Umm I had some posts written that I was going to publish them but something happened last night and this fresh one, needs to be written to clear my head.
I don't know if I'll post it first but I need to get this off my chest. If you're a regular reader, you'll know, I spent my life as an outsider, looking in...
Trying to bond, trying to fit with people and trying to get the respect back, that I bestowed upon others.
It just didn't work. I was seen as this quiet, so obviously uneducated girl, who didn't have anything worthwhile to offer.
At lot of the time, I was mocked and ignored and I didn't have a voice or opinion that seemed to matter to others.
Eventually I stepped back, worked on myself and got to a point, where I thought, Ok, I am smart, I am good company and any single person, that doesn't make me feel good, I will remove, whether with a goodbye or not....
So in the last couple of months, that's how I felt once again, pushed aside and ignored and that doesn't work for me.
That's how all the friendships/acquaintanceships have gone and I'm not going to stand for it.
My needs are important too. So I thought alright, it's expired, they'll move on and I'll do the same.
Because I am not chasing someone, that doesn't want me around.
I take it extremely personally. I understand, life get's busy, family, friends, work etc...
And if you're the type of person, to drop someone when you're busy and then months later, return like nothing happened, no apology, no remorse....
It's just not the type of relationship I can live with.
For me I want to be able to finally trust someone and let my walls down. To rely on them, to be able to just reach out and say...
Listen I need you right now, can we chat? If I don't feel that way, if I've not given some of your time....
I just don't see the point. I don't want to feel insecure or insignificant because I am not.
I have worked abundantly hard on my self esteem and no-one is going to make me feel as though I don't matter.
When someone casually dips in and out of your life, how do you trust that, they'll be around when you need them?
How can you possibly open up and say, there have been new developments, when you're constantly re-acquainting yourselves??
You can call it selfishness, coldness, whatever you like but I'm sick of the inconsistency.
I will never demand, all of someone's time but certainly Yes, a portion of it.
We all deserve, someone making the effort, someone thinking about us and caring, not out of guilt, but genuinely wondering..
Aww, I wonder if he/she is having a good week? I wonder what happened with so and so?
I'm curious if he/she is feeling better?
That's the bare minimum requirement of friendships. You have to listen, you have to respect and you have to support.
Not under any obligation, but because your heart is full and you feel this mushy need to protect them or seek them out..
Why am I saying all of this?
Not to be rude but I feel icky, so someone who had no compulsion to talk to me, at first, kept reading the blog.
And I felt a bit... This doesn't seem right because, you're able to read my thoughts and then try to find a way, to bond with me again??
I don't find this person bad hearted but what is on my mind....
Is that, they took me for granted, assumed, even after being cast aside, I would just resume the friendship...
Like I have nothing better to do, or will settle for tiny crumbs of affection...
And specifically after I wrote Goodbye on the blog, that's when it finally dawned on them, I was done.
They had months to reach out, while reading my blog and they did not...
Suddenly, it's like they've gone into panic mode and the messages come and now pending comments from them and/or someone new on my blog....
The apology, no matter how heartfelt... It's just too lil to late.
My safe space, the place where, I can be vulnerable and share things...
Feels tainted. I have not responded to them because I don't have anything to say.
If you don't want to talk, don't talk, but don't assume, I'll stick around either..
When you lift your head out of the sand and think shoot.... That was a good person....
I realise now, how foolish I was, how I hurt their feelings and it's too late to repair it.
Just accept reality, instead of creeping around.
You're not a bad person but everything you've done, has further pushed me away.
I needed someone in my corner and you proved, that person isn't you.
Although I am alone and will always be by myself. Today I'm not mourning it.
I can stand tall and know my self worth, that I won't settle and I won't put up with someone not meeting my needs...
The years and years I just endured unhealthy friendships because I didn't think I deserved real love and respect and affection and care......
And now look at me... I'm amazing. Still very far from perfection.
Still impatient.
Still an Ice Queenie but damn, maybe no-one will love and accept me for me but I know that I do and today, that's more than enough.
Question, whether you are really getting something positive from your friendships because it will chip away at your confidence.
I should work on being humble, right? Ha..
Do I allow the pending comments to be published or not? I'm so gutted that they aren't real but from a place of desperation.
My blog is my baby and what you've done, is stolen a lil peace and joy from me and I didn't have much to begin with.
