#BlogLife861 - Is is better to talk?

Doesn't it just mean, the other person knows all your vulnerabilities?

I'm currently finding it harder and harder to get out of bed these days.

Now that the sun is out, the problem neighbour kids are swarming around like parasites.

If they're not smoking outside, stinking up the neighbourhood, they are kicking the ball against my wall and windows and one day it's going to smash.

Thud, thud, thud, is all I hear, the sound reverberating two whole rooms away.

Then UC wants to know my current rent, which sounds simple but it isn't.

I've told them the correct amount and it's still written falsely. The landlord said, it was due to increase this month, but instead will change in October.

If I tell them what I actually pay and that's not including the arrears, I have to include, when it changed and officially that's last April, what if they want proof?

I don't have that! There is so much confusing double talk, it makes my head spin.

I guess the most pressing thing is not hearing back from the DWP.

Maybe she does want to throw me in jail, find something concrete and say Aha, I was waiting for this, I stalled and stalled and here it is.

I can take your life from you, happily, since last October, her hands have been around my neck, squeezing, choking the life out of me.

It's like being back at home, trapped, slowly suffocating, walking around in my own safe bubble world, wishing things were different.

That I could breathe, that there was hope, that I would survive. There wasn't any peace then and there isn't any now.

This lil doom and gloom rain cloud is still stalking me. Am I ever going to be free?

I needed to get that off my chest, it helped somewhat but ultimately, I'm continuously stressed waiting for the next disaster to crop up.

I don't feel like my life has ever been my own. At the family home, I learn't that it was better not to express myself or my needs..

As it resulted in insults, humiliation, intimidation and the reinforced belief, I had no brains or personality.

Here, now, living alone, I can talk, I still find I don't want too, most of the time.

Maybe it's interesting for the other party to know I'm struggling but I find that doesn't help me at all.

Really and truly, talking to myself or you dear readers, is the only thing that takes away these crushing burdens.

I find I am going off food again. I try to buy things that seem appealing but when I go to prepare a meal, it doesn't strengthen my appetite, it puts me off.

I'm not starving myself, I nibble here and there but I do end up wasting food.

You know what I would love to utter actually, the only thing, right now that I can?

I'm a sick person. I'm not saying that for attention or sympathy, it's just a fact.

I don't want to look on the bright side of things. I have limited energy and I don't want to feel guilty about lollygagging.

Sometimes the pains are so intense, I can't stand it.

Why am I expected to be strong or cope easily? Why can't I fall apart and be depressed?

Sometimes I want to lie in bed and do nothing, just pretend I can sleep easily and switch off.

Why do I feel this guilt about relaxing? Gaming or watching movies/tv shows?

Why do I think I should be writing 24-7? The whole reason I stopped posting 7 days a week, was to give myself a break.

Why is that a bad thing? To look after myself? 

Why can't I maintain a positive attitude? Why can't I believe in myself and stay confident?

....... Because SS, you're a human being, not a robot, you feel things, like we all do.

You're trying to be better. That's all you can do.

Lastly why do I feel like I should be mingling, dating and making friends, when all I want to do is withdraw from everyone?

It's wrong to be alone, right? Or is it? When it's just me, I don't have to entertain anyone or pretend I'm happy.

I can just be myself and let down my guard, take off my mask and be transparent.

There is no-one on this earth I can do that with.