#BlogLife905 - Chatty Chicks Watching Flicks 21 - My Big Fat Fab Life S12/13

I only saw half of season 12 of My Big Fat Fabulous Life and now I'm watching it in full.

I'm now wondering if the reason Whitney mentions having kids so much is not personal preference but to please her Papa, who is determined to get Grandkids.

There were two episodes I was particularly interested in, the psychic one, even though I don't believe in it and knew it would be vague.

And the friends group gathering, in which she questions What's wrong with me?

I wanted to see if there would be a brutal Truth Hurts session.. I don't wish bad things upon her, I just think real friends should be able to admit, when you're behaviour isn't the best and that's why you're unappealing.

Just so that you can take it in, reflect upon it and not see it as a vicious attack but something you can learn from and evolve into someone mature and wholesome to be around.

I like what Jessica said, don't think of it in serious terms, like he'll be your future hubby, see it as casual dating.

Oof she saw shot Lenny down quickly, when he said You're definitely better than you were..

And then when he was alone, he admitted, she's too picky and expects love to fall in her lap without making any effort to find it.

She asks their opinions but is not interested in hearing it. She needs one a professional straight talking therapist and two a professional matchmaker.

The only view that matters to her is from her Papa but he's quite single minded, he wants her to be skinny, married and produce kids.

That's not going to happen without changes. Oh she did hire a matchmaker..

In season 13 which has just launched there's supposed to be significant weight loss, going from the rumours from a weight loss pill.

An example of thoughtlessness is that she doesn't want her Papa to sell her family home, even though that's what he wants, so she's renovating a downstairs room, to manipulate him into staying put.

Why hasn't she tried speed dating or some sort of singles mixer group meet and greet thingy?

Her negative qualities that her friends are too scared to mention are... That she's a bad listener.

Puts her needs above everyone else's. Is quite bossy and demanding, is not independent, always need to rope someone in to accompany her to places.

Doesn't ask if they are free, just demands they come along with her. Why can't she manage to do things by herself as a grown up?

Plus reddit is full of theories that debunk her truths, why not just be transparent?

You lose all credibility when you lie. She's making less and less effort to go places.

Could even be simple things like pampering treatments, grocery shopping, going for walks, some outdoor hobby, some purpose that she's passionate about.

That's what is missing. If she was serious about finding someone she would make more of an effort to get out there and mingle.

If she needs constant motivation to do things, it feels like she should hire a drill sergeant personal assistant to get more accomplished.

Outdoor activities, could be joining various dance classes. Learning new languages.

Trying out different cuisines, an arts and crafts workshop? The whole Kenny thing, I don't know if he was interested or not, the family did seem to be pressuring him to romance her..

Oh ok, I can't find the last three episodes of season 12, so onto 13 then.

Hmm, she was in London ok, teaching a class and then Tal was kind enough to pick her up from the airport, did she ask him a single thing about how he was doing? 

Nope, hogged the conversation completely. Friendship is give and take, not just me me me. 

It's about checking in and asking the person, Enough about me, tell me about what's new with you?

That's a lot weird Tal expected Whitney to cut Ashley out of her life because he had beef with her?

Not very mature, their friendship is a separate thing.

Once again this season she's talking about moving away? Didn't she try that before and it didn't work out?

What about her Papa that moved in with her or is temporarily there because of grief and declining health and/or loneliness?

The whole baby storyline is silly, to be a parent you have to be mature and selfless and she's neither of those.

#BlogLife903 - Chatty Chicks Watching Flicks 20 - Virgins TV Show

It's been a bit of a slow day brain wise. I wrote half a post and there didn't seem to be anything more to add so I thought this new show I've gotten into, let's make a post about that.

It's been a while since I did a Chatty Chicks, it's not limited to films, I just liked that it was catchy and rhymed ha.

Anyway, I don't want much reality shows. I like My Big Fat Fabulous Life because I want to see her evolve.

In the past I loved Celebrity Fit Club, Celebrity Wife Swap, lots of drama there, but sometimes a lil too over the top.

Anyway back to Virgins, I was looking for something new to unwind for the evening and I saw this and thought Hmm, I don't know..

But I clicked on it and it's surprisingly interesting, not too be unkind but some characters are more likeable than others.

It's about 4 adult virgins who haven't dated much and some are insecure and hesitant let's say.

It does bring up a lot of questions. When is the right time to say you're a virgin?

Most people seem to run a mile when that's divulged and you don't want to invest and then have them disappear.

Although me personally bringing up sexual things on a first date, sets a bad precedent, from then on it seems to become the main focus.

That's been my experience anyway. Then again, honesty is best right? It's a delicate matter.

On to the characters, I don't want to give too much away. First up the only male Alex.

He's 34yrs, living at home with the family and has social anxiety, he seems sweet, approachable, caring.

But that's going to be awkward bringing dates home...

Then there is Rhasha, she's 42yr and probably the bubbliest of them all.

I think she's outwardly confident and open to new experiences and dating but like Alex, deep down there's insecurities.

And also her wanting to explore something means, she's going to need a partner that she trusts implicitly....

What strikes me, is that they all assume sex will be this natural beautiful experience but you need to know, trust and care for the person and vice versa for it to be like that.

Sonali is 37yrs and is probably the shyest and most reserved out of the bunch.

I'm almost wondering if there's trauma or she's closeted because she seems stunted.

She definitely needs therapy or to start journaling about what's really going on because something is way off.

Deanne is 35yrs and is similar to Sonali. I don't know if she's been through something or is closeted.

She appears strong willed and very confident but inside I think she's a mess.

On the date she barely conversed at all. Even if you're not interested, I would still engage, I just wouldn't flirt, but I would be polite and ask questions.

She only wants highly attractive possibilities, in looks and body wise, these pretty boy males.

But those types are going to want experienced loose women and how can she compete?

Plus they will banter also, it's almost like she doesn't want to emotionally or intellectually connect, but why not???

Does she feel she won't measure up? I find that strange. Worse still it's like they are going to pick anyone and sleep with them.

There is a lot that goes in the head with intimacy, it's really not going to be that easy to just sleep with someone and expect them to treat you well or call you the next day.

That's why I hope they all take it slowly. I think if someone likes them enough, they'll ask questions, why they waited so long?

They won't rush them, but get to know them and take it step by step.

The dates and exercises have been interesting so far, go karting, selfie something, (not my preference).

And that workshop, where it was in a controlled atmosphere but they hugged, held hands, flirted a lil, was a good icebreaker.

I might add to this as the series moves on. Yeesh heart just stopped as I heard the loudest thud against my walls outside as a ball repeatedly slammed into it, as though the glass was gonna smash.

Ughhhhhh stress!!!

Last thing, for Sonali they recommended a sexual surrogate who is trained to put the inexperienced at ease.

That seems so extreme. Who would want their precious first time to be with someone like that??

I would have suggested to start reading trashy romance novels, to get into that romantic mindset.

I just thought of something else, the surrogate is pushing her to explore her body, especially below the waist and she's dead against.

For her, seems immoral. I just realised a good compromise would be to start with her upper body? A chest massage?

I don't want to be graphic at all but the show is called Virgins..

I always think when a patient isn't responsive to a suggestion, there surely must be a workaround?

When I started attended Church, I was taught the same thing, that self exploration of one's own body was a sin, so in a way it still feels wrong.

In that aspect I can understand where she is coming from. I was reading the Twitter comments and someone pointed she might even be asexual.

Which means someone without desires, attractions. Hmm I don't think that is the case exactly, Sonali claimed she falls in love via a kiss.

She clearly doesn't know what love is, that is a deep connection to someone. Knowing them inside and out.

But there must have been some feelings involved, most likely an infatuation or crush.

#BlogLife901 - And another thing..

One other thing that's been annoying me is that when the twit UC advisor called me up, he said next time you're late pop a message into the journal.

Ahem!! I don't think I've been late for your meetings ever so that's insulting, I'm usually there early and it's You that keeps me waiting!!

Secondly, I could barely stand and function, you want me to stop, try and remember the login, get the stupid idiotic text security, paste that and try and type in my present state??

Twit! When I got up to ask the staff for help in the library I was so shaky I had to hold onto her desk, otherwise I felt like I was gonna fall or collapse!

Jerk! Anyway had to get that off my chest.

I forgot to mention that as I was emptying the old bag to transfer the contents, in the lining, I felt something and I thought Oh my...I thought you were lost.

Any guesses? I'll wait.. Nope, not that either, shakes my head, sorry none of you were correct.

I found, not one, but two...... Tweezers ha! I literally bought a set and soon after thought I had accidentally chucked one away but nooo it was caught in the lining, how weird.

I have an update on the drops I bought, it doesn't cure the dry eyes, it's just refreshing in the moment.

I think I've used better quality ones but these were very cheap. I don't know if I would recommend them, my eyes are non stop itchy and dry at the moment so I'm using them a lot, whereas other ones, I'm sure I only used them once or twice a day..

TV wise, I'm re-watching Kiralik Ask on Youtubey to see if I like it any better and can finish it the second time around, hmm.

Also I found a new show called Outrageous, the British version of Bridgerton but tamer, less laughs, less wildness, actually it's a lot sadder.

I wish they had lightened it up. It's about a former wealthy, now struggling family and their daughters mainly.

Ok I've just checked the UC payment for the end of the month, expecting to see the usual £800ish and they've bumped it back up to what is was before when they were covering the whole rent.

What's even stranger is that, previously in May when they paid the £800ish only, they've rewritten the statement to say they paid me just over £1k.

What is going on? They love to drive me around the bend. I'm not questioning it, if my bills are covered and I can get groceries, that's all I want.

But what on earth made them change their minds? It's so perplexing, why do I think, in July it will drop back down to £800ish again?

Could the landlord have told them about all the supposed arrears I was charged over the years since moving in??

Did they take into account suddenly my health conditions? They've continually said No you're not entitled for full rent coverage and now they've whimsically changed their minds yet again.

I'm thankful, I really am. I just wish their was some stability so I could stop worrying for good.

#BlogLife899 - Ask Laftan Anlamaz - Is this what passes for romance??

I have six episodes of this dreadful series to get through. I do not fault the acting at all, sometimes it's a bit hammy over the top but it's entertaining-ish.

This is a fluff post so I'll just share what it's about, I might have done this already though.

I'm watching it on Youtubey, but half the time the English subtitles are missing so that's really annoying.

It actually reminds me of two other shows, Kiralik Ask because it's a similar plot with the boss/employee, huge deception between them.

And then also Sefirin Kizi because of the constant abuse. I stopped watching both of those shows because I couldn't stand it any longer, deceiving and hurting someone you care about, is not my idea of romantic escapism.

Anyway back to the show, the main character Hayat and Murat have a contentious relationship.

She starts off as an unqualified assistant who masquerades as someone better qualified and a friend of the family but no-one knows what she looks like, so she gets away with it.

I can't stand that both the main characters are unlikable self centred egotistical people that only care about themselves.

When their friends are having a hard time, they bring it back to themselves for sympathy......Yuck!

Also the problem with a lot of Turkish dramas is that somehow the writers think disrespectful abusive tyrants are romantic heroes????

Why?? In real life they would be dumped and avoided. Do you want a partner that's constantly painfully and forcefully grabbing your arm and dragging you places?

Do you want someone throwing all your mistakes in your face, all the time and plummeting your self esteem to nothingness?

Lastly do you want someone yanking your wrist so hard you're yelping in pain? Slapping your face? Pushing you?

Forbidding you from leaving the house or talking normally to any other males???

No, no, no you do not!! So you can't help but wonder, what are the writers thinking when all this is acceptable, lovey dovey behaviour?

The fact that the friends and family are pushing them together and she almost dies at the end, sickens me but I'm nearly at the end so I just want to see what the result is.

In my head, she's left him to be with someone normal that doesn't abuse her but obviously I know that is not the case.

If the two leads have strong opinions, that's fine, you can get some back and forth, when there's obscene jealousy and violence though? Nope nope nope, just wrong.

That wouldn't work in real life, first it's grabbing, then slapping, then eventually it's punching, it doesn't suddenly improve.

And it's worse that he's manipulative, first nice and apologetic but when she doesn't accept it, he blames her and invades her personal space, not giving her a moments peace.

It's suffocating to be with someone that possessive that you can't have your own interests and career without them.

She literally wants to thrive and he wants her to be a good lil wifey and dote on him constantly and make him bloody coffee?

So he critiques her work, her passions because he's jealous she wants to do something without him.

Is that disgusting or what?? I can't recommend it at all, started off cute and then just got so bad.

Plus they don't trust the other is faithful at all. What kinda marriage is that?

On one hand it's sad and on the other, they just play so many games at each other's expense and it always backfires.

So dumb! Sorry I did want to like this but I just don't. It's something that bugs me, that thing of being made to feel bad or incapable constantly pushed buttons and being manhandled???

Nope can't stand it! The last straw was him saying You're not allowed to leave the house and he was purposely getting dolled up as though he was gonna cheat on her..

I mean seriously???? She's not a wife, she's a prisoner and yet he can say to her Where have you been? With whom??

But heaven forbid she ask him the same thing. Ugh! Watch it if you must, me personally I prefer when the males respect their partners.

#BlogLife882 - It's not how you look but how you feel..

That's not bad, the Iceland shop just arrived and I unpacked it and thought I would make an early breakfast but actually I don't feel hungry as of yet, so I grabbed some hula hoops instead ha.

I had an Android update for my A16 Samsung but no version 15 yet but apparently soon.

I enjoyed the salmon pasta from Zoom so much that I bought some more, this said lightly smoked but is the real version of salmon, the fillet variety, I hate the thin stuff, yuck.

I don't know what I'll do with it, probably add it to some sandwiches as I have half a loaf of bread left and not sure what to pair with it.

I got into yet another new show Code of Silence about a deaf woman who reads lips and ends up helping the cops but she get's over involved.

I know I shouldn't compare it to Sight Unseen as she is an actual detective who is blind but I can't help it as the main character in Code of Silence is so much more likeable ha.

Ugh this weekend is up and down because I have so much breast pain and cramps and nausea.

I think I will get another period soon, it's the only thing that explains it. I feel icky.

Ugh Twitter is acting up, it's not loading properly so I will leave it for a while but I was just wondering about something.

I'm a very ordinary person, the opposite to a celebrity but how do you feel when the lead people starring in a show or movie, like your tweets?

It's only happened to me twice and I go to their profile assuming it's a doppelganger fan page but it wasn't.

I'm chuffed but the cynical side of me thinks it's probably just their assistant reading out tweets they were mentioned in and not them personally acknowledging it.

My first instinct is to thank them and then I feel like I would be bothering them, I mean who am? A mediocre person.

I just find it entertaining to talk about films or tv shows because it generally relaxes me. It's escapism from real life heartaches.

By the way I've finished Code of Silence and highly recommend it, it wasn't too predictable, lots of action and giggles.

It's not often you see people with disabilities in the main role. In one sense it's don't underestimate us and in another sense it's could/should I be doing more?

Then the guilt washes over me and the pain rears it's ugly head. I feel useless most of the time anyway.

I guess in my case, people assume I'm faking or exaggerating the symptoms and I only I know the truth about my daily struggles.

The physical and mental toll. The inner peace I get from distancing myself away from others.

Talking of which I stayed away from chat for a few weeks while I was recuperating but last night it was too early to sleep so I popped on looking for one person JR.

And actually the first thing he said made me laugh instantly. Omg, you're alive? Ha, he is such a ham!!

So we had a mini update and then he had an early night so excused himself, I was glad because I was tired too.

He's a fly by night, not interested in a deeper connection, hasn't asked for email or a number, which tells me he's probably not as single as he makes out.

He is after all a J and those are dubious, every one of those, ha! But until I know for sure, we'll keep chatting.

#BlogLife880 - All over the place

Song of the day - Dave Hollister - Yo Baby's Daddy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCq6CRf8Ygg

Apologies I know it's another late post but I had a late night and late morning and busy day, so here I am, with thoughts scattered around.

Song of the day is back because as I was getting up this morning, I had the playlist going and it reminded of of when I was younger.

That's when I used to have the answering machine on, for my mobile, but instead of an outgoing generic message, I would play a snippet of a song, so whichever guy I was avoiding that was plaguing me with calls, would constantly hear it.

And it made me laugh because these songs had such cutting vocals at times, much better than I could articulate back then.

Anyway I tried out the Marks cheesy ravioli, it had too much tomatoey sauce and weirdly not enough cheese inside, it was nice pasta but again needed more seasoning and more cheese.

Odd that Mark's meals are very hit and miss for the price. Two newish shows maybe, I'm not sure of the release date.

One was called The Royals and luckily the english subtitles for this indian show were spectacular for once.

It's about this CEO Sophia who takes on a project to build and market a hotel centred around this Royal family.

Her love interest is Aviraaj/Fizzy, an irresponsible playboy Royal.

I wanted to like both or either of them but I really didn't. The lead Sophia just seems usery/manipulative.

I feel like the show wants us to feel sorry for her, or root for her success but as I continued watching, I couldn't care less.

It was the whole personality, the friction between the leads a quick hookup and then saying You're not my type I don't like you and expecting him to tolerate that and what?

Beg for a chance? Pfft. Then flirting with her ex who was convenient for an ego boost but at the same time throwing it in his face, he was jealous of her.

Yuckity yuck, I was rooting for him to leave her asap and he was headhunted away, thankfully, she stopped being able to use him and he grew tired of her bs.

The lead himself was troubled but he was push/pulling her away also, and I know that's typical standard fashion but only if the characters are likeable, which I didn't find they were.

Enough of that, onto the next one Pulse. I got happy as soon as I saw Justina Machado was starring in it.

It's about these young group of Doctors navigating through life and work.

One the lead, Danny/Danielle, is promoted after accusing her former mentor/boss (Xander) of sexual harassment.

She seems to have trouble coping with stress and confidence and experiences panic attacks regularly.

But as the story unfolds, I find it weird because both her and the love interest are flirting and dating and getting along mostly.

It all seems consensual, then she's changing in front of him and agrees to working along side of him without flinching???

It just seems like she's playing games or sabotaging his career on purpose.

I know it's just fiction but if she is lying I hope she get's reprimanded for it, that hits close to home to me as I've experienced a lot of harassment and it's not joke.

It is entertaining apart from that sordidness, although not keen on the gory bits.

#BlogLife850 - Chatty Chicks Watching Flicks 19 - Redemption/Rookie Feds

I just started watching two old shows, both I think were cancelled.

Redemption is a UK show, about an estranged Mama-daughter relationship.

As a teen, the daughter runs away from her overbearing parents and starts a new life, reinvents herself, doesn't reunite with her old life, has two children..

Then the Mama who is an Inspector detectivey cop gets a call that a woman was found and she was the next of kin.

Fast forward I think the Grandmother ends up adopting the kids, moving to Liverpool and starting her career there.

The daughter's death is ruled a suicide but she didn't leave a note, no cryptic goodbyes to the kids?

I bet it was murder. Then the Grandmother finds pills and money, that her workplace suspended her from.

Wouldn't the Police have searched the property for clues, a suicide note? Shouldn't they have found the bag full of pills/money?

Also why didn't the Grandmother, hand the bag over to the Police to aid the investigation?

Added to the craziness there is a break-in, obviously they are looking for the bag.

She has young children, they are going to break in again, you're willing to put the kids and yourself in danger?

Odd, odd odd!

I'm thinking it's not necessarily the Mama's loot, maybe one of the kids are drug dealing?

Also suspicious is the daughter's ex wasn't at the funeral, I don't think, yet he skulked around, let himself into their place to collect his belongings.

He could have called to arrange a time, he could have posted the keys back.

Did he return for his stuff or was it the drugs/money?

Also I wasn't keen on the granddaughter's attitude/cursing. If it wasn't for the Grandmother you'd be in a damn care home or on the streets, show some damn respect.

I wouldn't tolerate that, I would instill manners while they are young so they can function politely in the world, the kids are a reflection of the family..

Hmm she really should have been transparent about the custody issue.

Plus she needs to scare the granddaughter straight, she's dealing drugs and laughing about it, not worried about jail, or arrests.

Maybe because the grandmother was strict with her daughter, she's afraid to be harsh with the kids but being too soft is counter productive.

She'll go from selling to using to prostitution to jail, it's not going to be a pretty result, college university success.

The second show is a spinoff from Rookie. I did used to enjoy that but it got too dark.

When it's too heavy like that, it wrecks my mind. I want something light and entertaining, so the spinoff seems more humorous and gentle.

Two recent bestie recruits join the FBI and are finding their way. One the guy is an ex actor, the other is an ex school counsellor.

It's cute. They keep having crossovers with The Rookie which I don't mind.

I wish it had lasted longer. I liked the closeness and friendships, plus the romances. 

#BlogLife838 - Chatty Chicks Watching Flicks 18 - The Have and The Have Nots

This is an old tv show that I just started watching recently. I'm on a Tyler Perry binge, it's soo good though, the intricate stories and the layers unfolding.

One minute you're laughing, then sad, then confused, then shocked.

It's quite brilliant how it unravels. It's mainly centred on this family, with a wealthy complicated dynamic.

The kids both went through trauma, one is suicidal, one is an addict.

The hubby is a serial cheater, the wifey has cancer and noone in the family knows, just the kind maid, who becomes a friend.

Then on top of that, the son's addiction counsellor has a serious crush on him, but he's closeted because his parents will disown him if he comes out.

But the son is straight and he's trying to combat his insecurities and reconcile with his girlfriend, only the counsellor is sabotaging it.

On one hand, you feel sorry that he's stuck and his parents aren't supportive and on another, you're seriously creeped out by his actions.

He's a therapist, he's supposed to be neutral. I hope that eventually he'll fire himself as a therapist and seek help to come to terms with his identity.

That's why in counselling, you're supposed to undergo it first, before you treat others, how can you know the right thing to do or say otherwise?

Except for me, I think I did pretty well but it was draining. I just felt my own stresses on top of it and it got too much.

Although at least I am trying to explore everything that's happened to me and how I'm feeling, that's not professional but it's a gateway at least to understanding myself.

Anyway the last thread is the husband's latest mistress turns out to be his frail daughter's new bestie.

And she blackmails him, ha and complications ensue when he and his bestie retaliate.

Goodness me it's a lot, but very fascinating. I have to say though during today's chat date.

I ended up adding a bit to one of the stories. It wasn't much and not really anything major but at least it's helping to move it along.

I love that he was working and multi tasking and still could maintain a conversation.

Today he brought up the number swap thingy and I'm ok with it but he's slowing down the pace and I can't say it bothers because we chat daily now.

Well kinda always have from the beginning and now it's migrated to during the day too, not just evenings.

I'm content as long as I get the daily post out and sort out my emails and all the UC obligations.

Then I usually break up the day with munchies, watching half an episode and gaming, Looney Tunes, Scrabble, Match Masters or Klondike.

But the time does fly because sometimes I'm working on what to say tomorrow but actually I have a few drafts at the moment, with various themes.

I doubt if I'll see him tonight, I'll check at 9pm as he was off to the gym.

I'm going to watch Tracker and there is a new episode of Found out.

The problem with these shows is, there are so many gaps between episodes, I forget what on earth is happening.

There is a new love interest for Candace the former mistress he seems decent but I think it's a long con game.

He's just almost perfect. I cringe that he said he was looking for someone exotic, ickkkkk.

I always feel like it makes us non-caucasians sound like we're a novelty object, something to capture, have fun with and discard because it's a bucket list, we're not people, we're playthings.

The other thing he said was that he's a serial cheater and womaniser, he chases, conquers and then moves on.

But the way he's kinda romancing her, it doesn't seem like a fling.

I think he's trying to implicate her in insider trading or some other shady deal, to lose her cash and therefore lose her security.

I do actually hope that's not the case, if he's a good guy, it will be her first.

He's dangling this investment bait but deliberately not pushing to make her think, it's her idea.

That's why I don't trust him, he's pushing her to be vulnerable, this lets her guard down, and you don't think straight, when that happens.

You're just want to stay warm and fuzzy, not cautious about motives..

I just want to add this theory as I am near the end. The daughter Amanda ends up allegedly committing suicide as she goes through another catastrophic event.

If it was murder I thought the only person with a motive was her attacker but then high on drugs the brother blurted something out.

I wonder if in his fractured delusional state he murdered her and made it appear as a suicide?

Because he ended up shooting his Papa and his Mama but not directly at his Mama, it turns out, he spared her..

He blames his parents for not protecting him and thinks they don't care but then he's full of self loathing and insecurities.

Mistaking friendship for exploitation. Anyway as usual I am over-thinking it all.

I can just relate to the angst of that constant building turmoil and if you don't get help or a release, it explodes.

What's the motive for killing his sister? Maybe she was too much of a burden?

Maybe he wanted to spare her any further pains? Or maybe he thought with his family gone, he could just erase the past like it never happened, no reminders left....?

He doesn't want to help himself, that's what annoys me, ample opportunities and consequences and still no growth or realisation that he has to help himself, no-one can wave a wand and fix him instantly.

#BlogLife782 - I'm sick of stressing

I was looking for something to watch to put my mind at ease and I discovered that DI Ray season 2 was finally out.

I'm completely hooked and already trying to unravel the mystery and work out who the baddies are..

I'm resigned to whatever is going to happen next, I don't have a good feeling at all.

More and more things seem to pile on and yep I am a pessimist but then my life isn't exactly easy either, hence this whiny blog.

Oh I tried the Balconi hazelnut cake rolls, quite nice and that reviewer is right, it is almost like a cake version of Ferreros.

I don't know if I would purchase it again, I prefer other cake styles.

In the Match Masters game, I've found a good active team, I was going to quit but gaming relaxes me so I've stayed.

I would say the only negative thing about them is that they are booster snobs, only the highest and best will do, when if you're desperate or skilled, you can make any one work for you, well.

I don't understand that mentality of, asking for boosters and then rejecting them because they are not good enough..

If that was me, I would take take take.

There's no real updates and that's why I'm struggling to write because all I do is constantly worry about not being able to survive and take care of myself.

I go to sleep panicking, I wake in the middle of the night.. It's the first thing I think about in the morning, there is no getting away from it.

I've done what I could but even that doesn't feel enough and they love making the claims extra difficult.

When am I going to catch a break? When is there going to be some peace of mind?

It's getting increasingly harder to stay upbeat and not crumble into a pile of tears.

My hormones are all over the place and I guess at the moment, I feel what is the point of carrying on?

What is the point of anything, when I feel I have no future?

#BlogLife775 - I'm my own heroine and will save moiself..

I've played and completed some of the Unsolved games but some are blocked by bugs and I'm unable to finish so I just start on something else.

I didn't realise under that one application, there were so many games, which is cool.

I just wish it wasn't so problematic but it is free with the option to buy energy or hints but I watch the non existent adverts or just quit for a while to focus elsewhere.

Yesterday I saw a volunteer customer service role I applied for, it's a bit confusing as on one hand it says Work From Home and then it also says On Location, tad perplexing.

I think I prefer the befriender type roles, they seem the least taxing but I suppose it depends on who you are talking too..

It's another freezing wintry day and on the 18th or 19th Matlock with what's her name is officially beginning.

Kathy Bates, that's it, she's very impressive in whatever she does and it made me laugh as she was playing this weak and feeble person, Yea right, she is tough as nails.

I saw the Pilot and it's a story within a story. I probably shouldn't give away spoilers.

Last night I watched the new season, well the first episode of Tracker, that was good too.

The spinoff to Citadel is Diana but it's in French I think so will pass on that.

Palm Royale another costume drama, that isn't really, seems like Desperate Housewives, a woman eager to fit in to the high life but doesn't realise, it's not all that. Hmm..

I've just finished grooming, trimmed my hair, filed my nails and did my brows.

I plucked a bit too and they seem actually passable. I prefer them thinner but it is what it is.

No sign of Postie today, unless he hasn't arrived or I missed him but I doubt it.

It's just past 4pm and I'll post this now and munch.

#BlogLife758 - What to munch?

I was looking to see if there were any new interesting shows to watch and something caught my eye, High Potential.

It's an old recycled theme, of the brilliant amateur stumbling across a crime scene and instinctively knowing more than they should.

It looks fun though, plus some familiar stars are in it, Judy Reyes from scrubs, the guy that had a cameo in Sex and The City.

I just finished watching the Pilot, it's pretty good. Oh that's what it reminds me of, Erin Brockovich.

I just tried to open a packet of cashews and it won't tear properly, so I ripped both ends and it's stuck ha.

I will just get the scissors and cut it open, yeesh, everything that is supposed to be simple, it's tricky.

When I bought the Chinese the other day, that's the first time I had seen the pancakes sold on their own.

I think that's the same as what Hindu's called puri, a really thin dry roti type bread but it's very tasty.

I typically used to see it at the Poojas, which was like a big religious party gathering, with prayers and family and lots of food.

It was always a very smart dress code and probably an all day thing.

I think it was paired with pumpkin or maybe curry or both? Oh shoot, I have the wrong name.

I just Googly wooglied it and no the picture isn't the same. Puris were mini thick and yellow breads.

This was white and thin. I give up, there is a particular name but my brain is fried.

Anyway, these pancakes I got were not seasoned at all, they were tasteless.

I always remember the other ones being really yummy. Well sorry about that, I'm confusing myself at this point.

I got some new things to try.. The club mint chocolate bar, isn't that great either.

The Terry''s mint crisps are tasty, that's a proper sweet tasting mint.

I also saw Nashville hash brown chicken fries, which looked fun, 400g for £4, pricey.

Mini potato pops for £1, not sure what those are, mini potatoes or something more seasoned?

Then because the Gullon is out of stock or discontinued, I saw Gourmet garlic crackers 185g for £1.

I got some hummus and the onion and garlic as dips. Oh the other thing I spotted was Maoam fruit and cola chewy sweets, 140g for £1.25.

At least it will be an interesting experimental weekend. What are you upto?

Alright I get it, none of my beeswax. I hope it's a chilled weekend for you :)

#BlogLife723 - Last of the celebratory gifts

I got Mama's Just Eat giftcard and she received the essential oils, so the last thing I can think of as we are both foodies with a sweet tooth, is some dessert.

I got her gourmet fudge, she favours the Bon Bons brand it seems.

Last time was the fun KitKat variety pack. I thought I would do a Confection Cabin selection bunch for us to sample.

Peanut brittle, coconut ice, fudge ice, salted caramel peanut brittle and chocolate coconut ice.

We both love nuts and I love the coconut ice, when I haven't had it in a long time. They are in small bar form.

I've never seen the chocolate version so that should be fun or the fudge one, whatever we don't like, she can always gift to friends.

I don't want to mention the prices, ridiculously pricey but it's a treat so I can accept it.

Those should arrive this week. No sign of my contact lens, I am fed up of squinting to read.

Last night MC was texting as we swapped numbers, I've known him for months and months.

We are more like flirty acquaintances than anything else.

And I couldn't even read what he was writing, ugh the headaches and eye strain is so frustrating.

The last treat I'll get for myself if possible is some high quality cupcakes, if Mama has a lil bakery type shop online, I can have it delivered.

I just remembered that I wanted to get some spare contact lens cases.

I don't know how often you are supposed to change them. Oops according to Googly woogly, it's every three months.

But that's ridiculous to me. I think a couple times a year only. I just saw a 5 pack for £2.80 and got that.

Normally I would pay £2 and get one but I figured there must be a multipack somewhere.

I need to do some laundry later, I wonder if any of my parcels are going to arrive today?

I'm gonna eat soon. I recently discovered an old show called Land Girls.

It's really good but quite short. It's set during the war and women and girls have gotten jobs on farms to support their families and themselves.

To me it's simple but it's well written, so there are surprises and drama is unfolding gently and it's compelling.

But as with most shows, characters keep disappearing so it's a lil frustrating to see new cast members, when you want to see the old ones.

Although the acting is brilliant so you continue watching to see, what will happen.

#BlogLife717 - Evening dance party workout/Not getting summer ready

Song of the day - Calypso Rose/Machel Montano/Manu - Leave Me Alone

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQ0otZhMXTk&list=PL_S79tzxwHpPMvQb_ft0dgOQA7kcRZsUA&index=83

I know it's been a while since I did song of the day, I just couldn't be bothered, half of me hasn't even wanted to blog, I've felt so sick but after it's written I feel satisfied.

As it's the weekend, I've just done the face brush, cleanser and have the mask on.

The party music was playing and I thought what about evening and well as morning dance party workouts?

I'm also trying to drink plain water in the evenings. I hope it will help with the bloating and overall unwellness.

I got to give myself a manicure, my nails are shockingly uneven at the moment, I keep forgetting to fix them.

When it comes to summer and my birthday approaching, I've never, well nowadays been in a rush to frantically workout and flash my body.

I think I've gotten to the stage where I can wear fitted, shaped clothes, rather than reveal my legs or cleavage and flaunt it all.

I did all that when I was younger, confident or not, I could pull that off and look good.

These days I feel nicer being covered up. Long sleeves, long skirts or trousers, higher necklines.

But there can still be striking colours or designs. I think even if I ever reach my desired weight/size (whatever that is), I still wouldn't revert back to baring my skin.

I would like to dress appropriately for my age. A middle aged woman, that still looks way younger than I am.

I think I could get away with being in my 30s, my face is youthful and my spirit and humour can attest to that.

But even though I'm not trying to be skin and bone. We can all benefit from taking care of our bodies.

I don't know if I'll do the second hair oil treatment this weekend.

My scalp isn't dry but I might cut my hair and tidy it up. I feel unkempt.

I mean't to epilate a while ago but just got around to it, I did my legs and arms.

I hadn't really been bothered about my arms but I thought why not?!

I moisturise straight afterwards because the itch is unbearable. I just put some nivea lotion on and I still had to scratch like crazy.

Soo satisfying ha! I'm still not showing them off but it will help cool me down as the heatwave hasn't ended, like it promised, grr.

That was the second night in a row, that I had trouble getting my lens out. I doused my eyes in drops but it took ages to get out.

It makes it worse that I can't see or feel the lens to put it back in place and I use the camera phone usually but I just couldn't see properly so that didn't help either.

I managed a couple hours of sleep, maybe a bit more but I couldn't sleep past 9am, even though I desperately wanted too.

The pain is getting increasingly worse, it's spread everywhere now, even typing is excruciating.

I confess yesterday I didn't eat much, just some savoury cheddar biscuits and some sweet chilli chicken and I just drunk water.

I'm not bloated anymore, Oh it's glorious to have a, well not flat, but less of a tum tum.

I was really worried about the boiler, yesterday the second engineer came, same day service and in the evening..

He located the leak and fixed it but stayed to make sure everything was normal with both the heating and hot water, unlike the previous one.

This morning, nothing appeared to be working and I thought, this is too much.

Then I turned it on higher and waited and felt the radiator and it felt hot finally.

I got to test the hot water but it takes ages to come on. I'm just relieved all seems well.

Almost forgot, just changed the phone's wallpaper to a celebration theme as me and Mama's birthday is upcoming.

I feel bad I had to delay the visit to her, she seems so enthusiastic about my trip but I just feel tender and a complete mess, with all that's occurring.

I did the last of the cleaning, the bathroom is all sorted and I'm glad because I'm in a bad way and should rest for a few days with no exertion at all.

No dance party workouts for me! I'm not sure if I will do a grocery shop this weekend.

Probably not, I still have stuff indoors and not that much of an appetite.

J is still ghosting me, it's only been two days, but the fact that he was supposed to call yesterday and didn't and hasn't texted back seems telling.

I can't see him getting in touch, unless something has happened. I'm trying not to jump to conclusions but hmm..

He seems to have been replaced by N, who I spoke to yesterday and was straightforward and polite and intelligent.

He hasn't played any games. He's funny too.

#BlogLife704 - Chatty chicks watching flicks 14 - Bridgerton second half

Oof the time flew by fast, just munching and will watch the second half of Bridgerton and then Google to see the spoilers because although I've managed to avoid it.

My phone and Googly keep saying fans are upset about something..

Could it be the last series? Could someone else be killed off or quit the show?

Has a storyline wrapped up in an unsatisfying way? If it's renewed maybe it won't be for 2 years.....Who knows...

My food is getting cold so I'm gonna dig into the show. I'm glad Eloise has a strong reaction to the engagement announcement.

She didn't outwardly protest but excused herself and quite rightly is protective of Colin and said harshly but truthfully..

That he can't love until he knows the truth about her identity and Pen, promised to divulge it when she can soften the blow.

So maybe the whole show is coming to a climax as this is the big secret.

Although there are many potential storylines to be shared still..

Aww Kate's pregnant and Anthony's excited, I thought for a second it was their second child but I was thinking of Daphne and her hubby, so this will be their first.

Ooh I was forgetting that Pen had to face her Mama and see what her reaction would be.

Why doesn't she think Colin or anyone could fall for her daughter?

Maybe she's being protective and not wanting Pen to get hurt? 

That was cutting, asking if Colin had declared his love for her?? And he really hasn't.

Aww bless Colin burst in at the right moment and defended Pen's honour.

I still feel like there will be obstacles ahead.. Oh he said he loves aww :)

But she didn't say it back... Ok this time there is no mistaking, they definitely made love.

With Marina he was so proper but I guess back then he was inexperienced and young.

With Pen, he's way more confident I guess. I don't know why but I assumed Eloise always knew or suspected Pen had a crush on Colin but she seems really taken aback by it.

Even questioning the friendship of Pen possibly using her to get closer to Colin which surprises me.

I forgot the Queen is still after Whistledown also, there's so much drama!

Oh no no no, the Queen has put a bounty that whoever has information on Whistledown's identity will receive £5k.

Oh man I feel sorry for Cressida, not the nicest person but she doesn't deserve to be in a loveless marriage with a man 3x times her age.

He's not even a nice man, doesn't like music, art or socialising. No gossiping or frivolous colourful clothes.

But demands tons of babies, yuck, ick. I hope that she will be spared that and find a love match.

It's sweet that Colin wanted Eloise's blessing on his union. How is he going to react when he finds out?

Will he dump Penelope? Will he shop her into the Queen in a fit of rage and betrayal??

Good grief Cressida's intended wants 4 or 5 babies??? What the hell! Horrifying!

Wow! Eloise just gave Penelope until midnight on her engagement party to tell Colin the truth.

I wonder if Cressida will overhear and spill the beans to someone..

At least Francesca is it? And her new beau are talking more, that seems way healthier than silence.

I think they both suffer from social anxiety. But suddenly Francesca seems more composed.

Oh that's a twist. Midnight struck and I thought Cressida and Eloise were going to out Pen as Whistledown but instead..

Cressida decided that she would tell everyone that she is Whistledown to get the reward money and emancipate herself, run away from home.

But what is the Queen going to do and what is Pen going to do?

Pen just fainted, surely she isn't pregnant already? Oh my my my.

Colin is talking about Cressida and Eloise thinks he knows about Penelope!

Oh ok, nope, the secret is not out yet! Eloise just had a hard talk with Pen.

Convincing her not to tell Colin and to let Cressida take the rap, take ownership for being Whistledown.

Telling her to give it up and not devastate Colin that she Eloise and Pen have lied to him all along.

I don't think Pen can give up her voice, her outlet for anyone, including Colin.

Maybe she can reinvent herself, legitimise it somehow??

Aww well Penelope finally told Colin she loves him and in the Church no less.

She should still tell him the truth, that is a huge secret between them, it should come from her, not from someone else.

Looks like Lady Danbury really hates the fact that her brother likes Violet Bridgerton.

Maybe she thinks he is not sincere or maybe it's the face that she slept with her Papa?

Hmm so only Genevieve the dressmaker is encouraging Pen not to give up on her dreams, as Pen wants to quit writing..

If Mama Featherington treated all her kids equally, they would all be so much happier.

Now she is ignoring, the two she favoured and lavishing attention on Pen because of her association with the wealthy prestigious Bridgertons.

So that's why Lady Danbury has issues with her sibling, he may have stopped her from eloping because the man she ended up with, was not her first choice.

I still wonder if Benedict is bisexual and I don't like his new match.

Hmm he declined the threesome offer. I don't think she is that into him, not romantically, just physically.

Oh my busted! So that is how Colin finds out, he follows Pen as she goes to the publisher to set the record straight and then he confronts her.

You are Whistledown??!!

Oof that stung, Colin said he thought he was undeserving of her love but now he will never forgive her for the lies....

Oh poor Pen and poor Colin and poor situation and too many poors!!

Okay so Pen has reclaimed Whistledown but now what?? I was waiting for the confrontation between Colin and Eloise but I'm glad he wasn't that mad.

And I'm also pleased that Eloise told Pen to clean up her own mess because Eloise felt trapped being in the middle.

Eeek Colin is not calling off the wedding but he is livid still, asking if Pen will give it up?

And saying she basically seduced him into marriage. Not good, that's pretty low considering she was a damn virgin!!!

Bad Colin, uncalled for!

Finally Lady Danbury's brother asked out Violet Bridgerton, been waiting for that for agesss.

Hmm I kinda thought Colin was going do something crazy and cheat on Pen.

I knew he was a lil jealous of her writing abilities. Aww that's sweet, Edwina is married and Anthony sensed Kate wasn't quite content.

So he suggested that they travel to India, have the baby there and then immerse into her culture as well as his.

Still not entirely sure Colin has forgiven Pen. Oh goodness me, what is the Queen upto?

Has she finally figured out the identity?? Ooh is Cressida going to find out what Whistledown looks like?

In a way I can understand Colin wanting Pen to give up writing, but on the other hand, that's her true calling..

At least it appears as though Eloise and Pen have finally mended their friendship.

So now Cressida is trying to blackmail Pen so she can escape abroad.

I wonder what it is going to take for Colin to forgive Pen? Oof and then Cressida just outed Pen to her Mama.

I don't like that, Colin took charge and wouldn't even consider Pen's point of view and resolution, he just completely ignored her stance.

That was wrapped up in a nice way but what is next?? I can't believe the truth is out, everyone knows Pen is Whistledown and she herself orchestrated it.