#BlogLife1130 - Crazy Self Therapy 11 *Updated*

If you're a new reader, I'll just explain. I'm not in therapy. I don't trust anyone to open up to them.

So for my sanity sake, I pretend to be the Doctor and patient. It's something that works for me..

Hi SS. Welcome.

Hi Doc. I want to explore something. What if I told Mama the truth and she still didn't care?

I don't want to hurt her feelings but it keeps spinning around in my head.

The reason I don't say anything, is if after she heard everything and dismissed it or said she didn't believe me..

I think that would be the final straw, to walk away permanently.

I've just been thinking how peaceful it would be to break that tether and be free.

Don't you think that's extreme? Wouldn't you regret it?

I've gotten to a point where the stress is burying me. I feel stagnant like I'm holding back or waiting for the next disaster..

I can't write. I can't concentrate. I am floating but shackled and my head keeps disappearing underwater.

Let me be the objective one then. What are the pros and cons?

Well, if I told her, that would make me feel heard and less blocked.

On the other hand, she barely listens and is quick to pretend I haven't shared something vital, because it doesn't fit her rationale.

What is your desired outcome?

What am I even expecting??? I think validation. That how I feel matters to her.

I think I want her to take responsibility for her poor decisions. That had a devastating impact on my life.

As an adult. I will take care of my wellbeing, safety and choices.

But as a child, that was not in my control.

It's not something I can get over until she owns up to her part.

Do you wish she would self reflect and not make empty statements without real confessions?

All she says is that she was a bad parent and did the best she could.

On the surface, that is a step but there is never anything added to explain why? Never!

Do you feel it's a cop out?

I actually do. I've let her get away with so much. By saying that, she relinquishes her guilt without personal growth..

That is what ticks me off. I've worked on myself and don't mind admitting my flaws and wrongdoings, why can't she?

How would you do it? In person? Over the phone? In an email or text?

I don't think I could do it in person. Too public. Probably an email or text messages.

What would you say honestly?

Dear Mama,

Only read this while you are free. Not listening to music, not on a phone call, not cooking, not in company.

Thank you.

This is really hard to say, which is why I need your undivided attention.

For the longest time I have questioned our relationship and what I am getting out of it.

I grew up in an unsafe environment, fearing each day for my life.

Being bullied and threatened, while you stood by and did nothing, or not enough to ensure my mental and physical safety.

I hated my life and my body and my personality.

The truth is, my siblings weren't the only bullies. You became one, when you fixated on my weight and personality and compared me to other bullies, who you worshipped!!

You never once made me feel I was good enough as I was.

I was so depressed, so full of self disgust, so trapped, that I tried ending it, over and over, just to get an escape.

I let men I dated say the most vile disgusting things to me, in the hopes that one day, they would care.

I went out, hoping to disappear into the world and never have to come home again.

When I was 17 years old. I was sexually assaulted. I was a virgin and all I wanted was someone to love me and accept me for who I was and who I would become.

A part of me permanently died. I realised I would never ever feel safe again in male company.

That's why I don't date.

You want to know why I didn't tell you? You would blame me, the victim.

I tried so hard to stick up for myself and face the threats of violence but I was too afraid.

You didn't protect me. You blamed me for all they did wrong.

I am 48 years old and I can never be vulnerable around anyone.

I can never let anyone close to me.

I don't trust anyone!

You taught me, who I was, wasn't appealing. I grew up believing I was unlovable.

So why am I telling you all this? Why now? Honestly, I don't know if I want a relationship with you anymore.

You don't listen. You don't respect my boundaries. You talk about them, the cousins, your sons, like they are innocent.

You tell me to get over it. I'm cold hearted. I'm stubborn....

In your eyes, I'm to blame. You see them as misunderstood.

Never once have you seen it from my point of view.

I tell you, not to mention their names or anything about them.

You gleefully praise them and admire them.

That tells me. You don't care about my needs and you sure as hell don't respect me.

Why should I revere and respect you???

Or want to talk or spend time with you?

I've stopped caring about protecting your feelings. I'm looking out for myself.

Don't you dare make anymore promises or statements, you can't keep.

My health is getting worse and worse. The only thing I've wanted is peace of mind.

With you out of my life. I'm that much closer to it.

Goodbye (for now or permanently)

It depends on how you act from now on...

Wow! That was a lot. I wasn't expecting so much brutal honesty.

If it's something you need to do..

It's not for me to say your next steps. Once you send it, there is no going back.

It's brave though, talking to a brick wall..

It might take some time to take it in. You need to be patient.

So I tweaked the ending, told her not to discuss it with anyone and said I need a break from her.

But it's emailed. My phone's off and I need silence.

#BlogLife916 - Crazy Self Therapy 10 - Breaking point reached

Hey Doc....... Guess who? Did you think you saw the last of me? Not bloody likely..

SS is that you? Wasn't our last session in August, I assumed you were cured. Ha just kidding, I got bills to pay. What's new?

Umm I don't know where to begin, I'm always a lil sensitive around my birthday which just passed and normally me and Mama celebrate together..

But this year, she just cast me aside, to let the other sibling come down and ruin the celebrations.

July is normally our month and there was no reason for him to be there, except to disrupt our plans.

I tried to swallow this irritation and say Ok, well it's only postponed a lil, it's not completely cancelled.

Alright SS, sounds like it bothered you more than you let on, why is that?

Because I've lived with my needs always being trampled on, like it's not important and I'm sick of it.

I don't get on with the other family members as they are too violent and scary to deal with.

I don't ask for much but July should have been the time for us. Instead she's like blah blah sure he can come down.

You know what SS? Ummmm come down later instead...

Again I wish for once in my life, she would have fought for me and said No, you travel here in August, let her have July.

She's never picked up for me? Why should it be any different now?

SS What is different about this time?

I don't know actually. The resentment is just growing and I feel like I'm tired of being treated like I don't matter.

I'm trying to finalise the plans to see her and for 2 days she's completely ignoring me.

But it's like when she's ready or needs something, She'll say drop everything cater to me.

On the third day, now, she calls and I stare at the phone, thinking, I'll change earbuds and answer, though I don't want too.

I do pick it up, but it's rung off at this point and I realise, I have no earthly wish to talk to her.

She couldn't be bothered to call on my birthday and arrange things.

I've never successfully confronted her about how she treats me.

She doesn't listen and take it on.

What happened next?

After feeling neglected and like her lowest priority, once again. I don't feel like a daughter, more like an acquaintance at times.

I allowed myself to get angry. Why do I let her get away with treating me like worthless garbage?

I realised that I didn't want to spend time with her and make it okay.

I wanted to stick up for myself so this is what I texted her a while later.... (no reply)..

I don't feel like coming down anymore so if the other twit isn't there for Christmas I'll see you then, if not next year.

That's pretty huge for you. I know you don't like confrontation. Do you regret being harsh and blunt?

I probably should right? But it feels too glorious, to put my needs, my wellbeing first, for this one time.

To show that, Hey, I have feelings, I'm only going to put up with so much and then I'll snap.

I almost feel guilty for not towing the line and accepting this usual mistreatment but then I remember how much her actions damage my self esteem.

It's really not okay for someone to keep on acting the way they harmfully do, without repercussions.

Relationships are very messy indeed. What do you think her response will eventually be?

I personally guarantee, she will sweep it under the carpet and say, OK, no problem, see you at Christmas.

One thing I did do, which I don't usually. I typically avoid the randoms but I was annoyed and sad, so I said to BB/P..

Bit of an overshare. Do you ever get tired of being treated like you're nothing?

And I wasn't expecting a response. I thought he'd be like whoaa stick to the flirting babe.

But he said...

I have definitely felt that way before yes.

So I eventually got a blase response....

No, he's gone anyway. I can always see you for pedi. Talk soon.

Just leaves me with an empty feeling, like talking to a brick wall.

She didn't even read the text properly, I didn't ask if he was still there, I mentioned Christmas time.

*Rolls eyes*

If there's nothing else. Can I just say, I'm proud of your continued progress, recognising your self worth.

Standing up and confronting the family that you feel most afraid off.

You clearly don't want to hurt them but with this continued growth you're recognising soul destroying patterns and saying Hang on, I object to this disrespect.

All I see is a positive difference, you might not see it, but you're getting stronger.

Years ago, you wouldn't have said anything. Today you're vocalising your hurt.

Keep going SS. I want to see more....

#BlogLife671 - Crazy Self Therapy 9 - Me against the family

Doc, thanks for fitting me in, this is a bit of an emergency although I'm not sure I can put it into words.

Listen SS you don't usually force it, let it come out naturally as per usual, alright?

That is just the problem, I have to get it out, as soon as possible, today in fact, the stress and apprehension is too much to cope with, so many stirred emotions.

What exactly happened to get you into this state?

Truth? An ex part of the family said that he was going to plot so much trouble for us that we would appear as law breakers and be thrown in jail, all of us, unless we paid him money, lots and lots of money.

Wow! Could he do that? Why would he do that?

My fear is that he made it convincing and showed us the report and made us think, we were all going to be harrassed so much so, that we would make ourselves crazy or plead with him to stop and send him the blackmailed money.

This is almost unbelievable but then he has been in jail, has been in trouble with the law and is the criminal, that steals from others and abuses them constantly.

How are you coping, what are you going to do? Knowing that you have always tried your best to be someone who believes in treating others fairly and helping them?

I wanted to hold it together and shrug it off. I know that no-one in the family would comply and send him cash.

But I just felt helpless and weak and lost sleep and my appetite thinking any minute now, Cops will knock on the door and cart me off to jail because of him and his evil words.

Fear took over your rational mind, in other words and this is what he was banking on?

Absolutely. I just felt as trapped as I was, growing up with two devils who tarnished my whole world and made it a scary place.

What happened next?

My Mama said she was going to write him this long farewell forever email and block him, pfft, as if she knows how.

I thought, he is loving the attention and power over us. Just say one word GOODBYE! 

And he would lose his mind. I just thought I'm kinda sick and tired of all of them.

She keeps forgiving him and he keeps hurting us and I want to cut them out permanently for own sanity sake.

She called today and I looked at the phone thinking, ugh, I don't want to talk to you but I was curious about any developments.

In the end, I called her back and she said, Oh turns out, he lied and never filed any documents about us and that he wasn't going to torment us until we were all behind bars after all.....

You see now this is the part where I am supposed to be all relieved but to me, it just shows what he can do.

I bet she is already forgiving him and that's what I can't stand!

I angrily spoke my mind and said, Don't mention their names to me, either of them, they are evil, we are good, we make the world a better place and they have no part in it.

They are dead to me!!

She said alright but I know that she won't respect my wishes.

Which is why I am taking a break from her, or at least stepping back.

That is a lot to process so this is why you have felt so low and depressed?

I felt hunted once again as though he was holding a weapon and saying. I can end you anytime I want and there is not a damn thing you can do about it. Ha Ha Ha.

Listen to me SS. Hear me good. I know that you've always been bullied and tortured mentally.

I know that your family tried to stop you from succeeding and being positive and sharing.

But I also know that each day you managed to gather up courage and spread your gift with the world.

You write and open up to show others, some people have imperfect lives and childhoods and families.

Some people feel no-one can relate to them but you show, that you do.

You encourage them and support them the way your family, held you back and didn't.

Cutting ties as a parent is nearly impossible so perhaps you should cut her some slack, although I do know that you can be a fragile person also.

At least you spoke your mind and told her how you feel.

Thanks Doc but I'm still angry because the next time, this crap happens and it will....

I'm going to feel like saying.... Mama you brought this bs on yourself by keeping him in your life, so don't come crying to me about it.

Except I'm too kind to do that so I will keep it to myself but share it on here before I burst.

A part of me wants to protect her feelings and the other part is on the verge of snapping and telling her, like it really is.

But if I did that, I would be just as cruel and heartless as they are and I am nothing like them!

I don't know why she can't accept my truth about how they affected me, my lack of trust, the way I retreated from people.

But everytime I say I want nothing to do with them, she cuts me off and says Yea, Yea, Yea.

I don't think she's brave enough to ask me the question......Why??

As an adult woman of 45 years old I deserve to feel secure and protected from harm.

When am I ever going to be free?

#BlogLife633 - Crazy Self Therapy 8 - Split body personality? 18+

Song of the day - Faouzia/John Legend - Minefields

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P12elIHd2e8&list=WL&index=41

Hey Doc I feel different as though I'm just now awakened or aware of something. 

Maybe it's the same for everyone who has admitted what they've been through in the past and brought it out into the open so it lives and breathes and becomes real.

Instead of hidden and pseudo forgotten as though it happened but it didn't and the weight of it had been dismissed for so long that it held no power until now..

One of the randoms inadvertently addressed it. I get called boring and weird because I don't always flirt back or welcome being touched.

And it always tends to annoy me because aside from that side of the things, I can be amusing or intellectual or interesting but that doesn't seem to matter or get acknowledged.

It's not the same for everyone but during my cycle I may get spicy feelings.

I've read steamy stories because it's not my genre it's easier to follow and not re-write, although these still seem to be targeted at men.

There are no prolonged details or much emotion affixed to them.

I've had very flirty chats and some are romanticised and some are amusing or more realistic than others.

But there is always this split personality quarreling inside or saying I should be solely this side or that.

Let's break them apart, the intellectual, the productive, the responsible one we will call SS.

The more daring, more romantic, more mingly side, we will call Fem.

I can have a smart conversation and my brain feels satisfied and that my time has not been wasted.

But maybe something is missing? The same goes with a light or deeper flirty get together.

I definitely eventually miss my mind being stimulated. That's so strange.

I had a dual interaction which is rare. He wasn't disrespectful, just seemed a bit troubled, D let's call him.

I wouldn't say he was depressed and monopolising the conversation, he seemed very intelligent and kind really.

It was only a short chat but I enjoyed it. He was lightly flirtatious but then so was I.

I don't normally enjoy playing therapist but he was easy to talk too.

I think I helped in a small way and I don't often get those interactions that cater to the brain and the body.

I feel like a pretender, as though I swept everything under the carpet and just told myself I was okay.

Crazy self therapy has definitely helped address these issues that I buried deep inside.

I don't know how much of this to share, a woman's sexuality just seems like a taboo subject still.

I think if you grow up normal and have standard relationships, than it's easy to migrate to a physical and cope with it.

If you're someone like me though, who grew up thinking there was something wrong with myself, who had this constant target on my back, from others telling me I didn't measure up..

To their standard of beauty or intelligence or popularity, it messes with your head and confidence.

I have dreams and fantasies and those are great for fiction, most don't go into story-form but snippets might.

But still the thought of being physical with a man, puts me into a state of panic.

I think I've realised it's not so much nerves, it's definitely fear of being in a situation that I'm not in control of.

That part of me, when I'm not hormonal, feels dead. My body is just shut down and I trace it back to the 17yr old me.

I don't know how to get past it and I'm not sure I want too.

But I'm still a woman and not flirting back, doesn't take that away.

Me, again your ever faithful Doc. I don't always comment on your sessions but for this one I wanted too.

You know this already but I'm going to say it again. You know why they call you dull and uninteresting?

You're strong willed and don't just go with the flow, you speak your mind and some men can't handle that.

They don't want to look internally and fix what might be wrong, so they lash out at you, out of frustration and blame you for their failings.

As for what you went through in your past and still struggle with today, I hate to repeat myself but it is perfectly normal.

People deal with things in their own way, using different methods.

You don't have a supportive network so you didn't get to vent about it, you didn't get to cry it out and be raw and comforted.

You had to keep it hidden and just paper over it and pretend to heal in order to move forwards.

Now you have the time to air it out and it's still going to take time to confront all that has happened.

But I truly believe eventually you will feel better and get to a place where you'll never quite forget it but neither will it have a stranglehold on you as intensely as before.

Keep being brave and talking about all the things you couldn't.

Trust your instincts, always be comfortable and aware of your surroundings and if you have to leave, know that, it's not because you are a coward, it's because you're strong enough to do what's best to not endure more toxicity.

#BlogLife281 - Crazy self therapy 7

Welcome back SS. It's been a while. I'm glad you came and are ready to check in with me. 

What's new? What's been happening? How are you feeling?

Well Doc.. I don't know where to start. I was doing okay, the usual stresses and strains and then it all seemed to fall apart when I had this disagreement.

The annoying thing was it shouldn't have been a big deal but somehow this small issue uncovered other triggers and I fell into some sort of.. crisis.

This is perfectly normal when it pertains to PTSD. One thing can offset others and then it just spirals.

Why do you assume you are dealing with multi layered PTSD though, can't it just be from the single, most recent type of trauma?

No it can't. Now that I am older and can better comprehend a lot more than I could as a child.

It's come to my attention that I was suffering from PTSD before I even knew what that mean't.

The experiences I had as a young girl, this was all instilled in me as nothing out of the ordinary.

The fears, the verbal abuse, the hunts, the being silenced, the disapprovals.

I'm sure I could have handled it better, if it was just one single person was doing it but everyone did it.

That's what is difficult to get my head around.

If one person tells me I'm without value. I can shrug it off but if ten people relay it to me, it sinks in and just takes up residence in my brain.

Hmm I see what you mean and understand you better now. I think at that point your PTSD was underlying.

It didn't present itself until much later because you couldn't comprehend everything that happened to you.

It's only now when you are away from your family and have found your own safe space and your own castle that you have the tools to figure it all out.

This is probably why it is hitting you doubly hard because it was just dormant before and now it's been unearthed and demands attention.

I know you don't want to but have you considered talking to your remaining parent, trying to vocalise just how bad things were or still are?

Doc, Doc, Doc. In some ways, I have. I mean when she tries to coerce me into socialising with them, I stand my ground but to be honest, she doesn't acknowledge the pain, my pain.

If she did, she wouldn't keep offending me by asking me to spend time with them all together, she would realise, wait, hang on, maybe SS doesn't need extra tears on top of the ones she exhibits.

I don't know if she has a mental block to prevent her seeing or hearing just how destructive things actually were but the magnitude is just lost on her completely.

I don't think I could say anything to get through. I have tried and it's like for that second she will understand a fraction and then as soon as the conversation is over...

It feels like I have to explain myself again, as though I'm the one at FAULT!!!!

It shouldn't be like that. I was the suicidal girl. I was the one that didn't want to live and they remain unaffected.

Bravo SS. You don't usually seem candid about wanting to terminate your existence, usually you cover it or side step.

I think it's brave and admirable to come right out and say exactly how you were feeling at those vulnerable times.

Parents do the best they can but sometimes doing nothing is counter productive.

Maybe a part of it is my fault. I was the one that covered up my actions, every time I attempted it.

Maybe if she had realised, things could have turned out differently, but then again, maybe it would have stayed the same, who knows?!

Well it is an interesting concept but you'll never know so I'm not going to dwell on what ifs and I won't allow you to do the same.

Why do you think this particular row was different to the others you surely must have had?

Good question. I reckon it was because I was having fun and I let my guard down, it seemed like a harmless place and I begun to relax.

Then it felt like a sneak attack. When I was defenceless and so that hurt more.

We uneasily made peace but I don't appreciate the excuse he made. We all have things in our past, not just you.

It negated the apology a bit for me. He should have just left it with..

I said things I didn't mean and apologise, hope we can sort it out.

Now I just don't want to be there anymore and it's a pity because I miss the others but I'm not willing to let my walls down again.

Hmm as long as you felt he sincerely mean't the apology, maybe you could try again?

I know that he did. However this isn't the first time he's been insensitive to my feelings and probably won't be the last.

I would rather not put myself in that situation again, knowing how the repercussions come about.

Fair enough. Would it help to differentiate the two types of PTSD?

The childhood one was down to verbal abuse, now these weren't death threats as such but there was a lot of meaning that wasn't indicated behind the words.

It may only have been spoken but I truly was convinced I would eventually be hospitalised or murdered by their hands, from either sibling or by my own.

I think I realised that either I can stick around and try to survive it and make the bits that aren't terrifying into some sort of life for myself.......

Or the alternative option. Take the power away from them and just end my life, on my terms, not theirs.

It was going to happen sooner or later, why not sooner and why not at my discretion??

I did it again and again and again and again. It just didn't produce the desired results and the last time I think I recognised that deep down I did want to survive.

I just needed an outlet. Regarding the recent PTSD which isn't new.

That developed about.. Fifteen years ago and was more pronounced.

I had panic attacks, nightmares, flashbacks. This seemed more physical.

There were visual triggers, words, sounds, sights that I could not face at all.

Even enclosed spaces where I didn't have a problem with prior, became suffocating to me.

I feel like I've only just realised the two types have been co-existing together and trying to merge.

I feel like I kept them separate and the latter was more acceptable because that was more real to me, nobody could take that away from me.

People saw me afterwards and acknowledged. Yes it was catastrophic.

Few people could get past it but I did so that was out in the open somewhat and made it, well forced me to deal with it.

I had people enquiring, I had scars and bruising, internally and externally and everyone wanted to know about it.

I'm not saying I talked much but I was backed into a corner a lot and the thing that still irritates me is that my mama, just went about telling the world, my business.

I don't share a hell of a lot, what the hell makes you think, you can spread gossip???

Plus if someone has been through a huge ordeal, why on earth would you make them talk about it???

Sick, sick people!!

I see so you have essentially, split it into two halves. Acceptable PTSD and unacceptable.

Meaning that the second type was brought about by a specific cause and could not have been hidden, even if you wanted it too.

Plus it was substantiated in a way that cannot be argued with. However the first was covered up and had no proof that could be seen.

You decided that it didn't exist. You swept it under the carpet and thought now that you have escaped it, it's just magically gone, as though it was never there in the first place?

RIght! That is exactly what I did. I was waiting for someone to admit that this was a unhealthy situation but everyone seemed to play the denial game.

I eventually played along also. What choice did I have?

I think we are making progress here. I've never heard you explain it like that before. Do you feel better?

I do actually, thank you. I think it's saying it out loud. That my childhood wasn't standard.

I fooled myself into thinking it was but being threatened with bodily harm isn't stereotypical behaviour.

Even if noone else believes it to be the case and there's never evidence by me just saying it...

That's enough. I have spoken the truth and made it come out of the darkness.

I would not have been so desperate for attention, love and respect, if I had been receiving it at home!

I sought it out from boyfriends, to friends, to acquaintances.....

And barely got it back and if I did, there were so many strings attached to it.

Always conditional, not unconditional.

And now? What is different?

Me. I transformed. I looked deep inside myself and brought the pain out. 

I learned how to express myself.

I learned it was okay not to be perfect.

I learned that it was fine to have conditions, when not getting respect or care in return for my friendship.

I learned I could protect myself and that it wasn't overreacting, it was the way to handle it and not be a wreck.

I learned that I was far from repugnant. In fact I was gentle and kind and sweet and clever and creative and talented.

I learned that despite others low opinions of me. I was likeable.

I learned how to love myself, whether I succeeded or failed.

I learned to try because actually that was fun, realising I did have it in me.

I learned that my body and face were never going to be ideal but I saw the cuteness. I saw the shapliness. 

I saw the beauty.

I learned I didn't need a single soul anymore!

I learned that Music and writing gives me my power back. It fills me with energy and mends me back together so that I'm whole again.

I learned that my pain, helps others. They can connect to me in a way that they cannot with anyone else.

I learned that I can be a writer, blogger and storyteller. I may not be the best or popular but my voice will always be unique, compelling and special and that gives me comfort.

Wow SS. I didn't even need to prompt you much today. Did you realise how much you needed to offload?

I'll always be proud of the journey you continue to forge. It's not easy with many treacherous paths but you're standing tall and holding your own.

Thanks Doc. Actually none of it was coming out. My head was scrambled and it was getting really tough to write anything at all.

But you tend to keep me on track and pull out, what I need to deal with and explore.

#BlogLife190 - Be someone else (crazy self therapy 6)

I'm lounging here finally realising that as well as plugging in the electric blankie, I need to switch it on too.

I am finally de-thawing as it is heating up and wearing two blankets helps, one heated, one non, are better than none.

I'm trying to wrap up the foodie short story I was hoping to have concluded before Christmas but my brain is spiralling.

This was the wrong time to buy cold breakfasty stuff like yoghurt. I'm not quite back to having a bit appetite. Just nibbling bits and pieces.

Currently that oaty nutty cereal. Anyway my mind is just randomly connecting thoughts and I realised that my confidence identity crisis has stemmed from people wanting me to be someone else.

Hardly anyone has ever said and mean't it or acted like they wanted me to be myself and stay that way.

It was always, act like your cousins, act like your friends, act like your siblings.

I think that is why I punish myself and am self critical. Noone else was accepting me so I figured. Hey I must be a bad person and must need to alter myself to be normal.

People around me continue to treat me the same, as though I am a burden and easily dismissable.

Pretty impossible not to take that personally and think, meh it's just them, that is their opinion.

I just wanted a piece of someone's time, never all of it. Yet people talk over me and are "busy."

Yet they have sufficient spots for other people. I have had multiple types of friendships.

1. Timewasters - Some purposefully seek me out and then drag the conversation down 24-7 or lie continuously for no reason.

2. Control freaks - I want to go here, I want to do that. I want to call the shots. I dictate the topics.

3. Apathetic - A one way friendship. They don't want to communicate but expect me to be warm and fuzzy while I'm chasing them trying to maintain this nonexistent relationship.

4. Spiteful - Whether knowingly or unknowingly. They have made a lifetime habit of lil digs at me. Hmm clutzy much? Wait a good looking guy, fancies you??????

5. Good at first, then fizzles - These were more wholesome. It was more equal. At first we both made the effort and put time into it and then it was just me and my patience only lasts so long before I figure.......

What the hell is the point??

I'm trying to keep going and embrace all the odd parts of me and I say odd affectionately because being quirky is part of me.

I'm not trying to be perfect and be like everyone else. I'm carving my own path forwards and stumbling and getting back on my feet.

It would be nice if one of my stories or posts could be the one that get's me more noticed or more engagements but I'm not after notoriety.

I think it would just be satisfying to write something that could reach people in a way that is unique to me.

I like all my fiction but the latest one on the blog at least, not on wattpad is my favourite one to date.

I just don't know how to bring it all together and then end it. I'm really trying to keep them short and fun but I want to develop it a lil bit so there is a bit of substance there.

I'm on chapter 15 of Lethal Curves Ahead and I can't wait to skip ahead to other storylines I have in my head.

I'm just trying to create some sort of love triangle, as per usual. You know me, I hate where there is only a solo hero. There always needs to be two candidates to make it less predictable.

The last time I published a chapter was November. Eeek, that's bad right??!!

At least I managed to finish it yesterday. I don't feel so clouded anymore, even with this freezing cold weather.

It's just past 9am and I hope the repair guy turns up soon. Would be nice if it is the same one I am used to dealing with but we shall see.

I'm hoping it is just the usual problem and not anything more serious. He already mentioned a backlog for spare parts which has me panicking slightly.

This week was difficult to get through as it is. I wish I could walk around in the furry fleecey heated blankie but I would probably trip over the plug :D

I hope you all have a fun, chilled or action packed weekend, depending on your interests.

I'll see you back, hopefully Monday :)

#BlogLife106 - Crazy Self Therapy 5

Hey Doc, I'm back. It's been a few months and it's the same up and downess it always is but I'm just tired of it. I feel like my back is up and I am once more cautious.

It just seems like the danger comes from people I know rather than strangers. I should be able to trust and rely on them but I cannot.

I am so sick and tired of building my self esteem up, only for someone to come and walk all over me again as though I am nothing in their eyes!

It's like I stand up straight and puff out my chest and finally start feeling good about myself and my accomplishments and someone just points at me and sneers..

Or worse still they treat me as though I don't matter and are not worth their time. I am struggling once more to feel happy about myself.

Every single time I encourage myself to open up and give a piece of me away, it's just treated with contempt.

What on earth is the point of trying to connect or trusting someone or trying at all when I get the same feedback??

I need to regroup and strengthen my high walls again because I am at the point where I believe them again.

What if they are right about me?

What if it really is better that I don't communicate?

What if I am a nobody?

What if my words, insights, feelings and thoughts are inconsequential and are not worth caring about?

Alright you shared a lot today and that was commendable but here is my take on it. I understand why you are feeling this way.

We have been through a long tough road together and the different pitfalls of all your combined family/friends/romantic relationships haven't always been healthy..

However I still maintain we have made significant progress on that front. There have been times, where you have made the effort and it has paid off.

Do what you need to get back to feeling worthwhile but in the meantime, just think carefully before you burn all of your bridges.

Either way I am on your side and will support any decision you make. It is acceptable to cry. Everyone is devalued at times and it is part of life to feel lost and alone.

Although nobody has the right to make you feel that way! Before we end this session, you are going to list your highlights in front of me.

1. Composed a book all by myself and then completed it.

2. Had a dream and book 2 was born and I am writing it out.

3. Started volunteering and I reach people that at times, others do not.

4. Experimented with a lot of platforms until I found a home on Blogger.

5. Learned to cut and style my own hair.

6. Took a chance and let others in and made friends/acquaintances.

7. Transitioned into a healthier state by becoming a teetotalist. Avoiding excess salt/sugar and trying out more vegan/vegetarian alternatives.

8. Removed toxic/wishy-washy people from my life.

9. Winning fabulous prizes in competitions ranging from Money/Giftcards/Mobiles/Premiere Tickets/Hampers.

10. Saving a fortune by bargain hunting, negotiating and product testing high quality items that I get to keep and benefit from using.

11. Prioritising my safety by avoiding physical/emotional situations that involve bullies and danger.

12. Surviving everything that I have been through and continue to battle. PTSD, health, confidence crisis, verbal attacks, belittling and being ignored.

You're right Doc, I feel a whole lot better! I am a somebody and although I may not be conventionally normal. I am a smart, tough cookie who can make it through anything!

:)

Crazy self therapy 4

I lay out on the bed with my legs resting against the wall in front of me. My hair spills out over my shoulders. My mind is racing. 

Who says I need to be happy all the time or that I have to be something that I am not?

Let's have a chat, just me and you, totally confidential. What is new with you?

Stress but that is nothing new for me. It has been an awful week. My whole body locked up and every action was painful. I decided to take time out from everything and look after myself.

I'm trying go to bed earlier even though, I hate sleeping. Each time I have to shuffle forwards and backwards constantly and adjust to get into a position that isn't causing me pain.

The shiatsu massager, didn't help like it usually does but each day seems to get a lil easier. 

I sleep with headphones on every night. I never used to but now I try and block out all the thoughts and sounds that make me nervous.

That's why I purchase them so often because they snap and break. There is a morning trigger which I avoid because it turns my insides out.

I don't think it's being in the dark that scares me. It's the nightmares. It just brings me back to being a wreck. This feeling of helplessness washes over me and I can't shake it.

More bad dreams abound as the tension keeps piling up.This entire weekend I have been trying to unwind and relax and I keep getting pulled into things.

Today ugh. Why does my mama keep telling me things she know's will irritate the hell out of me? It truly messes with my head for ages.

Her son, that I barely tolerate just flatly informed her last night, he applied for a position, disclosed his criminal record and the potential employer said oh well fiddle dee dee.

We don't want your bank details, no no no. We will take your mama's instead! That seems totally screwed up. Red flags everywhere.

Sometimes I want to wash my hands of them all. She constantly lets him get away with murder and does **** all about it and complains to me.

You know what, mama dearest. Do something about it for once. I used to take the blame for all his bad behaviour. Actually, no, scrap that.

You used to blame me for his abhorrent ways. He took drugs, my fault, he ran up debts in your name, my fault. He used your credit cards, my fault.

He keeps doing the same selfish crap, over and over and still she says nothing!!!! Today I hate them all. I am not the parent or the sister.

I got my own disasters to deal with. Ffs!! Not a damn thing ever changes, except she has stopped blaming me for it. Hello?!!

Earth to mama, I never stole from you. I never did drugs. I never threatened you. I was never close to attacking you. I never got in trouble with the police.

All my life I've been hearing about his colossal messes. I am so sick of it. She's going to the bank and will sort it out from there but crikey, put your bloody foot down.

She would rather just stress about it and then pass it on to me. Ugh! I really don't need this. I am just trying to exist in my safe lil bubble.

I got thinking last night about another reason I no longer take painkillers. When I had them in ready supply, they weren't all that effective.

I knew that I would need stronger and more toxic prescriptions and didn't want that. I wondered about my low points and how I had grabbed them and thought I could cure all my problems in one go...

Is that one of the reasons I no longer have them in my home? SInce I moved here. The only thing I did was stop eating. I managed to resume with the help of a friend, who wasn't really a friend.

It's funny how certain people are convenient when they want to be and then turn on you, when you feel vulnerable and frightened.

I used him as a crutch. He was a good listener. I will give him that, when noone else was but he was a compulsive liar and an emotional manipulator.

I lost all respect for him when I found out what a chicken he was. I have my faults but I'm brave and honest. I cut him out of my life and never looked back.

A lot of things can't be changed so I will just carry on and do my part. I will continue blogging, listening to asmr and try and get more sleep.

Now for the positive. I've been accepted into a new trial for eye drops from Bzz. They seem to go, in and out of business regularly but if it actually arrives then great.

The Mistplay application is going really well. It seems monthly I will be receiving Amazon vouchers and a few of the games have autoplay which is handy.

I got my second one with no issues, the day after I claimed it. I got the spare set of headphones, pillowcases and my essential oils the next day after I ordered them.

Very efficient for free postage. Amazon offered me Prime for a week but as I wouldn't be making any more large orders for a while, I skipped it.

I spotted a Refinery lip balm from Aromatherapy Associates for £2.50 so I bought it but I don't know if it will help with the chapping.

I am just trying out different brands to find something effective. I should probably pay more but if I do and it doesn't work, it will bug me so much that I wasted money on it.

Tears of a clowner (Crazy self therapy 3)

The day started off well. I realised I had 4200 points in my Mistplay account and could use that to get my second £10 Amazon giftcard.

It goes through a process where it checks it out and then you get approved or denied. I switch between two phones and set one to charge and use the other.

I was playing on three but my Honor phone cannot handle the games so I ceased. 

I know my head is screwed up when I put my melancholy playlist on and feel the music. My family relationships are so messed up.

Someone was asking me some personal questions and I started bawling my eyes out. I wish for embarrassment sake that I could say it was tiny short weeping but it wasn't.

These were heavy emotional tears. I tell myself to grow up, get over it, let it not affect me but the truth is, it was a massive part of my life and it all culminated together.

I was dealing with diagnosis after diagnosis. I was trying to cope with being a teenager and socialising and doing other things normal kids do.

I was failing at letting the verbal abuse and threats from my family wash over me. Those words and actions cut me deeply. 

I should have been carefree and enjoying life but there was so much misery to contend with.

I was a sick girl looking after a sick family member and still I could do no right.

How was I supposed to deal with being told to keep constantly quiet? 

I wanted to scream, somebody hear me. Listen to my pain. Somebody please save me from this hellish life.

How was I going to cope with being told I was untrustworthy?

How dare you accuse me of that. I am the good daughter. I don't lie or steal like they do. I have done nothing but take your abuse and cruelty and still I tried to keep you company and care for you.

Why do you relish picking on me??

How on earth do I live each day with chronic pain, PTSD, nightmares, panic attacks and emotional scars?

The reality of my situation is, I hate closing my eyes and falling asleep. I stay up for as late as I can bear it to avoid being haunted.

I woke up abruptly this morning after having a nightmare and it shook me. I couldn't close my eyes after that, I was too afraid.

I don't know how I manage to get out of bed each day but I do.

How do I function out in the world as a sick person?

People are pushing me to go out daily and be normal. Tell me how the hell to do that? I walk and there is pain. 

I use my hands and there is pain. I bend and there is pain. I stand and there is pain and I sit and guess what? Incredible pain.

Have I tried seeing my GP?

The first thing I do is retell them for the hundredth time what happened to me and after talking, reliving and being back in that shattering head space..

I break down and get told there is nothing that they could for me because I am obviously exaggerating and medically I am healed.

Oh and I should lose weight. Oh and I should go back on antidepressants and painkillers and pop pills for the rest of my life.

No sodding help whatsoever, so no I haven't bothered with them for decades and I did my own research and helped my damn self.

I found out about hot/cold gel packs. I found out about healing binaural beats on Youtube. I discovered the shiatsu cushion massagers.

I was the one that discovered blogging as an outlet. I don't want to pop pills and be an addict, like them. I am my own support system.

I hate feeling stuck because these things happened way back when but it shaped me. 

I remember everything and each time it transports me back to the scared girl I was who battled each day for survival.

It was endless and I couldn't see how it would get better, The thought of dying brought me so much comfort. How was that the norm???

I stopped eating. I overdosed. I collapsed over and over. I kept hitting my head and yet I lived. 

What a colossal joke that instead of getting better, suddenly there were new injuries and now lifelong physical and emotional aches.

I wanted to wrap this post up in a positive way but I can't. Today is a bad day and tomorrow may improve but not by much.

Crazy self therapy follow up

Welcome back.

Make yourself comfortable. Shall we continue from where we left off or start afresh? 

Sighs. I am not doing so good. Honestly, I promise I am trying to stay motivated and get my blog up and running but I keep getting stuck and I don't know what to do. This burden is suffocating me.

What have you tried so far? 

Ok I followed some tutorials about FeedBurner and did everything I could to re-establish it and I seemed to be making more progress than before. Only when it came to actually delivering the email update......There was none :(

How did that make you feel? 

I feel so guilty and useless for letting everyone down, including myself. I should know how to do this. I've been blogging for years but I don't.

What are you going to do now? 

I feel like giving up but I'm not going to. I signed up with *Nourish* but I just felt out of my depth. I have just asked them to terminate my account.

I've also signed up with *Follow It* but I am stuck at the part where I have to *claim my feed and add a meta tag to my website* 

After scouring the internet for clues. I think I'm supposed to click on Layout, Theme and Edit HTML. Then find Header.php and add it there. Only I don't see it with these weak eyes of mine, so I contacted support and am waiting for clearer directions.

Do you feel better about being proactive? 

No. I don't.

Why? 

I still have questions. What am I supposed to put in the *Post feed redirect URL*

Did I make the right choice choosing *Follow It* for my needs?

Why did they advertise as saying immediate updates when you publish a new post and then have a time to send out daily emails?

Why when I did a test and subscribed myself, then selected *Headlines only* have they gone ahead and been emailing me a few posts in their entirety?

What if their customer service sucks?

What if I was too hasty and *Nourish* was a superior selection? 

Should I just have found a simple alternative to Bloglovin?

Wow! To be honest I was expecting a shorter answer. You really are overthinking this. Take a breath. Have some patience. Let them get back to you and see what they say.

What can your intrigued readers do in the meantime to stay updated on your progress?

The one constant I have is *Twitter* @SleeplessScrib1. I post updates and mini rambles on there. I shall be updating Facebook periodically. Even if it is just a pseudonym. (https://www.facebook.com/shiza.sabra.3).

Anything else?

The stress is giving me backache.

Don't you feel better now that you have released all that tension?

Would you please stop fishing for compliments. It's creepy. I'll only truly feel better when it's all fixed and I can finally say "Subscribe. I promise it's for real this time."

You know what I think? I reckon the old you would have given up by now and just taken the hit but because you keeping getting stronger with each challenge that comes your way, you persist and try your best to find a resolution.

I'm not only pleased with your efforts. I'm proud of you. You're opening up more. Reaching out and tackling obstacles. 

I know this is all a constant struggle and that at times you want to runaway and hide from it and it's healthy to take a break and a breath but keep conquering your fears one by one.

I believe in you and you can achieve your dreams and get the recognition you deserve.

Damn, alright that did it. Pass me the blooming tissues.. *sniffles*

 

 

Crazy self therapy

Hello. Welcome. Get cosy and brace yourself because this is going to be dark and deep. Help yourself to cookies, tissues and cushions.

How are you?

At the moment I feel sad.

Why?

My hormones are raging. I'm listening to sad songs and I'm reliving a lot of painful memories and realising that I never got to express how I was coping or not coping during those low points.

Why didn't you?

I think my parents themselves weren't in touch with their own emotions. I was always taught to be respectful and turn the other cheek, even though I myself was not afforded the very same curtesy. 

How did that make you feel?

Frustrated, angry, resentful and incapable of any expression.

What happened?

My emotions swirled together and merged to form darkness and depression.

And then?

I found myself withdrawing from people around me. Unable to healthily express what I felt inside. I was always angry and full of sorrow with no outlet and the few people that coaxed me into opening up..

Rejected me. They neither made the time or effort to follow up or understand my pain.

What did you do next?

I was drowning in a sea of emotions and couldn't take it anymore. The final straw was when my brother barged into my room demanding the phone. My mum had told me to hide it in my room. 

He was high on drugs and threatened me if I didn't give it to him. I'm the older sister and yet I was so damn weak. 

I'm taunted by the shame of complying to his wishes and not standing up for myself as his tone changed dangerously and his manner was increasingly psychotic. 

I gave in pretty quickly, handed the phone over, closed my door. Barricaded the bed against the door, cried all night and made the decision to end my nightmare of a life.

Did anyone realise?

No. I didn't leave any trace. I was holed up in my room. Craving an escape and to be invisible. It didn't take and I felt even more pathetic that I couldn't even do that right. Failed once again.

Go on..

In the morning my mother called and the derision in my brothers voice made me feel even lower and more afraid. I didn't want to open the door but my mum insisted she speak to me and could hear in my tone which I tried to mask that I was not ok. 

I wish she/they had kicked them both out but instead when the police raided our home, she stalled and let him flush the drugs away. Covered and protected him, when I needed protection.

Why couldn't I have been liked enough to be shielded against the verbal abuse I faced every day? Being told that I was stupid, fat and to shut up. 

If only the verbal abuse was limited to my siblings, but my parents, cousins and friends hopped on the bandwagon too.

How did the healing begin?

The turning point in my life started from a course I took about counselling. I was always the listener and never the talker so I figured this would suit me.

Although I never wanted to see a therapist myself because it would entail going at their pace, breaking me down and rebuilding me. 

The issue is if I ever broke down fully. I would never recover. I was on a precious tightrope as it was. Barely surviving each day.

At first I stayed quiet and observed everyone else. It was a small friendly group, all supportive and nurturing and it eventually gave me the courage to participate. 

I was again expecting a backlash or indifference but instead I was welcomed and supported. Even prodded to give more of myself.

How did that make you feel?

For the first time in my life, I felt like I could breathe. I started to learn about the tools in self expression and how to utilize them in my life.

What was the first thing you did?

Positive affirmations became a part of my daily routine. I rolled my eyes. Refused to do it in front of a mirror. Became very sceptical but my brain started turning negativity into positive thoughts.

I started to tackle my issues one by one and forgave myself when I couldn't manage it at that time. In a short time frame it became second nature and I wasn't merely just saying it. I believed it.

I began to like and accept myself.

What was the result?

I cut out all the toxic people in my life that I could and aside from my family began standing up for myself and realising that I didn't have to resort to anger, revenge or bitterness. I could simply distance myself and walk away.

Anything else?

Part of me wishes I had the courage to confront the family members who tortured my fragile ego. 

Why didn't you?

Fear and I finally realised that nothing they could say could justify the bullying and verbal abuse I suffered through. A few of them had matured and grown.

The rest I suspected would never acknowledge their part in my brokenness. I knew that I had to heal myself and work on being vocal, trusting people and being kind to myself.

Thanks for sharing all that with me. You have grown up a lot from the frightened girl you used to be. Keep expressing yourself and forgive yourself for what you perceive as weakness. 

You battled and survived it and that is something to be proud of. The pain you face isn't going anywhere so work to understand it. If you ever need to talk, my door is always open. 

Take care.