#BlogLife927 - Do I want to feel good about myself or do I want a parent in my life?

I feel like I'm making myself sick with this stress. My throat isn't even sore, but it's dry and hoarse, I sound like a man ugh..

I'm still not ready to talk to Mama but I should text her and say I'm ok, I just don't know the correct words to use to explain my absence...

I am also avoiding being confronted as to Why........? I've always censored myself around her, never felt free to say..

The way you treat me sometimes is unacceptable. I can't talk to someone that is unreceptive.

It just feels so wrong to put my needs ahead of hers and stick up for myself.

Parents are supposed to be held in high esteem, aren't they? I should text her while she's at Church, that way she can't respond.

I'm selfish I know that. I should just carry on letting her treat me badly.

But I just can't do it anymore. Texting I'm taking a break is circling in my mind but the Why question is too...

Ok that is done as my voice is cracking. I just said I'm fine, I just need a break from you for a while and I'll be in touch.

After a while she said ok.

I knew she wouldn't have the courage to ask why and I'm not sure I would have told her.

That was pretty funny, I looked over the Iceland order half was missing then two seconds later I'm re-buzzed and I know it's the regular guy apologising.

We just laughed as I said I just realised also that stuff was missing, aka the bread to make toasties and the fillings, plus snacks.

I don't feel supported but that's nothing new, I do however feel creative which is strange I guess.

My throat is burning, it hurts to swallow and I feel stuffy plus sicky.

I thought I was going to throw up again but I didn't.

I got banned from another chatroom with no explanation ha. There are alternatives so I'll join one of them, so silly.

The more I'm pressurising myself to be ok and healthy is the worse I feel.

I hate that I'm on a deadline and I hate that I have to see the twit advisor on Thursdays with the buses not running properly.

I did make a to-do list maybe I'll copy the posts/story from 7 Cups to hear as one big post.

I feel like I was going to say something else but I can't think, maybe I already said it?

I don't know how much I'll be posting while I'm recovering. I could have spaced these out but I had to publish, I don't know why..

To clear my brain maybe..

#LetterLife4 - Dear Mama - I can't pretend anymore

I've realised that telling myself to forget about it and get over it, isn't working.

I don't even know if there's anything new I can add to this, that I haven't already written, but my brain says vent....

The recurring thing playing in my head is to ask, Why do you sometimes feel the need to treat me like s**t?

I don't like swearing but I think it's the strength of my anger that is continually growing and it has nowhere to go..

Part of it must be the resentment, that you can act so civil towards others but to me, it's disappointment or insults or neglect.

And I just take take take it and make it acceptable because I don't want to rock the boat, confront you or make you feel bad.

As time passes, less of me wants you in my life. You're the only person I let close to me, that depresses me.

I'm tired of letting you get away with thinking you're a good parent, that we have a bond.

I wouldn't let anyone else act this way around me and not pipe up or kick them out of my life.

But because we are supposed family, I'm stuck with you? But I'm starting to think Am I really?

You texted me today or yesterday but not to check up, not to ask why I haven't gotten back to you, but to say something routine.

You're oblivious to how damaging you are to me. I'm even tempted to block your number for a while so that I can have peace from you.

I can't do it, too much guilt but every time you mistreat me, it forces me to look back on a lifetime of repulsive behaviours.

I take responsibility for my actions and words but you never do.

Maybe this time apart will make you reflect. I doubt it. I know you're going away soon and I hope you have a great time, bigging the other two up and saying minimal stuff about me.

I guess I wonder what it would take, for you to finally show me some respect and take my needs into consideration?

Sorry that I have to repeat myself but I have too. 

1. You allowed your sons to bully me so much I stopped talking. I stopped wanting to live. I stopped smiling.

I felt so unloved like I was damaged and broken, like nothing in me was good and pretty and intelligent and capable.

2. You fixated on my weight and looks and personality so much I became so insecure that I hated myself.

I stopped eating, I hung around people who treated me like I was an idiot. All because you told me too and still you wanted me to be better, different, like everyone else...

3. You glowed and preened at any mistake, big or small that I dared to make as a human being. On and on and on, you pointed out my flaws and laughed.

I realised what you were doing, making me feel small, so I developed a trick, I pretended not to recall such instances and you were shocked and disappointed, you couldn't mock me anymore.

4. Home was explosive. I couldn't talk up, I was afraid to express an opinion. I knew sooner or later I would be beaten up, it was coming..

Home should have been the place a girl feels safe and secure but it wasn't. You kept those 2 bullies around torturing me.

I started dating hoping that somebody would save me, see me, spoil me, cherish me, love me.

Anything to stay out later and later but all that happened was that I was exploited, used, harassed and abused once again.

(I think another part of me died after that and I never recovered fully).

I take responsibility for those dates but I would not have been on them, if home was a decent place to grow up in.

The sad thing is, I thought you would have loved having a daughter, like a mini you.

Someone to confide in and spoil and protect and boost my confidence and quietness....

But it seems to me, you prefer having sons that threaten to harm you, character assassinate you, steal from you and ignore you.

You can't shut up about how great they are. Their accomplishments and their life and how helpful they are.

If you really really really love them so much, despite how they are around you and despite how you've told me, during the holidays they barely speak to you, are on their phones 24-7 but demand the earth immediately from you....

Then maybe focus on them and not the fat, stupid, idiotic, unsociable, hard hearted daughter that you don't seem to like much.

I'm running out of patience. I'm sick and tired of seeing myself through your eyes.

I just don't want to despise myself or change to make you happy, Why the hell should I?

If I started treated you badly, would that earn your affection???

The last thing that plagues me is, maybe the real reason I run from potential friendships and relationships..

Is that you've taught me time and time again, Who I am, isn't good enough.

I want to be carefree with the randoms but every time it gets real I can't help but think I'm a complete nothing and nobody, bound to be rejected, let's push them away first before they even think about it.....

Goodbye for now Mama. I don't want to deal with you right now.

#BlogLife774 - Dear Mama - I don't want to say this/4 week period

I guess the good thing is that I remembered to do the hair oil thing, it felt good giving myself a scalp massage this morning.

Now I have a face mask on and I wanted to do the face brush but the battery is dead, as per usual, when I go to use it.

Something has been living in my mind and refuses to leave, so either this will stay a draft or I'll let it out.

I'm just fed up of having a family that is out to get me, and continues making my life a living hell.

You are my only tether to that evilness, your sons, I mean and if I cut ties with you, I feel like I'll finally be free and at peace.

Obviously I could never say this to you, but over the years, I've gotten close.

I can't stop thinking about it, around and around it goes. I feel like I'm literally being driven crazy.

First it's being just verbally tortured and threatened and now more than ever it feels psychological.

They win, they can have you all to themselves. I just want to stop being afraid, to stop looking over my shoulder, to be able to take a breath and not worry about the consequences.

It will be near impossible to say Goodbye, but if I don't do something for myself, I'm going to jump off the deep end.

Today I basically said, I don't care what happens to me anymore.

Let them cart me off to jail. I just can't stand it anymore. There is nothing left of me.

I want to have a life, I want to form a bond with someone. I want to be normal.

I want to be able to function but I'm stunted, like an overgrown child.

I'm just hiding, hiding, hiding, never being true to myself, never letting anyone close to me.

I just don't know if it's worth being tied to you anymore.

I realise that's ungrateful or blameful and I don't think you're a bad person.

I just think you're only crime is, you're too forgiving and there are no consequences to their actions.

The posts that keep jumping into my head, is this..

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2017/08/if-im-not-me-who-am-i.html

And this one..

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2022/04/bloglife259-you-killed-my-last-safe.html

That's how far gone I am. It helps to air this out and I just feel like, on some level you know, I may or may not cut you out of my life, for my sanity.

But honestly this whole blog is made up of these types of posts, about bullying and despondency.

And you choose to continually brush it under the carpet.

I just can't cast it aside anymore. I didn't even want to write this post but it was a necessity.

I just feel like I need to say Goodbye and I don't want too.

I'm just defenceless once more and I'm sick of it. The fear of what will they do next???

I am not okay. I know that's not what you want to hear but it's the truth.

I'm slipping, slipping, slipping further away from you. I genuinely did not want to admit any of this out loud but when I wrote this.

It felt like a release, it needed to be aired in some format. I don't feel better for sharing it but I feel more at peace.

It's no longer chipping away in my mind. I needed to clear my head, there's too much stress already.

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On to today (Tuesday), the JSA appointment wasn't cancelled, so I was advised to attend it and I thought maybe it's a good thing.

My advisor wasn't available but I saw her friend, which is equally sweet but she said, they are out of printing paper, so that was a dead end.

She said the JSA side of things is officially closed, so the migration to Universal Credit is complete.

When I logged into Universal Credit, there was something about Sanctions..

Which I am expecting, fines or worse. I feel so dizzy today, I felt like I was going to fall over, vomit and pass out.

My back is killing me, there is breast pain, nausea, cramps and exhaustion.

But even though I kept faltering, I held on to walls and just perservered.

I went to Ryman's and spent about £6 on 2 extra large brown envelopes and some sellotape to keep it together.

Then before that was the library and thankfully, hardly anyone was there, so the lady in charge had time to help me.

She was really kind and I appreciated that, she did the whole of the 134 double sided printouts and didn't give me a hard time about it.

I was so relieved, I apologised to the woman who came after me, to print 2 pages, ouch.

I left home about 9.35am and now it's 12pm. Anyway, anyone want to guess how much it cost?

I figured maybe £20 or £30....... Not even close.

This cost me just over £48, I also went to the Bank to get out about £50 to pay for everything prior.

Then she kept warning me about the cost and I said it's ok, because I have no choice, it has to be done.

She said, we don't accept cash, just card so that was fine, I put in my details, they were approved and the long wait for the printer begun.

Now I am home and have to wait for the Bank statements to get here this week, then I will seal them up.

I hope 2 envelopes are enough, if not I can get more. I don't know whether I should put Freepost on all of them but I don't want to risk it, incase it bounces back.

I'm on a time limit. Then when everything is here, the last step is to seal them, weigh them at the Post Office, buy the stamps and post them.

£54 so far, maybe just over £6 altogether? Who knows, I just want it done.

I should do my brows again but I can't be bothered. I so want sushi or any takeout but I won't do it.

I should go to the kitchen and make food but the pain is too much currently, I don't want to move.

I'm not really hungry but for energy I should munch and it is lunchtime, plus I've been up for several hours..

Oh and right on queue, my tum starts rumbling. Ugh why won't this stupid period end.

4 fricking weeks long!!! And pmt to boot.

Despite all of this nightmare. At least I didn't have to make dozens of trips this week.

Actually there maybe one more, the Universal Credit one is maybe this week or next, she said soon.

I have no idea though. They didn't explain anything about how to use the website.

I checked the post, but I have a feeling the Postie's gonna knock for the bulk statement delivery.

#BlogLife529 - Be my chauffeur

I didn't realise that the Trinny takeover makeover show is back so I had fun watching the season 6 opener.

One of the randoms was talking about how he is supposedly shy and yet every chance he got brought up sex.

Pfft. But he was also talking about shopping with me and making him presentable.

He's not local so I wouldn't do it but the previous times, the men in question, didn't want a change of style, they were very rigid and not open to my ideas.

But I think they wanted a woman to stand by them and say they looked good, which they did.

They both had good figures and needed some brightness to their wardrobe and modernising but I gently pushed them in the right direction and make them feel pretty :D

I mostly have gotten rid of this 2 day headache that is plaguing me. I feel blocked up without being having cold/flu symptoms.

Maybe I have caught a chill as the sun is shining and I am shivering away, great excuse to plug in the blankie again.

My whole head has been hurting and I've been using the eye mask, napping, applying peppermint oil, playing binaural beats and doing whatever else comes to mind.

I hope it fades forever now. Chronic pain is bad enough and the weekend is downtime, I don't need more of it, when this is my moment to  forget everything and relax.

I was convinced the Amazon tops were going to arrive today but now I have a feeling it will be Monday.

I just want them to get here, to see if there are as nice as the one I bought.

I'm tempted to buy lemon essential oil, I think that is supposed to be healing also.

I researched the oils before I bought the diffuser, (that I no longer use).

Some you aren't supposed to apply directly to the skin but I felt so bad, I wanted maximum exposure so I put it on my wrists, neck and nose.

I did feel a lil instant relief, I have to say and I haven't washed it off, I just rinsed my hands as I didn't want to rub my eyes again.

Oh actually my eyes were affected, they weren't burning, but they did feel sensitive. I didn't put much on but a lil eye discomfort was worth it.

It's been about 3 months since the last eyebrow wax and pedicure and I have to epilate my legs on one side.

My thighs are almost completely hairless still. I'm so glad I didn't bother with the permanent laser treatment, what a waste of money.

I miss getting facials done, probably manicures too, although physically I don't think I could tolerate sitting/lying still for that amount of time, on a hard surface.

I can manage to do them at home effectively clearing my skin up but it was soo de-stressing to get the face massages and the care.

Pedicures are pretty indulgent as well though, as there are instances where I neglect my legs and feet so pedicures make up for it.

Did I ever tell you about my driving lessons when I was excited about learning to drive and getting a car?

I can't remember how old I was, 17yrs/18yrs maybe. I'm sure I was still a teenager.

So my Mama arranged for a friend at Church to give me some lessons.

In one way, he was a likeable chap and in another sense, I felt like he was trying to parent me, which I felt was out of order.

And at that point I was probably at the height of my rebellion so instead of being quiet, I had random angry outbursts, which few people saw or expected.

It first started at a Church beach outing and I was reading a Mills and Boon book hahaha.

And he was outraged so he said you can't read that and he tried to talk to my Mama and say, have you seen what your daughter has in her hands?

Mama didn't say anything because she wasn't bothered. I was either an adult already or I was getting there.

I wasn't embarrassed, I have very few friends and I knew there probably wouldn't be anyone to talk to on the coach and I didn't want to be bored.

Hence the book so when he just kept hounding me. I snapped and said....

You're not my Papa. Only he can tell me what to do! The whole of the coach as well as himself was gobsmacked.

He could not say a thing to me after that because he knew I was right.

Go parent your own damn kids and stop trying to bully me into submission.

Anyway that passed and bad feelings didn't linger but he gave me one driving lesson and after that I quit because he was shouting at me.

Teachers are supposed to be patient and tolerable and he wasn't.

I was supposed to turn or pause and I didn't know how so I just took my hands off the steering wheel and knew he would take over to avoid crashing his precious car.

He was yelling and screaming at me. Saying can't you see the obstacle?? And I didn't appreciate that.

I lied and said nope couldn't see it and I think he gave me another eye test, to see a registration number...

The first one I think I read it easily and after that incident, I faked and misread it on purpose.

And he was like hmmmm, I'm not sure your vision is good enough.

I drew the conclusion that I didn't want to be in another situation where I was being verbally attacked.

My vision is really bad anyway, I wear contacts, I can barely see when it's dark. I'm short sighted.

I can't really read signs far away and it made me realise that, drivers have to have eyes in the back of their heads.

They have to see clearly and be responsible and fork out a lot of money, for insurance and taxes and the rest of it.

I didn't want to do that, with barely having enough money to live on and buy groceries.

And Mama kept pressuring me to learn because for some reason she didn't want to.

I don't know why but as the parent, if she wanted a car, she should have passed her test.

She knew if I had passed my test that I would be giving her lifts and picked her up when she wanted, which was fine.

But that didn't happen anyway. I didn't feel comfortable that I would be able to see properly even in the daytime.

What if my lenses fell out? What if my vision got blurry or they slid out of place?

I couldn't exactly pause to remove my lenses and re-insert them in traffic, could I?

There is no way I could drive with glasses because I only have a quarter of vision with them and at the sides, no sight at all.

I didn't mind taking the bus, except if it was really far or I had tons of shopping with me.

And the one thing I was adamant about was not getting into debt. I bought what I could afford.

She had this bad habit of relying on other people for lifts so it felt like, instead of taking a cab, we would be the last people there, begging for a lift, which was humiliating and tiring.

That was one of the reasons I just fought against socialising with family because it could never be a short visit, it was almost to the point where we overstayed our welcome.

Eventually I started taking cabs home or taking the bus early because it was draining to be in those gossipy, back-stabbing, judgy environments.

I think my point with all this, is that my sibling stole my Mama's credit card bought a car and in the whole of his life, has only given her a lift a handful of times.

I don't think she's ever said You owe me. He has never said I'm going to make it right and treat you with respect and show you care and consideration.

But instead of blaming him for being a thief and a user. She brought it back to me saying.

I really wish you had become a driver. You would have made my life so much easier.

SS - screwed up again right? She really can't do anything right and she is to blame because she only thinks of herself and is selfish to the core!!!!

One of the reasons I didn't want kids is because I thought I would be a bad parent, as mine sometimes were.

I know I am entitled to put my needs first because I can now. I deserve kind thoughts and actions because I was always deemed to be......... WRONG and heartless.

I wasn't self-centred before but I am now!

#BlogLife528 - Cornflakes or rice krispie treats?/Who is proud of you?

It's Friday afternoon and as you know I don't publish today as usually I am burnt out and it's no different at present.

I am mentally and physically drained and I just tried to have a nap as I'm chilly again and my head is pounding for some reason.

But it wouldn't take so I'm back up and the reason for the double title is I was thinking about snacks and then somehow my thoughts migrated elsewhere.

But I didn't want to change the title. If I had thought of it, I would have put on the cold eye gel mask I keep in the fridge but I forgot about it.

I'll probably ask for the newer one with the eye holes cut out because I hate not seeing. I don't like to interrupt the flow of productivity, unless I'm napping.

Oh shoot I keep forgetting to do the Iceland shop for tomorrow. Be right back.

That's done and I grabbed the eye mask from the fridge and my head has gone numb now, still a bit of pain but much less intense, which I am relieved about.

I remember winning it from a newspaper competition and how surprised and happy I was because it was useful and cute with eyelashes printed on it.

The coldness only lasts what seems like a few minutes but it helps with my eyes especially because the contact lenses can dry them out and make them tender.

I'm just going to leave it on my forehead like a headband. It looks like I have two sets of eyes ha!

Alright back to the title. Did you help your parents make fun desserts when you were lil?

I know my Mama had lots of recipe books but I think she used them as a guide and went with her instincts.

Her forte was usually savoury things, breads, rolls, cheese rolls, patties, pies etc.

Her cakes, biscuits and desserts were a bit hit and miss for some reason.

Maybe she over or under did the ingredients or left it to long or not enough in the oven? I'm not sure.

But I do remember being her lil helper, sometimes enthusiastically, other times begrudgingly.

As a girl it was expected to be responsible at a young age. I apparently babysat, did prep work and was useful in general.

And when I was browsing Ocado for munchies, I saw they had the chocolate cornflake snack and I loved that.

I'm pretty sure we used to make that at home but it was more the rice krispie one which wasn't as good.

I don't remember the hyper criticisms starting there. I know she was grateful for me to assist in the peeling, chopping, washing, that sort of thing.

But there was some name calling, there was a constant comparison to other children, who were smarter, slimmer, outgoing and popular.

There was never an acceptance of, Hmm, you're not like your parents or brothers, you're an individual who is quiet and curvy and has a healthy appetite.

I do recall my parents wanted me to be someone like them and not myself.

At that point I was seeking their approval and wanted them to be happy and proud of me because that's what I thought I needed to be content.

But it wasn't, I discovered through the bullying at home that I'm just me and that's perfectly adequate.

I don't need be their ideal vision because I was okay with stumbling and learning and trying to figure out, who I was going to become.

That was definitely one of the reasons I struggled with my self-esteem/depression because of that non-acceptance.

I kept trying to be better, whether it was starving myself, whether it was forcing myself to be sociable and around people that hated my guts and mocked me to my face and behind my back.

I persisted in all these attempts to be seen. What will always bother me is the girl vs boys distinction.

That no matter how badly the other 2 misbehaved, were disrespectful and broke the law, their status was elevated to a God-like reputation.

And I didn't understand that at all. Here was me, trying to be polite and co-operative and good and my parents were so disappointed in me.

Friends were disgusted, family thought I was laughable. I didn't consider myself fake.

I aspired to be the way everyone expected/wanted me to be. Even though I never achieved it.

I don't think my parents were ever proud of me and they probably won't be.

But that's fine because I don't need it anymore and I'm proud of myself for attempting to be tolerable and try their ways because it taught me, how to be authentic.

Through that I actually did find myself. I grew up and realised people were putting me in the shadows and trying to keep me down for their own ego.

And one by one I got rid of them because friendships are kind and supportive and nurturing, they are not mean and hurtful.

If no-one has uttered I am proud of you. Then I will say to you. For all the lil and big achievements.

I will pat you on the back and say Well done! I know what you are capable of and you have unlimited potential.

I hope that you see that and if not today, maybe in the future.

I am so proud of you :)

I don't know where this fits in and maybe it does not but something has been preying on my mind and I have to put it somewhere.

I recall a long time ago females especially visitors turning up and reading cards and there were words saying You're Mama is great, you're so lucky to have her, I feel close enough to call her my Mama too.

And at first I was territorial as though, Hey she belongs to me, not you, get your own parent.

However when I thought about it and matured. I thought, that's alright that she has gratitude shown and she's helped them and they have formed a bond.

But it also struck me that there is no way in hell, she showed them her mean side.

The bullying side, the critical side, the crushing self-esteem side of her, that she mostly projected onto me.

And I thought Hmmmmm. I wonder what they would think, if they knew what the other side of her was like?

To her own daughter, her own flesh and blood and I was never tempted to expose her.

That never crossed my mind at all. I just wished that she could have shown me that encouraging, empathetic, kind side of her.

She is not all bad. She can be supportive and sympathetic but the years of damage have been done and there is no way to fix that or make it better.

And I feel unburdened sharing that with you. That is the simple truth.

I was trying to grow up happy and then insecurity and my weight and my looks were hammered into me, that I didn't measure up.

I SS, was never good enough but I worked so hard to get back to my calm, confident peaceful place.

She has a nagging sister that judges her and she doesn't realise she does the same to me.

That's how it feels, decisions are wrong, thoughts are misguided, actions are not accepted.

Especially the anger, distrust and bitterness towards my siblings.

She can't let me have those emotions, even though I grew up petrified that I wouldn't survive.

Even though I was verbally abused every day. Even though they made me hate and torture myself.

I have every right to feel how I feel, even if she disagrees. They made me not want not to live anymore.

One last memory that keeps popping up is going clothes shopping with her and trying on a jacket or dress that was barely an inch too small.

But I needed it almost immediately so I didn't purchase it. The look of disappointment and resignation on her face though, was what killed me.

It was like, Ughhhhh really? Look at you. I'm stuck with an overweight daughter that has no self-control and can't make me proud of her, because she eats and eats.

Why couldn't I have her cousin instead, which is the one I really wanted.

She in comparison, is bright, self-assured, skinny, worldly, outgoing and has food discipline but no instead I get stuck with you.

What did I do to deserve you???

She didn't say any of the above but it was written all over her face.

I'm not exaggerating. I'm not being pessimistic. I'm just being transparent.

And you know how I can tell, she was thinking all of that? All I heard growing up, was why can't you be like your cousins???

In other words, why do you have to be you????

That is pretty cutting to hear. No wonder I didn't like myself.

#BlogLife192 - Does my mama resent me?

If you are a writer or blogger, it's hard staring at a blank page willing it to inspire you.

When I first started out, I did that a lot, thinking an idea will come into fruition quickly and I'll be done in no time.

Now if I am empty. I'll do different things, housework, emails, cooking, and when I relax and free my mind, an idea will pop up or maybe just a title.

Sometimes I'll just write a bit and leave it as a draft because there is another post or chapter I want to focus on first.

Other times, it just doesn't feel ready so I'll hold off from publishing and put up something else instead.

This is what happened today because I was working on something else and this thought popped into me head.

When my parents separated after months of brutal fights and sleeping in separate rooms.

My mama came to me as my papa was not handling it well. She asked me, after making the decision to move out and divorce if they should reconcile.

I thought that was a pretty insensitive thing to ask a kid. I did want them to be a family but I don't think anybody was happy at the point.

I personally wanted to get as far away from one of my siblings as possible.

I think I just said, you don't seem happy, it's up to you but it's probably not a good idea, if you can't find a way to patch things up.

She went ahead with the divorce but told me after he passed. Hmm, I really should have reconciled.

It wasn't an accusatory tone but I wonder if deep down she blames me for her adult decision to break up.

I muse if that is the reason she continues to give me a hard time.

As deep down she thinks I interfered in her life. She trashed him, he trashed her but once again, she re-wrote history in her mind.

#BlogLife103 - Emotional/Physical pain threshold

I am due to return back home sometime tomorrow (Sunday). Talking to my mama, reminiscing about life is always a strange concept because she rarely admits how paralysing her behaviour was/is.

We discussed passed acquaintances and family who saw us as beneath them. Yet she still wouldn't admit she was wrong when she made me forgive those that harassed me to such a point I retreated inwards.

She readily confessed that she herself was handled poorly by people but hasn't learned that she was guilty of doing that to me and still does it.

I was hoping she would finally realise her mistake that she shouldn't be constantly waiting for me to make an error so she can jump on me and berate me over and over for it.

I'm happy to admit it and rectify it, I just don't need every flaw thrown back in my face. I wish she would see that standing up for oneself is justified.

Does Christianity mean you have to be a doormat? Even before she was religious, she didn't stand up for herself at all so her lesson for me, was...

Let me destroy your belief in yourself and allow everybody else to do it also without any arguments or interruptions or any way to counter their points.

Hang around those destructive people because they are family and they deserve your affection and kindness and you cannot ever say anything mean or refuse to talk to them.

This is why I don't like people. Even after having matured and my confidence spiked upwards, there are still judgements and kernels of hate towards me.

I saw it a lot from family, to relatives, to close friends whose inequality I was supposed to accept and be grateful that I got any attention from.

I saw it from men that tried to control me and take over my mind. They wanted me to devote myself to them even though they were cheating or saying I don't want to commit to you but I demand all your time.

I have someone else in my life, girlfriend/wife/fiance/interchangeable women.. Oh you didn't know?

Well now you do and I prioritise them over you, even though I don't really care about them but to me, you are still not someone I can show affection for. 

Don't you think you should dress better? Try to impress me, even though I don't take you anywhere special? Don't you think you should wear makeup because your skin isn't perfect?

Don't you think you should weigh less because my last girlfriend was really slim and she looked better than you do. I'll tell you what, I'll help you and if I see you eating something I don't approve of, I'll forbid you and make you feel bad.

I mean it was that kind of thing, being attacked from all sides. As for the physical side of my symptoms. I know that bending will keep letting the pain build up until my back locks up.

I know that not sleeping or taking naps will make the pain increase earlier in the day. I know that by staying in a sitting position, the pain spreads more easily.

I do know that for the last couple of days I managed to get a couple hours of sleep at least, so no pain at the moment, just bloatedness and slight irritability.

I get mama easy convenient gadgets for the home and she always dismisses them but then I turn around and she has bought something more complicated and I struggle to use it.

It annoys me frankly. I thought the whiskey stones would be cute and simple because every time I come here, the drinks are warm.

It is basically rocks that you keep in the freezer and keep your drinks cool without diluting them, they don't contain alcohol.

They are just aimed at alcohol drinkers who don't want their booze watered down. They were okay but took ages to get cold and didn't work as well as I had hoped.

She gave them away so I thought okay, I'll just give her, the easiest ice tray possible, big chunky blocks which don't need prying out....

She said No. I don't have any use for that. I sighed and rolled my eyes. Now she has got the most awkward ice tray ever, with the tiniest cubes that get stuck.

I cannot even open it or get the ice out. It makes me feel weak but using that, strains my hands. 

She over buys food and keeps the fridge and freezer stocked to the brim but anytime I open something she complains it isn't immediately consumed.

I want to scream, what is wrong with you? She wouldn't dare do this to anyone else, that is why she bugs me but tomorrow I shall go home to my empty cupboards and fridge/freezer and later on have an Iceland order appear......

Bliss, no headaches. I know it's her place and I am grateful for hanging out but I am physically/emotionally raw. I want to go back home to my safe place where there are no more attacks.

Goodbye for now emotional abuser. I won't miss you as much as I once did because you continue to make me feel demoralised, unlovable and insignificant as a human being.

I realised last night that you continue to praise and defend those that made me feel disrespected and you see no issue with that whatsoever.

But me, you are quick to harp on about my failings and shortcomings to further let me sink in despair. I'm just content with being sarcastic back to you because you are content with talking over me and making me feel I should stay quiet.

You never listen and yet, you always demand to be heard. I guess you will miss out on the highlights of my life because it seems a waste of time to share anything real.

Your loss because I am a wonderful, decent, kind and special person.

Toodles Mama..