#BlogLife909 - Awol postponement/Exploiting kindness

Originally I was leaving at the end of the month, then it was this week, now it's next month.

Her son is spitefully insisting he visit, this or next week so me and Mama don't get to spend our birthdays together.

Most of me doesn't give a crap and the rest is a smidgen disappointed.

How do I know it's on purpose? She let slip, fares are expensive so he's making less trips, but yet has insisted on visiting in July and August? Why???

Well we alllll know why, evilness.

I'm used to being the lowest priority, nobody really goes to bat for me, so it's fine.

I don't celebrate, it's just a regular day but I like surprising her with gifts and chilling out, switching off, just relaxing away from the chaos of my life.

I was looking forward to that but it will happen, just later than expected.

Yesterday I settled on her gift, well upgraded it. All she wanted was a red toaster, she loves that shade, as do I.

But I thought what would be even more fun, was to get her a mini press grill, like mine, but in red, oof it was pricey but mine has lasted years and years.

I hope hers does the same. It's easy to use and very stylish actually. It will probably arrive next week, hopefully before her birthday.

A lil update. I've finished the other body butter and am using the new one, I don't like the fragrance as much.

I'll have to look it up, ahh it's the dark amber, not so keen on it but the American Dream golden dusk was much nicer.

It's nice and thick but it still seems less moisturising than before.

I'm still using the Astral moisturiser, actually I'm enjoying it more than I thought.

My skin is nice and hydrated. I only need to use a tiny amount because it's quite greasy but if you don't use much, it's a better experience.

My face doesn't feel oily and smothered. It's just light and soft, with a lovely generic scent.

The breakouts are here and there but I am eating a lot of sugar so that could be why.

Hmm I guess the other thing bothering me is, I feel a lil irritated.

There's a new random AA/J and he's fine but it always seems to be that same pattern.

I'm not keen on meets or photos. They send one and I roll my eyes thinking ugh, I didn't want to see you and now you'll pressure me for one back.

I stand my ground and then other times, I think, maybe I should compromise.

In photo form as opposed to me in general I feel unattractive. It just highlights me in the most unflattering form.

That's why I despise photos of myself, I can look in the mirror and think cuteee but in camera images, I think yuck, it just knocks my confidence.

Anyway I've talked about that many times, it won't change, no matter how many inches I lose.

So I ended up sending non face pictures, hand photos from when I had long nails and painted designs on them for fun.

And instead of acknowledging, Oh that must have been difficult for you, I appreciate it and won't ask for more.

It's like he gloated, Ha, you said you wouldn't send and you did.

I always feel exploited, as though, I try to be kind and meet someone halfway or push myself out of my comfort zone to not be selfish...

And then it's taken advantage off. I wish for once, someone would say.....

I won't ask for more, you did me a favour and that's all I wanted. Case closed.

Thanks for trying but he was like, send me more images...... I'm just feeling a bit raw.

It's the same experience, take take take, nobody just accepts me for who I am.

I'm always expected to change. It just makes me feel like crap.

I always had that feeling in the back of my mind....... You're not good enough as you are, You need to be better.

So when things like that happen, it takes me back to feeling inadequate.

Trying my best and it still wasn't good enough. My thoughts got interrupted by the Iceland guy ha.

That was unusual, the tracking didn't update and he said, something wasn't in stock but due today, so will be re-delivered later maybe?

I found that so weird, ha, nice but strange. Usually it's hard luck, it's out of stock sorry, we'll refund you.

It's only the veggie samosas, I just wanted some snack items. Talking of which, I did see a few things to try.

Lion breakfast cereal bars, looked fun 6x£1, it was supposed to be £1.25 but it was on sale, woop.

That's what I was going to say. I hate that I have no issue spoiling others, that's exciting to me.

But when it comes to myself, sometimes I don't feel I deserve it? Why not??

I'm out of all my favourite perfumes and I was browsing for Elizabeth Taylor En Rouge and I saw it for £23 maybe.

I thought hmm, bit steep, then I was sent an offer so now it's £20, very reasonable for a 100ml bottle.

It was double that I'm sure last time, but I ended up paying £18 I think and I was so happy.

But I'm still hesitant to purchase it. Just seems extravagant, even though it's something I need and want.

I'm still internally debating it. I guess that's it really. I wonder if anyone will ever see me, appreciate me and think...

That woman, SS, I like her just as she is, I won't push her to sacrifice herself to me.

I'll just embrace her uniqueness. I know that sometimes she will pull away from me. I won't crowd her.

I know sometimes she won't want to have a serious conversation. I'll joke with her, not at her.

I know that sometimes she'll be prickly and extra sensitive to words so I'll make sure she feels special and cared for,

And lastly I know that she's been hurt a lot in the past and continues to be in stressful situations..

Her first instinct is to run, heal, step away and build her walls back up but I know that in these times, she needs me even more to comfort her, to be there, not to push, but if she wants anything at all, without expecting something back in return..

I'll be there for moral support, not because I have too but because I want too.

She has no-one, had no-one but now I'm here.

I mean wouldn't that be lovely??!!

#BlogLife908 - Fear of men

There's a few things swirling around in my head, some new, some old.

Whether she does this on purpose or not I have no idea but Mama loves to bring up the other two siblings, and I've repeatedly told her not to do this..

But as usual she dismisses my needs in favour of her own or theirs, above mine and that's always been the case.

She continues praising them, Oh he's so helpful, he's assisting me with this and paying for it.

She conveniently forgets they've forgotten her birthdays, Mama's Day etc.

I don't know if she's changing the history, as in what a good parent I am, raised them right, did a good job.

Because all I remember is thinking I don't want to be here. I'm sick of being harassed, I don't want to exist.

Having no expression as a child or a teenage, only now as a fully grown adult.

It constantly feels like she's saying in-between the lines, let go of your cruelty towards them, they've forgiven/accepted you for your coldness, you should do the same..

It angers and attacks my self esteem actually. It makes me feel I deserve to be ill treated and I deserve my past, which I don't.

Nobody deserves to grow up afraid to talk, afraid to stand up for oneself and fearing for their general well-being.

My childhood manifested itself into dating. The verbal abuse, then physical abuse.

The reinforced belief I had nothing to offer. Dating was no longer exciting, it became fearful, a wary reluctant experience.

I think I hid behind the weight gain and was mostly ignored and that suited me.

I didn't have to put myself out there and be raw and exposed. I could just cover up and be left free and safe.

Now things are different but still the same. I'm steadily losing weight, being healthier.

I feel like my thighs are slimmer. I have no interest in showing them off but I'm still proud of my accomplishments.

I continue to ask myself what do I want? What would make me happy?

KIds? No. Marriage? No. Friendship? *Shrugs* A boyfriend? I have no idea.

I'll always have that apprehension, waiting to be judged, waiting to see if he'll pounce.... 

Waiting for the disrespect or for the violence. I don't see a way to be comfortable around a man, not in public or in private.

So I'll continue shrinking, reach my goals and then what? What I do know is that this healthier journey is for me and no-one else.

I want to feel good about myself. I want to look after my body and try and lessen the pains and exhaustion.

But if there is any sign, I'm not being treated right, I will probably cut my losses and exit.

I'm not sure how I feel about second chances being as sensitive and fragile as I feel at present.

I've spoken to Mama and I'm a bit annoyed that she's given me no notice, just expects me to drop everything and visit her, when it was supposed to be at the end or the beginning of next month.

Good job I charged my electric toothbrush, that takes about a day.

It won't take long to pack, I'm just drying the washing now. There are a few things I need so I'm glad I didn't buy them and then leave them to possibly sit outside my door, where the neighbours would probably steal them.

My stomach feels delicate but I think it's stress, worrying about not being able to get a cab, sometimes they are just overbooked.

And I never want to call up beforehand because I don't want to rush and if I'm feeling sicky or dizzy like I am today, I want to take my time, wait for it to pass and then get ready.

It's risky but I prefer it. I don't know if this will be my last post for a while, it's nice to switch off, rest my brain and body.

I just realised that because it's summer, I can't used the heated blankie remedy on my bones so after travelling the pain is going to be really bad.

Sitting is just not my friend. I wish I had another pain remedy, I guess I can binaural beats videos, sometimes that helps to relax me.

I'm not in the mood to walk with my portable shiatsu massager, it's too heavy.

#BlogLife749 - Is this random dump week?

I was a bit miffed at A still so I went on the other room and got talking to this chappy that used paragraphs as introductions and replies.

Only he was actually interesting. I didn't mean to stay late as I was heading to the Market the next day (today) but it was funny swapping stories.

Then just before 3am he suggested a quickie phone call and I said fine, but we must sleep after this.

And that of course ended up being almost an hour long. The fascinating thing to me was that, he's a talker, so he hogged the majority of the conversation, not in a selfish way, in an animated cute, entertainer way.

As in let's see how much you laugh, when you hear what happened....

Sigh of relief, his name is T and not heaven forbid J. Phew!! (Everyone knows, we don't have luck with the J's) :D

As per usual I witheld my number and called and then after I thought, his voice is sooo nice.

I don't mind having follow ups. I told him, I would text him and share my number and I went to do that......

And it said, if you wanna text this number, unblock first........

Oh my my my my. We had talked before. I didn't remember him at all, no inkling of familiarity.

I read the texts and I vaguely recalled, we had probably 1 chat in May 2023, a whole year ago, ha!!

And he didn't get back in touch so, hmm, awkward ha. I didn't want to unblock, I just emailed him and explained and waited to see his reply.

As he didn't want to stay in touch then, maybe he wouldn't now?

I didn't assume anything, I left it up to him and whatever he decided, I would be fine with.

Lunchtime today (Tuesday) he replied and said He wasn't sure if it was me or not, there was a vague notion in his head.

And at that point he said, maybe he wanted meets or something but he was ok with things as they are now.

Goodness me, the rollercoasters with these randoms. I unblocked him and maybe we will have more storytelling sessions.

It was so funny because he tries to be a gentleman, where possible but some of the things he comes out with, sound creepy but hysterically so, bahahaha.

I teased him mercilessly for that. We both cracked up. There are so many interpretations to things.

Today (Wednesday), I have probably the final updates on both of them.

Yesterday me and T had emailed a bit and he annoyingly seems like the type to want to know everything but also hear only what he wants too, as in what benefits him, without listening or picking up on the reasons behind it.

So I think possibly he was a lil miffed at me. I saw him on chat and he didn't say Hi or reply to my last email.

But it's funny because he shouldn't care what my stance is on the matter but he does/did.

At first I said I don't do meets at all because it's easier than saying I do eventually because they all say, let's meet now now now.

And for me it's too much, I wouldn't feel safe at all. When he pressed me further, I said I might consider after I had known the person for a long time.

But the whole reason he wanted to stay in touch, was that he wasn't bothered about meets........

Pfft I will not be chasing him, if he gets in touch, I'll reply but otherwise re-blocked.

Now A was still behaving oddly, as though, he felt compelled to chat to me, ever since I did the face/body reveal.

I thought that would shut him up a bit but then he wanted racy snaps, what on earth??!!

Nope, nope, nope and he did what all guys seem to do or say. Reassure me that he likes bigger females and then it turns out No...... He doesn't.

What he wants, what they all want, is someone a teeny tiny bit plump but no more than that.

And I realise I've still got some trimming down to do so I know I'm less than ideal at present but again I'm more accepting of myself.

Although we did properly chat last night and I said, I thought you were trying to let me down easy.

He still didn't confess that I wasn't his type, claimed to have been busy.

This morning painted a different picture. Those dots were there but also messages.

That he's leaving the site due to family drama. (Oh how convenient) and that he thinks we are going in circles and won't develop.

And I thought I knewwww I wasn't your type and would be blocked soon, you just didn't have the balls to say it.

You should have said it straight away, sorry but you're not suited to me and I would have survived the rejection easily.

Plus if that really was the case, I think he would've allowed me time to reply and then left/blocked, whatever.

Anyway I don't feel sad or upset about either of them, I feel relieved to know where I stand.

In a weird way, it makes me feel more confident, that I can handle it and it didn't knock my self esteem, it made it stronger.

I think the thing that makes me smile, is that Mama received her gift early this morning and she texted to thank me and her whole expression, went from last night unhappy, stressed, fed up..

To smiling and at ease and grateful and settled. I don't need anything from her, just wanted to help out if I could.

I had told her things previously that she should have done and her head was in the clouds, like yea yea yea.

I'm doing what I feel is best and almost, to hell with the consequences because it'll never be a disaster.

But we've both had experiences of it so, hmm, not sure why she didn't take precautions.

It's like she had to learn the hard way. Sorry I don't want to mention what it is, too stigmatised.

Anyway I gave her the advice on what helped me and now I think she has a more realistic attitude.

Which she needed to have, prevention is always better than cure.

I feel it's as though she doesn't take me seriously, when ok, I'm not the most worldly person but I have a lot of street smarts, I know things that she isn't aware of at all.

That's it, you're all caught up. Oh I'm kinda vex that they lied about the battery life on the fan.

It's not the advertised 18 hours on low battery, it is merely 8! Huge lying difference!!

#BlogLife747 -Hello! I'm Ghost and I've returned :)

I've just been trying to pluck my brows with the tweezers but it's all so blurry.

I give up, sod it, messy brows is the new me. The right one is still noticeably red and sore to the touch, yeesh.

The left one although not perfect, looks a tad presentable-ish. The right is just a mess, ha.

I did something after I returned from Mama's that I don't usually do.

I went ahead and unblocked A, he was the one that was obsessed with photos but aside from that, we got on well.

It's funny though that I didn't create a cheat sheet for him, no details whatsoever so when I was looking through the legions of blocked guys, I couldn't recall his name.

Finally realised it was A and there were several and none looked familiar. I figured he deleted his account but I unblocked all the namesakes anyway.

Then Saturday night up he popped and said Hi. I was so shocked, I didn't even know if it was the right person.

But suddenly all the previous chat reappeared and I scrolled up and thought Ahhh, it is him.

I wasn't sure if he'd be annoyed at being blocked and that we had words and that I disappeared.

But I'm not sure he realised, ha. He asked point blank, is this the first time you've been back?

And I said honestly No. I took some time out, things happened and I was away for a while too.

He said that he almost unsubscribed a few times but kept returning

I didn't actually confess I had blocked him. Our last conversation was tense.

He was saying, he wanted regular photos and I replied that at a push, sending one, would be it, for me.

So he is better seeking out someone that is happy to provide that and then I blocked him.

As one I felt a lil bullied, that was the only thing he pressured me about, but it was constant.

Secondly, we had a deeper connection than I'm used too and that scared me a lot.

I'm not someone that opens up to many people. I think it all became overwhelming and I needed to step back and it was the right decision at the time.

It's not something I'm comfortable with at all. When I was standing in front of Mama's full length mirror, where she had lots of natural light.

I studied myself and thought, I see no evidence of weight loss, whatsoever, what is the point of a healthier lifestyle??

But other people have noticed and obviously the dress sizes keep going down so that keeps me motivated.

But the mirror image, the photos, do nothing for my confidence levels, as someone that grew up ashamed of my body, whether slim or not.

There was a lot of self loathing and when I was dating, I felt like there was more criticisms, than compliments, which made my self-esteem just plummet further.

It's a prickly topic for me but occasionally I'll push myself out of my warm fluffy safe existence and do something, I hate for personal growth.

I mentioned just before I left for Mama's I snapped a selfie and at Mama's I snapped a full length one, with my face included.

The first one was covered by the phone but my hair looked fantastic.

The point is that I sent him both of those when he asked because I wanted to maybe put him off or test the waters and although it probably would sting a lil if he said, Sorry you're just too unattractive for me.

Overall I would have accepted it and said Alright, thanks for being honest and re-blocked him lol.

Okay just checked he didn't block me, there isn't those dots instead of the last seen ? hours ago.

He says he prefers the fuller figure and his reaction was, the short do, suits me and he called me "Pretty."

I reject that completely but I don't see myself as hideous either.

I'm passable I guess. This time I didn't feel backed into a corner.

I think I had already decided to send it to him before he asked. I made it on my terms though, not his time frame.

That was just better for me. Actually the funny thing is, he didn't offer to send me one of himself and he doesn't seem to want a phone or on site microphone chat.

It does make me wonder, if he'll suddenly confess, Oh by the way, I'm married, I thought you knew............

Like most of them tend to blurt out... Hmm...

But I'm separated..

But we're basically just roommates..

But she doesn't get me...

And my favourite...

We're just living together until we can sell up..

I always think, I'm sure the wives are oblivious and seemingly content.

I guess we'll find out, if he was worth unblocking but there's something calming about him, that stood out.

I really felt heard, in each of our conversations and when we dissected our last breakup chat type thing.

He said, Maybe I should have been more patient and understanding..

And I said, Well you were being upfront with your needs but I still felt a bit, as though I was backed into a corner.

Another thing I respect about him, is the quiet air of confidence.

It's not arrogance, he's not fishing for compliments. It's just matter of fact and that's another rare quality.

Someone that's not me, me, me and has the natural back and forth, that we have.

Enough rambling, just had to get that off my chesticles. See you tomorrow, hopefully.....

#BlogLife708 - What's been your favourite decade?

One of the randoms posed this question and I had to think about it carefully because I wasn't entirely sure of the answer.

When I was young kid, I don't think I really grasped the dangers around me, I didn't have the mental capacity to work it out, so maybe I had some carefree times and no responsibilities.

When I was pre-teen to a teenager I think that's when I realised that I couldn't open up and trust anyone with my secrets because there was too much fakery all around me.

But I was also maturing and discovering, different looks, experimenting with clothes and makeup and no longer wearing glasses, switching to contacts.

My skin was clearing, my shape was developing. I felt different, womanly but still naive and child-like.

I'm not sure I had any confidence but my brain was switching and it was trying to emerge and trying to figure out, how to feel good about myself and adapt to being more sociable.

In my twenties I think I just buried my past and tried to date and feel normal and come to terms with having health issues that limited my activities.

I looked the slimmest in my teenager and twenties. I ate less, worked out routinely and it was my obsession to try and be perfect on the outside, while the inside was a whole mess of uncertainty.

Late twenties to early thirties, once again I got damaged physically and this was also permanent but this was more serious and took a long time to recover.

I resigned myself to being single and taking care of myself and something changed when I did that.

I think I just stopped caring what men thought of me, what they saw when they looked at me and I focused on what I saw, what I perceived myself to be.

I didn't want to impress anyone anymore. I want to be myself and be accepted. I wanted to be respected and cherished for all my good and bad qualities.

I began detaching from people who wanted to use me and neglect me, thinking they had some power over me.

I stopped giving so much of myself away and became ridiculously cautious around others.

My walls are as high as they have ever been and I don't care, if I've become hard to get to know.

I don't care that I'm closed off. I don't care that I prioritise my own needs and safety first because that's what I need to do to survive this world.

Now in my forties, my confidence has naturally grown but I still feel there is too much darkness inside of me, for anyone to treat me, the way I deserve.

No matter what I do, I can't shake that feeling because although romance lives in my head, the stories I'm writing are playing out..

New stories or daydreams are unfolding, there always seems to be these real conversations and within those rare honest insights...

Where I'm speaking that, I don't really allow myself to dwell on..

I always act the same way and say the same things..

Why do you care about me?

What do you see in me?

Tell me the truth, you honestly are pretending to care, right??

I can't seem to accept that somebody really sees all of me and still welcomes me into their life.

That some guy out there, sees me as enough, that I'm worth getting to know, hanging out with, caring about, falling for....

So what has been my favourite decade? All of them and none of them.

I had so many different good and bad experiences. I've been depressed, I've been fulfilled, I've been scarred and I've been hurt so badly that I didn't want to face another day..

But all these things that happened made me more in touch with my feelings.

It became so intense that eventually the writer in me was born. If I could take it back, I'd want a different life, a happier one.

But I don't think I would be the same person. I wouldn't be able to dig deep and share all these fears and realisations with you.

#BlogLife674 - Those closest to me, made me insecure

Late afternoony greetings to all of you. I did not want to get up today but not because I felt downcast any longer, I just didn't feel rested enough.

I let my mind wander and it flickered back to all the unfinished unpublished and published stories on wattpad and here on this blog.

Every day my brain conjures up pieces of fresh material but all of it, can be transferred unto a page.

I'm just waiting to warm up, even though the sun is shining brightly at the moment.

I'm willing the chicken rolls I'm cooking to hurry up for a very late breakfast.

I feel the few people I trusted with the details of my homelife just really didn't give a damn and it's like knowing I had difficulty expressing myself and that I hated confrontation, made them exploit my personality even further.

They realised I wouldn't object when they hogged the whole conversation.

Their voice was the only one that mattered. Mine was squashed, feeding into that feeling that I didn't matter and neither did my opinions.

I would read stories and have dreams that unlocked my potential.

I didn't realise that I couldn't write, the reason that I couldn't tell my stories on paper was because I had no voice.

There was not a single safe place to share it. Family shut me down and took pride in keeping me quiet.

Friends talked over me and made assumptions, without asking me the truth.

Cousins thought I was not worth their time because I wasn't superficial and worldly.

They had the perception I was ignorant because I let them ramble and make jabs and didn't speak up.

There wasn't much that held any importance to me but writing and storytelling I had an inkling that was the link to my freedom.

I just didn't know how to unlock it, not back then. I think I flipped maybe between caring about others views on me and being indifferent.

What I did know is that by the time I was an adult and living on my own and uncaged from the stigma of being thought of as a twit..

It still wasn't any easier to talk. I just assumed the confidence would grow and the filter would drop but in some ways it hasn't.

And I think that's why I struggle to work on and complete the stories in particular, it forces me to open up and give a lil piece of me away or expose me to the world and that's terrifying.

I don't even know why I worry so much, it's not as though they are works of art, just simple tales.

They are still precious though, maybe I am avoiding the conflict I'll have to write or maybe I don't want to create the distance that will have to separate them?

A part of me knows, that I am holding myself back but it still isn't by choice.

Let's end this on a collective positive note, something I rarely am capable of doing.

Repeat after me....

I believe in myself and my abilities.

I can achieve anything I set my mind too.

I won't let fear hold me back.

I am not going to stay pushed down but instead will gather the courage to grow and sparkle and dazzle the world.

Lastly, I, We are pretty great people, don't let people convince you otherwise.

Pep talk done, see you tomorrow...

#BlogLife654 - Skirting around the subject..

I'm thrilled the 2 skirts I ordered just arrived, one black and one blue. I just had a feeling they would sell out first.

The fishtail bottom is like a swirly design, it's totally plain and not my preference but at least it has a feature to it.

I was so nervous about the fit, but they are the perfect length for a shortie like me and it isn't too loose or too tight, just perfect with wiggle room.

Oh and the best bit is the thickness, for ages all I've seen is thin loosey goosey designs but I wanted more of a fitted look, even though I'm plus sized and have a few stone to lose, mainly three.

The truth is part of me is ready to be more presentable, to get date outfits.

I feel kinda ready to get to know a guy and then if he seems normal and respectable, to eventually take the next step and meet him in person.

Talking of randoms I blocked MM/S last night because I think looking back I probably told him all my insecurities about my looks, weight, image, intelligence...

And he thought it was amusing to assassinate my character in one swoop.

When he was nice he was pleasant but there was an underside to him that was condescending, if he talked he spouted subjective facts and in his mind, his word was law.

No deviating opinions counted but I still argued with him because I had something to say on the matter, that differed from his God-like views.

What cemented it for me because although I enjoyed his company for the most part.

Was that he resented being held accountable for his disrespectful behaviour.

It physically angered him to apologise for being cruel. To be honest that surprised me, that he was like that. But I heard it in his tone and after that he stopped speaking to me.

That turned out to be a blessing in disguise because I managed to go over everything and realised he wasn't a good guy after all.

Plus he was impatient to meet up and I knew I wasn't ready. I suspected that I needed more time to mentally prepare myself.

He kept being kinda cold and unfeeling and saying thoughtless remarks and then admitting he was frustrated and that I was playing with his mind.

When the truth is I'm naturally scared and nervous due to my violent dating history.

It's been physically and emotionally abusive and that's not something that disappears, it lingers.

My brain says, be careful be careful, trust no one. My body says...... Come on just a lil huggy, maybe a peck, what harm could it do???

There is always these conflicting thoughts. But once again you can't just lash out for the sake of it.

You can vocalise your unhappiness but why scar someone else?

Why not empathise and think, hmm well if I'm patient and kind, maybe she will change her mind and meet me sooner, instead of, let's make her feel bad and then she will be as miserable as I am.

I was actually going to tell him, that this month or next I was prepared to see him but then he opened his big mouth and I saw his true nature emerge....

Yesterday part of the Mama's Day surprises arrived, the nutty chocolates went down well, especially as they were low fat and not super sugary, which is what she prefers.

The fudge she didn't enjoy as much, she doesn't like chewy, more waxy crumbly. The homemade stuff but I was attracted to the unusual reusable tin.

The rest of it, the Sarah Jessica Parker Dawn hand lotion, the chilli plantain chips, which I've never seen before.

I've ever seen sweet or salty and she likes spicy things, seemed like a great bundle of treats, should arrive this week.

For me yesterday I felt like treating myself, so I got chicken sushi, this chocolate torte slice and praline chocolate.

I managed to order another face mask as the other one is running low from Eclat.

Oh my skin is back to normal now, no more dryness, yay. I also got a batch of eye drops that amounted to just over a pound each.

Lastly I'm also running low on essential oils, so it was just under a tenner for four of them.

Peppermint, Eucalyptus, lemon and I thought I would try orange and lime as citrus just makes me happy, with that fresh uplifting scent.

#BlogLife601 - You think too highly of yourself..

Song of the day - Bon Jovi - You Give Love A Bad Name

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9tKwSboJeg&list=WL&index=38

Ha! If he only knew!! I was on chat and one guy DD, asked me for a date and I said no and then he did it again and I blocked him.

Then CP of the quote above came along and he was regular, nothing stood out.

We suddenly talked about multi tasking and he said he had loads of women he was taking too.

And to be honest I didn't care because I was replying to D's text, even though he was busy and tired and Ohhh I haven't told you about him ha!!

Plus I was watching my Christmas binge, A Very Merry Mix Up Christmas and though oof even if it's a comedy, one of the leads is sooo controlling ick.

I just realised that her beau was well off and could easily have said, Let me be a silent investor or pay for employees or a financial advisor to help you out for a bit..

But I guess his first love, was collecting money and not spending it, with his lil insensitive cruel digs at her expense.

Anyway I digress. I said something like, Oh I love multi tasking, it makes things more interesting. 

I even multi chat, although I got rid of all my pms because they weren't suitable.

Someone has to be really enthralling or I have to be too sleepy to only have one conversation.

Now I assume at this point he got offended I wasn't smitten with him.

The funny thing was I was making more of an effort, just to pass the time until I could sleep.

Then he switches too, Umm actually I'm only talking to you. I prefer one on one.

Then I followed it up with, Well you're my only pm now also.

Honestly I can't stop giggling. I wasn't trying to be mean. I was just matter of fact answering all his questions but I guess brutally directly.

And this is where he should have said I take offence to that or left or said Um I'm going to find someone who wuvs me lololol.

I can't recall exactly what I said next but he kept pushing for answers, as in to rate him.

And again he reallllly shouldn't have because I came out with..

I'm not hooked on you but you're alright. You don't make me want to scratch your eyes out.

So I suspect because women weren't falling over themselves to talk to him and men always chat women up..

He didn't appreciate me having options. That is when he said it.

You think too highly of yourself. Instead of him making the effort to be interesting or cutting the discussion short.

My retort was Some people are that good and can afford to be. Then I blocked him.

I suspect he wanted me to feel bad and definitely be less confident so I would have become attached to him.

But I see through that tactic and I was feeling good about myself so he couldn't spoil it.

Then he bombarded me with messages and I suspect not to apologise but to be nasty.

I made the right decision.  If he didn't keep bugging me for praise I would have kept my feelings to myself.

Anyway onto D which is a far better tale. I checked my other phone for accuracy and this occurred on Thursday night.

This name popped up in chat and even though I rarely remember names and conversations.

My brain said you know that name but I didn't know if he and I were on friendly terms or not.

At first I ignored it and then maybe I checked my notes on the randoms to see if there was a blurb about him.

Or maybe I replied and then checked. Anyway there was a note.

He and I had swapped numbers at the end of September, got on well but he ghosted me.

Four days went by and I suspected he just didn't want to contact me any longer so I blocked him.

Then as we were talking he apologised, remembered my name which was sweet and explained.

His friend I think was hospitalised and on the fifth day he had texted but of course I didn't receive it and then he tried a few more times.

Plus sought me out but we didn't see each other at all until now.

So we basically ended up talking and reacquainting for hours.

And it struck me that he wasn't angry or accusing or even passive aggressive. 

He was just happy to see me so I pretty much instantly forgave him but didn't divulge it ha.

Then at the end he asked me and I said Yea I made peace with it ages ago and I'll unblock you.

I've only done that a few times as it's generally not worth it.

But he had a good attitude and we blend well together. 

It's effortless but I forgot what he sounds like. Ugh and I don't want to say call me lol.

He's not local but he seems decent. He's not taking me for granted.

He'll make the time to text, even if it's not straight away, which is not expected anyway.

He'll apologise say Sorry was blah blah but even before that he'll mention he's busy.

So when I hear that I'm thinking, right he's occupied for the evening so I won't disturb and his response is probably going to be the following day.

And I so prefer that. Than thinking Oh he just can't be bothered to get back to me, even though he's free.

Now on to today. Ugh what a horrendous sickly morning. In my head I was still partially buzzing that I managed to compose and publish a story out of thin air in about three hours.

To be frank, I was stressing about it and I didn't actually think I would be successful in completing it.

I even had a nightmare last night and that usually occurs when I'm frazzled.

My mind was totally blank but in the morning I thought, wouldn't it be nice if it had a Christmas theme?

Then I thought something about water, I always knew it was going to feature a girl. I just wasn't sure about the age and once I got going.

My brain was like okay, do you want to go here, or there, how do you want to end it?

My hope was to make it upbeat but in the back of my mind, I had a sneaky suspicion that it would be an unhappy fable because I feel a bit up and down at the moment.

Somehow this year I'm excited about Christmas but that also entails spending time with family and they have a tendency to be unkind.

Although it might just be me and Mama, who knows, or I might not even travel down there..

Anyway I just feel really weak and sickly today. I thought I started my period, which would explain it but nope.

I was going to order sushi today but the place I usually get it from doesn't have ordinary drinks, just bubble tea and that has no earthly appeal.

So I saw some pistachio tiramisu that I have never known existed.

It's not my favourite dessert but I knew tomorrow or later I would want something sweet and I felt so rough today..

I didn't do any shopping, just power walked to the bus stop to get home as quick as possible.

Oh I did try the new purple Rimmel lippy. It's not as bad as I thought.

I put on a dark lip liner, well actually it's an eyebrow pencil that I double up as an lip liner.

Then I put on lip balm, actually no, the lip balm was the base. Then the lip liner and then the purple lippy.

It did look quite nice. I think I can get away with it. it's not too too light.

It is quite thick. I got away with wearing one coat, normally I would double up but I kept wanting to vomit all morning.

Everything took ages and I wanted it over and done with. Now that I've munched, I feel much perkier, although a nap would be ideal.

I'm not happy with the title and I've done some more editing on the story. I'm going to copy it onto Wattpad eventually.

#BlogLife579 - Are you easy going or a control freak?

I consider myself to be on more of the control spectrum. Everything doesn't always have to be a certain way.

I'm not totally inflexible but the more I know myself, the more I have preferences.

Growing up I feel there was very lil choice and even if I wanted something different, I was too timid to speak up.

Now it's made me extra tough and cold hearted, particularly when I feel I am being taken for granted, ignored or aggressively told to change my mind.

I feel I will hear someone out if they have strong opinions but not if they are dictating to me, that because they feel this way, I should also.

I also don't like having to repeat myself, if I've been crystal clear on a matter. That to me is tantamount to being unheard.

I do tend to get very angry in those circumstances because I never feel respected most of the time.

Why should I have to hammer home my point? Why can't saying it once be enough?

D just replied to my email and I was laughing all the way through it.

I sent him some Youtube recipes that I grew up eating with my family as he mentioned buying a pumpkin.

Actually there was a bunch of pumpkin paratha recipes that I have never even heard of, sounded really cool so I emailed him that one also.

Even though I blocked his number, I reminded him of a cheat way to get in touch, I don't think he will use it.

And I'm not really fussed either way but it will be interesting to see him flustered and what excuse he makes not to use it. Ha.

Another random keeps asking for photos, ugh. The bore. I've told him NO, a bunch of times.

Now he's sulking. I wonder what his next reply will be? I can see myself blocking him soon.

He's trying to goad me, by being insulting, every now and then. 

I'm used to that crap so it doesn't work on me. I prefer when the randoms accept my decision and not whine about not getting their way.

*Rolleth my eyeth*

Aww I'm sad, I woke up and I was really tired last night and forgot to put my regular bluetooth earbuds away, when I switched to the overnight ones.

I must have left them on top of the bed, as I found one on the floor but the other one, I can't seem to locate so now I am left with 2 sets only.

Over time, the battery depletes faster and faster. I have to admit, that the one lost BX17, now only lasts a few hours, maybe 5 or 6.

Whereas the others last twice that amount but it was my favourite to go out in, as it had the snuggest fit, the rest are a bit loosey goosey.

#BlogLife557 - Living in a dreamworld

I'm just getting breakfast ready and trying to keep calm so that my stomach doesn't lurch.

I feel so uncomfortable both physically and mentally. It's getting harder and harder to watch Sefirin Kizi.

Sancar keeps pouring all this hatred on Nare and not taking any responsibility for his part.

Nare is just taking it and not standing up for herself. Plus Sancar is using his current wife and then shouting at her.

Only Gediz seems to look out for her welfare but she's too blind to see his love.

How is that a good example for her daughter? To take crap from others and then ask for more??

Instead of standing strong and saying, I'm right, you're wrong, treat me with respect!!

Also why on earth she is taunting an abuser like Akin, is beyond me, when he catches her, she's gonna be stupidly sorry!!

It's hitting too close to home and I loathe the main hero character. 

I don't find anything redeemable about him and I know they will end up together and at that point, I will stop watching.

I know what it's feels like to care for someone, only for them to pretend to cherish you and trample on your feelings.

To whisper closely, I'm here for you and then in the next breath say the most heart-hurting things.

To be blamed for things that aren't your fault and told, that you're not a good person to be around because what you say, how you look, how you feel, doesn't amount to anything.

Somebody taking pleasure in squashing you down so that you don't have the strength to pull yourself back up.

Then when you're emotionally beaten, he says Run to me. I'll save you. Only I can heal you. 

Only I will ever feel something for you. Nobody else will look twice, only me.

I crumbled and I faltered and my throat hurt so much with the tears that flowed after those conversations.

But the one thing I never did was chase him or flee to him. As destroyed as I was, sitting on the floor, tear stains on my cheeks...

There was always that tiny tiny voice saying Don't believe him, you're precious. Stay put and let him rot in hell.

Don't let someone hurt you. Fight back! I got an email from someone, maybe a reader, maybe a penpaller?

I am unsure but she was very young and lost. I felt for her but I didn't respond.

It seemed inappropriate to converse with someone that youthful. 

Even in the volunteering, they forbid us from communicating with under eighteen year olds because they were too fragile and not emotionally mature enough to handle any truth hurts.

I hope that she found someone on her side and has learned a way to build up her confidence and find a purpose.

It's not that I didn't care. It's that I didn't want to make it worse.

I'm not sure what I would have said. Find something you enjoy either as a career or as a hobby and develop it.

Learn to be kind to yourself. Get to know what gives you meaning.

Distinguish who in your life is good and who isn't. Start a diary or a blog and let it all out.

See if you can connect with someone that makes you smile, someone that doesn't hurt you.

As much as I hate it, find a workout that pumps you up. Exercise has never really been my thing but it was a way to let out my aggression/depression and get healthy.

The reason for the title was because in that fake world, there is no pain, there is just hope and laughter.

I would rather exist there, than here. I'm sick of being sick!