleased and resented it. I turned snarky and hated myself and then I became aware of who I was then and who I wanted to be in the future.

There was so much criticism at home that when outsiders did it. I couldn't handle it. I wondered what was wrong with me? Surely I must be doing something wrong to attract hate, right?

It was my looks? Or was it my voice? Or maybe my height? My weight? The way I acted? The fact that I was too sensitive?

I wasn't an intellectual? I mean why else would people continually zero in on my insecurities? Some people knew about them..

Others didn't and yet they said such mean things. Treated me with contempt. I had to be doing something to deserve it, right? 

I glanced around and I envied those so-called perfect people. They said the right things, at the right time, were surrounded by crowds fawning all over them, boosting their already inflated egos.

On the surface their smiles were bright. They were always happy and laughing but underneath, there was a lot of sighing and unrest.

I thought it was always a bad thing that I wasn't like everyone else but it turns out being different is fun. I get to explore my personality and voice something unique.

So what if it's not mainstream or popular? Who cares? I'm not saying I know better than you. I don't. I am saying I have the right to be heard, the same as you do.

My point is, when someone says you don't matter. They are lying and they are threatened by you. They see something in you that makes them nervous.

They also see traits in you, that appear within themselves and they cannot bear it. You don't need a million friends. You don't need to compete.

It helps to have someone around you who is trustworthy, honest and reliable. A person that will call you out when you're making the wrong choice.

Who will tell you straight, the real truth instead of the opinion you really really want to hear haha :D

I'm just relieved that I get to have the last laugh. I get complimented on my voice, my wit, my personality and my street-smarts.

I am important and you are too! Repeat after me....

I can out-quirk anyone!! :D 

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2019/01/floundering.html

#BlogLife24 - Who am I?

Evening friends,

That might be presumptuous saying that but I'm feeling optimistic and the sun is shining beautifully on my face so I feel great. 

How are you all doing? I'm not sure why but I'm not getting much sleep these days. My mind is just full of things to do and it just won't switch off.

I've changed my blog description a few times. I guess sometimes even I am not sure what I am about.

Health?

Weight?

Writing?

Relationships?

Family?

Gaming?

Gender?

Cultural identity?

Solitude?

and finally confidence. I think that about covers it. I only share snippets of each, not because I am ashamed of who I am, but due to a fierce need to keep any relevant information hidden.

The more I share, the more vulnerable I become. Too many people take advantage. There isn't any safe spaces anymore.

However I tag these posts with safe-space because I want you as a reader to feel assured that anything you say will be treated with respect.

I didn't really want to moderate comments before they are allowed to be published but to avoid spam. It has to be done.

Q1) What does your blog description say about you?

A) Well first you have the basics, gender, age, location and then my expert subject.

B) I kept mine short and mysterious. I am all about the intrigue but there is a photo of me. A picture is worth a thousand words right?

C) I didn't put a photo up but I covered the basic principles about what I would probably be discussing.

It's probably best if you review it once in a while because blogs tend to evolve and interests change.

What you were passionate about six months ago, may not hold your fascination these days.

Two things I haven't yet worked out. 

Q2) How do you stop your hair going flat after your remove the headband? My volume is non existent afterwards haha :D

A) *Shrugs* What are you asking me for? I asked you that question :D

B) Ummm. I guess you tease it first and use products to make it voluminous?

C) Look. I really don't have time for this. I have the opposite problem, my hair is too thick and frizzy. Fix that first.

Q3) What do you listen to in the background while you are working/studying/doing chores/writing?

A) Music, every time. I crank up those tunes, bop my head and even hum along. Though it's distracting when the good songs come on.

B) If I am going to hear anything. It has to be asmr. Sound effects are relaxing but at the same time, my mind doesn't wander and I keep focused.

C) Why do you assume I have anything on? I don't. I like complete silence. I need total concentration on the task at hand.

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2020/09/about-me-and-my-blog-100th-post.html

I should probably update the popular posts but I guess it would probably just be the Hercai/Ramo commentaries..