#BlogLife1131 - Not preference, but reality

I had a nice chat with a random, don't ask the name. I can't remember and then 5x days later, ghosted.

I can understand when you don't mesh and it's an effort but we seemed to get along well.

But ok, if you don't want to talk. I block and accept.

I've just tried the Grill House tandoori kebabs, the long kofte ones.

It took about 20x minutes. I'd probably do it for a few minutes more.

I like the tandoori flavour but it could do with more herbs, that was the only seasoning that came through.

I still enjoyed it. Pricey. £4 for 5x kebabs.. I had intended to slice it up and put it on top of some cheesy garlic bread slices..

But as usual I was too hungry so had the garlic bread solo.

Oh by the way G finally delivered my Iceland order and he said Oh I haven't seen you in ages..

So I said Yea I've been cheating with other supermarkets, he just laughed and dropped off the bags.

I so wish I had asked the days he was working..

Ok that freaked me out. My phone rang and no number or name came up...

I ignored it and looked at the call history. It was Mama, of course.

I don't want to talk to her yet. It's weird. It's like I already blocked her but I haven't....

I wrote the above yesterday before I sent the email. If you're wondering how I am and if I regret it..?

No. This has been brewing since I was a teenager. I could not articulate any of it.

I had no voice or expression. Day by day the lil self esteem I had was chipped away.

How I felt can be summed up in this point. Imagine, wanting to speak and not knowing how?

It's such a basic thing. Late last night I blocked her on the phone.

This post summed up, me wanting to open up but it not coming out. Until I lived alone and was safe..

This post was so powerful for me to write. In 2017, the year I started blogger..

Highlighting my pain and depression. I think it was the first proper fiction piece.

I am so proud that I was able to say it. I don't know why but I love that line..

"The strands kissed my shoulders and then danced away."

I felt like I was saying to myself through the tears. Hey, this is you, finally writing, finally unearthing.

Go you. I love you so much :) I think I classified it as fiction because although it was real, it wasn't in the usual post style.

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2017/08/if-im-not-me-who-am-i.html

This other post, relives my assault. I finally faced it and when I said He/They..

I mean't my siblings who had bullied me and stole my happiness and safety and the person who committed the act, that I had to recognise happened.

In the end, it got to the point where. It had to be acknowledged. 

That was the only way, I could write it. All of it, I tried to erase but time ran out and it doesn't matter if I'm emotional, reading or writing it..

I have to try and heal.

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2022/05/bloglife266-he-he-he-they-broke-me.html

There had been no text or email. No acknowledgement, to even say..

I didn't know any of this. I do care but if space is what you need after sharing, we will talk in the future.

I have left email as her only recourse for getting in touch. If she chooses.

I think it actually finally dawned on me, when I had the courage to say it to her..

I don't need to know Why. For my health, I just finally want it to sink in..

This was my life and reality. The one you denied. Let it sink in, how vulnerable, depressed, suicidal and unsafe I felt.

Don't dismiss my childhood because it's shameful. Accept it all happened and empathise that..

Even if you felt powerless or obligated. You never once wrestled with confronting them or calling the Police to eject them.

As for my cousins who shattered my confidence.. I did tell you about that..

You said.. They probably don't mean it. You're family. You have to be close.

I admire them for how slim they are. I love how pretty they are. They are so approachable and friendly..

Why can't you emulate them?

With your son's and nieces.. Your attitude was.. You're overreacting to it.

It's not bullying. They are too sweet. It's their Mama's fault not them.

You should want to be like them and be slim. Why can't you lose weight and talk more???

Now do you get it? What I had to live with? And why I am so angry??

And why cutting her out, is not such a problem.

I care. I love her. But there's comes a time, when you think, I've been emotionally rejected and beaten by your attitude, once to often.

It's time for you to face the consequences of your words and actions.

I was broken in pieces and so fragile and only in my 30s/40s was I able to finally face you and reveal everything. 

Whether you like it, accept it or ignore it. This is me.

I have spent decades undoing the damage. Learning how to like and love myself.

That my needs matter.

That what I think is important too.

Lastly I have grown to be a beautiful, flourished, accomplished woman.

Who talks and who people listen too and admire.

I don't hate myself. I don't think I'm dumb. I'm kind to myself and others.

Sounds vastly different to the shy girl, who just wanted to be loved, respected and listened too, with care.

Im sorry you finally have to face it. But the weight is off my shoulders.

Despite you and your family trying to make me insecure and change me..

I turned out great. Never in love. Never surrounded by friends.

But you know what??

I'm true to myself. That's a kind of happiness about not living a life in denial.

Moving forwards. I don't see our relationship being evolved.

I can't see you discussing it deeply. I could be wrong..

It will be civil and friendly but empty.

I finally get to break away of the fake version of life, that you revel in.

I can breathe again and get on with life.

#BlogLife281 - Crazy self therapy 7

Welcome back SS. It's been a while. I'm glad you came and are ready to check in with me. 

What's new? What's been happening? How are you feeling?

Well Doc.. I don't know where to start. I was doing okay, the usual stresses and strains and then it all seemed to fall apart when I had this disagreement.

The annoying thing was it shouldn't have been a big deal but somehow this small issue uncovered other triggers and I fell into some sort of.. crisis.

This is perfectly normal when it pertains to PTSD. One thing can offset others and then it just spirals.

Why do you assume you are dealing with multi layered PTSD though, can't it just be from the single, most recent type of trauma?

No it can't. Now that I am older and can better comprehend a lot more than I could as a child.

It's come to my attention that I was suffering from PTSD before I even knew what that mean't.

The experiences I had as a young girl, this was all instilled in me as nothing out of the ordinary.

The fears, the verbal abuse, the hunts, the being silenced, the disapprovals.

I'm sure I could have handled it better, if it was just one single person was doing it but everyone did it.

That's what is difficult to get my head around.

If one person tells me I'm without value. I can shrug it off but if ten people relay it to me, it sinks in and just takes up residence in my brain.

Hmm I see what you mean and understand you better now. I think at that point your PTSD was underlying.

It didn't present itself until much later because you couldn't comprehend everything that happened to you.

It's only now when you are away from your family and have found your own safe space and your own castle that you have the tools to figure it all out.

This is probably why it is hitting you doubly hard because it was just dormant before and now it's been unearthed and demands attention.

I know you don't want to but have you considered talking to your remaining parent, trying to vocalise just how bad things were or still are?

Doc, Doc, Doc. In some ways, I have. I mean when she tries to coerce me into socialising with them, I stand my ground but to be honest, she doesn't acknowledge the pain, my pain.

If she did, she wouldn't keep offending me by asking me to spend time with them all together, she would realise, wait, hang on, maybe SS doesn't need extra tears on top of the ones she exhibits.

I don't know if she has a mental block to prevent her seeing or hearing just how destructive things actually were but the magnitude is just lost on her completely.

I don't think I could say anything to get through. I have tried and it's like for that second she will understand a fraction and then as soon as the conversation is over...

It feels like I have to explain myself again, as though I'm the one at FAULT!!!!

It shouldn't be like that. I was the suicidal girl. I was the one that didn't want to live and they remain unaffected.

Bravo SS. You don't usually seem candid about wanting to terminate your existence, usually you cover it or side step.

I think it's brave and admirable to come right out and say exactly how you were feeling at those vulnerable times.

Parents do the best they can but sometimes doing nothing is counter productive.

Maybe a part of it is my fault. I was the one that covered up my actions, every time I attempted it.

Maybe if she had realised, things could have turned out differently, but then again, maybe it would have stayed the same, who knows?!

Well it is an interesting concept but you'll never know so I'm not going to dwell on what ifs and I won't allow you to do the same.

Why do you think this particular row was different to the others you surely must have had?

Good question. I reckon it was because I was having fun and I let my guard down, it seemed like a harmless place and I begun to relax.

Then it felt like a sneak attack. When I was defenceless and so that hurt more.

We uneasily made peace but I don't appreciate the excuse he made. We all have things in our past, not just you.

It negated the apology a bit for me. He should have just left it with..

I said things I didn't mean and apologise, hope we can sort it out.

Now I just don't want to be there anymore and it's a pity because I miss the others but I'm not willing to let my walls down again.

Hmm as long as you felt he sincerely mean't the apology, maybe you could try again?

I know that he did. However this isn't the first time he's been insensitive to my feelings and probably won't be the last.

I would rather not put myself in that situation again, knowing how the repercussions come about.

Fair enough. Would it help to differentiate the two types of PTSD?

The childhood one was down to verbal abuse, now these weren't death threats as such but there was a lot of meaning that wasn't indicated behind the words.

It may only have been spoken but I truly was convinced I would eventually be hospitalised or murdered by their hands, from either sibling or by my own.

I think I realised that either I can stick around and try to survive it and make the bits that aren't terrifying into some sort of life for myself.......

Or the alternative option. Take the power away from them and just end my life, on my terms, not theirs.

It was going to happen sooner or later, why not sooner and why not at my discretion??

I did it again and again and again and again. It just didn't produce the desired results and the last time I think I recognised that deep down I did want to survive.

I just needed an outlet. Regarding the recent PTSD which isn't new.

That developed about.. Fifteen years ago and was more pronounced.

I had panic attacks, nightmares, flashbacks. This seemed more physical.

There were visual triggers, words, sounds, sights that I could not face at all.

Even enclosed spaces where I didn't have a problem with prior, became suffocating to me.

I feel like I've only just realised the two types have been co-existing together and trying to merge.

I feel like I kept them separate and the latter was more acceptable because that was more real to me, nobody could take that away from me.

People saw me afterwards and acknowledged. Yes it was catastrophic.

Few people could get past it but I did so that was out in the open somewhat and made it, well forced me to deal with it.

I had people enquiring, I had scars and bruising, internally and externally and everyone wanted to know about it.

I'm not saying I talked much but I was backed into a corner a lot and the thing that still irritates me is that my mama, just went about telling the world, my business.

I don't share a hell of a lot, what the hell makes you think, you can spread gossip???

Plus if someone has been through a huge ordeal, why on earth would you make them talk about it???

Sick, sick people!!

I see so you have essentially, split it into two halves. Acceptable PTSD and unacceptable.

Meaning that the second type was brought about by a specific cause and could not have been hidden, even if you wanted it too.

Plus it was substantiated in a way that cannot be argued with. However the first was covered up and had no proof that could be seen.

You decided that it didn't exist. You swept it under the carpet and thought now that you have escaped it, it's just magically gone, as though it was never there in the first place?

RIght! That is exactly what I did. I was waiting for someone to admit that this was a unhealthy situation but everyone seemed to play the denial game.

I eventually played along also. What choice did I have?

I think we are making progress here. I've never heard you explain it like that before. Do you feel better?

I do actually, thank you. I think it's saying it out loud. That my childhood wasn't standard.

I fooled myself into thinking it was but being threatened with bodily harm isn't stereotypical behaviour.

Even if noone else believes it to be the case and there's never evidence by me just saying it...

That's enough. I have spoken the truth and made it come out of the darkness.

I would not have been so desperate for attention, love and respect, if I had been receiving it at home!

I sought it out from boyfriends, to friends, to acquaintances.....

And barely got it back and if I did, there were so many strings attached to it.

Always conditional, not unconditional.

And now? What is different?

Me. I transformed. I looked deep inside myself and brought the pain out. 

I learned how to express myself.

I learned it was okay not to be perfect.

I learned that it was fine to have conditions, when not getting respect or care in return for my friendship.

I learned I could protect myself and that it wasn't overreacting, it was the way to handle it and not be a wreck.

I learned that I was far from repugnant. In fact I was gentle and kind and sweet and clever and creative and talented.

I learned that despite others low opinions of me. I was likeable.

I learned how to love myself, whether I succeeded or failed.

I learned to try because actually that was fun, realising I did have it in me.

I learned that my body and face were never going to be ideal but I saw the cuteness. I saw the shapliness. 

I saw the beauty.

I learned I didn't need a single soul anymore!

I learned that Music and writing gives me my power back. It fills me with energy and mends me back together so that I'm whole again.

I learned that my pain, helps others. They can connect to me in a way that they cannot with anyone else.

I learned that I can be a writer, blogger and storyteller. I may not be the best or popular but my voice will always be unique, compelling and special and that gives me comfort.

Wow SS. I didn't even need to prompt you much today. Did you realise how much you needed to offload?

I'll always be proud of the journey you continue to forge. It's not easy with many treacherous paths but you're standing tall and holding your own.

Thanks Doc. Actually none of it was coming out. My head was scrambled and it was getting really tough to write anything at all.

But you tend to keep me on track and pull out, what I need to deal with and explore.