#AgonyLife12 - Dear SS I'm alone for the holidays, how do I survive it?

Firstly just go with how you're feeling at this moment. The holidays can be an emotional time for us all.

I'm just going to attempt to flip it around though.. Think of it like this maybe..?

*A Christmas/Holiday date with yourself*

*Nobody looking over your shoulder or starting fights*

*Complete control of the TV remote*

*Eating whatever and whenever you want*

*No painful small talk*

*Sublime uninterrupted snorey naps Zzz*

*Your choice of festive/non festive music*

*Gaming in peace for hours, guilt free :D*

*Reading your favourite blog/book/paper (hint hint)*

I could go on the but I hope you can see what I'm trying to say.

You can still find a way to be happy and get through this time of year. 

Christmas heart to heart

I can't recall the last time I had such a peaceful, dramaless holiday. 

Last month it turned out to be just me and mum for Christmas and it hasn't been just us for years. 

No arguments, no fear, no walking on eggshells. Sheer relaxation and contentment.

The other two were out of the picture and I'm sorry but I was just relieved. 

It was so down to earth and homey. We just let the festive playlists run and we sang along, watched every cutesy Christmas themed film we could and talked.

I decompressed and confronted my many fears about writing, expectations and confidence and my mum towards the end of the trip, once again apologised to me for expecting me to be the perfect daughter. 

It was too hard to hear and I mean't it when I said, there was no need. 

I omitted the part where I deduced that the reason she picked on me, was that I was defenceless. 

The boys were frighteningly aggressive and confrontational and I was completely destroyed and hollow as a person. 

The reason I decided not to give my opinion was because she kept blaming herself for being a bad parent but the only mistakes she made was the lack of discipline and consequences that weren't enforced. 

Every time my siblings did something horrendous she took the blame and covered it up. 

They never took any responsibility and learn't they could intimidate anyone in the house to get what they wanted without fear of reprisals. 

They are grownups who bully inside the home but outside are respectful and courteous.

I had no ego. I was empty and a shell of a person. A very easy target to my parents jabs. 

They had the idea they were motivating me to be better but when you are completely bare and emotionally beaten. There is no step ladder to success.

My writing, being able to finally express myself and share a piece of me, saved my life.

I didn't see that coming

It's quite strange as this will be the first Christmas in many years I've not spent with her. I don't really feel depressed just sort of a tad empty.

It's definitely for the best though as the alternative is me being on edge and probably calling an emergency cab to take me home. 

I have killer cramps at the moment so trying to just sleep late and relax as much as possible. I couldn't do that if I was away from home.

I got talking to a few guys in the same boat as me and some even asked me to join them but I could never do that. Meeting someone quickly without vetting them. 

I just don't feel that desperate need to reach out and take that risk and possibly be emotionally or physically hurt again.

I was talking to my friend tonight and just explaining how I like the idea of relationships and romance but the reality is just a trainwreck for me. 

Everyone I know has had at least one healthy normal relationship but I never did.

I don't understand why most if not all of them tried to make me feel bad about myself. I wasn't big headed. 

I may have joked that I was irrisistable but anyone that really knew me would know how I struggled with my body image and self esteem issues, so why did I always get the masqueraders?

They put on such a believable act, friendly, good manners, respectful and then the name calling and button pushing on my deepest fears would slowly begin. 

It confused my thoughts and I gave them the benefit of the doubt until it happened again. 

Toxic.

I would rather just not bother. The world can think what they like about me. I just want a quiet life and to be left alone to deal with my own dramas.

I spoke to my mum tonight and she told me matter of factly that the eldest child intends to be there for another Christmas this year so I'm not really sure how to take that. 

I assumed we would have alternate years with the family but it feels like I've been kicked out of all the festivities.

I almost said something about it but then I figured if that's the way they all want to celebrate, I'm not going to stand in the way. It is a bit of a kick in the teeth. 

To not even let me be part of the discussion but it's pretty much them always calling the shots and her being passive, so be it. I'll just have to create my own traditions and festive cheer.

She did invite me for New Years when the holiday season is almost over but I'll see how it goes. 

This year I'm still tied up with my schedule so it might end up the same way this December. No spending time with the family at all but it's starting to bother me less the more I think about it.

I am just beginning to care less and wash my hands of it all. Less fuss, no travel, my own spacious bed and my choice of goodies, which includes takeout as I am not a domestic goddess.