#BlogLife942 - Off route...

I guess I forgot what I actually had in the freezer, there was a chicken bake and some chicken kebabs so I'm just cooking them up together and maybe that will be it for today.

I also had some mixed nuts that are rawish and unsalted but that's my preference, maybe they could have been cooked but it's not a dealbreaker.

} haven't heard back from the course and I hope that is the end of it.

I can't be bothered to look back and see if I mentioned this but P got me slightly irritated the other day.

I know I could do this too, so it's not all on him but to be honest, I'm not sure I fancied a call until now.

When we get friendly flirty, that's the only time nowadays he seems to say, Let's have a phone chat tonight.

We went from daily phone chats, to just daily texts and I don't mind that, he's busy, I'm busy and neither of us are in the mood to chat before bed at times.

But no matter what I say, he steers it back to a flirty banter and sometimes I'm just really put off by it.

So I just said Listen, I would have much rather you said, I've been missing our calls and can we catch up via phone properly..

Instead of Oh let's use her for flirting and then I can doze off, so suffice to say we didn't chat that night but he wasn't annoyed.

He's quite approachable and understanding, we don't really bicker as such, we might kinda snap at times but we tend to talk it through.

It's weird because I might not say everything but I am telling him, today is hard, instead of yea yea yea I'm fine.

It's not a romance and I'm not sure I would call it a friendship yet, I don't know why.

It's an acquaintanceship, probably because I take my time with people and want to get to know them slowly.

I'm guarded and don't trust anyone, so that's my process. I wish I had a dip for the kebabs..

Hmm other items I can't find is the small scissors kept in the kitchen drawer.. Plus 2x hand sanitisers.. My tongs..

Oh crap another thing is the expensive electric toothbrush charger, I don't think I've seen that since the cleaner left ffs.

I really don't understand the moving or stealing or trashing things, it's like playing hide and seek with my own bloody possessions!

Was the cleaner bored and thought hmm, let's just bin random items for fun??

As usual, full, but I wish I had some crisps to munch. As I'm trying to empty out the stock..

I'm going to do another weird foodie combination, macaroni cheese and a beef bake pie.

What shall I call it? Mac-ake? Beefaroni surprise? Today eating was just more natural.

I'm glad that the wipes and eye drops arrived about 12pmish, weird they didn't even buzz or knock.

Luckily I got the notification it was dropped off outside the door.

After a while the macaroni is just too concentrated as is the beef.

I overcook it so it's solidified not a fan when it's runny. I always end up burning my tongue on the bakes anyway, this way they get to cool down while I cook the macaroni..

And by cook I mean heat up. Actually loved it, the blend was so good I was gutted when the bake was finished.

My own version of a pasta bolognese I suppose. Oh I found out what the maintenance was about when I took out the bins and checked the post.

For some odd reason, they were painting the interior and exterior.

I don't see the point and what was the banging about? There are more important repairs. Pfft.

Fuckity fuck, just double checked, no sign of the toothbrush charger ffs, these cleaners are disgusting!!

How do you steal from someone disabled?? 

I was wrong about the chicken burrito it's only 1 inside not 2, a medium size £4 though, yowser.

I wasn't sure I would like it, it's delicious. It reminds me of the Asda one I used to get but better.

It's delicately seasoned, lightly sauced, a tiny peppery kick. The pastry has a slight cheesy flavour.

There's enough chicken and rice and veggies, it's so good, I would get that again for sure.

Actually the whole thing is enough for a meal, now that I've cooked it, probably needed 5 minutes more, so 20 would have been better to crisp up all the sides.

But yea nothing is overpowered and that's the way I like it, nice and mild, good job Iceland for stocking it.

I feel so silly, the towel just arrived and it's huge can easily fit around me with room to spare, almost matches the hand towel and other towel too.

On to today (Monday), it's been a weird day weather wise as I think it was raining, very hot and very cold.

There were barely any market stalls out, which was weird so the food truck sadly wasn't available, darn.

The buses are still stopping half way, ugh they have extended the road works, until mid September grr.

It took me absolutely ages to cross the road but I got to the UC appointment and actually explained the situation and he gave me a phone appointment for next time.

Finally!!! You didn't even offer that when I was fluey. Sod it, getting Chinese as there is a discount and I'm too tired to get up and get water even.

#BlogLife932 - Wimping out on the spice

I'm in the mood for that Kabuto chilli chicken noodly thing. I've forgotten how long to warm it up.

I put it in for about 6 minutes in the microwave, it does smell nice when I opened the lid.

I'm hoping it's mild and not sweet. I want savoury only. It is spicy but nice and tasty, thin noodles, I quite like it and veggies maybe.

It's actually not salty, I think I put lots of water but the right amount for me, so a lil soupy for the flu/cold whatever.

It's way too peppery and it increases with every bite.

My eyes are watering but I'll still finish it. Nope too spicy. It was burning my mouth off and admittedly I am a spice wimp.

I tried the Marks and Spencer's cream of chicken and I didn't like it either. Too strong and seasoned well.

I think with soup I'm looking for a particular flavour and I haven't found it.

Niknaks crisps ending up taking the taste away as did the yucky Sunny D.

I'm glad I bought it though, as it sped up the cure.

I'm trying a weird combination as I preferred the cheesy ravioli to the beef one.

I decided to combine macaroni with the ravioli and see if tastes good.

What shall we call it? Ravironi? Macioli? You decide. I like it actually, it goes well surprisingly.

But I couldn't finish it, nice easy leftovers for tomorrow or next week.

Ha me and P had a mini almost domestic. It kinda makes me laugh, at night he's quite sensitive and doesn't take to me winding him up at all.

Whereas I am lighter because the day is over and I get to be irresponsible.

Sometimes we flirt over text and he wants to continue that over the phone but I get shier and if I'm not feeling well like yesterday, I just want a tame chat but I always make that clear prior, so he's aware.

Usually he still tries to flirt and he was trying to do that over text but I get to a point where I'm poorly and the mood is lost.

So because we haven't talked in a while, well actually the day before yesterday, we attempted it but I started cramping so postponed it.

Anyway he did behave himself for once, ha. He said he's going away for a boys weekend so I was teasing him about going on the pull and his friends being his wingmen and he reacted strangely, like that isn't my scene.

And I thought hmm, but you're single and free, why wouldn't you mingle with the opposite sex?

Maybe he's downplaying it to spare my feelings but we're not an item.

We're not dating or lovey dovey. It's been just over a month since we met online.

We're just acquaintanceships who chat a lot about anything. I just said as you're away, you don't need to text, enjoy yourself.

He said Well to let you know it might have been hard to get back to you and I said that's fine and I'm not bothered.

But I think I said, if a weekish passed with no contact, then I would assumed you ghosted me.

And he said I wouldn't do that, I would let you and he has been so I believe him, unless we have a huge row or something..

Yesterday I was plagued with headaches during the course, maybe because I'm squinting or it's been so buggy, so I get a lot of eyestrain and wearing one contact lens does not help.

So I was explaining my frustrations with the whole experience, that I kinda feel dumb really.

(He didn't touch that one. It would have been nice to hear, Oh don't be silly you're more than capable, especially as I'm encouraging to him).

Oh I did bring up that he's not complimentary actually ha, and he apologised and said I think I do it to you a fair bit.

(And I thought, When? Ha. But he probably has just mainly at the beginning and that's it).

I'm not looking for an ego boost. I just think it's nice, when you know someone is low, just to have a kind word or two..

I was explaining that it's been like 3/4 days without a tutor and I expected better.

The course is buggy, you can't select answers and have them accepted, they promised a smooth registration and it was complicated.

When I reached out for help, the advice was poor and didn't fix it. The third lot of assistance did and only because I called up.

This whole thing is stressful and more time consuming that it needs to be.

And my points were that, I'm sure they are aware of all of this but refuse to fix it.

I'm not the first person to do this course. I'm sure I'm not the first that's complained.

And he was saying either I should go somewhere else or raise my concerns or how would they know their are bugs?

Purleaseee they know, they just don't care. So I called him bossy and that did not go down well.

I explained I was teasing him, but he said it's too late at night for that, which made me laugh more.

Oh and that's it my responsibility to have it all sorted out. I think because I hate confrontation and assume they won't do anything I avoid it.

I did just get an email finally from the Tutor so that's one thing.

The other thing that kinda not bothered me as such but felt a lil judgy was when he said Oh you had a late start.

And I thought Yea I got up at 11amish because my body needed the rest.

I'm not over the flu. I'm longterm ill. I'm an insomniac and I don't feel guilty about that.

I didn't utter the second bit just the first and he was like Ok fair enough ha.

I don't know maybe it does annoy me. If you're healthy and able bodied, you don't need to think about the impact lack of sleep gets you.

I find the pain comes on faster. I find my mood gets frustrated and low.

I struggle more and beat myself up. Today I woke up 9amish maybe and thought Nooooo too early.

I'm at the point of 12pm and my hands are hurting and I know today will be another long day.

He mentioned that was part of his job to troubleshoot so maybe he took it personally.

I still think they are aware of the bugs. The other strange reaction and I almost felt like he bit his tongue...

Was when I said there was a video chat support feature but I had no intention of using it, it's horrifying to see close ups of people.

And  he said Horrifying? I said Yes, it's not my thing. I've never done it and will never do it.

And I felt because it's routine to him, he was about to say, Push past your doubts and do it, but stopped himself lol.

Because he knows, with certain things when I say No, I mean it.

I sorta wonder if he's disappointed that I'm not into that video chat thing, he's aware of my insecurities, I don't feel the need to hide them.

I won't do something I'm adverse too, unless I decide it's right for me, no amount of pressure or influence can sway me.

He does seem to respect my decisions but maybe there are times when he truly doesn't see my point of view.

Hmmmm as long as he doesn't bully me, the differences of opinion, I'm fine with.

I just detected an irritated tone and if I call him out on it as I have before, he will say he was just tired. Ha I don't buy it.

Just because you think or act a certain way and it's fully logical to you, it doesn't mean I have too :)

Last thing I promise as this is already way too rambly, more than intended but what can you do?

I always feel when it's just a regular chat, he's way more abrupt, it's way shorter and I wonder if it's a bit of disappointment or resentment that it's not friendlier...

Let's call it, instead of routine?! I wish he would say something like I really miss catching up with you.

Or let's chat about our days when I'm not dripping in exhaustion.

Instead of feeling like he's using me to get to sleep because obviously his bedtime is earlier than mine.

I would rarely go to bed at 11pmish unless I had an early start, I have to be shattered and that's midnightish.

So knowing that I will not be sleepy, Why can't you call at say 9pm and have that 20 minute clean chat?

I could easily ask him that but I already know the answer, he's thinking about his needs, not mine.

To put it in perspective....... The cosier chats can last an hour, so that should tell you a lot.

And now I've also made it clear I won't talk to him if he's half asleep as that's just disrespectful.

It's like saying Hey thingy, my time is precious, more so than yours.

I will waste the evening watching TV, tire myself out and then call you, inconvenience you while you're relaxing watching Married At First Sight, clearly not tired..

Chat for what seems like seconds and then say, Goodbye my eyes are closing, while you have interrupted your fun to cater to me.

Quick random tale, was chatting to someone and I had made it clear I wasn't looking for anything and then he started badgering me for meets.

He said he would come down and we could go to the cinema so finally I explained, I had health stuff so only short outings would be feasible.

I was hoping that would put him off but No, he then suggested coming to my place?

What............On.......Earth, makes you think I'm that dumb to invite a stranger around???

I said there was no possibility of that happening, I take my safety seriously.

He reeked of desperation. Luckily he hasn't contacted me and I was able to block him.

Never a dull moment with the randoms, well actually maybe one or two :D

#BlogLife930 - Who is to say what is right for you?

Something I've just noticed about BB/P I should just call him P.

He is a good listener, caring, chatty but he doesn't compliment me and I do it to him frequently. 

He actually compliments himself afterwards ha.

I'm going to stop boosting his ego. I mean what I say but anything one way, I'm not a fan off.

You can throw niceties my way too.. Aside from that were not as chatty, but we still talk often in shorter bursts.

No acquaintanceship is perfect. I'm kinda gutted I seemed to have reset my ScrabbleGo progress, I'm a newbie again.

I tried to login with facebook but it's still the same, ugh. I guess it wasn't the regular Postie today as they did that thing of laziness in delivering the bed linen.

I heard something but I wasn't sure but it must have been them. Why are you so unprofessional?

You're right at the door, would take you less then a second to buzz me. Twits.

Well I guess the UC advisor will call me in an hour, technically the appointment is at 2.50pm.

I was holding off from eating but I guess there's no point. Oh I heard back from the course people...

Instead of saying hey, just upload it to us, we can check you out that way..

He said Oh just logout, delete your application and start over, ffs.

Enrol in 10 minutes my something. Liars!!

I don't know whether to do a grocery shop for the weekend, I still feel like I'm not eating much.

The only thing I'm using is tissues, I'm on my third box. I'm thinking about doing a mini Zoom.

Ok heard back from the UC coach, no shouting or condescending tone and gave me an appointment in a fortnight, thank heavens.

Then got another message from the course organisers contradicting the last message, ffs.

I don't need this crap, it's already hard trying to bloody concentrate.

Well it's sorted I just called up and she gave me a code to put in, she was friendly enough but why not just say You need a code.

I was so exhausted but it's done and I thought it was real cheeky, they said get all this reading done by tomorrow..

Hell no. I was running on empty as it was, then it was Oh your tutor will email you.....

Yea, that didn't happen either, sloppy sloppy. Even though I want to rest tomorrow, I will do the reading stuff and already ordered an Iceland shop.

I fancied soup and pasta so got a few different ones. I found a great binaural beats video on runny noses and it works.

I'm not sure if it will clear the sinuses. My eyes are watering a lot and drying my eyes so they are tender.

That's probably all the news you'll get until Monday, although writing Scratchy has been immense fun.

I guess I'll continue until it loses the magic. I know it's weird with the name thing but it came to me, so why not?!

#BlogLife926 - Wound too tight perhaps/First chats on 7 Cups

Ha I just blew up at one of the randoms. He was attempting to do that therapy/analyse/fix me thing, that I despise..

Aww have you been heartbroken? Are you afraid? So I said No, it's neither of those I just prefer to avoid it all.

Then he said Do you pick bad ones? Ooh I lost it, I think all the stress got to me and I snapped and blocked him.

I said Why is it always a woman's fault? Only a man would say that.

Men take no responsibility for their actions. It's like saying, Hey you SS, chicky..

The reason dating is unsuccessful is because you know they are bad and therefore it's on you.

There's no way I would go into the actual reasons, self esteem issues, lack of body confidence, past history mistreatments..

To be honest he was a fluff random, not much substance to him. I much prefer P even though we're the tiniest bit distant with each other.

Maybe he has something on his mind too.. I don't like that idea of some guy playing superhero..

I'm here to save you SS, To make you acceptable to date me. To make you better, the way only I can.

Ughhhh yuckity ick! That's the way it comes across to me with some randoms.

Ok back to volunteering. I told myself this week I would begin and Oh crikey did I....

As from the last time I won't go into detail, I will just mention it from my experience as a Listener.

The first chat was intense, thankfully they have a referral button which makes it easier than googlying helplines and websites.

Deep breath, chat two verged on the inappropriate but I was given a heads up before the details and I exited gracefully.

The third one was more my speed. Once I got into it, I knew what to say, what to ask, what to prompt.

Fine, but an hour and a half later I was hungry and burnt out and I realise it was repeating itself.

I wasn't sure how to break that cycle, no matter how I steered it, the same thing.

So eventually I thought, it's time to go, I apologised and said I need to eat, which was the truth, it's nearly 3pm with no meals.

They were understanding, hopefully they didn't feel slighted. I would never ask for a review, I'm curious if I got one.

However it seemed like no time frame would have satisfied, their need to talk, which is my problem as I indulge.

They did give me a compliment though, seemed like I helped, so that's good.

Also the worry is, anyone can message you, or maybe they have to be a member with subjects that are not to your taste.

It's a lot disturbing you can ignore a chat request but yes they can private message you anyway...

Not a good feature at all. It's very sloppily hit and miss with the features.

At least there is a report and block function, haven't used it yet, tempted though.

Plus I'm cringing at the male requests that persistently requesting me personally..

I have a bad gut feeling on those. I avoided completely. What's nice is unlike HearMe, I didn't experience any problems.

All chats once I worked it out were at the bottom of the page, seemed to be picked up really quickly by others.

People aren't waiting for ages but I still apologised anyway. I guess my issue is, the lines are blurred.

With members and Listener staff in the same place, you can't really open up and be vague when they can read it.

Not ideal, there should be a distinction, a boundary in place.

For the Listener side of things, mingling is encouraged, that part I like, mostly a sweet atmosphere, noone feels rejected or unwelcome from what I've seen..

So far, the good outweighs the bad, I just have to be stricter with my time.

As I don't feel like taking on anymore chats or responding to messages.

#BlogLife915 - Premature celebrations

It's making me laugh that I got contacted about the lip balms I bought, the duo blackberry and they said, Thanks for a good review.....

Um I haven't left my mixed feedback, so you're in for a rude awakening, why would you do that?

To guilt me into positivity? Sorry I don't work like that, I like honesty.

Nothing is wrong with it, just the applicator doesn't disappear all the way into the lid and that bugs me.

Also Mama's gift, the red panini press, they are doing their utmost to avoid refunding me.

I have a feeling it isn't lost, they just want more money and it was overpriced as it was.

They sent me flipping sandwich makers images as a potential replacement item?

Ummmm no way, the panini press is such an advanced delightful item to grill on, like a mini barbeque, why would I want anything less than that?

I still find it odd, that if I didn't chase it up, they would have been content to take my money and keep the supposed "lost" item.

It's covered by paypal protection so if they refuse I will still get my money back.

Something petty is bothering me and at this point, I wonder why I care?

I called Mama yesterday about the grill and arranging when I should come down and it's like she couldn't be bothered to get back to me, reply to the text, call me back.

But if that was her other children or anyone else, I bet she would have done.

This why around this time, I feel like crap, being everyone's lowest possible priority.

It's been two days and she hasn't bothered, a birthday text yes, but not a call and at this point I'm sick of chasing her up.

I have to think about the grocery order for the weekend for next week, I think if I haven't heard back with a definitive date, I might just cancel the whole damn trip.

I like to think if I had a daughter I wouldn't make her feel like she doesn't matter. 

I wouldn't gleefully critique her. I wouldn't knock her self esteem and I certainly wouldn't make her feel like she's always in the wrong for being female, instead of male, like the other 2 pieces of garbage!

Apart from the overly short front wisps that stick out, actually the haircut turned out well.

There is a lot of side flicks and it still appears as though my hair is fuller than it actually is.

I prefer to just take care of my own needs/happiness and not rely on other people.

Oh shoot two things I was gonna do, shop for a thinner robe and pluck my brows lol.

Ahh I just got my refund for Mama's panini press. I'm not sure what I'll get her.

There's been some fun hampers, the seaside fudge and coconut ice, the kitkat one, the Green and Black, Ferreros mix..

Oh one small thing I would say about the new random (BB/P), he did check up on me, not crowd me, just a short text.

That was appreciated so in the end we did end up texting and talking a bit like we usually do every day.

I didn't mention why I felt emotional or the family dynamic and he didn't press, he did make me laugh though.

He's too flirty but underneath the hormones, there's a decent chap, we've had varied discussions.

Ok one last thing that cemented our connection? He has the most delightful voice, that's so important to me and his is perfect.

#BlogLife910 - Grow up I won't indulge your immaturity!

The lion cereal bars are disgusting. I expected something completely different because I like lion bars.

These are like eating stale cocoa puffs, with a nasty white coating underneath, I don't know if it's yoghurt, white chocolate or what but yuckkk.

It's got a horrible taste. I think it's the syrup. It's like eating something that is not fresh, not crunchy but chewy.

I was hoping for a bit of chocolate and nuts but nothing of the sort. I do not recommend them, no wonder it was on sale. Ick.

Strange Iceland sent me the invoice and refunded me the samosas that they said were on the way today?

That's what I don't get, why would they deliver something they're not charging me for?

I don't think they are coming back. I also forgot to mention, I saw something different.

Called Bulls in blankets, no pork whatsoever, just 12 lil mini beef sausages for £2.

I've never really seen mini versions so I thought why not. I don't feel I am eating much but the food is disappearing so I must be.

I'm having lots of small meals, that's probably why. Oh and the Crown Farms chicken burgers which look huge but are teensy weensy.

Severe false advertising there but maybe they are delicious. I'm cooking one and some onion bhajis just to snack on.

I don't feel like much and luckily they are tiny also. Oh my, my face is burning..

The onion bhajis are really nicely seasoned they taste more like pakoras which I love but spicier than normal, oof red face.

Then the chicken burgers turned out really tasty but again, there's spice, it's not unbearable but with the heatwave it's really warm.

I'm so glad I tried it though, just seems different to any other chicken burger, it's almost like a kebab but in burger form.

I'm glad I got the hummus dip, it's cooling everything down and adding a creaminess to it.

Let me get this off my chest. I just blocked AA/J for the second permanent time.

Why didn't I notice he was a J before, ha, no wonder he got on my nerves.

They all start off well, there was easy flowing banter, he knew my circumstances and was fine with it (as they are at the start).

Then he asked for my phone number in Discord and I thought Why?

So again I have to repeat myself and say I'm not interested in meets/picswaps as long as you're fine with that, I don't lead people on, I'm crystal clear.

And he was like Oh I assumed you wanted to meet me now. Nope, don't frigging assume anything about me.

So after that rejection he went hot and cold. Oh and why did I block him the first time?

I heard that married word, but afterwards he said he was long separated. Hmm I don't know..

So he went from being chatty to barely replying or initiating and then I thought, ok well he's not interesting in gabbing anymore, whatever.

The final straw was him the next day, sending a short message and me politely enquiring how he was..

Only to receive a one word response and nothing else. So screw that, I'm not chasing anyone and certainly not forcing anyone to talk to me, if you don't want too, then block me and move on, I don't give a damn.

I like straightforwardness. I just carried on with my day, I wrote posts, I was unpacking the shopping, I was busy.

Then he messages a few times, I check back and he's like Where were you??

WTF does it have to do with you?? His clingyness was soo offputting, have your own life and do your own thing, don't rely on me constantly to entertain you.

I'm always multi tasking so why can't you do the same??

So I was really irritated at this point. He doesn't own me, my time is my own. I don't have to explain myself to anyone.

I eventually replied that I was busy and not at his beck and call, not that there was anything much to reply too in any case.

So then he started this passive aggressive BS, Oh you want to block me again.

I said No, you're the distant one, you want that, but you're just to chicken to do it.

So then he tries to flip it back on me and say, I messaged you multiple times with no answer.

Pffft, all he said was Hey, and Oi. I don't respond to Oi, that's the most rudest greeting ever.

He was expecting me to start a conversation and then he said Oh I would have chatted more after that.

Grow the hell up! You wanna chat to me? I'm fine with it, but make the bloody effort to start.

Ask a question, talk about your day, share, don't expect me to do all the work because it makes you look like an empty fool!

All he said after that was Ok and then nothing and I thought You're gutless and a timewaster so I waited until the evening..

Nothing still and I blocked him. It was like dealing with a child demanding attention and then throwing a tantrum, not getting his way. Pfft.

#BlogLife898 - Liar liar - Same guy - Different name

Gosh it's hard to think straight. I don't think I'll be able to post today (Thursday).

This heatwave is sapping me of thoughts, energy, motivation.. It's just hard to sleep, even without the duvet on me.

One thing irritating me is that because the beautician always insists on wax and threading, my eyes are cut up to shreds.

Scarred from bleeding and still a tiny bit tender. If you're too lazy to pluck, then don't I really wish they wouldn't thread.

I feel like someone is taking a hacksaw to my eyes, hold, still, stop squirming while I massacre you. Ugh!

Always I say, wax, no threading and they nod, Yes we got it, and next minute, thread me.

Almost makes me want to shout, No threading means wax only, I'd like to leave without bleeding, without my skin being damaged.

Getting my brows done is supposed to be a treat. I want them to look nice, not bruised.

Ohhh I knew it, I called it, my instincts were spot on! A has been masquerading from someone I blocked.

He is actually HM, the one that only cared about himself and how did I find out?

He asked me to call him and as I was typing in the number it showed up on from my history.

I scoured my notes and low and behold, it was HM, we had a call, maybe at the end of March, ridiculous.

So I calmly confronted him and did he confess, apologise and admit he deceived me like a grown up?

Well? Of course not, he lieddddddd. He said Ohh I haven't used that name in years, how do you remember it??

The fool pmmed me under that name a few weeks ago, or sooner than that.

See this proves he's manipulative and a phony. I can't stand liars.

If that was me, I would have made a joke and said Oops busted, I missed your company and wanted another chance.

But Noooo he couldn't do that, so now he's blocked on the phone and I we will not be talking to him any longer on chat.

He's not taking it well, keeps pmming me, Did I explain? Nope. I want him to hate me and bother someone else and secondly..

I don't see the point, he's already denying it. He will continue lying and later masquerade as yet someone else Zzz..

It kinda makes me laugh, his whole attitude before we parted was, it's my way or the highway but then he knew I didn't tolerate that.

So he softened his approach, changed his name and pretended to be all sweet and caring but it's bs.

I think I was waiting for an excuse to block him. He's fine-ish but he asks me nothing about myself.

I mean I know I hate personal questions but over time, it's gets easier to answer them, so although we've talked for a while, it's all superficial and that's his thing, flirt flirt flirt but not connect.

Plus he has kids, doesn't live locally and is a compulsive liar, three strikes, you're out!

And I was gonna be reckless and not withold my number and a voice said.....Umm You sure you wanna do that?

As soon as I saw his number wasn't new, I just did the 141, well actually it was already there.

If you can't be bothered with the pesky truth, move along, move right along....

On to today. Oh my stomach hurts, the nausea comes and goes but it just makes me dizzy, the sodding heat doesn't help.

I was running royally late, I just couldn't seem to stand, I was retching as though I was gonna vomit but I didn't.

Ick, so I just went to the library, typed in the wrong details as I was flustered, waited for the idiotic text code, twice..

Then I forgot how you print ha, so the nice assistant helped me, £1/60 for 4 copies, all done, oof, it used to be maybe 5p per printout? Yeesh.

I would like to lay down and sleep but not tired enough, that Twit gave me another 9am appointment, God I hate him!

Anyway while I was at the library he called and said Can you do a phone appointment, he couldn't wait 5 minutes for me to get there...

I didn't really hear him, so ignored that until he said it again, so I didn't bother going to the Jobby after all.

Actually it would have been longer lol and I could barely hear him, he was devastated that the course didn't accept me.

Bahahaha!!!! He wants the bloody email, You can have it, you tit! Why take my word for it??!

I got the printouts in my bag only for the zipper to break, so I now need a new crossbody handbag, I love that style plus I cannot grip with my hand for a prolonged time so that's better for the pain management.

I am just waiting for brekkie, the egg and chicken rasher muffin, lush and some apple juice.

I'm going to window shop in maybe Amazon's site as I think they sent me a coupon.

You know something else that I thought of, If DWP wasn't such a Witch about harassing me for 9 months, they would have got all of the Paypal balance but because of spite, now when the huge fine comes in, they'll get less.

I hope it's been worth it, abusing me for all this time. If she does have bosses, I hope they throw the book at her!!

Crikey, I just struggled to stand up to get to the door but lovely food is here and I hope it settles my tum, please please please.

I hope your day is a lot calmer :)

#BlogLife892 - Let's talk about sex ba-by...

Song of the day - Salt N Pepa - Let's Talk About Sex

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydrtF45-y-g

Okay I'll stop singing, you can relax, no more tuneless noises. Umm the food is still staring at me waiting to be consumed.

But writing, well no blogging during the day is very satisfying, I think writing fiction is somehow more an evening thing, but by that time I'm done for the day.

Even though I'm composing this on Wednesday it will go out next week.

I'm definitely due on soon, oh actually maybe not until mid month, but damn I wish this bloatedness would go down.

I'm feeling super cranky so I've been snapping at the bothersome randoms.

T.I was the latest victim, the man brings every topic back to sex, guaranteed.

Good grief is there no substance to you? Can you not pleasantly discuss anything else?

And the nasty habit of not saying goodnight and flouncing off when he doesn't get his way, just teetered me off the edge.

Last night I called him out on it and as predicted he left. It's true though. I mean I can flirt as a distraction to the stress but hell I'm not always in the mood.

Sometimes I just want to discuss life or chitchat about food or nonsense anything else but sex.

Really are you that controlled by your hormones that normal subjects set you off??

If that's all there is to you. You're unappealing as that means you are self centred.

You only care about your needs. I can't open up about the small things, let alone the important things because you're too busy being sleazy.

It's nice to talk about everything, it shows you're a more well rounded individual.

It's like men think, if I bring it up relentlessly 10x times, she's bound to give in.

Nope just makes me more determined to re-direct the chat and then eventually block you, because there's no point to it.

Ugh it's just gone 6pmish and I've finishing cleaning, I can't make it spotless, it's too exhausting. 

I just wanted to finish the bathroom and I did, Ideally would have done the floors too but if I over exert myself I'm going to strain a muscle so now I'll wait for them.

Well I'm confused, I got a missed call and no message, they can easily text or email. They notify me by text constantly.

What's annoying is the landlord has a billion different numbers, so I can never tell if it's them or not.

Then later on the door buzzed but they gave me no earthly time to answer, I'm ill, it takes me a while to get up, you would think they would know that.

It's 1.39pm, maybe that was the Postie? Maybe it's cancelled? I have no idea, last time they were more patient.

I know Eid is tomorrow so I don't know because of the celebrations and the holiday, if they are postponing all meetings.

I keep checking emails and texts but nothing. Ugh I want to eat but I don't want to be interrupted.

I'll probably wait until 5pm or 6pm maybe and then change and give up.

Part of me wanted this to be done with, the other side wanted them not to show.

But I don't want them randomly knocking either. I feel like I always need to mentally prepare for their approaches.

Stress really screws with my appetite. I need to be relaxed when I munch because that nausea just pops out of nowhere.

Ugh a wasted day, I could have slept in more, although maybe not I was fretting a bit about them showing up when I wasn't dressed properly.

And as it's men, I want to be really covered up, layers plus my oversized robe thingy.

#BlogLife887 - What is best because either way I'm lost..?

Ooh I bought some cheese and spring onion quiches from Iceland and this time cooked it for maybe 18 minutes, last time I undercooked it, maybe it only needed 15 but actually it's great.

Nothing compares to the school dinner ones. Soft bubbly egg and cheese, it was so light. I've never seen that recreated anywhere else.

Not good for the breath though. They are tiny but tasty. I'm glad I tried it again for something out of the ordinary.

I'm beginning to wonder if the Jobby get's kickbacks for every course they refer people onto.

They are mighty insistent and I don't think it's for my benefit, I think there is a financial reason for it, I could be wrong, I am a cynic after all but he's being wayy too pushy.

The other thing following on from the last post is that yes, sending pictures of myself is hard but at least once in a blue moon I do it.

Whereas I don't get one in return, frankly I don't want one but at the same time, I can't help but think of them as cowards.

I've revealed myself and you can't do the same? What does that say about you? Chickeny much?

And as suspected, there's been no further emails so my hunch was right, he's clearly moved on.

The rest of the randoms are acting weird too.

One called T.I and I had an interesting long chat but today he's moody and sullen.

Why even message me?? Then another one changed his name, acted nice and then turned aggressively insulting..

What is the point trawling for arguments?

I just blocked and didn't engage pfft, silly human.

The only one that was regular was believe it or not, the male version of me.

He's SS, ha I never put that together until tonight.

He's not a people person either, has trouble sleeping too and can talk about anything.

He even offers me an ear if I want too.

Part of me is tempted to tell someone everything and the rest is shaking my head.

Either they won't get it, won't sympathise or they'll be judgemental. 

I got to tidy up for Thursdays appointment. Ugh, dreading it.

I'm not even sure if the pedicure is still on next week, Mama hasn't confirmed and I'm too stressed to chase it up.

Something else that just sprang to mind is that before when UC was covering my expenses, they must have checked with the landlord to make sure it was correct and they still covered the service charge.

Now suddenly they aren't and it's because of the savings. I don't want to be frivolous but as I suspected, they will cover me, only I'm destitute and I'm hesitant to use up everything.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Just to finish off, I saw T.I and he behaved normally.

Men are so strange creatures. It was a bit different actually he was telling me more personal stuff and I appreciated that, I'm not sure I believe it all.

The randoms lie so easily about the big and lil things, it's confusing so I listen out for clues and inconsistencies and that usually tells me the truth.

The pedicure is on for tomorrow, just me and Mama as her friend is under the weather unfortunately.

It's anyone's guess if we'll get the veggy pakoras, I guess it depends if they are in a selling mood, so odd, they are always resistant to make a sale.

#BlogLife886 - On display but on my own terms

I'm trying to deal with one issue at a time so I don't go completely barmy.

Stress is still eating away but I just have to face it and do the best I can with the limitations set upon me.

I met a new random yesterday B/G he can't make his mind up on his name and frankly I don't care, I wanted a distraction.

Anyway I felt like I was dangling crumbs to him, I wasn't really invested, didn't take him seriously at first.

My mind was consumed with everything that's going on still, which I can't just blurt out, very few would understand the situation without being judgy, and I don't need that.

But then later on when he kept saying Look, I have to leave soon, let's stay in touch, I was thinking....Hmm..

I don't make that decision on one chat. He didn't ask for my number or messengers, just email and I thought, alright that's different, I can do that, well as always I give them the spare one, the protonmail, not the main yahoo.

He basically delayed leaving for ages and that made me chuckle.

You know what's really funny, when they find out about the blog, they want to read it (to see if they are mentioned, mini fame status pfft).

None of them have ever connected the email to the blog, they just assume it's a cute name, Sleepless Scribbler.

So this random said I'm really impressed that you didn't ask for my photo, it's really off-putting straight away.

And I shrugged and said I don't do picswaps anyway, it's not my thing.

He accepted that and now today it's I want a photo of you. Ha! They all just trick me into thinking they don't want it, when they do.

So even though I'm completely against it, today I think I will do it, but not for him, for myself.

I recall years ago, sending that guy V, an unflattering picture, no makeup, probably greasy unfresh hair, peculiar expression.

And how free I felt, no filters, no softer display, not hours spent, trying to look cute and then still being rejected and feeling bad about my looks.

He loathed it and questioned the un-appealingness of it but I felt empowered enough to think, I know he won't look past it and see the real me and I still have the courage to send it.

So that's what I'm going to do today. Just go bare faced, messy eyebrows that need plucking, no volume on my flat oily hair.

No makeup making my eyes or lips pop. I don't see the point, when I'm getting ghosted or cut loose anyway.

I think most of my clothes are now two sizes too big. On my plus sized frame that isn't flattering at all.

The one thing I am going to do, is wear something fitted, a tshirt maybe because that's the only thing that would truly represent my figure.

Everything else makes me look and feel so huge and for the last few years I have worked damn hard to lose the weight but still there is two stones to go.

I would like for once to be seen and accepted in my present size but it's a long shot.

Rejection hurts but it's not the end of the world. I guess the more I have an earthy frank discussion, the more my confidence flips between high and low.

I can't lie to myself and make out I'm gorgeous and attractive. There is cuteness but there is also a figure that is larger than what men lie and say they want.

It's hard to keep feeling good about yourself, when the overwhelming response is........ You are not fanciable.

Right before I chicken out I'm going to take a break, snap the pictures, review them, write an explanation, send them and return to confirm it.

I wonder what his excuse will be? Ohhhhh.......When you said plus sized I thought you mean't like a size 14/16 not above that.

That's too huge, sorry I just remembered I'm in crisis and need to re-assess my life and who is in it and errr, yea I'll be in touch.

LOL! Did men get together and say Listen lads, saying you're not my type isn't going down well, make the above speech, she'll never ever crack the code, ok guys?!

Every single one of them, makes the exact same awol speech to me, hilarious, word for word, precisely identical.

Ugh I did it and it was difficult to get a good angle. I changed twice and I've always remembered the advice when you're not feeling great about your body, wear pretty lingerie underneath.

No-one sees it, no-one knows but it gives you a lift, far greater than any compliment.

And I admit it does work for me. I had bought a new black lace bra that looks satiny and cute but hadn't worn it, until today.

I still don't feel stunning but I don't feel yucky either and I'm bloated also, which doesn't help.

Now I just have to send them off. Ok, I probably spent about half an hour, picking the right words and now I'm back to cringing.

It's 2.43pm and he did say he was super busy today so I don't expect a response, but at the same I do.

Either I am appealing or I'm not. I don't want to care but I kinda do.

It's confusing taking new photos, on one hand I seem smaller when I wear something snug and then when I put on something baggy, I feel that is the truer image because I'm gigantic.

I have to stop stewing about this as it's nearly 3pm and I haven't eaten all day and just now sipping water, which isn't healthy because I did a similar thing yesterday.

So am I crazy or enlightened for not making the effort? I have no idea actually and I'm not saying do the same.

Always do whatever makes you feel comfortable, I guess there are times though we all have to push ourselves to keep growing and improving.

Anyway I don't know if it was a good thing to do but I do feel braver for doing it.

It's really not easy for me to put myself out there at all for a multitude of reasons.

I'm not looking for a man to tell me I'm beautiful, what I seek is a genuine connection, where my imperfections are celebrated.

For once, not being made to feel I'm frumpy. My hair's too short or that I don't need to be fed because I'm heavy enough..

There is a correlation between not eating today and trying to look semi decent.

But fear not, I've put a chicken slice on to cook and actually I was craving the vegan sausage rolls but I've finished them, boo.

I need to get some more. Oh good grief after all that, the attachment didn't attach.

I checked it and it was there. I did try something called an inline where it just pops up, this time I'll do the attachment version.

I want it over and done with. He was sweet, he did say not to bother as he didn't want me to be uncomfortable but I re-sent it on the phone.

I think I'm trying to tell my brain to pay attention, that I have lost weight, that I do look better and each picture, tells that story.

When I saw a new email before from him, I didn't even want to read it, ha, I am such a chicken.

Oh by the way, he's not a long-termer, he's only a temporary one, so why did I make the effort?

It's for myself, to show that I could do it and that another rejection isn't going to destroy me.

I need to embrace my hard work and feel positive that I'm changing for the better and that it shows and I will try to always validate myself.

I want to post this when he responds so I'm not thinking about it anymore.

And after all of that, what did he reply??

"Received. Panic over. Thanks." Ha, men really are the most insensitive creatures ever.

Whatever..... I think I'll just leave it there. I don't feel the need to get back to him, he didn't like them, obviously.

I wasn't expecting gushing compliments but alright, that's that. I can't help but laugh how women just go over and over things and men just shrug.

It doesn't consume them at all. I'm going to munch and forget it.

Wow, just wow though, four measly words. Ugh!