#LetterLife5 - Dear Moi

Dear Moi,

Guilt is what plagues me. It just feels so wrong to stand up to you as a family member and say for this moment in time I need a break from you.

I wonder if you'll have the courage to ask Why?

I have been biting my tongue all my life to avoid answering that and hurting your feelings but I can't pretend I'm fine with how you treated me and continue to treat me, as though I'm unlovable.

Home was abusive, dating was abusive. I didn't start loving/respecting myself until I was an adult and still I question my self worth.

I'm making myself sicker not dealing with you and other responsibilities, so I will face it all next week.

The physical pain increases day by day and it's not exertion, it's just from routine things. My voice is cracking and disappearing.

I want to know why you glorify the abusers but yet in your eyes, I'm a disappointment, someone unworthy of your time, consideration and respect?

I trust no-one. I seek affection but run away from it. I continue to hide.. Where it's safe.

#LetterLife4 - Dear Mama - I can't pretend anymore

I've realised that telling myself to forget about it and get over it, isn't working.

I don't even know if there's anything new I can add to this, that I haven't already written, but my brain says vent....

The recurring thing playing in my head is to ask, Why do you sometimes feel the need to treat me like s**t?

I don't like swearing but I think it's the strength of my anger that is continually growing and it has nowhere to go..

Part of it must be the resentment, that you can act so civil towards others but to me, it's disappointment or insults or neglect.

And I just take take take it and make it acceptable because I don't want to rock the boat, confront you or make you feel bad.

As time passes, less of me wants you in my life. You're the only person I let close to me, that depresses me.

I'm tired of letting you get away with thinking you're a good parent, that we have a bond.

I wouldn't let anyone else act this way around me and not pipe up or kick them out of my life.

But because we are supposed family, I'm stuck with you? But I'm starting to think Am I really?

You texted me today or yesterday but not to check up, not to ask why I haven't gotten back to you, but to say something routine.

You're oblivious to how damaging you are to me. I'm even tempted to block your number for a while so that I can have peace from you.

I can't do it, too much guilt but every time you mistreat me, it forces me to look back on a lifetime of repulsive behaviours.

I take responsibility for my actions and words but you never do.

Maybe this time apart will make you reflect. I doubt it. I know you're going away soon and I hope you have a great time, bigging the other two up and saying minimal stuff about me.

I guess I wonder what it would take, for you to finally show me some respect and take my needs into consideration?

Sorry that I have to repeat myself but I have too. 

1. You allowed your sons to bully me so much I stopped talking. I stopped wanting to live. I stopped smiling.

I felt so unloved like I was damaged and broken, like nothing in me was good and pretty and intelligent and capable.

2. You fixated on my weight and looks and personality so much I became so insecure that I hated myself.

I stopped eating, I hung around people who treated me like I was an idiot. All because you told me too and still you wanted me to be better, different, like everyone else...

3. You glowed and preened at any mistake, big or small that I dared to make as a human being. On and on and on, you pointed out my flaws and laughed.

I realised what you were doing, making me feel small, so I developed a trick, I pretended not to recall such instances and you were shocked and disappointed, you couldn't mock me anymore.

4. Home was explosive. I couldn't talk up, I was afraid to express an opinion. I knew sooner or later I would be beaten up, it was coming..

Home should have been the place a girl feels safe and secure but it wasn't. You kept those 2 bullies around torturing me.

I started dating hoping that somebody would save me, see me, spoil me, cherish me, love me.

Anything to stay out later and later but all that happened was that I was exploited, used, harassed and abused once again.

(I think another part of me died after that and I never recovered fully).

I take responsibility for those dates but I would not have been on them, if home was a decent place to grow up in.

The sad thing is, I thought you would have loved having a daughter, like a mini you.

Someone to confide in and spoil and protect and boost my confidence and quietness....

But it seems to me, you prefer having sons that threaten to harm you, character assassinate you, steal from you and ignore you.

You can't shut up about how great they are. Their accomplishments and their life and how helpful they are.

If you really really really love them so much, despite how they are around you and despite how you've told me, during the holidays they barely speak to you, are on their phones 24-7 but demand the earth immediately from you....

Then maybe focus on them and not the fat, stupid, idiotic, unsociable, hard hearted daughter that you don't seem to like much.

I'm running out of patience. I'm sick and tired of seeing myself through your eyes.

I just don't want to despise myself or change to make you happy, Why the hell should I?

If I started treated you badly, would that earn your affection???

The last thing that plagues me is, maybe the real reason I run from potential friendships and relationships..

Is that you've taught me time and time again, Who I am, isn't good enough.

I want to be carefree with the randoms but every time it gets real I can't help but think I'm a complete nothing and nobody, bound to be rejected, let's push them away first before they even think about it.....

Goodbye for now Mama. I don't want to deal with you right now.

#LetterLife3 - Dear SS

Dear SS,

Just checking in as you seem quiet. I'm disappointed there wasn't a post on Thursday or Friday..

Dear Nosey,

I did intend to post but when it came to it, words failed me. I just couldn't muster anything so it remained half empty.

To be honest I don't appreciate the nagging guilt trip. I feel bad enough for being flaky and inconsistent. 

Dear SS,

Sorry that wasn't my intention, I was just curious is all.

Dear Nosey,

Sorry too. I didn't mean to be snappy. I just have stuff in the back of my mind that refuses to speak up.

Until now. I got stood up tonight for a chat date but that's not my concern.

Usually he'll mention something came up but tonight nothing..

I don't have proof but I suspect he's fabricating his single status and that's why he disappears a lot.

Although he does let me know first, he did offer me his number, that I called on witheld, ha I'm so sneaky.

Anyway that's a low priority. Tonight (Saturday), I saw that I had a missed call from Mama.

I don't even know if she's back. Ugh I'm kinda annoyed at that.

I can't call or text, that's gonna spike up her bill again.

She could have texted or emailed. She didn't reply to mine.

Emails are free, to say Oh I'm back or due to return blah blah..

I could have sworn she said she's returning in April and that she's missing Mama's Day, which is tomorrow. 

If I knew her status I could have sent a gift or food or something but I'm left to guess.

The lowest priority possible because I'm sure she's letting everyone else know her whereabouts.

Alright that felt good to let that out and stop repressing it.

I felt guilty for being mad at her, as though I don't have the right to feel the way I do but our dynamic remains difficult and askew.

Next I just feel like one of these days I'm going to be homeless.

I'll do or say the wrong thing and the landlord representative will boot me for being problematic.

What's next? One of these days, what if I am injured beyond repair?

What if the next time I fall.. I can't brace myself and get up again?

Or I sprain something and it doesn't heal and I lose the ability to take care of myself and function?

What do I do? I can't exactly talk my way into making it better.

Next up.. Because even though I can't hear these thoughts, when I write like this, the padlock springs open and the thoughts are clear as day!

Why do I make such a fuss over finishing the stories?

I guess I've never really felt heard and understood and storytelling needs that captivated audience.

I don't feel I have that, but in order to get that I need to complete more and more.

It's a catch 22 situation. Also what the hell do I know?

I've no knowledge of love and stability and healthy relationships or friendships.

I don't know if my fiction is realistic enough to pass as entertainment. 

I'm constantly pretending I know what I'm doing. I don't have a clue.

Why do people read my blog or stories? I have no earthly idea.

I keep waiting to improve my words. To be better at explaining things or to  compose something flawlessly.

I know it doesn't work like that. I can't just blink and be amazing, I have to keep trying.

I guess tonight I thought.. What's the point in it? If I just have this feeling, I'm not genuine.

I'll never be great at anything. I'm just lacking those skills.

It's 2.38am. I wanted to feel sleepy by now but my brain said..

Hey You, I'm finally ready to talk.. So I loaded up blogger and thought, what should this be?

Crazy Self Therapy? A regular post? Fiction? But then I realised, letters draw out the vulnerability the most.

And as nothing was clear, as soon as I decided, it poured out. All of it.

I can finally sleep. I hope..

#LetterLife2 - Who likes Vampires?

I'm not a fan of the supernatural, ghosts, witches, vampires, the occult, I've written about this theme before.

It's not my cup of tea. I did enjoy the original show Charmed though, because of the relationship dynamic and the fact that I always wanted sisters.

Anyway what I actually mean by the title is, Who likes needy people?

Sounds a bit different now, doesn't it? Not as exciting as before. I've come across a great many of these in my life.

They latch on to me and instead of having a broader view of life and the world and exploring it.....

I'm the only focus of their attention. Now as an introvert, you might say, well aren't you like that?

Thank heavens No I'm not, I only relish small moments of time with people, the rest is exhausting to me.

Most of these people I've found are unhappy and dissatisfied but unwilling to change anything about their circumstances.

Instead it's me me me, text, text, call, call, message, message and always something to complain about or lash out about.

No, no, no, that becomes tedious and draining almost immediately.

But instead of doing something, starting with small changes, like finding a way to increase their social circle, get therapy, or find a real purpose for their existence, they cling on to anyone new that enters their life and whinge endlessly about how stuck they feel.

I quickly distance myself from this unhealthy alliance, it's not for me because in the end, before I cut them off for good and say Goodbye......

I impart some wisdom, the Truth Hurts comes in to play, maybe it will help, if they take it in and listen.

Probably not though but at least I tried before I ran screaming away for oxygen!

I can't remember the speech I give but it's probably like this..

Dear X Friend,

We need to have a lil talk, well actually, you just need to listen. I have tried my utmost best to be a good friend, be supportive but honest and it's not working out.

People come and go into our lives, that's normal but you cannot stick to them like glue and expect them to save you.

At some point you need to wake up and help yourself. I know this sounds harsh but it's for your own good.

I believe in tough love. Although I've not had therapy myself, I have worked damn hard to open up and explore my problems and heal myself.

You need to do the same because you're miserable and don't seem to have a purpose that brings you peace and joy.

We all need that. I know it's difficult to put yourself out there but you're not even attempting it.

Start small, you could go for daily walks, join some clubs, take up studying, further explore your interests and passions.

See what free activities are local or go to the Park or Galleries or anything that's available to you.

Do what I did, start volunteering and/or find a mentor in the field that you're hoping to break into.

Set yourself a daily goal, make it doable. Inspire yourself each day to be a better person.

Work out what makes you tick, what you can't live without doing?

For me it's simply writing, being a creator and even that took time but I kept trying and eventually it took.

It wasn't easy or straightforward, I was very frustrated and had no faith in myself but in the end, I knew it was important and I didn't give up.

I kept at it and it paid off. I urge you to do the same because in your current state of depression, you're driving people away.

No-one can fix you But you! Be brave and bold and surprise yourself by doing something about your situation, right now, start today.

And if you do it, forget about me or anyone else being proud that you stepped up..

You'll be immensely proud of yourself that you got up off the floor and changed for the better.

That's all I have to say, you've always known what to do, it's time to get on with it and if you can't manage it, then get assistance, get counselling or friends/family to aid you.

There is no shame in getting help if you need it. In fact it's courageous and commendable.

Goodbye and good luck.

#LetterLife1 - Dear Monsieur Wrong

Dear Monsieur Wrong,

I know Monsieur Right doesn't exist, so maybe you do? I wanted to write some fiction today.

But I think I need to talk or vent or ask questions or get answers from someone other than myself.

I did open up all the unfinished stories on the blog, one by one and thought, which one should I work on?

I don't really have ideas. Should I just compose nonsense and hope it works out?

I've got asmr playing in the background. I've got 2 films open. I'm scattered. I can't focus at all.

There's a new story playing in my head but all seems similar to the others.

I want to let go, jump on a story and finish it but knowing that I'm not just going through the motions, that I care about it and am inspired and have confidence that it will turn out well.

I feel none of that. I'm stuck, I want romance, I want to write romance, I just don't feel particularly romantic and don't want to talk or mingle at all.

So help me out. What's your recommendations? How do I fix me?

Dearest Mademoiselle, 

I exist solely for you. To be in your company and to help and guide and support you, whenever you need it,

Why do you need to do anything right now? You have enough pressure in your life.

But I sense that is where your passions lie and I am all about the passions.

Just reach for my hand, let me pull you close and I will work with you to solve this small problem.

For you see, with me around, everything will be seen with fresh eyes, fresh smiles, fresh convictions and a fresh suitor, oui oui?

That's it Cherie, smile for me, gush for me, fall for me, let your troubles melt away.

I want you to think about your last story, how did you feel when it was completed, my sweet capable Cherie?

Dearest Monsieur, 

I felt relieved actually. It was the story I challenged myself to write and publish in a day and I didn't think I could do it.

I was blank for ages until certain pieces floated into my brain and it pieced together and started to flow.

And suddenly, it was just bubbling and I was getting emotional writing it.

I was pleased with how it turned out. I accomplished that goal for the milestone blog.

But now this emptiness is back and I feel alone and although, that's my preferred spot..

I want someone but I don't want them. I want to be alone and comforted at the same time.

I want to be looked after but not intruded upon. That's it really.

Dearest Mademoiselle, 

Look at me Cherie, I know what you want and need and what is best.

And simply speaking it is me. I am everything you crave and everything you didn't.

I am perfect but also littered with flaws. You can make me into anything you want.

But I do not change for anyone, not even you my precious. 

I am a tireless listener though, but I am all about the action, so we must always be actively joined together, being productive.

But sometimes I can't be bothered with the writey writey talky talky, so in those times, we do the kissy kissy ;)

Dearest Monsieur, 

It is getting late but you have made me laugh a lot tonight and I appreciate the cheesiness of the conversation.

I think for now, you did provide what I needed and that was some lightheartedness.

It's a good start. I feel less stressed and a lot silly.

Thank you and Goodnight Monsieur.

Dearest Mademoiselle,

I will do anything for you at any time, day or night. Ma chambre is always open.

Sleep well Cherie but not too deeply in case I need a hug tonight.

I will remind you that you have it in you to create magic on a page, the next time you feel lost and alone.

Dream of me, your handsome caregiver

X