#BlogLife1099 - Officially on holiday/Tissue box hack

After speaking to Mama yesterday, the lift has been fixed and I will cab it to her, maybe Sunday or Monday so I'm taking my break now and haven't decided if I'll want to post while I'm away.

I feel I do need some downtime, some irresponsibility, with feeling rundown and not sleeping well, I'm a lil burnt out really.

The laptop frequently overheating and then freezing has been really annoying me but I've found a solution..

I just use my cooling laptop tray as a regular placement without the fan element as that's broken.

Now whenever I'm not writing, what I do, is place my tissue box on the lapdesk, then balance my laptop on it and boom, no more overheating, it works a treat.

So that's my shared hack, if you find it useful great. I'm just charging my electric toothbrush and will probably change the head.

It won't take me long to pack although half my laundry is still wet, ugh, always leaving at the worst possible time..

I wasn't sure what to eat but I have leftover rice, so I can cook the sticky chicken strips and have it with that.

I saw a pair of slippers I liked no red or purple shade though, boo.. I chose silver instead.

I am lifeless but all set for today (Sunday), 1hr30 minutes to kill as she changed the time to 3pmish.

But I changed my duvet and sheet, which was brutal and washed it, oof so tiring..

I trimmed my hair yesterday and actually it's behaving neatly, just about had the energy to wash it.

I'm packed but waiting until nearer the time to add the yoghurt to my overnight bag, plus my charger.

Then I will lower the boiler, take off all switches and lock up. Oh I should walk with the cake too...

Must have birthday cake, well ordinary with sprinkles, but Mama doesn't have any.

I feel bloated but decided to brave wearing the other new top, red leopard print, skin tight, but fits comfy and it's super cute.

It's still strange to view myself slimmer. Either I've reached my target weight/size or I am very close.

If I have, I'll still aim for another stone, my tum still seems oversized.

But I'm proud of myself, I look a lot healthier, less weight to carry around.

Less pressure on my body straining itself and clothes are fitting much snugglier, showing off the curves...

It would look better if I wasn't top heavy, but the twins as I call them are just there.

I'm sick of wearing baggy clothes and hiding away. I want to feel svelte and feminine.

There is going to be no more crazy weight gain. I have overhauled my eating habits.

No alcohol, barely red meat except for beef, lots more veggy/vegan options..

Drinking tons of water, exercising when I feel like it, I'm so bad at that..

Not eating late, or excessively when I'm bored but still having a hearty appetite to consume 2x meals a day, plus snacks.

Simple rules but it worked for me, no more denying carbs or sugar or that nonsense, everything in moderation.

I did really well, these past few years. My face is still round/squareish, I can't really tell..

It would be nicer to slim down my thighs, arms and tum.. Hopefully I'll recognise, the right time to stop consciously trying to lose more.

I'm not there yet though. I'm waiting to eat at Mama's, macaroni cheese, maybe a sandwich or toastie also.

It's lunchtime and I don't feel thirsty or hungry, just tired, although had a good night's block of sleep, til 6/7am and then a bit sketchy..

I wonder if she'll like the fudge? I wonder if it's good quality? I have sugary cravings at the moment, sometimes it gets tempered when drinking water, sometimes it intensifies..

Time to relax now, just over an hourish to wait... Just a lil note which is funny to me..

Her so-called friend charged me twice the cab fare amount I usually pay, so a hefty £40..

Supposed to be a saving but it was not the case, even when she's recovering from a hand sprain, I've never heard a single one of her driving friends offering to pick up groceries for her..

Seems quite one sided as she'll offer to run errands for them, without a car and suffering with chronic pain..

Anyway it's half breezy, half humid here, I didn't sleep the best. I'm just waiting for a breakfast fruit selection and an eggy avocado baguette and apple juice to get here..

Plus a chicken salad baguette for later or tomorrow, I changed my mind, can't face food yet, maybe a nap?

I put a picture on twitter, hmm, where did my appetite go? At 6/7am I felt famished...

#AgonyLife12 - Dear SS I'm alone for the holidays, how do I survive it?

Firstly just go with how you're feeling at this moment. The holidays can be an emotional time for us all.

I'm just going to attempt to flip it around though.. Think of it like this maybe..?

*A Christmas/Holiday date with yourself*

*Nobody looking over your shoulder or starting fights*

*Complete control of the TV remote*

*Eating whatever and whenever you want*

*No painful small talk*

*Sublime uninterrupted snorey naps Zzz*

*Your choice of festive/non festive music*

*Gaming in peace for hours, guilt free :D*

*Reading your favourite blog/book/paper (hint hint)*

I could go on the but I hope you can see what I'm trying to say.

You can still find a way to be happy and get through this time of year. 

Christmas heart to heart

I can't recall the last time I had such a peaceful, dramaless holiday. 

Last month it turned out to be just me and mum for Christmas and it hasn't been just us for years. 

No arguments, no fear, no walking on eggshells. Sheer relaxation and contentment.

The other two were out of the picture and I'm sorry but I was just relieved. 

It was so down to earth and homey. We just let the festive playlists run and we sang along, watched every cutesy Christmas themed film we could and talked.

I decompressed and confronted my many fears about writing, expectations and confidence and my mum towards the end of the trip, once again apologised to me for expecting me to be the perfect daughter. 

It was too hard to hear and I mean't it when I said, there was no need. 

I omitted the part where I deduced that the reason she picked on me, was that I was defenceless. 

The boys were frighteningly aggressive and confrontational and I was completely destroyed and hollow as a person. 

The reason I decided not to give my opinion was because she kept blaming herself for being a bad parent but the only mistakes she made was the lack of discipline and consequences that weren't enforced. 

Every time my siblings did something horrendous she took the blame and covered it up. 

They never took any responsibility and learn't they could intimidate anyone in the house to get what they wanted without fear of reprisals. 

They are grownups who bully inside the home but outside are respectful and courteous.

I had no ego. I was empty and a shell of a person. A very easy target to my parents jabs. 

They had the idea they were motivating me to be better but when you are completely bare and emotionally beaten. There is no step ladder to success.

My writing, being able to finally express myself and share a piece of me, saved my life.

I didn't see that coming

It's quite strange as this will be the first Christmas in many years I've not spent with her. I don't really feel depressed just sort of a tad empty.

It's definitely for the best though as the alternative is me being on edge and probably calling an emergency cab to take me home. 

I have killer cramps at the moment so trying to just sleep late and relax as much as possible. I couldn't do that if I was away from home.

I got talking to a few guys in the same boat as me and some even asked me to join them but I could never do that. Meeting someone quickly without vetting them. 

I just don't feel that desperate need to reach out and take that risk and possibly be emotionally or physically hurt again.

I was talking to my friend tonight and just explaining how I like the idea of relationships and romance but the reality is just a trainwreck for me. 

Everyone I know has had at least one healthy normal relationship but I never did.

I don't understand why most if not all of them tried to make me feel bad about myself. I wasn't big headed. 

I may have joked that I was irrisistable but anyone that really knew me would know how I struggled with my body image and self esteem issues, so why did I always get the masqueraders?

They put on such a believable act, friendly, good manners, respectful and then the name calling and button pushing on my deepest fears would slowly begin. 

It confused my thoughts and I gave them the benefit of the doubt until it happened again. 

Toxic.

I would rather just not bother. The world can think what they like about me. I just want a quiet life and to be left alone to deal with my own dramas.

I spoke to my mum tonight and she told me matter of factly that the eldest child intends to be there for another Christmas this year so I'm not really sure how to take that. 

I assumed we would have alternate years with the family but it feels like I've been kicked out of all the festivities.

I almost said something about it but then I figured if that's the way they all want to celebrate, I'm not going to stand in the way. It is a bit of a kick in the teeth. 

To not even let me be part of the discussion but it's pretty much them always calling the shots and her being passive, so be it. I'll just have to create my own traditions and festive cheer.

She did invite me for New Years when the holiday season is almost over but I'll see how it goes. 

This year I'm still tied up with my schedule so it might end up the same way this December. No spending time with the family at all but it's starting to bother me less the more I think about it.

I am just beginning to care less and wash my hands of it all. Less fuss, no travel, my own spacious bed and my choice of goodies, which includes takeout as I am not a domestic goddess.