#BlogLife140 - What's wrong?

If you're following my twitter, you'll know I'm on a hiatus at the moment. I don't feel as bad as I did but walking around, stepping anywhere sends me jolts of sharp pain.

Without going into details, this is what it is. I had something as a teenager which had a varying degree of intensity. Some days blah I'm sick?

You wouldn't notice, I didn't notice. Other days it was like, I couldn't do anything at all. 

Then nearly two decades ago something else occurred and it's as though, it increased everything.

My body was like ok, you are just about managing and now seriously?

You want to add that to the mix? You know that has made everything heightened?

It all seems to merge together so the backache is from a pre existing injury. 

Except because I am so fragile, the pain is not staying in one place.

No no no. It wants to have fun, spread around and play games, so it's decided, Hey I'm going to affect your lower and upper back.

When you sprawl out, I will send out mini twinges, just to let you know I'm still here. 

If you try to move at all. Big mistake. I will remind you who is the boss.

The pain will be crippling. It doesn't matter how slowly you walk, how small your steps are, even if you are holding onto the walls.

There is no difference. The pain will be violently strong and then while you are upright but motionless. 

Just for giggles. I'm going to wait for you to relax and then send sharp bursts of pain to you.

It's coming up to a week and I was excited about finishing my story and recording it but I don't think it would work with me saying ow ow ow ouchhhhhh during the voiceover.

I may still work on it a lil bit but I am just trying to keep calm, sleep a lot and do as lil as possible to maintain some sort of toughness and semi alright mood.

That's about it really, in case you were wondering. That is what I am dealing with! See normally I just contend with ongoing dull aches but when it comes to sharp piercing pain..

My brain just can't shake that off and it affects me profoundly. It's near impossible to be productive, strong or calm.

Very unpleasant. I don't recommend having health issues, kinda screws up your days......

#BlogLife75 - Finally believing in myself

I guess with all the changes this year I am starting to feel a lot different about myself. I have spoken to people from all alternative walks of life with different issues and ego levels.

I do have confidence but not as much as I thought I had. Through being dedicated with the writing, the books and the Supporter role..

I just feel like before I was saying Yes I can do this outwardly but inside I was saying You really cannot. Face the facts. I needed to challenge myself and my inner perception to rediscover myself.

I can have these interactions and nod and quietly think to myself, been there, felt that but I no longer have those negative emotions plaguing me.

I am not saying I am completely cured and feel marvellous 24-7 because I do not. I am realising that despite not truly thinking I can do anything right or succeed, I still went ahead and tried.

I was so apprehensive about adding another failure on to my dossier that I wanted to back out and almost talked myself out of it but I persisted and followed through and held my breath and then I surprised myself.

I had setbacks and road blocks and half of me wanting to go the easy route and give up again and the other half was saying, listen you have gone so far. 

I am so proud of you for going out of your comfort zone. It wasn't easy at all and the daily ignored boundaries are a nightmare to navigate but you are rocking this, just hang in there, you'll see it will get easier.

I also took the plunge yesterday and added myself to a current UK Blogger list that I saw ages ago but didn't quite have the guts to add myself too.

I just thought it was time now and although it took all day to find an image as my blog doesn't have any to use as a thumbnail. I found something, not quite what I hoped but it was stunning.

Hopefully that will help me get more noticed/followed. I also get some unexpected recognition as one of the top ten supporters for taking on the highest number of chats.

News to me, I thought I was skiving lol but sweet to hear nonetheless :)