#LetterLife4 - Dear Mama - I can't pretend anymore

I've realised that telling myself to forget about it and get over it, isn't working.

I don't even know if there's anything new I can add to this, that I haven't already written, but my brain says vent....

The recurring thing playing in my head is to ask, Why do you sometimes feel the need to treat me like s**t?

I don't like swearing but I think it's the strength of my anger that is continually growing and it has nowhere to go..

Part of it must be the resentment, that you can act so civil towards others but to me, it's disappointment or insults or neglect.

And I just take take take it and make it acceptable because I don't want to rock the boat, confront you or make you feel bad.

As time passes, less of me wants you in my life. You're the only person I let close to me, that depresses me.

I'm tired of letting you get away with thinking you're a good parent, that we have a bond.

I wouldn't let anyone else act this way around me and not pipe up or kick them out of my life.

But because we are supposed family, I'm stuck with you? But I'm starting to think Am I really?

You texted me today or yesterday but not to check up, not to ask why I haven't gotten back to you, but to say something routine.

You're oblivious to how damaging you are to me. I'm even tempted to block your number for a while so that I can have peace from you.

I can't do it, too much guilt but every time you mistreat me, it forces me to look back on a lifetime of repulsive behaviours.

I take responsibility for my actions and words but you never do.

Maybe this time apart will make you reflect. I doubt it. I know you're going away soon and I hope you have a great time, bigging the other two up and saying minimal stuff about me.

I guess I wonder what it would take, for you to finally show me some respect and take my needs into consideration?

Sorry that I have to repeat myself but I have too. 

1. You allowed your sons to bully me so much I stopped talking. I stopped wanting to live. I stopped smiling.

I felt so unloved like I was damaged and broken, like nothing in me was good and pretty and intelligent and capable.

2. You fixated on my weight and looks and personality so much I became so insecure that I hated myself.

I stopped eating, I hung around people who treated me like I was an idiot. All because you told me too and still you wanted me to be better, different, like everyone else...

3. You glowed and preened at any mistake, big or small that I dared to make as a human being. On and on and on, you pointed out my flaws and laughed.

I realised what you were doing, making me feel small, so I developed a trick, I pretended not to recall such instances and you were shocked and disappointed, you couldn't mock me anymore.

4. Home was explosive. I couldn't talk up, I was afraid to express an opinion. I knew sooner or later I would be beaten up, it was coming..

Home should have been the place a girl feels safe and secure but it wasn't. You kept those 2 bullies around torturing me.

I started dating hoping that somebody would save me, see me, spoil me, cherish me, love me.

Anything to stay out later and later but all that happened was that I was exploited, used, harassed and abused once again.

(I think another part of me died after that and I never recovered fully).

I take responsibility for those dates but I would not have been on them, if home was a decent place to grow up in.

The sad thing is, I thought you would have loved having a daughter, like a mini you.

Someone to confide in and spoil and protect and boost my confidence and quietness....

But it seems to me, you prefer having sons that threaten to harm you, character assassinate you, steal from you and ignore you.

You can't shut up about how great they are. Their accomplishments and their life and how helpful they are.

If you really really really love them so much, despite how they are around you and despite how you've told me, during the holidays they barely speak to you, are on their phones 24-7 but demand the earth immediately from you....

Then maybe focus on them and not the fat, stupid, idiotic, unsociable, hard hearted daughter that you don't seem to like much.

I'm running out of patience. I'm sick and tired of seeing myself through your eyes.

I just don't want to despise myself or change to make you happy, Why the hell should I?

If I started treated you badly, would that earn your affection???

The last thing that plagues me is, maybe the real reason I run from potential friendships and relationships..

Is that you've taught me time and time again, Who I am, isn't good enough.

I want to be carefree with the randoms but every time it gets real I can't help but think I'm a complete nothing and nobody, bound to be rejected, let's push them away first before they even think about it.....

Goodbye for now Mama. I don't want to deal with you right now.