#BlogLife908 - Fear of men

There's a few things swirling around in my head, some new, some old.

Whether she does this on purpose or not I have no idea but Mama loves to bring up the other two siblings, and I've repeatedly told her not to do this..

But as usual she dismisses my needs in favour of her own or theirs, above mine and that's always been the case.

She continues praising them, Oh he's so helpful, he's assisting me with this and paying for it.

She conveniently forgets they've forgotten her birthdays, Mama's Day etc.

I don't know if she's changing the history, as in what a good parent I am, raised them right, did a good job.

Because all I remember is thinking I don't want to be here. I'm sick of being harassed, I don't want to exist.

Having no expression as a child or a teenage, only now as a fully grown adult.

It constantly feels like she's saying in-between the lines, let go of your cruelty towards them, they've forgiven/accepted you for your coldness, you should do the same..

It angers and attacks my self esteem actually. It makes me feel I deserve to be ill treated and I deserve my past, which I don't.

Nobody deserves to grow up afraid to talk, afraid to stand up for oneself and fearing for their general well-being.

My childhood manifested itself into dating. The verbal abuse, then physical abuse.

The reinforced belief I had nothing to offer. Dating was no longer exciting, it became fearful, a wary reluctant experience.

I think I hid behind the weight gain and was mostly ignored and that suited me.

I didn't have to put myself out there and be raw and exposed. I could just cover up and be left free and safe.

Now things are different but still the same. I'm steadily losing weight, being healthier.

I feel like my thighs are slimmer. I have no interest in showing them off but I'm still proud of my accomplishments.

I continue to ask myself what do I want? What would make me happy?

KIds? No. Marriage? No. Friendship? *Shrugs* A boyfriend? I have no idea.

I'll always have that apprehension, waiting to be judged, waiting to see if he'll pounce.... 

Waiting for the disrespect or for the violence. I don't see a way to be comfortable around a man, not in public or in private.

So I'll continue shrinking, reach my goals and then what? What I do know is that this healthier journey is for me and no-one else.

I want to feel good about myself. I want to look after my body and try and lessen the pains and exhaustion.

But if there is any sign, I'm not being treated right, I will probably cut my losses and exit.

I'm not sure how I feel about second chances being as sensitive and fragile as I feel at present.

I've spoken to Mama and I'm a bit annoyed that she's given me no notice, just expects me to drop everything and visit her, when it was supposed to be at the end or the beginning of next month.

Good job I charged my electric toothbrush, that takes about a day.

It won't take long to pack, I'm just drying the washing now. There are a few things I need so I'm glad I didn't buy them and then leave them to possibly sit outside my door, where the neighbours would probably steal them.

My stomach feels delicate but I think it's stress, worrying about not being able to get a cab, sometimes they are just overbooked.

And I never want to call up beforehand because I don't want to rush and if I'm feeling sicky or dizzy like I am today, I want to take my time, wait for it to pass and then get ready.

It's risky but I prefer it. I don't know if this will be my last post for a while, it's nice to switch off, rest my brain and body.

I just realised that because it's summer, I can't used the heated blankie remedy on my bones so after travelling the pain is going to be really bad.

Sitting is just not my friend. I wish I had another pain remedy, I guess I can binaural beats videos, sometimes that helps to relax me.

I'm not in the mood to walk with my portable shiatsu massager, it's too heavy.