#BlogLife341 - Dodging deaths call

I've been wondering why yesterday has been plaguing me so much. I think it's because I cheated death again.

It's brought it all back and I can recall all the conversations, exactly how I felt, all the life being drained out of me slowly.

I recall the policewoman asking me how I was and me slipping in and out of consciousness saying I'm scared.

The male cop nervously or shockingly laughing exclaiming we all thought you died!

I switched from bouts of, I'm ready to go, to I want to live. Yesterday I felt the same sense of helplessness and fear.

I just kept pondering, how am I going to get home, where it's safe, when I'm stuck?

I was in so much pain and there was so much danger all around me.

I just kept swearing and telling myself to rest, stop, take a deep breath and carry on, not far now, it's ok, you're doing great.

I mean midway I was taking baby steps and stopping. I was holding on to the walls, poles, fences, anything to steady myself.

I felt dizzy, I felt the discomfort of being upright for so long and my body was locking up and home seemed to be so far away.

A strange thing that happened when I was finally at the bus stop was a van honked at me, this guy waved and smiled.

I didn't recognise him, so as usual I just looked at him and he drove off. If it was someone I knew I would have begged for a lift home.

I have no idea if it was a stranger or somebody from my past. I did look lovely. 

I tried on the second new top, it was one of those built in jackety 2 in 1 tops, thinnish but it all seemed kinda fitted and loose near the middle.

These tops were made for me, stylish and pretty and just suited me so well. I just wish the other colours were in stock.

Anyway I think it was the control freak side of me that was in distress. I just could not get my bearings and there were so many obstacles that I lost it completely.

Oh to give you some context, the journey takes anywhere from 10-15mins so bear that in mind, when I say it took me 1 hour and 30 minutes to travel home!!!

I passed my breaking point. Had a fit of tears because it was a situation I could not tackle and that just made me panic and think, am I going to make it this time??

#BlogLife340 - Death becomes me

I really didn't want to blog today, I knew I would be exhausted from going out twice this week.

The pain and exhaustion lock in place until the next outing but I had to be somewhere and the morning got away from me, decided to experiment with the hair, half up, half down.

It looked cute, even if it's uneven at the back. I didn't have time for full makeup so just did some lipgloss.

Nobody knew anything but the bus stopped once and said, hop on the other one and that one stopped a bit later and said the roads closed, everyone exit.

What the hell was the point? Just say up ahead has been barricaded both the footpath and the road.

I think the bus station was closed as cars whizzed by normally but buses halted.

Still I was determined, I like to keep appointments and I was halfway and then the road I needed to take was sealed off.

The sun was draining me of energy, I forgot to program in the phone number and I thought to myself, if you know, the area is blocked, why the hell wouldn't you call, text or email, to say...

Stay home, there is very lil access here, we will reschedule. But nooooo, there was nothing at all.

So in the end I had to turn back and saw half the bus stops were closed and there were roadworks blocking me again.

The man made traffic lights weren't working and I tried to cross and this car came out of nowhere and almost got me.

I had a major panic attack because I couldn't cross the road and I had to, to get the bus.

I just burst into tears because I was so scared and there wasn't anything I could do about it.

I was just worrying and people just walked by and completely ignored me, whatever, people are sick in this world.

It took me about 10 minutes to cross, I swear I had to wait until there was a family there and go with them because I was shaking.

I got home and found an indirect message.......Oh by the way, meeting cancelled.

Bastards!! You gotta excuse my language in here and on twitter but I need to vent and heal up.

I just ordered a pizza, chicken, olives and green peppers and some wings, plus chocolate fudge cake.

It will last me 2/3 days. I'm not even sure I am hungry, just trying to drink a lot and replenish the lost fluids.

Luckily I don't have to go anywhere for a week hopefully. I gotta clear my bed, so much, makeup, clothes and beauty supplies.

May your weekend be full of laughter and not tears. I'll see you Monday hopefully........I need tlc.

#BlogLife287 - PTSD button pushers

At certain times I do feel invincible like nothing can faze me and I can take on anything. I'm in my merry lil world and everything is perfect.

I think mostly though there are invisible cracks in my shield and it doesn't take much for me to feel pushed into a corner, fighting to breathe and feel steady on my feet.

I had an instance today that was fully recognisable. It feels like this acquaintance set out to goad me and act superior, not really that nice, especially when they came to me for insights.

I'm trying to remain calm and not turn bitter at their rudeness. What makes it more irritating is that they are seemingly arrogant.

Meaning, to themselves they are full of bravado and self belief but if they truly were, they wouldn't be talking down to people. 

They don't even realise they are being immensely disrespectful by dictating questions I should be making enquiries about and asking me all manner of inappropriateness at the same time.

My head is ready to explode but I take a deep breath and assert myself. I courageously tell them that I'm happy to try and help them but first they have to value what I am trying to say..

Which is I'm uncomfortable with your grilling and can we change the subject? Also if you are going to continue ignoring my wishes, then you can find someone else to converse with.

Pro tip for anyone that is seeking sympathy......... Do not rile up your audience that is willing to be there for you.

Don't act above them and say, If I were you I would ascertain this firstly and would you please calm down and do as I'm instructing you..........

Big, huge mistake!! That will get you nowhere! Three strikes and you are out. I just clearly stated that I was sorry but I couldn't stick around for it.

What made it worse was the lack of self awareness and then being told that they are just like me and as such I should know how better to read people!!!

Arghhhhhh! Purlease. You have no idea what I'm capable of and unlike you, I can see things objectively. I know when someone is being polite or when they are being rude.

I hate to say it but yes I am better than you because I don't treat people like crap, I lift them up and renew them.

This just triggers the part of me that says SS, you're completely unworthy of attention. Why should I listen to you? There's no intelligent interpretations to gather from you.

Every single day I have to just cast aside these horrible nagging doubts and come through the other side feeling capable and tough.

Even though this confrontation was still difficult, I managed to deal with it correctly and take myself out of it. I still feel a lil guilty I can't fix their personality....

But I'm only human, I can't assist everybody........

#BlogLife281 - Crazy self therapy 7

Welcome back SS. It's been a while. I'm glad you came and are ready to check in with me. 

What's new? What's been happening? How are you feeling?

Well Doc.. I don't know where to start. I was doing okay, the usual stresses and strains and then it all seemed to fall apart when I had this disagreement.

The annoying thing was it shouldn't have been a big deal but somehow this small issue uncovered other triggers and I fell into some sort of.. crisis.

This is perfectly normal when it pertains to PTSD. One thing can offset others and then it just spirals.

Why do you assume you are dealing with multi layered PTSD though, can't it just be from the single, most recent type of trauma?

No it can't. Now that I am older and can better comprehend a lot more than I could as a child.

It's come to my attention that I was suffering from PTSD before I even knew what that mean't.

The experiences I had as a young girl, this was all instilled in me as nothing out of the ordinary.

The fears, the verbal abuse, the hunts, the being silenced, the disapprovals.

I'm sure I could have handled it better, if it was just one single person was doing it but everyone did it.

That's what is difficult to get my head around.

If one person tells me I'm without value. I can shrug it off but if ten people relay it to me, it sinks in and just takes up residence in my brain.

Hmm I see what you mean and understand you better now. I think at that point your PTSD was underlying.

It didn't present itself until much later because you couldn't comprehend everything that happened to you.

It's only now when you are away from your family and have found your own safe space and your own castle that you have the tools to figure it all out.

This is probably why it is hitting you doubly hard because it was just dormant before and now it's been unearthed and demands attention.

I know you don't want to but have you considered talking to your remaining parent, trying to vocalise just how bad things were or still are?

Doc, Doc, Doc. In some ways, I have. I mean when she tries to coerce me into socialising with them, I stand my ground but to be honest, she doesn't acknowledge the pain, my pain.

If she did, she wouldn't keep offending me by asking me to spend time with them all together, she would realise, wait, hang on, maybe SS doesn't need extra tears on top of the ones she exhibits.

I don't know if she has a mental block to prevent her seeing or hearing just how destructive things actually were but the magnitude is just lost on her completely.

I don't think I could say anything to get through. I have tried and it's like for that second she will understand a fraction and then as soon as the conversation is over...

It feels like I have to explain myself again, as though I'm the one at FAULT!!!!

It shouldn't be like that. I was the suicidal girl. I was the one that didn't want to live and they remain unaffected.

Bravo SS. You don't usually seem candid about wanting to terminate your existence, usually you cover it or side step.

I think it's brave and admirable to come right out and say exactly how you were feeling at those vulnerable times.

Parents do the best they can but sometimes doing nothing is counter productive.

Maybe a part of it is my fault. I was the one that covered up my actions, every time I attempted it.

Maybe if she had realised, things could have turned out differently, but then again, maybe it would have stayed the same, who knows?!

Well it is an interesting concept but you'll never know so I'm not going to dwell on what ifs and I won't allow you to do the same.

Why do you think this particular row was different to the others you surely must have had?

Good question. I reckon it was because I was having fun and I let my guard down, it seemed like a harmless place and I begun to relax.

Then it felt like a sneak attack. When I was defenceless and so that hurt more.

We uneasily made peace but I don't appreciate the excuse he made. We all have things in our past, not just you.

It negated the apology a bit for me. He should have just left it with..

I said things I didn't mean and apologise, hope we can sort it out.

Now I just don't want to be there anymore and it's a pity because I miss the others but I'm not willing to let my walls down again.

Hmm as long as you felt he sincerely mean't the apology, maybe you could try again?

I know that he did. However this isn't the first time he's been insensitive to my feelings and probably won't be the last.

I would rather not put myself in that situation again, knowing how the repercussions come about.

Fair enough. Would it help to differentiate the two types of PTSD?

The childhood one was down to verbal abuse, now these weren't death threats as such but there was a lot of meaning that wasn't indicated behind the words.

It may only have been spoken but I truly was convinced I would eventually be hospitalised or murdered by their hands, from either sibling or by my own.

I think I realised that either I can stick around and try to survive it and make the bits that aren't terrifying into some sort of life for myself.......

Or the alternative option. Take the power away from them and just end my life, on my terms, not theirs.

It was going to happen sooner or later, why not sooner and why not at my discretion??

I did it again and again and again and again. It just didn't produce the desired results and the last time I think I recognised that deep down I did want to survive.

I just needed an outlet. Regarding the recent PTSD which isn't new.

That developed about.. Fifteen years ago and was more pronounced.

I had panic attacks, nightmares, flashbacks. This seemed more physical.

There were visual triggers, words, sounds, sights that I could not face at all.

Even enclosed spaces where I didn't have a problem with prior, became suffocating to me.

I feel like I've only just realised the two types have been co-existing together and trying to merge.

I feel like I kept them separate and the latter was more acceptable because that was more real to me, nobody could take that away from me.

People saw me afterwards and acknowledged. Yes it was catastrophic.

Few people could get past it but I did so that was out in the open somewhat and made it, well forced me to deal with it.

I had people enquiring, I had scars and bruising, internally and externally and everyone wanted to know about it.

I'm not saying I talked much but I was backed into a corner a lot and the thing that still irritates me is that my mama, just went about telling the world, my business.

I don't share a hell of a lot, what the hell makes you think, you can spread gossip???

Plus if someone has been through a huge ordeal, why on earth would you make them talk about it???

Sick, sick people!!

I see so you have essentially, split it into two halves. Acceptable PTSD and unacceptable.

Meaning that the second type was brought about by a specific cause and could not have been hidden, even if you wanted it too.

Plus it was substantiated in a way that cannot be argued with. However the first was covered up and had no proof that could be seen.

You decided that it didn't exist. You swept it under the carpet and thought now that you have escaped it, it's just magically gone, as though it was never there in the first place?

RIght! That is exactly what I did. I was waiting for someone to admit that this was a unhealthy situation but everyone seemed to play the denial game.

I eventually played along also. What choice did I have?

I think we are making progress here. I've never heard you explain it like that before. Do you feel better?

I do actually, thank you. I think it's saying it out loud. That my childhood wasn't standard.

I fooled myself into thinking it was but being threatened with bodily harm isn't stereotypical behaviour.

Even if noone else believes it to be the case and there's never evidence by me just saying it...

That's enough. I have spoken the truth and made it come out of the darkness.

I would not have been so desperate for attention, love and respect, if I had been receiving it at home!

I sought it out from boyfriends, to friends, to acquaintances.....

And barely got it back and if I did, there were so many strings attached to it.

Always conditional, not unconditional.

And now? What is different?

Me. I transformed. I looked deep inside myself and brought the pain out. 

I learned how to express myself.

I learned it was okay not to be perfect.

I learned that it was fine to have conditions, when not getting respect or care in return for my friendship.

I learned I could protect myself and that it wasn't overreacting, it was the way to handle it and not be a wreck.

I learned that I was far from repugnant. In fact I was gentle and kind and sweet and clever and creative and talented.

I learned that despite others low opinions of me. I was likeable.

I learned how to love myself, whether I succeeded or failed.

I learned to try because actually that was fun, realising I did have it in me.

I learned that my body and face were never going to be ideal but I saw the cuteness. I saw the shapliness. 

I saw the beauty.

I learned I didn't need a single soul anymore!

I learned that Music and writing gives me my power back. It fills me with energy and mends me back together so that I'm whole again.

I learned that my pain, helps others. They can connect to me in a way that they cannot with anyone else.

I learned that I can be a writer, blogger and storyteller. I may not be the best or popular but my voice will always be unique, compelling and special and that gives me comfort.

Wow SS. I didn't even need to prompt you much today. Did you realise how much you needed to offload?

I'll always be proud of the journey you continue to forge. It's not easy with many treacherous paths but you're standing tall and holding your own.

Thanks Doc. Actually none of it was coming out. My head was scrambled and it was getting really tough to write anything at all.

But you tend to keep me on track and pull out, what I need to deal with and explore.

#BlogLife279 - Blogger or storyteller?

My eyes are closed but my brain is still talking, still trying to unravel. Mostly I was told to shhh and now when I don't communicate I feel like I should be talking.

I just don't have anything to say. Should I force myself, is that any better for you or me?

I feel discombobulated. Isn't that a great word? Confused or disconnected it means.

When I first got my thesaurus I swear I read through the whole thing and some words just stuck. I wasn't even sure what they mean't but those pretty unusual words were beautiful to me.

I couldn't express myself but if I ever could these big shiny new words were there to help me along.

A small part of me wants to carry on blogging and writing fiction. A whole lot of me is traumatised from what happened to me in the past and the present.

I thought that I had dealt with a lot of stuff and I tried my best to make peace with it. It wasn't ideal but I rationalised that my problems were really just not that big a deal.

But despite the outside world interpreting it as normal and making me feel as though I was overreacting. It wasn't typical behaviours.

If it was, I wouldn't be having flashbacks and recalling exactly how petrified I felt in that instance.

I've told myself to move on and forget and I tricked myself because parts of me did and so I figured.. Hey I'm doing great, I can function again, I'm not overwhelmed anymore.

I'm not depressed but it's all still there lurking until a trigger pulls it out and it says Coooooooeeee, remember me?? I'm still here, waiting for you to deal with me properly.

Now I'm trying to recognise how awful things were and that it wasn't my fault and I was trapped.

I couldn't help myself because I didn't know how. I tried to talk but again, I just didn't know how to communicate at all.

The words seemed to die before I could get them out. It's a lot to process.

That I should have been happy, felt safe, been cared for but there was always a sense of foreboding.

I'm struggling to feel better because even though there is a lot to say......... I still can't say it!

My brain is in a holding pattern, thoughts are broken, even if they appear.

As usual music is filling the space..

Medellin by Madonna/Maluma, 

Ella Y Yo by Don Omar/Aventura. 

I like these catchy soothing songs. Sometimes it's better that I don't understand the language so my brain can roam free and work out what it needs to without interruptions.

I'm still having random issues with the charging case for the Q33 earbuds so I updated my review on Amazon to reflect this and the seller reached out to enquire how they could help.

I just explained that it has difficulty displaying it's depleted and in need or restoring back to health and they said..

Let me send you a new one and I said no need too really but they persisted and I received it yesterday about 4pmish.

I haven't open the packet. I'll get to it this weekend probably.

My sleeping pattern is still up and down but there are less dreams. I'm thankful for that.

I don't know if this will come out today or Monday. I'm sorry about that but I'm taking one step forward and two steps back at present.

I'm on Chapter 30 of the cop/mover saga and I've changed the title yet again. There seems to be much more to tell so it's not ending anytime soon and I wanted to wrap it up but I can't.

#BlogLife273 - Wake up or you're dead!

It's been a bad, bad day and it's only just gone 1pmish. You might think the title is extreme but that's pretty much the extent of my horror dreams, being chased, someone trying to kill me, or watching others being slaughtered.

The nausea was kicking my ass today but I persevered and did my hair and makeup. Actually I did something different, pulled the hair down and swept it to one side and it looked much better.

It's probably still flat and the greys are still winking at me but it also looks stylish and peppy. I clipped it back and it stayed in place.

There was lots of lil waves and curls and one tendril came loose but it appeared as though it was on purpose. 

Today could be a record I had about 4 or 5 panic attacks. There was a lot of triggers and I already felt dizzy and sickly and then I came home, I forgot to put the light on so the hallway was dark and I got turned around.

I literally didn't/couldn't see where the hell I was, where the doors were. It was petrifying. I slammed into a door because it's like I couldn't see, everything was dark and the light switch was hidden from me.

How messed up is that? I was so relieved to be home where it's safe and then I just lost my bearings. At least I had music to pick me up..

I would be a basket case if not for that. I fancied Pret but they are not taking deliveries so I settled for Greggs, which is pretty good actually.

I still feel like I can't catch my breath though. As I've said before, my nightmares mesh together from deep rooted stress.

That's why I try to be organised and do things one at a time, but sometimes the pain is too much and I quit for a bit so it becomes demanding.

I'm getting a couple of hours sleep at the moment. Mostly I lay awake, look around the room and listen to music or asmr. 

I try to clear my head but subjects float in and out. It's hard to close my eyes, knowing that I could be in danger and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

I just have to be in the moment and stay absolutely terrified. On a lighter note. I received the protein tablets I ordered for me and mama.

Also I discovered a hidden gem. Elizabeth Taylor makes sublime perfumes and I barely realised that they also do giftsets.

The lotions and shower gels are phenomenal nothing lacks the quality and now there are body mists that are a hell of a lot bigger than the perfumes and half price.

I just got mine and it's my favourite to date. Sparkling White. Oh my final highlight is a kaftan came back in stock.

It's not the exact same version but hopefully it's thick and warm, the last one lasted 5 years and all the others I've bought barely last a year so I don't mind investing in this.

It's a silky looking dark blue. The only thing I detest is that it has a zip. I'm not keen on those or buttons on a nightgown/kaftan type product and it digs into the skin but we'll see..

Yodel is bringing it, maybe this weekend or earlier...

#BlogLife171 - I survived.......But did I really?

Firstly I'm sorry about the lack of a new post on Friday. Thoughts were running in my head but nothing seemed to piece together.

I assumed it would make sense but it never did so I decided on a long weekend. I spent most of it looking at this old drama that reminded me of Cracker.

It was called The Fall with Gillian Anderson. A show about a serial killer who you kinda saw inside their mindset but also against the contrast of the loner killer stereotype.

He was married with kids and was even a counsellor. It was bizarre but addictive. Enjoyed it until the end where it didn't quite feel satisfying....

Casting that aside it just made me think of traumatic experiences in general. How we as humans are supposed to forget and move on...

How if we survive a horrific ordeal, we are deemed "lucky." 

I can say with certainty that I didn't and don't feel fortunate. I have to live with it. I recall things randomly..

I was in the worst state possible, yet I couldn't shake this notion, that something even more excruciating was going to happen next.

The unthinkable had occurred, what on earth did I think could top that??

It eats away at me. I see these terrifying flashes in my dreams. There is no control, no safety, there is just abandonment, fear and danger.

My heart pounds, I'm sweating profusely and my breathing is ragged. I wish I could switch off but the sun hasn't set yet and it's too dark.

I don't want to switch on all the lights but neither do I want to be engulfed by darkness.

If I play party music at this point, my breath returns to normal and I don't feel so panicky.

I can remember all the times I pressed play and danced in my room or in some other place and there was nothingness.

I was singing or humming, with known or unknown lyrics/tunes.

It feels like a big YES. You are entitled to feel this way. No-one can disagree or change you..

The music sweeps me away with it and I can just be!!! I'm not wrong or right, I'm just free.

Don't try to pick me apart or understand, just go with it. Let me sway and sing and find a way to accept this state of maddening confusion and rage.

I can't make sense of it but I can let it just ride and be where it needs to be.

I'm not a riddle to be figured out. I don't get it, so what the hell makes you think you know me?

You don't and you never will!

I'm just sick of people asking me these superficial questions and then making snap judgements.

"Oh that must have been terrible but it's in the past!"

What people forget is that technically it is in the past because that's when it occurred but when you live with something daily and it lingers in your mind.

It's the past, present and future too. There's no getting away from it.

#BlogLife32 - Gripped by panic

If you've been following my blog, you'll know that I suffer from PTSD and that I worry a lot in general. This morning I was due to have a stressful phone call..

Something that I perceived would concern me. My morning was going smoothly. I slightly missed my alarm but I woke up feeling refreshed and energised.

No haunting bad dreams which makes me sweat and become really afraid. There was none of that. I was even having a good hair day, it just fell together and made me happy I have a shorter hairdo.

I was running the bath that I cannot sit in because I would struggle to get up. I call it a shower-bath because although I don't have the shower head overhanging I have to use a jug and cleanse that way..

The phone starts ringing and the first thing I do is have a mini laugh and explain that I have to turn the tap off in case I forget it.

She is understanding and nothing she asks causes me any concern, whatsoever. I can reply with suitable responses and it's all smooth sailing.

But that initial worry is still there, until the conversation ends. It made me think about all the times, I got myself worked up, over nothing.

My day feels packed and I start thinking. How am I going to do all of this today? I have this, that and the other. The anxiety starts to build and then I just take a breathe.

I think hold on. Take a minute. What is the priority here? What needs to get completed first? I scroll the list mentally, pick out something and get on with it calmly.

I realise that it is just common sense and most people probably just do that anyway but it genuinely helps me to have a lil pep conversation and talk myself through the steps of what I need to do.

I had a mini shopping spree. I bought new headphones, hair bobbles and bedlinen. I was looking for my leave in conditioner.

I have three of them and the one I hate is all that I could find. Grr. I didn't really have time to experiment with the curlers but I will on a leisurely day.

PTSD is not something I wanted to acknowledge. I hated the word and denied it for a long time. After what happened to me. I figured I may or may not possess it.

After a while the fear was out of control. I was struggling to breathe. I felt dizzy and I felt so weak. I was desperate for sleep but every time I closed my eyes, I just relived everything.

I tried unsuccessfully to forget it. To live in denial and just shake the feeling out of me but it was impossible. The moment I stopped comparing myself to others and accepted it..

Was the time that I helped myself. I thought I should stop being a drama queen. People have real experiences and have lived through horrors.

What I went through was no picnic but I convinced myself it was somehow....less than what others have gone through. Pretty soon afterwards I discovered asmr and soothing music/headphones help in that moment.

It's like being blind or blinded. My vision gets hazy and I can't move and I feel unsteady as though if I don't hold onto something I'm going to collapse.

If you are struggling, try and get to a quiet place and just if possible, inhale, hold it and then slowly exhale. Repeat that until you feel whole again.

PTSD (fiction)

I pour water into all the diffusers scattered around the house. The colours intermittently form a soft glow, red, orange, blue, purple, green, white and so forth every few minutes. 

I know we both love citrus so I put orange and lemon in the diffusers and the whole place smells so fresh, summery and uplifting.

Close your eyes for a minute and breathe in the scent. It breaks my heart to see you in this much pain but I'm here to take care of you. 

I know about the insomnia, the nightmares, the panic attacks and the pain. When I stayed over last night I heard you pacing back and forth. I also heard the screams and the tears.

Is it always like this? Why didn't you say something? I thought it had passed. It happened so long ago but judging by your face, it seems more like it happened recently.

Did you talk to anyone about it? I know it's difficult and you don't want to face it but it's a big part of your life. It affects you and there is no use pretending it doesn't. 

I wish that you could forget it as well but it doesn't happen like that. You can't instantly wish away the magnitude of it all.

I pour you a steaming hot cup of cocoa and watch transfixed as you stir it slowly letting the liquid swirl as the powder disintegrates. I know you're avoiding looking at me. 

You still see yourself as this superhuman but you don't have to bear the brunt of it alone, you can ask for help anytime without being judged or appearing anything less than the sweet able person you are.

I know you struggle with asking, that somehow you think it's your responsibility to deal with it alone but you can still be supported and I can lend an ear whenever you need it.

I watch as you lean back on the sofa and take a deep breath. The wrapper crinkles as I open the box of chocolates and rustles as I slide the paper aside to offer you the first selection from the delicious crunchy nutty selection of premium milk chocolate minis. 

From smooth sticky caramels to chewy nougats to soft truffles. These are what you deserve. I see a hint of a smile playing on your lips as you nod in gratitude and select a soft textured praline. 

Now that you're a little more comfortable I proceed to coax you carefully. I cover your hand in mine and squeeze it ever so gently.

What part of your body is hurting at the moment? Your hands huh? Oops. Have you been using your heating pack? Why not? 

I remember you said it helped. You lost the sleeve? You can still use it, just lay flat and place it on the affected area.

Tell me about the nightmares. Quit stalling. I nod. I think that's normal in these sort of circumstances. 

You're being chased and just as you're about to be caught, you wake up or sometimes, people around you are being hurt but you're helpless and unable to help. 

I understand these dreams are born out of stress? Afterwards you feel unsafe and afraid and can't face going back to sleep so you lay awake and listen to music, play games or watch movies.

Keep telling yourself that you are safe and not in any danger and that the doors are locked and noone is hiding in the shadows out to get you. 

I can see tears forming on the edges of your eyelashes and I get up to bring another treat. I ask you to lean forward and I bring out a cushion massager on full heat and slide it behind your back.

It whirs and rotates soothing your back instantly. I also place the cold pack on your hands contrasting with the heat.

You finally look at me and I know that you're too choked up to speak but I know that you're starting to feel better. 

You lean your head on my shoulder and I put my arm around you and tell you that you don't need to speak for a while. Let's take a break.

I reach for my phone, scroll through my playlists and play the asmr beach sounds. Crashing waves, footsteps walking in the sand and a bucket and spade building sandcastles. 

We stay motionless for twenty minutes before I continue. What about these panic attacks? They are not solely from the nightmares? 

I didn't think so. Certain sounds, sights and thoughts bring it on? You're immobilised by fear? Can't move? Can't see? Can't breathe? That must be terrifying. I'm so sorry.

Try and take a deep breath if you can, listen to soft music and repeat the same messages over and over until you can open your eyes again. 

I'm going to be alright. I'm going to get through this. It will pass. I can deal with it.

You're not crazy or being melodramatic. What you went through was horrendous. It almost destroyed you but it didn't. 

Remember that it's natural to still be emotional and haunted. Life will never be the same but you can adapt and move forwards as best as you can.

When all else fails just remember, you have a kickass strength of character, an unwavering moxie and a killer sense of humour. 

That's why you're dearly loved, now quit hogging the choccies..Mmmm