#BlogLife1072 - The next steps?

I woke up and went back to sleep and then it was 10amish so perfect time to get up, not too early, not too late.

I got myself sorted, braced myself and called DWP and thought, here we go....

Rudeness, talking down to me, asking a million questions, just swallow your emotions, let the bullies do their thing and you have a conscience, they do not.

You are respectful, they are not. Anyway on hold for ages it seemed and then yay it didn't cut me off.

And for once, he was actually decent and helpful, he barely asked anything apart from the security spiel to prove my identity.

Name, phone number, etc. Goodness why do my eyes decide to burn and water when I'm trying to see and write??

Anyway I thought he was going to ask my balances, bank and paypal and then my monthly expenses and then negotiate a structure.....

But they know all that and for once, didn't pretend they didn't. He just said, we're not going to do a direct debit scheme for you.

What we will do, is deduct a small portion slowly over time, from the amount you owe us, from your monthly UC payments every month.

(That's exactly what Mama predicted would happen actually).

I literally thought they would demand an immediate part amount from my card and then I'd pay them weekly from my savings.

I was so panicked about, how will I pay the bills, pay for food, if they do that???

But it's done. I've taken responsibility. I've done what I could, all those times, she said.....

Oh you're not co-operating.. I felt sick to my stomach, that her impression, however bias, would go into some report...

Like she's the worst person ever, she's not helping herself, she's not providing the information....

So fine the hell out of her and send her to jail..... Two years of that stress, really did a number on me.

All I have ever wanted to do is be decent and helpful and support myself.

She painted me as a self serving monster. I cannot even stop crying.

I think I'm going to be weepy for a while. I'm not a bad person but yes I have made mistakes.

I've just tried to do my best and have a lil safety net. I'm so glad it's Friday.

I'm not supposed to be writing but here I am..

I'm wondering if now, a big source of my unhappiness has been contained.....

Will I feel like working on the stories? Will I have the strength to give a part of myself away?

Because in everything I create, a part of me is involved and I just have had nothing to give...

It's just me against the world, fighting for my honour, fighting to express myself, fighting to survive...

The more I think about the more lost and angrier I become.

Growing up I was petrified to stick up for myself and fight back and I beat myself up about being a pathetic weakling..

And with her, it was the same thing, I didn't speak my mind. I didn't have the courage to shout back at her or defend myself.

I don't know if I respect myself anymore. Suppressing so much of myself...

Letting someone else, yet again take control of my peace and happiness.

Just having no voice. How do I forgive myself for that?

I am empty!

I think I still need time to heal. I'm too raw. I've been through a lot.

It's not a simple thing to just get over. Part of me would like to step away from the blog and volunteering....

But I think I like it too much, it's an auto pilot thing, wake up write, ignore the pain...

Log on, volunteer, support others, crumble inside......

Oof today's foodie concoction was so good. Egg mayonnaise, cheese, cod burger, yumm.

I'm still trying to get the salsa tub jar open, no joy... My knife has disappeared..

Got to try running hot water over it.. I've no patience right now..