#BlogLife788 - My Island - population 1

I don't know if it's stress or pmt or both? But I've gone from eating two meals a day, down to one.

I'm just cramping hard at the moment. Last night and today I was struggling with nausea, that's passed but my stomach is just hurting.

I'm going to have to hang up my coat and wash off this makeup soon but at the moment, I'm enjoying laying under the blankie.

It's just gone 1pm but I'm not sure I'll eat later, what I aimed to do before I realised I'd be trekking a lot, was load up on snacks, as I've run out but I was too tired by the time I got to the Market and I didn't have the patience to queue and let the pain become unbearable.

Maybe at the weekend I'll do a mini Ocado Zoom shop, I was hoping they would send a voucher.

While I was trying to sleep last night I was formulating a blog but I didn't want to get my phone out so it's going to unfold now.

As T texted me to check up on me and I'm still at the self indulgent stage of going through a crisis, so I haven't initiated any contact, I just respond to his messages.

Usually at the moment, I'm the downer because I'm not sugar coating the stress, I may not be explaining the details but admitting it, is helping somewhat.

This time I was partially upbeat, but then he was slightly prickly and that kinda unnerved me because I don't want to censor myself and have to worry about what I'm saying.

I genuinely was trying to be nice and cheer him up but there is an anti-flirting element to it.

I'm even more stand-offish than usual as I'm vulnerable and I don't want to be taken advantage off.

So I was tempted to just ignore him for a bit and let the confrontation die down, as he blew up at me a tiny bit but then I thought Nah, I'll suggest some feelgood activities to cheer him up.

He just got back from a holiday and is affected by the winter weather and the days getting shorter etc..

I see him as more worldly and engaging than I am but maybe he's an introvert?

I suggested he call up a mate and hang out and then he spun it back on me and said, Let's you and I get together.....

Ooof, I don't know about that, with everything that is happening.

In person it's way harder to hide the emotions and pretend I'm not having a hard time.

But again maybe going out of my comfort zone is a good thing?

I was kinda trying to weasel out of it, although he does say, he's willing to travel all the way down to see me.

And it wouldn't really be a date or maybe half of one, we flirt but it's developing more as an acquaintanceship, that may follow on to a friendship.

I basically told him I hate mingling and that people are a waste of time and that I preferred solitude/soloism.

That's actually the truth, it's just draining to put yourself out there and either be rejected, disrespected, used or hurt.

But I may just give the ultimate test, which seems to frighten them all off.

And that is to send a picture and I feel way better doing that, now I finally have my brows done.

Because although he says, he's not shallow and concerned with looks, they all are.

Although what if he does look at it and shrug and say And? When are we linking up??

Eeek then I would have no excuse not to meet him. He's not a bad guy, I just feel awkward about these things.

At least for this year, it's not an option as everything is closed and diverted.

I have bought myself some time..