#BlogLife895 - Witch's Insanity interrogation part thousand.. *rolls eyes*

To recap, the last I heard from Witchy was I can't recall if it was January or April?

But I do know that she said You didn't cooperate and give me what I wanted, aka the balance affecting statements....

Pfft I gave you the whole bloody statement, you're just too spiteful and lazy to go through it!!

Any excuse to rile me up and have a go at me. Anyway I just checked to see if I had any post and low and behold there was a letter.

Oh yea and the last thing she said was Wait to hear back regarding a final decision which will typically result in a fine.

I have to talk to my supervisor and this has been dragging on since October and I don't want it taking up anymore of my time.

Blah blah blah. But I've always seen through her, she takes months and months to give updates and it's always to say.....

Do this or that..... She has no intention of resolving this situation. Her goal in life is to stress me out.

Oh sorry also her other demand, (she said I had a choice, but I didn't), was to grant access to my entire bank history so fine, I did it.

Now today's condescending, letter asks yet more questions, to which I've answered already but yet still continues to interrogate me, saying reply by Thursday.

Um I just got it, so unfortunately have to go out next week, will probably do the library printouts too, or maybe an eyebrow shape.

I'm not sure, it depends how I feel but I literally had to go over some details with Mama, as I have a giant foggy memory.

All this is surrounding the time when I was recently released from hospital and I just blocked things out.

Even when I was recuperating at home, I felt I was going through the motions. I couldn't think straight for maybe a year or more?

I'm not sure, there were too many traumas. My brain just shut down and had enough and said Hey, rest, heal, cope as best as you can, forget the rest.

Also I was on a ton of medications, of which I just stopped taking after I while, they were driving me insane.

Paranoia and numbness was a lethal combination, plus I didn't want to get addicted, my family was full of druggies already, that would not be me!

The doctors were not happy, ha screw em, it was my body, my decision and my life.

And so because of all that, plus grieving, it's so hard to recall specific details, I'm struggling and she wants precisey, precisey.

I told Mama she reminds me of a diva Columbo, Just one more thing......... And that although I'm always polite to her, even though she is disrespectful...

In my head I keep repeating W W W W, witch! Mama has a theory that she's deliberately pushing my buttons to try and trip me up.

But I'm consistently telling the truth, I haven't deviated from that and that is why she gets angry and ridicules me constantly because in her mind, she wants a different outcome.

She wants me to lose my cool, shout back at her and confess to her version of what she believes is the truth, not the actual circumstances.

My life has been a horror show. I still get the feeling, she's waiting for the day, that I say.... Oh you got me, I didn't spend money on bills and groceries...

Actually it was tiaras, jewels, trips to Barbados, eating at the Ritz hotels, buying designer clothes...

Skiing vacations, I can't even think of anything else far fetched? Spas? 

VIP nightclubs? Cruises? Ok I'll stop but you see my point hopefully, that's why she keeps hounding me, she wants to hear all of the above, maybe all the previous people were like that?

Who knows, I will let the evidence speak for itself, the paypal and bank histories.

What actually happened, for anyone interested in facts.... Hmm I'm hesitating about sharing all the personal stuff, but maybe it will help...

Ok, here it is, my health conditions were starting to get worse, the pain was constant, I was struggling with walking and using my hands. My legs used to burn when I went anywhere.

But my Papa got sick and needed someone to take care of him, so I was nominated for this as I wasn't in employment.

It was a horrendous time in my life. I felt like I could barely function, let alone take care of someone else.

Bu I did what I could, only for people to jump down my throat and say I wasn't doing a good job, I was slacking off.

Because what I did, when Papa slept, I was shattered, my bones were killing me, I laid downstairs on the couch and slept and because I dared to rest, I was this useless carer and human being.

Let me mention the fact that I didn't get paid, he was really ungrateful and I didn't get fed either.

I was there maybe from 9am to possibly 7pm? All week. I ran his errands, made meals and most of the time, I wanted to weep, the pain was intense.

And I was starving all day. Mama insisted I pay rent, and then I had my own bills, yet she let the other two, run up debts in her name.

So I was lucky if I could afford to buy bread and sandwich fillings. I had a healthy appetite, even though I got called fat constantly.

And if you are wondering, when I would go out to buy my Papa's lunch and ask if he could pay for mine as I didn't have any money.

His reply was Sorry, I can't afford it! So even though I wanted to call him a liar, I accepted it and just went without eating all day.

So then suddenly food was an elusive luxury item. I went home exhausted each night, made a snack, watched television and then probably tried to sleep.

Then I've mentioned the rest, his brother and sister were after his money so they whispered in his ear, your daughter is stealing from you, confront her and kick her out.

And I got this devastating call. He was yelling saying I was this untrustworthy heinous person who was bad and unwelcome.

My parents were experts at painting me as this pathetic loser and finally I got so angry I snapped back.

Hard for me to do when I always feared the repercussions but enough was enough.

I sacrificed my time, my energy on looking after you, and you accuse me of this????

No I wasn't having it so I told him I didn't want anything to do with him unless he apologised and took it all back.

My friends were like Oh stop overreacting that's your parent but when you've been bullied and verbally abused all of your life, you get to a breaking point and you think Sod off!

I am a good decent helpful honest person. Why do I deserve abuse???

Eventually he did apologise and I said I forgave him because that was what was expected but I never thought of him fondly after that.

He trashed my trust in him and I was so damn frail to begin with. No self worth whatsoever.

Soon after he passed, I got the inheritance, I told the Jobby about it and then I landed in hospital fighting for my life, touch and go..... Intensive care, couldn't breathe or move.

And half the time I prayed for death, told the nurses I wanted to die and half the time, I felt guilty for abandoning my Mama, leaving her with her demon spawn.

So I was released from hospital six weeks later, paid off my debts. Won maybe my first proper prize, a beach hamper.

A year later was kicked out of home and lived in a hotel for a few months still on crutches.

A chunk of the inheritance went on the hotel fees and debts, the other was cab fares, I didn't really want to leave the hotel room and go outside, although I did get cabin fever a lot.

Then I moved in to my place and had to get cleaners, wooden flooring, blinds, furniture, and the utilities insisted I pay the previous tenants bills that he skipped out on.

So I ask you, is that a frivolous party lifestyle? Can you understand why I have a contentious relationship with both my parents??

I was forever hailed as the useless idiot overweight daughter. Too stupid to accomplish anything in their eyes.

Do you get now why I struggle to feel good about myself? Why I've worked so hard to be kind and supportive and boost my own ego?

Why I don't trust anyone? Why I never let anyone in or even close to me? Why I definitely do not date??

It took a lot of healing to get where I am now, and still I struggle.

Just one last thing that explains my love/hate relationship with my family.

Before she kicked me out, my Mama turned to me and said I blame you for your brother's behaviour.

You're a bad sister and that's why he is the way he is, stealing, abusive, hateful. It's all your fault.

You should have been a better person, a better example. She never once held them accountable, it was always me.

I was the despicable, evil, daughter/sister/human being. Do you know what it feels like to hear that constant disappointment?

To be looked upon as scum? Well that's what I grew up with, everyone piling on the hate for me, for simply daring to exist in their orbit.

It's no wonder I didn't want to exist either. That's all for today. I just don't want to think about it anymore, stay in the past where you belong.

Society seems to revere boys/men no matter how disgusting they are but women/girls are to be stepped on and humiliated.

That's why I want to champion females, lift them up, show them they aren't alone, their feelings are real and important and they can achieve anything they set their minds too.

If you are a female and you're reading this, You are a delight in any room you walk in too.

Hold your head up high, you are right where you belong :)

Why can't I stop adding to this post?

I think it's just slowly bringing up things I tried to forget.

As I spoke to Mama yesterday, I swallowed my irritation at something she said.

Oh I couldn't even mention lawyers/the incident/compensation to you.

I thought Do you know why??? I wanted desperately to forget, to cope, to battle the depression that was engulfing me from the inside out.

Each moment reliving it, panic attacks, shakes, waking up terrified I was still in that moment.

And all her friends wanted me to relieve an excruciating part of my life. Tactless!

But Mama wanted the compensation money to cover her debts that her sons bled gloatily ran up in her name proudly.

She didn't care how I felt, so after I had to go over it again with Police and lawyers, thankfully they said I didn't really have a case.

Inwardly I jumped for joy. Trauma is best left hidden until you have the strength to face it, Not when people bully you into it.

I could barely stand, walk or have it in me to face anyone, yet once again at my lowest point, I'm cornered and made to talk about what I went through.

And insensitive people congratulating me on living through it. I was a mess, that was the last thing I wanted to hear.

Living at home was still scary. The pain was unbearable and functions were limited, yet everyone wanted me to jump for joy.

To all of you that piled on to my self torture and self loathing...

Sighs, take a good hard look at yourself, think before you speak, be aware that battles are not always faced, conquered and finished with, some linger years/decades afterwards.

Don't expect someone to heal on your timeframe. Have some consideration people are protecting themselves and trying to focus elsewhere.

And for heaven's sake Ask what they feel comfy sharing, don't presume!!

You're doing more harm than good otherwise, take it from me, I'm still facing things as though it were a fresh occurrence.

Hopefully that's it and I can move on to today's post and not let brekkie/lunch get cold.

#BlogLife815 - I can't say, I can't explain, I don't like myself

I'm going to be petty and add this last bit from Yesterday's post as I want to get all the negativity out.

I am worried about my physical and mental health now. The heated blankie helps me recover that much faster and I have the latest mystery pain at the moment.

My left shoulder is hurting from doing any sort of stretching with it.

And of course being able to write is also very beneficial. It means that I'm not drowning in emotions, I can share what's on my mind and deal with it.

In the past I have shut down completely and it hasn't turned out well.

I've now eaten some sandwiches and feel calmer. The chicken and rice didn't appeal at all. It was a dull flavour.

Anyway I think when I was preparing the food and able to think rationally..

I found myself pretty angry that I was feeling forced to apologise over and over to her, that she couldn't hear me.

I even said Good morning, having checked the time and she laughed at my respectful politeness and repeated it.

That is the way I was raised to be courteous to others and she's continually being nasty or sarcastic and I have to put up with it!!!

I feel crummy and let down with myself because I can't confront her and be equally rude as she holds all the cards.

I guess I'm feeling like a doormat and not proud of myself that I'm unable to say, I'm a human being with feelings, could you readjust your attitude as it is horrendous and you should be ashamed of yourself!

It just reminds me of other times with friends, family, acquaintances that mistreated me and for various reasons like fear, I stayed silent and took it.

Or I couldn't form an articulate response back and was worried about sounding pathetic and not justified and clever.

But again, it helps to explain and share these frustrations with you so Thank you for reading, listening and understanding or at least trying to meet me halfway, even if you don't quite get where I'm coming from.

I appreciate it all the same.

Sometimes I feel heaps better, my appetite comes and goes but I'm still feeling drained.

I did a grocery shop for tomorrow though. I'm going to do some homemade style burgers with various fillings.

And for some strange reason I decided to try out Nando's garlic perinaise sauce.

It's £3.50 a 465g bottle, I always like the garlic and herb sauces. I like mayonnaise so maybe a combination will be tasty.

I hope it's not too spicy but maybe the heat will flush out the remaining cold?

I do like sriracha but the one I tasted before was really mild. I'm also going to try the linguine but dump the prawns as I can't stand those.

And I'm happy that the huge Lil duck max kitchen towels are back in stock as well as the creamy chicken bakes, those were both really high quality, so I stocked up.

#BlogLife637 - Ouch! What did you just say...?

Song of the day - Ed Sheeran/Cardi B/Camila Camello - South Of The Border

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICrnFX0_LOc&list=WL&index=45

I know once I discover a new artist, I look for more songs from them that I might enjoy, but that's the last of the Camila songs for a while, until I discover more.

I had a late morning, making sure I caught up on the lost sleep, even though I napped yesterday.

I didn't even game in bed, I think I drifted off fairly quickly, which again is unheard of with my insomnia but my body obviously needed the rest.

Then when I was drifting in and out of consciousness, I was thinking about what I'm going to write about today.

To be honest I had no clue, sometimes there is an abundance of ideas, other times I really struggle.

I generally began thinking about yesterday and if there was anything more I could discuss and I realised there was.

A reminder for the regulars and new information for the newbies, I grew up pretty meek and shied away from any disagreements or conflicts because I didn't feel strong enough to handle it.

Plus I felt I wouldn't be able to articulate my point across with much clarity.

I was really opposed to looking foolish, I had zero confidence and conviction in myself and everyone around was a critical audience.

Anyway the more I got to know myself and got comfortable with knowing what I wanted and what I would tolerate from others, I started vocalising my opposition, to the way I was disrespected.

It's still difficult, I still struggle, I pick my battles but I feel like I'm more inclined to speak up, except with family, that's just too unsafe, mentally and physically.

Yesterday I think because of the lack of sleep, I felt really on edge and temperamental.

I think my filter was removed. I can be really tolerable, not if someones being rude but if they are just wanting something that I'm unhappy to provide, I may just go along because I'm not 100% against it.

Now some of the chatrooms have this microphone feature which is separate to the webcam, so almost like a phone chat, without revealing your face.

And one of the randoms talked me into it but I'm a voice person, if I hate the voice, then it's not a relaxing time.

Not to get sidetracked but I was thinking why I like deep voices.

It could be because the majority, well all of them really, were just so immature, that they lied and mistreated me constantly.

Out of all of them, only maybe 1 or 2 had pleasing voices. One in particular, knew what he wanted from a partner and out of life.

Even though he was totally wrong for me, I respected that side of him.

Maybe I associate a deep voice, with maturity? And that's why I gravitate towards it?

Anyway so we had this voice chat and at first I thought Oh okay, not bad and then I thought, No, it's my type of voice, plus it kept disconnecting.

In the end, it just felt unpleasant. I felt really uncomfortable and he wasn't horrible just flirty-ish, which made it worse.

Yesterday, with my truth hurts, no nonsense approach, I had been putting off telling him and I just blurted it out, all the things that were bothering me about him.

He kept asking me for pictures and I kept saying NO. But he still carried on, which got me closer to the breaking point.

I don't like my wishes ignored, that's disrespectful. So I just said to him, please don't ask me for any photos, I've already made myself clear.

And I won't be taking anymore voice chats because I don't feel comfortable with it.

I felt a lil mean and harsh as I typically do, when I put my needs above someone else's but I also felt relieved and better for speaking my mind.

The funny thing was, as he was questioning why, he came out with this speech that he didn't mean.

Oh I see, sorry you feel that way, I don't ever want to make you feel uncomfortable and I said Thank you, I appreciate that.

Then he stopped talking ha! So I blocked him.

The correct response I was hoping for is this..... I didn't realise how you felt.

It wasn't my intention to cause you any discomfort, thanks for sharing how you feel, I accept your decision, let's move on.

Ha, I rarely get that reaction! Another random was just asking me personal questions and I said No, I'm not going to go into details.

Typically I get......... Ohhhhhh okkkkkk. Completely sarcastic and bitter.

Instead of.. I respect your answer, let's talk about something else.

If I flip it back on myself and someone says something harsh but truthful, not to hurt me, but to express an opinion.

It might sting, I might feel attacked or sensitive but once that feeling calms down..

I'll think alright, I don't agree, here is why but I'm not going to go ballistic on them for speaking their mind, even though we are not on the same page.

If however someone is being direct but vicious on purpose, then I will happily rip them apart because there are ways to say things, that don't offend people.

You can't hurt for the sake of hurting but you can put your point across sincerely and explain why you feel that way, while respecting them as a person.

Suffice to say I blocked him as well, because the sarcasm normally continues as do the questions, they ignore my boundaries or they become belligerent and chats are supposed to be de-stressing not an all out war.

#BlogLife618 - The family mood

Song of the day - Touch Me - Poonam Singh/Natural Black

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37-3k80VKsY&list=FLI0DEk_aDykRP0sJnme-JBg&index=1

When I'm surrounded by family I feel some repressed anger and resentments come out.

I feel I've spared their feelings enough and it's not nice but a part of me feels better for telling the truth as I see it because no matter how respectful I say certain things it's ignored.

I can only repeat myself so many times calmly before I snap. Mama has selective hearing and can be hurtful, meaning or not meaning too.

I just feel hormonal at present so that just makes everything worse I miss blogging so I don't think I'll post this but the others I have saved up.

On the whole we are getting on well but she brings up things which irritate me.

For example, lets load up your bags with leftovers when you leave and I have explained a million times, that my hands collapse with chronic pain with the strain of carrying heavy objects.

They crick, they get sore, they stiffen and the more I use them, I suffer a lot, so I avoid overloading them.

So spitefully, I just matter of fact retorted, Oh you know what I did when you filled my bags?

I threw all your food in the nearest bin and she was surprised but said Alright you don't need to take it with you.

What does she not understand about chronic pain?? I just get vex and vex and this time I did not apologise because I wanted it to hit home, that she is causing me physical pain and it's not great to deal with.

If it's prolonged pain, it can get to the point, where I can't use my hands at all without screaming in agony.

I do not want to reach that far. Why should I suffer needlessly to make her feel better??

She's well aware of my limitations and yet, it's the same argument over and over.

Enough!!

That really wasn't a big deal as confrontations go but I think another issue I have with her, is the other usual one.

My ears bleed hearing her praise the other two psychopaths as though they are good people, while my name is barely spoken in any depth or detail.

I've realised that although she's read past stories and enjoyed them, she hasn't read any of the latest ones.

Aka the BookLife set because as much as she claims to want to read them, she can't be bothered.

I feel like at least if she read some of the longer ones, she would get a better sense of me and my writing.

But I have too much pride to beg her and I really shouldn't have too anyway, is my feeling.

I think she's embarrassed of me being a writer. I don't think she respects that choice at all.

If I was a millionaire bestseller it would be different, she would have something to brag about.

I assume that's why she doesn't tell anyone. It's a dirty secret from her waste of space daughter, that's how she makes me feel.

But I'm proud of my abilities and happy that I have this gift. In person I may not be the most sociable, but in writing form, you can't get me to be silent ha :)

My good mood isn't shaken now that I've shared that with you, I feel better about myself.

I've never claimed to be the best, but I'm not talentless either!!

It's 11.26pm on New Year's Eve but I'm freezing cold and stiff so want to sleep soon.

Happy New Year to you and you and you :)

Have you tried the Terry's chocolate orange egg? I assumed I would hate it because of an orangey goo inside but it's nothing like that.

Just blended orange flavouring which is tasty. Plus we just sampled the Terry's snowball bar which taste similar to something else, that we can't recall.

No goo once again just a different sort of blend, I recommend them both. Not over-sweetened.

It's been a strange day, I went off meat and desserts just because of hormones.

I just opted for plain roti with butter for breakfast and dinner was a fried egg sandwich.

There were snacks in between like bombay mix, crisps, grapes, yoghurt.

Corfresh products were always seasoned well but over salted but the Gujarati Mix is yummy and mild, it just needed nuts added.

Oops I've been spelling that wrong all this time, it's Cofresh. My mistake.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll go back to less cramps and a better appetite.

I'm sorry that some themes are recurring but being at home with family, that's what happens.

I feel small and insignificant and have to build my self-esteem back up each time.

I do feel better sharing it and it's always better not to suffer in silence but it might make boring reading.

Which is why I'm still sprinkling BookLife and the Spoofs around, until I return home.

You may or may not have read them before but I feel it's all relevant and entertaining.

#BlogLife442 - Six Dicless minutes

I'm ecstatic that I came home to find my lippys neatly bundled up. 

I'm always afraid it will spill but the seller sellotaped them together plus added fragile to the padded envelope which was really considerate.

The gold and pink colour is standard but the purple seems more on the pink/red side which is disappointing.

It was drizzling so I don't have much light to work with. I really struggle when it's dark to see properly so I'll re-try them on a clearer day.

I got home about 3pm and I arrived 1.45pm 15 minutes before my appointment at 2pm so because he is an inconsiderate Dic!

I had two choices, either I wait at the bus stop, where I can sit down but it's freezing cold today.

Or I wait indoors where there are no seats and my body is going to scream in pain.

I decided sitting and shivering was the best thing for me. Anyone else would think about hmm, my next client has health problems........Let me not keep her waiting...

Especially as I am a Dic about her being punctual!

Anyway just a few minutes before 2pm I set off, it's just a 2 minute walk, it's really close, thankfully.

I call him up.......... The idiot, doesn't answer. I am just pacing and leaning against the wall, struggling to keep my balance.

The fool eventually strolls in casually. Anybody, would apologise and say, right let's commence with the meeting.

This Dic just says Oh you're here. Why he's always bloody surprised to see me, is beyond my comprehension.

Then he says oh ok, well I'll see you in a bit. WTF!!!!

Loads of his colleagues pass me by and ask if I'm alright because everything is starting to ache and there's no comfortable stance to be in.

If I lean against the wall, my hands are throbbing. If I pace, my legs feel wobbly and as though I won't be able to stand without collapsing.

Finally his highness deigns to come down and I say, I would like to ask a favour.

That you not give me anymore lunchtime appointments as I don't want to be here waiting for you any longer.

This idiot tries to justify himself. Oh I didn't keep you waiting for that long, just six minutes!!!!

Again, no respectful apology or embarrassment or feeling. Such an ass!

So I just retort, yes to you as an able bodied person six minutes is nothing.

To me as a disabled person, that takes it's toll and I am in a lot of pain and discomfort.

Then he says, Oh, hmm, yea I guess you're right, we'll change it from now on.

ASS! It did feel supremely empowering to speak my mind and convey my issues because I really still to this day, struggle with that.

And I hate that I have to continually highlight my conditions as though I am some feeble weakling, that is only about being sick..

But I realised that, hey I am doing whatever I can to get my needs met. 

I have to take responsibility and voice my concerns because I am ill and I do need certain requirements in order for me to function, like everyone else.

My back is just twinging so badly when I'm standing and my hands are getting to their breaking point.

I would love to nap but I don't feel tired, my body is just gone but my brain is working away so I have a feeling, maybe about 6pm I'll finally be exhausted enough to nap, which is not the best time.

However I'm running on empty and I need to rest and by that I mean sleep.

Ooh I just noticed I had put away a pack of lightening soap. I used to use for my spots and it worked supremely well as it was recommended as a pimple treatment.

I didn't need it any longer nor did I want to throw it out so it's a whole bar left for me.

The scars are around my nose and chin and are not going away so I'm going to use the soap as I know that's worked for me before.

I think what I do is gently scrub it into my skin, leave it for a bit and then rinse it off.

I am having a hormonal or sugar breakout at the moment actually.

I may do a mid-week mask to get rid of them. I'll let you know, how long it takes to permanently get rid off the acne scars.

#BlogLife146 - Truth hurts was my motto

I'm actually not sure if it still is my motto. I'm still blunt and direct and will tell you the unkind truth for your long term well being but so many people just want to hear their own version of the truth..

The lies they have told themselves to make being a pushover seem acceptable, when really it is not. I'm glad that at least some people can recoil in horror but then quickly understand where I am coming from.

I'm not misinterpreting the scenario. I am not being mean. I am not exaggerating the facts. I am just telling you the reality and giving you options.

I am not dictating saying do this or that. I am laying it all out for you, what you do next, is your decision and you have to live with the consequences of your actions.

You picked on the wrong girl to ask for advice from. You thought I would be like a warm protective hug? Telling you that everything is fine and that you don't need to grow up and act like an adult.

Plus have a serious talk and assert some boundaries because all that is too scary and you would rather carry on being mistreated for the rest of your days..

Ooops. Big mistake. I am all about the personal growth and your happiness is what I care about. Right now you are in a cocoon of deceit.

This utterly delusional but safe bubble world. No bad thoughts can penetrate and ignorance is bliss. I mean you only have suspicions and zero trust but that's alright..

You just continue being stressed and anxious and wishing you were being treated with respect but not demanding it and see how it works out for you.

It's your life, do as your please. I am saying nobody respects someone who doesn't respect themselves. You will continue to be taken advantage of until you have the gumption to say...

Hey...... Listen up. Your behaviour towards me is unacceptable and offensive. Either you apologise and change your ways or I will leave your sorry ass alone and look for someone a thousand times better!

And if you lack the balls to confront without an ultimatum then good luck expecting any change for the better. Things will continue declining and that person will laugh ten times harder knowing they have you, right where they want you.

That they can get away with murder and you will let them because you have made no effort to teach them the correct way to behave.

You absolutely do deserve better but don't take my word for it. You have to believe in yourself. Feel that you are entitled to careful consideration and genuine affection.

Think about it...... You know I'm right :D

#BlogLife145 - You are wrong!

This is a bit of a toughie one today. It's very personal because I feel unheard so much in my life. I just feel there are a lot of times, where I say something and someone says.....

No incorrect, that is completely untrue and they then go on to explain in depth and prove my point that I understood them perfectly the first time and I was accurate.

I don't have the foggiest idea if it is a simple honest mistake, they made, just a misunderstanding or it is sheer arrogance from them.

I do not take comfort from either of those reasons. I have taken my time to be there and offer you my advice and yet you are content to talk over me and ignore my words???

These useful nuggets of wisdom that I am trying to pass on to you, because you are struggling?? Grr! Why exactly did you seek me out in the first place?

Then you are going to talk down to me and say..... Oh I see. That is what you meant? Oh yea umm you are right after all but umm. 

I didn't think you knew what you were saying and to be frank, I have not found you that helpful because you aren't agreeing with me and telling me what I want to hear.

I mean I was after a specific profound thing but all you have said is... Well okay, I can benefit from the insights but I mean I could have just googled that myself.

And I will continue getting angry and arguing with you due to this feeling of embarrassment. I mean I was clearly misjudging you however I am far too proud to divulge that so instead I will just attack you.

That's what you are here for anyway, to be the object of my violent outbursts. Pardon?

Oh..... Really? Sorry I- Alright I'll let you finish..

You should know a couple of things about me before I cut you off and leave.

1. I am insanely intuitive about people's issues. I can pinpoint causes and offer intellectual solutions that work for each individual.

2. You came to me. I didn't come to you. That means you are the one lost and scrambling for help, not me, so trying shutting your big overused trap and heeding my words more carefully.

3. You can be in any mood that you are feeling but if you think for a moment, I will take your disrespect. Think again genius.

I will call you out and I will point out some very harsh truth hurts facts.

4. Where is my damn apology? You know you are in the wrong and just being insulting for no reason whatsoever. Either humble yourself and wise up or we will have a fierce battle of words.

Guess what? You aren't going to win and worse still, when someone is being vindictive for the sake of it. I don't play nice and I will give you pause for thought so much that it will cut you deeply!

Now get lost I have decent people to deal with!

#BlogLife101 - Weird habits

You all know about my acquaintanceship tests. If not it was in an earlier post. Don't you have them all memorised by now? I'll quiz you....

Ha! Just joking I would never expect you to read all of them. I don't even like some but they were necessary to vent something out.

I've noticed that not all the time but sometimes I like to push the differences with my randoms. I will take something simple and although I will feel a bit put off by it.

I will make out I am completely unnaturally offended by it and will just harp on and each thing he says I will take it to the extremes.

I see it as testing their patience because there will be a time when I really am annoyed and will need to share my side of things without being made to feel I am wrong like always.

As though their perspective is the only one that matters and because they feel that way. You cannot put forth a diverse voice because it is automatically wrong.

I think I am practising to see if I can navigate through a conflict healthily without being sidelined. I need to be able to say whatever I want too and have it challenged but not have it dismissed as invalid.

At the moment there is a threat that if I maintain my stance, the person will flee and not stay to resolve it and I don't like that at all.

I don't know if he's joking or serious but certainly when we are on the phone there is a noticeable change in tone. 

Which is unpleasant because me and confrontation are not friends.

However I am learning to stand up for myself and say well actually I disagree and this is why. 

It stems from being silenced and I won't go back to being that way for anyone.

I think it is also stemming from having a sarcastic sense of humour and having strong opinions on certain topics. 

I want to see if someone will crack my code and join in the fun or read my blog and distance themselves away... As that is my main hesitation in sharing it.

They all get a cheat sheet into my thoughts that I don't necessarily share with them and it isn't reciprocated. Though when I reach the point where I don't care either way..

Then I'll consider just offering up the link and recommending the spoofs. I just won't ever highlight the incredibly emotional posts because they need to discover that for themselves.

I won't make it that easy for them. You want to know everything about me? Then have fun, trawling through over two hundred posts!!

#BlogLife71 - Off the wagon and on J

I don't know what it was, he appeared and then I blinked and said No no no no but by then it was too late. I was drawn to him.

I promised myself I would stay away. However I haven't found anyone that I have felt comfortable with and tonight I wanted something familiar and cosy.

I confronted him again but as I did and he did answer. He made more of an effort. I saw that we both had entirely different interpretations of the whole saga.

He thinks he was more open and responsive to my queries, some of them and I don't think he was. He confessed that some things were topics he steered away from.

He said I know you talk to other men and that's fine as long as I'm your favourite. That just made me smile.

As for the phone calls which I couldn't help but grill him about. He said that he didn't feel they were a good idea because we tended to be very friendly.

I asked him if he avoided contact because he figured I was going to get clingy or fall for him and he said he wasn't that arrogant.

He just didn't want to impose on my life. Is he timid or is he just afraid to be a burden? (To be honest the whole love thing, made heaps more sense to me). Not that I have feelings, not those feelings.

I have a fondness for him. It's a connection I have never had before. I can't seem to shake it. Maybe it is because I have pushed him away a lot..

And yet he still comes back. There are disagreements but he's never said anything unkind. Unlike the rest. As for the private things I've told him..

I don't even know if it was him I told. He doesn't recall either. I asked him if he would swap emails but he said he prefers talking..

I'm confused and then there is someone else who wanted a piece of me, but not in a creepy way in a genuine way. J number two.

Baha :D All I know is that I miss talking to him and it's crazy fun and laughter. It always is magnetic. I asked him if were friends and he said Yes that he hoped we were reconnecting.

That whenever he sees me he feels good. He said there was no reason for us to stop hanging out but I am in two minds. What do I do if I see him again??

I had a full on blush when he stated I could make the weather sound sexy. I need sleep....... Heaven help me I don't regret being with him tonight!

After eventually falling asleep. Some of his words rang out in my head, something he had never told me before. That on one of our long, talk half the night chats..

He had been so eager to talk to me that he was clock watching and it was only 5am. I had told him that I might be awake from 9am.

I said he should have just dialled my number but he replied that he didn't want to take the risk and disturb me. I am beginning to think he has put me on a pedestal..

I am not even sure I slept that night. I was phone watching. I think I am considering the possibility that he has purposely blocked out the personal things I've told him about my hardships each time..

As I don't think he wants to remember me in my reality. That when I'm with him, I can be carefree but without him. It's nonstop stress and pain.

Plus I now recall the mixed signal speech I made about how I was sick of clingy men and that I normally get rid off them fairly routinely.

Maybe by being mysterious he figures he ups the odds of not being let go? Although that backfired now, didn't it J?? Perhaps I'll ask him his preferred subjects of chat or maybe I'll just ghost him....

I still haven't made up my mind.

Why do I do this to myself?

It has not been the greatest of days. I got sold an inferior laptop charger and when I returned it for hopefully a replacement or fix. All the salesmen tried to convince me I hadn't even bought it there. It is so exhausting to have noone in my corner fighting on my behalf.

I could have yelled, screamed, swore but honestly with those types of nasty underhanded sales people it doesn't do any good. The only person humiliated and embarrassed is myself. My gut said just buy a replacement elsewhere but I opted for the quick fix and just settled on another one. I should have realised it was an inferior store when the warranty only lasted a month.

I didn't even keep the receipt. Thinking back nine months ago, here is what I remember. The one I bought from Amazon was a universal one and didn't work at all. The one I bought from their store the first time, I made sure was by Lenovo. I specifically asked because I didn't want a generic one and when I checked it out it did say Lenovo.

While the sales people were busy I compared the new and old charger and found an alarming difference. The first one sold to me was a cheap chinese knock off and the new one said Lenovo, so I'm thinking he switched the chargers when I wasn't looking and sold me an inferior one but today I was watching them like a hawk so no chance of a switch.

I've put the receipt in my laptop case, who knows how long this one will last. I know I should have bought it online but there are so many variations. It's too confusing.

Next I decided to browse the market and see if there were any new stores around, not that I had spare change lying around. I spotted a beauty store and thought I would treat myself to an eyebrow shape. I got screwed again. I politely asked if she could refrain from using threading because it feels like barbed wire cutting my face up and my eye area always bleeds afterwards, she agreed, then went ahead and only did half the work, basically leaving the excess hairs but giving the shape and I paid for it.

What is wrong with me?? It's not going to take long to pluck them away but that's not the point. I am such a wimp sometimes, avoiding confrontation. My only highlight was the comfort food I purchased from Pret A Manger. If you haven't tried them I highly recommend their selection of sandwiches and wraps. The bang bang chicken is a favourite of mine.

At first I thought they were sold out, but the sales guy went out of his way to look and locate them for me so that is lunch sorted. Oh yea and just because a lipgloss looks transparent don't take it for gospel. I bought a new one from Vova and assumed it was, caught sight of myself in the mirror at the beauty shop and almost screamed. It has the ugliest tint of reddy pink I have ever seen. I looked ghastly. I'm off to fix the right eyebrow now.