#BlogLife1087 - Heatwave or pmt making me nauseated

I've just finished the Simple face wash that dried out my skin and now I am onto the Garnier Vitamin C cleanser.

That lasted me just over a month.

Umm, it's not what I thought it would be. There is no scent sadly, I expected a lovely citrus, but nothing.

I also assumed it would be a gel but no, it's a yellow thickish cream, ok, let's go with it..

I put it on the face brush and spun it, it didn't lather and sat heavy on my skin, maybe my face or the brush wasn't wet enough?

But when I rinsed it off, easilyish enough, my face felt deeply cleaned and really soft.

It's only the first use and I don't need a moisturiser but I applied it anyway and that felt extra refreshing.

Hmm it does not play nicely with the face brush, I have to stop using it with it.

It keeps going into my eyes, and they are already sensitive so I am better off mixing it with water, softening it and then scrubbing my face with it by hand.

I cannot afford to damage my eyes before I put my contact lenses on or even while they are in.

What do I now, which isn't ideal, is to apply directly on my face and then use the face brush afterwards.

It's not really satisfying that way but sometimes it does lather up, the end result is the same, soft smooth skin.

A few faint pimples but I think the dryness has gone, although the cause, might be from something else I was using.....

We shall see how long it lasts and if I still like it, later on.. Now what to have for brekkie/lunchy?

That triangle baklava/baklawa might be my favourite, lil syrupy, very nutty mush flavour.

Ahh the plain one, the second one I tried was a lil dry, so finally a flaw, but it's a nice selection for the price.

I'm starting to think it's worth the £2.50. I'm sure when it was introduced it was double that price, maybe no-one bought, so they lowered it and it's going down like hotcakes now..

I feel like I'm getting more messages on 7 Cups, now that I've written I'm not taking on chats.... What??

I even had one today, that I already politely responded to with, sorry I'm not available and they ignored me and said Hi, again...

WTF!! I hate rude people! How do you not respect someone being nice and well mannered to you?

I didn't respond. If you want to be a fool to me, I'll treat you the same way!

Talking of fools, I blocked P, 3ish days of being ghosted, I think that was generous, for me to wait this long.

It might not seem long but feels like an eternity waiting. Meh..

I gave chances but for whatever reasons he continued to ignore me, so be it.

#BlogLife1085 - Call to zero....

What is the big deal about calls? The new random seems freaked out about them too.....

Yeesh does noone have balls anymore? I know it's a dealbreaker. 

Sorry effeminate voices do nothing for me but why agree and then back out..?

Why not just say, Could you give more time or I'm not ready, I'm worried how I'll be perceived....

But nothing. Yesterday P (good grief not a J, at long last, yay), said Oh I simply forgot, but proceeded to have a lengthy text session...

Hmm all that could have been done on a call, in which you could have said, You know what, it's a weekday, can it be brief..?

And I would have said, it's disappointing but I understand, rest is important..

Then he said, Tomorrow midday, I'll call or you can text/call to remind me....

Guess what, it's 1.30pm...... He abruptly left the text session last night, did he fall asleep.....?

Or was it because I said, I really don't have much of a heart to give really...

I didn't explain further and he didn't ask. I texted about 1pm and what makes it worse....

He said, contact me anytime because I'll be available and now it feels like a ghost....

And I trust my instincts and knew something was off, men aren't clever...

So as of today Wednesday 12.45pm, still haven't heard a thing and the text was read and delivered.

The funny thing also and as soon as I heard it thought, that's just weird...

Was him saying, the first call will be Midday (yesterday) and the next will be Wednesday at 7am!!!

Who on earth calls someone at 7am? That they barely know??? I said There's no chance of that, I'll be busy.

But was this whole thing, a planned waste of time? Did he set out to bs me?

I don't get it, and I don't respect him for it. Yes I did like him, we talked about alsorts, not just light and fluffy.

I never pressured him for a call, just asked what he thought, I never forced him to accept.

I'm not going to chase, I made the effort and maybe later he'll have the guts to explain himself, but for right now I'm busy..

I wonder if it's bs syndrome.... Where they assume by saying the things women want to hear....

That they can snowball her, get her to believe it and when she/I don't....

When I'm still reserved and sceptical and holding back, like any sensible woman would take it slow...

They up and disappear? Because he said, He doesn't want or need anyone....

That he wishes I could believe that. But men do eventually need women.

I've never heard a man say, Yep, swearing off women, gonna be alone forever...

The way I proclaim it... He was saying, I haven't met the right guy... Pfft...

And that he's gonna take care of me, spoil me, blah blah..

At least I can say, I'm always upfront. I tell them, I'm not looking for anything..

I won't do meets or picswaps. I'm not gonna fall for them or unlikely to get attached....

And they are all accepting of these facts..... Until time passes and they assume.... What???

They can swoop in and save me from myself? Oh purleaseee.

Not one of them are ever patient, to give me time to work through it, or explain my hesitations....

I think either tomorrow or Friday I will block him, because I have a strong feeling, nothing dramatic has happened, he's not busy with work or family or friends....

He's just not interested and is a classic liar. Yes the way he got defensive about me not immediately believing him, was very telling...

Good guys don't shove it down your throat, they are decent, they let their actions and consistencies, speak for themselves.

Remember that lesson!!

Of course I'll update if there is any developments, but there won't be...

It's just nonsense..... You cannot, well you can, but it's much much harder to scheme on a call...

Insincerity tends to come out in someone's voice.... That's why calls are important and when someone resists...

What are they hiding? (I'm over my mopey session I had yesterday) ha.

For every person that doesn't want you, 10 more queue up to take their place.

I don't believe in soulmates but I do believe there are several people mean't for every individual..

It just takes some luck to hopefully cross paths, some are more fortunate than others :)

Being a spinster, isn't the end of the world, there are other ways to be fulfilled....

Like sharing your tales with others :)

Ugh I changed before I remembered I would do a same day Iceland order, luckily I just made the deadline and it's 2.30pm-4pm.

The community event outside is 1-3pm. I don't give a damn, I'm exhausted and sore.

The UC advisor kept me waiting for half an hour so my body was all stiff.

It made me inwardly roar with laughter that she was pissed to have to come down the stairs.

Why didn't you answer your phone? I'll confess here, the real reason.....

One you could have arranged a phone appointment prior to today that would have saved me a lot of physical pain...

But you are selfish, so you did not! Or you could have referred me to anybody else but you did not.

To you, my time is there to be wasted!

Secondly, I traipsed all the way down here, you're going to see me..

Thirdly I don't hear well or am received clearly outdoors on the phone, that's why I don't bother.

I told her, I didn't hear it. I didn't think it was pertinent to add, the phone is always kept on mute ha.

I just remembered something, wasn't the whole point of switching advisors, to been seen downstairs, to avoid the stairs?

They can't even keep up with their lies. Twits!

I feel no guilt and it's time to eat some pasta.

Today's ensemble as it was warm but windy. A black long top and over it a short sleeved purple tshirt.

Followed by brown trousers. The one thing about hair that is so fun as a woman, is flipping it.

I've missed that. It's so much fun. It's doubtful as it's no longer the morning..

But I hope G delivers my groceries, my back is hurting. We'll see..

#BlogLife069 - Too chicken to talk?

I had a strong strong feeling something was up... I knew my instincts were correct.

The problem with projecting that you're cocky, is that eventually someone will come around and challenge you..

So L/J went so so quiet, when I brought up the voice chat, I gave discord as an option..

But he was panicking. I can tell, he wasn't talking and he's chatty, maybe more so than me.

I eventually, got tired of the games. All he had to say was that, he wasn't comfortable or he had changed his mind..

But the fact he wasn't saying anything, really put me off him. I mean coming across as some confident and self assured guy and 1 chat, makes you a complete mess?

Oh purlease. So I said calmly, if you don't want a voice chat, that's fine, I'll move on to someone else.

Then he started this whole bs conversation... What do I really want? Oh that's a shame, Oh don't threaten me, let's not fall out..

You won't find it easy to find someone like me.... Ha so I said randoms are easily replaceable and not to message me again.

I wanted to add, good luck replacing me, but I didn't. I thought I would try to be humble for once, ha.

But I'm just being honest and expressing my needs. A mixture of online chat and a voice chat is something I will eventually do.

It doesn't have to mean swapping numbers, discord has a call feature and you tap it and it uses your wifi I think, simple.

Now the real reason I eventually like to have a live chat, is because, it is so much harder to hide your personality.

You have to think on your feet and make the conversation flow and a lot of men can't do that.

He should have just said, I don't do calls, I'm more a texter and that would have raised concerns too.

But he was making out like a call was simple and he was willing.

What did he think I would forget about it? Too funny.

Sorry but chickens don't appeal to me. I like truly confident men.

I will bet money, that the next time he is on, he will message me like normal and pretend everything is fine.

To which I will ignore him. Ugh my nails keep chipping and now they are really short.

I just booked the Iceland order for tomorrow. There's this jelly and custard thingy, without the trifle cream or cake, looked fun.

Plus the mayonnaise is nearly done and I wanted some sort of flavourful dip to hold the sandwiches together..

I settled on Old El Paso mild salsa dip, it was between that and the guacamole.

But avocado dips rarely taste like avocado, so it's off-putting. I looked at the salsa ingredients, onion, garlic, green peppers, lemon, paprika and oregano..

Which all sounds great, what a blend. Actually aside from hummus or the garlic and onion..

I would have got tzatziki, which is garlic, lemon, cucumber, dil and olive oil but I would bypass that.

I'll let you know what I think of the salsa, if it's in stock, if not I'm screwed..

#BlogLife1065 - Why don't I trust I'm enough, instead of self sabotageynessness?

What 7 Cups has taught me is that I need that intellectual stimulation, I can't just have meaningless chats all the time with the randoms..

Yet sometimes, it's actually my own fault, sometimes..... I... Yes moi is guilty of making the chat flirty, or silly, instead of deep and meaningful..

Do I think I won't be liked for having a brain and talking about something important?

Do I think I won't be able to match wits? (No that can't be it, I'm hilarious).

Maybe I'm afraid I won't be seen as articulate or clever? That I'll stumble over words and struggle to get my point across?

I'm not sure why I do it. I usually blame hormones. They get the better of me.

Well just like that, last night one of the randoms, gave me exactly what I wanted a deep and meaningful....

Only he couldn't sustain it, or maybe I couldn't? I'm not sure I've ever talked to someone who has a really similar background as mine, in regards to traumatic childhoods..

So we sorta bonded over that but then that arrogance popped up.....

I know better than you... Take my advice, do what I say... And ickkk really???

I know my own mind. I know what's best. He was saying therapy was very beneficial on getting him back on track so I said Good for you, glad it worked, but it's not for me.

I don't trust anyone to open up to them so I've been my own therapist..

And he said You should go into therapy because I don't think you have the tools to do it yourself...

I have to laugh because no, I'm not an expert and don't claim to be..

But I do know myself, I have studied both psychology and counselling before, I didn't mention this.

A mature person would say, Have you thought about seeking a therapist?

Does being in therapy teach you to be a know-all? If so, ha, keep it :)

So that didn't really bother me because a lot of people, think what works for them, works for everyone and it's not the case.

We are all unique and different so we each need separate methods, we have had varied lives so it makes sense, no one treatment fits us all.

Then he called me boring for not doing what he wanted and again, I have to laugh...

Younger men think they can goad you and remain unchallenged.

Older women will not fall for passive aggressive bullying manipulative behaviour, we recognise when we are being played..

So I said No and he went on the sulk, which an older man would accept my decision.

Probably apologise for asking and accept it and move on like any adult would.

The last thing, I really have a feeling he was projecting onto me, from being in therapy.

Because I prefer being on my own, I hate people, which I do, from constantly being used and mistreated, why wouldn't I???

I don't however mind volunteering because those people are in the same boat as me, vulnerable, scared, confused, lost.

Those deserve my attention because I have been there and I understand it.

He said You must hate yourself then and I thought No, I don't so I disagreed with him and inside I reckon he hated himself or felt that way previously, and assumed I was the same.

The truth, between me and you is this..

I did not like myself. I did hate myself because there seemed to be nothing good about me, no beauty, no brains, no self worth..

As told to me by everyone, family, friends, men...

But over the years I worked on myself and came to see my highlights, humour, intelligence, compassion, empathy, listening skills..

I don't know if I'll ever feel lovable... I'll always feel broken inside but I do know I like myself, I love myself..

I'm adorable and there is a fiery passion inside me now. That wasn't there before or maybe it was laying dormant.. Waiting!

All in all a mixed conversation. A lot of preconceived notions and not perfect.

But it did make me think and that's always a good thing :)

Another of the randoms, asked to be unblocked and I thought hmm, ok, he's properly communicating.

He said my blocking him, was only due to a busy schedule and I must have been irritated with the few word answers/sentences he gave..

I thought ok J, (isn't it always a J), I will unblock you for now. I doubt I mentioned that, it wouldn't last, there's always a reason for a block..

Men never seemed to learn this lesson, they always assume, they can sweet talk you and then when they have you away from competitors, on messenger or discord or wherever..

Hey they can stop making the effort because....... Boom they think you're stuck with them ha!!

I always have choices, if one random doesn't cut it, I move on, easy.

Anyway, for a while he talked properly and that was fine..... Then he started again, with the 1 to 2 words and I thought nope nope nope...

You don't learn! Quality over quantity, not every chat has to be significant but it can't be nothing either...

I went ahead and blocked him, he confronted me on chat and asked Why?

I was trying to be diplomatic. I didn't want to say the truth, which was that I found him boring..

I said instead, I lost interest, with his 2/3 word comments..

He was livid! Which made me laugh. That is the final straw, I've made the effort, no more will I try. I'm done.

After that tantrum, I blocked him on chat too. I mean, did he expect me to object and fight for him?

What effort????

I'm a strong, opinionated woman. I need to be challenged!

#BlogLife1056 - Experiment concluded

It's been 1 month since I did the experiment, can a hand cream replace a moisturiser?

In my humble opinion? No. My face is combination so it has a lot of requirements.

Maybe I should have put it on the spin brush? But I personally don't think it would make a difference.

I still have dryness around the edges so I need a genuine moisturiser, for a cheap alternative, it was interesting though.

Half a fix maybe? I've just used the last of the Avon stuff, which was the mud mask.

I do not recommend it. Overpriced and did not hydrate my skin, not worth it.

I don't know how long it lasted, it can't be 5 months. It was a tiny tube.

Anyway I'll have to get another one and see what deals I can sniff out.

Hopefully it will be a new brand but it will always come down to the price.

When I get a nicer cleanser, then I might add it and the Nivea cream to the face brush routine as well as having a separate moisturiser..

I'll see...I've just done the washing, hopefully the sun will dry it quickly.

I chopped my nails short because my nail snagged and tore and I like to make them even.

I don't mind them like that, although when they are longer, it looks more feminine ha.

I'm craving cereal bars or biscuits, something other than yoghurt but I can wait until my next shop, no more top ups unless it's absolutely necessary.

Oh I tried the Aunt Bessies roast potatoes, nice and smallish, good flavour.

I should have seen how much the gravy is.. I only cooked them for 20 minutes because my oven is hot but I can see why they recommend 30ish.

It was done but maybe an extra 5/6 minutes would have made it a touch softer. It was crispy though.

The potato pops, malteser size, are better actually, maybe because they are smothered in butter or maybe other seasonings..

Oh at some point I have to ring EE, they keep calling me but my contract isn't up for another year..

I don't know if the saline will arrive today. They said before 5pm but they also said, they will send it to the local sorting office first...

Very confusing. I haven't heard the regular Postie and it's nearly 12pm, maybe I missed them?

I went ahead and trimmed my hair, it seemed messy. Oh that was fun.

Never have I seen live tracking for Royal Mail, so they said 5x stops ahead and it was auto refreshing.

It gave me a rough idea because it kept changing the due time and I knew it was due anytime and then boom buzzed and I got it.

Maybe because it wasn't the standard Postie but a special one, is the reason live tracking was an option?

I'm currently sorta watching In Living Color, an ancient sketch show....

I thought it would be better, small bits of it are good, the rest is so so.

I snapped at one of the randoms. I was already feeling raw, because of Friday's no show and he just decides that's the time to blank me.

So I left. I saw him today and he could have apologised or explained but none of that occurred.

So if you do it again, don't bother talk to me and his only response.... When you know someone is already angry...

Is to say Oh but I replied and you had left lol. I don't know why that angered me more.

I think it's because if I hurt someone's feelings, I'd own up and say, I'm really sorry, it wasn't intentional, something came up.

But I can listen to you now...... You know something kinder but he was like meh, not my problem, kinda, attitude.

And my family treating me like crap is one thing, I have to endure that, like I always have...

Strangers doing it? No no no! So I said, Just don't talk to me from now on.

I am done with everyone treating me like crap. I know, well, I guess I realised I had reached my limit, being surrounded by cold indifferent people.

I have to say, I don't feel embarrassed even though it was a strong reaction, I actually feel good for standing up for myself and speaking my mind.

And not just taking someone's thoughtlessness :)

#BlogLife1053 - Shed a tear or 6..

I've waited as long as I could. My eyes have been so dry and itchy and uncomfortable that I can't do without the eye drops.

I checked my supplies and I'm down to my last saline bottle. Ugh I don't even buy storing solution because contact lens products are too expensive.

It's supposed to be a cleaner, to cleanse the lens from eyelashes or grease.

A storing solution to moisturise them overnight in the lens case.

Then in the mornings. I use the cleaner and then the saline to rinse it off.

Plus not forgetting, once a month, I have to do the deep clean, using protein tablets. 

I pop them in the case with the lens overnight and in the morning, clean them and it's supposed to be like having fresh comfy lens again.

But I'm happy I found a great deal on both. 4x saline bottles for under £9. I mean just over £2 each, a bargain!!

Then 6x eye drops for £7. Just a poundish each, wow, great value! It's just under £16.

Bulk buying at least where eye care is concerned just works out cheaper.

The saline can be £3/4 each for 1x bottle. The drops maybe £2/3 for 1x bottle too.

If I wanted less bottles, of course I could get them but they are used up so quickly, especially the eye drops.

For the same money but fewer bottles, it's not worth it. I need them to last a long time.

I hope the boiler isn't fritzing again, it was making a lot of noise last night and I blindly thought I put it on but it's cold.

Ok oops my fault, I didn't guess/press the up button high enough, it wasn't on but it is now.

That clicking sound is music to my ears. I just switched on the heated blankie too and got some crackers and butter for brekkie/lunch.

I can't believe I still went out and forgot to get some cheese, whoosh just went out of my mind.

The other things eventually to get are slippers, body butters but this time scented grr!

And I have no idea what else.. I guess clothes in smaller sizes but that doesn't seem like a priority, more vanity..

Yesterday I went ahead and blocked J on discord, as it's nearly a week and from regular chats to zero, seems off to me.

Something that really irritates me is everyone asking/saying.. Oh where you live is so expensive how do you afford it?

Everywhere, everything is pricey nowadays, use your damn brain and sniff out bargains, that's how I manage.

I use discount codes, coupons, deals, offers, whatever is available.

I might buy unknown brands or wait for certain days where a deal is guaranteed.

I only buy what I need. I don't borrow on credit cards. I use my existing funds, so only get what I can afford.

I might price around for the lowest cost. You have to be able to stretch the pennies in order to survive.

You can't just assume people will pay the highest amount, go to the fanciest restaurants, choose the expensive utilities providers etc....

Just because of where they are located. I'm assuming most people are savvy like me.

You can pick an upmarket restaurant and pay 2/3 times the amount, get less food and snooty service...

Or stick with a friendly cafe, get twice the amount of food for a fraction of the price.

These assumptions do my head in!

Oh lastly I've come to realise I have no current interest in fiction writing.

The stories don't compel me. I like the plots, I like the direction and the characters but for some reason, I am not excited about working on any of them.

I don't know why but I couldn't care less and I wish I did. Maybe I'll change my mind?

And every so often Twitter is still blocking my account and limiting my audience and I am getting so fed of it!

#BlogLife1052 - Look away, the joys of double dipping

I just had to have small bites and then I could stomach food. A fun thing I've just tried with the pakoras...

Is dipping it in the mint raita first and then the spicy burger sauce and the combination is sooo yum.

It doesn't taste too burny and it makes the unevenly seasoned pakoras taste way better than they are.

It's like they made onion bhajis and then decided to add the pakora ingredient spinach to make it pakoras lol.

I didn't realise but mixing them together, lowered the spice levels, so I could have more of it.

Restaurants have a nasty habit of sweetening the raita dip and it ruins it for me, but this was left savoury, not salty, just packed with flavour so I didn't waste it.

Maybe I'm bloated and that's why I can't eat much? Please no more periods for a while.

I want my stomach to be normal. Gosh do I have to be skin and bone for all these problems to go away?

I'm almost tempted to go back to starving myself but nope I've come a long way from unhealthy steps.

I guess I'm just a lil frustrated from being tender and uncomfy, when there is no reason I should be.

I'm full but maybe just one more.... It was soo nice..

I feel better today. I slept good. At the moment it feels easier to rest. I still wait until I'm exhausted but the asmr seems to knock me out.

I've done lil bits of tidying. All I have left is to do a bit of mopping and some wiping before Friday's maintenance appointment and that's it.

I'm trying not to think about strangers invading my safe space. Not knowing what their attitudes will be like..

Bit odd, UC said the landlord confirmed the housing costs but they never mentioned to me, I should be paying less.

It's so corrupt! I'm still going to ask at the end of April, the official rent....

We shall see.. I still have to find a day where I'm energised and not feeling off to go and get my brows done, that's proving difficult.

The buses still aren't stopping inside the bus station, so to get to the mini Tesco, is too much of a trek for me.

One of the randoms seem to have ghosted me, 5 days and nothing.

It's odd that he added me to discord and then disappeared. It makes no sense.

I told him something personal, on the surface he accepted it, but maybe not...

I don't really know if I should block him or not, could be busy? Something tells me though, he's just changed his mind about me.

After all......... He is a J and J's and SS's do not last long ha! So funny but so true.

#BlogLife1048 - When is a chapati not a chapati?

Yesterday I realised I was out of eye drops, ugh I thought I had a few, my eyes are so dry.

I'm wondering if that is an expense I can leave out? I feel like they are permanently fogged at the moment, not blurry, just not super clear.

I just unpacked the Iceland order and everything but the pies were in stock, I got the Iceland version which is pretty tasty as a backup, I should have bought 2x packs.

I ripped off a bit of the Elephant Atta chapatis to try. Hmm, they are thin like wraps, but wholemeal which is good..

It's 8x for £1.70 I tore a bit to taste, it has got a nice flavour, roti-ish..

Maybe it will be stronger, when they are reheated on the press and I add butter to it. I bought different fillings, cod, to see if I can tolerate it..

Chicken tikka strips, egg, cheese and sausages, so lots of variety as this will be a main meal throughout the week.

Yesterday I had a phone chat with a random. I always forget that 90% of the time, I can't stand their voices.

At least I warned him beforehand, it's a dealbreaker, young sounding or not deep, is not my type.

I prefer masculine but he took it well and I was polite about it and apologetic.

Can't win them all. Well I enjoyed the fish that was good. The chapatis were a let down, nothing like rotis.

But it was something different so it was ok in that respect.

I won't be buying them again. I want authenticity, otherwise it's false advertising.

I just remembered, although there's no Indian restaurants nearby, there is a Caribbean place and they might sell fresh rotis, although it is to find the energy to go.. Hmm..

Also an update on the Avon mud mask, obviously I cannot recommend it because my skin has dried out.

Well it's in a much better state since the Blink eye drops have finished.

Roti's are a flaky soft very flavoursome flatbread. It's got a unique taste so we used to have them a lot at home and when it's freshly made, with oil or butter, it's so delicious with practically anything.

Oh Mama called about the earbuds and she's leaving on her holiday at the end of April.

She said the reason the links weren't working was maybe me being on the USA website, not the UK version, so it's easier if I do it in person, if I stay with her this summer.

I guess it depends, if she treats me like crap again. I feel like I'm demanding respect but feeling bloody guilty about it.

Ridiculous!!

Ugh I am so irritated. It's April so normally the rent increases. Only my landlord has changed it to October.

Every single time I call up, they change the rent amount. Universal credit wants an up to date record of it.

How do I say it's changed but yet they are still charging me more than they are saying it is???

Ugh it's doing my head in. The same thing, every time, a million contradictions. I want my whole rent to be covered.

Let's be clear in my own head. The last time I spoke to the landlord my total rent was £666.81 for the month.

That's including the service charge. Now suddenly they are saying it's £591.80. 

What amount am I supposed to give?? I am already struggling with the expenses.

I suppose I'll give the lesser amount, I mean they confirm with the landlord anyway, they don't take my word for it.

Cripes, why is it so hard to get a straight answer? Well one of the maintenance appointments is booked for next Friday morning.

Ugh busy week, a UC appointment, meeting Mama and then no peace until Saturday.

Hmm ok, according to UC, last time I submitted, the housing costs it was £122.42 for the weekly rent and £31.46 for the service charges.

Now according to the landlord it is £125.73 for the weekly rent and £22.22 for the service charge, so higher rent, lower service charge.

Yet the landlord still insists I pay £666.81 and not £591.80. Why is it so shady???

Ugh whatever it's done and they can sort it out between them. Leave me out of your lies!

I hate that question, when did it change? How do I know?? They change it on a bloody whim!

You know what? At the end of April I will ask them what is the rent amount to pay, and if they say a different answer. 

I will report it to UC because it's on them, not me.

#BlogLife1047 - Eclair cupcake hybrid?

I'm eating small meals and got around to that concoction I bought. I'll look up the name. (Chocolate butterflies).

But it just looked so funky, a cross between an eclair and a cupcake? Never seen that before.

That's exactly what it tasted like, weird, but really good. I'm never sure if I'm supposed to freeze it because it's got cream in it?

And that got solid but although it looked small on Twitter, it's quite substantial.

I don't think I can face further munching, maybe a handful of the sour cream dill crisps later on.

I've taken off my makeup and hung up the clothes and the washing.

Feels really good to lounge on the bed while the cramps come and go and the earbuds act up grr.

I didn't get fizzies, just orange juice, I think it helped because I didn't feel sick anymore just weak and tired.

Just a quick update. Since P didn't say a thing regarding the photo, hours passed and there was just like reaction type thing.

He wasn't relentlessly asking, just a few times, anyway it pisses me off when they don't say anything.

It makes me think they are finding a way to block me or give me the speech.

I'd rather it was mature. You're not my type, no offence. I don't think we should talk..

But usually it's the speech........ Oh heavens. There's been major family drama, I can't be on the internet....

Goodbye forever....... Lol! Dopes!

So I gave him an out, I said I don't mind being rejected, it won't be a big deal.

And his reply to that was.....What are you on about?

Yeesh could I have been any clearer? So as my revenge, because he's still chatting, just with huge gaps..

Was to go and delete my picture. For him too, apparently that's an option... Ha...

I wonder if he'll notice and if he does. I'll just tell the truth, not that he doesn't deserve it but he didn't comment, so it's irrelevant it being there.

Plus I wanna pat myself on the back for being courageous too! I just boom, went ahead and did it.

And to be fair, I did say I didn't want one of him. I'm rarely attracted. Although I think if you have balls, you insist, listen fair is fair, I've seen you, you should see me too..

He could still ghost me tomorrow and you'll find out this week ha.

But at least if he sent one. I'd say he was nice looking but not the right fit for me.

He already said he has facial hair and that's never my type. The next step is to stop staring at my phone and checking for messages..

Come on SS, distract yourself! Well it's a new day and he's still messaging.

Ha I just let them initiate contact. He literally asked if I was up, this morning. He didn't say goodnight yesterday and he usually does.

And I said Yes been up ages. Then he said Why didn't you message me? So funny.

I told him I thought he was still asleep or busy with work. So my inkling is correct..

He's not noticed that my image isn't there anymore. I get the impression he's bored and keeping me around for entertainment until someone viable comes along.

But that's the thing. I'm using him right back. He keeps saying Don't get attached to me, I know you are/will..

With me, it takes such a long time to build trust, to be comfortable, to open up and work out how I'm feeling, that by that time, they have come and gone..

I don't see myself getting hung up on him but he is really funny, down to earth and good company.

But when someone gives the impression, they are not going to invest in you, I back off and shut down the potential.

I'm not getting hurt. I want someone to care. I'm not interested in a one way mingling.

And I feel like although he's too cowardly to say, I'm only in it for a short team meaningless fling, it seems like he's dropping hints, implying it indirectly.

So I've been straightforward and told him, if someone doesn't care about me, I don't care about them.

And I could walk away easily and not care much that it was over.

I dunno if he's used to women getting obsessed but that's pretty arrogant to say......

Liking me is inevitable....I myself try not to be too conceited but my voice always gets complimented.

Ok I snapped today. He's barely talking, long gaps and then 3/4 hours passed and my reply was undelivered.. In the evening..

Suspicious. So I thought f off! Chicken and just blocked him on discord and to be honest downloaded telegram for him said our calls weren't clear, pft.

Blocked his ass on that too and deleted it. Woop. I didn't say, goodbye, because what's the point?

Messages aren't delivering. I bet he blocked me. Although last seen is still there, seen recently yet undelivered, hmm.. Shady.

It basically just felt as though it was a slow ghost, he was waiting for me to block him.

You don't go from chatting a lot, to barely communicating, without something being wrong.

I've already moved on ha. Randoms are easy to replace :)

I'm not in as much pain. No real cramps. I've ordered the shop for tomorrow and am eager to try wholemeal chapatis.

I think they are brown, they look it. Please be a real roti and not a bland wrap.

There is a huge taste between the two.

#BlogLife1045 - Rice on the face?

I have just used up the last of the L'Oreal face wash and now I am onto the Bioaqua rice raw pulp cleanser.

It doesn't seem scented which is a minus point for me, it's thick but not heavy, my face felt super soft afterwards.

It's not suiting direct application on the face brush, it comes out too thickly and went all over my clothes instead of the brush, not a great first impression.

The second time was better but next time will apply it to my hands first and then my face.

I'll let you know how long it lasts and if I notice any side effects or positives during April.

I'm ticked off! My double period has finished and yet my tum is just cramping and bloated which worries me.

Is there going to be a third? Ugh give me a break from the pain ffs.

I still feel really off, if it's not tummy pain, my back is hurting so I haven't felt like doing much this Easter weekend.

I have the UC meeting on Wednesday and decided I will treat myself to pakoras and a wrap.

Possibly some fresh orange juice and snacks too but I can barely walk and function so it all depends on the pain intensity and energy levels plus if I feel nauseated.

I'm just going to order food instead. I'm also craving rotis but I'm not sure where to get that from.

Ugh Mama told me to use the Cex site voucher, what a horrible page it is.

It doesn't recognise low to high. I don't think the products are new and I chose a few items and when she clicked, they didn't come up.

So I had to search again, 20 pages on the phone because it won't load on the laptop grr.

But I found 4x earbuds, she just said, use it all up, so I sent her the brand names and descriptions and hopefully it will come up on the first page.

So that's my Christmas/Birthday present sorted. If they work I can chuck away an old headphone set that isn't lasting long.

I'm going to wipe them or use the alcohol sanitiser before I wear them.

I'm not in a hurry so will probably get them in summer. I bought me and Mama some protein tablets, I think we are both running out, only 3x month supply left and they are super expensive but useful.

I've written some drafts but I'm not posting this weekend. Tuesday it will be normal but the pain is crushing me and I don't want to do any editing or add anything.

I'm really not in the mood. At least I'm getting chunks of sleep, but all day cramps is ridiculous.

So I got back not long ago and this 3rd period, has stopped I think but the cramps and nausea are too much.

I was late for the UC appointment, of course the buses were delayed and it was so hard to stand.

Was I insane? Did I really think I could go to multiple places feeling this wrecked?

I just quickly browsed my international store for orange juice, cashew nuts and these cake or biscuit things, that were new. I put a picture on Twitter, foodie reviews when I can stomach eating again..

Ugh my tummmmm. I had some KFC and then the rest is for later or tomorrow.

It's the first time I had to put my sunnies on. It wasn't that cold really, I probably didn't need a jacket, just layers.

A weird thing happened at the bus stop. Oh before that the UC was uneventful, didn't wait too long and no condescension today.

Yea so I was sitting down waiting, and this young teen female I would say was just listening to music and dancing.

I didn't think anything of it, to each their own but this mature man, in his 40s/50s...

Felt he had to comment and I felt really icky about it. I don't know if he was filming or took a picture but it made my skin crawl.

He wasn't creepy, he just said It's nice that you're being carefree and dancing and spreading joy.

Now I was glued to my phone but kinda aware and I just kept thinking, Leave the girl alone because you should know better.

And as soon as he made that comment she stopped and probably felt self conscious.

But when he left, she resumed. Maybe I'm overreacting. There was just a lot of interest from very old men when I was lil and it just seems highly inappropriate!!

If you see someone young doing their own thing, Why do you feel the need to bother them?

Yuckkkkkk! She did take it as a compliment but I think if he crossed the line. I would have been livid and shouted at him, to leave her be.

I felt protective. Maybe I'm overthinking it, maybe it is innocent..?

But it feels so wrong and that's how it starts, something that can be taken either way and why was he even at the bus stop, when it wasn't his stop?

That means he followed her there, but people were around. Hell I'm sure there are cameras recording also.

Ick!

Oh there's a new random but as I just sent a picture this morning and there's been zero response, I think new P has lost interest, of course, could be busy with work too.

I just wanted to get it over and done with. He's really funny, not as tall as I'd like but very well mannered and approachable.

I asked him a technical question about one of my stories..... Wow I got it soo soo wrong.

I didn't confess it was about his professional aspect. It's too embarrassing.

I thought I would have the energy to take out the bins but nope, can barely stand without pain so that can wait too.

#BlogLife1042 - Leave a message after the beeep..

 I'm not really here. The cramps are atrocious. I can barely stand. I don't feel like doing anything so I've done the UC stuff and had to do a mini top up shop.

Why do I only realise I need stuff when the voucher's expired? And why do I miss out on a crucial item? Ugh.

Anyway jotting down some notes before I forget but I'm not pressurising myself to publish because frankly I don't feel like it!

I'm hoping the fresh orange juice with bits help my tum, it's pretty nice, kinda pricey £2.46 for 1 litre but I need something to work, the pain is nonstop.

Damnit, I could have looked for soup, grr, I'm craving that and I didn't get the baby wipes.

The page was so laggy and buggy though I think it took an hour to place the Asda order and just under 1hr30minutes to arrive.

I just got some shortbread for the sugary cravings and crisps. Actually I've just noticed something, usually I'm breaking out but not this time.

My skin is just dry and I suspect the Blink eyedrops are part of the reason my face is drying out, yeesh, such toxic chemicals they must use.

I got into it with one of the randoms JB lol, I know I know, he's a J, but they seem to be drawn to me, what can I do??

He seemed fine at first and I assumed most of what he said was him joking but yesterday he just pushed me to the limit and I snapped.

Because of pmt and hormones, I don't always want a cutesy flirty chat and I guess that's the real test, if they can have a normal chitchat about life....

Most cannot, you say something innocent and it's twisted around ugh...

Anyway so I said to him, Can we just have a normal chat and I already mentioned from the last time, I was not feeling well..

So you'd think he'd be understanding and compassionate because when he said he was stressed, I said Do you want to talk about it?

But as soon as I said, Can it just be routine, he went nuts ha!!

Oh you're no angel, you chat to other guys.... So I said And? I'm single, I'm free. I can do or say whatever I want, there is no ring on my finger.....

But he just went on and on. Finally I just said, You could have spent this time getting to know me but you're just a bad listener who hears what he wants too.

Why can't the randoms have some substance to them? So time to find a temporary new random to chitchat with....

Ohh and the thing that weirded me out the most..... It was like he implied he logged on with different names, just to see my reaction....

Ick because before that, he was like Yea I don't care you chat to others. Weirdness overload!

Anyway that's randoms for you, they can never just relax, it's like you are their instant property.

I Caveman, You my woman. You not talky, looky, grunty at other cavemen.... lol.

#BlogLife1031 - Goodbye.. To you and you and you :)

It's time, Ogl has left Looney Toons and that's sad, we begun to have some laughs about the game.

Then I texted P to say we should part company, nothing personal and that I will block his number tonight.

I sacrifice my needs in acquaintanceships, pretend it's ok, but it's not, it never is.

I don't know if he'll respond, I don't care. He had to have seen this coming, last year I think I warned him that at some point I might step away and he said, Let him know first, so I did.

L stopped talking as well, at least she has an excuse, lots of stuff going on with her.

I don't blame her but I want someone I can talk too, even if it's superficial, at times.

I can't be myself. I can never just let go and trust someone will be there at the other end because they never are.

It's only here that I can reveal stuff but even then, I don't always want to share, however I do have the option still..

P responded with take care, thanks for letting him know. Now I can block in peace.

Time to stop faffing about and continue with the stories, if they turn out crap, so be it..

At least I'll enjoy re-reading them, some have reverted back to drafts, unfinished shouldn't be published.

I did actually add more to the Christmas story. I have a strong feeling I'm going to change directions with it.

I am determined that this December it will be ready to be seen. No more putting it off.

I have a feeling the Wattpad stories are slowly generating more interest also, which makes me feel guilty for neglecting them too.

Well confusing times because Mama said she already got the fudge and she likes it.

(I bought a cheaper version, Oh yea it was by Amazon ha, strange but ok).

Also the lip balms, which are not out for delivery, hmm, something came today, no idea..

Face washes, top and nightie left to turn up. I've found a new way to stop overcooking the rolls.

I used to leave them in the press to stay warm but by the time the chicken and burgers are cooked, it turns too hard.

Now I've lightly browned them and switched off the press and laid them wrapped up on top of it, so maybe it will stay warm but it won't get too hard, perfect.

For some reason I fancied the coleslaw before I bought it and now I have it, it doesn't appeal.

I'm still eating it but for low calorie, it seems very creamy.. I'm running out of snacks.

I could either do a shop on Thursday morning because Friday is the UC appointment or Saturday morning..

It will probably be Thursday, so I can stock up. I've no idea what to buy..

The new series of The Buccaneers started, I have no idea when and I don't even remember the original plot, who is who, so it's a bit confusing, I'll have to rewatch season 1.

I read and speak to so many people about loneliness and I'm glad I don't feel that way.

Yea sometimes I want a chitchat but aside from that, I'm okay as I am in my own lil castle.

I just cut my hair, so it's supposedly even now. I don't know if I should buy a skirt, it's getting warmer, I still feel too on display..

Dresses look funny because my waist goes in, tummy sticks out. I feel kinda lumpy, despite being a lil trimmer.

At least a long top covers me up. I always wear long sleeves, I never show my arms or legs anymore.

I'm a mind, I'm a personality, I'm not just a body, I would appreciate being seen that way.

#BlogLife1030 - Why is solitude such a bad thing?

I just read a well meaning post about You're never alone.. As in someone is always there to support you..

But what if there's noone? What if you grew up realising, the only person you can count on is yourself?

What's so bad about that? I can communicate with others if need be, I just don't happen to share that much.

Personally I like my own space, a safe place to breathe and be myself.

Some people have large groups of friends, some have a couple and others have none.

I accept it, people, acquaintances come and go. I enjoy my own company.

I still don't know what to do about P, the acquaintanceship went backwards.

I don't really know why he's hanging on or I am? He has lots of friends it seems, quite sociable, so what does he need me for?

To fill in the gaps or is it obligation? Maybe he's waiting for me to cut him loose?

With friends or acquaintances, you're supposed to be able to tell the truth without them getting extreme and put out, he couldn't handle that.

All I said was it annoys me that you use me to flirt on the phone calls, you can never have a normal conversation.

And I thought he would take them onboard and call just to chitchat, but all the calls stopped completely.

I guess as soon as my phone charges. I'll end it I never get what I need from the randoms.

I deserve better.

There was a couple forum posts that bothered me on the volunteering site so I added my opinions.

I am using it more but still not doing any 1 to 1s. Too many trolls and weirdos that are doing my head in.

I need to make a beauty shopping list. I need lip balms, moisturiser, face wash.

I just ordered the face washes and lip balms so maybe at the end of the month when I get them I can do a beauty review.

I'm gonna need eye drops and protein tablets soon. I'm not sure if I've run out of saline yet..

Well I've finally did what I craved. I started an open story on 7 Cups and anyone can join in.

Only one acquaintance has so far. I probably should have picked something less limited..

We'll see how it goes.. Ok got some things for Mama's Day, she said she wanted a nightie, saw a cute pinky purply one.

I got some fudge for her too and bought myself a red top.

I don't know where to put this Gilmore Girls stuff, so I'll add it here.

Lane/Rory had a lot of potential and then settled for mediocre partners. It bothers me that they never discussed the possibility of an abortion.

She's so young and freshly married. I know when a couple finally gets together, it gets boring so they throw in conflict.

Ok a long lost daughter but why Luke kept her purposely away from Lorelai and Rory was weird, he alienated and tanked his own relationship, instead of them all bonding together..

I've never liked Lorelai so the fact she sabotaged things and slept with her ex, is textbook idiocy.

Like she needs attention or a man in her life, to say pay attention to me I'm an overgrown immature child.. Pfft..

You know what else is odd? Rory and Logan is it? Were living together and that surprisingly was mostly smooth.

He moves overseas, fine, they are separated, when he returns, why don't they resume cohabitating?

Also she makes it a point to call him entitled, but she has no issues using his connections when it benefits her, hypocrite.

And sleeping with an engaged guy and then ending up pregnant?

The whole wrap up was weird, we like each other, we're having an affair but we're not reconciling..

The story I started on 7 Cups was a bust, nobody joined in except an acquaintance and we got so silly, it just petered out.

I don't know if I'll finish it. I am so bad at finishing stories. Apart from the blog, I feel a bit empty at the moment..

#BlogLife1005 - What am I doing?

I've walked into the kitchen a bazillion times intending to check if I have another contact lens cleaner in the cupboards or when this one finishes, I'll be out, but I never remember to check.

I'm so glad Yodel came early with a time frame, just before 12pm and my duvet came, I will change everything, maybe at the weekend.

I need to mop again already ugh. Why don't things stay clean? I'm such a loon, I woke up and realised I didn't put away my lens case..

Luckily I didn't toss and turn to much or it would have gone flying off the bed and I might not have found my brand new pair of lenses.

I swear I put them away but obviously I didn't luckily they were sitting on the edge of the bed.

I have to eat soon and will probably make a wrap. There is a Greek style bread wrap that I bought which is lovely, I just don't know what to put in it.

I think I'll do one chicken steak and one beef and break them in half.

Yep did it again, went to cook it and forgot to check my inventory and I should have gotten a bottle of water from the fridge.

I don't buy water, I just use the tap because when you're budgeting, it seems like drinks are a luxury.

I don't do that thing of trying to full up on water and having a big chunk of it before meals.

I think I have 3 or 4 bottles a day ranging from 500ml to 850ml and if you have a bottle instead of a glass you can sip it and drink more, until you need to swap or refill it.

By the time you get snacks and mains and then household things like bleach, that's the limit for the week.

Instead of the plain chicken, I got the hot and spicy, it's not really peppery though, just tame, which is perfect for me.

I wonder if I'll skip this month's monthly aswell as December... That would be cool. I do feel bloated though.

Ahh finally remembered and walked back into the kitchen, yep I do have a spare cleaner so I don't need to buy another one for quite a while, they last months, because you only need a lil bit, mind you sometimes it pours out fast.

I'm enjoy the Meeray almonds I bought to snack on, they taste cooked not raw and not salty at all.

I don't remember the price, the pack says £2.50 but they charge anything, and it has lasted me a while..

Ooof the randoms are crazier than ever. I can't recall exactly what I said, but I ended it with dear...

He replied Oh you've used that word it means you're 99% non British.

I've never heard anything so ridiculous in all my life, well lately, so I blocked and moved on.

He changed his name, logged back on and sent this paragraph of curses and insults...

Wow, you have got to laugh. I always think after that... No wonder you can't find anyone to talk too, your personality sucketh........!

I never understand that logic of being rejected and instead of shrugging and accepting, go on a rampage, it makes you look so foolish.

Just see it as no big deal, we all get passed on, it's not unique. Just say Ok, Nexttttt.