#BlogLife1105 - Almost to the point of collapse, still no phone meeting, selfish bastards!!

Ugh I still have leftovers but I can't move at present so ordered sushi with the birthday money, I needed a special drink too..

My left arm is dead and I wasn't carrying shopping, the bus stop outside on both sides are closed.

Had to walk to the next one, heavily delayed, then half way through, Oh we stopping here, ffs..

Still struggling to breathe normally, just the art of putting on the charger killed me.

I will get up only when the sushi gets here, the hand roll is extra nice and not sure if I've tried honey and garlic korean fried chicken..

Weird the 25% off closest branch didn't accept cash, the one a town away, did but only 20% off.

So I barely got to the uc appointment, couldn't stop to rest 15mins late, which means, probably 25 min walk..

In which by the time I got there swaying so badly, my legs wanted to give way.

I couldn't help it, the excessive sun, pain, exhaustion, dizziness made me burst into tears..

I didn't want them to mark me as absent and withold a payment, so no groceries or bills could be paid and ordered..

In the end ignored me for what 15-30 mins, just gave me my next appointment - in person..

Bastards, they could see, it took me 2x tries to get up from the chair, my legs stopped functioning and still no phone appointment....

And it's happening until possibly the end of August or December, didn't really make sense, I didn't get the blurb...

He said I could jot a journal note and request a phone one, but I bet that's limited to one, dickheads.....

Oh and I should register I'm long term ill, they know, asshole, they don't give a shit!!!!!!!

Thank heavens, nothing to do, today. I don't have it in me!

I was looking forward to browsing or picking up snacks but I can't do that now, which is a shame..

Maybe no more shopping until next year if they extend the roadworks? Ugh!!

My poor body :(

Mama or Mama's friend also gave me bath crystals or was it part of the Cath Kidson giftset? I don't recall..

They are laughingly pungent, so what I might do for the majority of them, is chuck them in with the washing, use it as a scent booster, we'll see..

They dissolved fast and I didn't notice the scent on me, just the usual bath soak, ahh think that's my last red one..

It's Monday morning now, I was writing all weekend for this week's posts.

I was hoping to feel better, I am sleeping but this excessive depleted energy is affecting me profusely.

It just takes ages to get up and stand, the dizziness hits, I fall back down and it just seems exhausting, to go to the kitchen and be on my feet.

I want to get on and do things but in this state, it's a disaster, I'll make myself weaker.

I guess I'll wait for it to pass. My recovery time is getting longer and longer.

I'll have to stop and rest, where possible on the way to my next uc appointment, screw it, if I'm late, my health takes priority.

I can not be in that state again, where my legs want to give up and I just want to pass out.

I'll give myself a couple minutes on the benches, recuperate for a bit and then get up.

I prefer just hurrying to get to the destination but that's not working for me.

The pain, tiredness and the sun is not a good combination. I'm dreading it.

#BlogLife1026 - He wasn't there to yell at me..

Song of the day - Faouzia - Porcelain

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg95iQIm3NA&list=WL&index=83

I really like this song. I was going to add it last week but I forgot.

As I'm going to be lifeless when I get back tomorrow I'm trying to pick out things for brekkie/lunch from Sainsbury so that I can quickly order and hopefully it will arrive sooner rather than later.

It's a good job I perused because I didn't even realise, the chicken sushi is part of the meal deal woop.

£6.50, mains, snack and drink which isn't too too bad, pricier than Tesco but that's inclusive and what I fancy so that will make it overall cheaper as the sushi alone was just over a fiver I think..

I'll probably add flapjacks, cupcakes, and crisps, maybe cereal bars and a wrap or pasta dish so that the meals for the day are easy.

And then I will budget with the £10 off and hopefully spend under £10 for all that.

I'm tempted to buy pakoras too but I need to use the voucher before it expires and I'm trying to spend minimally..

I got it so wrong. It seemed warmer so I didn't do triple layers. Yeesh big mistake it's freezing.

My stomach is churning, dreading what hoops I have to go through and if he reported me for missing the meeting.

But I feel less agitated because the driver was in a good mood and beamed at me.

I don't usually make eye contact but the oyster card didn't seem like it was processing.

So I looked up and his reaction Yep it went through. Ugh ordered the food and they keep putting the time further away.

I don't think grocery places prioritise Just Eat orders. Anyway I'm not starving, just peckish.

It's funny I had to try about 3 different branches to get the sushi and the third or fourth had it.

No cake but the flapjacks were there, I also got pasta and saw a steak sandwich, I thought I can't get chicken everything..

Oh and I've never ever tried Reese's peanut butter cups, as they were part of the meal deal, why not ha.

Nearly a fiver for service, bag and delivery, £14ish altogether and I used my £10 voucher.

Six items. I love saving money. Oof just before 11am, placed the order, 20 minutes later, not out for delivery..

Here is what happened at the UC appointment. I was on time, waited downstairs and saw the formerly mean guy, who had a lobotomy and is nice now..

He said they've all transferred upstairs and why couldn't I use the stairs but not rudely, just routinely.

(There's supposed to be a note on my account to say I have disabilities and cannot use stairs).

They still bloody ask though, so I apologised as usual for making them come down, it's what's expected..

Grovel to beg for leniency when it's a valid reason. Anyway, I went all graphic because I'm sick of explaining myself, repeating it over and over.

I just said calmly, I have disabilities, bones that never healed and I feel like I tear when I climb......

All true but too much information and he said We weren't aware of your conditions (pffft)...

We'll transfer you downstairs and you'll see someone new.. (Please let them be respectful towards my health)...

Please please please. I don't need the added stress and disbelief and disrespect.

So probably I'll get my order in just under an hour, 30mins has passed.

My tum is talking, grumbling it wants food now, tsk, I'm trying to concentrate.

I'm gonna be so sad if things are out of stock.. Everything arrived, it took about an hour in the end.

I'm not feeling that great, the hand pain is off the charts so I don't want to type but I have too, for this and the UC crap.

I had bad cramps all weekend and it's not great when you're trying to sleep and your stomach is just hurting.

Plus I don't know which binaural beats to listen too... The pmt one? The cramps one or the anti nausea..

Oh and I should put on the hand pain one, which means I can't play music or videos to distract me from it..

#BlogLife857 - I don't have to be nice to you..

Ugh I was hoping today would be better. I made sure to have a late lie in, I think I got some sleep, bit broken.

But again I woke up to feeling sore, my arms or shoulders can barely move without the pain creeping up.

I think when it's like this, it takes over and my brain says, I'm off. Shutting down for the day.

I thought it was sweet that when I spoke to Mama last night to thank her for the food and meet up, she apologised for buying a small amount of pakoras.

As they are sold by weight and it's confusing, especially when they keep changing the bag sizes, that's why whatever I see, I normally buy the lot.

Mama gets half with leftovers for a few days and I do too, as it's not a regular thing but something we've never gotten tired of.

But actually I told her that it was the most enjoyable meal of my day, because it was so tasty and I didn't have the energy to move much.

So I appreciated it and we were talking about all the places that had come and gone, others were much friendlier.

Some had changed management sadly and the new owners put me off with their unfriendly attitude and recipe changes.

I always think it's strange to hire people with a snarky attitude in customer service roles.

There's so much competition out there, wouldn't you want someone welcoming and competent representing your business?

I always remember the original owner because either he was born in the same place as my parents or was just big hearted and greeted every customer by name with a warm smile.

He genuinely cared, didn't flirt just valued your custom and always gave me extra ha.

I don't really see that much these days. I guess to be fair, I don't visit many shops regularly, except the oyster one and the international food store.

Maybe people just have lower standards and are not classy anymore?

There is a lot more to be stressed about, nowadays but some professionalism would be nice.

Ok I just tried to scramble up to make breakfast/lunch, whatever you want to call the first meal of the day and I'm at the point, where every motion makes me say Ouch.

I doubt I will be blogging much or at all this week. Sorry about that but once again I can barely move about.

The pain is getting unbearable. If I do post, it will probably be short.

I can't manage right now, at the moment the pain is limited to the arm/shoulder but if it spreads, I'm going to be in agony.

Breathe, breathe, be calm and don't let the pain make you cry and fall apart.

Exhale. I'm going to get lost in fictional shows and forget my current status.

Take care for now. I'll be in touch.

#BlogLife 387 - Knock knock? No-body at home..

Song of the day - Sia - Big Girls Cry

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktjATiwfyzk

I just got home and not sure I have an appetite, I have leftovers, snacks, various goodies but the pain is so magnified with every movement, it's putting me off.

I was running late but I didn't care I decided to do my makeup and miss the bus and it helped distract me for a moment but the exertion of walking about when I hadn't napped was torture.

On the one hand I didn't have to do the 3 flights of stairs x2 but he kept me waiting for maybe 10 minutes and my body was just screaming.

I leaned against the wall to prop me up, stretched my hands, flicked my feet, anything to try and relax my muscles but it made no difference by the time he leisurely came down, I was so stiff I could barely walk.

He always seems surprised that I'm in agony, as though we've never met before. Jesus, even typing is killing me.

Ooh I just downed a bottle of lucozade but it's only the 500ml version. I want to get up for a refill or refuel but I can't do it.

I don't care if I drink all afternoon. I just want to unwind. I think probably the best thing to do is switch off the heating that I'm not feeling anyway and just keep the hot heated blankie over me until bedtime.

I need mindless TV. You know the thing that makes me laugh? He only spent a few seconds with me, why the fuck can't you do that on the phone???

I must have some distractions until I forget everything and everyone. Oh and to end the day in style. I had killer foot and leg cramps that had me spasming.

Fun, fun and more fun........

Puts up a *Do Not Disturb* sign up.

#BlogLife242 - Beauty impaired

I set my alarm early for about 8amish and thought I would get ready and leave early to avoid queues and crowds. I slept through the first or both of them but it was only 8.30am so wasn't too bad.

I didn't leave until 11amish. I don't know why it takes me so long to get ready but it does. I washed my hair and decided to do half up/half down and tie the remaining.

I'm not sure how it looked from the back but the front was tidy. I have grey hairs prominently displayed at the front fringey bit but I am not really bothered.

I feel so old as it is, grey hairs are nothing to freak out about. I didn't have to wait to long for the buses and there are other bits I could have done but I didn't want to tire myself out.

Today was about beauty. I decided it was long overdue and finally opted to get my brows tidied. Wow. I have shape again, they look so good.

The first thing though was the luxury pedicure, the chair has a percussion and shiatsu massage so while my tootsies are soaking I can mostly chill out.

Altogether it was £28 and because it was practically empty she was so thorough. I felt like I had about 3 leg massages. The scrub, the cream and maybe soap?

I'm not sure but that part was totally luxurious, however the pain was creeping in and started to get really painful and I wasn't doing anything but holding onto the chair rest.

When I was lifting my legs to take them in and out of the warm water for the treatment. I felt this immense pain. It was uncomfortable but the massages help.

I was trying to take some deep breaths and stay light and fluffy but it was a challenge. It's not usually this bad but I strained my legs with the mopping and maybe that's why.

I kinda feel a bit dead in certain areas of my body, any little bit of exertion and it's torture. There is more tidying to do but I'll either get to it later or tomorrow.

I did wear that new purply wrap top today and found some blue trousers I had forgotten about. Also a brand new pair of beige trousers that are just a tad snug.

They still have the tags on so I'll keep them for a while and see if I can eventually fit into them.

I went with Pret A Manger, my favourite sandwich shop and bought the chicken and avocado sandwich, plus the chicken katsu baguette.

I overbuy and then stuff them in the fridge as I knew I would not want to be standing cooking/heating up anything.

Christmas defrazzlement

This week has been decidedly rocky. The nausea is coming and going but for the most part it is over with however my physical endurance was pushed to the limit and I felt very dizzy and unsteady on my feet. 

Before I never used to feel lightheaded or shaky but now it comes on unexpectedly. I would usually choose the lift option but that was unavailable. 

I'm surprised I made it down the stairs I was shaking so badly and welling up because it was all too much. I have tried to put it behind me but it keeps haunting me.

I was basically told that because I look normal he made a judgement call that I didn't need any special treatment/assistance and so point blank refused to aid me but this week saw me crippled in pain. 

His uncooperative self had to profusely apologise over and over because I was literally shuffling forward half a centimetre at a time and holding onto the walls to steady myself.

Too little too late. I am not in the habit of lying or exaggerating my health conditions so when I request help or allowances be made for me that is not a whim. 

That is because inwardly I am screaming in pain and about to collapse from the strain of staying upright.

I'm so glad this year was nothing like last Christmas, putting my foot down and requesting that I know whether or not I will be away for the holidays was the sane thing to do. 

I left on the 23rd and was pricing cabs around and then looking around for my phone that I had in my hand a second ago when the cab pulled up. 

It had all my playlists and daft games on it and I would have been lost without it. It was only when I arrived safely at mums that I found it at the bottom of my overstuffed bag. 

Such a relief.

It only took me stepping into her home to feel the burdens lifted and the stress dissipating immediately. From then on I just switched off and let all my issues fade away. 

I had planned to do some writing and blogging but I just didn't have it in me. December had been such a rough month that all I wanted to do was catch up and have some fun and that's exactly what I did.

Presents wise I got some headphones, hair accessories, giftcards, speciality cake and creams. The gifts I bought went down well, mum loves her chic red microwave slippers. 

It went by too quickly but it was a wonderful festive time for me.

Knocks pain out of my mind temporarily

Today I set out in good spirits wondering if I could achieve a few of the things on my ancient task list but as the bus neared to my destination, at the shopping centre I felt the familiar pangs of foreboding.

I dread the walking around, the build up of excruciating pain and knowing that once again I will not be able to be the girl I once was. Energetic and carefree.

This time however being fed up of letting my body dictate what I could and could not achieve, I decided to once again think positively and give myself an inner pep talk. 

Pretend I had boundless energy and that the pain would somehow not be present until after I had concluded my business. 

It worked. I just cranked up the happy tunes and just thought I can do this.

I realised I had forgotten to bring in a form to hand in but no matter. I headed in the direction of the pound shop to pick up some beauty supplies. 

I remember ages ago I used to spend £6 on a single bottle of Rimmel foundation and struggled to find my shade elsewhere but by chance I tried out Poundland's version and found my exact style. 

It's a smaller tube but it lasts me a good while and I just stocked up on it.

Next I hoped to pick up some cooling mist, such a great buy but unfortunately they were sold out and unsure if they would restock them as summer is almost over sadly. 

I saw some nail buffer blocks which I have been dying to try out and they are much less abrasive than what I'm used to but I think they will also last longer. 

I did try to pick up some eyebrow pencils but unfortunately they fell out of the basket and my back would not permit me to bend so had to leave them be. 

Lastly I just wanted another notebook and some pens and then I checked out horrified that it was self service, so I ended up bending anyway to put the items in the bag and that's when the pain started to hit me.

Instead of walking fast with long strides. I made another smart choice and took smaller steps and that really helped maintain the pain. 

It didn't really increase until I got home and then it was quite bad but it was worth it. 

I had an unfortunate panic attack trigger but with my new found strength I just blocked it out and kept taking deep breaths and telling myself that I would be alright.

I stayed still, had my music playing and waited for it to pass. I don't know what the right or wrong thing to do is in these situations but I do what feels right for me.

A few minutes later the trigger disappeared and I put my hand back down, composed myself and blocked out images that threatened to send me over the edge. 

I just carried on walking until I got to the bus stop and sat down feeling quite proud of myself. 

I know that it won't always be that easy. I have had triggers where it affects me so badly I can't stop shaking or crying but I am trying to cope better and with each new post, I find that I can be that much more open.

Pain 1 Me 1

It's not been my best day today. I was in bed for most of it trying not to move around too much as the pain was particularly brutal. 

I did try to get up and ignore it by getting on with my day but soon after I ate I had to get back in bed. It was not a day to be walking around.

I did have some good news though. I won some cash on a competition, a small amount but sweet all the same. 

Last month was the only time I didn't have a win this year which is unusual. I don't normally have this much of a lucky streak but it perks me up when it does happen.

I did manage to get away last month and it was only when I set my bags down did I realise how much I needed the time away. 

I had been so uptight and moody I hadn't realised how much the stress was mounting up until I looked around at my new temporary surroundings and had a couple of breaths of tranquility. 

That night I felt so carefree I was replying to old and newish penpals and even adding more to my book. I do honestly try to be strong and take it in my stride but I am only human and not every day will be productive. 

At least now I have sent off a few short replies and made this post. It is not much but I have accomplished more than I thought I would when I was stuck resting. 

Somebody remarked tonight that midnight was a strange time to be working but there is something magical about writing at night. 

As though time stands still and I have the ability to hear my own thoughts. It's so peaceful with no obligations left to conquer. I can just make notes, edit or continue working on my current chapter.

My current tests are a hair minimising oil which is working exceptionally well on my face, although it does cause breakouts if not washed off soon after application. 

A mini fan which is quite strong but the battery life doesn't last long at all even on the lowest setting and I left my two month evaluation for the biotin supplement which was not positive.

I have found no benefits for the 10k dosage as of yet but maybe it will take longer to feel the benefits.

Going backwards not forwards

I suffered a setback this week. As if I don't have enough on my plate trying to cope each day, I managed to further cause an injury by damaging my arm in some mysterious way as I have no clue how it happened. 

Did I sleep funny? Was it caused by a workout? Heavy lifting?

Either on Sunday or Monday I can't quite recall it just felt quite tender while I was using it and then suddenly it felt like it did back then. I couldn't move it at all without shrieking in agony. 

I couldn't do my hair, I couldn't get dressed. I could barely move and right then I was transported back to how I felt years ago in the same boat - helpless.

Why was this happening to me again? I didn't know what to do and I didn't want to worry anyone so I kept it to myself. I lived on snacks and mostly slept the week away. I couldn't do much in that state anyway.

I tried various remedies like heat and flexing it but holding anything against it or moving it was torture so I gave up soon after. I'm not one for painkillers so that was not really a consideration. 

I did order a hot/cold gel pack so that should arrive next week and I can use it in the future as my arm is practically back to normal.

I just gave myself a massage from those cushion thingys. It helped to remove the last of my tension. This life is draining me and I have so many things to do but I can't. 

How can I make the pain stop long enough to accomplish something? I'm trying. I just need one good day to get everything done. Just give me one decent day please.

No tears left

It has just been a hellish day with numerous things going wrong. From no sleep to bruising my foot and then having a woman on the bus further aggravate it with her trolley, to generally running late and starting my period. 

I had a meeting today which was so badly organised and I was looking at the signposts but for some reason my lenses were all fogged up so I couldn't even read them and my eyedrops did absolutely nothing to help me focus.

I was on my feet for a few hours and I could feel them just wanting to collapse. My toe was throbbing and I was just limping about wanting to scream. 

Today was not a good day and tomorrow I am supposed to meet my mother to visit her for a while, only I don't think my feet and legs are up for it. 

Yet again something has collided with this long postponed trip but I am just going to use a cab service or pay a friend of a friend some cash to pick me up and drive me over there as I am in no fit state to walk anywhere and cancelling is not a viable option because at this point I will never get to see her.

I just want the unpleasantness over and to enjoy seeing her and catching up on all the events I missed. It's bad enough I'm going to be suffering with cramps soon but dealing with all this crap is just getting on top of me. 

I could feel the tears wanting to come out from the back of my eyes but for once they didn't. This time I just maintained my composure.

I think all this venting it out and releasing my feelings is really helping me to grow stronger and more invincible. 

It might seem that I complain a lot or seem frequently unhappy but it is only due to days like this when I am reminded I struggle with pain management and generally doing activities that others find a breeze.

I find what also helps is going awol when I'm away from home. Switching my phone off or just not replying to people until I return. 

I need me-time now and to recharge my batteries and that will help me just as the venting in a blog does.