#BlogLife1049 - Drawing a blank on talking..

From yesterday all my post drafts were finished and I thought ok, you'll eventually think of something to talk about today but I didn't.

My chatty brain was silent, even today there is nothing at all. I have a few chores to do, hanging out the washing to dry..

Cleaning the sink but aside from that, everything is done, apart from today's UC stuff and today's post.

The last thing was seeing how the monthly budget was going. I expected my balance to be dangerously low, even though I'm only getting the essentials but actually, it's ok.

Luckily there is enough for food and the bills this month at least. In May I will have to recheck it and see.

It's kinda unusual to feel this eerily calm, usually I am overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done. 

I guess when the pain is minimal, I can focus better and do things, lil by lil. It's all manageable :)

It's 1pm but I don't feel hungry. To be honest, there are minimal groceries left.

Sometimes I just get hormonally too hungry and the food doesn't last a week.

There is still stuff there, crackers and chicken and beef, maybe 1 pie but that's basically it.

It's only Wednesday, I guess I could do a shop for tomorrow instead of Friday..

One day early, isn't too bad, is it? Oh something I saw in Iceland are those Laila poppadom crisps which were exceptionally good for 90p.

They only have the mango chutney one. I've never seen that but the mint coriander one was extraordinarily perfect.

I hope they get it in stock. I discovered it in Ocado Zoom. Although I strive to get snacks that will last...

I saw some wholemeal wraps for £1.25. I think I will try those. I don't really fancy toast or rolls.

And those wraps made really good filling meals. It didn't even need cheese.

It's a shame, there is only an 8-10am slot, ouch, which means waking up at 7amish.

But at least it's over and done with and I can have a good first meal when I feel like it later.

At long last I remembered to pluck my brows, oof what a mess they were..

I still need a professional one done. One day when I have the energy..

I even checked the Too Good To Go app and there were no new restaurants or shops nearby offering foodie deals.

#BlogLife1017 - I need to take my power back and reclaim my strength

I feel like I've lost my joy and only now am I getting it back. I'm stressed all the time and that's become my norm and I'm sick of it.

My family, my friends, dating, health, all just taking from me and leaving me empty.

I'm more serious in this mood, less capable of having a silly chat.

There's a guy I semi regularly chat too and because he's a J, he doesn't ask a thing about me.

I've tried to steer the conversation, drop hints and it's like, he's trying to say the supposed the right thing, but really, he's still only concerned about himself.

And I completely lost it, when he said Jeez, You've been hurt or something?

Instead of acknowledging, Hey maybe she wants to have an intellectual conversation.

Instead it's Oh she's lost her mind, heartbroken, so hates all guys and her feelings aren't valid so she's not capable of being rational and coherent.

Ugh I just ended it and said, Women, think and Men don't, we are built differently.

I want to chat to someone real that I can open up too and maybe flirt with and although he says he understands and was following my queues..

He really doesn't because he kept saying Are you ok? Because normally you're fun, he didn't say that last part, but that was the interpretation.

I ignored that because either he gets me or he doesn't, there's no point saying....

Look the truth is, I'm ill all the time. I'm worried all the time. I have trouble sleeping, my brain goes to dark scenarios.

I usually feel empty or not lonely really, just in need of someone to talk too.

I was cold and snippy and said Maybe you need a woman with no brains, so let's not talk anymore.

But then I realise, talking to men that are just asking me personal questions or trying to get me to date them or flirt back isn't helpful either.

I guess I want to be coaxed with the right enquiries. How are you? How's your day going?

My lil bouts of happiness come at the end of the day, where my duties are done.

It's me time, gaming and nothing else matters. No scary monsters in my head, no more bad thoughts about the future.

Just trying to get cosy, switch off and enjoy a lil highlight. As hard as it is to just put aside these things.

I'm going to try. I have to be brave and carry on. I want to make myself proud by publishing a lot more stories and the occasional spoof or serious topic.

Dagnabit, I over ran the bath with too much hot water, now I hope the cold will balance it out, it didn't seem like it will fill that fast.

It's not my day today. I'm trying to be positive despite all these obstacles.

Got to admit, it was a horrible day. Dust blew into my eyes as the bus was pulling up, I barely saw the number and was holding onto things to see.

They had the laziest assistant working at the library, glued to her phone, she didn't want to help me print, she's like follow the instructions on the wall, the others just do it for me and are friendlier.

They made it so bloody complicated, scan this, load this, what the hell.......

She was no help at all, then bloody yahoo is saying we'll text you a code to log in, nothing, nada, by the time they did, I was late for UC appointment and every second question was, Do you have an update?

Asked and answered numb nuts! So me and my big mouth blurted out about the printouts, so he said you can give it to me Thursday.

And he always asks Are you volunteering anywhere? Ugh I've told you that a thousand times, try making notes or paying attention.

He asked how long I do it, now there is no way to answer this question so that it pleases them, if you say too many hours, Oh that's too much...

I said 1 hour, he said Oh you should do 5/6, it's not like you've got anything to do......

Schmucky schmuck shmuckiest. I have writing dodo! Just because you're inept at your role, doesn't mean, I'm not fulfilled in mine!

Ugh I have to leave early tomorrow and get it done via the library or Rymans.

I didn't get rained on though and I was so fed up and drained, I didn't bother go to the cafe or shop, I just wanted to go home, so I ordered Chinese but got a discount and because it took so long, maybe an hour, ha, they threw in prawn crackers too, which was the highlight of my day.

I didn't eat much, I'm not that hungry but I had some opal fruits and a biscuit or two and the rest maybe I'll save for Thursday.

I really miss youtube working on the laptop, I could play asmr or anti nausea or anti cramps, now I have to play that via the phone only.

Oh well tomorrow I can relax and then Thursday I'll probably miss the start of Looney Tunes new event.

Well after complaining on Twitter, Youtube works again on the laptop, which is good because last night instead of listening to sleepy asmr....

I had to play the pmt which sometimes helps settle my tummy, I felt like I had to burp or get rid of the bloating or something before I could sleep and eventually it did help but it was relaxing binaural beats music.

#BlogLife551 - Friday's Dance Party Females

Song of the day - Enisa - Blame It On Me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UV-2mw6cxYM

I was just searching for what to add for Song of the day and this popped up in the recommendations and I liked it.

It's been a rough start to the day but I'm happy you're here to keep me company :)

I felt so sick this morning it felt like I was going to bring up all my internal organs.

My stomach won't settle completely. A nap would help but I'm not tired enough for it to take.

I'm in limbo so I thought let's have a weekend party. Of course it all centres around nibbles and drinks, like any celebration should.

Lucozade, lemonade, mini steak pastry puffs, cheetos and niknaks. I'm not the biggest fan of steak but I like these.

Plus for dessert we have Black Forest Gateau, feel free to gobble all the cherries, I usually bin them.

I read somewhere that morning sickness could be linked to lack of sleep and if so it makes sense, with the couple of hours I get.

*Nappus Interruptus*

Sorry fell asleep. I was up at 7amish to get the groceries. The nap helped a bit but everytime I munch I have to quickly play the anti nausea video instead of music.

Maybe I'm not drinking enough? Although I have been sipping quite a bit.

Ahh I'll try the citrus drinks, that's supposed to be soothing.

First things first, how was your week?

Uh huh? You didn't expect that? I didn't either, so what he say? What did she say? Realllly. Hmm.. Go on...

That's it. Alright, well thanks for keeping me informed on your latest gossip :)

Eventually I started feeling better but physically it was a rough time on my body.

My mind was a lot better. I discovered some new music, a new, well new to me Turkish drama.

Sunday I had a one day period, after two months of skippage. It used to be that the periods were worse than the symptoms and now it's the other way around.

It's past 2pmish and I haven't eaten yet but I will soon. I ended up buying Mama the same phone stand as me.

I asked her if she would like one as she actually does a lot of zoom and video and whatsapp calls.

And I've never in my life done a video call. I just bought it to stop picking up my phone as much and ease the pressure.

You know when there's a lot to say, but your brain goes blank? That's me at the moment.

Oh that's what I was going to talk about. I was wondering if the Perfectil multivitamins were started to make me feel nauseated.

That was an all day sickness event and my stomach wouldn't let anything stay down.

But I think it's more the pmt related nausea because I am coming up to a month I think and I didn't experience any symptoms for the first two weeks.

In fact it gave me an energy boost. I think it picked up my mood as well.

It didn't help with the hormonal acne, I did break out a lil but with the mud mask, I think they are all fading now.

My scalp has started to go dry again. I'm eventually going to start investing in the Vatika conditioners.

I still have leftovers, that's why I'm not purchasing any. Just to clarify, I'm not dating anyone.

I don't sleep around. I just thought it was funny that I didn't have a period for two months and then I accidentally get someone else's pregnancy test.

If I was dating, I would have so many scares but then again. I've never done the unprotected thing, so maybe not?

I for once, have no nausea today so let's dance dance dance, while I make some cheesy toasties or whatever else you fancy..

*Cue the hip swings woop*