#BlogLife474 - Do you think it's easy being debilitated?

Song of the day - Nickelback - Lullaby

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjkJ6GZh-pY&list=PL_S79tzxwHpOjlynfkGbkx-UC99ltSAXW&index=1

Song of the day - Shawn Mullins - Lullaby

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSPjTAFn-l0&list=PL_S79tzxwHpOjlynfkGbkx-UC99ltSAXW&index=8

Sorry about the delay, I was all set to edit and publish but a wave of cramps and lethargy washed over me and knocked me out and I had to rest.

Sometimes I hate my creative brain, I was trying to switch off and these deep and meaningfuls kept chattering in my head.

My mind was raring to write but my body was gone, too much tiredness and discomfort.

The reason I have put up these two different songs is due to my state of mind, when I first and subsequently listen to them, it's like stepping away from the mental breakdowns and depression I was going through.

Like a musical someone was saying, hang in there, it's going to be okay, persevere and come out of the other side.

Yesterday I was talking to an acquaintance and she's normally really cool but there is something she keeps bringing up and she knows my situation, that it's difficult to cope with being ill.

But she keeps hammering the point that I should be able to get additional support and benefits from being chronically ill.

You might think she is looking out for my welfare but I have to painstakingly explain for the hundredth time that this is all bundled together with recognition.

I have to be seen as ill and that has to be taken seriously. I've been fighting for myself to be heard, believed and treated since I was a teenager, to absolutely no avail.

(Side note). As I was just handed my groceries and I already forgot what the top up quickie shop entailed..

Mouthwash, my beautiful scented Radox bath soak, that I use as a gel and some chicken wraps for tomorrow.

Then as he handed me the bags with the drinks, I shrieked and he laughed, not in a bad way but in a.... Be careful Madam lol.

As it was a big bottle of sugar free Ribena squash and 2x6 cans of sugar free 7UP in one bag, arghhh.

I thought Oh no, my legs are buckling, my arms are weakening but I readjusted and was fine.

I may pay the price tomorrow but that will be an issue then.

Those were the things I was running low on and to do a full Ocado shop would be quite pricey so a mini one suited me better.

I made sure there were discounts. £6.50 saving I think altogether, plus free delivery and that makes it worthwhile.

I was disappointed that I didn't see the Christmassy red Radox but there's a green one I haven't used before and that was in stock.

I'll review it when the other one finishes. I do love the red but it comes out in clumps and ends up spilling into the water so it's a bit wasteful.

I know it's supposed to be used as a soak but as I can't physically sit in a tub, I have to stand and use these products in a showery gel form.

Alright enough rambling, back to the subject. To have to admit to someone continually that I am on my own and every time I visited Doctors and Specialists, it kept sending me into spirals of depression.

Is really upsetting in itself. I had to hold back the floods of tears because it was in a public place.

To get told cruelly that you're wasting their time and are faking and just lying is utterly disheartening.

To face that inner fear that you're existence is meaningless and the medical tests backed it up because there was no evidence to back up my claims, is tantamount to anyone having a breakdown.

How long do you debate and crawl to the medical profession and deal with being talked down to and being judged and criticised throughout the visits???

I'm not putting myself through that. I'm in a good as any place. My health is deteriorating and that's normal I guess.

I just have to add that, it's really weird the supplements are giving me additional periods.

I've taken vitamins before and I don't recall this happening before.

I told her again and she knows that, I have to deal with this situation each time I visit a GP or hospital,

But it just vexed me that she was saying casually, Oh you could have been entitled to a free heating blanket (arghhh).

That is insult to injury!!! Don't tell me these things, knowing that I have to go through a battery of medical test to claim for it.

And that invariably I'll be denied. It's sickening! Everyone labels it as disabled in a wheelchair/crutches.

And able-bodied, walking around unaided. I'm in the latter pile so will forever be stuck in the grey area of disbelief.

I've been discriminated a lot and it will continue but that has been my life since I was a teenager and now I'm in my forties.

It's just the way it is. I just don't appreciate someone making out like it's so easy breezy to get diagnosed, it bloody isn't.

Just because bones are supposed to have healed, it doesn't mean they have.

In the same way, just because the tests are not revealing symptoms, it doesn't mean I'm fabricating, it just means, you need a new way of testing patients!!!

Quack doctors

I'm feeling really conflicted at the moment. Possible changes are around the corner finally but now I have to face my fears and make a doctors appointment.

I haven't done that for many years now because I hate the medical profession that dismisses you and makes you feel crazy.

Like you're wasting their precious time because they haven't been able to diagnose you and you don't fit into anything typical.

When I switched to my third and final doctor. I gave it my last chance. I have been sick since I was a teenager and all they were content to do is make me go back and forth with blood tests.

Telling me that I was making up my symptoms and that I just needed pills and more pills. Antidepressants, painkillers and iron tablets because my body doesn't process iron very well.

I'm someone that doesn't ask for help. I fix myself. I do whatever I feel is best and relying on pills isn't and trying to be recognised as someone with chronic health issues is just as detrimental to my health as the symptoms themselves. 

I started to question my own sanity and wondered if maybe I was making it all up but then I moved and did something routine and the pain was instant and then I knew. 

My pain was real. 

Right at the beginning. I reluctantly accepted the cocktail of medication that I was prescribed because it was necessary. 

However being a numb walking zombie and not being able to keep down food, sleep or feel anything was horrendous. I just felt paranoid and blank. 

Defying the doctors orders. I took myself off them and felt immediately better. It still surprises me how strong I am deep down but I've been through a lot and treating myself naturally without chemicals is far better for me.

Hot/cold gel packs, massage cushion with heat and simply resting is all the assistance I need. As for the panic attacks, my secret weapon is distraction. 

Eyes averted, deep breaths and music playing in my ears. If I don't or can't do those things it is ten times worse and it's all I can do to stop myself from passing out.