#BlogLife891 - Blah blah, Wait that changes things../ In trouble for being sick

As usual, back to my usual state of confusion. I just got a notice from UC, after them declaring nothing has changed, the payment stays the same.

All because I then said, by the way, the landlord said the rent increases now happen in October from now on, not April, as that's what they told me, suddenly it's whoa.....

Stop the presses, this changes everything. We've given you a surplus payment, and I thought ok, but why?

I've literally spelled out my expenses that you're not covering and you didn't give a damn, you said Go to a food bank, I'm not taking sustenance from those that need it.

That's a dumb unhelpful suggestion. I know how to budget, I've been doing it all my life, surrounded by irresponsible people, that I didn't want to grow up to emulate.

I've been without food before because I couldn't afford it, that's nothing new to me.

I'm desperately trying not to get to that extreme state, which is what these imbeciles don't seem to grasp.

Anyway I think this is a one off adjustment amount that will be sent to me.

I guess the point is, if it comes from the landlord, someone that gouges people for money, they'll take it under consideration.

If it's from a human being struggling, getting depressed about having no future which includes a roof over their head, they don't give a toss!!

I did not intend to write at all today but I had to voice this. Whatever!

Again I'm not looking forward to Monday's bullying UC meeting, he's turning into such an ass!

On to today (Monday), as I wrote the above last week. I hate confrontations, but I loathe being bullied more, though when it came down to it..

I swallowed my tongue and didn't object to his dictation.

Apply for the coding course, that I'm not remotely keen on and I didn't stand up and say If you're so interested You go for it!!

I just started to feel nauseated, so he warned me I could be sanctioned for failure to do as he asked.

Which means the payments get suspended. I have some options to think about.

He wants me to print out applications not sure how to do that, the form or the acknowledgement receipt email after submission?

Can you print out emails? Maybe I'll just screenshot the contents, save it to a draft and print them all just before the appointment, if I'm late, screw it, he gave me a bloody 9am slot again. They never open on time.

Ugh library visit prior then. I could apply to the coding course but not keen, he says they're online but the blurb says in person..

I just don't feel like arguing when I want to vomit. Why is he even making me print out responses, half of them don't even acknowledge you've applied anyway, let alone get back to you.

It's insulting, it's basically saying Hello liar, prove yourself to me. Fine dickhead, as you wish!

Another thing I could do, if it's still running was go back to volunteering, I don't feel emotionally stable for that but if it gets him off my back, I would do it.

There's too much on my plate, too much stress and stomach churning already.. I feel out of options though.

What else could I do? Have a higher number of entries in my journal.

Something else that ticked me off was him asking who I got rejected from, ahem it's on the freaking journal, what is the point filling it in, you don't check it, ass!!

I really hate that, it would two seconds to go through it, prior to seeing me, I'm your first meeting but no yack it up with your colleagues instead.

The only highlight of today was seeing the smiling happy delivery driver, when he delivered breakfast.

Oh wait, before that, popped into Tesco, didn't have time to look around so got a chicken caesar wrap and a sprite but then the assistant insisted I get a chocolate as it's cheaper as part of the meal deal, ugh I was so tired..

I got a twix and then realised afterwards, it's white chocolate yuckity.

So anyway when the guy greeted me by name and handed over the food, I just offered the twix and his whole face beamed back at me, he was so chuffed, he just thanked me for that tiny gesture.

I would have binned it but at least it didn't go to waste. It is nice to do something for others but crikey, I feel I can barely stand at present.

My tum is still flip-flopping, even after drinking and munching the fries.

Oh I am all out of eye drops, dang my eyes are so dry but I saw a great deal, 3 bottles for £5 and I snapped it up.

Hopefully they get here this week. Ugh I have to put away the food.

Oh ha, the cafe gave me a complimentary chilli cheese packet of crisps, not sure I'm brave enough to eat that, I declined the coke as I am not keen at all.

#BlogLife843 - You've been called out, accept it or don't!

Hmm I feel like I have to vaguely unpack this lil inner circle drama but it's not really to do with me, I just know the associates in question.

It doesn't feel quite appropriate to go into details but I've got a lot on my plate already. I don't want to focus on this too.

Somebody I know behaved badly and kept on either being oblivious or not caring.

Now people are coming forward and saying, that happened to me too and that is why they have retreated due to the offputting nature.

To put it into perspective, it's verbal inappropriate flirting/pestering with women that just tried to be friendly, helpful or did some basic chitchatting.

Now if this was me and I was told, I was being offensive or disrespectful and that I was making people around me uncomfortable.

I would be horrified. That's not me at all, I try to do the opposite, granted sometimes I am in no mood but still I would rather distance myself than provoke someone, unless they deserved it.

Anyway my instincts and conscience would tell me to apologise, clarify and either guiltily cut off the friendship or try to make amends.

Unfortunately this person lacks self awareness because he just said Oh but I was joking. Like that addresses or fixes anything??!!

No, no, no, no! Take responsibility for your actions. I called this a while back and said to someone close to me, I know you are going to reach your limit soon and block him.

Certain people cross boundaries and just don't learn from it. They see someone being sweet and attentive and instead of taking it at face value and thinking..

Oh I'm really lucky to have that person in my life, they get hooked on the focus and act inappropriately and flirt.

What makes it worse, so so so so much worse. These people are not single and he knows this.

If he had said I am wrong, even though to me I wasn't crossing any lines, the fact that you and others are upset, means that I behaved badly and I will take that onboard.

It would have gone down better but saying that I was joking around and that I don't understand why you're being like this, just cemented his fate.

Oof! He messaged me and I am ignoring it because it appears like he is going for the sympathy vote, once again.

As though he is blameless. Also the proof of this further hurts his case.

He said............... This is why I don't get close to people and I hate all these women targeting me. Hmm so your content to put it all on others?

Instead of taking a good hard look at yourself and contemplating, Wow let me work on myself.

Nothing will change, you won't find a partner or have healthy friendships if you don't see your faults.

You'll just keep being depressed, keep complaining and drive them away continuously.

I've suggested things and others have too but he doesn't want to help himself.

He's chasing someone that shows no romantic interest and that seems to be his pattern of destruction.

Why not go for someone you have a chance with? Oh because then you'd have to make an effort, have some growth, put in the hard work, go from being unhappy to happy.

And no more whinging, nope can't do that. Sorry to say but you brought this on yourself.

Maybe I should have stepped in and had a quiet word. I think I was worried I wouldn't be able to convey it properly.

I was concerned about hurting your feelings. You're a very sensitive person but at the same time, you need to be aware so that you can change for the better.

I know people are supposed to accept you as you are and we shouldn't have to change.

This whole subject makes me cringe. It's just that we all have to grow up.

We have to recognise harmful patterns of behaviour, that are doing us no favours.

Shouldn't our goals be to be happy? To be decent people? To respect others?

Eeek he just referred to this whole mishmash as she misunderstood me.

Plus he is trying to discredit her and others who he himself was inappropriate with ickkkkk.

I can't believe how nasty he is being. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

I feel protective when you yourself give someone the benefit of the doubt or others do but they take advantage and creep up even more, it's not right.

I have to say he did apologise to me but he obviously didn't mean it.

I have had my own dealings with him. He just doesn't really own up to his failings.

For my experiences. I found he tried to bully me into doing what he deemed the superior outcome.

I have my own thoughts and reasons for choosing the right path for me and he actually said if you don't do what I want, I won't be friends with you.

That started to put me off him a lot, later he claimed to be messing around and apologised but he seemed really aggressive that he couldn't dictate and that I wouldn't follow his advice.

Also the other thing was I didn't mention the blog, I'm very careful who I share it with.

As there is a lot of personal information here but he found out about it, either through my Twitter account, but I didn't share that either..

Most likely, I comment under videos and I highly suspect, he clicked on my profile where I added the blog and twitter addresses as I thought it would be good to attract people to it.

As a while back, he point blank stated, Oh I know you have a blog and I'm going to read it.

I felt so creeped out and uncomfortable by that. I didn't know what to say so I ignored it and he didn't give feedback or mention it again, which relieved me.

I would have preferred he asked me about it, instead of snooping.

He constantly tries to make amends but it means nothing if you don't vow to do better next time.

He just keeps pushing his luck and targeting women that think the best of others and try to make allowances.

But enough is enough, we are all fed up of being exploited. 

Sort yourself out!!

My blog link is out there for the world to see but I still have that hesitation when people ask to read it.

Especially men as they do not seem to grasp a women's perspective.

I've continuously experienced negative feedback and all I'm trying to do is express how I'm feeling in that moment.

So I attempt to explain that this blog is written by a woman, for women because I feel like, they are less likely to make snap judgements and tell me to be in a better mood or get over things.

I hope that anyone reading this will see that I face difficulties constantly.

It's not about smiling, being happy or ignoring my emotions. It's about trying to exist through the darkness and pain.

Trying to be open and honest and admitting, this is really hard to say but I'm not alright.

For years and years and years I pretended and I'm sick of doing that.

This is my chance to say, this is actually what is going on with me.

Most of the time I don't know that I cope all that well because at times something small can set me off.

There is no-one I can be 100% real with. I have to hide the fact that I'm stressed and worried and not in the mood to be bubbly and carefree.

This is why the blog was founded. I needed to let it all out. If you like reading it, thank you, if you hate it, that's ok too.

I'm not looking for every single person to like me, or like the content.

It would be nice if people could relate. It would be great to be understood and not feel I have to alter myself to be a good writer.

I try my best to mix things up but I'm not going to fake being chirpy.

I'm going to be myself and hope that I attract more readers and followers and people just wanting to hear about my crazy life.

I'm not perfect. I'm just trying to function as best as I can with everything that gets thrown at me.

Last thing, it still astounds me that the perception is I should be writing about one thing only ugh!

How would you not bore yourself to tears just focusing on one thing??

I like that the blog is varied. We have humour, sadness, pamper posts, we have fiction, stories, advice.

There is alsorts to keep you entertained. My brain finds it easy to switch, it actually prefers that.

Going from happy to sad or lighthearted to deep and meaningful.

#BlogLife773 - All that remains.../Designed to fail *foul foul language*

Crikey I had a mini panic, trying to locate where Paypal hid the bulk statement file but it was under Activity report and I just downloaded it.

I attached it to a draft email and then when I go to the library tomorrow to print it, I don't know if I have to decompress it first, hopefully not.

Plus as it's public access, I have to remember to logout of email after I've finished.

I just want it all over and done with, there's only so much worry a person can go through, until they just try to carry on as normal.

Ha I just picked up my phone and was listening to music and Mama called to wish me luck for tomorrow, that was sweet but it's only part one.

I won't have any news about the fine or worse for a while or next week.

The meeting tomorrow is supposed to be an introduction but maybe they will turn around and say, You're rejected, fend for yourself..

Good luck paying your expenses and Welcome to Homelessness......

I can't dwell on it anymore, it affects my sleep. It's just always there in the front and back of my mind, making me nuts.

I'll probably add to this when I get back Friday afternoony, although if it's particularly brutal, I might just curl up on my bed and weep for a lifetime......

I just wanted to be able to take care of myself without relying on anyone.

I don't need the stress, even if I do deserve it.

Well today was a complete more or less bust. I went to the Bank, thinking ok maybe 20 minutes, to print it out, nope.

They order it and it takes 5 working days, how the hell that is going to fit into one envelope, I don't know.

Then I go to the library, only to be told I don't have to queue and then either the computers are broken or they ask for login details.

So back to waiting in line ages, then she sets me up and I go to my email, only to be told, they need to verify, so have emailed Msn, of which thankfully, my phone let me login but it didn't send the verification email.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Fuckity, fuck, fuck!!!!

Finally got in, was ready to download it, but then it said it's 134 pages! What the fuck???

I can't carry that, let alone print it. I just left and called up and I was hoping, she would say send me the file, but it was Nope, we don't accept that!!

She said, spend a few trips, going back, do it double sided, 67 fucking pages to print still???!!!

What a bitch!!! She could have easily accepted the file, but nope, I have to go through all this shit multiple times.

Fuckkkkkkkk!

All this isn't supposed to cost anything, I'll end up paying for the printouts, the envelopes, stamps, probably sellotape, oyster fare.

All because they want to put me through this headache, when they know all the fucking information anyway.

She's extended the time from from the deadline of the 18th October, to the 1st November.

I'm sore and exhausted. I should go back to the library and start printing but fuck that.

As for the Universal Credit side of things, surprisingly that all went smoothly.

It was just accept the terms and she said she would speak to my other JSA advisor about cancelling Tuesday's appointment.

Then they will email me my next meeting time and that seems done.

Jail seems easier than this. Two last things, during the Universal Credit appointment, she said Oh if at anytime you're not fit to work, just go ahead and see your doctor for a sick note.......

Yea I'll get right on that, they didn't even recognise me as sick, when I was critical!!!

Secondly my back is killing me, I am fantasising about my salmon and avocado sushi, that I'll probably never eat again.

I would love to have ordered that but I have to be sensible. Bills first, food second.

Oh one last thing, which was just weird and almost laughable, was when they assumed I was attending a JSA appointment and I said No, it's a Universal Credit one, the guy whooped and said Yea Good you joined us....

Umm, ok, I'm going to miss my JSA advisor though, she was really sweet, she mostly understood the health side of my complexities.

Anyway I tried my best to get everything done today, notified the relevant parties, attended where I was supposed too.

Now I'm going to just wait and decide what to do next week. The thought of going out multiple times, knowing I have to be on my feet when I get back to cook, is not appealing.

It's almost worth not eating, but no, I'm going to try and see how I cope.

Sigh, I just want some peace, without drama or obligations, can't I be sick in peace and quiet???

Well it's now Monday, I didn't hear back about Tomorrow's cancelled appointment, I called up and was advised to attend it.

I'm kinda glad in a way, I get to speak to her one last time, my old advisor and I don't know whether I should beg for her help with the printing.

I'm trying to be as discreet as possible but that is a lot to ask, I think I'm desperate enough.

67 pages though, that's such an unreasonable favour. If she did it for me, I would get her a gift to say Thank you, maybe lunch or something.

They are probably not allowed to receive kickbacks but this isn't a bribe, this is gratitude.

I need help, I admit it, this one time, I can't manage it alone, I strive to struggle and rely on myself completely but to hell with it, if she says No, there will not be any hard feelings.

I will just do it in sections at the library and then the post office and try to fit it all in, before the freaking end of the month deadline.

Wouldn't it be nice to get it all printed at once and not have multiple draining trips?

Then I'm still waiting for the Bank statements to arrive and that's a whole load, they have to be sorted into piles of envelopes, then weighed and sent off also.

So much to do and I feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of it but I guess lil by lil I will complete it.

Doesn't mean I won't grumble constantly though. Hmm ok, that's my battleplan.

This just feels never-ending. 

#BlogLife536 - Inside the mind of a narcissist/How I treat your Mama

Good evening to you all. I hope you're in a good mood, doing something for yourself this weekend.

I definitely am relishing every second of feeling more physically well and the tensions slowly leaving my body.

I'm in two minds whether or not to purchase another mud mask and/or a scrub or maybe a combination of them both.

I'm not liking the Argan one, it's doing nothing beneficial and it's awkward to use.

My face is still breaking out and excessively dry which is bugging me because with the moisturiser applied, it switches to oily, yuckity.

With the stand-in showers like Mama has I squirt the scrub on the floor and just rub my feet along it and boom, they are smooth again.

I do try to stay out of the family drama's but crikey I get pulled into it.

The younger sibling aged 40yrs continues spouting garbage and Mama is biding her time until the freeloader leaves her in peace.

I don't like the fact he doesn't knock at the front door and waltzes in like he owns the place.

I don't care it's family. Knock, ask politely if this is a convenient time to visit and wait for a reply and to be welcomed in.

Then he scrounges meals, drinks and supplies and would never think to say Hey Mama, thanks for all you do, I've bought you replacements or dinner tonight.. So you don't have to fuss over me, for once.

Or I don't need a thing from you, I just popped in to see if you required any help at all or favours?

The first I thing I did was pay for a Chinese banquet for us at her favourite restaurant and packed away the laundry.

Then he goes out and returns at Midnight where Mama has to get out of her bed and take the lift down to let him in, which further disgusts me.

Or he will call late at night and say can I come around for some water??

You have a tap, you have the option to order food or drinks or go shopping, there is literally a shop opposite here.

He really lacks basic decency and manners. As a reminder he's renting the room above her (in this retirement complex) because he's too cheap to get a hotel.

Then instead of buying simple toiletries like toothpaste, shower gel, water, he comes and uses the shower, shaves here and just uses her inventory, without replacing them.

Plus angrily demands the hot water be on 24-7 because he deserves it.

Doesn't want to pay her extortionate bills but wants the privilege of taking the mickey constantly.

This is a truly sick individual and it kills me to be civil to him but that's the predicament I'm in.

He was literally bragging about money incoming because he claims to have sleep apnea and narcolepsy.

Maybe apnea but not narcolepsy. The reason the fool is sleeping in the day is because he's out partying late.

He literally slept for an hourish on the sofa, to the inconvenience of everyone having to tiptoe over him.

If you're tired, go home!!!! Then we won't have to hide our purses because he's untrustworthy.

Mama said that any advice she relays has him arguing, swearing and screaming at her.

She told me he's outright confessed to using her and has frequently sworn and attacked her personality and life over email and in person.

She was so mortified and upset that she threatened to share the emails with the rest of her children but I said spread them to the whole of the family.

(I knew she wouldn't do that, as the family gossips and would make her look bad but that would horrify him because everyone would see him for what he is - an abuser)!!!!

That is what it took to stop that line of abuse. I honestly don't know how she can stand to look at him, let alone put up with him.

I've told her I'll be happy when they're both gone permanently. I don't think she realised I mean't when they're both dead but meh.

Intimidating and heinous is what they were, are and continue to be.

Oh yes he's changed, into a bigger monster. Now he's casually mentioning marriage and children like it's an every day thing.

Heaven help the wifey! Scary thought, I hope no woman is ever that desperate. He will be abusive and selfish and confrontational.

Him putting someone else's needs above his own? That would make hell freeze over and pigs would fly.

We both don't want him to return but of course he unfortunately always does, from his lil overseas excursions.

How does he pay for them? As he has not one, but 2 maxed out credit cards.

Good grief. I will never own a credit card and run up debts and be scared of fines and repossessions etc.

Do us all a favour and this time, stay permanently gone and fend for your bloody self!

Just going to add this as it was just relayed to me.

He got money (stole) from Mama over the years. Got £5k (I suspect twice that) from Mama's friend who he was taking care of and probably sponging off too.

I'm so glad the son has banned him with Police action from going near her or exploiting her further.

Just now he asked Mama if she could send money to bail him out if there's problems abroad and he was probably going to ask to stay with her again.

I'm glad she told him NO. I think now more than ever, she's recognising his nasty, bullying, ungrateful, manipulative side.

And has had more than enough of being taken for granted and berated over nothing.

I'm pleased I'm here for this because she seems stronger and more resolved to stand up for herself and not resigned to being verbally abused constantly. 

He leaves tomorrow (Monday 31st). It cannot arrive soon enough..

Holy moly. How do you not invest wisely, budget and make sound final decisions for your future? 

You're a fricking adult!! You act like an irresponsible man-baby. Throwing tantrums.

He brought a female friend over and I never really acknowledge them because I think either he is on his best behaviour around them or they don't care he's abusive.

Either way, how can you not know or see him as the despicable animal he is??

I cringed so hard when she said sincerely, Aww he's leaving you, how will you cope?

Mama had to act sad. Yeesh. Dumb dumb friends, not to see his narcissistic tendencies, which are all too obvious to the rest of us!!

I feel like the 2 siblings can hide their violent tempers around others but all beasts show their true colours eventually right??

Maybe I will get my wish and they will rot in jail in the future, one can only hope....

As then the cycle of abuse will finally be over.

They both have this weird entitlement ego where they have to control us and get their way.

If not anger and chaos ensue and I've had enough, for me and Mama, we deserve better.

Only prison or death will make it stop!

This has been circling through my head for a bit and I realised why.

Mama said the younger sibling has wished I was dead before and initially I was taken aback but then I thought, the feeling is mutual.

The reason he wants me gone as I am the lil birdie on Mama's shoulder saying, don't put up with this, say No, cut him off or ignore him for a bit when he's swearing at you.

There was a moment where he called from abroad to ask a favour and he kept repeating Oh don't worry I'll be calm and he was mostly.

But always on the verge of snapping. We both knew why he was even-keeled..

It was because he knew I was in the room listening so the audience had him maintaining his cool.

Then she told me the older one used to pull her aside and say speak to her, she's being unfair.....

Ha...... Because I was expressing an independent opinion that differed from your dictatorship????

Yeesh and then Mama just said talk to her yourself and sort it out.

What I realised bugged me about that is those two have no concept of being respectful and agreeable.

If they approached me and said, would you mind doing this? I would be open to it.

But they screamed dangerously and me and Mama always backed down out of fear of the repercussions.

I never had a bloody choice, a bloody say, in anything! I wished she spoke to them and said, you can't always be in control.

You have to learn to work together and compromise but she didn't and sticks up for the older one, who has "changed."

But try disagreeing and see the aggression return full circle. I hate being reminded of my childhood.

Of how this was a daily occurrence and I just withdrew from life and was a walking empty shell.

But life is different now and I have little to no contact with either.

I just don't understand the maliciousness of attacking me and Mama venomously, specifically us but nice as pie, to other women, people, family.

Cursing, insulting, picking on our weaknesses, threatening to harm us?

How do they not feel an ounce of guilt and can carry on doing it routinely?

I can't fathom it but it's Mama I feel sorry for, she has to put up with it regularly.

I hope karma will catch up with them one day and show them what it's like to fear for their lives.

Fear for being outspoken. Fear for disagreeing. Fear for breathing. Fear for walking into a room and fear for being around!!

#BlogLife474 - Do you think it's easy being debilitated?

Song of the day - Nickelback - Lullaby

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjkJ6GZh-pY&list=PL_S79tzxwHpOjlynfkGbkx-UC99ltSAXW&index=1

Song of the day - Shawn Mullins - Lullaby

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSPjTAFn-l0&list=PL_S79tzxwHpOjlynfkGbkx-UC99ltSAXW&index=8

Sorry about the delay, I was all set to edit and publish but a wave of cramps and lethargy washed over me and knocked me out and I had to rest.

Sometimes I hate my creative brain, I was trying to switch off and these deep and meaningfuls kept chattering in my head.

My mind was raring to write but my body was gone, too much tiredness and discomfort.

The reason I have put up these two different songs is due to my state of mind, when I first and subsequently listen to them, it's like stepping away from the mental breakdowns and depression I was going through.

Like a musical someone was saying, hang in there, it's going to be okay, persevere and come out of the other side.

Yesterday I was talking to an acquaintance and she's normally really cool but there is something she keeps bringing up and she knows my situation, that it's difficult to cope with being ill.

But she keeps hammering the point that I should be able to get additional support and benefits from being chronically ill.

You might think she is looking out for my welfare but I have to painstakingly explain for the hundredth time that this is all bundled together with recognition.

I have to be seen as ill and that has to be taken seriously. I've been fighting for myself to be heard, believed and treated since I was a teenager, to absolutely no avail.

(Side note). As I was just handed my groceries and I already forgot what the top up quickie shop entailed..

Mouthwash, my beautiful scented Radox bath soak, that I use as a gel and some chicken wraps for tomorrow.

Then as he handed me the bags with the drinks, I shrieked and he laughed, not in a bad way but in a.... Be careful Madam lol.

As it was a big bottle of sugar free Ribena squash and 2x6 cans of sugar free 7UP in one bag, arghhh.

I thought Oh no, my legs are buckling, my arms are weakening but I readjusted and was fine.

I may pay the price tomorrow but that will be an issue then.

Those were the things I was running low on and to do a full Ocado shop would be quite pricey so a mini one suited me better.

I made sure there were discounts. £6.50 saving I think altogether, plus free delivery and that makes it worthwhile.

I was disappointed that I didn't see the Christmassy red Radox but there's a green one I haven't used before and that was in stock.

I'll review it when the other one finishes. I do love the red but it comes out in clumps and ends up spilling into the water so it's a bit wasteful.

I know it's supposed to be used as a soak but as I can't physically sit in a tub, I have to stand and use these products in a showery gel form.

Alright enough rambling, back to the subject. To have to admit to someone continually that I am on my own and every time I visited Doctors and Specialists, it kept sending me into spirals of depression.

Is really upsetting in itself. I had to hold back the floods of tears because it was in a public place.

To get told cruelly that you're wasting their time and are faking and just lying is utterly disheartening.

To face that inner fear that you're existence is meaningless and the medical tests backed it up because there was no evidence to back up my claims, is tantamount to anyone having a breakdown.

How long do you debate and crawl to the medical profession and deal with being talked down to and being judged and criticised throughout the visits???

I'm not putting myself through that. I'm in a good as any place. My health is deteriorating and that's normal I guess.

I just have to add that, it's really weird the supplements are giving me additional periods.

I've taken vitamins before and I don't recall this happening before.

I told her again and she knows that, I have to deal with this situation each time I visit a GP or hospital,

But it just vexed me that she was saying casually, Oh you could have been entitled to a free heating blanket (arghhh).

That is insult to injury!!! Don't tell me these things, knowing that I have to go through a battery of medical test to claim for it.

And that invariably I'll be denied. It's sickening! Everyone labels it as disabled in a wheelchair/crutches.

And able-bodied, walking around unaided. I'm in the latter pile so will forever be stuck in the grey area of disbelief.

I've been discriminated a lot and it will continue but that has been my life since I was a teenager and now I'm in my forties.

It's just the way it is. I just don't appreciate someone making out like it's so easy breezy to get diagnosed, it bloody isn't.

Just because bones are supposed to have healed, it doesn't mean they have.

In the same way, just because the tests are not revealing symptoms, it doesn't mean I'm fabricating, it just means, you need a new way of testing patients!!!

#BlogLife379 - Disabled? Nope unacceptable!

I'm used to certain attitudes. I've been introduced to a lot of consultants who are supposed to advocate for those who has health issues and disabilities and not one of those have helped me.

They increase my stresses and strains and put pressure on me to be "normal" and not as I am which is a sick person struggling.

I didn't realise how angry I was about the lift situation until I was explaining it to another person but it was because once again instead of someone accommodating MY NEEDS, they are uncatered for.

I was telling her, I'm used to that sort of response and she looked so gutted and guilty, even though it's not her fault.

She was just listening and supporting me, telling me to put my health first and foremost and that she would give me anything I needed, I just had to ask.

I did really require that actually. I thought I had shrugged it off and although I wasn't shouting, I was laughing it off but I was disgusted.

I did update her on the whole situation. Particularly the stairs and she was horrified and ready to intervene but I stopped her.

I just needed someone to hear me out, I guess. I don't understand the manner, it seems counter-productive.

If you want to motivate someone, shouldn't you see what their needs are and the best way to help them along, instead of forcing them into weird unattainable duties??

Is the thinking behind it..... If I push and push, she'll relent and give in and do things my way, even though her physical/mental well-being will drastically suffer to her detriment?!

I honestly don't understand it. I get coercing someone gently into something different but doable but this isn't that, not even close!

I feel dangerously ignored as though, there's no point saying I'm limited to certain activities because I'm talked over and nothing I admit, is taken into consideration.

What's so threatening about having a disabled person on your list? I'm still a human being, I just have different specifications.

Rolls my eyes. Same ol same ol nonsense. Never quite disabled enough to matter and I'm the only one that cares about my safety!

I constantly have to put up with this crap!!! 

#BlogLife371 - I'll never be who you want.....Mr Z

Hi I'm Pilar and you've met me before, several times in fact. You know that I'm respectful polite, punctual (mostly) and truthful so what about me screams pushover??

I haven't lied. I haven't exaggerated, why do you think you can manipulate into saying or doing something that would make sicker??

You told me to check something out that isn't feasible in any way shape or form and then you asked me a question that has been repeated practically every time I've seen you.

WTF! Why? Am I suddenly going to announce my long term permanent un-curable health conditions have suddenly departed???

I have 10 minutes where I can stand and that's it. Afterwards my body starts shutting down and I'm done.

It's like you're saying I know best. Except that you don't. I know my body and what it's capable of sustaining.

At least meet my halfway you colossal waste of space!! Nothing you are saying or doing benefits me but I promised someone I would give you a fair chance.

Crimity!!! Can't you show me an ounce of respect? I've been laughing at the outlandish venues you want me to trapse too.

They aren't even nearby there are off in different cities. I don't even drive and even if I did, I still wouldn't attempt it.

I'm not looking to strain my body and add further stress to my life so why the hell are you??

Why are recommended people for those that struggle with disabilities the absolute worst people in the world???

Why are we treated as though we are able bodied and the same as regular folk??

My face is constantly contorted in pain and discomfort. I'm not faking that. My face is smothering yelps.

What about that disposition tells you I am capable of what you're demanding that I do??

At least I am doing activities that are feasible and accomplishing what I set out to do, which is more than enough to keep you happy.

I'd like to see anyone of you advisors stuck in hospital or a bed for months unable to move and see what kind of person that turns you into.

Yes at times I fell apart absolutely I can freely admit that but I also put myself back together.

I could barely move my limbs at one point, certainly not enough to even take my lenses out for days and then when I finally removed them, I wasn't able to put them back in.

Life was literally a blur but I'm stronger than you give me credit for, hell that I give me credence for.

I've been through a hell of a lot but I'm able to get on each day and write, write and write some more.

Sometimes it's the only thing I look forward to doing and other times it's satisfying taking a break.

My point I'm not going to let you make me feel bad for underperforming.

I'm doing just great and in fact I am impressed at my efforts in dealing with some very challenging tasks and passing them with relative ease.

#BlogLife300 - I'm in the mood to fight!! (Goodbye part 2) mini update

Something snapped. I think I had been holding back some resentments and they came out today from what seemed like a petty instance.

I think I'm just aware of people constantly taking me for granted, using me and then just laughing or being smug about it, so when I see it, in someone supposedly nice, it burns me.

At first I really do try to understand it and ignore it, maybe as them being a lil thoughtless but then after a while, it feels like it's calculated.

Asking me questions like...... "Do you miss me?" Instead of saying.. "Oh this happened and I thought of you" or "Just checking in to see how you are?"

"I couldn't keep away, I couldn't not text, was bursting to talk to you, even though I am swamped."

You know something simple like that instead of always making me talk about what I feel and you just carelessly mumbling the same afterwards or agreeing. Pah!!!

Irritating!! You say we don't fight, well possibly that is because I hate confrontation and I feel guilty for bringing this up and upsetting you, even though I'm bloody entitled to do it!!!

That should have been my red flag. The way you harped on about us not having problems and getting on famously. I'm sure I reminded you that I was difficult at times, but you dismissed it.

The other thing that bothered me was you claimed to routinely fight with exes and had no issue with it. Why couldn't you have done the same with me?

I just think it was your pride. You must have falsely assumed my feelings for you would cloud my judgement and I would what??

Let you get away with murder?? Let myself be dissatisfied forever without facing you and offloading??

I'm not the bravest person but if it is a choice between staying quiet or screaming at you with rage? I'll take the battle option and see what unfolds.

Nobody wants to prompt someone, otherwise it feels disingenuous and fighting with someone that's using smileys and short texts is even more aggravating.

The funny thing is, you could have so easily diffused my anger. If you had just accepted my perspective and had the balls to face my wrath. You didn't though, did you??

Which makes you a coward!

Ugh!!!! Fine, see how you like short texts from now on too. To think, I was looking forward to talking to you but now I don't want too at all.

Why does it always come back to you and how you're impacted? You could have said....... Oh I didn't realise, I didn't mean to treat you that way.

Now you think I'll come running and chase you again? Well no!! I won't. I do miss you but you need to express yourself better and chase me for once!

Show me that you care, that you would make the effort to work things out until there was no point, relentlessly but then I'm starting to think, you don't. 

You've just been playing games. You left very quickly without looking back.

Hmm. I don't know, perhaps I was wrong about you, seeing/hearing what I wanted, instead of the apathetic truth.

Same ol same ol garbage!!

Next!!!!!! 

Have a nice life!!

You failed the argument test. 

I need to be able to communicate my emotions, have you understand my perspective and then reply back with comprehension and a suitable response.

I will not go back to being ignored as though what I am going through doesn't register at all.

Plus I need to hear your take on it, you can disagree, you can see it differently but you have to speak up and let me know, otherwise we don't belong together.

It's still immensely challenging to express myself, so you have to realise if I am doing it or shouting, it's because I'm frustrated and I'm sick of being tolerable when I don't feel it's returned to me.

All couples row, it's human nature. We should have been able to navigate through this, instead we broke apart.

You haven't been in contact since yesterday afternoon and I don't think you will.

You want someone that is meek and won't go against you at all. I can be chilled at times but I'm not a doormat, if something is eating away at me, I should be able to vent, without you running away.

Ps someone tell me how to stop picking up my phone and checking for missed calls/messages every few minutes..LOL.

This did help. I just needed to get it out of my system so that I wasn't replaying the last conversation again.

I will give you until this evening and then I'll block you permanently.

No relationship/friendship is perfect but for me I need certain things to be able to breathe.

I grew up with fear and dysfunction in my interactions. That's not how I want to live anymore.

I want something healthy and normal. I want to get through conflicts and not be depressed or scared.

It should be routine and cathartic to vent. One day maybe I'll find someone that lets me be all parts of moi.

The soft, the vulnerable, the sarcastic, the witty, the sweet, the angry, the aloof, the suspicious, the affectionate, the lovable and lastly, respectably nutty.

**Oh and one final thing, you selfish bastard. (Yes I have been cursing you out).

You asked to hear one itty bitty chapter of my work and that was it. You weren't keen on any of the posts that didn't mention you!

Yet you kept asking again and again for me to hear more of your story. 

Considering how nerve wracking that experience of reading to you was but how fiercely I defended my work, when you didn't like a certain detail..

Plus how supportive I was with yours, when it wasn't to my genre taste at all.

I would have thought you could have been way more supportive and enthusiastic.

More examples of your over inflated ego! What was the bit he didn't like?

In Uncivilised Civilian when I was describing the shower amenities, he thought I harped on about it excessively.

I pointed out that this was aimed at women, who always had a million and one products cluttering up the bathroom, so this should appeal.

Ok, now I wash my hands of you and I'm officially done!

#BlogLife296 - Let me read your blog....

"Oh you're a blogger? Wow that sounds fun and easy, give me the link then so I can check you out??"

Would you be flattered by that request or uneasy like me? I've been blogging for what seems like forever but still whenever I hear that query I cringe.

Particularly if it's from a male as they tend to be extremely critical and judgemental.

I don't mind them seeing a selective few, personally chosen, random posts but not something deep and meaningful straight away without any context behind it.

I don't want a zillion questions fired at me. Why did you say that? Don't you think you're overreacting?

Why so moody? Can you not just move past that? I don't understand your point of view, can you elaborate?

Ughhhh. No no no no!! They want too much, too soon and I am not having it!

It should be a gentle pace not a frigging high speed race, where they immediately presume they know me intimately.

I'm not at all comfortable with that. I would make an exception if it wasn't such a personal blog.

After I said No. One guy said......Why not, you should be promoting it, not hiding it.

Pah like I would fall for something manipulative like that. He was obsessed with wanting to read it.

I just explained I do promote it, just not on that medium. I suppose you need a thick skin about exposing yourself to others.

That's understandable. I just don't tolerate the assumptions, that some make straight away.

They don't read something and say....Does this mean...? Blah blah..

They say. Oh you always felt like that because.... No I don't like that at all.

You don't know me from one bloody post. Read the whole blog and then you can have a lil insight about me.

#BlogLife250 - Buzz off!

I'm very tired today, stress manifests itself in me by exacerbating my insomnia. I keep waking up and having difficulty going back to sleep.

It's been 6am/7am wake ups and maybe actually falling asleep about 1am. It's not enough rest for my weary bones that are on constant strain.

Amazon gave me insult to injury this morning as I got an email stating Now you've received your order, how was it?? I know it's automated but the wound is still fresh.

Customer service keeps telling me they will sort it out and nothing has been resolved. I took to Twitter for a feelgood rant and yet again they reached out and will "investigate." 

Pffft yes, you've been saying the same arbitrary thing all weekend. Do it already and stop talking nonsense, with your fake sympathy and false concern.

At this point I want to use another retailer but it seems like a waste of money. I have credit in Amazon which needs to be used up.

Ebay is tempting but no warranty with them, I don't think. I don't usually have any issues with Amazon or their customer service but I guess it takes one bad experience to tarnish the good.

I can't help but think if I was a Prime member I would have been treated a lot differently. Paid memberships seem to signify quality service.

Evidently the regular type does not. Wait, wait and keep holding on, while we may or may not get back to you.

No I'm sick of waiting. I ordered the earbuds since Wednesday and I know it doesn't seem like much time has passed but when you've constantly been told it will arrive in due course..

First Saturday, (damaged on it's way to me) and nobody thought to inform me or send a damn replacement.

Then Sunday, I'll personally make sure it is sent and follow up on the case. Rest assured. *Rolls eyes* Nothing was said to me at all, until I chased it up myself.

Then Monday (yesterday), Oh so sorry Madam, just be patient, even though it doesn't say Out for Delivery, it'll probably be with you shortly, uh huh, fret not!

Then when I called back in the evening, oh we didn't send it out, so sorry! No mention of the refund or free replacement costs but oh just wait some more.

Another 24hrs needed to pause for us fuckwits at Amazon! I'm sorry but the ranting will continue until it gets resolved. I have to vent otherwise I'll go crazier.

I don't know if the main fault lies between the seller or Amazon but it's been handled atrociously either way.

They are expecting me to sit quietly and not bother them until they deign to get in touch. Pfft, yea right.

As soon as my working headphones are charged, I'll be calling them up to see what is happening.

I'm trying to avoid stress in my life as it is physically and emotionally draining.

I really don't see what the hold up has been for all this time? Why isn't there any initiative??

Is it solely because Amazon doesn't want to take responsibility and admit blame?

Part of me wants to wash my hands of it all, given that there hasn't been a single satisfactory ending.

The other part is too pissed. I don't want a refund, I want a replacement, although one representative claimed I could have both.

Hah. I don't think that is likely. There is one last recourse, reaching out to the seller directly, maybe that will light a fire under somebody's ass?

Either way I just want some working headphones, earbuds, whatever asap!!

The title mainly referred to the fly that despite openings all around, won't leave. Between that and Amazon, I'm slowly losing my mind!

#BlogLife240 - Mama and me on repeat...

I don't know how many times I can have the same conversation and not get annoyed. Why am I expected to sacrifice my safety? What the hell do you expect me to say?

It's Mother's Day weekend and I thought as I am not with her I'll order dinner for her and she won't have to cook today. I was gonna order more stuff but she hates everything I buy so it feels like a waste of money now.

I have no earthly problem doing that, it was my idea but then she brings up. Oh now I've moved and there's more room, you can stay in one of the rooms and your sibling will be in the other room.

Why on earth is she expecting me to say....Yes yes that's reasonable. She says the same garbage each time. Oh he's changed, they both have, like f they have!

As soon as they don't get their own way or something takes a while.... It's shouting and cussing and just the air of violence washing over the entire building.

Why would I want to be around that, yet again?? I told her, she doesn't see it and wasn't always around for it and she says, she understands but she bloody doesn't.

Why else would she ask me the same f'ing question??? It doesn't take much to set them off. One wrong look, question, topic, anything!!

I've had enough of being afraid around my so-called family. When is it going to get through? These fears blurred out into the world.

Most things scared me to death and still do. I have the right to some peace of mind. It's not something that can be brushed under the carpet.

I know she wishes I would get over my hatred of them but it's not going to happen. Either one day, they'll snap or I will. As this has been building since childhood.

I would bet money, she has never ever sat them down and said.. Look you made your sister's life miserable. She has a fear of men now, that you've done to her.

She is petrified to be in the same room as you. Get some f'ing counselling and fix yourselves!!!!

But no, there'll be none of that. She'll expect me to be panicky, nervous and on edge. Screw that!

She really is an expert at driving the wedge deeper between us. Congratulations, mission accomplished.

Why don't people respect my damn boundaries??!!!! It's hard enough to speak up and admit them out loud and yet they're still ignored relentlessly.

Talking to a brick wall irritates me and the fact she is putting it all on me, disgusts me!! It's like saying my concerns aren't valid and I'm just being hysterical to seek attention.

To grow up seeing hatred and embarrassment in someone's eyes when they look at you every day is a lot.

To then be chased around the house and be threatened is too much.

To live each day pleading with myself to be likeable was impossible.

How I wished that I was good company to have around. I seemed to look the wrong way, say the worst thing and do the opposite of what was expected.

Do you know how long it took me to be okay with myself??? To live and breathe and not want to jump off a cliff?

Every time she says just come and hang out. It's a knife through the heart.

When I was living at home. I had to endure the verbal abuse. It was daily and never ended. Now I am living independently, I have a choice.

I pick me! Although my wants and needs were never taken seriously. I'm determined not to blindly go into anymore dangerous situations.

No more, not even for you mama. Enough is enough! Take the hint and stop asking me to do the impossible, consider how it makes me feel.

You can dismiss it, although deep down you're still fearful of them also, why else would you let them walk all over you like a doormat??

Say goodbye to getting your own way and manipulating me. I'm not falling for the guilt trips this time or the next.

Why don't I stand up to them you ask? I do, once but then it happens again. 

The menacing looks, the venom. I'm just not strong enough. My voice cracks, my breath stills and I'm just frozen in time.

Yes I am weak and a coward. I admit that. But I'm also still alive and now I have the guts to say.....

NO!!!

#BlogLifeLife187 - Bugged out *strong language*

Afternoony, how are you all doing? I hope you got a great Christmas haul and are still enjoying your gifts for those who celebrated the season.

Don't get used to the weekend posts, I only published yesterday because I needed to clear my head and get it out of my system.

On Saturday night I slept alright and woke up at 9amish and figured I might as well get up and finish packing. 

I had to leave around 1pmish just in case the grocery order arrived prematurely.

Cab companies are so greedy that they take bookings even when no cars are available.

I found it so difficult to even do a food order because when I'm depressed I don't feel hungry at all and I didn't remember what I had at home.

I just ordered some basic meals and mostly snack stuff like cereals and crackers.

For breakfast I had leftovers because I knew even though I told her that my hands break painfully when carrying excess things, she would insist I take it.

I wasn't even hungry but to avoid lifting the bags which are already heavy I just ate something. The only thing I packed was some lemon drizzle cake and that was it.

I already felt dizzy and queasy. I went downstairs around 1.20pm and was just standing there, until the idiot driver arrived 20 minutes later, at 1.40pm instead of 1.30pm.

Sometimes they arrive early and with 4 bags, I might as well just wait downstairs, instead of rushing.

This twit is sitting down as per usual so I'm struggling with all these bags and every time I open the passenger door, my bags slam it shut.

My mama comes down shouting at the guy for being late. Then the clown decides to get up off his arse and open the car boot, doesn't ask if maybe he could take a bag from me.....

No no no, so I am trying to shuffle forward painfully with these bags. He decides I'm not moving fast enough and what does the bastard do?

Says......Ahh okay, you just sit them at the back with you. He shuts the car boot and walks calmly back to his seat.

What an asshole!!! My mama does offer a hand but I'm just irritated at this point so I just dismiss her and say I got it.

Eventually manage to get the door open, dump the bags in and sit down.

The fuckwit has the cheek to ask if I'm okay? I roll my eyes and say yep, just chronic pain. I slide my headphones on and close my eyes.

I'm listening to music and trying to break away the tension in my mind.

We arrive and I just literally throw my bags on the floor and climb out. I'm tired, my hands are killing me and I feel I want to vomit.

I wanted to nap but if I did, I wouldn't hear the buzzer when the shopping arrives.

I just lounge on my bed, skip lunch and have a drink, hoping that will settle my tummy.

Then when the food does arrive, I unpack the heavy bags and go back to lounging. I figure I should eat, but can't stomach a full meal so I just have some crackers.

I didn't have an early night but I was so shattered that I think I fell asleep much faster than normal.

I didn't wake up until 12pm which is wonderful for me as usually it's just about 5 hours sleep.

I knew my body needed to rest as well as my mind so I feel no pain at the moment and slightly better.

I did have breakfast if you can call it that at lunchtime and I'm looking forward to yoghurt later with some crunchy, nutty, oaty muesli that I haven't eaten for maybe a year.

I think I just need to overall stop looking for approval from my family because one, I'm never going to get it and two, most of me has now stopped caring.

I need to make peace with how they justify criminals in a higher respected regard and me who has always tried to be a good person as beneath them and not worth their time, attention and thoughts.

I just need to live for myself and continue trying to conquer new challenges and be proud of myself for trying my best and attempting personal growth and dealing with health issues, the best way I know how.

It may not be pretty or uplifting but these methods work for me, as someone who struggles to share and feel good about myself.

You could try to be happy 24-7 and look on the bright side of things but then you're not being true to yourself.

Being ill means you have to take the good and the bad and it's fine to say, you know what?? I'm not at my best.

I'm in crippling pain and I don't feel like being positive because I'm feeling really sorry for myself and I don't want to hide the pain anymore.

That's actually brave and healthy. You might feel self conscious at first but it's just acknowledging your needs.

I normally text my mama to say I arrived home safe but yesterday I didn't because I'm still angry with her.

If I think about it, both my parents fucked my head up and chipped away at my self esteem all throughout my life.

I wish it was something I could grow out of but every time I am with family, the same shit happens.

It's like all my achievements go out the window. Every good feeling perishes.

I try to be tough and thick skinned and for a while it works and then eventually day in and day out. I just die inside.

It's not all bad, there are some light hearted moments but the bad is outweighing the good.

I think when someone isn't acknowledging someone's flaws.. I don't know, for me it's like saying they never did anything wrong at all and that just destroys me.

I think it's the fact that she gloats about the other two as though they are Kings and doesn't critique them but with me, she is quick to point out my mistakes and flaws continuously, over and over again.

Being verbally attacked was so hard to talk about in the first place and the fact that family was doing it, was shameful but now it's like their slate has been wiped clean and I'm supposed to forget being tortured?

Fearing for my life, each day???? Like it was nothing. They keep uttering how much marked improvement they have made and yet still have violent outbursts.

Still expect things to be perfect and how they wish them to be. One of them was staying with mama's friend who is elderly and is now forgetting a lot of things.

He doesn't offer any money to stay there, I'm guessing, although does offer to do chores. (Never for my mama) and because she was getting muddled and not doing certain things, he was aggressively shouting so loudly that she was in tears.

Even my mama said, do not shout, lower your voice but in the same breath she will say, she agrees with him.

This person has probably given him hundreds of pounds probably more like thousands) and let's him stay whenever he is local as mama doesn't have a spare room.

Granted, she can afford it and enjoys the company but still he can't keep his temper in check and expects to sleep in, when the hosts is an early riser??

You see it's that type of shit, that pisses me off. My mama doesn't see anything wrong with this behaviour. She was saying Ohh he can't even sleep in, when he's there.

He's a fucking guest! An ungrateful shit at that! He should be at a hotel paying heavy fees. The bastard doesn't even pay back his own mama with the kickbacks he receives.

He owes her maybe a grand that he's stolen by selling her computers, using her credit cards, buying and shifting various items, over the years..

And yet he and the other one are saints, that are just darlingly perfect in everybody's eyes.

Do you get how much that pisses me off? Because I see the evil that is there. I see the people behind the masks.

I don't get how she doesn't see it!!! Yet I should be like them???!!!

Hah!!! No thanks, I would rather treat people with respect and not take advantage, sorry but that's just me, I have my own morals to live by so I can look myself in the mirror and not be ashamed!

***Two last things I forgot to add***

Happy New Year to my wonderful readers. My brain is overloaded at the moment so trying to think clearly is an uphill battle.

Secondly I try not to get involved but even with headphones, I can gather word for word the entire conversation.

I pointed out in a mild tone to stop mentioning a certain action which her friend for some reason doesn't want to do, even though it would benefit her.

It ends up frustrating both of them and then I said avoid the other thing, which you don't like but she does.

It's obvious. Mama agrees and says that sounds plausible and better.

I figure now I don't get to hear about it and what happens the next time she talks to her friend?

She harps on about the sameeeeee thing. Ugh, like talking to a brick wall. No fun at all.

You're right, I don't know why I bother either. *shrugs*