#BlogLife256 - Maybe if I had grown up differently..

 It's like I'm just realising now how much I wanted to be considered as a regular girl in everybody's eyes.

I was still young and trying to forge some paths ahead but no matter where I turned I didn't fit in.

I no longer care and am proud of that fact but before I wanted to build an identity because I didn't have one and it seemed like everytime I tried to carve something, it was verbally harangued out of me.

I thought if anyone would see me in a new light it would be a future boyfriend. I wasn't keen on the notion of soul mates.

People wander in and out of each others lives so frequently, why not have a few people that are truly suited out of everybody?

Some guys I met while I was out, some online and some just seemed to appear but it turned into which hell is better?

Being with them, the mis-truths and unfaithfulness or being at home and unable to find peace.

Dating should have been exciting and full of butterflies but it was some sort of survival.

I figured eventually one of them would turn from a frog to a gentleman....

There were walks, movies, dinners, dances. Aspects of it were tolerable but there wasn't a safe space to let someone in.

My heart got locked somewhere and my mind became suspicious of kind acts.

I did want to share but these dates, these men didn't get me. The girl who battled to be seen.

Who was fiercely fighting to not hate herself, each day. The only thing I gave them, 5 of them to be precise, was my body.

My hormones were raging and I thought it wouldn't be so bad to indulge in something with no heart or feelings involved.

I wanted them to care but they didn't and I actually didn't either. It was still a way to escape being at home.

I figured in this instance I'll be fulfilling a different stage in my life, as most did.

Something to tick off a checklist as crazy as that sounds. I should have waited but then noone special did come around anyway.

I would have been a very ancient virgin. No thanks. It wasn't good or satisfying but it settled a part of my essence that deep down considered myself unwanted.

Dating and sex became screwed up literally, instead of being like the love songs written about it.

I'm not sure how to have an open heart anymore, it's too broken. I'm just better suited alone, where the safe space is all around me and I'm free to divulge as lil or as much as I choose.

#BlogLife225 - In love with love but not with you

I think because I always had such a creative mind, as speaking and expressing myself wasn't an option I was always romanticising scenarios.

I thought life would be this huge dramatic soap opera or film. It all seemed plausible when I was a lil girl, that you could have a bunch of friends and it would be equal.

Or that you could date and it would be a romantic adventure, not creepy, not scary but a respectful union between me and some hunky slab of beefcake..

Even though it took me a long time to start dating and get noticed by the opposite sex. I was still hopeful that it would work out in the end.

Perhaps I should have been more realistic and that way I would have had low expectations and been pleasantly surprised if it did turn out well.

I just feel like I attracted men that knew I wanted something meaningful and I was not that confident at all, so they tapped into it..

Lied and told me what I wanted to hear at the start to fool me and then their true colours came out and I blamed myself for not picking up on this pretend magic show.

Why didn't I see that they were just faking being nice? I have to cut myself slack because I'm not a mind reader. 

Only time reveals someone's true nature. After talking with the latest J. I came to the conclusion that I don't really want to fall in love.

I want (but don't need), some genuine friendships, with him, there was mixed signals and a bad parting. 

It lacked any warmth or good feelings and when he said "You talked a lot." That was a revealing rude eye opener.

I feel like he said that specifically because I wasn't interested in anything romantic. He seems to think he could coerce me into something else but I don't play games.

I just mention upfront that I'm not looking for a lovey dovey connection just companionship and he seemed to switch from being warm and attentive to aloof and a tad snarky.

The one good thing about being mistreated a lot is that you know the signs and language to look for and can recognise it and avoid getting too deeply involved. (Hopefully).

If you're wondering why I shared some of my health issues. I was already in pain and needed to sit down.

He wanted to go somewhere further and I just needed to rest up and get a drink, that's why I said I need somewhere nearby because I'm not doing so good and the reason why is.... I gave the most basic explanation with no real information.

That was a huge flashing red sign, that he was somewhat going through the motions and wasn't invested in my truths.

I was still censoring half of my life story but if someone isn't even interested in the basics, then why would I want to hang out with them??

I would rather someone say. "Thanks for opening up, that's probably difficult. I appreciate you sharing."

That's what I'm looking for. Not another person trying to tell me to be quiet and know my place. Screw that!!

My friendships with females have been rocky. It just always seems offbalance.

As though they respect themselves but not me. What I want, doesn't seem to get a look in, it's just their wants and needs and happiness.

The males just see me as this sexual plaything. I don't give out signals. I don't flirt but still, it's touching the leg, groping my chest, pinching my butt.....

How is that platonic friendship?? I guess the only safe place I have found to be friends with guys and gals is online.

It's easier for me to be detached and cold, when I'm not feeling respected back. I can just end it and not feel any regrets.

In person I just put up with it and let the resentment grow and just feel smaller and insignificant.