#BlogLife651 - Who does my face like?

It's been a few days now and I've stopped using the Skin Expert face wash, due to the extreme dehydration it caused to my face.

I'm improving but there are still dry patches. The Delia White radiance gel I paid just over a fiver for.

Is a small 150ml bottle, I was a bit miffed the lid is broken, I can't pump it and have nowhere to transfer it too.

I just open the lid lead and grab the excess from that and apply it. It's clear a medium thick gel and smells weird.

I don't like the strong scent, I can't place it but it's offputting. It's really lovely and soft on the skin, you feel this immediate moisturising effect.

It's really helping, maybe I would try a different version and hoped it had a better fragrance.

The Neutrogena moisturiser is also helping, it's light and refreshing.

Something has been bothering me. I just feel it's important to say.,

Please don't let anyone tell you how to feel. If you're upset or sad or angry, don't let someone dictate your emotions.

That really annoys me. I need to process these feelings, I don't care in that moment if they are negative.

What that person doesn't get is that, this is my path to feeling better.

I have to purge all the angst out, I have to express that I feel hopeless or lost and right at that particular moment, there is no silver lining.

I don't feel things are going to improve and that is fine!!! Because I'm being honest. I'm being vulnerable and raw.

And it's healthier to say all these things instead of keeping it to myself!

Rant over. Ugh had a mini freakout, there are a lot of dogs around here and one was barking so loudly, I thought it got loose and was chasing me.

It didn't but oof was glad to be inside, I think I was chased by or cornered by one and ever since then, I freak out.

Anyway on a positive spin, my vest top came today, it's just plain black, v neck, thin straps but it feels almost satiny.

I didn't realise it was going to be so nice, it just covers my rear, I think which is nice and long and I'm going to use it as a slip.

I don't have any actually. It was just under a tenner with postage but I'm ok with that, as it's lovely and fits loosely.

Ooh salmon avocado sushi is on it's way and the other purple top should get here before 4pm.

I really want to nap, cramps and nausea today, pmt sucks!

Ooh just got the new top, it's not as salacious but not as expensive looking either.

I definitely need a top underneath, I'm ancient now, gone are the flashing days, I'm not showing my twins to everyone.

It fits loosely though and I'm happy it's a new look for me :)

#BlogLife481 - I found a second lump

So this is what has been occupying my mind day and night and not really something I wanted to divulge but I guess it's better for my sanity if I do.

I think it was last week or the week before I was getting changed and I think I was just about to put my bra on and I noticed that there was a much smaller lump that had already burst on the same right breast.

I hadn't felt any pain, any sensitivities, any liquid seeping out. It had gone unnoticed, compared to the first one.

It's already healing and is not noticeable unless I really check it. It is around my hormonal month but I have never had 2 at the same time.

I had literally just stop freaking out about the first one. I really don't need anything else to worry about and yet here is  another thing to crack me up and make me lose it.

I should be grateful that it wasn't enlarged and tender but I'm not.

What if it keeps happening? I think I realised that through being sick long term and from dealing with my life, that I'm not afraid of dying, I'm more petrified of suffering and the longevity of that.

I would love to de-clutter my mind and be at peace so that I could write fiction clearly.

I just can't seem to do it. There are these obligations and people making demands from me in all directions.

Nonstop periods coming and going. Moods that keep changing from anger to sadness to mental exhaustion.

There's no-one I can have a phone chat with and be close enough to share any of it and even if there was someone, I don't think I could bring myself to do it anyway.

It's just going around and around in my head, all these worse case scenarios.

The thought of being this fragile and vulnerable and going to a Doctor would just finish me off.

I would end up sinking into depression once more. I guess I'll end this in a somewhat positive spin and comfort myself.

I know you're scared right now. I know that you feel lost and hopeless and that's alright, it's okay to admit it.

That's a standard reaction for anybody. It's not self pity, it's being human and being honest about going through something life-changing.

I'm not going to judge you for not seeking treatment. I know it's a very sensitive issue, not feeling able to be open with doctors without them snapping at you and telling you, you're lying.

It's a catch 22, on one hand it might your mind at ease, on other hand, it would probably make you feel ten times worse.

Just get through as best as you can and know that I am always on your side and will be there to support any decision you make, now and always.