#BlogLife649 - Sexy Fem Vs Plain SS

Song of the day - Taio Cruz - Dynamite

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4cdPKLGkhc&list=WL&index=50

Mama was telling me about this veggie sushi that's come out. Ocado sells it but when I looked at the ingredients, it just didn't appeal.

I stuck to the chicken one, which was lush. I also just got some Neutrogena moisturiser, the plain one not the grapefruit, for something different.

Plus Delia White vitamin C face wash, I haven't heard of her so an exciting new brand to try out.

My skin is just drying out completely and no amount of heaped on dove moisturiser is helping really.

I guess it does for a lil while and then my face goes back to being severely dehydrated.

At least I know the neutrogena always helps. I decided to be a lil bad and get some more clementine juices and appletiser, just to mix up the drinks routine.

Sometimes it's a lil dull consuming the same drinks all the time. I also just trimmed my hair so now it feels a lot less and more tidier.

I should pluck too, maybe at the weekend when I can be bothered.

Ok I did a weird thing, I was looking at summer tops, as it seems to be get getting warmer and warmer here.

I don't like to be a sheep and follow everyone's fashion, I don't like plain things either, it needs detail.

I was scrolling through and saw the typical flowery crap and I was going to get it and then changed my mind and saw this striking top.

It's a hybrid of purple and black, it's only that the cleavage part has bits of stripes going through it, drawing the eye.

It's a lil slutty, that part isn't to my taste but the rest is just sooo stunning, I bought it and also got a lil vest to go under it lol.

I haven't totally gone crazy and reverted to wearing revealing outfits but for the most part, that top is just totally different to the normal dull range that I see everywhere.

Then I bought some lacey underwear. I'm probably not going to date and this is all just for my benefit but sometimes a woman just wants to feel feminine in her own right.

#BlogLife325 - Summer glow

I have been trying to be careful and budget but there was a few items that I really did need.

I kept faithfully checking the stock levels at Marks and Spencers and today my blue and pink bras were in stock yay.

I quickly bought them and paid for the weekend postage. It stated they were coming from different stores and might be delivered late..

I'm not sure how that is supposed to work with priority deliveries. I guess I will find out.

I think I've played it safe with darker colours so I guess even though no-one will see it, I felt like being brighter and more playful in my choices.

I also saw a multi print top that was mostly blue and grey and another long sleeved top that was like tiger print but more subtle and that had various colours.

I picked the blue/purply looking type. I hope the sleeves are really long, I hate when they stop in the middle of the wrist.

I much prefer them to cover it completely and then some as I always pull them down.

I know it's summer and I'm supposed to wear short sleeves but I've never liked my arms so that's out.

I want to be comfy when I'm out, not self conscious. The tops are due with hermes, maybe early next week.

I hope it isn't Tuesday as I won't be here. The Marks is either DPD or Hermes/Evri.

It's difficult to navigate away from the safe drab dark shades because I'm used to covering up and blending in.

It's a pickle when you're caught in between wanting to not be noticeable and still needing to be seen a lil.

I've felt the same way even when I barely had meat on my bones, it's a confidence thing and mine fluctuates.

But I do relish picking out pretty items and I do get noticed but nowadays I'm not thinking it's negative..

I'm choosing to believe they are admiring my fashion sense and wondering where I purchased it.

The hardest thing was ditching my jacket in the summer where I'm all safely hidden no bulgy bits are not on display.

Big arms, legs, tum tum. However I just chose to spin it to the positive, that I got to show off these beautifully patterned outfits, no matter what my size.

Which helped immensely. I think that's why I'm so fussy. A part of me will always feel as though people are looking and scoffing at my voluptuousness and thinking ugh, how unattractive.

These days I'm dong better, with or without makeup. I'm just listening to music and trying to see myself as someone who is and looks as good as anyone else!!

Whatever you wear and get upto this weekend. Try and feel that inner glow and fuzziness about yourself.

If I'm not me, who am I? (fiction)

I let out a long sigh looked deep into the mirror and just felt like a failure. My cute slim face had been replaced with a rounder version. 

My once thick free flowing hair had become thin and lifeless. My eyes looked bleakly at me as if to say....What happened to you? 

Where has your smile gone? the laughter? The effortless ability to make others forget their troubles and just engage in the merriment of carefree teasing?

I had no answers. I turned away as if to hide from the larger than life image staring back at me. My thighs although never really slim had become thicker. 

My stomach was the thing that bothered me the most. It stuck out so much that every item of clothing looked unflattering. My bum never bothered me, narrow or wider it just gave me shape. 

My wobbly arms I just always covered up in long sleeves even on the warmest of days.

I needed to get out of here to feel the sharp winter breezes wake me up so I could appreciate all the good things in my life. 

I wanted to have my freshly washed hair loose so I quickly tied a white bandana to push the stragglers out of my face. 

Then I changed into a long colourful sunset dress with wide splashes of colour spread loftily all around it, deep reds, oranges, yellows and the faintest black outline. 

Lastly I put my fully fleeced feet into my boots and grabbed my bag. It had just turned 9pm and although late it was still bright enough to see where I was going. 

I locked up and then walked the 10 minutes needed to get on the private beach I owned. It was so quiet with noone around but instead of being afraid I felt liberated and almost giddey. 

I loved going for long leisurely walks at my own contented slow pace. No racing off to do something or help someone.

Suddenly this sense of recklessness spread over me and I kicked off the boots, tore off my socks, dropped my bag and tore off running as fast as I could. 

The direction didn't matter to me I just need to clear my head of all the cluttered thoughts. 

Why did I have to cope with chronic pain when I could see people around me without any morals doing careless acts and not being punished for it?

I'm not perfect but I do have a conscience. I try to be a good person and make the tough but right decisions but there are others that don't think about how they act and yet it all turns out swimmingly for them. 

I could easily medicate with drugs or alcohol but once again I would just be punishing myself.

I felt the wind blowing through me and caressing my hair, the strands kissed my shoulders and then danced away. My breathing became ragged but I just could not stop running. 

The sand on my feet felt soft enveloping me deeper as I ran even faster hoping to escape all the nagging thoughts lingering behind.

Finally breathless my legs buckled and I fell on my knees exhausted. What would it feel like to be normal? To go through an entire day without any pain or soreness? 

To be able to sit, lay, walk or stand without wanting to cry because it hurts so much? My hands begin clutching the sand and letting it trickle out. Strands of time so fleeting.

I don't know how much time had passed until my breathing returned to normal. I looked around as the darkness was closing in all around me. 

I wrapped my arms around myself seeking comfort but not wanting to ask for it. I pushed myself up hearing the familiar crack of bones straining. 

I walked towards the clear blue/green water teasing me with its close proximity. I stood at the edge letting the water wet the hem of my dress. 

Sound erupted from my lips before I knew what it was. Bitter laughter escaped dragging my tears that spilled out over my cheeks.

I can't have the peace I crave. I can't have a single day without experiencing unhappiness. I flicked my foot into a wave and splashed and then did the same with the other. 

This time the sea got aggressive and returned rising above my ankles. I looked up as raindrops fell from the sky in clumps. Pushing the hair off my face. 

I pulled off my bandana and let the puddles claim it. Stretching my arms out, I twirled around and around. I didn't even feel the cold seeping into my pores. I was too far gone.

I realised that the last of my sanity and strength had just ebbed away. I had reached my final breaking point. I stopped twirling and looked back at my house and my life. 

All the pain, sorrow and wounds inflicted on me were back there. Whipping around back to the sea I heard it beckoning me. 

Slowly I walked forward as each step made it difficult to navigate. My dress clung to me, moulding itself to my curves. I paused barely long enough to look up at the sky. My last thoughts were never uttered.