To recap, the last I heard from Witchy was I can't recall if it was January or April?
But I do know that she said You didn't cooperate and give me what I wanted, aka the balance affecting statements....
Pfft I gave you the whole bloody statement, you're just too spiteful and lazy to go through it!!
Any excuse to rile me up and have a go at me. Anyway I just checked to see if I had any post and low and behold there was a letter.
Oh yea and the last thing she said was Wait to hear back regarding a final decision which will typically result in a fine.
I have to talk to my supervisor and this has been dragging on since October and I don't want it taking up anymore of my time.
Blah blah blah. But I've always seen through her, she takes months and months to give updates and it's always to say.....
Do this or that..... She has no intention of resolving this situation. Her goal in life is to stress me out.
Oh sorry also her other demand, (she said I had a choice, but I didn't), was to grant access to my entire bank history so fine, I did it.
Now today's condescending, letter asks yet more questions, to which I've answered already but yet still continues to interrogate me, saying reply by Thursday.
Um I just got it, so unfortunately have to go out next week, will probably do the library printouts too, or maybe an eyebrow shape.
I'm not sure, it depends how I feel but I literally had to go over some details with Mama, as I have a giant foggy memory.
All this is surrounding the time when I was recently released from hospital and I just blocked things out.
Even when I was recuperating at home, I felt I was going through the motions. I couldn't think straight for maybe a year or more?
I'm not sure, there were too many traumas. My brain just shut down and had enough and said Hey, rest, heal, cope as best as you can, forget the rest.
Also I was on a ton of medications, of which I just stopped taking after I while, they were driving me insane.
Paranoia and numbness was a lethal combination, plus I didn't want to get addicted, my family was full of druggies already, that would not be me!
The doctors were not happy, ha screw em, it was my body, my decision and my life.
And so because of all that, plus grieving, it's so hard to recall specific details, I'm struggling and she wants precisey, precisey.
I told Mama she reminds me of a diva Columbo, Just one more thing......... And that although I'm always polite to her, even though she is disrespectful...
In my head I keep repeating W W W W, witch! Mama has a theory that she's deliberately pushing my buttons to try and trip me up.
But I'm consistently telling the truth, I haven't deviated from that and that is why she gets angry and ridicules me constantly because in her mind, she wants a different outcome.
She wants me to lose my cool, shout back at her and confess to her version of what she believes is the truth, not the actual circumstances.
My life has been a horror show. I still get the feeling, she's waiting for the day, that I say.... Oh you got me, I didn't spend money on bills and groceries...
Actually it was tiaras, jewels, trips to Barbados, eating at the Ritz hotels, buying designer clothes...
Skiing vacations, I can't even think of anything else far fetched? Spas?
VIP nightclubs? Cruises? Ok I'll stop but you see my point hopefully, that's why she keeps hounding me, she wants to hear all of the above, maybe all the previous people were like that?
Who knows, I will let the evidence speak for itself, the paypal and bank histories.
What actually happened, for anyone interested in facts.... Hmm I'm hesitating about sharing all the personal stuff, but maybe it will help...
Ok, here it is, my health conditions were starting to get worse, the pain was constant, I was struggling with walking and using my hands. My legs used to burn when I went anywhere.
But my Papa got sick and needed someone to take care of him, so I was nominated for this as I wasn't in employment.
It was a horrendous time in my life. I felt like I could barely function, let alone take care of someone else.
Bu I did what I could, only for people to jump down my throat and say I wasn't doing a good job, I was slacking off.
Because what I did, when Papa slept, I was shattered, my bones were killing me, I laid downstairs on the couch and slept and because I dared to rest, I was this useless carer and human being.
Let me mention the fact that I didn't get paid, he was really ungrateful and I didn't get fed either.
I was there maybe from 9am to possibly 7pm? All week. I ran his errands, made meals and most of the time, I wanted to weep, the pain was intense.
And I was starving all day. Mama insisted I pay rent, and then I had my own bills, yet she let the other two, run up debts in her name.
So I was lucky if I could afford to buy bread and sandwich fillings. I had a healthy appetite, even though I got called fat constantly.
And if you are wondering, when I would go out to buy my Papa's lunch and ask if he could pay for mine as I didn't have any money.
His reply was Sorry, I can't afford it! So even though I wanted to call him a liar, I accepted it and just went without eating all day.
So then suddenly food was an elusive luxury item. I went home exhausted each night, made a snack, watched television and then probably tried to sleep.
Then I've mentioned the rest, his brother and sister were after his money so they whispered in his ear, your daughter is stealing from you, confront her and kick her out.
And I got this devastating call. He was yelling saying I was this untrustworthy heinous person who was bad and unwelcome.
My parents were experts at painting me as this pathetic loser and finally I got so angry I snapped back.
Hard for me to do when I always feared the repercussions but enough was enough.
I sacrificed my time, my energy on looking after you, and you accuse me of this????
No I wasn't having it so I told him I didn't want anything to do with him unless he apologised and took it all back.
My friends were like Oh stop overreacting that's your parent but when you've been bullied and verbally abused all of your life, you get to a breaking point and you think Sod off!
I am a good decent helpful honest person. Why do I deserve abuse???
Eventually he did apologise and I said I forgave him because that was what was expected but I never thought of him fondly after that.
He trashed my trust in him and I was so damn frail to begin with. No self worth whatsoever.
Soon after he passed, I got the inheritance, I told the Jobby about it and then I landed in hospital fighting for my life, touch and go..... Intensive care, couldn't breathe or move.
And half the time I prayed for death, told the nurses I wanted to die and half the time, I felt guilty for abandoning my Mama, leaving her with her demon spawn.
So I was released from hospital six weeks later, paid off my debts. Won maybe my first proper prize, a beach hamper.
A year later was kicked out of home and lived in a hotel for a few months still on crutches.
A chunk of the inheritance went on the hotel fees and debts, the other was cab fares, I didn't really want to leave the hotel room and go outside, although I did get cabin fever a lot.
Then I moved in to my place and had to get cleaners, wooden flooring, blinds, furniture, and the utilities insisted I pay the previous tenants bills that he skipped out on.
So I ask you, is that a frivolous party lifestyle? Can you understand why I have a contentious relationship with both my parents??
I was forever hailed as the useless idiot overweight daughter. Too stupid to accomplish anything in their eyes.
Do you get now why I struggle to feel good about myself? Why I've worked so hard to be kind and supportive and boost my own ego?
Why I don't trust anyone? Why I never let anyone in or even close to me? Why I definitely do not date??
It took a lot of healing to get where I am now, and still I struggle.
Just one last thing that explains my love/hate relationship with my family.
Before she kicked me out, my Mama turned to me and said I blame you for your brother's behaviour.
You're a bad sister and that's why he is the way he is, stealing, abusive, hateful. It's all your fault.
You should have been a better person, a better example. She never once held them accountable, it was always me.
I was the despicable, evil, daughter/sister/human being. Do you know what it feels like to hear that constant disappointment?
To be looked upon as scum? Well that's what I grew up with, everyone piling on the hate for me, for simply daring to exist in their orbit.
It's no wonder I didn't want to exist either. That's all for today. I just don't want to think about it anymore, stay in the past where you belong.
Society seems to revere boys/men no matter how disgusting they are but women/girls are to be stepped on and humiliated.
That's why I want to champion females, lift them up, show them they aren't alone, their feelings are real and important and they can achieve anything they set their minds too.
If you are a female and you're reading this, You are a delight in any room you walk in too.
Hold your head up high, you are right where you belong :)
Why can't I stop adding to this post?
I think it's just slowly bringing up things I tried to forget.
As I spoke to Mama yesterday, I swallowed my irritation at something she said.
Oh I couldn't even mention lawyers/the incident/compensation to you.
I thought Do you know why??? I wanted desperately to forget, to cope, to battle the depression that was engulfing me from the inside out.
Each moment reliving it, panic attacks, shakes, waking up terrified I was still in that moment.
And all her friends wanted me to relieve an excruciating part of my life. Tactless!
But Mama wanted the compensation money to cover her debts that her sons bled gloatily ran up in her name proudly.
She didn't care how I felt, so after I had to go over it again with Police and lawyers, thankfully they said I didn't really have a case.
Inwardly I jumped for joy. Trauma is best left hidden until you have the strength to face it, Not when people bully you into it.
I could barely stand, walk or have it in me to face anyone, yet once again at my lowest point, I'm cornered and made to talk about what I went through.
And insensitive people congratulating me on living through it. I was a mess, that was the last thing I wanted to hear.
Living at home was still scary. The pain was unbearable and functions were limited, yet everyone wanted me to jump for joy.
To all of you that piled on to my self torture and self loathing...
Sighs, take a good hard look at yourself, think before you speak, be aware that battles are not always faced, conquered and finished with, some linger years/decades afterwards.
Don't expect someone to heal on your timeframe. Have some consideration people are protecting themselves and trying to focus elsewhere.
And for heaven's sake Ask what they feel comfy sharing, don't presume!!
You're doing more harm than good otherwise, take it from me, I'm still facing things as though it were a fresh occurrence.
Hopefully that's it and I can move on to today's post and not let brekkie/lunch get cold.
