#BlogLife1132 - And a suitable response, would have been....?

I'm so glad the week is over. I just have to get through the uc meeting and then slowly get back to the stories.

Maybe I should treat them like the blog. I'm excited to write that. I can attempt to focus on the Christmas story every day.

At least a paragraph maybe?

I hate when I'm right. I checked my email and Mama's response was there.

I called it. She said, Sorry that she's been a bad Mama, that she didn't have the courage to discipline and kick them out.

That she does value/love me. That I'm the only one she enjoys spending time with.

And she hopes one day I'll forgive her. It makes me teary because it's empty..

It's the same speech she's always given. I wanted her to dig deeper but she's assuming an apology mends a lifetime of abuse and damage to my mental state.

This time, it just does not cut it. There is no self reflection

There is no.. The reason behind it was...

I'm sure that she does feel bad but how many times, can you just hear sorry and the disrespect continues??

I need time. I know that. She didn't address the assault or the cousins and I don't know why that bothers me.

But it does because it's once again being swept under the carpet,  like I fabricated it.

If that was me and I was responding, I would have two tabs open. The one with the sent email and the blank page to mention each and every single point raised.

So that person felt truly heard and understood and then I would add my personal input, that I respect everything you've shared.

Thats been built up over years. I'm glad you opened up, even though it really shocked me.

I just want to tell my side now. Then I will take my queues from you.

Anyway Yes I am starting to feel guilty for cutting off contact but not enough to resume it.

I matter too. I have been carrying this for years and I don't want to anymore.

We will be acquaintances but not family. I did not get what I needed.

And Yes I realise it was a lot I dumped on her but some of it, she already knew...

And sorry to say. I question if she read all of it or just cannot handle the truth?

No reaction to your only daughter being suicidal and assaulted? None.....

Does she realise how hard it was for me to talk about it? How vulnerable I felt?

The other concern is, it's my business. I'm very private, I know it's weird I have a blog but this is anonymous..

But she likes to blab and in no way, did she reassure me, she would keep it confidential.

So Yes, anger is beginning to take over. Once again, my needs are ignored.

I don't feel validated. I don't feel it's a safe space.

But since childhood, I've needed to have my say and I finally felt strong enough to do it.

I pretty much knew the reaction. I would get and it's not comfort.

I want to fall to pieces and be seen but I'll never get that from her.

She expects me to do what I've always done and forgive and forget.

No, not anymore. I am staying the child. The raw vulnerable child that was tortured and didn't have any way to stop it or speak...

You better come to terms with it fast, because the pleasing daughter, you once knew, is gone.

I am shedding light on the truth.

Now I better continue getting ready and put this to one side. It's enough for now.

My head needs a break.

I don't know why I have a fierce need to say this....

But I am not a liar, everything I've admitted was the truth. I feel as though, she's already thinking I'm exaggerating or seeking attention.

I have zero support and I am alone but for right now, it's a damn relief because I get to look after my needs that were neglected for so long....

Catering to your illusion!

Goodbye for now. I need to heal and be there for myself, because you can't or won't be my rock.

Take care but don't contact me.

Ps, Another really depressing aspect to this was just how much she supported and listened to outsiders, but not her own flesh and blood.

She is capable, she chose not too. Not to listen but to criticise instead.

#BlogLife1131 - Not preference, but reality

I had a nice chat with a random, don't ask the name. I can't remember and then 5x days later, ghosted.

I can understand when you don't mesh and it's an effort but we seemed to get along well.

But ok, if you don't want to talk. I block and accept.

I've just tried the Grill House tandoori kebabs, the long kofte ones.

It took about 20x minutes. I'd probably do it for a few minutes more.

I like the tandoori flavour but it could do with more herbs, that was the only seasoning that came through.

I still enjoyed it. Pricey. £4 for 5x kebabs.. I had intended to slice it up and put it on top of some cheesy garlic bread slices..

But as usual I was too hungry so had the garlic bread solo.

Oh by the way G finally delivered my Iceland order and he said Oh I haven't seen you in ages..

So I said Yea I've been cheating with other supermarkets, he just laughed and dropped off the bags.

I so wish I had asked the days he was working..

Ok that freaked me out. My phone rang and no number or name came up...

I ignored it and looked at the call history. It was Mama, of course.

I don't want to talk to her yet. It's weird. It's like I already blocked her but I haven't....

I wrote the above yesterday before I sent the email. If you're wondering how I am and if I regret it..?

No. This has been brewing since I was a teenager. I could not articulate any of it.

I had no voice or expression. Day by day the lil self esteem I had was chipped away.

How I felt can be summed up in this point. Imagine, wanting to speak and not knowing how?

It's such a basic thing. Late last night I blocked her on the phone.

This post summed up, me wanting to open up but it not coming out. Until I lived alone and was safe..

This post was so powerful for me to write. In 2017, the year I started blogger..

Highlighting my pain and depression. I think it was the first proper fiction piece.

I am so proud that I was able to say it. I don't know why but I love that line..

"The strands kissed my shoulders and then danced away."

I felt like I was saying to myself through the tears. Hey, this is you, finally writing, finally unearthing.

Go you. I love you so much :) I think I classified it as fiction because although it was real, it wasn't in the usual post style.

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2017/08/if-im-not-me-who-am-i.html

This other post, relives my assault. I finally faced it and when I said He/They..

I mean't my siblings who had bullied me and stole my happiness and safety and the person who committed the act, that I had to recognise happened.

In the end, it got to the point where. It had to be acknowledged. 

That was the only way, I could write it. All of it, I tried to erase but time ran out and it doesn't matter if I'm emotional, reading or writing it..

I have to try and heal.

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2022/05/bloglife266-he-he-he-they-broke-me.html

There had been no text or email. No acknowledgement, to even say..

I didn't know any of this. I do care but if space is what you need after sharing, we will talk in the future.

I have left email as her only recourse for getting in touch. If she chooses.

I think it actually finally dawned on me, when I had the courage to say it to her..

I don't need to know Why. For my health, I just finally want it to sink in..

This was my life and reality. The one you denied. Let it sink in, how vulnerable, depressed, suicidal and unsafe I felt.

Don't dismiss my childhood because it's shameful. Accept it all happened and empathise that..

Even if you felt powerless or obligated. You never once wrestled with confronting them or calling the Police to eject them.

As for my cousins who shattered my confidence.. I did tell you about that..

You said.. They probably don't mean it. You're family. You have to be close.

I admire them for how slim they are. I love how pretty they are. They are so approachable and friendly..

Why can't you emulate them?

With your son's and nieces.. Your attitude was.. You're overreacting to it.

It's not bullying. They are too sweet. It's their Mama's fault not them.

You should want to be like them and be slim. Why can't you lose weight and talk more???

Now do you get it? What I had to live with? And why I am so angry??

And why cutting her out, is not such a problem.

I care. I love her. But there's comes a time, when you think, I've been emotionally rejected and beaten by your attitude, once to often.

It's time for you to face the consequences of your words and actions.

I was broken in pieces and so fragile and only in my 30s/40s was I able to finally face you and reveal everything. 

Whether you like it, accept it or ignore it. This is me.

I have spent decades undoing the damage. Learning how to like and love myself.

That my needs matter.

That what I think is important too.

Lastly I have grown to be a beautiful, flourished, accomplished woman.

Who talks and who people listen too and admire.

I don't hate myself. I don't think I'm dumb. I'm kind to myself and others.

Sounds vastly different to the shy girl, who just wanted to be loved, respected and listened too, with care.

Im sorry you finally have to face it. But the weight is off my shoulders.

Despite you and your family trying to make me insecure and change me..

I turned out great. Never in love. Never surrounded by friends.

But you know what??

I'm true to myself. That's a kind of happiness about not living a life in denial.

Moving forwards. I don't see our relationship being evolved.

I can't see you discussing it deeply. I could be wrong..

It will be civil and friendly but empty.

I finally get to break away of the fake version of life, that you revel in.

I can breathe again and get on with life.

#BlogLife1130 - Crazy Self Therapy 11 *Updated*

If you're a new reader, I'll just explain. I'm not in therapy. I don't trust anyone to open up to them.

So for my sanity sake, I pretend to be the Doctor and patient. It's something that works for me..

Hi SS. Welcome.

Hi Doc. I want to explore something. What if I told Mama the truth and she still didn't care?

I don't want to hurt her feelings but it keeps spinning around in my head.

The reason I don't say anything, is if after she heard everything and dismissed it or said she didn't believe me..

I think that would be the final straw, to walk away permanently.

I've just been thinking how peaceful it would be to break that tether and be free.

Don't you think that's extreme? Wouldn't you regret it?

I've gotten to a point where the stress is burying me. I feel stagnant like I'm holding back or waiting for the next disaster..

I can't write. I can't concentrate. I am floating but shackled and my head keeps disappearing underwater.

Let me be the objective one then. What are the pros and cons?

Well, if I told her, that would make me feel heard and less blocked.

On the other hand, she barely listens and is quick to pretend I haven't shared something vital, because it doesn't fit her rationale.

What is your desired outcome?

What am I even expecting??? I think validation. That how I feel matters to her.

I think I want her to take responsibility for her poor decisions. That had a devastating impact on my life.

As an adult. I will take care of my wellbeing, safety and choices.

But as a child, that was not in my control.

It's not something I can get over until she owns up to her part.

Do you wish she would self reflect and not make empty statements without real confessions?

All she says is that she was a bad parent and did the best she could.

On the surface, that is a step but there is never anything added to explain why? Never!

Do you feel it's a cop out?

I actually do. I've let her get away with so much. By saying that, she relinquishes her guilt without personal growth..

That is what ticks me off. I've worked on myself and don't mind admitting my flaws and wrongdoings, why can't she?

How would you do it? In person? Over the phone? In an email or text?

I don't think I could do it in person. Too public. Probably an email or text messages.

What would you say honestly?

Dear Mama,

Only read this while you are free. Not listening to music, not on a phone call, not cooking, not in company.

Thank you.

This is really hard to say, which is why I need your undivided attention.

For the longest time I have questioned our relationship and what I am getting out of it.

I grew up in an unsafe environment, fearing each day for my life.

Being bullied and threatened, while you stood by and did nothing, or not enough to ensure my mental and physical safety.

I hated my life and my body and my personality.

The truth is, my siblings weren't the only bullies. You became one, when you fixated on my weight and personality and compared me to other bullies, who you worshipped!!

You never once made me feel I was good enough as I was.

I was so depressed, so full of self disgust, so trapped, that I tried ending it, over and over, just to get an escape.

I let men I dated say the most vile disgusting things to me, in the hopes that one day, they would care.

I went out, hoping to disappear into the world and never have to come home again.

When I was 17 years old. I was sexually assaulted. I was a virgin and all I wanted was someone to love me and accept me for who I was and who I would become.

A part of me permanently died. I realised I would never ever feel safe again in male company.

That's why I don't date.

You want to know why I didn't tell you? You would blame me, the victim.

I tried so hard to stick up for myself and face the threats of violence but I was too afraid.

You didn't protect me. You blamed me for all they did wrong.

I am 48 years old and I can never be vulnerable around anyone.

I can never let anyone close to me.

I don't trust anyone!

You taught me, who I was, wasn't appealing. I grew up believing I was unlovable.

So why am I telling you all this? Why now? Honestly, I don't know if I want a relationship with you anymore.

You don't listen. You don't respect my boundaries. You talk about them, the cousins, your sons, like they are innocent.

You tell me to get over it. I'm cold hearted. I'm stubborn....

In your eyes, I'm to blame. You see them as misunderstood.

Never once have you seen it from my point of view.

I tell you, not to mention their names or anything about them.

You gleefully praise them and admire them.

That tells me. You don't care about my needs and you sure as hell don't respect me.

Why should I revere and respect you???

Or want to talk or spend time with you?

I've stopped caring about protecting your feelings. I'm looking out for myself.

Don't you dare make anymore promises or statements, you can't keep.

My health is getting worse and worse. The only thing I've wanted is peace of mind.

With you out of my life. I'm that much closer to it.

Goodbye (for now or permanently)

It depends on how you act from now on...

Wow! That was a lot. I wasn't expecting so much brutal honesty.

If it's something you need to do..

It's not for me to say your next steps. Once you send it, there is no going back.

It's brave though, talking to a brick wall..

It might take some time to take it in. You need to be patient.

So I tweaked the ending, told her not to discuss it with anyone and said I need a break from her.

But it's emailed. My phone's off and I need silence.

#BlogLife1112 - What does friendship mean to you personally?

Umm I had some posts written that I was going to publish but something happened last night and this fresh one, needs to be written to clear my head.

I don't know if I'll post it first but I need to get this off my chest. If you're a regular reader, you'll know, I spent my life as an outsider, looking in...

Trying to bond, trying to fit with people and trying to get the respect back, that I bestowed upon others.

It just didn't work. I was seen as this quiet, so obviously uneducated girl, who didn't have anything worthwhile to offer.

At lot of the time, I was mocked and ignored and I didn't have a voice or opinion that seemed to matter to others.

Eventually I stepped back, worked on myself and got to a point, where I thought, Ok, I am smart, I am good company and any single person, that doesn't make me feel good, I will remove, whether with a goodbye or not....

So in the last couple of months, that's how I felt once again, pushed aside and ignored and that doesn't work for me.

That's how all the friendships/acquaintanceships have gone and I'm not going to stand for it.

My needs are important too. So I thought alright, it's expired, they'll move on and I'll do the same.

Because I am not chasing someone, that doesn't want me around.

I take it extremely personally. I understand, life get's busy, family, friends, work etc...

And if you're the type of person, to drop someone when you're busy and then months later, return like nothing happened, no apology, no remorse....

It's just not the type of relationship I can live with.

For me I want to be able to finally trust someone and let my walls down. To rely on them, to be able to just reach out and say...

Listen I need you right now, can we chat? If I don't feel that way, if I've not given some of your time....

I just don't see the point. I don't want to feel insecure or insignificant because I am not.

I have worked abundantly hard on my self esteem and no-one is going to make me feel as though I don't matter.

When someone casually dips in and out of your life, how do you trust that, they'll be around when you need them?

How can you possibly open up and say, there have been new developments, when you're constantly re-acquainting yourselves??

You can call it selfishness, coldness, whatever you like but I'm sick of the inconsistency.

I will never demand, all of someone's time but certainly Yes, a portion of it.

We all deserve, someone making the effort, someone thinking about us and caring, not out of guilt, but genuinely wondering..

Aww, I wonder if he/she is having a good week? I wonder what happened with so and so?

I'm curious if he/she is feeling better?

That's the bare minimum requirement of friendships. You have to listen, you have to respect and you have to support.

Not under any obligation, but because your heart is full and you feel this mushy need to protect them or seek them out..

Why am I saying all of this?

Not to be rude but I feel icky, so someone who had no compulsion to talk to me, at first, kept reading the blog.

And I felt a bit... This doesn't seem right because, you're able to read my thoughts and then try to find a way, to bond with me again??

I don't find this person bad hearted but what is on my mind....

Is that, they took me for granted, assumed, even after being cast aside, I would just resume the friendship...

Like I have nothing better to do, or will settle for tiny crumbs of affection...

And specifically after I wrote Goodbye on the blog, that's when it finally dawned on them, I was done.

They had months to reach out, while reading my blog and they did not...

Suddenly, it's like they've gone into panic mode and the messages come and now pending comments from them and/or someone new on my blog....

The apology, no matter how heartfelt... It's just too lil to late.

My safe space, the place where, I can be vulnerable and share things...

Feels tainted. I have not responded to them because I don't have anything to say.

If you don't want to talk, don't talk, but don't assume, I'll stick around either..

When you lift your head out of the sand and think shoot.... That was a good person....

I realise now, how foolish I was, how I hurt their feelings and it's too late to repair it.

Just accept reality, instead of creeping around.

You're not a bad person but everything you've done, has further pushed me away.

I needed someone in my corner and you proved, that person isn't you.

Although I am alone and will always be by myself. Today I'm not mourning it.

I can stand tall and know my self worth, that I won't settle and I won't put up with someone not meeting my needs...

The years and years I just endured unhealthy friendships because I didn't think I deserved real love and respect and affection and care......

And now look at me... I'm amazing. Still very far from perfection.

Still impatient.

Still an Ice Queenie but damn, maybe no-one will love and accept me for me but I know that I do and today, that's more than enough.

Question, whether you are really getting something positive from your friendships because it will chip away at your confidence.

I should work on being humble, right? Ha..

Do I allow the pending comments to be published or not? I'm so gutted that they aren't real but from a place of desperation.

My blog is my baby and what you've done, is stolen a lil peace and joy from me and I didn't have much to begin with.

#BlogLife1109 - Do you interpret dreams?

Song of the day - Go West - Faithful

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-4tf66-V3Q

This song of the day randomly popped into my head and I realised it wasn't on my phone.

One of the classics I used play on repeat.. Didn't know the words, did know the band.

Ooh my hair is looking super cute today.

Strange sensation this morning, asleep but awake and I had a succession of dreams but only recalled the last one..

Shopping for an event with a former close cousin and we were distant but sorta friendly.

Then this market, had grocery thieves, celebrity spotting, fancy schmancy items and regular stuff ha, very strange..

I don't think about this person, so I'm not sure why they were there?

I have no wish to reconcile, they showed their true colours to me and made it all about themselves, dismissing my needs and not wanting to listen, at one of the most vulnerable times of my life, so I cut them out, having faced this toxic behaviour regularly.

I should have told her, what I was doing, but I think I just refused her calls, not knowing how to articulate, how I was feeling and the hurt that she put me through..

Back then, I didn't really talk much, I tried but it was so deeply imbedded, without me able to decipher it, I just couldn't..

Nowhere, noone felt like a safe space to share.

She was the closest thing I had to a sister. I desperately wanted that bond, to be seen, to blossom and I thought it would fix everything or make life easier...

But her turning on me and expecting instant forgiveness, was a betrayal too far.

You can't just trash someone, insult them and expect to still be close, without facing consequences.

Plus she didn't fight for me, she could have travelled down to see me and said, I'd like to understand you..

I'd like to reconcile or at least talk and see but her throwing me away, kinda reinforced, she just didn't care.

I really didn't need another fake in my life. I tried to make it work, with the other cousins, a lot of them had sisters too..

But I just remained in the outsider role. I didn't fit in anywhere.

I'll always remember trying to be brave and express, that home wasn't a good environment, it wasn't safe.. To my Aunt.

But I was trying to use my words carefully, trying to be, only half vulnerable and not fall apart.

So I had to sorta, tell it while sarcastically laughing, or grinning or smiling, it was the only way I could actually tell someone..

But I was so hoping, she would see through that facade...

And she didn't and it tore me to shreds because underneath I knew how hard it was, and I knew I was holding back the tears..

Experimenting with trying to be open, trying to talk...

And she said...... Well it obviously isn't as bad as you make out, you're laughing about it...

I must have excused myself and just wept silently. I think my worst fear came true, I shared a secret and wasn't believed....

And I think I must have shut down because, what was the point of communicating???

Who knew, many many, many, decades later I would write about it and not feel embarrassed or ashamed..

And actually have the words in my head, freely and laugh/cry, be happy and sad and accept it, without feeling I need to be strong all the time.

I think I just needed to justify walking away because I was made to feel like garbage.

They didn't take the time to understand me. I struggled so badly, craving someone decent to talk too, to just feel I wasn't the problem.

That there was some appeal to me, that one day someone would want me around, to get to know me.

Now I feel differently, After everything I've been through, the world can go to hell.

I don't need anyone. I'll have chitchats but 75% of me, will never truly be seen.

I didn't really know all that needed to be said. It felt like I had closure ages ago.

I know that my Aunt stopped talking to my Mama and held her accountable.

And at funerals and when I was in hospital she reached out politely, briefly, to which I acknowledged her but neither of us, discussed anything personal..

It was almost business like.. And if she ever wanted to clear the air, I would, but I would not rekindle the friendship..

Which reminds me of another cousin, that sought me out, Mama gave her my number, without my permission.. 

And she never got in contact, which really pissed me off.

Don't reach out fakely, unless you actually want to connect. I'm sick of ingenuine people.

Ugh how could I forget, the UC appointment is tomorrow (today). I'm going to think of it like exercise, something I should do but I don't.

I'll try to give myself an hour to walk and rest and then maybe, I can shop a bit and not be dead on my feet, that I'll want to pass out.

Especially in this excessive heat. I only have bagels and fillings left but it depends how I feel.

Ideally I want to get food and snacks, realistically even with the rest breaks, I still think I'll be thoroughly exhausted.

Or I could take a cab but I don't know where they would be allowed to park, the main area is closed for roadworks..

There's no easy solution and I usually don't sleep well, so that's even less energy.

Oh just realised something else, as my bus stops are closed either side, when I'm coming home, it stops right outside a sandwich and chicken shop..

But again, it all depends, if my legs will let me go to them. At that point, I'm going to be dying to rest.

So on to today and got back an hour ago and have been munching grilled wings and some chips.

I wanted dessert but there wasn't any, or cheesecake which I hate, too sweet..

Quite tasty the wings, probably needs another 5 minutes under the cooker.

For some reason they gave me rice and some bread so that can be for later or tomorrow, I just wanted to get rid of my hunger.

I am dying to wash off the makeup and change, I just couldn't be bothered because my left leg is developing a strain...

Pfft, headaches, hand twinges and now this. The UC advisor even asked me about it, uncaringly and still gave me an in-person appointment.

What made me laugh to myself was that she called me and I purposely didn't check my phone..

Because she's gonna ask security questions, name, address, phone number, maybe, I forget..

And that's a risk of identity theft... Anyway I loved the fact she said she was busy.......

As though she's the Queen, pfft, give me a phone appointment then dodo!!

As if I don't have things to do. As though I don't kill myself, strain my body trying to make it, to the crappy appointments!!

Sod off!!

So I gave myself an extra hour, wasn't really needed, 30mins next time.

It actually starting off drizzling and cooler, which made walking heaps better.

When I walked that whole market, I swear I wasn't near collapse and that was longer, or maybe the same..

But then the sun came out and even with rest breaks, it helped but it didn't..

My body remembers the pain and tiredness. When I got there, I wasn't fainty...

But heading back home, there's hardly anywhere to rest, so even when I got off the bus, that dizziness hit me hard.

I was just swaying, thinking, not sure I'm gonna make it.. So even though it was just a few steps to the cafe/bakery or the chicken shop...

I couldn't do it. I knew I would need every ounce of energy to walk home.

It's probably just 5x minutes to get home but felt like an eternity. But at least I took the bins out this morning so now to do the uc stuff and finally relax.

#BlogLife1097 - Shut up shut up shut up!!!

As much as I'd like to ignore this, I fear it will eat away until I address it..

So today went smoothly, bar one part of the conversation which just plain vexed me but I as usual had to swallow my irritation because the sun and moon seem to shine out, when she talks about her sons.....

The bullies, terrorisers that I grew up with. Once more she's waxing lyrical about how benevolent they are and I want to scream NO they are monsters....

Why do you insist on bragging about them to me??? I ask no follow up questions, I hold zero interest...

Yet she continues on like they are saints..... How funny, they continually borrowed/stole money from you!!

Hell I'd rather starve than be irresponsibly, running to you for handouts, on things I do not need!

Yet, they say, Oh make sure you treat SS well, she deserves it....

Oh piss off!!! I don't know where the fuck, this saint act came from.....

But I remember the real person..... The one threatening violence....

All the time criticising, calling me an idiot, silencing me, day in and day out...

Now suddenly, you're the good guys??? Go to hell!!

I wasn't the screw up. I wasn't the cause for the Police visits!!

She just went on and on, as though all those memories of my childhood are magically erased as though they didn't happen.

As though how I felt, like the self loathing and disgust, I felt for myself, didn't happen...

Always questioning, why everything I thought and said must be wrong...

Why else would I be mocked? Ridiculed to the point, I stopped talking in school.....

Where the only solution, was to take myself out and not exist anymore...

That would be better, no silly, dumb, unattractive, fat SS, getting in everyone's way........

She is so unapproachable for the deep stuff. One step forwards, two steps back.

The point is, I finally respect how I am, how I feel, it is important but she doesn't!!

It's getting harder to ignore and forgive.

I just had to vent, please excuse the bad language but when I'm mad, I am mad and no-one will censor me, not even me.

I need my voice, I need to be able to express myself in peace.

I wrote the fan and body butter reviews on Amazon, hopefully they will help someone save money.

I always love neutral reviews. No-one likes wasting money.

Strange the Iceland order was due 10-12pm but it's nearly 11am and it's not even out for delivery.

There's been no text to say G or someone else is delivering it..

Hmm, I hope it shows up, there's no call or text, saying there is an issue...

I hope G delivers and no sign of the stationary prize yet. The postie has come and gone and no knocks...

Ugh what an ordeal that was, new driver, argumentative, refused to listen to instructions, talked over me, did apologise afterwards.

But cripes, I kept saying Ouch, ouch, down the phone, having to put my boots on to step outside to further direct him..

Only for him to once again, argue and say I was outside, didn't you see me?

Lies!!! If you were there I would have spotted you. So stressful, arguing with males..

My back is now hurting! Anyway, the whole point of bloody online shopping, is that it gets delivered to your door!!!

I'm kinda irritated today as you can see. I don't appreciate being ignored!

Time to munch leftovers and during the week, I have new things to try...

The R Whites, lemonade and raspberry ice poles, 8x £1.75. They are still sold out of the ginger chicken, which is amazing, so not surprised..

I saw some Chinese sticky chicken to try, 400g bag for £4, I don't think that was part of a deal...

Should be interesting in a sandwich or as a snack. I should have looked for sticky rice.. Oh well..

#BlogLife1080 - Reality vs Reality...?

I know reality shows are a bit of fun and escapism. I want to shut off my brain and tune in for the dramas and different types of behaviours and revelations..

And to learn about how couples relate to each other because I've never been a part of a couple and doubt I ever will be, so this is the only way to observe it.

It brings up questions for me..... Should you change for someone?

Or is it personal growth? How do you maintain a semblance of yourself while trying to please someone else?

Is that healthy? Will you end up with resentments or be thankful you've grown with confidence?

I've seen instances where someone is shy and reserved and they are paired with someone outgoing and talkative..

It doesn't really mesh well, the confident one, loves the sound of their own voice too much and the quiet person, observes and takes it in..

I'd take it personally if someone said I don't like your dress style, let me take you shopping to pick things out for you.....

Hmm, my style is my own, if you don't like it, don't wear it.

But if they said it differently.... I would like to treat you and further explore some more feminine outfits that I think you would feel and look great in, obviously the final decision is yours..

Then I would be more receptive to it. I'd still have my own input and to be honest, I do mainly wear trousers and pretty tops because I'm not the most comfortable in dresses or skirts.

To be honest, I haven't tried on a dress in years. I wonder now with this significant weight loss, would I look better?

I look in the mirror and I see this heavy set person, when I don't look in the mirror, I see a smaller version of myself.

With dating, I know you have to put the effort in and look nice for one another, but you also have to feel good in your chosen attire, otherwise you spend it awkwardly self conscious..

Hmm I kinda stick to the same toastie routine, cheese, egg or meats..

I'm thinking of changing it up and making it sweet toasties instead.....

Jam is too sweet, I thought there was a reduced fat one in Iceland but nope.

The problem is, so is hazelnut spread but what if I tapered it with something savoury?

I thought fruits but it's a lil pricey... Then lemon curd, is an interesting ingredient... Sweet, yet tangy...

I know most would pair it with bananas, but that's not my thing. Pears would be interesting but again, pricey and I need something to stretch it out for the week...

I've seen the frozen berry fruits are on sale 2x £5, which is better than paying £3 for 1 bag and it won't spoil..

Could be like a brekkie dessert type thingy...?!

I know it seems like sweet on sweet, but sometimes blueberries, raspberries and redcurrants have a slight bitterness to them.

Plus there is blackberries, strawberries and blackcurrants. It just sounds like a tall glass of Vimto, which was a blended berry drink, yum.

I'm not completely sold on the lemon curd.... I'll keep looking...

The other crazy thought I had was adding cereal to it or oats, sounds strange but intriguing or nuts...

All this has to fit into a budget.. I might just leave it to the fruit and chocolate...

I could do the same with croissants, make them loaded with chocolate and fruit....

#BlogLife1055 - Waiting on nitwits........ All day disrespect

Ha, I said I was going to leave the cleaning until the morning and then I thought the sun has gone down, there's only a bit to wipe, sink and the tub, why not just do it?

That's exactly what I did, somehow found the energy and then took out the bins.

I was going to change the duvet but then there will be a pile of washing left out.

I've done enough. There's still a soreness lurking. I'm glad I did it. Tomorrow I might see if there's anything else before they arrive and then that will be it.

Mind you, they might leave a mess and their trash, which sometimes happens..

I'm all done, I should have actually mopped the floor but there is no way I have it in me. It's all presentable, just not spotless.

I slept quite off and on so maybe a few hours and then woke up before the 7ish alarm.

I just want it over and done with then I can relax, eat and be normal for the weekend.

My eyes feel so much better with the eye drops, maybe the saline will come tomorrow..

It's only 9amish. Two hours I've been up and they could come at anytime before 12pm, unless they run late...

I was hoping they would be here by now. Time is going too slowly.

Hmm it's nearly 11.30pm. Have they forgotten? There's still no texts, emails or calls...

They could have been done by now. What was the point of me waking up at 7amish??

I'm drained. I can't even concentrate. I can't turn on the heating or close the windows, even though it's chilly...

If I do when they get here all the windows will be open and I'll catch a chill.

Luckily the blankie is nice and toasty. I can't munch because I don't want to open the door all messy..

I can't nap incase the phone/door buzzes.. I can't change either, even though it's nearly 2pm.

2 hours late! At what point do I give up? I've got no appetite.

Alright just stop everything. It's just gone 3.33pm so over 3 hours and that's it.

I'm done. I'm going to eat and chill and they can go jump off a cliff!

I'm going to try that truffle pasta thingy.

You know what's funny? Being distracted and then not realising, I still had the heated blankie on, when the sun is raging and hot now. Oops.

Holy moly the truffle chicken macaroni pasta is delicious. It has zero truffle taste woop woop.

It's elevated seasoned up mac and cheese, that's what it is, I thought I would hate it, but it's wonderful.

The Muller Mississippi mud pie is not great. The yoghurt part is fine, toffee, coffee, more coffee..

But the other side is like a dry bitter biscuity and it's not sweet enough and not exciting to eat.

That I assumed I would love but I don't, crazy day. I'm glad I munched but that's my limit for today.

Oh one last thing, so it was mostly a good chat with Mama until the end...

One of the siblings asked at what point did I finally start talking in school?

And the whole conversation took a nasty turn because although I don't remember it.

I know why I didn't talk. At home constantly criticised and told to be silent.

I thought I was an embarrassment to myself and representing my family.

Idiots shouldn't talk blah blah blah.. 

And I thought really Mama? You're making a joke and laughing at this?

A traumatic childhood is amusing to you? The fact that I hated myself and thought there is nothing positive about me???

For decades is not a joke. You're bringing up his name and once again, I am the butt of everyone's mockery.

I was half tempted to tell her straight....... The reason I didn't talk was that I believed I was dumb!!!!

That was hammered into me at home, on a daily basis. Did you conveniently forget that??

Anyway I've touched on this so many times, she will never change and wise up.

Heaven forbid she do some soul searching or inner reflection, and even if she does, it won't last.

I don't want to be bothered by it this time, so I'm writing it out and getting rid of it.

Err unfortunately my brain has other ideas and it keeps replaying it in my head over and over.

And I was trying to figure out why? And then it came to me. It's like she wanted a daughter but didn't.

She didn't want my personality, she wanted her bubbly niece's. That's why she continually compared me to them and said...

Why can't you be like them? Skinny, popular, confident, friendly. (She didn't name the traits as such but it was loudly implied).

She conveniently ignored their obvious defects, which was disrespectfulness, being unkind, bullying and a shatterer of confidence.

And I always wondered why, she only saw the good in them, yet only saw the negative in me?

It gave me the biggest complex........ Why am I so unappealing? What's wrong with being myself?

So her view of me, plus my siblings and cousins and Papa and friends made me think Wow, nobody will ever love and respect me for being me, because they keep harping on about my inadequacies so it must be true right???

I just had to shut out and silence all their hatred in order to love myself and know I deserved better treatment and care.

I don't know but I think I needed that reminder today. No matter how arrogant I pretend to be, just to feel semi ok and normal.

When family brings it back...... It's like they are saying it's obvious, You are not one of us.

We barely tolerate you and don't accept you, remember that....

Why can't I just have the good relationship I crave, instead of a bitter one?

At this point I'm glad Mama's is off on her holidays for 2 months. I need a break from her, like she excels on ruining good times.

I just don't want to speak to her or wish her safe travels, I'm too angry.

By the time she comes back, I'll have simmered. I think what's also infuriating is that, even if I said, You of all people know what our home life was like.

Because she gleefully pointed out to all the Teachers, she's fine at home, talks normally.....

She doesn't need extra help or special attention..

Yea even if I said the older sibling in particular told me to shut up, every singe time I talked....

She would have found a way to negate and say, well it was only a few times or I've forgotten or I think you're exaggerating, it was a joke......

I don't feel heard and validated to say my childhood and your version do not match up.

And even though you don't agree with mine, I need you to accept it and realise my reality was real to me.

She'll never give me that closure though. She acts like I should be over it and mentions their names, without filtering or sparing my feelings.

I know I'll eventually snap and blurt out home truths about trying to harm myself.

And the real reason I don't date and the fact that I feel unattractive on the outside and inside..

Plus my confidence fluttering, one minute I'm good and the next just feel I can't do anything successfully....

Or the fact that, the only way I knew I would survive life was to stop hating myself and fight my mind against layer and layer of being despised in my surroundings.

But it took years and years before that happened and I wasn't sure I had it in me or even wanted to live and put up with it.

I know my faults and as negative as my family is...... I want to show someone in the same boat as me, that there is positivity out there.

There is a way out of the darkness, it just takes time, healing, patience, self love and purging your soul from toxicity.

Ok sorry you had to read all that but I had to say it and get rid of it.

#BlogLife961 - I don't know why I'm irritated..

Hmm from Sunday, no reply from Mama after I said I'm not coming for Christmas, no asking How I am..

Fine. I'm only your so-called daughter with health issues and dwp crap.

Then tonight she texted to say the older siblings isn't coming and neither is anyone else, that it wouldn't be the same without me.

Did she contact me while she was away? Nope.

I feel like I'm being manipulated to tow the line and just agree.

To give in, ignore my needs and cater to hers alone.

I think my issue is, now one of the few times I'm standing my ground and sticking up for myself..

Suddenly she's listening? All the years, all the times I've said, if the siblings are there, I don't feel safe..

Now suddenly she's doing me a favour??

Why?? Because you don't want to be alone and you want something from me, suddenly you're being kind..

Maybe you should have considered my safety and wellbeing long before.

You know as selfish as I am. When I told her I wasn't visiting over Christmas..

I felt weightless. I know I'm not supposed to take care of myself, it's supposed to be what she wants, what she needs, to hell with my happiness right?

But stepping away, saying No, I'm not doing what you want.

I'm tired of sacrificing myself for you, felt really good.

I know now I've made the right decision. 

She's not said Are you okay? Can I do anything?

Do you need anything? If it was anyone else but me, she would have.

That is what grates on me. Always being taught, Whatever I want is pointless, Whatever others want is real, it's important.

This year's been hard. I've struggled physically and mentally. 

I've had numerous injuries, a bad fall. I'm constantly stressed about money.

When do I just get to switch off from it? It's supposed to be lonely right? To be alone over the holidays..?

But what if it's not? What if it's freeing to not have anyone being nasty to you?

Putting you down? Making you feel you're not enough..

What if this year, I can finally breathe?

I don't know what's going to happen in the future.

But if I were her, I'd start to question why her only daughter is distancing herself away, more and more.

I don't think she'll ever self reflect. I think I've gotten to a point where I'm too fragile, too vulnerable. 

People are bad and I want to keep my distance, put a lot of walls up and just feel safe again.

There's a lot of bad qualities in me but despite what everyone I know thinks/says about me.

I know I'm a decent person. I'd have your back but no-one is reliable and I've not found anyone that can give me the bond that I would eventually want.

No time for me and take take take, no thanks.

I had a lot of love to give, care, time, affection..

I'm not sure I do anymore.

Ugh just as I thought I couldn't feel worse, there's a new weird mystery pain, my insides feel yucky and movements like bending are making it worse.

There's a local random that's ask to meet a few times, non romantically to kill his boredom.

A tiny bit of me is almost tempted just to have a giggle and the rest of me, doesn't feel safe at all.

I thought I was ready but I'm not, maybe some time later or next year..

#BlogLife950 - Disliked for my gender?

Dear Moi,

As usual I would have loved more sleep but 9amish was when I really woke up properly and that was it. 

P told me he injured himself and is getting checked out, nothing major and he's in good spirits, still hope he's ok though and I appreciated him telling me.

It got me to thinking of the silliest but excruciatingly painful incident that happened when I was pre teen..

The door rang and for some reason I was so excited to get it. I don't recall who it was and why I was so giddy but I ran barefoot and somehow smacked into the door and chipped a bone in my lil toe.

I didn't even get to open the door, I just hobbled back hopping in agony and what sticks out, is the lack of compassion or sympathy..

As my Mama said, it's your own fault, you brought this on yourself. I remember thinking I am in so much pain, probably crying at that point and you can't even be nice to me...

Looking back I don't recall any instances where she was hyper critical to my male siblings, it was just me and there is a long pattern of blame and disgust for me being human and making errors.

When I was on my first weight loss journey, there wasn't many options that were affordable in the stores, so I tried on a jacket maybe and it was an inch too small.

She looked so repulsed at me with a grunt. The implication being, Cripes, Why are you like this? Why can't you be skinny like the other females in the family?

I felt so low and I think the self loathing was already present but there was anger and resentment that I couldn't express because she was the one that was obsessed with my weight and gave me a complex in the first place.

I felt like I could not get her approval until I began to skip meals, exercise all day and was fainting a lot.

The reason I am calling it a gender issue is because she compared me to her favourite nieces that were skinny and popular but also my siblings that were male and popular..

My siblings were nasty human beings to me, bullied, threatened and made me a terrified silent shell of myself.

But because they were popular, they were admired and celebrated. 

I was sensitive and struggled to communicate with anyone, so forming attachments was too challenging and still is, as I get used for my kindness and then ignored when I need something.

This still weighs on my mind as it is ongoing. The fractured relationship with my Mama has less appeal to be repaired.

I like being a woman, I mostly do like myself but I have gotten to the point where family or not, I think I would rather be alone in life than being critiqued and feeling like I'm barely seen or tolerated.

What is it about me, that causes distaste? 

Yes I make mistakes, Yes, I'm sensitive, Yes I'm unable to form friendships or relationships because I can't stand being vulnerable or talking or opening up around others, only in safe written form. Anonymously.

Were you expecting me to be a perfect doll? Pretty, skinny, well adjusted, popular, confident and outspoken? 

I wonder if both my parents would have preferred their only daughter to be male, I'm beginning to realise that's the way it appears..

Disgusting behaviour, rudeness and arrogance were favoured because what? They had a lot of friends and were ambitious to the outside world?

But behind close doors...... Shouting to get their way, intimidation, silencing and thievery happened.

Did my parents look back and genuinely think, You know what the bad traits we can tolerate and forgive but our daughter we can not..

She is not like us, she does not belong in our family. She is anti social, not trusting, doesn't have friends, is pathetically long term sick and has no ambition or purpose in life.

That is inexcusable to us, We will show out distaste for her and revere the males as they represent us favourably.....

It's funny to me, my eyes are watery admitting all of this because you emotionally stole the confidence out of me.

Yet you wanted me to be better and stronger, it backfired on you because I felt kicked when I was utterly defenceless.

Your sons made me unable to trust anyone. Especially any males.

Yet you kept saying, ignore it. You kept saying Don't eat too much. You kept saying/implying Who you are, isn't good enough.

I know nobody will ever love me for me, only I will accept myself as imperfect.

I know I am good enough as I am but I failed to meet your impossible standards and I don't want to serve myself up anymore for your inspection.

You, my family are the cause of staying invisible for most of my life and I'm sick of the living in the shadows..

I want to walk in the daylight proudly and be seen and accepted and respected. Is that too much to ask?