#BlogLife1065 - Why don't I trust I'm enough, instead of self sabotageynessness?

What 7 Cups has taught me is that I need that intellectual stimulation, I can't just have meaningless chats all the time with the randoms..

Yet sometimes, it's actually my own fault, sometimes..... I... Yes moi is guilty of making the chat flirty, or silly, instead of deep and meaningful..

Do I think I won't be liked for having a brain and talking about something important?

Do I think I won't be able to match wits? (No that can't be it, I'm hilarious).

Maybe I'm afraid I won't be seen as articulate or clever? That I'll stumble over words and struggle to get my point across?

I'm not sure why I do it. I usually blame hormones. They get the better of me.

Well just like that, last night one of the randoms, gave me exactly what I wanted a deep and meaningful....

Only he couldn't sustain it, or maybe I couldn't? I'm not sure I've ever talked to someone who has a really similar background as mine, in regards to traumatic childhoods..

So we sorta bonded over that but then that arrogance popped up.....

I know better than you... Take my advice, do what I say... And ickkk really???

I know my own mind. I know what's best. He was saying therapy was very beneficial on getting him back on track so I said Good for you, glad it worked, but it's not for me.

I don't trust anyone to open up to them so I've been my own therapist..

And he said You should go into therapy because I don't think you have the tools to do it yourself...

I have to laugh because no, I'm not an expert and don't claim to be..

But I do know myself, I have studied both psychology and counselling before, I didn't mention this.

A mature person would say, Have you thought about seeking a therapist?

Does being in therapy teach you to be a know-all? If so, ha, keep it :)

So that didn't really bother me because a lot of people, think what works for them, works for everyone and it's not the case.

We are all unique and different so we each need separate methods, we have had varied lives so it makes sense, no one treatment fits us all.

Then he called me boring for not doing what he wanted and again, I have to laugh...

Younger men think they can goad you and remain unchallenged.

Older women will not fall for passive aggressive bullying manipulative behaviour, we recognise when we are being played..

So I said No and he went on the sulk, which an older man would accept my decision.

Probably apologise for asking and accept it and move on like any adult would.

The last thing, I really have a feeling he was projecting onto me, from being in therapy.

Because I prefer being on my own, I hate people, which I do, from constantly being used and mistreated, why wouldn't I???

I don't however mind volunteering because those people are in the same boat as me, vulnerable, scared, confused, lost.

Those deserve my attention because I have been there and I understand it.

He said You must hate yourself then and I thought No, I don't so I disagreed with him and inside I reckon he hated himself or felt that way previously, and assumed I was the same.

The truth, between me and you is this..

I did not like myself. I did hate myself because there seemed to be nothing good about me, no beauty, no brains, no self worth..

As told to me by everyone, family, friends, men...

But over the years I worked on myself and came to see my highlights, humour, intelligence, compassion, empathy, listening skills..

I don't know if I'll ever feel lovable... I'll always feel broken inside but I do know I like myself, I love myself..

I'm adorable and there is a fiery passion inside me now. That wasn't there before or maybe it was laying dormant.. Waiting!

All in all a mixed conversation. A lot of preconceived notions and not perfect.

But it did make me think and that's always a good thing :)

Another of the randoms, asked to be unblocked and I thought hmm, ok, he's properly communicating.

He said my blocking him, was only due to a busy schedule and I must have been irritated with the few word answers/sentences he gave..

I thought ok J, (isn't it always a J), I will unblock you for now. I doubt I mentioned that, it wouldn't last, there's always a reason for a block..

Men never seemed to learn this lesson, they always assume, they can sweet talk you and then when they have you away from competitors, on messenger or discord or wherever..

Hey they can stop making the effort because....... Boom they think you're stuck with them ha!!

I always have choices, if one random doesn't cut it, I move on, easy.

Anyway, for a while he talked properly and that was fine..... Then he started again, with the 1 to 2 words and I thought nope nope nope...

You don't learn! Quality over quantity, not every chat has to be significant but it can't be nothing either...

I went ahead and blocked him, he confronted me on chat and asked Why?

I was trying to be diplomatic. I didn't want to say the truth, which was that I found him boring..

I said instead, I lost interest, with his 2/3 word comments..

He was livid! Which made me laugh. That is the final straw, I've made the effort, no more will I try. I'm done.

After that tantrum, I blocked him on chat too. I mean, did he expect me to object and fight for him?

What effort????

I'm a strong, opinionated woman. I need to be challenged!